AN: (Groans into hands) People, my guys, my gals, my fellow sapiens that fall outside or in-between, let me be clear: Naruto is NOT into Stella.
The fact I have to say that out loud…Ugh, I need a drink.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Snack Attack
"Alright, that's the last shard of glass, Boss." Millie smiled and tossed the last bit into the back of the van. She popped down on the seat behind him and pulled her axe out to sharpen it. "So, what's the target, Blitz? A jilted lover that fucked up a 'we'll go out together' scheme? A family of drug lords that crossed the line people were willing to overlook? Some nun that outed a pedo?"
"Uh, c-can we not accept that last hit?" Oh, Moxxie, you sexy little Imp. Millie loved his takes on morality, but momma had always wanted to off a nun. She reached forward and patted his cheek.
"Focus on driving, sweetie."
"I fucking wish!" Blitz hissed as he wiped his reddened and bloody eye. "Shit, that's gonna suck to deal with–Stolas hired that fucking furry twink that went and kidnapped my Loony!"
"What?" Millie and Moxxie exchanged looks. There was no way this was seriously going to be what he thought it was, which meant their business was at jeopardy. After another moment of silent and rapid marriage deliberation, Millie gave a nod and jammed her axe into the non-existent door on the van's cab.
Moxxie, without further prompting from his wife, tightened his grip on the steering wheel before he jerked it hard to the right, into the guardrail and slammed on the brakes. The guardrail stopped their vehicle, but the windshield failed to stop their insecure Boss.
"FU-U-U-U-UCK!" Blitz landed about twenty feet away, aware enough to twist and then end his long distance flight with a skid. He slumped to the ground and went totally still. Millie climbed into the front seat and looked at her hubby.
"So, you think that knocked him out?" Blitz was a durable motherfucker, he'd live from an accident like that. Whether or not he was conscious was a whole other can of beans.
"You...fucking...cocksuckers!" He coughed and groaned as he rolled onto his hands and knees.
Never mind, that answers that.
"N-n-n-nope." Moxxie deadpanned.
"Yeah, me neither." Millie sighed. They sat for a moment, watching their boss struggle to get on his feet and listen to him curse them out. Moxxie shifted into park and revved the engine. Millie looked at her husband with a raised eyebrow and watched him flex his hands around the wheel of the van.
"Should we," he started, stopped and looked up. Then he smiled at her. "Perhaps, we could take this opportunity and give him an impromptu evasive action evaluation?"
"I don't know… He did claim that as the 'Boss' he was exempt from it." Millie tapped her chin. They exchanged looks once more before they grinned and then exchanged a deep, hot liplock that even the most practiced Succubi would be envious of.
"Does it make me a bad person if I say I'm enjoying this?" Moxxie asked after they parted and he shifted the van into drive.
"Mox, you're enjoying this? I thought I knew you." Millie teased. They laughed wildly together as they decided to show their Boss exactly what they thought of being dragged into his personal vendetta. He yelped and dodged once, twice, a miraculous third time, and then leapt onto the hood at the fourth pass.
"You cheeky, twisted fuckers…" Blitz hissed at them. He pulled his flintlock out and tagged Millie– which, fuckin' ow! – before he pointed his second gun at Moxxie. "Scoot over, bitch! Or I'll put a matching hole in his head!"
"Don't talk to my wife–" Sonova–He did not just pistol whip her husband! Millie was about to say 'fuck it' to her bleeding arm and jump Blitz when his first flintlock jammed into her mouth.
"Fuckin' try it, Mills! I will give you a fourth hole to breathe out of and skull fuck it while I find your replacement!" He snarled. Well, alright then. She shared the space with her boss and–Oh, okay. So, Blitz' ass has always looked nice, but it definitely feels it, too. He glared back at Moxxie. "Drive, shithead! We're going to break into the Goetia manor again."
"Sir, you can't go after someone in our benefactor's employ! Not only would that mark us as wanted Imps, but it's-that's terrible business!"
Way to prioritize, babe.
"The fuck I can't! That little shit stain is after my Loona! He's seducing her! Like a fucking cock-sucking, STD-riddled succubus!"
