Hey all,

Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed the last chapter. I'm working on getting replies to you. The site was being annoying and not sending reviews to me again so hopefully you'll get the reply that I send to you. Just know that I'm very grateful for your comments. They do a lot to motivate me to try to get out the updates as quickly as possible. Hope you're all well and that you enjoy the chapter. Thanks as always so much for coming back to read.

General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behavior, and references to or discussions of suicide.

~Forty-Seven~

When Cloud started to wake up the following morning, he felt how hungover he was before even opening his eyes. He was thirsty and his head was aching. His eyelids felt glued together when he finally tried to open his eyes. Upon seeing which room he was still in he quickly remembered the night before. It had actually happened…

He listened then, to try and hear whether Rand was still sleeping or not. What he heard first was the rain outside. It sounded like it had eased up a little once more. As he listened a little harder, he thought he could hear the sink running in the bathroom. Unless it was Chip, and he didn't think it would be, it meant Rand was out of the room and he was alone in the bed. Last he remembered the night before, he'd turned over in the bed away from Rand. He'd woken up in the same position.

Before he could make himself move, his eyes focused on something close to his face. It was his arm and something shiny secured around his wrist loosely. He retracted his arm into his body a little and felt the restriction against his wrist. Rand had handcuffed him. There were two sets of cuffs, one attached to the other to make a little longer chain, keeping his arm secured to the headboard of the bed frame. He didn't know when that had happened.

The door to the room was closed. He turned his body over a little so he could confirm he was alone and he was. His body was stiff, like he'd been tensing his muscles for hours. He was still naked, but he was lying under the covers of the bed. He had no memory of getting himself under them so he assumed it had occurred after he was passed out. He noticed that a glass of water and two tablets of a regular over the counter painkiller were set out on the side table next to him.

He sat himself up slowly and somewhat awkwardly as he was unable to move his arm more than about a foot and a half from the headboard. With his free hand he reached for the tablets. He found it difficult to swallow them down even with the help of water.

He refused to let his mind lead him back over the events of the night before in detail. It wasn't too difficult in the moment because he was focused on how physically sick he felt. He knew taking the painkillers on an empty stomach might help his head but it wasn't going to help with the sick feeling he had. He knew not all of that feeling was purely because of the hangover he had. He was disgusted with himself and with Rand.

The man had had no problem with seizing the opportunity he'd presented him with the night before. He'd had no difficulty engaging in sex with him while he was intoxicated and there'd been no doubt that he was.

After having sex with him and after finding that at some point he was passed out, he'd proceeded to handcuff him to the bed. Even if they'd slept together, he knew it meant the man didn't trust him. It made Cloud wonder if Rand saw what happened the night before as a consensual act, or if he felt he had simply taken advantage of him while he was once again vulnerable and that because it wasn't truly consensual, he needed to continue to keep physical control of him.

Cloud heard the bathroom door opening about ten minutes after he'd woken up. He watched the bedroom door, waiting for it to open. He sat with his knees drawn up under the covers over him, holding the blankets to his bare chest with his free hand, his back to the headboard.

When Rand opened the door he looked at Cloud almost with embarrassment. It wasn't what Cloud had expected and it confused him a little. The man was fully dressed, his hair seemed damp still from the shower he must have taken.

"Good morning," he greeted him as he proceeded to approach him at the side of the bed.

Cloud wasn't sure what to expect. He supposed he thought he might be coming over to him to try and touch or kiss him but he was approaching him to unlock the cuff that was around his wrist. Cloud just watched him, not saying anything.

"I'd hoped to be back in here to have this off before you woke up," he said.

So I wouldn't know you did it? Cloud asked himself silently.

"You took the tablets?" Rand noted then as he looked down at the side table. Cloud nodded. "How are you feeling?" was the man's next question.

"Like I drank too fucking much and like I need a shower," Cloud answered flatly. Rand smiled a little uneasily, nodding.

"I'll start making some breakfast while you're doing that. It'll help you feel better."

