Alex felt like she was crawling out of her skin by the third night in Seattle, and she knew that JJ was feeling the same way. They had hesitantly patched things up during the first night, and that was when she found out about the miscarriage JJ had had two years ago. She commiserated with her, telling her that she had experienced that loss as well, and it felt right to bond with her in that small way, especially since Alex could trust her not to say anything to anyone else. But as this case dragged on, it seemed like she wasn't going to receive that call she wanted.
Flopping over onto her side, she could see that JJ was out like a light, and she found herself jealous over the fact that she could so easily sleep. Letting out a small huff of breath, Alex turned onto her back once more and stared at the ceiling, feeling like she was close to tears. And then, at the stroke of midnight, her phone rumbled on the nightstand, and she picked it up with relief, accepting the call as she slipped from the bed and grabbed her robe. "Give me a few moments to get outside," she whispered as she shoved her feet into her flats and went over to the patio door, opening it was quietly as she could before closing it behind her and sinking down into a chair. "I am so glad that you called."
"Is it that bad?" her caller asked, and Alex nodded as she allowed a few tears to roll down her cheeks, knowing that no one could see her break down like that. "All right, tell me about it."
"I don't want to give you nightmares."
"I think that I can handle a few nightmares, if it gets this off your chest and allows you to rest easy. I can hear in your voice that you are exhausted. So please, go ahead and tell me everything that is on your mind. You'll feel all the better for it."
Alex nodded as she wrapped her robe around her lap, her feet curled up beneath her as she stared out at the night sky. "Everything started off awkwardly when I stepped into Agent Jareau's feelings by accidentally asking an insensitive question about whether or not she wants more children. I didn't realise that she also had lost a much wanted pregnancy, and I don't like to consider the fact that we're in the same group."
"It's a larger group than a lot of women realise, Alex."
"Oh."
"Yes. Well, I don't talk about it often, since it happened fifteen years ago, when everything in my life was going to hell, and it was another loss on top of everything else I was losing. But we're not discussing my issues, we're talking about you and why you feel so lost."
Alex filed away that piece of information about her caller, so that she wouldn't accidentally hurt her in the future with careless words. "It surprises me how clearly you can see things. So, after a long flight, where my supervisor decided to call me out on my distractedness, and I had to fight back embarrassment for three hours, we landed in Seattle, and I've felt like I haven't had a chance to breathe properly in three days. And this is going to sound so sad, but I was hoping that you would call sooner, so that I could start the case off on a little better note than I have. I feel like I'm behind the curve, that I'm pulling the others down, and I am not about to admit that to Hotch, because he already thinks that I'm just a flighty woman who's missing her husband. And that is the last impression that I want to give off, because I have to prove myself."
"To whom?"
The question caught her off guard, and Alex took a deep breath before swiping her free thumb beneath her eyes to flick away her tears. "To everyone, but most of all, Erin." Alex's voice broke on her name, and she swallowed thickly as she struggled to get control of her emotions once more, knowing that everything was coming to a head for her. This case, with the brutal murders, was getting beneath her skin so quickly, and she knew that she was about to breakdown completely. "I keep thinking that I'm back with the BAU just to prove to myself that I'm a good profiler, that the mistake I made with the Amerithrax case was just a blip on the radar. But seeing her in the bullpen, seeing the way she looked at me, I realized that I was fooling myself. I hate her, but I don't hate her. How does that even make sense? And it doesn't help that these victims look like her, or rather, the her that she was fifteen years ago. So everything feels off kilter, and I am trying to keep everything locked down, and I think I'm coming apart at the seams."
The torrent of words felt so right to release, even if it was the most she'd said to anyone in years. Not even her father had gotten this much out of her, and after James, he was the closest to her. The brief pause seemed too long to Alex's ears, and she felt a panic attack start in her chest, her breathing becoming more and more labored as she waited on the woman to answer. "I am so sorry that you're struggling like this, Alex. Before we talk about what you just told me, I think that you need to do something for me."
"What?" she gasped out.
"Set the phone down, stand up, raise your hands in the air, and take five deep breaths while counting to fifteen each time."
Frowning a little, Alex did as asked, letting the robe fall to the ground as she followed the directive. By the time she reached the fifth breath, she was feeling immensely better, and then she was curling up in the chair again, spreading the robe out on her lap as she picked the phone back up. "All right, I'm back."
