"If you have something to offer the team, Alex, spit it out. It's better than having you sit there with that look on your face."
She frowned a little deeper as she looked up from her tablet into Hotch's eyes, seeing that he was giving her an almost disappointed look, and she shrugged a little before motioning for him to continue with what he was saying as she turned her attention back to the tablet. There was something about this case that was bothering her, but she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. And there was the fact that Erin had gone from trying to be in her personal bubble whenever possible to actively avoiding her at work, to the point where she would turn on her heel and walk in the opposite direction if she saw Alex in the hallway, along with her inability to talk with Louise, since the woman hadn't called back to talk to her since their disastrous disagreement, that added up to everything in her life just irritating her and she wanted to sink into the depths of academia once more, preferably for an entire semester.
"I don't have a look on my face," she finally snapped, giving him a small glare before turning her attention back to her tablet, trying to ignore the small whispers that started up between JJ and Reid. She knew that she probably should have taken a moment to think about her retort, but she had been so annoyed by his response that she had spoken before thinking.
"Reid, JJ, Morgan, why don't you join Rossi out there in talking with Lieutenant?"
There was a small shuffle of feet and papers before the others left the room, and Alex flinched a little as the door closed firmly behind Morgan. She should have expected to receive a quick drubbing from Hotch, but it was still a bit of a surprise. Still, she did the childish thing and kept her face buried in her tablet as he took a seat next to her, and a heavy silence fell over the room as they each waited for the other to speak the first word.
"All right, I don't like this part of my job, but there is something bothering you, and it is affecting the dynamic of the team. Do I need to send you home, or can we talk about it for a moment to get it out of your system? I know that you're a private person, like myself, but there comes a time when we have to use our words. Usually, I call Dave, since he's my closest friend. I don't know you well enough to know if you have someone like that in your life, but…"
"I made her mad." Her words came out in a harsh whisper, and she tried not to flinch when he rested his hand atop hers. "We were having a discussion the other night, about some concerns that I have with Erin and her relationship with Rossi, and I think that I said something to hurt my friend, since she hung up on me, and I can't get in touch with her."
"You don't have her phone number?" he asked as he squeezed her hand a little.
"You'll laugh at my naiveté, but we've never shared anything more personal than our names. James told one of his friends to continue our tradition of midnight calls when I came back to the BAU, since he knew that our timing would be so far out of sync that we couldn't easily do that. And she's always called me from a private number."
Hotch's thumb tapped rapidly against her hand, causing Alex to look up into his face. He was giving her a sympathetic, though concerned, look and she took a deep breath as she shrugged a little. "Why would you answer a private number in the first place?"
"I assumed that it was James, that first call. He often calls from private numbers when he's on assignment with MSF, since he's in situations that are less than safe. And it was nice to have an anonymous voice to talk at, since it's easier to say certain things to someone who doesn't know the situation. But as the weeks have gone by, I've gotten the feeling that I might know Louise outside of our phone relationship."
He nodded a little as he squeezed her hand once more. "And you're missing her now, because she hasn't called in a few days?"
"More like a week. I just want to apologize to her and try to figure out where everything went wrong. I know, you don't have to say it, I've let my personal life bleed into the case, and I'll try to do better. I just feel a little off kilter still, since everything is so new."
Hotch gave her a small smile before patting her hand softly. "I understand that, Alex. Just, try to be a little more open with us, or at least JJ. She's mentioned off hand that she likes you."
"And I enjoy her company, as well." She returned the smile before straightening her shoulders and taking a deep breath. "Is this your version of a come to Jesus talk?"
He chuckled as he ruffled his hair a little before nodding. "I don't like yelling. It occurred far too often in my house when I was growing up for me to be comfortable with it, and I learned that sometimes being disappointed with someone can lead to positive results far more quickly than being angry."
Alex filed that piece of information away in her brain for future reference as she nodded. "All right, I'll try to do better. I promise."
"Just act a little bit engaged and focus on the task at hand. And maybe this Louise will call this evening, and you can start to build your friendship back again." Before he rose to his feet, Hotch reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder, patting it a few times before leaving the room to gather the others. While he was gone, Alex composed herself and took a few deep breaths, taking Hotch's advice to get her house in order before the others returned and they focused on hunting down this unsub and finding the missing family before anything bad happened to them.