The man watched him as he began to make himself move. He held onto the covers in his hand as he moved his legs out of the bed to get his feet on the floor. He stopped there and only glanced at Rand as he asked if he could have his clothes. He couldn't see them anywhere. With another nod, Rand turned toward the dresser to pick up what Cloud did recognize then were the clothes he'd been wearing the night before. They'd been folded and left on top of the dresser. He couldn't make himself look at Rand when he took them out of the man's hands but he thanked him.

Finally, Rand left him alone. Cloud waited until he was sure the man was downstairs before making himself get up. He only put on his sweatpants to make the short trek to the shower. He found out then just how much he'd been out of it or how dulled his senses had been by the effects of the alcohol he'd drank the night before when he walked to the bathroom. He was sore. He supposed he'd known he would be, given how far he pushed his limits the night before and the amount of pain he had felt despite being drunk. Maybe he'd also wanted to punish himself a little. He sort of appreciated the pain for what it did for him though, reminding him that what happened really hadn't been what he wanted.

For the first few minutes in the shower he simply stood in place, his arms crossed over his chest as he held onto his own upper arms. His shoulders were hunched forward while water beat against his back. The painkiller started to kick in and he felt his headache lessen a little. Although he was still able to keep himself from replaying in his mind what went on with Rand, he was finding it more difficult to remember he'd done what he did for a reason. It was taking all his willpower not to sink immediately into regret.

Eventually he was able to make himself move again, getting himself clean and dressed so he could head downstairs. He had a hard time looking at Rand and he was sure the man noticed. He could feel that the atmosphere had changed. He did wonder what Rand felt or thought about what happened. He needed him to feel good about it, or at least satisfied to some degree. Like there was now a real possibility of their relationship being repaired and that he could be forgiven for the things he'd done that he regretted. At the same time, the idea of the man being happy about what he'd got out of him the night before made him feel sick and anxious. He didn't know if he was ready to hear the man's thoughts or feelings about it.

As he was slowly working through his breakfast where he was seated at the island counter in the kitchen, Rand stood across the counter from him, watching him. When he leaned forward slightly to rest his forearms on the counter top and took in a deep breath, Cloud knew the moment he wanted to delay had come.

"I'd like to talk about last night."

Cloud exhaled with a bit of force through his nose. He didn't know exactly which emotion was behind the tone that Rand had as he spoke, but it didn't sound particularly happy.

"Why?" he asked before taking a mouthful of food. He kept his eyes down.

"It was…" the man seemed to struggle a little to describe it. "Intense," he concluded.

There seemed to be a level of concern in his voice that Cloud picked up on. He tried then to remain stoic about it, like he was oblivious or unconcerned.

"And?" he questioned as he continued to try and force down as much food as he could.

He really didn't expect that to be the man's first comment about it. He said it like the intensity of what they did was cause for his apparent concern. That it warranted a serious discussion. He didn't disagree that it had been intense. He also didn't want to think about the details. Didn't want to try to qualify it. He couldn't see what the problem would be for Rand. It's not like he'd forced the man to do anything he hadn't wanted to do or even pressured him to get as into it as he had. Just the opposite. Rand hadn't needed any encouragement. He'd been eager, and how he engaged with him during what occurred made it pretty clear that the desire he had to be with him physically had been building up in him for a while.

"You liked it," he pointed out to Rand when he seemed hesitant as to how he should respond. He could have made it a question, but it wasn't one. He knew Rand had liked it. He looked up at him briefly to see him once again looking slightly embarrassed, as he had been when he had to unlock the cuffs on him.

"Yes," he agreed softly. "But it was different," he stated.

"Than what?" Cloud asked back in a sharper tone.

He was quickly getting a little annoyed then, but he was also worried. Worried that what he'd forced himself to do with Rand hadn't been enough or it hadn't been done the right way. Something.

"Than before," Rand said. "In Midgar. It was never like that," he pointed out.

Cloud couldn't hide the fact he was irritated then at his comment. He dropped the spoon he was holding into the bowl in front of him and exhaled strongly.

"You were never sleeping with the real me in Midgar," he argued.

