Chapter 748: Beaulieu Manor
Thursday, March 23rd, Evening
It was a typical Thursday afternoon, Friday Eve, as some would call it. After a typical day at school, she arrived home at the virtual palace that was Beaulieu Manor, then climbed the stairs and walked the galleries to her bedroom. Once there, she threw her backpack onto the bed and changed into yoga pants and a muscle shirt. She looked at her backpack and wondered if she should start her homework or do something else. Maybe she'll listen to some music while she lays on her bed.
These were usual thoughts Sawyer had been having over the last few weeks. Now she lay on her bed and looked at the fancy ceiling with faux exposed wood beams. Maybe music was in order.
A knock on the door broke her train of thought.
Lucas stood in the doorway with a conflicted look, "Hey. I'd like to talk if that's okay," he said.
"Hi, Dad," Sawyer said, not moving from her spot on the bed.
"May I come in?" he smiled softly.
"Go ahead," Sawyer said.
He sat next to her on the bed, "You know. I didn't want to hear any of that, so I put my teacher's face on that day," he mused, "But, I've had a lot of time to think about what you said to me in the office."
"Which was?" Sawyer asked, unblinking.
"Kid, you called me to the carpet. You reminded me that I'm not the only one who's scared out of my mind," his voice is meek, "I felt guilty when your results came in, and now that I'm facing this harsh reality, I've been trying to shield you. You, of all people, don't need shielding from this. You're the one who understands the fear, the world-altering, life-changing fear that this terrible illness strikes into someone. But I protected you, or tried to, out of love. It wasn't fair..." Lucas said, trailing off, "Daddy's scared too," he whispered, "So petrified..."
"Yeah, you're forgotten," Sawyer said, half-assed
Lucas laughed, "I love you, ya know," he said.
"I know," Sawyer said.
He just lied there, taking it all in.
"So, was that all you wanted to talk about?" Sawyer asked.
"It was the most important thing," Lucas said, smiling, "What are you up to?"
"Laying here, trying to figure out what music I wanted to listen to," Sawyer said.
Lucas grinned, "You really are hers. But Mom was right about one thing: We all have that one thing that comforts us. Hers was music," he said.
"Yeah," Sawyer said.
"What's yours?" he asked.
"Silence and darkness," Sawyer said.
He just lies there with her, understanding. Sawyer snorted and looked over to the window.
"What?" he asked, trying to hold back his laughter.
"Nothing, Dad," Sawyer said.
"I mean, I'm willing to listen," he said.
"Here what?" Sawyer asked.
"I'm not going to force you to talk to me; I just wanted to remind you that I'm here to listen if you need me to," he smiled again.
"Why?" Sawyer asked.
"Because I'm your father, and I love you," he stated simply.
Sawyer snorted, "You have to because you made me," she said.
"I'd still think you're a remarkable person even if I wasn't your father," he said, smiling wider.
"You're the only one," Sawyer said.
"Nah! That can't be true," he said, shaking his head.
"Well, maybe love from your dad is different than it is with all the others," he grinned, "But I know for a fact I'm not the only one who thinks that," Lucas said.
"MMM, nope," Sawyer said.
"Feel your feelings," he nodded, "But I know the truth," Lucas said.
"Obligation, Dad," Sawyer said.
"Your perspective, my dear," he countered.
"Isn't that the only perspective that matters?" Sawyer asked.
"At times, yes. But it's certainly not the only one that exists," he said.
"But do they matter to my life?" Sawyer asked.
"They could provide balance," he pointed out.
"Does it matter?" Sawyer asked.
"I certainly believe balance in life matters," he said, nodding.
"Right," Sawyer said, sighed, and rolled her eyes.
"Just remember," Lucas said, "I'm here if you need me." He gently kisses her cheek and leaves.
"I have many things to say, but no one wants to listen," Sawyer said.
He turned back, "I do," Lucas said.
"Have you ever just felt invisible?" Sawyer asked.
He leaned on the door frame, "Yeah, I have," Lucas said.
