General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behavior, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Forty-Six~
"Hey."
It was as casual a greeting as could be expected from someone to almost make the atmosphere feel normal.
Cloud didn't bother to look up or anywhere other than the bowl in front of him.
Chip had just come downstairs to join them. It was the middle of the day. Lunchtime actually. Chip had apparently been closed off in that third room upstairs for the entire night and morning.
"Lunch, Chip?" Rand asked from his spot across the table from Cloud.
"Sure, cousin," Chip accepted the offer, stopping Rand when he was about to rise to get it for him. "I got it," he said.
When Chip came to sit down at the table, however, with the soup that his cousin had prepared, Rand did get up to take his own empty bowl to the sink.
"You think you're going to need your car today, Randy?" Chip asked him after a few spoonfuls of the soup.
"No," Rand said without looking at him as he began cleaning his bowl.
"You mind if I borrow it then?" his cousin asked.
"I meant no, you're not taking it anywhere," Rand clarified.
"If you're not using it then why not?" Chip inquired with a bit of irritation evident in his tone.
"Where do you want to go?" Rand asked him through a forceful exhale.
"Might have a job lined up for winter. Need to meet with someone."
"What?" Rand asked over the running tap.
"You're not worried about people recognizing you and turning you in to police?" Cloud found himself speaking up to ask. He didn't know how he even had the nerve to. The words just came out.
Chip looked at him before turning his eyes Rand's way.
"What you been saying about me, cousin?" he fired at the man.
"Sorry," Cloud said, though he wasn't sure which of the men he was saying it to.
"No, it's fine," Chip said to Cloud before Rand could get any response out. "I ain't the only law breaker in these parts, kid," he remarked to Cloud with something of a wink.
Cloud saw an opportunity then and he took it.
"These parts?" he questioned, hoping he was about to get an answer as to where they really were. A town name. A county. Anything.
"Jake," Rand spoke up from the kitchen quickly.
When Cloud looked at him, he could tell Rand probably knew that his question had been an attempt to get information that was being kept from him. There was a subtle warning look in his eyes, Cloud thought.
"Are you done?" the man asked. When Cloud only looked back at him, unsure of what he should say next he clarified. "With your bowl?"
Cloud just nodded and Rand came towards him to retrieve it.
"Get your boots and coat on," the man told him in a low tone when he was next to him.
Cloud pushed his chair back at the table and stood up to do as he was told. Chip watched them but didn't say anything. After taking Cloud's bowl to the kitchen and emptying what was left in it into the trash, Rand also put on his boots and coat and proceeded to unlock the front door. He directed Cloud onto the front porch but that's as far as they went. They stayed inside the covered porch. Outside it was still raining steadily. Much of the driveway in front of the house was one large puddle at that point.
"What are you doing?" Rand asked him when they were alone.
"What do you mean?" Cloud asked back, pretending not to know.
"You know exactly what I mean," the man accused as he spoke closely to him.
In fact, the man was practically in his face. Cloud turned his head uncomfortably, looking away from him and his hard expression.
"Look at me," Rand demanded.
"Nothing," Cloud claimed as he forced himself to meet his eyes. Clearly Rand didn't believe him though. "Just talking," he added then with an innocent shrug.
"I don't want you talking to him," Rand said. "I thought that was made clear already," he spoke of their earlier discussion.
"Yeah. Fine," Cloud muttered as he looked down.
Rand stepped back a little. Cloud could have just stayed quiet at that point but he was annoyed.
"I told you I won't say anything about why I'm really here," he stated. "I won't. I don't see why it's a big deal to talk random shit with Chip if he's in the same house. Pulling me away anytime he's in the room looks fucking weird Rand, you have to know that."
The man looked away from him out into the front yard past the screening that sheltered them. When he hadn't tried to argue after a few seconds Cloud went on softly.
"It's nice to have some other human interaction sometimes. It's hard for me to focus on the reason you brought us here when you've cut me off from everything completely," he told him and it was true, even if he had no interest in repairing his relationship with Rand so he couldn't be bothered focusing on it.
He was focused on trying to save his child from the man, but certainly being isolated had made that hard to do. It was hard not to feel hopeless or helpless when his whole world had been shrunk down to one person in one place.
"You really want me open to letting you help me and to fixing things between us?" he asked.
"Yes," Rand answered surprisingly quickly and surely. He looked Cloud's way once more.
"Then start by helping me feel less like a prisoner," Cloud advised sternly. "I feel like I'm back in Gongaga. You said you don't want to see me hit a low like I did when I was there," he reminded him what Rand had told him while watching him struggling mentally as he was coming off his meds. "I don't want to get to that point again either," he concluded, hoping the message was clear enough for the man.
Rand took in his words. He looked ready to say something when the front door to the house opened and Chip stepped out wearing his coat and boots and looking like he was ready to head out somewhere. Without saying anything he proceeded to push the screen door open.
"Where're you going?" Rand stopped him.
Chip paused with his hand still on the door. "To see about a job, I told you," he replied gruffly.
"What job?" Rand asked.
"Heard a winter logging crew may have a few openings," was his cousin's short answer before he pushed the door open again and stepped out from the covered porch into the rain.
Rand stopped the door from falling shut completely and held it open.
"Wait," he said, making Chip stop. "Here."
Rand reached into his one coat pocket and retrieved his car fob, tossing it to Chip.
"Seriously?" Chip questioned with some clear surprise. "Never thought I'd see the day you changed your mind about something," he remarked. "Thanks a lot, Jake. You're softening him up."
Cloud said nothing to that. Rand didn't acknowledge the comment either. Instead, he only asked Chip that he return the car as soon as possible. They watched Chip walk in the direction of Rand's vehicle where it was parked at the side of the house.
"I don't want you to feel like a prisoner," Rand told Cloud. "And I don't want you to suffer unnecessarily."
Cloud had to keep himself from reacting to his choice of words that did nothing but rub him the wrong way.
"I want us to trust each other. But I don't know what it's going to take to get to that point," Rand said.
He turned to watch along with Cloud as Chip drove the vehicle slowly through the muddy driveway toward the road.
"I wish I could trust you when you tell me you won't say anything to Chip about why I've brought you here or that you won't tell him of our past together," the man spoke with his eyes still fixed in the direction of the road, even after the car had disappeared from view.