"Pretty sure he's a Hellhound, Blitz." Millie grumbled around the gun. He glared at her from the corner of his eye. She gagged as he jostled the flintlock around before he pulled it out and wrapped a tight around around her neck.
"...You're both so fucking lucky that you're on my bucket list. You don't even fucking know."
Just as the negotiations for payment finished and whatever conditions Stella and Stolas had were brought up, Naruto was introduced to his charge. Octavia was a twig of a teen, but then, she was the child of a bird-demon, so he shouldn't be too surprised. He wasn't any sort of artist – that was recognized as such anyway – but he thought that the lavender color of his charge's dress flattered her feathers. He hoped that was the right way to word that, because he just said it to her face.
"Thanks, or whatever." Ah, teenage angst. Was it messed up that Naruto was sort of glad he never went through that shit when he was alive the first time? Probably.
"Well, I'd say we're all finished here. Stolas, Stella, thanks for being the trial run." Bee chirped with a smile that was way too sharp and far, far too wide. Aww, she really was going to miss him a bit, now he almost felt bad for teasing her about it earlier. At the same time, he did not envy whatever poor schmuck had to keep her distracted from going back on this arrangement.
Ha! Vore-Tex was fucked in more ways than one! ...Eww, he just thought about his sister and her boyfriend having sex.
"Y-Yes, of course." Stolas smiled as Stella nodded and they clutched hands together. "I assure you, we will treat him so well, it will be as if we gained a son!"
Ugh, their 'vibes' just tasted so foul. So bitter and fake. Judging by a spicy twinge that suddenly overwhelmed that taste, that was also the wrong fucking thing to say.
"Yeah, uh...fuck that." Bee snarled as she got in Stolas' face. Her finger pressed into his chest as her form began to shift and she began to grow. She was about thrice her size by the time her threat finished. "I don't give two shits whether you two are or are not upholding that stupid, oversized pigeon's fucking honor! You two Cuckold-fucks want my Baby Bro to protect your little bird, fucking done! Just don't do anything stupid that would endanger her! Is that fucking simple enough for you two dipshits, or do I need to break out fucking pictograms?!"
The two birds shook their heads rapidly. The Queen of Gluttony huffed a breath that ruffled their plumage before she reverted to her bubbly, party-ready self and shot over to Naruto. A tight hug engulfed him – fucking, ow! Those were his ribs! – and she scented the base of his ears.
"There, I'll remember how you smelt when I dropped you off. I'll know if something happens." That last bit was directed at Stolas and Stella, who looked and tasted about ready to drop eggs where they stood. Both of them, not just Stella. Then, with a bright smile that reached her eyes, she gave him a warmer, gentler hug. Oh, good, he could return this one without it being a dick-measuring contest that he would lose.
Talk about a bad look.
"Take care, Baby Bro."
"You too, Bee."
She got back into the limo and had barely pulled out of the drive when she punched a fist through the roof of the cabin and climbed atop it.
"I can't stand the vibes in there! Dougan, let's paint the town red! Awoo!"
"Oh, Bee." Naruto sighed as he rubbed his temple as the limo peeled off to drive deeper into Pride. Hm, what was that dry taste coming from his immediate left? A glance and–He gave Octavia a flat stare. "Oi. Oi. Stop giving me that look, this is new."
"Then at least we can suffer in unity." She reached out and patted his arm. Naruto felt his eye twitch and he leaned down to look her in the eye.
"Look, Octavia, I'm here to be your bodyguard, because you're rich and I need money. Simple as that. This doesn't have to be difficult. You don't do dumb shit, I can make sure you stay alive." He growled through a toothy smile. The little ...Owl? ...Owl. tilted her head. Then, she snorted.
"Don't do me any fucking favors."