By the end of the day, she was in a much better headspace, though they returned to the hotel much too close to midnight for her liking, just in case Louise happened to call. "You are wound tighter than drum, Alex," JJ said as she unlocked the door and let them inside their room.
"Yes, well, I was hoping that I'd get a call from Louise tonight, but we're so close to the appointed hour that I just feel tense." She drifted over to her bed and sagged down onto it, burying her face in one hand as she took a deep breath and tried to resign herself to the fact that she probably would not be hearing from Louise that evening. In the quiet that fell over the room, she heard the quiet sounds of JJ changing into her pyjamas before she went into the bathroom to take care of her evening needs.
Once Alex was alone, she took off her boots and peeled off her socks, taking care of them before pulling out her nightwear and hurriedly changing, not knowing when JJ might return. After smoothing the shirt down her torso, Alex tugged the hairband out of her ponytail and shook her head before running a brush through her hair and then climbing into bed as she plugged her phone into the charger and stretched out, trying to relax enough to fall into sleep. She had almost gotten to that point when her phone jangled, and she sat up with a start to hear it.
"Looks like you're going to get that call after all, and at midnight right on the nose."
"Yeah," she breathed out as she picked up pillow and blanket, making her way over to the balcony. She fumbled with the phone as she answered it and opened the door, letting herself out onto the balcony. "Hello? Louise?"
"Well, it's not the Queen of Sheba," the woman responded archly, and Alex chuckled as she took a seat on the chair provided, curling up with the blanket close around her as she stared up into the night sky. "I'm sorry that it's been so long since I called. I just needed a little bit of space to cool off before we spoke again. And perhaps it would have been better if I had called, to talk this out before it became too large a stumbling block, but my feelings were hurt and I didn't want to hurt you in return."
Louise took a deep breath, which allowed Alex to have a way into the conversation. "I'm glad that you did call. I, I didn't quite realise just how much I've come to look forward to talking with you until things were quiet. I'm sorry, I should have been a little more circumspect with my words, as it is clear that something I said dug a knife into a wound in your heart."
"Yes, unwittingly you did. In the past, I would have laid into you, reacting with anger, but I've been learning to control my feelings over the last year, so I thought that I would try to take time to work through my feelings before I took them out on another person. It seems I can't win for losing."
"You're calling now, and that's all that matters. Hotch gave me his little 'I'm so disappointed in you' speech today, because I couldn't concentrate, and there's a family that's counting on us to find them. And we have to find them, I don't want to think about another entire family being annihilated at the hands of a sadistic unsub."
"Family annihilators are the worst, and they're so rare."
Alex frowned a little at those words, wondering just how Louise would know that little bit of information. And Hotch was right, she did need to know more about the woman she was conversing with, and why she felt so familiar to Alex. "That's right, they are. I'm surprised that someone outside the BAU would know that, though, since they're splashed across the media every time it happens, which makes it sound like it's more common than it is."
"There are just some things that a person know," Louise answered quickly, which caused Alex to frown. Again, there was that achingly familiar aspect to the woman's voice, but she didn't want to push things too far in that moment, not when she had this chance to talk to Louise and get her feeling out in the open. "Do you think that you'll be there much longer?"
"I hope not. I don't like this place, it's too close to home, and I know that Scotty will be angry that I didn't at least call him or Dad to let them know that I was around. Not that I would have time to take a break and meet them for lunch and catching up."
"But they still would like a call, even if it's just you saying that you were thinking of them. They're your family, after all."
"And they're damn hard to talk to. Mom understood that the written word was always easier for me, that I preferred to think and write out what I had to say so that I didn't make any hasty decisions. Except, when it comes to you, that doesn't seem to be the case. My mouth is always running with just the slightest prodding from you. And that unnerves me because the last person that I shared such an easy connection with is also the woman who betrayed me so deeply."
"You can't compare every person in your life to the Erin of your past."
"I know, and I also know that you're going to tell me to give her a second chance, since people can change in the space of a few years, but I still don't feel ready to give up this hurt and anger. I, I don't think I'd know who I am without them."
"And that is understandable, but you can also create a new person without this anger, too. Perhaps, in time, you can start to build a new version of yourself that leaves that all behind?"
"Maybe. I'll think about it."
"That's all anyone can ask, Alex. Now, tell me about your day after Aaron got after you."
Alex nodded as she settled in for their chat, and she felt the lingering tension start to bleed from her body as she spoke with her friend.