"I'm not going to," Cloud replied firmly. He did mean it. "You can trust me," he assured him, making Rand finally look at him again.
"Can I?" Rand responded with something of a smirk. "Back in there," he said of the house, tilting his head at the front door in indication, "you tried to get Chip to tell you where we are," he pointed out, making Cloud sigh while he shoved his hands into his coat pockets and dropped his head slightly to look at his feet. "Yes?" Rand questioned, though he clearly knew the answer.
"Yes," Cloud admitted, still looking down.
"And what would be the next part of your plan if you knew our location?" was the man's sharp question that followed. He sounded a little angry.
"My plan?" Cloud asked back as he looked up at him quickly.
Rand hummed in confirmation as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the house. The way the man was looking at him with a critical but almost amused expression like he'd thwarted his next planned move in a chess match set Cloud off then but he didn't express it with the anger that was actually bubbling in him. He kept calm as he responded.
"Because I talked to your cousin? Because I just want to know where the hell I am. There has to be a plan."
He wasn't expecting Rand to respond to what was essentially an accusation of sorts, calling the man out for questioning him, and he didn't.
"What's your plan?" Cloud asked sharply. "To make me feel so isolated I'll either lose my mind or hang myself with a bedsheet?"
He proceeded to take hold of the door knob on the front door, turning it but pausing to look at Rand.
"Keep going. I'm halfway there," he told him, not giving him a chance to respond before he pushed the door open and headed back inside the house.
Although he'd only briefly observed his expression, he could tell his words had impacted Rand, he just wasn't sure how exactly. He wouldn't find out until hours later, what his declaration had prompted, when Rand came upstairs to retrieve him for dinner. He wasn't feeling very well and it must have been visible on him.
"Are you alright?" Rand asked him when he opened the door to his room and saw him sitting on the bed leaning forward with his head resting in his hands.
Cloud said nothing in return.
"I've heard back about Koda's visit to the doctor," the man informed him then, making him look up at him. "It's just a cold. He's going to be fine."
Hearing that news did give Cloud some relief. For a moment he felt like the ever-present tension in his body eased slightly. He almost thanked Rand for following through on his promise to keep him informed but he was still irritated from earlier. He didn't feel like speaking at all at that point.
"Dinner is almost ready," Rand told him when he remained quiet.
Cloud forced himself to stand up then to go downstairs. As he approached the door though, Rand stepped into the room and closed it gently. Cloud paused, assuming he must have something else to say to him.
"Chip will be joining us," Rand told him, making Cloud exhale deeply. He didn't feel like hearing any more warnings or having to endure any more threatening and judgemental looks from Rand.
"Let me stay up here alone then," Cloud suggested as he shook his head.
"No," Rand said.
"Why?"
"Because. I hear you," the man replied. He went on quietly. "I want to give you what you need, and if possible, what you want," he explained. "You want to not feel so isolated. I don't want you to feel that way either. And I want to trust you, like I want you to trust me. So, I want you to talk to Chip," he said. "If that's what you want."
For a moment Cloud said nothing. He really hadn't expected Rand to change his mind about wanting to keep him and Chip separated. The way he spoke, in his gentle reassuring tone made it seem like the man really cared about him. That he was apologetic and concerned for his well-being.
"Really?" Cloud asked him doubtfully, walking toward Rand and the closed door cautiously.
"Yes," Rand confirmed with a nod. "I want you to prove that I can trust you."
There it was. The reason for that feeling of suspicion that had quickly risen up in Cloud.
"That sounds like a test," he pointed out.
Rand smiled and kept his eyes on him as he reached for the door knob.
"It is," he said and the smile disappeared from his face. "So don't fail."
000
Of course, Rand not being the joking type, Cloud had no reason to believe the man was kidding when he told him he was testing him. Even though he had no intention of mentioning anything to Chip about who he really was or that he was being forced to be there, he was still anxious about saying something wrong. Or saying something in the wrong way. Acting some way that Rand wouldn't like. So, although the man had given him permission to talk to Chip, he didn't really feel comfortable making any attempts at it.
He stayed pretty quiet during dinner, other than when Chip directly talked to him, making sarcastic comments about Rand and his cooking or other habits he had. He hummed in acknowledgment, gave a few brief half-smiles or smirks. He found himself mostly just listening while Rand and Chip talked. They discussed Chip's potential job he was seeking for the winter. A job on a logging crew that meant he'd be off in the woods for a few months cut off from civilization. It seemed like the perfect job to have if one were trying to avoid being caught and sent back to prison.
When they'd finished eating, Chip brought up the topic of fake identification and asked about possibly getting some through someone that Rand apparently was acquainted with. Rand seemed uncomfortable and that's when he asked Cloud if he was finished eating. Cloud told him he was and Rand told him he could just go watch television.
It sounded like only a suggestion but he knew it to be an order and did as he was told. Sitting with his back to them he pretended to watch the screen while he was still listening to what he could of their quiet discussion. Rand telling his cousin he could get false ID anywhere. Chip argued that the quality wouldn't be what he wanted.
At some point the conversation shifted to Chip asking Rand about work and from what he heard it sounded like Rand's cousin believed he was an independent counsellor or therapist that was hired on a contract basis by large companies that wanted to provide his services as a resource for their employees. He supposed that might have been something Rand did in the past. He didn't really know, but it didn't sound like Chip knew anything about Rand's involvement with Shinra.
The two of them were over in the kitchen area when, outside at the front of the house, what appeared to be headlights from a moving vehicle flashed through the fabric of the curtains. It caught Cloud's attention and as Rand and Chip went quiet, he knew they'd also seen the lights. They'd only flashed for a moment, as if the vehicle had driven in and made a loop in the large gravel driveway.
Only frozen for a moment, Chip was first to move, heading to one of the windows at the front of the house to check and see who it was that had just driven up.
"Who is it?" Rand asked, still seeming to be stuck in place.
Cloud looked over at him and noted that he looked immediately anxious, similar to how he'd looked the other night when Chip had shown back up at the house unexpectedly.
"Looks like the Branston's pick-up truck," Chip told him.
Rand seemed to pale at hearing that.
