Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

Lunch Hour Rush

A long, iridescent limousine hit a small bump as it passed through the tunnel that led from Gluttony into Pride. The driver murmured an apology for the rough shift, but was ignored by the two seated in the back. A rank of 'nervous' 'scared' 'Mortal Fear' started to fill the cabin before the Prince of Gluttony held a hand up to alleviate the driver. Another was used to promptly close the window between driver and passengers, all while her eyes remained locked on the individual across from her.

Daemonic Prince Bee-Lzebub was not someone easy to fool. She could smell the emotions and feelings of any and all of Creation's forms of life. It didn't matter if the individual was Hellborn, one of Lucifer's loathed Sinner soldiers, or an Angel from Heaven itself. Unofficially, she was the master of beasts in Lucifer's Legion, but in official 'decrees' from her 'superior', Bee sniffed out those that threatened their domain through subterfuge. Regardless of if she was just coming down off a bender or in the midst of one, she would find those that tested Hell's rulers and show them why they were not to be trifled with.

"Is there a fucking reason that you keep staring at me?" Naruto asked from his seat, eyes closed and arms crossed.

Bee hummed and gave him another once-over. Rather than his typical 'rolled out of bed and couldn't be fucking bothered to change' attire, he wore something more professional. Darker, fitted pants that had white tape wound around his right thigh, and a navy blue shirt rested beneath a high-collared vest that had many pouches and pockets visible on it. She'd only seen him pull the vest out once before, when they'd been required to attend a gathering at Lucifer's manor with the other Sins some years ago. The biggest difference was the addition of a strip of blue cloth tied around his head, a stitched version of their House's Seal set in the center of it in bright gold.

"Just trying to figure out why you smell so...not-you." She admitted, her eyes narrowed slightly.

A week prior, when he returned from Pride with bittersweet 'vibes' and an unfamiliar Hellborn hanging off of his slightly altered scent, she had asked about his absence. It wasn't like her Baby Bro to stay out overnight, and while Bee was ...fine with him being out of her Ring, she would've liked a head's up. His mention of a 'friend's birthday' was honest, as was the supposed desire for it to be a low-key celebration, but something about the story was a lie. He wouldn't have 'disappointment' 'loneliness' and 'resignation' woven in his scent if it wasn't.

"I did try this new body wash–It's blurpleberry flavored."

"That's not what I meant, Baby Bro." Quick as a whip, she was beside him, snout pressed at the base of his ear. She scented, deep, loud and purposefully. Aha! Something did happen. "Why so nervous? I'm just giving you a quick Vibe Check. I do it all the time."

"No, you don't. You only do it when you think I did something." Aw, her Baby Bro could be a clever little shit sometimes. She always felt so proud whenever he called her out on something, like she'd proven she raised him into a proper Hellborn. The growl that emanated from him convinced her to back up; she didn't want to start a fight in Pride, Lucifer would flip one of his oversized shits if they did that in spitting distance of Charlie. "I'm nervous because we're about to meet a client and I do not want them to get the wrong idea about our relationship, Sis."

Uh-oh, he called her 'Sis'. He really was nervous...Or, wait. Bee leaned in and scented again, which made Naruto snarl, put a clawed hand on her face and push her back. Red eyes met with blue.

"You're not nervous!" She tilted her head and her true form became more apparent. No way. "You're excited! The fuck?! You're eager to meet with Stella?! Ice Princess of the Goetia? What, did you fuck her as a fling or something last week?"

That would certainly explain the unfamiliar scent of insecure Hellborn that had been clinging to him when he came home. Sure, there was a lack of 'satisfaction' and 'Lust' that typically followed those who fucked recently...Which meant he probably didn't fuck her. She pulled back on her slowly unreleasing power while her Baby Bro gave her a flat stare.

"Wow, fucking thanks for thinking so poorly of my taste in women."

"Well, shit, I'm not excited about this simply because it's her! Why are you excited?!"

"Because I might get to actually fucking do something for once!" Naruto snapped with a flash of white in his eyes. Bee jerked back and then hissed at him.