Actually, he had never slept with anyone like that before. Intensity was one thing, pain and pushing limits…but there'd been a level of intimacy and passion as well that was emotionally torturous to think about. That's what had him feeling so sick about the night before. Also, the fact he'd been thinking about Marco had him realizing how much he actually liked him. How attracted to him he actually was.

"The real you…" Rand repeated his words quietly as he looked down a moment at the counter. He shook his head then. "I don't think that's it," he said and he faced Cloud straight on again. "Was it me you were with last night, or was it someone else?" he asked plainly.

The question felt like a gut punch, if it really was a question that he wanted an answer to. It sounded pretty rhetorical. For a second Cloud just stared back at him, shocked that he'd been asked what Rand asked him. Could the man really see through him that easily? He didn't know then how he was going to lie convincingly to him because it sounded like he already knew the answer and wasn't going to believe any different.

"What are you talking about?" he asked back, trying his best to be visibly confused.

"You've been very angry with me since we left Junon," he pointed out. "Of course, I hoped that at some point you would lower your defenses enough so that we might have a chance at getting closer to one another again, but your sudden willingness surprised me last night when the opportunity was presented. I didn't expect when confronted with it that you would be so engaged." Rand said.

When the opportunity was presented? Confronted with it?

The words had him feeling cold. What the hell had he done? It seemed obvious. He'd been challenged by Rand as part of what felt now like an ongoing game and somehow failed. He really didn't know how he would have won, if that was the case. Had Rand wanted him to refuse his advances the night before? Or did he want him to give in but not as willingly as he had or not participate the way he had? Part of him was quickly becoming overwhelmed with devastation at the thought, but outwardly he was only offended then.

"Was it another fucking test then?" He threw the question at the man.

It actually did hurt to think about. He didn't think Rand was that kind of sadist. Perhaps he was though. The fact he was calling him out only seemed to make the man push down harder on him.

"A test?" Rand replied innocently. "No. I just want the truth. Were you imagining someone else in the room?" he asked as he pushed himself up from where he was leaning on the counter. "Someone other than me?" he interrogated as he crossed his arms and looked down at Cloud. "Zack?"

Cloud had had his hands covering most of his face as he listened, rubbing at it with exhaustion and exasperation. He dropped them quickly at the mention of Zack.

"What?!" he responded quickly then. "Why do you still think there is anything like that between me and Zack?" he asked Rand in a louder, stronger tone. "There isn't! I love Zack because he's my best friend and because he's blood to me. He's the closest thing I could ever have to a brother. That's all."

He didn't break eye contact with Rand as the man stared back at him, taking in his declaration. He nodded very slightly, accepting what he was saying as truth, Cloud hoped, because it was. Still, he was looking back at him critically, suspiciously, Cloud supposed. But maybe more than that. He was skeptical and jealous, perhaps. Cloud actually felt what was coming then, like he could read it in Rand's eyes before the words made it out of him.

"Then who was it? Marco? Mister King of Pickup Lines?"

Cloud's quick response to that was a dry scoff and an incredulous smile while he shook his head and looked away.

"This is fucking stupid," he remarked as he stood up fast then.

"Sit down and answer me," Rand ordered him before he could take one step.

"Forget it," Cloud fired back at him.

"That's not a denial," the man pointed out, stepping in front of him to block his way as he tried to walk away. "It was him then?" he pushed him to answer.

"No!" Cloud did verbally deny then as he sank back down onto the seat at the counter. "You're crazy, Rand," he told the man as he crossed his arms in front of him tightly.

"Am I?" the man asked him, but it was clear he was feeling like he'd struck gold with his accusation.

"Yes," Cloud responded definitively.

He knew he sounded sure but he had to quickly run over in his head if he had somehow said something out loud the night before that would point to the fact he had been imagining he was with Marco instead of Rand. He didn't think so.

Rand was quiet a moment. They both were. The man backed away from him, walked slowly back around the island to stand across from him once more. Cloud avoided looking at him but he could feel that Rand's eyes stayed on him the entire time. When he spoke next, it wasn't what Cloud expected.

"Do you think he's looking for you right now?"

"What?" Cloud asked, looking at him fast then.