"Get away from the window, they can't see you, Chip!" he barked at his cousin as he moved quickly over to where he was and swatted his hand away from the curtain. "Why are they here?" he questioned aloud to himself then as he checked to see if Chip was right about who had shown up.
"Are you actually surprised?" was Chip's rhetorical response. "Is this the first they've come by since you've been back out here? I'm surprised it's taken weeks for them to come check the place out when there's been smoke comin' from the chimney."
To Cloud it sounded like whoever was outside could be a neighbor. He watched Rand, who seemed to be trying to decide what to do.
"You gonna invite them in?" Chip asked him.
"Obviously not," Rand said back fast.
"Then you're going to have to go out and talk to them," his cousin told him. "They're not just going to drive away."
Rand knew he was right. With a deep and clearly frustrated exhale, he proceeded to get on his boots. He grabbed his coat and looked over Cloud's way. Cloud didn't see any warnings or threats in his eyes, only concern. Possibly fear as well.
"I'll be back in one minute," the man told them both before finally opening the front door and stepping outside.
Cloud listened to the sound of his footsteps on the steps leading from the porch. He thought he could hear Rand's voice as well as those of two other people but there was no way to make out the words. After those initial sounds he could hear nothing. Chip sat himself down at the other end of the couch next to him to stare at the television. Cloud hardly noticed. He found his heart pounding a little harder in his chest as he thought about how easy it would be to run outside and alert the visitors to what was going on. But what would he say? How much would he be able to say before Rand stopped him? Would they even believe anything he did say? Once again, he reminded himself that he had more than himself to worry about. He had to think of Koda.
"Hey," Chip spoke from next to him after a minute and he looked over at him.
Chip showed him he had a liquor bottle stowed away inside the one inner pocket of the quilted flannel jacket he had on.
"How badly do you want to stay on the wagon right now?" the man asked him.
"I don't have a drinking problem," Cloud told him without really thinking about it. Maybe Rand had told his cousin he did, he didn't know, but the words were out of his mouth now and he couldn't put them back in.
Chip tilted his head in question, his body language asking if he wanted to partake in what felt like contraband. Cloud looked at the front door. With his luck, the moment that bottle touched his mouth, Rand would walk back in the house.
"Don't worry about him," Chip said, guessing at what he was thinking. "He'll be out there at least fifteen minutes."
Cloud gave him a short nod then and the man unscrewed the cap before passing him the bottle of what he could see then was vodka. It was a new bottle, the snap of the cap as the seal broke had Cloud glancing back at the door once more, like Rand might actually hear it. When Chip handed the bottle to him, he took a small drink of the liquor, swallowing it back with some difficulty. It tasted pretty cheap and burned his throat before sinking to his stomach. He extended his arm back toward Chip, to hand the bottle back to him.
"That it?" Chip asked. "Don't be a little girl, Jake," the man mocked him lightly.
Cloud saw that as the challenge it was, but it also seemed like more than that. Like an offer. An acknowledgement and reprieve, but he might have been reading too much into it. He took another few drinks from the bottle before handing it back to Chip. The man took a few drinks out of it as well before stowing it away back inside his jacket. Cloud thought he heard what sounded like some laughing from outside. It didn't seem like Rand was rushing to get back in the house. He figured if there was ever a time to speak up, this was the time. He was tempted, as he knew he would be when alone with Chip to blurt out what he wanted to. So tempted, he felt like he needed to distract his own inner voice.
"Why aren't there any pictures of your family anywhere?" he found himself asking Chip then. It actually was something he was curious about since Rand had told him it was a family property he inherited.
"It's cause Randy burned 'em all."
Chip said it with no hesitation or waver in his tone, like it was normal for someone to do such a thing.
"Actually?" Cloud questioned.
"Oh yeah," Chip confirmed. "The guy's a closet pyro."
Cloud wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't even sure he believed Chip or if the guy was actually joking. He said it with a straight face but he also seemed to have a dry or sarcastic type of humor.
There was a long second of silence before Cloud asked, "Did you actually break out of prison?"
"No" Chip scoffed. "Is that what he said?" he asked immediately after his denial. Cloud assumed he meant Rand. He watched Chip pull a half-crumpled pack of cigarettes and a lighter from inside his coat, on the opposite side from where he had his liquor stashed.
"I thought he said—" he started to relay what he'd been told but Chip cut him off.
"Clerical error. They let me walk out thinking I was someone else," he revealed before lighting up a cigarette.
"Oh," Cloud uttered quietly back. "So, they want to find you to put you back in?"
"I'm sure they will eventually," Chip said with a shrug.
"Won't you get a longer sentence if you don't turn yourself in?" Cloud asked him.
"Probably," the man agreed. "Doing twenty to life anyway though, so…"
It surprised Cloud. He hadn't thought before that moment about how long his sentence might have been or what crime he might have actually committed.
"What were you in for?" he inquired tentatively.
"Armed robbery," Chip said.
Cloud couldn't help his curiosity then. "What'd you rob?" he asked and was met with a hard expression from Chip.
"Didn't say I did it, did I?" he shot back at him.
"Sorry," Cloud said, feeling awkward.
Chip switched topics then at seeing his discomfort.
"You like 'em?" he asked as he picked up an empty ceramic mug that was still sitting on the coffee table from earlier. He flicked some cigarette ash into it.
"What?" Cloud replied.
"The rifles?" Chip spoke with a nod as he looked to the old guns mounted on the one wall. "You've been staring at them."
Cloud didn't realize it had been obvious how much he'd been looking at then. It wasn't for the reason Chip guessed though.
"They look old," he remarked.
"They are," the man confirmed.
"Do they work?" Cloud asked him.
"No," Chip said. "My grandfather used to have this place fully stocked though," he explained. "Randy got rid of all that shit too. All the shit he could find anyway."
"What do you mean?" Cloud asked.
"Gramps was one of them paranoid types. Kept his cash in his mattress and his guns in the floorboards," Chip told him.
"So, there could still be a few guns hidden somewhere?" Cloud asked to be clear but Chip just shrugged.
Changing topics again then and making the most of the time he had to get info from Chip he asked, "Did you know Rand's ex-wife?"
"I met her," he said simply.