...Oh, this was a terrible mistake! He was babysitting fucking Sasuke, only without all the 'kill his brother' stupidity! No, wait, this wasn't guilt-riddled depression. No, no, it was worse than that, it was that bucket-hat kid! ...Fuck, what was his name again, Ibari? Isomu? Ugh, great, now that was going to keep him up tonight. He could already tell that this week was going to totally, absolutely, positively–
Dibidi ba didi dou dou, di ba didi dou! Didi didldildidldidl houdihoudi dey dou~! (1)
"What... the fuck is that?" Octavia asked, a twitch in her eye as the joyful ringtone pierced the air. Oh, there was a sudden swell of 'disgust' and 'appall' that followed suit. Good, the whole family hated his ringtone. At least he found common ground for them to work on.
"That would be Charlie calling." Naruto answered as he pulled his phone out before he glared back at his charge. "This isn't over." He straightened up and turned away to answer the call. "Hey, Charlie, what's–?"
"Your girlfriend's father is coming to kill you!"
Naruto blinked. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he dipped his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. There were things about that statement he had to process. Blitzø wanted him dead, which he knew thanks to the texts he and Loona exchanged over the past week – it was a fucking crime that she was being smothered by her adoptive father to the point they could only text at two o'clock in the morning, when they were certain the Imp would be asleep, and he could do fuck all to help her – and somehow he'd been pushed over the edge to decide that it was time to act on that kill desire. Okay, sure.
"Charlie?"
"Yeah?"
"Two things. One, we aren't dating–" He tilted his head away at the outraged gasp that ripped through the speaker.
"But you're so cute together!" Yeah, except for the whole part where Loona didn't want anything to do with him romantically! He was pretty sure he told her that before she dropped him off outside the Lzebub Manor. Ugh, he couldn't argue with her about this right now.
"I'll keep that under consideration. Two, thank you for the head's up."
"What? Wait, how can I help? What do you need–?"
"Focus on fixing your hotel, okay?" He needed a good vent and, judging by the cloud of bitter, sour and spicy 'vibes' that were oh, five? Ten minutes away?
"B-But I can help–!"
"I know that, and I appreciate that offer, y'know." Naruto smiled as he narrowed his eyes at the cloud. His nostrils flared and then a thought occurred. "Actually, Charlie? Still there?"
"Yeah! What do you need?"
"I need cameras."
"What?"
"I'm going to shoot a commercial. I. Need. Cameras."
"A commercial?" Octavia asked. He glanced at her and winked–Ha! Adorable, her 'embarrassment' and 'indignance' tasted sweet. This girl probably didn't have a real mean bone in her body.
"Who was that?"
"New client. Oh, hey! Did you hear? I got hired as a bodyguard for that Goetia princess!"
"Princess?!" Octavia squawked at the same time that Charlie squealed.
"Yes, I saw her Voxtagram post! You're trending again, by the way. For two weeks in a row in Pride, that's a new record!" Of fucking course it was. And it wouldn't do much of anything other than fucking drown his mailbox in illicit and gross offers."Her feathers are so pretty! Tell her I said that, ooh, wait! Wait! Better yet, put her on the ph–!"
"Yeah, no, that's not happening." Naruto chuckled at her whine. He stepped away from his charge and scanned the fencing that enclosed the vast property the nobles had under their thumb. "But anyway, cameras–actually, a NEWS crew if you can push it, maybe a chopper team. It'll get some awesome aerial shots."
"Do you even know what you're going to do with them?"
"Meh, I'll figure it out as I go. Can you get them?"
"Of course I will! One second...and done! Request sent in and–yep, you've got a crew on the way!" Ah, good, she either asked the Short-King Wannabe or utilized her powers as Princess of Hell to make that happen. He really hoped it was the former, just so he can lord it over the shrimp's head. "I mean, I did promise Loona I'd help you."
"...I'm sorry, what?" Naruto blinked and quickly reigned in the whip of his tail. Talk about an unprofessional sight.
"Yeah, apparently, Loona got left behind when her dad decided to go on this crusade–I actually just got off of the phone with her! Did you know she has access to a Goetia Grimoire and can use its magic!?"
"...I did not...That explains a lot, actually." Naruto mumbled, rubbing his chin. Especially why she was so interested in his House Seal. ...Hm, he did kind of hijack her birthday...Maybe he could pay her back with—
A siren started roaring in the air. Naruto glanced at the Goetia who were staring at him. He looked at the Prince and then his charge. He should probably end the call before he takes on this new issue; he focused on the phone in his ear.
