AN: To my fellow Americans––No, you know what? That's exclusive. I don't need that. But I need something. Oh, I know!

What follows is a slight paraphrase of the immortal words of Bill Pullman, first shared with the world in the Summer of 1996.

"The Fourth of July [is no longer just] an American holiday, but a day the world declared in one voice:

'We will not go quietly into the night!'

'We will not surrender without a fight!'

'We're going to live on!'

'We're going to survive!'

"Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

For independence does not have to just relate to the birth or rebirth of a country. Celebrate who you are as an individual. Celebrate your ability to contemplate and think. Celebrate for the fucking sake of it!

Happy Independence Day, to all of my readers!

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

Knockoff Animal Crackers

Naruto really needed to learn not to tempt fate, all it did was invoke fucking Karma. Not only was Karma a bitch, but she came around and bit him in the ass at the worst fucking time.

Friday, literally a day before his date with Loona, Prince Stolas had apparently had enough of his wife's attitude and needed a day out. Normally, Naruto wouldn't give two shits, but his charge was roped into this whole fucking thing, so now he was going along too. While he could act as escort and guard to the two of them by his own fucking self...He just wasn't being paid enough to.

One lesson he remembered from his first life: If you're good at what you do, don't do it for free. Great in theory to make friends and allies, but sucks absolute dick when one of those friends stabs you through the fucking chest because he has a fucking chip on his shoulder the size of his fully grown brother!

...I need to not think about that fuckhead right now.

"The shit is Loo Loo Land, anyway? Some kind of derivant of Lu-Lu World?" He asked, looking at his charge. She had her arms crossed and glowered darkly out of the window of the limousine that was driving them through Imp City toward the place they would switch to a less conspicuous ride. Huh, this neighborhood looked familiar...

Wait a minute–

"It's a terribly cheap knock off that Mammon commissioned. My dad took me there all the fucking time when I was an owlet." Octavia grumbled, derailing his sudden train of thought. She sounded so excited for this adventure–Hey, that van looks familiar. Oh, right, there's the derailed train, back on track.

"Why are we at I.M.P.?" Naruto asked, looking at Stolas with furrowed brows. Octavia groaned again while Stolas smiled.

"While you've proven yourself capable of protecting my darling little chick–" "Piss off, Dad!" The 'chick' in question pushed her father's hand away from her face when he tried to pinch her cheek. To his credit, Stolas didn't seem too bothered by the rebuff, not a hint of 'vibes' to be tasted. "–There is only one Hellborn Imp that I trust with my body."

"Dad!" Oof, that was some hot spicy 'embarrassment' that filled the cabin. ...Hold on, did he just say–?

"Life, I meant life!"

"...Oh, fuck. Fuck." Naruto let his mouth drop open at the absolutely sourly-sweet 'vibes' that filled the car. He fought against the urge to retch. He was riding with Loona's D-Blitzø's fuck-buddy?! Ugh! Stolas, why?! J-Just why?!

"Mm, maybe he'll do that too if I behave..."

"DAD!" Poor Octavia–Wait, what was she doing with her seatbelt? "Ugh, fucking–Argh!"

"Wait, don't jump out of the limo before I can–Goddammit! ...I am going to pluck that girl nude and strand her in the fucking street." Naruto growled as he climbed out of the stopped limousine after his distressed charge. He stopped and glared back into the limo at the Prince, shoving a claw in his face when he made to follow. "No! Stay the fuck put until your bodyguards get here!"

"But, Tavia–"

"You're paying me to watch her, I'm watching her, goddammit! Stay here and reign in your fucking horny!" Naruto roared before he slammed the door shut. He paused and then closed his eyes. "The words I hear myself say sometimes."

He shook his head and strode after his charge into the office building. He could follow her by the taste of 'disgust' 'anger', but given how fucking frequent that taste was in Hell, it was easier to follow the 'hurt'. It was a spicy sort of bitterness, one that made his stomach churn. He came up to a familiar set of elevators and a faint whiff of vanilla caught his nose that made him pause.