"Where does she live?"
Chip shook his head. "Don't know. Don't think he does either."
"Huh?" Cloud responded with confusion.
"She split with their kid and her new husband after he was arrested," the man revealed.
Cloud was shocked. Even though he felt the things Rand had done to him were criminal, for some reason he couldn't imagine him actually being arrested for something. He couldn't picture him with handcuffs on, seated in the back of a police vehicle or locked in a holding cell somewhere.
"Arrested? When, why?" he questioned.
"Years back now," Chip said. "The kid was still just little. He was busted for trying to buy coke off a cop," he revealed.
The surprise Cloud felt became disbelief.
"Cocaine?" he asked back fast.
There was no way. He looked at Chip doubtfully, feeling like he must be sitting next to a pathological liar, or that the man was seriously confused about who his cousin was.
"He was all about that shit when they were together," Chip went on with more details. "It's why he didn't have no rights when she took the kid."
Cloud shook his head.
"It doesn't make sense," he uttered quietly, almost to himself.
"Yeah, why you'd wanna get addiction treatment from a junkie definitely don't," Chip remarked with a snort.
Cloud looked at him.
"He doesn't still…" he started to argue slowly. "I'd know, I'd have seen it when we lived together," he said.
Chip looked confused then.
"What?" he asked.
Shit, Cloud thought. He knew he shouldn't have said that.
"Never mind," he said as he faced the television.
"When was that?" Chip asked, not letting what he said go that easily.
"No, I mean he let me crash sometimes," Cloud clarified.
"Uh huh," the man responded after a long moment of silence. "Where'd you two meet anyway?" he tried to ask but the sound of vehicle doors shutting outside had him becoming quiet again.
Cloud could hear the sound of the vehicle leaving. A few moments later, Rand was coming back into the house. He looked over at where they were sitting quietly, watching the television.
"What are you doing?" he questioned sharply and Cloud almost responded, thinking he must be talking to him, that he would know somehow what they'd been talking about. "Chip," he called to his cousin to get his attention.
"What?" Chip replied sharply as he turned to look back at him. It was obvious then what had prompted Rand's question. His eyes were on the cigarette in Chip's hand. "Fuck," the man muttered with realization.
"Outside." Rand demanded as he held the front door open and waited for him to get up. "Coast is clear," he added, confirming the visitors had left.
With Chip out of the house and just the two of them alone, Cloud waited for Rand to ask him what they'd talked about while he was out front with the visitors. He didn't. Cloud wished that gave him some kind of relief but it didn't and he couldn't help but bring it up.
"You're not going to ask?" he spoke up to Rand when the man had taken off his coat and boots and was walking past him toward the kitchen.
Although the man hadn't immediately questioned him, he could tell he was concerned. He could just feel it.
"Do I need to?" he shot back at him without making eye contact.
Chip stepped back inside the house then and Cloud refocused his attention on the television while Rand began filling the sink with water in the kitchen to wash the dishes from dinner.
"I'm headin' out for the night, cousin," Chip called to Rand as he was making his way to the stairs.
"Where?" Rand asked as he immediately approached him, stopping him before he could head upward.
"Got a date," he told him.
"A date?" Rand echoed as if the word weren't in any vocabulary he knew. "That's not a good idea," he commented quickly.
"Well I haven't gotten laid in two years so I think it's a great fucking idea," Chip argued. "Gonna make the most of my free time, cousin. You should do the same. Be happy," he said, glancing briefly at Cloud. "You'll have the house all to yourselves again tonight so you can go back to playing with your handcuffs or whatever," he remarked.
With that said the turned his back on Rand and began to head up the stairs where he disappeared into the bathroom. Cloud heard Rand's frustrated exhale before he headed away back to the kitchen sink.
Chip was only in the bathroom for about five minutes. When he came back downstairs he called over to Rand.
"I'm out," he told him.
"How are you going to get wherever you're going?" Rand called back to him while he was rinsing one of the dinner plates.
"Don't worry about it," was all Chip told him.
He headed over to get his raincoat on. Afterward, he moved to where Cloud was still sitting and nudged his shoulder to get his attention. When Cloud turned his head and looked up at him he could also see Rand over in the kitchen observing them. Chip had his back to him though.
"Left you something," Chip told him in a low voice. Cloud barely heard him so he was sure Rand couldn't. "Under the sink."
Cloud assumed he meant the sink in the bathroom and although Chip didn't specify, he was pretty sure the thing he had left was the bottle of liquor.
"You need to loosen up and he needs to loosen the leash," the man told him a little more audibly. Still, he doubted Rand could discern what he was saying from where he was standing. Chip was a bit of a mumbler when he spoke.
He pat Cloud's shoulder firmly once before he moved away from him and made his way to the door to leave.
"Night, cousin!" he called over his shoulder before finally leaving.
When the door closed behind him, Rand walked over slowly to it. He opened the door and looked out past the screening of the porch to see Chip headed on foot up the driveway toward the road. After a moment he shut the door again and locked it.
"What was that about?" he asked Cloud then.
"What?" Cloud asked back, faking some confusion.
"What'd he just say to you?"
"Oh," Cloud said as he stared ahead at the television. "He thinks I'm too uptight," he informed Rand. "And that you need to loosen the leash."
He looked at Rand when a few seconds passed and he hadn't responded. He couldn't really read his expression but it wasn't a happy one. He knew there must have been a lot he was holding back from saying in the moment. When he stayed silent Cloud scoffed lightly and started to get up.
"Where are you going?" Rand asked him then.
"Bathroom," was all Cloud said before heading away from him.
Upstairs in the bathroom, under the sink he did find the liquor bottle Chip had left behind. He drank from it without putting more than a few seconds of thought into it. He wantedto be drunk, even if he knew it could be a bad idea. He figured there was a pretty good chance he'd be able to do it without Rand even noticing. The man wasn't going to stop him from using the bathroom and he'd be alone in his room before he really felt it to the point it was visibly obvious he was intoxicated.
Over the next couple hours and three more trips to the bathroom later he did accomplish what he set out to. It wasn't hard. His tolerance for liquor was pretty low, but he drank more than he needed to in order to get himself drunk enough not to care or feel and if Rand hadn't been sitting at the table in the dining room while he was doing something on his laptop, rather than sitting in the living room area with him he probably would have noticed.