He seemed almost amused as he stepped back to lean against the counter behind him, where the sink was, like he was enjoying how uncomfortable Cloud was, and he was uncomfortable. He couldn't hide it. It felt like the man was mocking him, trying to get him to break down.

"How the hell would I know?" was Cloud's retort.

Rand smiled at that. He took a breath before continuing on with what seemed like a clear mission now to get Cloud to admit to something he didn't want to admit to. "He's quite accomplished, isn't he? His family well-established?"

Those words were the next gut punch Cloud got and it was a much harder hit that time. It wasn't a question. It was obvious Rand knew more about Marco now than just his last name. It took Cloud off guard. Actually, he felt something other than just angered or frustrated by the conversation. While he'd already had moments when he worried about Rand taking any interest in or wanting to question him about Marco, the fact the man knew what he'd never told him scared him. It meant he'd actually taken time to try to look for information about him.

"You never mentioned his significance in the motorsport industry," Rand pointed out to him as he stared back at him silently.

"Why would I?" he practically snapped at Rand. He'd sounded as angry and concerned as he felt and the man seemed satisfied by it, like he felt vindicated in thinking whatever he thought about him and Marco and their relationship.

Cloud shook his head before he turned it upward and looked at the ceiling above. He had to actively calm himself down, fighting the adrenaline surge that was make his body and his voice want to start trembling with the fear he actually felt. He actually felt more than that. Like…desperation. He didn't want anybody he knew to be targeted by Rand just because the man saw them as a kind of threat. It didn't matter if it was someone he'd known for years or barely knew at all. He didn't want to be the reason they were hurt.

He exhaled slowly through his nose, shoving his hands into the front pocket of the hooded sweater he had on. When he spoke to Rand then he managed to do so in a softer tone once more, one almost devoid of emotion.

"Look," he sighed tiredly. "He's just some guy to me, Rand." He shrugged. "Yeah, I liked him I guess, but he was too fucking nice and he lives in a cozy privileged bubble, oblivious to real world shit around him. The only reason I was going to see the guy in Junon was to apologize for losing it on him in Midgar and assaulting him."

"Assaulting him?" Rand questioned with a renewed hardened expression.

"Yeah, I hit him," Cloud informed him while looking down.

"Why?"

Cloud refused to answer that. He stayed quiet. Rand too, remained silent then. It was a heavy and tense silence. Cloud's head felt like it was pounding again. He didn't think anything he could say or do at that point would be able to assure Rand and make him fully believe his lies. He put his face in his hands, holding his upper body up on his elbows on the counter in front of him. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. The real and heavy regret and sadness that he knew he could expect to feel over what he did with Rand the night before started to hit him in that moment because clearly it hadn't been worth it. He could have started crying then. He did have something to say to Rand though.

"I've been really trying to believe you when you say you're sorry for hurting me and that you want to try and fix things," he spoke to him through his hands in a shaky voice. "I felt like I should at least give you a chance. Give…this a chance, because maybe I'm just fighting fate, or something I actually want. I don't know. But I tried last night. I don't know what I thought would happen…but the last thing I expected was that you would make me feel so shitty about it."

The man said his name after a long moment of taking in what he'd said. When Cloud looked up at him, he was surprised to see how his countenance had changed. His arms hung at his sides, his shoulders sinking slightly, like he'd released a lot of tension in his body.

"I…" he started to speak slowly. "I'm…sorry," he finally conveyed gently.

Rand believed what he'd just. The man really did. He looked ashamed. He moved away from the counter at his back to approach him slowly, looking weighed down by that shame.

"It really was just us in that room up there?" he uttered softly when he was close.

Cloud had just lowered his own hands from his face when Rand touched him, placing his hand on the left side of his head and leaning in with what Cloud assumed was the intention of maybe trying to kiss him.

"Don't," Cloud protested swiftly as he turned his head away from him at the same time. He regretted it immediately but it hadn't been something he could control in the moment. Not while he was sober at least.

"Why?" Rand asked, seeming somewhere between surprised and hurt then.

With a huffed exhale and a shake of his head as he mentally kicked himself, he tried to give some kind of reason.

"I…" he started to say but nothing else followed.

