Chapter Thirty-Eight: Out of the Blue

Serena was walking through the small garden of the Pokémon Center, which had many flowerbeds with various flowers. Now, in the darkness, their vibrancy was hard to see, but Serena wasn't outside to look at the flowers, anyway. She was there mainly to talk.

("So…the battle,") Misdreavus said. She was clearly uncomfortable, but just like Serena she wanted to have this talk over with. After their victory against Eve and Vee, Serena and Ash had battled one more team, and they'd also won that match. This time, though, Misdreavus hadn't used her Confuse Ray on any of her opponents, and while she hadn't said anything about it then, Serena could see that it bothered her.

"Yeah," Serena said, also uncertain about how exactly to start the conversation.

("When I used my Confuse Ray…when I tasted my opponent's fear…I felt more alive, in a manner of speaking, than I have since I joined you,") Misdreavus said. ("But then I felt your fear. And…it wasn't a good feeling. When I was trying to feed on you, you were afraid of me, but now you were afraid of me. Of…of what I am. I think it's the first time someone's fear actually hurt me.")

Serena nodded silently. She could easily recall Misdreavus's wicked grin and even now, it made her uneasy.

"It's…" she began, before falling silent again. Whatever she'd say next, it would be incredibly hypocritical of her. Still, saying nothing wasn't any better. "It's like a predator hunting prey," she said. "I know it happens, but I don't want to see it. I try to picture it as something unfortunate, but which is just necessary…but you were enjoying yourself. I can't pretend I…understand that. To enjoy hurting others."

("And I can't pretend not to enjoy it,") Misdreavus said. She sighed. ("Look, when I joined you…I like trying to scare Pancham and the others. I like trying to scare Ash. I like teasing you a bit every now and then. And honestly, I love performing with you in Expositions. I tried to tell myself that this was fine, that the few scraps of fear I could take here and there would keep me going, along with the regular Pokémon food…but today, I realized that it's just not true. It's like an exquisite meal after getting used to stale cereal and biscuits. The flavor, the dynamic way it changes as I make my opponents see different things and attack each other…it's incomparable, and I don't want to give it up, not even for you.")

She fell silent for a moment. Serena knew she had more to say, though, so she waited.

Eventually, Misdreavus went on, ("But at the same time…when I felt your fear of me…it hurt. It hurt because I like you, because you're important to me, but this afternoon…you thought I was some kind of monster. And maybe…maybe to humans, I am.")

She sadly shook her head. ("I don't know what to make of it. I can't deny what I am, I don't want to deny what I am, and I don't feel I really have to try, either.")

She looked at Serena, equal parts fierce and frustrated. ("I'm not human, and I don't want to be judged like one!") she shouted. ("No matter what I say, you can counter it with a million 'what-ifs' that I'll never be able to refute, because normally, I'd never even try. You know, Pokémon preying on Pokémon…we accept it. We accept that that's how life is. We might have instinctive dislikes for certain species because they hunt us, and being hunted and hurt isn't nice at all, but it's not personal. One day, you team up, the next, you're trying to eat each other. It's only humans who see things differently. It's only humans who think about these things in such convoluted ways. Even Psychic-types don't do that. Remember the Hypno in the forest? They said it, too: they won't stop feeding on human dreams. They know humans condemn them for it, but they're not human.")

"So if someone would try to eat you, you wouldn't hold it against them at all? Who could even do that in the first place?" Serena asked incredulously.

("Once I'm reasonably sure they can't get me, I wouldn't hold it against them, no,") Misdreavus said. ("Because I'd most likely do the same to them, if things were serious enough. See, the only thing that can kill me is another Ghost-type. We're insubstantial. Shadows, negative emotions animating a puppet, whatever. And we can eat each other, take all of the energy that makes up what little body we have, and the tiny spark that remains just goes to where the other mortal spirits are. We usually don't, because mortal emotions are so much tastier, but when there are a lot of us and not many mortals…")

"Now we're just 'mortals'?" Serena asked on reflex, stung by Misdreavus's condescending tone.

("This is what I'm talking about! Stop treating me like I'm human!") Misdreavus said angrily. ("Yes, Serena, you are mortal. So are Pancham, Ash, and all the others. I'm not, not in the same way all of you are, and I don't care. Our differences don't bother me, even if they seem weird to me, because that's just the world I've 'lived' in for as long as I can remember. Ask Pancham, Delphox, Sylveon…any of Ash's Pokémon. They would get what I'm talking about. It's just you and other humans who don't. Who can't.")