By the time Rand normally brought him upstairs to his room, he wasn't sure he'd be able to walk straight because he definitely wasn't seeing straight. Rand seemed more preoccupied than usual, however so he hoped to use that to his advantage and asked him if it was fine with him if he went upstairs to bed. The man told him it was fine without even looking at him. Carefully, and with some concentrated effort, Cloud made his way upstairs.
His intention was to go to his room and lay down but as he was passing the open door to Rand's room he stopped. He took a moment to glance over the railing down to the main floor to see if Rand was still busily typing away as he had been moments before and he was. That's when he made a split-second decision that had he not been drunk, he wouldn't have even thought to attempt.
Instead of heading into his room, he entered Rand's. The lighting in the room was low, the only source being one of the bedside lamps that was on. It would have to be enough as he didn't want to turn on any other lights that might draw attention. As quietly as he could he began opening drawers, hoping to find the phone he'd seen Rand use, or his own phone, which would be even better.
He came up with nothing in the armoire, the dresser or the one nightstand. He'd moved on to other nightstand on the other side of the bed when he thought he heard something. He froze and listened, looking in the direction of the door. After a few seconds and not hearing anything else, he assumed he was safe and proceeded to open the drawer in the table.
"What are you doing?"
Rand's voice cut through the quiet and had Cloud jumping from the surprise as he shut the drawer again fast.
"Nothing," he responded quickly.
He suddenly felt sober, or at least, less drunk than he had leading to that point. He stood straight to face Rand and observed his expression which was somewhere between confused and angry.
"You're looking for something," the man said as he left the doorway to approach him slowly. "What?" Rand asked him sharply, no longer looking confused, only angry. "What are you looking for?"
Cloud wanted to back up but there was no place to back up into. He was trapped.
"Cocaine," he found himself blurting out and it had Rand stopping in his tracks.
Cloud felt his own eyes widen slightly. He didn't know why that had been the thing to come out of his mouth. It's all his brain had apparently been capable of coming up with as an excuse in the moment. Now that he had said it though, he had to stick with it.
Rand shook his head, seeming much more confused than angry then. "Why would you be looking for—" he began to question before the realization hit him and it was obvious in his expression when it did. "Chip."
The man shook his head to himself with his hands on his hips as he looked up at the ceiling.
"You're not going to tell me it's a lie?" Cloud asked him, feeling himself get a little angry then.
He didn't know when he would have tried to question Rand about what Chip had told him of the man's past, or if he ever would have, but the thought it could be true did provoke some sudden strong emotions from him.
"Would it matter?" Rand fired back at him, seemingly accusing him of having made up his mind already so there was no point in talking about it.
The fact Rand seemed offended by his possible judgement had Cloud feeling even angrier suddenly. He scoffed at Rand's lack of response and shook his head. He tried to walk past him but the man stopped him, taking hold of his upper arm and pulling him back.
"Wait a minute. What's wrong with you?" he asked.
"With me?" Cloud fired back sharply. He attempted to pull his arm out of Rand's hold but the man held on firmly.
He was looking directly into his face as Cloud tried not to look at him. Cloud knew how obvious it was to the man then that he was very intoxicated.
"What did you take?" Rand asked. "Was it from Chip?"
"No," Cloud denied. "I didn't take anything, you psycho!"
"You're lying," Rand accused.
The comment struck a nerve in him, even if the man was right. He shoved at Rand forcefully, trying to push him back from him and get him to let go of his arm. Rand did release his arm then but he quickly took hold of his sweatshirt in his hands under his chin and turned him, pushing his back into the nearby wall. It didn't really hurt but the jolt of it had him wincing.
"Answer me, Cloud!"
"Who?!" Cloud snapped back at him loudly. "You mean Jake?"
The serious but concerned look on Rand's face had him bursting out laughing then and he didn't really know why.
"You're drunk," Rand told him.
Right. That's why.
"How?" The man asked. "How?!" He repeated when Cloud didn't answer him quickly. He pushed against his chest once more, pressing him into the wall.
"There's a bottle under the sink. In the bathroom," he told him.
Rand looked confused. He looked toward the bedroom door before shaking his head.
"Did he leave it there for you?" Rand asked, by 'he' Cloud knew he meant his cousin.
"No," Cloud denied.
"Did he tell you it was there?" The man further interrogated. His hands were still latched onto his sweatshirt.
"I just found it," he lied to Rand.
Rand stared down at him a moment. It wasn't difficult to read him right then. He looked pissed off. Angry that something had happened that hadn't been under his control. Still gripping his sweatshirt, the man pulled him back from the wall and turned him once more, pushing him backward towards where the end of the bed was. He let go of him but as Cloud stepped back, he felt the bed against the backs of his legs and it threw him off balance and had him sitting down on it.
Rand left the room then, headed for the bathroom. Cloud sighed hard, rolling his eyes as he let his upper body fall back against the bed. Rand was right. There was no way of denying it. He was drunk.
He chuckled to himself a little as he listened to the sound of the cabinet door being opened in the bathroom and slammed shut once more. It was followed by Rand's footsteps as he returned to the bedroom. Cloud covered his closed eyes with his hands clenched into fists. He was sure he was about to get yelled at, like some teenager that had just been caught sneaking booze from his parents.
"You're going to get in my face or give me a fucking lecture while you're doing coke?" he spoke before Rand did. He really didn't want to hear it if that's what was coming.
"I'm not," Rand denied. "There's no cocaine or anything else like that here. Chip doesn't know what he's talking about," he claimed.
"Sure," Cloud scoffed. "Why would he make up something like that if it weren't true?"
"He's a felon," Rand told him.
"So are you," Cloud remarked a little under his breath.
"As in you think I've been convicted, or you just see me as one?" Rand replied, a hint of irritation in his tone as if he were offended by the thought.
Cloud felt the mattress move as Rand sat down next to him at the end of the bed.
"What do you consider a kidnapper?" Cloud asked. His eyes were still shut. When he heard nothing from Rand, he lowered his hands from his face and looked in his direction. The man was staring at the liquor bottle that he was holding in his hands. He simply shook his head to Cloud's mostly rhetorical question before he unscrewed the cap from the bottle so he could take a drink from it.