"You're confusing me, Cloud," Rand told him as he stepped back from him.

He still sounded hurt but frustrated as well.

"I know I'm sorry," Cloud told him as he stared down at the floor. He couldn't manage to look at him as he apologized, even if it was only to his back as he was turning away from him. It was ludicrous to him that he was in the position where he felt he had to apologize to him. He didn't have an option at that point but to continue the performance, otherwise putting himself through what he had the night before had been for nothing.

There was a long moment of silence between them when Rand turned back to look at him. Perhaps he was studying him, trying to read him, Cloud wasn't sure as he kept his head and eyes down.

"Last night. What happened. You weren't ready," he said then, surprising Cloud.

He had to try not to let that surprise show on him.

"I wasn't," he agreed quietly.

Relieved. He was so relieved that had been the man's response. He was buying it. The man wanted so badly to believe he could redeem himself and that there could be a future where they were together or where Cloud had at least forgiven him or was really trying to. He'd made it through the man's test and his interrogation and the conclusion Rand had come to was that being with each other on an intimate level was indeed something they both wanted to work toward, only it had been too much too quickly given their past. That was confirmed with his next sentiment.

"It's okay," Rand spoke in a comforting tone. "I know now you can trust me again," he stated and Cloud shook his head.

"No," he told him as he looked the man in the eyes again finally. He saw the hopeful expression on his face fall away.

This was what he'd prayed for. The opportunity to make his demands. He needed Rand to be open to that and he hoped now he might be.

"But—" the man began to speak. Cloud interrupted.

"Not while you have Koda," he told him firmly. Matter-of-factly.

"He's safe—" Rand tried to claim again and he cut him off.

"He isn't where he belongs."

"He can be here with us when the time's right—"

"No," he said fast. As tempting as that was to hope for, it wasn't actually what he wanted. He was sure about that now, for a few reasons. He needed to keep him away from Rand and he needed to get him away from anyone associated with him. The explanation he delivered to Rand however was at first a simple, "I don't think he should be near me."

"Why?" Rand asked.

The performance had to go on, despite how tired and anxious he was. Despite wanting in the moment nothing more than to curl up alone in the dark and just sleep to try and forget what he didn't want to think about. For the first time in weeks he felt like he had some power over Rand. He had to use it.

"Because, I think you're actually right," he said as he put his hands back in his sweater pocket and turned himself toward Rand. "I'm messed up. Too messed up to take care of him."

"Maybe right now," Rand agreed uneasily. "But, it won't be like that forever."

Cloud shook his head and looked at the man straight.

"He deserves better than me and what I have to offer. I don't want him growing up waiting on me to get my shit together, or hold it together," he told Rand.

The man seemed surprised at his sudden declaration. He looked back at him curiously, like he was trying to figure out what game he was trying to play right then.

"I don't think—" the man began to say something but he didn't let him finish.

"It's not just that though," he went on. "You said you think he has the Jenova cells right? Or the hybrid cells? Like mine?" he questioned. "Right?"

"Yes," Rand agreed.

"You did a good job hiding him from Hojo and Shinra," Cloud acknowledged. "They think he's dead. Having him with me would make the effort you went through pointless. It would put him at risk if the wrong person saw us together."

"I can hide both of you, Cloud," Rand told him confidently, in a way that maybe sounded reassuring in his own head. It only sounded threatening to Cloud.

Cloud had to take a deep breath then to try and stay calm. He needed Rand to believe he wasn't actually as scared and on the verge of panic as he was. He felt like he was walking the thinnest of lines. The man seemed to be listening to him, entertaining the things he was saying as truth, but if he said the wrong thing or said something the wrong way he felt like he'd see right through him and he'd see easily that Cloud was simply trying to manipulate him.

"You think that's the life I want for him?" he asked, his tone a bit sharp. "Is that what you'd want for your kid?" His question had the man looking down momentarily, taking a deep breath of his own. Cloud went on then a little gentler. "I want him to have a normal life. I can't change what's inside his DNA, but I can make sure he has the best chance of growing up in a life he deserves. He needs his mother, Rand."

Rand shook his head to that. He stood straighter, his stance rigid once more as he crossed his arms.