"And you feel better, I can hear it in your voice. Now, this Erin, she's a former friend, I take it?"
"Friend, lover, colleague, boss. We were messy in a way that I never want to be messy ever again. That was why I locked everything down, my feelings, my words, everything. Because if I stay closed off from people, well, then I won't get hurt again. And I can see that I was completely wrong by coming back to the BAU, but I'm not going to admit that to her, or to anyone else. I can't afford to be seen as weak, simpering, and I know that she would just follow after me to ensure that I was all right, which is something that I don't want, either. I'm now stuck between that proverbial rock and hard place that everyone speaks of, and I don't know if I can find a way out that will ensure I have my heart whole in the end."
"All our hearts are made to be broken; we just have to find the people who can heal them in a way that makes them stronger in the end. You have your husband, which is great, but other than me, do you have anyone that you can talk to in depth? Sometimes, you need to have that face to face contact, to be able to reach out and touch a friend's hand as you pour out your feelings to them."
"It has been so long since I've had that sort of relationship with others. I have colleagues, yes, and maybe in time, Agent Jareau can become something akin to a friend, but for the moment, it's just James and you. And I don't even have a name to call you. You're just my midnight caller, James's friend, and my little secret, since JJ assumes that I've been talking to my husband at midnight, for me."
"You can call me Louise."
The quick answer took her aback, and she drew in a sharp breath, trying to place why that name, coming from a voice that sounded vaguely familiar, would set her off kilter. "Louise, eh. I might just shorten that to Lou."
"And you're deflecting now, Alex."
She let out a watery chuckle as she nodded. "I am, yes. It is very easy for me to do that, since I have used that to protect my feelings for a long time now. How do I get control of these feelings once more? I need to be cool, calm, and collected as we try to bring this unsub to justice. And it doesn't help that I am also worried about meeting Garcia and Morgan when we get back to Quantico. I'm assuming that we'll arrive after them, since we just can't catch a break with this bastard. And I don't want to lose another woman to his viciousness."
"You will take a deep breath, focus on bringing the unsub to justice. It won't be easy, but I know that you have the strength of character to push aside your wavering emotions and lead with your mind. And if you need to, you can probably talk to Agent Jareau about how things are going with this case. I wish that I could call you every night, but we would both soon be too exhausted to be any good at our jobs, and I think that your unit chief would not be happy with that outcome."
"You would be right. He throws his everything into these cases, and yet still has the time to be gentle with his child. I overheard a call that I don't think I was supposed to, and…well, it makes me miss my Ethan. Even if no one knows about him. I want to keep it that way, since I don't feel up to pity from the team, if that makes sense."
"It does, because sometimes you want to hold on to the memories of someone so tightly that letting anyone else in would mean diluting those memories. But if you ever do want to talk about him, my ear will be open. That's why I started calling, to let you know that you're not alone. Now, I hate to cut our discussion brief this evening, but I feel like I'm going to fall asleep on you at any moment. You have to be exhausted, too."
"I am, but I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep right away. Can I ask something of you, Louise?"
"Of course."
"If I bring this conversation back into the hotel room, would you just stay on the line with me until I fall asleep? James is usually the one that I have do that with me, but I have had friends in the past who would just be there on the other end of the line. It's a childish request, I know, but it's something that I think I need tonight."
"I can do that, yes. Though I have the feeling that I'll be asleep first."
"You might just be right," she replied as she got to her feet and folded her robe over her arm as she made her way inside, taking care to lock the door before padding over to her bed and dropping down onto the mattress. "Louise?"
"Yes, Alex?"
"I just wanted to thank you for reaching out to me, even though you don't know me. It means quite a bit to me that you would throw your schedule off to keep things like they would be with James."
"You are more than welcome, Alex." There was something about that phrasing that felt familiar to Alex, but her brain was so fuzzy from exhaustion that she couldn't focus on that thought, allowing it to slip back into the darkness of her brain as she pulled the covers up around her breasts before plugging her phone into the charger and settling down into the mattress as she brought the phone to her ear once more. "Are you comfortable now?"
"I am."
"Good. Now go to sleep. We'll be here for each other through the night." The comfort in those words filled Alex's chest with a feeling of warmth that she knew would help her to fall all the more quickly to sleep, and she closed her eyes as Louise began to hum a light melody, her exhaustion soon dragging her down into the sweet blackness of sleep.