"Have you ever lost everything?" Sawyer asked.
Lucas exhaled, "That's- that's such a loaded question," he nodded in reply.
"All I have left is Keni," Sawyer said.
He looked at her, "Oh, Sawyer, I'm so sorry," Lucas took her in, "I've been so lost in my own issues," he said.
"As I said, it doesn't matter," Sawyer said, "What did Mom always say?"
He sighed, "People Always Leave," Lucas said.
"She's right, Dad, she was right," Sawyer said.
"This is about Gareth, isn't it?" Lucas asked.
"What about Gareth?" Sawyer asked.
"Your last statement was about him, wasn't it?" Lucas asked.
"It was about a lot of people," Sawyer said.
He nodded, "It's hard, like every loss you have to deal with takes another piece of your soul," Lucas said.
"It feels like more than a piece was ripped out," Sawyer said.
"Yeah, I know," Lucas thought of Peyton in that moment as he often did.
"Gareth was my best friend," Sawyer said.
"I know," Lucas whispered, "It's weird not having him around because I'm so used to him being around."
"He just walked away, eleven years, and he walked away," Sawyer said.
He wanted to hug her so badly.
"Also, why are boys such asses?" Sawyer asked.
"There's a reason girls mature faster," Lucas shrugged, "We males can be stubborn and thickheaded," he frowned, then he gasped in realization and shook his head.
"But why do boys use girls?" Sawyer asked, "Dad, you didn't do that?"
"I'm no saint; I was a teenager, too," he admitted.
"So if I did, it was because I had a decision to make and was too stubborn to make it at the time. I'm just lucky your mom forgave me. Given who the other person was, I'm humbled," Lucas said.
"Have you just hit it and quit it?" Sawyer asked.
"Uh, I don't remember," he shrugged.
"Yeah, whatever," Sawyer said, rolling onto her side, her back to Lucas.
"Hey now," he sighed, "You can't just shut me out. What happened? Who do your uncle and I need to plan a burial for?" he said, half joking.
"No one," Sawyer said, "It's not that important."
He raised a brow, nodding. He'd figure it out without Sawyer saying anything.
"You're too old to bury someone," Sawyer said.
"Keith isn't," he smirked, "He'd gladly help us."
"Keith's not here," Sawyer said, "He left."
"Hey, he had to work, Sawyer, you know that, and besides, he always comes back," Lucas whispered.
"He left," Sawyer said, "Kay left, Ellie left, and Candi left."
"But no one stays gone forever, kiddo," he whispered again.
"Yes, they do," Sawyer said, "Keni's dad didn't come back."
"If only we could bring them all back," he sighed, "It hurt me too, losing Baldwin. He wasn't just the man who believed in me; he believed in everyone," Lucas looked off into the distance. "He meant a lot to a lot of people."
"Ugh! People leave, and they rip out part of you when they leave," Sawyer said, "Until there's nothing left."
"I hear you, loud and clear; believe me, I do," he said, sitting beside her again.
"I feel stretched thin, and there is almost nothing left," Sawyer said.
"Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked.
"Let me fade away," Sawyer said.
"Forget about me; you know your mom wouldn't let that happen, especially because I'd miss you too much," he whispered.
"I was the accident, the afterthought," Sawyer said.
"It may feel that way right now. But I do love you with all my heart," Lucas said.
"Let me fade away, Dad, be with your undamaged children," Sawyer said.
"I'm here," he kissed her on the cheek, stopping in the doorway before walking away. He wandered through Beaulieu, trying to get that exchange out of his head. Should he talk to Brooke? He had no idea.
Sawyer looked around, and tears ran down her cheeks. She remembered a line from an old song, I focus on the pain. The only thing that's real; echoed in her head. Sawyer curled up in the fetal position and wetted her mouth.
Lucas shook his head; it all felt so unsettling. Seeing his daughter hurting like that, he felt so damn helpless. He finds a source to make a cup of coffee, and when it's done, he fixes it up and sits there, lost in thought.