...Ugh, if that wasn't fucking temptation, he didn't know what was.

"Tomorrow." A small smile on his face, Naruto let his tail whip about for a second as he passed the lifts by.

He sniffed out another sting of bitter and came around a corner to a bench. The young Goetia was curled into a ball, arms wrapped around her legs, shoulders jerking here as soft hoots escaped her. Fuck, this was why he hated babysitting fucking royalty; when shit hit the fan, parents bailed and he was left with the fucking clean-up. With a sigh, he sat down beside her and just stared at the wall, she'd talk when she's ready.

"You don't have to act like you care." Octavia sniffled. "I know you're only doing this for a paycheck."

"True," he nodded. Her flinch told him she was listening. "I am only here because I'm getting paid." He pursed his lips, twisted his muzzle and then growled. "Fuck, there's no way to say this without sounding corny as shit, so here goes: Your parents aren't paying me to care."

"..." Octavia's eyes bored into him, and that sweet little taste of 'amusement' that was uniquely hers wafted into his nose. The soft giggle didn't go unheard either. "That was so fucking corny."

"Hey, fuck you. It made you laugh, didn't it?" He challenged, meeting her gaze with an arched eyebrow. She nodded around a sniffle and wiped at her eyes before she stared at her knees again. He cracked a grin and reached over to poke her in the head. "Hey, c'mon, Princess. Don't let your Dad bum you out. Just because he let his dad dictate his life, does that mean you're going to let him run yours?"

"...Are we ditching him?" Oh, don't look at him with those eyes! He was half-tempted! Thank fuck he was used to such playful pleas coming from Drunk Bee.

"As amazing as that adventure would be, and it would be amazing."

"How amazing?"

"It'd probably spawn a movie franchise that feeds off of the terrible sequel and further worse ones that make the first one look decent." He smirked at the increased 'amusement' and giggles she let out. "Anyway, that would result in me actually becoming a–"

"Well, well, well." Oh, fuck my life hard, Naruto thought as he and Octavia looked up to see Blitzø walking over. Huh, he made that suit work. If only the vibes around him weren't positively rancid. "If it isn't the Kidnapper. What, my Loony wasn't fucking bad enough, you took Stolas' kid after fucking your way into his wife's wallet?"

"...Didn't I pay you to leave me alone?" Naruto deadpanned. Octavia snorted and he gave her a look from the corner of his eyes. "Keep it up, Princess, and you'll get a one-way ticket to Bucket City."

The cheeky little shit just smirked at him.

"Yeah, well, not clearly enough." Naruto arched his brow and he crossed his arms. Blitzø adjusted the sunglasses on his face. "Listen, time is money and the sooner we get in the van, the sooner we can get this trip over with."

"Why the hell should...we..." A wisp of white tail fur caught his eye as it headed for the front doors and the faint vanilla scent got stronger when he scented the air. He was on his feet with Octavia under his arm and half-past the Imp before either of them knew what happened. "Well, come on, then, Shitz, time is money!"

"Wh–Fuck you, asshole! I'm not the one loitering with an actual child!" Blitzø snapped as he shot past, elbowing the Foxfiend in the hip as he did. The second gust of wind seemed to stir Octavia from her stupor.

"Hey, put me–!" Naruto pulled the struggling teen out from under his arm just before they reached the door and set her on her feet. His hands stayed on her shoulders as he stared her in the eye.

"Listen, I will let you act out for five minutes at this stupid park just to drive your Dad crazy if you give me a few minutes of peace right fucking now."

"...Throw in fifty bucks."

"Twenty-five, or I bag and tag you for the day."

"...Ten minutes?"

"Five."

"...Cash up front."

"You've learned well." Naruto grinned as he pulled the cash out and handed it over to the girl.

"Had a good teacher." Octavia hummed and counted her take – always count up-front pay in front of the client, let them know you won't be fucking shafted – stepped out and spotted exactly why he just bribed her. She looked back at him, then at the Hellhound that was glued to her phone, then back and shook her head. Her beak twisted into a small smirk. "She's so out of your league."