She had tears in her eyes now as she looked at Serena. ("When we first met, Delphox had me beat. I was hurt, I was scared. But I didn't blame Delphox or you for fighting back, because no one wants to be prey. I just thought, 'this is going to hurt' and resigned myself to it. Then you suggested I come with you, because some people liked to be scared. Of course I was interested, because being liked is better than not being liked, if I have a choice. But if that choice turns out to be 'only feed on scraps or be feared on a personal level by someone who is incredibly important to you'…then I'm not too sure if it was the right choice at all.")

A sudden chill went through Serena's chest. "Are you saying…?"

("I don't know,") Misdreavus said quietly. ("I…I just think I need to be alone for a while.")

"But…will you come back?" Serena asked. How could the conversation had taken a turn like this so quickly?

("I think so. Keep my Poké Ball with you, in any case,") Misdreavus said. She hesitated for a moment. ("If Pancham asks…tell him I'm thinking about him, and that he shouldn't worry about me, okay?")

"Please be safe…" Serena said softly, her vision blurring as tears filled her eyes.

("You too. Once I've…thought about everything, I'll come and find you again. Good luck in the Exposition. And good luck to Ash for his Gym battle. Goodbye, Serena.")

It was dark, so it was easy for Misdreavus to fade into the shadows. Serena knew that she'd never be able to find her if she didn't want to be found, so she just stood in the garden for a moment, trying to understand what had just happened. She'd expected to just go over the battle a bit, talk about things…but not this. She hadn't expected Misdreavus to just…leave. Of course, she'd said she'd come back, but she never said she'd be staying. And she clearly didn't intend to be around for the Exposition. What if she didn't come back before Serena and Ash left town? Would she just stay close regardless, but out of sight? And why…why did this hurt so much?

She turned around and went back inside the Pokémon Center, focusing on keeping her breathing steady as she walked. Her emotions were boiling over, but she didn't want anyone else to see her.

She entered the dark room she and Ash shared and quietly made her way over to her bed, but when she'd just sat down on it, she heard Ash ask, "Is everything alright?"

She momentarily closed her eyes, feeling herself losing control of her breathing. "No," she choked out. "Nothing is alright."

A light went on, but Serena couldn't see Ash's expression because she was staring at the floor. She heard Ash get up and sit down next to her.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Misdreavus is…" Serena began, but her throat seized up and she had to fight to not break down sobbing. "She left," she eventually managed to say.

"Because of today?" Ash asked softly, and Serena could hear the concern in his voice, the warmth.

She nodded wordlessly.

"Is she…coming back?" Ash sounded a bit awkward, as if he didn't really know how to ask that question without making Serena even more upset.

"M-maybe," Serena said.

Taking a few deep breaths to steady herself, but still looking at the floor, she went on, "She'll come back at least one more time. To…to tell me what she decided."

She clenched her fists and her eyes burned again. "But I didn't want her to leave at all!" she said through gritted teeth.

"I don't think she wanted to, either," Ash said quietly.

He put his arm around Serena's shoulder and pulled her closer. Even in the emotional turmoil she was in, she felt her temperature rising at the sudden contact.

"Misdreavus is strong," Ash said. "She can take care of herself, and I'm sure that when she comes back, she'll decide to stay with us."

"I know she's strong," Serena said. "I'm the one who isn't. It's my fault she left."

Ash withdrew his arm and grabbed both her shoulders, gently turning her towards him. "Look at me, Serena," he said softly.

She really didn't want to. Her eyes would be all puffy and red and her nose was runny and she probably looked like the mess she was at that moment. Still, she lifted up her head and looked into Ash's eyes. He smiled warmly in that way she loved so much.

"You're strong," he said. "One of the strongest people I know. Whatever happened between you and Misdreavus…it wasn't because you're weak, and don't ever start believing you are. You've always faced whatever came on your path, and I know you'll always keep doing it. I will always believe in you, Serena, so believe in yourself too."

"Ash…"

She wanted to lean in, kiss him, show him what his support meant to her — but she didn't. She wanted her first kiss to be happy, not sad.

Ash seemed to realize Serena had a lot on her mind, because he smiled and then got up. "Try to get some sleep," he said. "And if you want to talk, or anything…I'm here, okay?"

Serena nodded quietly and watched how Ash got back into his bed, gave her one more smile, and turned the light back off. She didn't lie down until much later.

I did not plan for this chapter to go where it did. Much like Serena herself, I expected this to be a fairly short conversation and then I'd move on to the rest of the chapter…but things went a bit differently, clearly.

I also had to restrain myself not to have the kiss happening right now. The moment was perfect for it. But much as I like hurt/comfort, my Watsonian and Doylist reasons for not letting it happen now were the same: I want the first kiss to be a happy occasion, and right now the emotional pendulum is skewed too far to make it work the way I want it to.

Next update will most likely be Thursday, but there's a possibility it might turn out to be Friday depending on how busy I am. See you then!