"Thanks again, Charlie. Have fun with your hotel renovation, oh and tell the Chicken-Girl I said hi!" He hung up before she could protest further and looked at his charge. "What's that?"
"An alarm. Dumbass." Do not kill your charge, Naruto. She doesn't know better.
"For?"
"Perimeter breach."
Naruto looked around the front gate. He hadn't heard a crash..?
"Uh, if I may." Prince Stolas stepped forward and gestured to his lawn. "What you see before you is just the homestead 'face' that I claim as my own, the retreat that the masses agreed, for the most part, to leave us be in. Our territory actually stretches far past that."
"…You've got part of the Inter-Ring Speedway in your territory?" Naruto reiterated to confirm. Stolas nodded. "Huh, go figure. Wait, how does that work?!"
"Aren't you a Duke?" Octavia tilted her head. "Don't you have the same claim to territory as Queen Bee?"
"We don't have to worry about intruders because Bee smells them before they get close. I've got something similar." He should probably replace the Survey Squadron sometime this week, ugh, that report will be a bitch to write while he's babysitting. "So, how come every car going down that portion of the IRS doesn't set the alarm off?"
"There are certain triggers that need to be met. Like say magical detection, direction and speed, and of course otherworldly residue." Stolas hummed with a small chuckle. "You would not believe the amount of times that I've had to wipe the minds of some clever mortals that found their way here and sought worthwhile proof of their adventure."
"No, I believe it." Naruto nodded. He crossed his arms. "Alright, so sit-rep, they're coming for me. First and foremost, I apologize that I've brought a gunfight to your doorstep."
"It isn't a Sinner, is it? An Overlord?" Stella asked, giving him a glower as she stepped up to Octavia's other side—Fuck, she just had all sorts of foul taste wafting off of her, didn't she? Ugh, he needed to get this over with so he and Octavia can get the fuck away from her nasty tasting parents—and put a hand on her daughter's shoulder. The matriarch of the Goetia household scowled. "I saw the damage you and your pet left in Pentagram City."
"Was there actual footage of that fight? Asking for a friend." Naruto grinned before he scowled. "Hey, wait, fuck you! Don't call Loona a 'pet'."
"What my wife so tactfully meant to say was that we are concerned about collateral damage," Stolas said, giving Stella a glare as he did. She glared back. Ugh, disgusting. They could at least pretend a bit longer to tolerate each other in front of their kid, unless—He looked at his charge, a brow arched. Octavia met his gaze, crossed her arms and shrugged.
Fuck, okay. Yeah, I'm definitely keeping her away from these chucklefucks for the week. Naruto decided as he rubbed his face. If he had to stay around them like this any longer, there would be a new Goetia Princess seated in Stolas' throne.
"Not too much collateral. I can do that. For the record, I was shitfaced when what happened in Pentagram City happened." He sighed. He was just grateful that it was kept within the Ring's isolated news media and that Bee didn't care what happened to the city inhabitants that was Exterminated every year. "For now, why don't you and your staff go inside. I'll deal with my issue."
"Would you like some of our guards to remain?" Stella asked, as she gestured at the tuxedoed Hellhounds that were probably taller than him by a hair and at least twice as wide.
"..Sure, they can watch. Maybe they'll learn something." Naruto shrugged and ignored the swell of 'Wrath' that came from the stationed Hellhound guards. He glanced at them and his lips pulled up into a smirk, before he began to usher the three Goetia inside. "All right, that's enough standing around like jackasses for us. Let's get you three inside."
A loud buzz came from the gate and, low and behold, there was a Channel 666 News van just beyond it.
Charlie, you rock. He grinned. A mix of 'fury' 'fear' 'concern' 'dread' wafted off of his charge's parents and he kept ushering them inside. "Don't worry about that, Prince Stolas, Lady Stella. I'll deal with the media. Octavia, why don't you go…I dunno, torture a rat or something. Might make you feel better."