"Pfft, I know that." Naruto crossed his arms and glanced at his watch. "Clock starts as soon as you get in the van."

"Whatever." The teenage noble rolled her eyes. "Don't take too long getting shot down."

"Cheeky little…" Naruto watched her climb into the back with the other two members of I.M.P., Fa–Moxxie and Millie, just to immediately tune them out when they tried 'small talk'. A glance showed that Stolas and Blitzø were negotiating – or at least, Blitzø was trying to; Stolas' fucking nasty sour-ass thirst was too strong – so he would be fine on that front. With his bases covered, the Foxfiend strolled over to the Hellhound that was leaning against the rear bumper of the I.M.P. Van.

When Blitzø got a phone call from Stolas that morning, Loona had made sure to clear the workday schedule. The horny owl demon always took priority over potential business because of his importance – or rather his book's importance – to their business. He'd requested their team of 'elite professionals' – Loona managed to withhold her laughter, whereas Fatty and Millie failed to do the same – to act as his bodyguards while he and his daughter went to some theme park. Given that they were a group of assassins, the request confused them.

Then Stolas brought up the possibility of lucrative pay and Blitzø – with a decision that was not only fucking justified, but also really fucking smart – accepted the job.

Now, Loona would normally use the opportunity to pass as a freebie to do whatever she wanted today, but when it connected to her what day of the week it was and how long it was until her date tomorrow, she offered to tag along as extra muscle. At half pay. Blitzø – always being the same fucking annoyance to her whenever she participated as part of the company – was over the moon and didn't even question it. She wondered how long the peace would last until he connected the dots.

Satan's nonexistent mercy, please let him be oblivious until they get on the road. She thought as she turned the page in an old copy of Vague that had an exclusive interview with a certain Foxfiend. The answers were pretty apt for the magazine in question, probably a prank on his part. She huffed softly at one question's answer: 'Favorite color? Why? Who wants to know, someone that wants to impersonate me? I'm not a fucking artist, I like the rainbow equally, what'cha gonna do with that?!

As she kept reading through the increasingly obvious prank on all of Hell's inhabitants that enjoyed this drivel, Millie and Fatty were going over last minute weapon checks when Blitzø kicked the door to his office open. He had a nice suit on and had donned a pair of shades. Was this one of those kinds of jobs? She might have to change out of her clothes into something more professional...Yeah, fuck that.

"Alright, bitches!" Blitzø grabbed his sniper rifle and bag of supplies. He jammed the rifle crudely into the sack and then shoved the bag into Fatty's arms. "Stolas' ride is here and we need to be downstairs an hour ago! Millie, go prep the van. Moxxie, pack the van and move the protectee. Loony...You sure about coming with us today?"

"Yeah, sure. I've got nothing else going on today." She admitted with a shrug as she put her magazine into her desk. The look of absolute bafflement on Fatty's face was hysterical.

"Alright, well, I want you to lock up. Everything." He tossed the office keys to her that she caught with ease. Oh, hey, he wanted her to triple-check his office safe? Blitzø was taking this seriously. He looked at the other two Imps and pointed at the door. "What are you two shitbirds gawking at? Move! I'm not fucking paying you idiots to sit around looking good!"

Loona shook her head and started locking up, checking Blitzø's safe hidden behind the old poster of him and his sister Barbie Wire, then his windows – he always forgot to get the windows – before moving from his office to the grander office. It was five minutes later that she finally descended the elevator.

The same violet and almost-but-not coconut smell was nearby and her tail started to wag until Loona heard Blitzø talking shit out of his asshole of a mouth to her left. She spotted some orange out of the corner of her eye and, though the temptation to go over there was strong, she decided to avoid ruining the peace Blitzø gave her. She parked herself on the bumper of the Van and pulled her phone out to check the latest Voxtagram posts. Her ear perked up when the door to their office building chimed and she kept her tail still as that sweet violet-almost-not-coconut combination got stronger until it practically smothered her.