You're losing him, Cloud told himself as he watched him. The man looked on the verge of shutting the conversation down.

"I-I know you don't think she's trustworthy," he stuttered out quickly, "And I get it, but I believe in her. She loves him. I feel it. She's going to protect him."

Rand looked at him as if he were being entirely naïve. What he said when he responded finally made it clear that's just what he thought.

"I'm not sure she could fight as hard as you to save him if Hojo or someone else learned he was alive and in her care," he countered.

Cloud lowered his head a moment as he thought about it. Obviously, it was true that Koda could be in the same danger of the wrong person realizing he was still alive if he was with Anna and they were recognized. As far as how hard she would fight to protect him though, he thought a mother would do a pretty good job. He knew how hard his own mother would have fought to save him no matter the cost.

"Then help her," Cloud found himself saying.

"What?" Rand replied fast and Cloud looked up at him.

"She can protect him by starting over somewhere no one knows them," he proclaimed. "A small town somewhere…"

It's what he and his own mother had done. His mother had brought him to Nibelheim for what she said was a 'fresh start.' She never did tell him where it was that they'd come from and why. He hoped it wasn't because she had to run from someone like Rand…

"You can help," he told the man who shook his head once more as he smiled like the idea was absurd. "Rand," Cloud said his name softly, solemnly. "I need you to let Koda go," he said when the man met his eyes again. The smile faded from his face quickly and although his arms were still crossed, his body appearing guarded, something in his stance changed. He seemed…vulnerable, like he had the night before when they sat next to each other on his bed.

"Please do this for me," Cloud uttered quietly. "I'm here now, and I am seriously going to try to work through shit with you. You can't keep me by keeping him," he told him, thinking back on what the man said outside the other day.

He knew Rand was worried that the only way he would stay and not fight to leave was if he had Koda to use to keep him there. He needed to convince him it wasn't true. That he wouldn't attempt to flee and leave him if he did the right thing and let Koda go. There was a long moment when the man just stared back at him. Cloud felt suddenly a tear breaking away from his right eye, rolling onto his cheek. He wiped it away slowly before it could travel too far.

"What if you're wrong about Annalena actually loving and raising him like you think she will?" Rand asked him then.

"I'm not wrong," Cloud stated surely. "Maybe one day, when it's right and when it's safe I'll look for him and see if he wants anything to do with me. But I know this is what he needs right now. It's the best thing for everyone. Us included."

Rand sighed then. He dropped his arms and looked at him critically but with the acceptance that Cloud had desperately been looking for from him.

"This is really what you want?" his former Keeper asked and he nodded.

"Yes."

"Okay," Rand said. "He'll go back to Annalena."

There were no words to fully describe the feeling that rushed through Cloud at hearing him say that. It was relief. It was gratitude. It was hope. He didn't think about himself at all or what he was essentially trading, at least for the moment, which was himself for Koda. To Rand that's what it was, he knew that. It felt like a win. They were each gaining something and Rand had added satisfaction of giving him something he wanted or needed. Cloud had to tell himself to stay vigilant though. Koda wasn't free yet.

"How soon can you make it happen?" he asked.

Rand shook his head a little. "I don't know. I need to get in touch with her."

"I want to see it happen," Cloud told him firmly.

"See what happen?"

"I want to see him getting handed back to her," he clarified.

"That's not possible," Rand said. "I can't have them here—"

"It could be anywhere," Cloud stopped him. "The side of the road, I don't care, I just want to see it." He wasn't willing to budge on that. Rand rolled his eyes then, smirking knowingly once more, like he'd caught him trying to get away with something.

"You don't believe I'd follow through," he noted aloud as if it were clear fact.

It was, but Cloud couldn't have him thinking that.

"That's not it," he argued. "It's for me, for my mind, so that I don't have to imagine it any other way."

The man studied his expression carefully. It was a tense few moments as Cloud forced himself to keep his eyes locked on his and not appear demanding in a way that would be off-putting. Finally, there came a subtle sigh from him. A sweet and sure sign of surrender before the words that confirmed as much.

"Okay. I'll make the arrangements."