"Hey, fuck you, you ungrateful little bastard! I have you do things all the fucking time!"

"Yeah! Cleaning! Cleaning is fucking boring!" Naruto growled. Well, duh, that's why Bee had him do it. He rubbed his temples. "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are that I'm excited to get a job with the fucking Goetia. If it weren't for the fact that Octavia is only a fucking name in the family, and doesn't have the reputation either of her fucked up parents do, I wouldn't have agreed to it."

"Yeah, and what would you do instead? Fucking DevilDash for the rest of your life?"

"Shit, maybe." Bee squawked and he arched an eyebrow. "What? Did you see how much I made with one fucking order in Imp City?"

Bee would never admit it, but she hated that he made a good point; DevilDash was stupidly lucrative. She wasn't surprised Mammon didn't have his hand in that pot, he was always the last of the Sins to have a decent, original idea, let alone a good one. While she struggled to find another topic to focus on, their driver spoke over the P.A. to announce their arrival to the Goetia Prince's manor.

Oh, great. Bee's favorite past-time, playing 'Daemonic Prince' to a bunch of boring-ass aristocrats. She flopped back in her seat and huffed, all four arms crossed. felt her Baby Bro's eyes on her before she smelled the amused vibe in the air. She eyed him and he smirked at her.

"I think I know what this is about." No, he fucking doesn't. Go back to being excited for your job. "Aw, Sis...Are you gonna miss me?"

"Pfft, fuck no." Oof, and the Worst Lie Award goes to Bee. What can she say, her Baby Bro was a gas to have around and always made her days between parties a little more bearable. Not to mention his stupidly broken clone magic that she couldn't fucking figure out was amazing for clean up purposes.

"Aww! I'm only going to be gone for a week and you're going to miss me this much?!" Dammit, no! What is–Hey! Bad, Baby Bro! Let go, dipshit! Bee was the one who did uncomfortably tight hugs in this House! This was identity infringement! "Big Sis, I feel so loved, y'know!"

Mmm-wuah!

Di-Did he just kiss Bee on the ch–?! ...Well then. There was no time to embrace the happy squirms she wanted to partake in – her Baby Bro was so fucking rare with genuine affection and the 'vibes' that came with that act were so sweetly pure it made her teeth ache – because clearly this cheeky little shit of a Foxfiend needed another humbling! And, as was her duty as the elder sister, she was more than happy to oblige! She twisted in her Baby Bro's grip and started mercilessly scratching the sweet spot at the base of his jaw.

In seconds, she reversed the situation and had her adorably stupid Baby Bro's head on her lap again.

"No! Fuck! Stop!"

"Say 'uncle', Baby Bro!"

"Never!"

"Then suffer!" Bee smirked and scratched a third sweet spot that started his tail's so adorably rapid wriggling.

Yeah, she was going to miss the little shit...Maybe she could borrow Tex for another night if she gave Verosika a gig.

Within a dark room of a Goetia Manor, a young heiress to the Goetia line sat on a bed with buds in her ears. A book of stars and planets rested against her hip while a notebook was in her lap. As she moved a pencil across the page, Octavia nodded her head to the beat of the fresh new release of one of her favorite bands to drown out yet another fucking screaming match between her parents.

"...down around me / My deep despair is what–"

Suddenly the music was gone, a sharp pain in her ear and–Oh, hi Mom.

Wait, Mom? Did she barge into her room?! ...Yep, the door was busted. Well, fuck.

"Octavia, I have been calling your name for the past thirty fucking minutes! Why aren't you fucking dressed?!"

"Mom, what the fu–?!" Her arm was grabbed and she was hauled from the bed to her feet. Fucking bitch, go yell at Dad! Octavia clearly wasn't part of it and she didn't want to fucking be part of the family drama!

"I told you there was an important family meeting today! Ugh, why are you wearing those rags! What is the fuck is this shit on your bed–Unholy fuck, your feathers have pencil shavings in them! Octavia, I fucking know I raised you better than this!"