"With all the money you have I assume you've never been convicted of anything," Cloud noted as he lifted his head and shoulders and propped himself up on his elbows. "But you have been arrested right?"
Rand looked at him. His expression was hard.
"Did he say that?" he asked, referring once more to Chip. As Cloud cast his eyes down, Rand scoffed. "I'm going to kill him," he remarked.
"Were you doing it in Midgar? At Shinra?" Cloud asked as he sat himself up fully. It was pretty obvious Chip hadn't been lying about Rand having been an illegal drug user. But Chip had also called him an addict and it confused him. He'd never seen Rand do anything other than take pills that were either over the counter or prescribed to him.
"No," Rand told him before he took another drink.
"The Gongaga facility?"
"A couple of times there," the man admitted, followed by more alcohol.
"Did you have a problem at some point?" Cloud questioned.
The man took a long moment before answering him.
"I didn't think of it that way at the time," he said.
"Why did you ever do it in the first place," Cloud asked.
Rand sighed heavily. He looked at the floor as he explained.
"It was part of the environment and the lifestyle I was raised in. in certain circles…it's everywhere. I let things get out of control and I paid for it. The choices I made cost me my family," Rand told him and he could tell the man was ashamed by the admission. "Happy?" He asked.
Cloud shook his head, though Rand wasn't looking at him to see it. He wished the thought of the man suffering because he had struggled with drug use made him happy but it didn't. He couldn't help but think of Zack and how he'd turned to drugs after they'd escaped Hojo's custody in the mansion.
He thought of his best friend and the shame and obvious guilt he'd suffered after letting himself get entangled in that punishing cycle of addiction. Want was never part of the equation. He didn't want the drugs. It was about what he felt he needed.
"Why did it get to that point?" he asked. "Why did you keep doing it?"
"In truth? I felt I needed it at times to focus. To do whatever needed to get done. And to suppress whatever I was feeling that I didn't want to feel. Physically or emotionally. It erases everything temporarily. Guilt. Fear. Pain. Shame. Loneliness."
"You felt like that in Gongaga?"
He shrugged.
"I told you. I didn't like doing what I did to you there. Creating and enforcing the program…it was my job. Being good at it never made it easy. I nearly didn't come back there. After you went into the water. When you…"
"Drowned," Cloud finished for him when he didn't. "Why?"
"Because I failed to do my job," Rand claimed. "And because Hojo was right. I let myself connect emotionally to you, and you paid for it."
Cloud didn't understand what he was trying to say. "What do you mean?"
"I wanted to give you as much freedom as possible outside. You should have been in restraints. If you had been you would never have made it over the wall. Would never have ended up in the water. And you would not have been put through afterward what they put you through," he reasoned.
Cloud tried to take in his words that still felt like they needed to be decoded. After a moment he asked, "So if you had the time back you'd give me less freedom?"
Rand thought about it briefly. "I'd…"
He didn't finish his declaration, choosing instead to drink more from the nearly empty bottle in his hands. "This is horrible," he commented then. "It's like drinking paint remover."
He seemed so sad. Cloud felt the sadness from him like an aura encircling him. He didn't know how or why he could feel the things he did for Rand, but he could somehow hate him and pity him at the same time. That had always been true for him. As far back as he could remember being under his control. There was something so profoundly sad about him when he let his guard down. So lost. He didn't think that Rand was the way he was because he wanted to be. He felt like whatever he'd been exposed to in his life had made him the way he was. It didn't excuse anything. It was just the explanation.
"I did appreciate it though," Cloud found himself saying aloud softly while he looked at the floor. "Those freedoms or whatever. They meant something to me."
Rand stayed quiet and unmoving, not acknowledging his declaration in any way that he could discern in the moment. If anything, he seemed lost in thought. Regret, perhaps.
"I'm sorry," Cloud found himself saying to him.
He thought about how hard it must have been for him in his life. He'd been treated so poorly by his own family. Been sent away to a place where he was likely tortured mentally, physically, or both, because he'd shown affection that might have been nothing other than kinship toward a boy at school when he was young. He'd lost someone close to him to suicide. Lost his wife and what sounded like any form of custody of his son. He didn't have any kind of support system around him that he could see that wasn't simply financial. It made sense that he would try to hold on to the things that made him feel anything at all outside of pain.
"I know the things you lost…the people you lost…it can't have been easy for you. And no amount of money or stature can fix loneliness."
Rand looked at him but didn't respond. Feeling awkward then, Cloud reached to take the bottle from Rand's hands. The man didn't stop him from taking a final swig from it.
Cloud shook his head as he swallowed the liquid down and handed the bottle back to him.
"It does taste like paint remover," he agreed. He hadn't been able to say what it tasted like when he'd been drinking it before.
"How much did you drink of it?" Rand asked him and he shook his head again.
"Too much," he mumbled. He was warm. Actually, he felt hot. He was wasted at that point. His vision was starting to double. "I feel like I can't see straight," he said as he rubbed at his eyes, trying to make the blur disappear.
He reached under his sweater with his right arm, to help himself get his left arm out of his sleeve. He needed the sweater off so he could cool down.
"I need to lie down," he remarked, mostly to himself.
He struggled with his sweater as he was standing himself up. It got caught when he had it over his head and was still trying to pull his one arm from the sleeve. It had him wavering and losing his balance where he stood at the end of the bed.
"Careful!" he heard Rand say as he felt the man grab him to try and steady him. Cloud had to sit himself back down next to him to keep from falling over.
"Let me help," he heard Rand's muffled words through the material that felt like it was suffocating him. He turned his body slightly in his direction so he could let him.
The man set down the liquor bottle on the floor and helped to pull the article of clothing from him. When it was off his head, he was breathing a little harder from the brief exertion. He felt like his head was spinning a little. Or the room was.
"Thanks," he breathed out to Rand as he tried to take the sweater the man was now holding from his hands.
When Rand didn't let go of it Cloud blinked, making himself focus again. He found Rand staring at him, his eyes moving, alternately looking him in his own eyes and then at what he thought must be his mouth. He wasn't so drunk that he couldn't tell what he was thinking about. It had his stomach sinking.