Fuck, he was warm. She felt his presence a second before his shoulder brushed against hers when he leaned on the van beside her.

"How's it going?"

"Another day, same shitty life. You?"

"Well, mine's gotten better. Recently in fact." She glanced up at the bright grin on his face–Fuck, he was flirting – No, tail, do not wag. Don't do it. It was bad enough her ears folded back after heat rushed to them. – with her.

"You need to work on your material."

"Are you offering to help?"

Calm down, calm down, calm down. Fuck, but she wanted to say 'yes' so fucking bad. She really wanted to. He smelled really good and, thank fuck, he was also restraining his tail. The soft thumps against the van's tail light proved it. Rather than get caught in a stare off while Blitzø was right there in prime fuck-up position, she cracked a small smile and she looked back at her phone.

"Maybe tomorrow," She brushed some hair out of her eyes as her head dipped down. He huffed a short laugh and shit did Loona have to fight to keep her tail still. That sound was so fucking genuine and, ugh, his scent made her mouth water. A sharp snap from around the corner reminded her that fucking clamjammer that was Blitzø was in earshot. Keep it cool, Loona, don't get yourself fucking 'grounded'.

"Hey, um, about tomorrow." She looked up to meet his gaze. Fuck, if he wanted her to focus, he had to stop scratching his head like that. That just reminded her of the 'Hotel Morning Incident' she vaguely remembered and always made her kind of drift off to imagine further details.

"Yeah?"

"I just...I want to make sure you're…" He took a second to lower his arm – thank you, you stupidly attractive Foxfiend – and worked his jaw. His too blue eyes held her gaze. "You know you can say no, right?"

What the actual shit? Her tail went still and her ears shot up. Well, he had her fucking attention right fucking now. Was he just fucking with her? Is this a gag or was the fucking text one?

"What?" Loona growled. She lowered her phone and glared into his eyes– huh, why did his ears flatten? Was he actually fucking scared of her? ...Was he fucking patronizing her? "Are you joking right now?"

"No, I mean, I do! Fuck, I mean, I'm–I'm all for the date." Naruto hushed the word, his eyes darted at the corner of the van – fucking Blitzø; as per usual he already did something that wigged out the guy she was interested in – before he looked at her again. He hesitated and his eyes drifted away while a claw scratched the marks on his cheek. "I just, I wanted to make sure you-you didn't feel forced to, or – I mean, I'm pretty good at reading people and you don't seem like the type to – Shit, I'm not trying to say I'd ever think you're shallow–! ...Fuck, I suck at this."

His shoulders slumped and his head hung by the end of the tirade.

...Oh. Well, fuck. Looks like she wasn't the only one that was worried about the whole 'status' thing. She gently reached out, but stopped because what the fuck was she doing?

His insecurities weren't her issue! She didn't need to fucking hold his hand – figuratively or literally, even if she really wouldn't mind doing the latter, or more – or breech his personal space to talk to him. Still, she could tell that he was open to it; his throat was displayed, his arms were limp, his adorable-as-fuck tail hadn't wriggled in at least fifty seconds, which should be a fucking crime.

Assured by her read of his posture – she worked with fucking assassins and grew up in a 'troubled kids' orphanage; she fucking knew body language – she powered through and put a hand on his arm. Immediately, his goddamn blue eyes focused back on her plain red and her knees went weak. His nostrils flared – scenting her, he was scenting her; fuck that did something for her on a base level – and he tensed at her touch. She had his attention and she wanted to keep it.

"Did I fucking stutter?"

"...No?"

"No." She smirked and pushed his arm. Then, she leaned back and crossed her arms. "So...tomorrow?"

Oh, fuck, no, not that smile. Fucking shit ass, her insides were already so out of whack from the past two minutes, and her knees were going to give out. And–Yep, fucking-fuckity-shit-fuck there was the same goddamn meltdown that happened the last fucking time she saw this fucking smile.