"Jackass." The girl huffed. Hey, that tasted like genuine amusement. So she's got a sense of humor, hm? Naruto could work with that.
"Tavia!" "Octavia, language!"
Wow, a unified front. Wonders never cease. Naruto shook his head and shut the door behind them before he went for the gate to give the NEWS crew instructions. And then try to talk his way out of the exclusive Charlie had promised them he would give. Ugh, why couldn't she have just asked her Dad to get them or just ordered them to come here?! Preferably the former.
Ugh, he would absolutely love to rub that in Lucifer's face; having The King of Hell grant a favor to help Naruto? There'd be fucking limitless miles on that prank! He felt his tail and shoulders slump from the loss.
Goddammit, Charlie, you're too pure for this world.
A large red and black van crashed through the front gates of the Goetia manor. The three occupants inside peeled themselves off of the dash, before the tallest rounded on the driver.
"Fuck! Could you have gone any fucking slower?!" Blitzø snapped at his firearm specialist, although that distinction was fucking pending, given the absolute, unjustified bullshit he and his wife had been putting him through. It took every ounce of his limited rational power to not fucking shoot the both of them. Both they and Loona thought he was overreacting, but he fucking wasn't!
Loona was his baby! His sweet, vicious, sharp-toothed little grey mongrel gifted to him by the grace of Lucifer! He wouldn't let her suffer after being dumped the same way he—the same way Bombproof did! Not Blitzø, he was fine with how his adolescence and early twenties went. Totally. …Fuck you, you're not his therapist.
"I was going at least five times over the speed limit, sir. Now would you please get off of my wife and get your fucking gun away from my face?!" Moxxie snapped. Ah, right. Well, that would make anyone touchy.
"God dammit, if only you said that in a different context." Blitzø huffed as he stowed his flintlocks and climbed off of Millie onto the hood of his company van. He glared at the windshield damage beneath his feet and vowed to make the bastard that made him do this pay for it. His golden eyes glared around the grounds before he growled and dropped down from the van.
"STOLAS!" He shouted at the closed doors of the Goetian Prince's manor. "I know he's here, you double dicking, motherfucker! Bring that furry twink out so I can fuck him!"
A cricket chirped nearby as the stationed guards stared at him. A cough drew Blitzø's attention to a news crew of Sinners nearby. By them, however, was his target: the oversized, narrow faced, twisted mouthed homewrecker!
"Up." Slipped out of his mouth. Blitzø scowled.
"The fuck did you just say to me, motherfucker?!"
"I was correcting you–I hope." He stepped away from the news team and tilted his head while his tail swooshed ungracefully from one side to the next. He let his hands slip into his pockets. "The phrase is 'I'm going to fuck you up'."
"Oh, so you're a wiseass on top of being a fucking kidnapper, huh? No, I didn't get it wrong, you mis-fucking-understood!" Blitzø drew his flintlocks and pointed them at the weird Hellhound. The News Crew got all excited as they moved from behind him while the fucker's tail began to swish a bit more erratically. "I'm going to fuck you, as in: I'm putting as many fucking holes into you so that I can fuck each and every one of them!"
"I see," The Fuckboy said, rubbing his chin. "Well, I guess that's me told—wait, what do you fucking mean 'kidnapper?!"
"You kidnapped my daughter, you twink sonovabitch!"
Ignoring the dumb furrow of the asshole's brow, he cocked the hammers on his pistols and fired. Bullets ripped through the cocky fuck's weak ass chest armor in his stupid fucking vest. Not taking any chances, Blitzø fired again, and again, and again still until he was out and the freak was flat on his back. He holstered one pistol and began to reload the other as he walked towards his target. Once that was done, he climbed onto the to-be dead man's chest and started to fumble with his belt buckle.
"Anything you wanna fucking say with your last seconds of breath before I choke you on my dick?!"
Blue eyes cracked open and the bastard had the gall to grin bloodily at him.
"Boom, motherfucker."
Then the cheating bastard went and fucking exploded.
"God-dammit, Blitzø." Loona groaned into her hand.