Since being brought to that house in the woods, he'd been fearful of Rand trying to sleep with him but the man had barely touched him, outside of the times he'd restrained him early on or when he'd nudged him toward something. The bedroom, the dining table, the like. He assumed though that he wanted to touch him. That he wanted the kind of physical interaction they'd had in Midgar in the suite they'd shared.
Although he had admitted to taking advantage of his vulnerability that the implant had left him with in order to have a that deeper intimate relationship with him, the man still didn't see it the way Cloud saw it and indeed Cloud had had a hard time always believing that what Rand did to him was rape and nothing else.
Other than that one incident in the shower after the New Years event when the man had descended upon him suddenly and with force, he remembered the way he interacted with him during sex. Rand truly seemed to believe that he'd been caring and although he'd drugged him at times before intercourse, which left him unable to really resist, he was also forced to remember that he did treat him with care. Like he cherished him.
This was the moment he had been afraid of. He felt his heart hammering his chest wall then. He hadn't been kidding when he said he was having a hard time seeing straight. Despite how intoxicated he was though, he could see everything that was ahead of him in that moment. It's what he'd expected would come eventually and yet he was still taken off-guard, frozen in fear in front of the man who had taken from him over and over and who he had told himself would never get to take from him like that ever again.
He should have expected Rand's attempt in that moment. He was a ritual type of guy. Routine. There were always routines with him. This was just another of those routines, established in Midgar. It was late. Rand felt comfortable, vulnerable even. Cloud had made himself vulnerable and maybe in his eyes available. He was drunk. And he'd put himself in Rand's room. He'd been kind to him. He'd acknowledged him as a human being. He'd presented himself like optimal and familiar prey. Assisting him with something so minor like helping him get off a stuck sweater fed that belief in him that he was needed. That he was still able to care for him as he had as a Keeper, and that Cloud wanted or needed him to.
Rand leaned in slowly, so slowly it was painstaking. Cloud knew Rand wanted to try and kiss him. The man's mouth was near to his own, their noses all but touching, but Cloud found him looking into his eyes like he was giving him every opportunity to put the brakes on and stop him. Of course he wanted to but he didn't. He wondered if maybe Rand was just trying to read him to decide how to proceed and with how much coercion or force. That it actually wasn't about permission at all.
Whatever it was, Cloud told himself it was time to make himself get through what he had expected was his eventuality in that cabin, even if he still dreaded it. He told himself it was an advantage to him, to gain a more significant level of trust from Rand. The only thing keeping him there and keeping him from fighting and trying to escape was Koda. Knowing now what he did and suspecting Rand really didn't care about Koda's welfare, the last thing he wanted was for the man to bring him to the cabin. He'd thought about it and the safest thing, at least for the time being, was for him to go back to his mother. He needed to convince Rand of that. If by some chance it made a difference for Koda, if by being with Rand meant the man might actually give him what he wanted, he was willing to do whatever he had to. To accept whatever he had to.
Rand proceeded to kiss him, but not his mouth. Their lips barely brushed and instead Rand kissed the left side of his neck. Cloud sat frozen a second before tilting his head toward the right slightly, further exposing the area the man kissed gently.
Rand dropped his sweater he'd had in his hands until that moment and took the hem of Cloud's t-shirt in his hands. Cloud lifted his arms as the material was pulled upward slowly. Rand retracted from him briefly to pull the shirt over his head and off him.
The man kissed his bare shoulders and his chest and both sides of his neck. His skin felt alive with a tingling sensation everywhere Rand made contact and his heart continued to race to the point he actually felt dizzy on top of already feeling drunk.
When the man started to kiss his mouth that's when things seemed to go autopilot for him with his own movements. There'd only been a few times in Midgar that he and Rand had kissed on the mouth. It hadn't really been part of their sexual contact that had gone on almost daily. There'd only been a few people he actually had kissed, and even fewer that he felt anything at all with when making out with them. It just never seemed to feel right or natural and his mind would wander. Among the exceptions were Tifa and Marco. There was a natural feeling that came with kissing Tifa. A feeling like he was safe, like he was home. Kissing Marco had felt like being on fire in the best possible way.
Rand kissing him made him feel trapped. It made him feel like he needed to try to get out from under him. It had him shifting his weight back on the bed, leaning away and sliding himself back, pulling his legs up onto the mattress fully. The man stayed close to him, following his movements and climbing over him up on the bed.
He'd had his eyes tightly shut but opened them when the man went back to kissing his chest and further downward on his stomach. It was clear then as he gripped his hips what trajectory he was headed on. Cloud didn't stop him from tugging at the fabric of his sweatpants to get them off of him. Already resigned to what felt like dreaded fate, he lifted his hips slightly to make it easier for his pants to be taken off. Rand's mouth on him brought up sadly familiar moments he remembered from Midgar. He didn't know how much his body was responding physically to what Rand was doing. He swore he couldn't feel anything at all. It might have been due to the alcohol, but he thought maybe his mind was just cutting him off from reality.
After a minute Rand stood up next to the bed and proceeded to shut the bedroom door. He hadn't even thought about the fact it was open. He began to undress himself. Cloud turned himself over on the bed before the man could fully expose himself to him. He'd didn't want to look at him. Didn't want to think about what they were doing, what he was giving into. He just wanted it done.
The man lubricated himself with something from the dresser that he didn't see as he lay on his stomach and gripped the pillow under the side of his face. He shut his eyes and let the inebriated feeling he had rock him gently and pull him into the mattress until he felt with dulled senses the mattress dipping down as Rand climbed onto it and finally the heat from the man's body. It wasn't difficult with how wasted he felt at that point to stay relaxed when the man let more of his weight onto him and pushed into him slowly and again he hardly felt anything. For a few minutes he didn't even feel like he was in his body. He felt like he was on the verge of passing out. His body was heating up though and as he broke into a sweat he started to feel everything.
He'd spent a lot of time blaming himself for Rand's past actions. He and Zack had even fought about it. Fought about his inclination to take some responsibility. He hadn't been able to remember what he'd been thinking when he'd engaged in sexual acts with Rand. He couldn't remember how he felt but the fact he'd initiated some of the contact or gotten sexual release from the acts made him feel like he must have wanted the interaction on some level. That maybe he had felt like he needed it.