"Fuck, Mom, let go! And stop fucking screaming at me!" Octavia wrenched her arm out of her mother's grasp and stepped away from her mother. Her eyes narrowed as she rubbed her arm. "Fucking shit! I'm not Dad! Don't come into my fucking room and scream at me just 'cause you're pissed at him!"

The comment seemed to only incense Mom further, if the way her plumage fluffed were any indication, but even though her feathers were ruffled, she took a deep breath and they settled. Octavia watched her as she approached and she was gathered into a loose, distant hug. Her chest ached for the real hugs, before Dad fucked that stupid little Imp, before she wondered if Mom only used her birth as a means to an end.

"You're right. You're right. I'm sorry, Octavia." Fuck, if only Octavia could believe that. The saccharine words her mother let fall out of her beak were too good to be true. Her head was tilted up and she looked into Mom's eyes. There was a softness to them in the center, but there was an evident fire in the harsh crimson around them. Surprisingly gentle claws brushed over her face, at the crescents around her eyes. "I am sorry, darling. You need to make yourself presentable, none of this...teenage angst filth. We have a very important guest at the gates and all of us need to be present."

"...Does that include Dad?" Octavia furrowed her brow. Most 'important' guests Mom had over weren't invited to meet with Dad, because frankly, she had them over to talk shit on him. Even her cousins and uncles, who normally did whatever they could to suck up to Dad for his place as Grandfather's heir-apparent, would opt to sit and drink tea while they shit on Dad.

Mom's smile tightened and the edge in her eyes became more apparent as they started to glow before her eyes closed. She took another deep breath and her claws flexed on Octavia's face.

"Yes, darling, your father will be present, too."

Oh. Oh fuck. This was serious.

"Is...Is Grandfather here?" Mom shook her head. She pushed Octavia's hat back, leaned down and nuzzled her beak against the crown of Octavia's head. She pulled back and rested her hands on Octavia's shoulders as their gazes locked again.

"Please, Octavia, just listen to me this once. Clean yourself up and be down as soon as you can, if not sooner." Mom sighed and stepped back. She began to pluck stray shavings from her dress and turned to leave. "I must go join your Father at the gate before he fucks this up. I can spare you at most ten minutes, but no more. Understood?"

Octavia didn't even get a chance to answer before her mother stepped out over the broken door. An Imp servant rushed after her, holding various cleaning utensils in their poor hands. ...Octavia should really learn their name sometime. Another poked their head around the doorway.

"U-Um, M-Miss, er, Madam? W-Would you like some assistance preparing?" They asked. Normally, Octavia wouldn't let the little gremlins in her room – one of the servants got busted taking a stuffed jackalope of hers a year or so back, and with the whole thing that her Father has going on, she never really held trust for Imps after that – but, if this visitor was as important as her mother implied, it might be for the best.

"Yeah, fucking whatever." Octavia sighed and the Imp went over to the vanity to prepare some of the makeup that she used whenever she had to dress proper like a member of the Goetia. She took her beloved knit cap off and tossed it to her bed. She pulled her Hellphone out of her pocket to play something–Fucking pop ups.

"Of course there's a fucking update for Sinstagram. Yes, update. Christ." She grumbled and stared at the progress bar that slowly ticked by.

"Miss? We really should get started on this if you're to be ready. Your plumage needs–"

"Fucking, fine." Octavia huffed, setting her phone atop her hat. She shucked her cardigan and kicked her boots off before she sat at the vanity. "Let's get this fucking over with."

Naruto stepped out of the limo with a small glare aimed over his shoulder at his grinning 'Sister'. He raked his claws over the disrupted spots of fur on his jaw and then pulled them through his scalp's thicker mane as some of the weird Prideful static in the air dislodged it from where he'd tamed it. He wished he had Bee's oscillating, lava-like locks, but no, he has fucking golden straw growing out of his scalp in a barely manageable mess.

Once that was done, Naruto stepped aside and held his hand to the other occupant of the limo with a resigned sigh. One of Bee's hands grabbed his, another grabbed his wrist just below it, and the other two grabbed parts of the door to hoist herself out and stretch her wings.