She, and everyone else in Hothead's, had their eyes glued to the flat screen that was reporting the breaking news. Not only did she watch her adoptive father shoot the apparent Duke of Gluttony — which of fucking course Loona had to learn about that when she watched the interview that was happening before Blitzø showed up, and not from the bastard's mouth itself; that explained the pictures of him and Bee-Lzebub being so close, at least — not just once, but enough times to make him resemble Swiss cheese. She thought Charlie said she was going to do something to help him?!
Her phone let out a whimper and she looked at the text. Ah, well, if Charlie said Naruto wouldn't let her help the—Wait, no, that's not how the fuck it works! Loona growled and almost sent her gut reaction back, to remind the girl exactly who she was supposed to be. Almost. But! She would rather not get pissed at the Princess of Hell when the cause for her frustration was her own fucking Da-Blitzø.
Speaking of the idiot, what the fuck is he doing now-? Loona's ears blazed and she almost snarled at the screen. He'd better fucking get his hand away from his crotch right the fuck now!
"Pickup for a 'Lunar'?!"
Loona once more dashed to the counter to get her latte. She again paid the unfortunate ugly as fuck Sinner with whatever cash she had on hand, and darted back to her spot to watch the news.
"Thank you for joining us, Tom, and all of you watching live on Channel 666! We're here on scene at the Grotian Prince's Manor in the Pride Ring outside of Pentagram City where freshly hired Duke of Gluttony, Naru-Lzebub, was just shot multiple times by a-a…the fuck is that, a hybrid Imp? …Can we call him that when he hasn't made any deman-Alright, fuck Jerry fine! — ahem, the Duke has been shot multiple times by an extremist Imp of some unknown organization and now it seems th—"
The screen rumbled and the reporter was knocked off of their feet by an explosion.
Loona almost dropped her latte as her hackles rose and her fur bristled.
Dad?!
The signal cut out for a minute with a jaunty We'll Be Right Back screen that depicted that Sinner fuck, Vox smiling at everyone. Fucking freak—And then it was back.
"Some kind of explosion—!" The reporter was drowned out by Blitzø's shout of "What the fuck is this bullshit?!"
The reason for his shout — which allowed Loona to relax — was made evident by the sight of not one, unharmed, rejuvenated and revived Naruto.. ..But five. Two of which had Blitzø restrained, one of them was binding his hands, even as they got cussed out. Two of the others were approaching the reporter and her team.
"You all alright? Anything hurt? How's your hearing? ...Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?" One closest to the reporter asked, while the next covered the camera with his hand and lowered it to talk to the camera person. It was so-so methodical, precise, and calm. It was as if he trained for this; it was nothing like the goofball she'd gotten to know.
Did she really know him, though? Where did the five duplicates come from? Were they body doubles? Did they all modify their appearance for that? Did they all have cream patches on their lean, hard chests? Loona wasn't sure about the last one, but she really fucking liked that idea. She felt her tail swish and didn't bother to stop it, but the brief panting fit that had suddenly overcome her had to be dealt with. A swig of her latte did the trick. By the time she got herself under control, the camera team was back to business and Naruto held Blitzø by his restrained arms.
Fuck, that's hot. And that was a thought Loona never thought she'd have with the context of her adoptive father being detained in front of her.
"First, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize." Naruto said as he looked at the camera.
"Yeah, you fucking better, because once I get out of this—!"
Huh, so Imps have scruffs too? Good to know. Disturbing to see Blitzø held up like that, though. Naruto muttered something inaudible to the Imp before he held him to the side and dropped him into the arms of one of his doppelgängers. Then he clapped his hands together once.
"Like I was saying, I'd like to apologize for that. I didn't realize my hired help would be so eager to prove their value!" He grinned wide, but it didn't reach his eyes. One of them twitched. "And the improv wasn't something we discussed either, but, I will admit that I didn't hire the Immediate Murder Professionals for their acting abilities."
Wait, what was he doing?
"I'm sorry, sir, but did you say you hired this Imp to-?"