"Tomorrow."

His voice was lower and his blue eyes seemed just fucking brighter and his scent was just so fucking good and–Fuck, was he getting closer? She felt the faint warmth of his breath on her face, there was a hint of salt there and some kind of sweet hint. Oh, oh fuck, was this happening? Shit, did her makeup look good? She should've touched it up before she finished locking up! Was her breath okay? His was fine, no, it was fucking great! He's so close, she could smell her own breath as it mingled with his and–dammit, that's so hot. Except his nose isn't, their noses were touching. Their noses were touching and his was just as cold as hers was, maybe more, it felt great!

This was happening, this was happening, this was happening and Loona was so fucking okay with it!

"Loony, come on! Get in the–What the fuck are you doing back here?!"

Fucking. Typical! Loona snarled and rounded on Blitzø with the full intent to vacate his position within the Immediate Murder Professionals' staff. A gentle clawed hand curled around her shoulder and she withheld herself from the attack she was fully prepared to act on. A warm muzzle brushed against the notch in her ear – oh, fuck, that felt so good; he had to do that again, Loona would fucking insist on it – and a rumble emitted from his chest.

It almost drowned out Blitzø's demand that he "get the fuck away," and fucking somehow made the Imp freeze in place, when the rumble rose to a tingling body-shaking volume. Then, it quieted and her mind cleared.

"...Tomorrow." The hushed repeat was accompanied by a soft squeeze on her shoulder. It was more than a reassurance, it was a fucking promise. One she'd hold him to. The haze of fury bled away into a cool simmering anger. Right, okay. Tomorrow.

Loona let her hackles drop a bit and she huffed before she – very fucking reluctantly – pulled away from the Foxfiend to get in the van. She climbed into the passenger seat and glared into the mirror at the smirks on her coworkers' faces.

"The fuck are you two shits smirking at?"

"Nuthin'" Millie fucking sucked at lying. The fucking giggle that followed only cemented that.

"He's so out of your league." Fatty sighed. Loona snarled at him and she clutched her arms. Insensitive little shit – she already fucking knew that. Stolas' brat, who looked as thrilled to be here as Loona normally would feel, snorted.

"S'what I said about her."

Alright, that was flattering. Loona tipped her head slightly to that when their eyes met in the mirror and then glanced at the Prince, who shifted in his seat. He gave her a weak smile and a thought occurred to her.

"Hey, er, your majesty...What's the whole section about Hellhounds lacking magic about?"

"Oh, it's an incomplete sect I never finished transcribing before my Grimoire was filled – wait, have you been reading it?"

"Someone has to operate the portal for these idiots." Loona nodded at Millie and her Fatty. She flexed her claws and then turned in her seat to look him in the eye. "So, what gives? Is there more?"

"It's a very old study, I admit, but pretty accurate for most purposes." The way he held her gaze had her a little unnerved. His head tilted and he smiled, even as his emissive red eyes narrowed. "You must be Blitzy's Loony-Toony he likes to go on about. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

An-n-nd this conversation is over. Loona decided, whipping back around to start staring at her phone. She would light a smoke, but they were on the clock and the Fatty always got so fucking uppity whenever she lit one up in the office.

Blitzø caught his breath from the strange feeling that overcame him, only to lose it again when an orange hand wrapped around his throat and he was slammed into the back of his company van.

"Ow! What the fuck, shitstain?!" He glared at the assailant–Oh, shit, right, it's the same fucker that kidnapped his Loony! He'd caught them in the middle of–Oh, this fucker was dead, fat wallet or not! Blitzø grabbed the wrist that held him aloft and struggled to break the hold. "I'm going to rip you a fucking new one, you child molesting, oversized–"

Unholy shit–What the fuck is that feeling?! The fire. The Fire! The Fire was everywhere! Fizz–Where was Fizz? Where were the horses!? Where was Mom and Barbie–?!