"Fu-u-u-uck, I hate long car rides!" She complained as she hovered down beside him and stretched.

"But it beats the paperwork you have to get Lucifer to approve so you can pop up here whenever." Naruto pointed out with a smirk as he crossed his arms. Bee froze mid-stretch and glared at him out of the corner of her eyes.

"When and how?"

"A few years back, and clones. Duh."

"...That's fucking cheating."

"Edict of Pride, sect. Two, proverbial A: If you're not cheating, you're not trying." Naruto teased. Bee growled at him before she stopped and her eye twitched.

"Wait a fucking second, could you have used the House Seal to get us here if I asked?"

"Yes." Naruto smirked at his petty payback as he folded his arms behind him. He almost drowned from the taste of 'unfathomable rage' that suddenly filled his lungs. As it was, he coughed to regain his breath and glared at Bee out of the corner of his eye. She had the gall to give him a toothy grin and wink as she walked ahead of him.

At the side of the drive, holding a scroll was a small Imp that was dressed in the stuffiest, vainest purple suit Naruto had ever seen. And he'd been in the same fucking room as Lucifer before. Well, to be fair, the King of Hell had taste...It wasn't good taste, but it wasn't that bad either.

"Now presenting, the Insatiable, Energetic, Daemonic Prince of House of Lzebub, Embodiment of Gluttony and Indulgence, first of her name, first of her House, Bee-Lzebub." The Imp paused as Bee stepped by him. Naruto arched a brow at the Imp as he did the same. A beat passed and nothing was said, good–

"Further, presenting – " Fucking, God-dammit. This little shit better not–! "The Incorrigible, Enigmatic, Gluttonous Duke of House Lzebub, Aberration of Hellborn, first of his kind, first of his name, Naru-Lzebub."

Lucifer, I swear on my life– Naruto growled at the Imp over his shoulder before he glowered straight ahead. His tail flicked sharply from one side to the next like it was one of the Furies' lashes. A sharp tang of 'Calm' filled his mouth and his eye twitched. The instruction was heeded; he took a deep breath and let his raised hackles fall, before he focused on the Goetian Prince and his wife.

Wow, they looked so... happy together.

Talk about walking into a shitshow, he thought with a soft huff. Still, he'd accepted their request. He just hoped that this spoiled rich kid wasn't going to follow the same patterns the last few he'd been hired to protect followed.

"Lady Bee-Lzebub." The Prince, Stolas, greeted with a hand over his chest and a bow. "Welcome to our humble abode."

"Uh-huh, listen, Stolas, I know there's a lot of precedent for this kind of thing but I'm hungry, so unless you can satiate that, let's get this over with." Ah, yep. That's Bee. Tactful as ever. She crossed one set of her arms while the other held a manifested bag of Fizzaroli Funion Chips. "So, where's the kid?"

"Ah, um…Darling?" Stolas looked at his wife. Great first impression, Naruto was almost tempted to just start working now and find the kid.

"She'll be along shortly, Milady. I promise" Stella interjected with a step forward. Fucking ass, the amount of 'Wrath' in the air was going to make Naruto start panting; heh, like that wouldn't be misconstrued in the fucking slightest. "You know how the young can be when they are asked to do something by someone with authority over them."

"Oh, yeah. I know that all too well."

Ah, fan-tucking-fastic, now was the part where Bee could start bitching about him in a way he wouldn't understand. He rolled his eyes and started scouting the grounds he'd be surveying for the next week. Five minutes into that, his mind wandered, until it considered a pair of red eyes, long soft white hair and curvy hips that he just wanted to put his hands–Focus. You're on the clock.

So, he did...for all of another five minutes.

Man, I bet Loona's job as a secretary for those Imps is better than this.

The week that followed Loona's twenty-first birthday was, to be blunt, fucking unbearable. Blitzø wouldn't let her go anywhere without being there. He even tried to follow her into the fucking bathroom in their home! That was only one attempt after she threatened castration, which she might not actually have gone through with. Might.

He was really fucking persistant.

Case in point.