For the first time since waking up from his implant removal surgery he knew the truth. He could feel it in his whole body, in what felt like every part of him, like his cells kept the memories for him of what he'd felt. He'd hated it. He'd hated every second of it. Every second of their interactions. He'd done what he was told and what he was conditioned to and what he'd thought was required of him and that was all. Not one moment of it had been what he wanted.
That realization, paired with the feeling like his temperature was rising to an unbearable level and the semi-sobering acknowledgement of his abuser actually being inside him again had him breathing harder from crushing shame. He gripped the pillow under him harder as he panted with building emotion. He started to feel sick and like he could start crying.
Rand's left hand clasped his own suddenly, his fingers slipping between his. He felt them pressing into his palm firmly.
He didn't know how much of what happened then was controlled by him and his determination to get an advantage over Rand or how much was owed to a simple self-defence mechanism, a part of himself trying to protect him, but he let his mind go in that moment.
He hated his reality and he wanted out. He imagined instead that it wasn't him and Rand in bed together. He wasn't lying under his former Keeper giving himself to him because he was afraid to fight or doing it in the hopes of getting his trust so that it may help him and his son. He wasn't even using sex as he once had to distract himself from his emotional pain or in an attempt to desensitize himself to it to tame his fear. Instead, he was with Marco. It was Marco's hand holding his own. It was his skin against his own. His breath in his ear. His sounds of pleasure.
He thought of Marco telling him how much he wanted to be with him. How good it felt to be with him. Things he'd said during sex. How hot he was. How he wanted to see him let go.
He felt it then. The fire alive under his skin that heated him in a good way instead. He felt what he hadn't fully been able to let himself when he'd been with Marco because he'd been afraid. Deeper feelings of pleasure. Freedom to acknowledge those physical feelings. He knew there was irony in the fact he couldn't feel those things when he was actually free to, instead only now while he was bound by his situation.
He'd been terrified of letting go while he was with Marco because he hadn't wanted to find himself thinking of Rand and the things that the man had made him do or managed to get out of him. Now it was just the opposite. He let go with Rand while only thinking of Marco. It was the kind of sex he wished he'd gotten to with Marco. Marco had been what he felt at the time was a little too careful with him when they were having sex. That wasn't the case with Rand. It was true that earlier on when the man had first begun having intercourse with him in Midgar he'd been that careful. But over time that had changed. As Rand had grown more comfortable in their relationship while he'd had the implant in his head and had learned what he could handle physically, the man hadn't been as careful or tentative.
Rand's movements now were confident, forceful but not painful right then, the way he'd tried to assure Marco he was comfortable with. He was sure they'd been on their way to that point in their short relationship before he'd lost it on him and ran out.
Imagining himself back in time with Marco, back at the hotel in Midgar, in bed and engaged in that kind of intense sex right then had his breathing becoming harder and he groaned in response to the electrifying sensations that began spreading throughout his body.
A minute or so later, Rand slowed against him, whispering in his ear that he wanted to look at him. He only heard it from Marco. Moments after that, he was on his back, looking up at Rand as the man was pushing into him deeply. He felt the man's hands gripping the sides of his face firmly as he was watching him. He didn't see Rand looking back at him though. He just saw Marco. His eyes and his parted mouth. He felt his breath on his face as they both panted. He closed his eyes as Marco pressed his forehead to his own and asked him to hold onto him. Cloud reached up and gripped his back, pressing the tips of his fingers into his skin, digging them in gently.
"Come with me?" were his quiet words that seemed like a command more than a question.
Marco wanted to get him over the edge, told him how badly he wanted it.
He felt the man's hands sliding under his back, holding onto him, pulling him as tightly against his own body as he could while his movements became quicker and sharper. It brought on some pain then that Cloud tried to ignore as he pressed himself up into him because each thrust at that point had him inching toward an intense climax that had him tensing his whole body. His breaths became short and he felt like all the blood was draining from his limbs into his torso. He was lightheaded and his face and hands felt like they were numbing.
"Now."
He barely heard the panted word that told him what to do. Those last moments and how hard he was letting his body be driven into had him releasing some pained sounds as he kept his eyes tightly shut. Marco's face was beside his own as he moaned into his ear and the pillow under his head. Cloud arched his body into his as they climaxed not entirely together but close to it. He clutched onto Marco's back tightly while the tension was at its highest and waited for the pulsing waves of it to run their way through him like rolling thunder.
Immediately afterward his hands were slipping from him as he sank heavily against the bed. He took some deeper, longer breaths. His limbs felt alive with a prickling sensation. He felt a few tears trailing from the corners of his eyes to mix with beads of sweat rolling into his hair. Marco was heaving against him, his chest pressing against his own as he lay against him, his face nuzzled in tightly against the side of his head and neck. He could feel his pulse. His heart beating inches from his own. Only, it wasn't Marco. Despite the fantasy he'd created for himself to get through what he'd forced himself to, he did know that.
Rand lifted his upper body from him slightly as he propped himself up on this elbows over him and placed some light kisses onto his cheeks. Slowly then he slid himself over next to Cloud at his left side. Cloud lay still, breathing hard with his eyes closed. He didn't want to look at Rand or the ceiling above him in the room he wished he wasn't in. He didn't want to come back to reality and the truth before him. He kept his eyes closed. Prayed for the man next to him that he hated to just stay silent.
He listened to the sound of the rain outside hitting the glass on the windows and running through the eaves. Didn't resist when he felt a hand on the right side of his face, making him turn his head so that Rand could kiss him again. He only breathed against the man's mouth, not participating in the short kiss. He didn't even really feel him, only the heat dissipating from his own body. He didn't feel the shame he knew he would later, or the sadness. He tried to just hold on to Marco. Tried to hold onto him in his mind. His smile and the way he looked at him.
As more tears were welling up under his closed eyelids. He turned himself over on his side, away from Rand. He imagined that it was Marco he'd be falling asleep next to. It was Marco's body nestled against his back. His arm that reached over him, under his own to hold onto him. His arms would be the first thing he felt when he woke up and his kind eyes and smile would be the first thing he saw when he turned over upon waking.