He was back outside the office, breathing fast, staring into two white voids. Oh. Right. The Kidnapper Twink Fuck was also apparently a Duke of Hell. Right, those guys tended to have...weird powers or some shit. And considering how real that felt...Fuck, this guy might have time travel or some shit. Blitzø did not want to relive that night; not when he was this fucking sober.

"Are you listening now, or do I need to look for something else to get your fucking attention?" With a growl, Blitzø reluctantly nodded. The Prick Kidnapper Fuck narrowed his glowing eyes and bared fucking teeth at him. "Good! Considering the fucking stacks I dropped on you last week, you should be fucking listening to me right the fuck now. So here's what's going to happen: You're going to shut the fuck up about what you just saw–No, I am fucking talking right now, Imp. So listen!"

Okay, well, that was the tone sick Noble fucks tended to have whenever they got classist and murdery. Blitzø didn't fear death, but he wasn't fucking ready for it and didn't get this far in life by tempting fate. A glistening black claw pressed on Blitzø's chest.

"You're going to let what happen slide, you're going to get your little red ass in the fucking van, and you're going to do the fucking job that Stolas hired you for." He was released and fell to the ground. Blitzø hacked to catch his breath, but he was hefted back up to his knees by that same fucking spine that was super sensitive – how the fuck did this sonovabitch even know about that, that's the second time he snagged it so easily! – and glared at by blue eyes. "If you hassle Loona about this shit, I will end your 'career' on the fucking spot! Do you understand me, Blitzø Buckzo?"

"...How the fuck do you know that name?"

"I'm the Duke of Gluttony, dumbass. Fucking figure it out." Then his spine was released and the back door of the van popped open. Blitzø whipped around to glare and growl at the Duke, who was half in the Van. He stopped and glared down at him. "I'll sit as far the fuck away from you as I can; try to show me the same courtesy."

The back door slammed shut.

"Don't do me any fucking favors, asshole!" Blitzø snapped as he got to his feet and dusted himself off. He scowled. "Fucker needs to stay the fuck away from my Loony; all those fucking Nobles are the fucking same. Use 'em and lose 'em, fucking typical."

As much as he hated to admit it, the Kidnapper Fuck had a point. He had a job to do and he'd do it. After, though, he was going to make sure Loony stayed the fuck away from that pedophile ass. He scowled and walked awkwardly to the Van's driver's seat.

Fucker would be a fucking nine if he wasn't into my little girl. Goddammit, now I'm horny and angry. He scowled and climbed into the van, grumbling under his breath. He checked the mirrors, glanced at Loona – she was staring at her phone, and growled when she caught him staring; good, she still had her 'game face' on – and then the rest of the group.

"Alright, fuckers, are we ready for a good time! Where to, Stolas?" He gave a grin to the Noble, pointedly ignoring the giant as fuck Kidnapper in the back of his van. Damn, he looked even bigger compared to the rest of the assholes in here. ...Wait, that was Horny Blitzø talking. Focus, Stolas is here and he'll probably be down for a quickie if they can swing it–

"Loo Loo Land, if you'd please, Blitzy."

"Loo Loo Land!?" He, and Millie, repeated. He glared at Millie's too wide of a smile and then at Stolas. "...I'm sorry, I must've misheard you, you meant Lu Lu World, right?"

"Nope! Loo Loo Land. My daughter and I have such darling memories of visiting Lord Mammon's park, don't we Tavia?"

"Fucking kill me."

Preach, kid. Preach.

"...Are you sure you don't want to upgrade?" Blitzø smiled weakly. He would so rather not have an angry bathroom fuck with Stolas at that fucking theme park.

"Blitzø, please take us to Loo Loo Land." Stolas repeated, a certain weight was in his request. Ugh, this fucker wanted to bottom sometime today at the worst fucking place in the Underworld, didn't he?!