"Blitzø, I fucking swear that if you keep fucking staring at me with those fucking things, I will shove them into your fucking skull!" Loona snarled at her adoptive parent as he watched her through a pair of binoculars. From the corner of her desk. Which he was standing on.

"I won't miss a minute of your life ever again, Loony. I made that promise to you when I adopted you all those years ago."

"I was fucking seventeen! Literally months shy of aging out!" Loona growled. Ugh, if he wasn't bent on stalking her every second of every day, she would pick up a gig with DevilDash and start saving up to move out.

"I know, but you got lucky!" Blitzø grinned and lowered his binoculars. The door clicked and opened, and Loona growled as her adoptive father threw himself into her with another forced hug. In private might have been one thing, but now they had fucking witnesses! "I saw you in that place and just knew it. You were the one for me, my sweet Loony-Toony Moony."

Fuck her life so hard, why couldn't Morningstar just put her out of her misery rather than give her a lift back here? Shit, she would've preferred going back to Gluttony with Naruto.

"Would that be because she was almost an adult and therefore didn't require much, if any, of your non-existent parenting skills, sir?" Fatty asked flatly as he and Millie walked in with their lunch order. Blitzø gasped and launched himself at the short fatass. The bag in his hand was tossed up and Millie snatched it before moving herself and the food out of the line of fire.

"You have no moral high ground here, you little motherfucker!" Blitzø hissed as he tried to strangle his only annoying employee. Millie, at least, was competent enough to compensate for her annoying traits. Exhibit A: she gave Loona her Rawdog's Razorback Sandwich and fries to let her enjoy the show.

Which she did for all of three minutes while she ate her sandwich. Then her phone buzzed. Oh, thank fuck, the Sinstagram update was do–Voxtagram? Loona investigated the updated app with a curled lip. She glared at the weak Sinner scent that leaked out of her phone and growled once the hypnotic ad ended.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." She punched in her login information and then whistled to get the Imps' attention. "Yo, shitbags! VoxTek bought out Sinstagram."

"Oh, shit." "What?!" Millie and Moxxie, who kicked their boss into a wall to break free, whipped their phones out. Blitzø once he was back on his feet, dusted himself off and pulled his own phone out.

"Ugh, goddammit, that means I have to actually log in again to make sure that Sinner fuck didn't mess with any of my shit! There goes my fucking day…" Blitzø growled and stomped over to his office. He stopped at the door and turned to look at Loona. His eyes darted between her and his phone before he ground his teeth together and pointed at the married idiots. "You two! Make sure Loony doesn't get kidnapped by that fuckboy again!"

"For the last goddamn time, Blitzø, I wasn't fucking kidnapped! We got drunk and crashed at his friend's place," Loona said with a huff. She ignored the heat that built up in her ears when she remembered that morning and how she woke up. Instead, she focused on the 'friend' that was the Unholy Princess of Hell herself.

Why wasn't this brought up in an attempt to dissuade him from this apparent vendetta he had with the Foxfiend? Well, Loona was ninety-percent sure that Blitzø wouldn't give a shit who Naruto was related to, he just wanted him dead for some reason. Maybe it had something to do with Morningstar's bizarre take on the way time Here works.

"In Pentagram City! Where all those fucking freaks live!"

"Blitz, don't most of those 'freaks' make up our clientele?" Millie asked, apparently already done with updating her Sins-fuck, Voxtagram. Ugh, that's going to take Loona for-fucking-ever to keep straight.

"...Don't put your fucking female ally logic into this, Millie." Blitzø snarled. He put two fingers to his eyes then directed them at the two, then at Loona, before he raised his middle finger and disappeared into his office. Loona's ears flicked back when the door slammed shut. She rolled her eyes over to the other Imps and glared at them.

"Oh, Loona, I don't give two shits what you and your fuzzy friend do." Millie scoffed and dug into her Rawhead's bag. She giggled as she pulled out a small bucket of fried macaroons. A glance at the Fatty showed him staring at her while he chewed on the – hold on, sniff-sniff – egg-salad sandwich he'd ordered. With extra mayo. Typical Fatty.