"Come shoot me, yes. I wanted to perform a demonstration for my clients, and Stolas suggested I go up against this group of assassins he's started using to prove my value, because I'm trying to start up a security business, y'know?"
"You mean, everything that just happened was planned?"
"More or less, yeah. Not sure where the bit about kidnapping came from, though." Naruto reached back to scratch the back of his head, where his coarse, but soft hair still remained a mess and he let out a laugh. "They crashed the gate because I told them it would be open for a cool entrance. But then you guys showed up and I guess I just must have lost track of time! Ha-ha!"
Holy. Shit. Again, Loona almost dropped her latte. He gave Blitzø an out. Fuck, he gave the whole ass company an out. So long as Blitzø didn't fuck this up, people would forgive the fuck-up that just happened as an act of whimsy by a fucking noble. A really cute, goofy, idiot of a noble that took her out to celebrate her birthday.
Her Hellphone whined and she looked down at the text.
(Not available much this week, but I'd like to make up for hijacking your birthday. Saturday work?)
Loona stared at the screen in her hand and looked back up at the television. The Naruto on camera had both hands visible, the other one slightly out of frame was still holding Blitzø. That meant there was a third one she hadn't seen. She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat and responded.
(Sure, w/e)
(Awesome, see you then!)
(It's a date.)
The Hellhound pushed her way out of the Hotheads and started walking back to the office. As she did, she took another cigarette out, lit it and took a drag. Then drowned the taste of ash out with vanilla coffee. She made it a block from the cafe, just rounded the corner that would take her to the street I.M.P. was headquartered at, before she realized what she sent back. Stupified she pulled her phone back out and reread her sent message, just as it was read. The cigarette fell out of her mouth as she slumped against the wall of the building behind her.
Loona, you dumb bitch, She whined into a groan that she smothered with her hand. What the fuck did you just do?
"Come on, come on…"
"She's still typing, calm down."
"I am calm, you be fucking calm!"
(Sure, w/e)
At the corner of the Goetia manor, two clones looked up at one another with grins on their faces. They shared a high-five and the one manning the Hellphone quickly sent a last response. The other peered around the corner as the News Crew wrapped up,
(Awesome, see you then!)
"Hurry up, we've got thirty seconds at best to get this thing back to the Boss."
"Think he'll be pissed we did that?"
"Why would he? It's not like he won't remember it. There's not a lot of clones active right now."
"True, and we just did it so he wouldn't forget to!"
"Exactly!"
A buzz-buzz-buzz made them look down at the last response.
(It's a date.)
The two clones looked up at each other. Down at the phone, at each other, at the phone…
"Do you think the Boss will let me cover that day?"
"The fuck you will! I typed all of this!"
"Yeah, with my amazing direction!"
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you!"
"Don't push me, asshole!"
"Don't kick me, dickbag!"
A fight almost broke out amongst the clones, but they were dispelled before any real damage could happen to the grounds.
"Geez, what the fuck were they doing with my-uh…" Naruto stared at the last message from his friend.
Date? Like-like a date-date? An honest to G-man above date-date?! Loona wanted this to be a-a date? Or...Or was it just a date, like the saying? It was probably the saying. Yeah, Loona was just probably using the saying. He was pretty sure she would just use the saying. They were just friends after all.
But what if he was wrong?
I fucking hate my clones. Naruto growled as he typed another message. He held his thumb over 'send' before he just bit the bullet.
(Do you want it to be one?)
"I shouldn't have sent that, maybe I still have time to–Fuck!" It was marked as read. He dropped his face onto the phone screen before he sighed and pocketed the phone. "Shit, too late to undo it now. What's the worst that can happen? She says 'no' again?"
...That might actually really suck now that he said it out loud.
(1) The Hamster Dance
AN: hic ...Whoo! Progresh! Da floofy times are a cummin! Ha-ha, cum. Come. 's funny.
I just want to use this platform to say: fuck holdiay work-weeks. Everyone who doesn't want to do anything rushes everything and screws other people over. Fuck you if you do that!
Alright, Imma go drink more alky-hol now.
And rememember! It's just fan fucking fiction...wait...