"Fucking–Fine!" Blitzø growled as he shifted out of park. "You're only a fucking Prince, I'd figure you'd have better fucking taste…"

"Don't we all?" Every fucking breathing individual in the Van – outside of himself and Stolas – muttered. Wait, if all of them said it – that was a lot of shared looks between Millie and Moxxie, and Stolas' brat and her fuckwad of a bodyguard, while Loona smiled after she glanced up at the mirror; the fuck was that about? – except for him and Stolas...Oh, those bastards were talking about him weren't they!? He floored the gas and looked into the back to glare at everyone – Loona was just following a joke, she was exempt – that spoke up. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

"Blitzy, the road! Please watch the road!"

"Oh, we're fine–"

"Incoming tree, dead ahead." The Noble Fuck he hated on principle deadpanned.

"No there–SHIT!" Blitzø swerved to avoid the sudden fucking tree that had sprouted out of the road. He leaned out the window to cuss at that couple. "You've got six months until Sinasmas! Fucking wait until last minute like the rest of us!"

"This might be a better ride than anything at that fucking park." Stolas' brat grumbled around a smirk. Well, at least the kid had taste. She turned in her seat to address her bodyguard. "Ten bucks we hit someone pulling into the lot."

"Hey, fuck you brat! Sit down!" Blitzø glared at the girl. He did not need the Pointless Fuckwad to get any sort of air-time on his fucking job.

"Retiree, crossing the street." Loona warned dryly.

"Wha–Goddammit!" Blitzø swerved again and glared at the cursing old Imp that he almost dinged. Once more, he leaned out the window. "You count your lucky stars my daughter cares more about your life than I do!"

"Bold assumption." Loona scoffed. "I'd rather not spend more of the fucking budget for repairs on the van. Again."

Stolas' brat and her plus one snorted. Blitzø scowled at them and focused on driving to his least favorite place in existence.

"That was Moxxie's fault, and that's why he isn't fucking driving."

"You had a gun in my face and were holding my wife hostage!"

"Wait, are you fucking serious?" Goddammit, Moxxie! Do not give that fucker any more ammo than he already had! The Noble Fuckwad's ears were up and he leaned over the back seat to look at Millie. "And you still work for this asshole?"

"I mean, he didn't actually do much, just winged me and sat on me. I've had a lot worse workin' on the farm back home." Thank you, Millie! You are so getting a fucking pay raise...and Moxxie, consequently, was getting docked. Heh, business savvy, you come in yet again to make things work in Blitzø's favor. Then the little Imp bitch turned to smile at him. "So, Lord Naru–"

"Ugh, please don't. If you're not going to cuss me out, just call me Naruto. I'm on the clock, just like you."

"B-But we're–!" Whatever the fuck Moxxie was going to say was drowned out by Millie's laugh. "Well, ain't that mighty relaxed of ya? Course, I shouldn't be too surprised, ya did deliver us coffee that one time."

"That's right, I did do that." Who the fuck was he smiling at in the mirror? Blitzø gave him a middle finger without taking his eyes off of the road. Take that, Asshole. "I think I've made more money doing that than babysitting the Princess here."

"Fuck off." You tell 'im, kiddo!

"Octavia, please mind your manners while we're in public. The last thing we need is for your mother to catch wind of an unsavory rumor." Stolas rolled his eyes. Rough, pal, marrying a total frigid bitch that looked like a fucking knockout. Blitzø bet she'd peg if asked.

"Yeah, that's what Mom will be pissed about. My foul mouth."

Huh, wonder what that's about. Meh, not important. There was a truck merging into his lane.

"Fucking–Blinkers, asshole! Use 'em!"

Ugh, Blitzø hated Friday traffic in Pride.

"Well, that could've gone fucking worse." Naruto muttered as he and Loona sat atop the I.M.P. van to watch Loo Loo Land burn. The second they arrived, he sent clones with Stolas and Octavia and looked around himself. It was exactly what Octavia implied it to be.

Outside of his extravagant concerts and contests, Mammon's shit was always a joke and a half. A few centuries back, he and Bee had a gas coming up with terrible products they never planned to sell, pretend to patent them through Greed's finance offices, and laugh themselves silly when the obvious knock offs were marketed a month ahead of the official products' 'launch' dates. The cost of fruitless endeavors such as that always pissed the Sin of Greed off something fierce.