With a snort, Loona sat back in her chair and kicked her feet up so she could enjoy her vanilla shake and investigate the updates to her favorite app. Ugh, the layout was totally different, that's so fucking annoying, how was she going to find all of–Wait a fucking minute.

Blitzø wasn't hovering over her.

She could finally search for a certain Foxfiend and scout him out. Sure, Loona talked to and physically slept with him, but before anything else could happen, if it happened –which it could, she got his number before Morningstar dropped her off. No, her tail wasn't wagging the whole time it happened, fuck you – she wanted to get an idea of what she was in for.

'Naru-Lzebub'...Okay, wow. Uhh, popular posts? Something about his clothes at a Mammon Clown Pageant a few years ago... Wait? Doesn't he have an account? Fucking seriously, dude? Ugh, alright, hashtag search it is.

Whoa. That's a lot of cosplaying posts...Which make a whole lot more sense now in hindsight–Hello, those are some uh...Loona felt her ears burn and adjusted herself in her seat before she swiped away from the post. Just...hoo, she didn't expect to see 'Fem-Naru-Lzebub' today. Weird that the cosplayer went with pigtails, though. ...Oh, it's a signature look. Alright, back to the search. Cosplay. Cosplay. Thirst post. Cosplay. Cosplay. Incel jealousy. Cosplay. The Pride Parade from last year's "Bee YOU Extravaganza!"

Wait a second, that's actually him! Loona would recognize that patch of cream fur on his chest anywhere, hangover or not. Side note, Naruto was apparently a straight ally, if the bandanna and belt combo he wore around his neck and jeans was any indication. Mm, at least she wasn't too hungover to burn this image in her mind; the real thing was just fuzzy, sans the giant patch of cream fur he had on his left pectoral. Chewing her straw a bit, Loona opened the post and watched the interview.

"Mr. Lzebub!" "Lord Lzebub!" Other reporters cried out for the Foxfiend as he walked past them toward the poster. His dumb cute smile was on his face and his big blue eyes were locked on the camera-person's face, rather than the camera.

"Hey, you're ...Stem, right? I got your letter!" Fuck, he was always that chipper meeting people wasn't he?

"Y-You got my, I just...Wow, okay. Um, Naru-Lzebub, uh, sir? Can–"

"You don't need to call me that. Here, I'm Naruto–Ignore them." He held his hand out and gestured at the crowd of vulture-like demons that were vying to get his attention. The camera-person took his hand and shook, causing him to grin. "See? I'm just like you, well, not exactly, obviously." He tugged at his bandanna with a laugh and then crossed his arms – Loona may have gulped down too much of her shake at the same time as the Camera Person made a loud 'gulp' sound; but she defied anyone to prove it – before he leaned on the back of his heel. "So, you wanted a quote for your town's webpage, right?"

"I–Yeah, um, Climaxa. You, uh, I didn't expect you to actually come–"

"Of course I'd come! You got my response, right? I don't break my word; that's not even a House thing, that's my thing," Naruto gave a single firm nod before he grinned and moved his hands to his tight, slim waist – Fuck, Loona was so close to having her legs wrapped around that waist. "So, what kind of quote do you want?"

Loona hissed as the video ended and it cut to different photos of the Foxfiend with different participants of the Parade. So much for a look into–Holy shit, the last picture had Beelzebub herself in it! ...Damn, she's hot, but the way she hung off of Naruto's neck – her chest felt tight the longer she looked at their grinning faces. She growled and swiped off the story. She closed the app and did a quick search.

House of Lzebub always brought up some interesting results. Some were more pseudo-historic, like the page that claimed it 'existed since the first embers of Hell sparked to life.' Or more polarizing, like the click-baiting videos made by wannabe influencers '...Cause for Hellhound Uprising 1300LF Finally Revealed...' is such a crock of a fucking title.

Ah, here we go, About Us, on the 'House of Lzebub' home page. It's so weird how that isn't the top result. Okay, that's...a lot of ways for someone to call herself a 'proud jackass partier'. Loona was still scrolling through it–Come on, seriously?!

'Naru-Lzebub, newest member of the House of Lzebub, first discovered Foxfiend in millennia, could not be reached for further comment. Attempts were made and the editor quit after the sixteenth try resulted in a stink-ball to the crotch.'

"Oh, fuck you, Naruto." Loona scowled at how positively un-fucking-helpful that was, other than confirming how private the Foxfiend was.

Writing this attempt off as a loss, she went back to Sins-ugh. Voxtagram. She cleared her search and decided to just scroll through new posts. Cool, one of the artists she followed updated – what? Loona can appreciate whatever shit she wants. Fuck off – Oh, sick. Agothchk2003 always had some pretty interesting art to post.

That wasn't art. Loona fought to keep her claws from clutching her phone too tightly.

"My fucked up parents hate my privacy; proof? Meet my bodyguard."

Huh...Well, Loona really shouldn't be surprised by this. He was from a prestigious House in Hell's hierarchy, of course his first client would be someone influential. And he was actually wearing something...functional. Still looked useful for maybe all of a minute, what with how lean he was, but given the sour-faced teenage bird he was grinning behind, maybe that might actually help. Huh, he went with a long-sleeved shirt and it's...yeah, Loona liked this post.

Wait, shit. She actually liked the post. ...Well, it's in her feed forever now, she may as well look at some comments on it–Oh, no fucking way. This was the 'little girl' that Stolas had told Blitzø about?! She was practically Loona's age!

Christ, no wonder Blitzø fucks him, she thought with a snort as she read the cringe-worthy comment Stolas had left. They're similar enough for him to think he was screwing himself.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL DONKEY-DICKED FUCK, STOLAS?!"

Sounds like Blitzø saw the post, too.

The door to Blitzø's office was kicked open and Loona tore her eyes away from the picture. Uh-oh, Blitzø was quiet and looked ready to fuck up somebody's day.

"Moxxie. Millie. Go get the van ready." Blitzø ordered as he calmly walked toward her. Loona felt her ears go flat and she narrowed her eyes. What was he up to?

"Uh, do we have a job, sir?" Fatty asked.

"Not for long if you don't shut your cock-gobbling trap mouth and go do what the fuck I say!" That hiss certainly got the fire lit under their collective asses. Their lunches, still in the progress of being eaten, were tossed to the side as they ran out the door. Loona kept her eyes on Blitzø as he continued to approach her.

"Loony, give me the hocus pocus book."

Why would he–Oh, fuck that! Loona stood up and bared her teeth. She was entrusted with the Grimoire to protect it and she was not going to let him screw everything up just because he didn't like some cute guy she met!

"Yeah, how about I fucking don't do that, and you go back into your office–"

"Loona Buckzo." Whoa! He never used the surname that was on her adoption papers; she'd been under the impression it was a fucking deadname. Glowing sallow eyes narrowed at her as he held his hand out. "Give me the book."

Loona would admit only once that his calm, curse-less order made her ears fold back and her tail curl up. That may have contributed to her hesitation, as did the small fact that a Hellhound was supposed to 'obey' those of the house they belonged to. Loona, more or less, was never put in a position where she had to.

Until today.

Still, though, she hesitated. Instinct to obey warred with rational thought that saw where this suicidal act would go.

"Loona, give me that goddamn book before I take your fucking phone and chuck it into the Phlegethon River!"

Ah, cuss-riddled threats, she can look past that stupid previous order then.

"Oh, get the fuck over yourself, Blitzø!" Loona crossed her arms with a growl. Her tail held steady and her eyes glowed. "You're pissed because some guy I went out with once works for your fuck-buddy now?!"

"He kidnapped you, Loona! After he assaulted me and got blood on our carpet!"

"You jumped at him and he reacted as anyone with a fucking brain would! I fucking went with him willingly! It was my fucking birthday, you asshole! You said it yourself." Her scowl turned into a smirk. "I could do what I wanted so long as I enjoyed myself."

"That doesn't mean you can run off and fuck some random guy in Pentagram City!"

"Oh, because only you're allowed to do that?!"

"I never hated myself enough to do that with a fucking Sinner!" Blitzø spat.