"You don't think destroying the property of a Sin is bad?" Loona asked, lowering her phone from where it had been held up to record the destruction.

"Nah, Mammon's shit always expires fast. Made cheap to make profit, I guess." He shrugged. He glanced at her and his tail started to wriggle–he quickly adjusted himself to sit on it. "So...About tomorrow."

"I swear–" Loona turned to frown at him, red eyes slowly glowing. "I told you that I was–"

"No, I got that." He chuckled and leaned back on his palms to look up at the sky. "When do you want me to pick you up and where?"

"...You've got a car?"

"I could get one." Legally or not was up to decide later. It wasn't like there was a strict legal system down Here. He shrugged as he looked at her pretty red eyes. "But I figured you'd want to be more discreet about it. I was thinking I'd use the House Seal to pick you up."

"Oh." There was a soft thump-thump-thump-thump before her tail went still. So fucking cute. She played with her hair for a minute, before she brushed it out of her face. "I dunno, I guess...A block or so outside of Hothead's is an alley...We walked past it on, uh, my birthday."

"That'd work. Nine?" Naruto fought off the grimace his tail almost caused when it strained to wriggle against his ass and his eye twitched. Calm down. We're ironing out details, be ecstatic later.

"Yeah, um, that's-that's cool." Her lips pulled back into a little smile and she looked back at her phone. Fucking shit, she was so cute. And her hips from this angle were–Whoa there, hold on. That awesome familiar-but-not 'vibe' was back with a fucking vengeance! Dare he risk taking a second to figure it out? ...Might as well.

He took a deep breath in...

"Ah, there you are, Lord Naruto!"

...And immediately lost the scent when Stolas walked over to the van with Octavia in his arms. Naruto stared at them with flared nostrils for a second and then glared over at one clone that popped up from a flaming piece of wreckage...with an employee in an apple suit in his arms. Oh, okay, so they were playing rescue. Fine, whatever. He rolled his head back over to Loona, opened his mouth to say something and–Oh, that train of thought not just derailed, it took the whole fucking line with it.

Her hands were not just calloused, but soft and her vanilla scent was just amazing. Her crimson eyes were half-lidded and her lips were still curled up into her cute as fuck little smile. Her claws grazed along his snout and tickled the sensitive nodes near his nose. Fuck, that felt amazing.

"Tomorrow."

The soft utterance was a promise and demand at once. Her nose pushed on his – and he just forgot how to breathe. Took a second to remember that and where he was. What realm is this again? Hell? Certainly not, because Hell was supposed to be absent of angels, but the creature in front of him definitely was nothing less than.

"Yeah." His tail slipped free and he couldn't give two shits who saw it wriggle. He leaned into the cool press of her nose against his and almost dared to let his eyes fall shut. "Tomorrow."

Reluctantly, they pulled away. Their tails thumped the Van for a moment before Naruto sighed and rolled off of his perch. He landed on his feet and arched a brow at the face Stolas made: his beak was pinched, his lips wobbled and his emissive red eyes seemed to curl.

"The fuck are you staring at?"

"Puppy love."

Every lesson in life, both this one and the last, became second to the one he learned on his first venture out of the village those many years ago. A mission in which he travelled with his friend turned traitor turned killer; the loud crush who didn't reciprocate and made sure he knew it; Kakashi-sensei; and the drunk off his ass, foul-mouthed, egotistical bridge builder. It was there his sensei almost had to pound into his head the very, very important rule about escort missions.

Do not kill your client. Do not kill your client. Do not kill your client.

...Even now, the struggle was real.

AN: Yeah, so what difference was Loona's presence here than in the episode? Not much, maybe an extra body to snag would-be kidnappers. What? The butterfly effect doesn't have to be so fucking drastic people; and they both agreed that they had to be serious today.

Tomorrow is a totally different chapter.

And remember, all, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction.

Happy Independence Day, to all of my readers!