"He's not a fucking Sinner, dumbass!" Loona snarled as her hackles raised.

"...Fine! Guess we're doing this the hard way...Good luck stopping me when you're locked in the office!" Blitzø shot for the door and–Wait, did he snag the keys?! Oh, that little fucker better fucking think twice!

Loona snarled and leapt over her desk. One stride, two an–Fuck, it was shut! Has it locked yet? ...No, she could hear him fumbling with the keys! She rounded the room once to build momentum and barreled her shoulder into the door. The impact promptly knocked it, and Blitzø, into the wall on the other side of it.

"Fuck!" Blitzø rubbed his head and scowled at her. "Dammit, Loony, that's coming out of your pay!"

"Fuck you! Are you seriously trying to go shoot some guy you've never met just because we might have fucked!?" They didn't, but Loona wasn't going to give Blitzø the satisfaction of knowing that.

"Um, Loona, how do I break this to you?" He tapped his chin and then scowled. "That's my fucking job, bitch! Speaking of–" He threw himself out the window just a few feet to the left. Loona stared until she heard his voice again. "Gah, fuck! I have glass in my eyes! Argh, shit! Mox, Mills, whoever's at the wheel just go! Drive, drive, drive!"

Tires squealed as the I.M.P. van peeled out of the lot. Alright, then. Blitzø wants to play it like that? Loona growled under her breath and went back into the office to grab her phone. A few buttons were pressed before she held it up to her ear.

The bright chipper voice that greeted her on the other side brought a small smile to her face.

"Hey, uh, you said I could ask for a favor whenever, right? How, um, how literal was that? ...Cool, then I need a favor." Loona slumped into her seat. She grabbed her vanilla shake, mercifully unspilled, and sipped out of it. Ugh, not enough. She dumped the cup; she had to make a run for coffee soon. "No, I'm not, but my...dad could be. ...Yeah, something like that. Hang on."

She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her desk, put one in her mouth and grabbed her lighter. When it was lit, she took a drag and sighed.

"Sorry, I needed to light a sm–Yes, I am smoking right now." Oh, great. Fuck, she was too sober for this. "Yes, I remember what you said; and how the fuck does that make any sense? Hell is aligned with Earth–...Right, yeah, my Dad. Just, look, have you heard of I.M.P.? ...Of course, he told you.

Her eyes went wide and her ears shot up as she sat straight up in her seat. Shit. She got too comfortable.

"...Uh, er, I'm pretty sure we've got those permits somewhere…"

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Did she just blow this whole operation?! Loona scrambled around her desk for a moment before the recipient of the call said something else and she relaxed again. "Oh, uh, well...Most of the targets have been complete assholes. I mean, they'd have been down here anyway? One was this total asshole of a kid: he narked on a serial killer, but didn't do anything to help the victim. Guess he watched the whole thing. No, no remorse. ...I know, humans are fucked up. Shit, last month we killed this Polygamous Cannibal Satanist chick at a client's request."

Loona sat back down and took another drag.

"I know right, just pick one? ...No, get this, apparently the whole fucking family was that fucked up. ...Yep. ...Yeah, human cops came up and raided the place; no survivors. Yeah, that world's totally fucked, IMHO. ...Oh, shit, right, the favor I needed? My dad's driving out to shoot Naruto so–"

Loona pulled the phone away from her ear at the loud "WHAT" that came from it. Hm, maybe she should have led with that. Or just texted it.

AN: It's been brought to my attention that some are confused by the timeline of this story, at least on Naruto's part. HH/HB canon is ...loose enough, given its setting, that I can mold it in certain ways. Naruto's, though...There's a decade of beats that I could've plucked him from, but...Well, we're what, on ch 6? About a week in, right?

I guess that's long enough.

Naruto died at the end of Part I at the Valley of the End. It's alluded to in the very first part of the first chapter of this story. Furthermore, any mention of the memories he has are all of events that could, plausibly, happen in part one. Movie and filler nods notwithstanding, but they're not canon anyway, so, who gives a fuck?

Besides, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction.