Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

The One With A Hospital Visit

Birds chirped. Wind spiraled.

"Naruto!" "Sasuke!"

Collision.

Light faded.

Darkness rose. A deep chill froze his fingers. Toes weren't even a thought, they'd clearly fallen off long ago. There was a faint drip of water. The ground was drenched in it. He floated on the surface. Weightless, peaceful–A roar echoed underground and was suddenly silenced.

Blue eyes cracked open.

"I'm...Alive?"

He tilted forward and his feet scraped the ground beneath the water. A quick swirl around caused a ripple that rang out from his armpits. The sewers of his mind, a mani-mana–Pervy Sage claimed that it was caused by his childhood. Yeah, he was a little lonely growing up...but that didn't mean he thought himself as a stinkin' sewer!

"This isn't–I can't die yet!" He waded in the direction of the Seal. It took years, months, eons, weeks, days, millennia, seconds before he found it.

Torn. Open.

But not empty.

"F...Fox?" He stepped up to the gate. A boiling creature covered in blistering skin stared at him beyond the bars, lifelessness in the voids that were its eyes, but warm with life. He hesitated, then he grabbed the bars.

They creaked open.

The creature opened his mouth.

The gates shattered.

It flooded into his mouth, throat, lungs, chakra, heart, brain. His body burst, reformed, died, revived, split, united. Fire burned through cold veins and lightning charged for his core only to cut by the roar of a storm

A boy screamed in the silence of his death.

Hatred clung to the chance of life it was offered.

A God of Death closed the account and vanished.

Heaven mourned the fall of the last pure soul.

The Big G awoke with an idea.

The world turned into Hell.

Loona followed the Foxfiend through the brush, his story fresh in her head.

He claimed to be from a world of humans, of 'ninja', with powers not unlike that Hellborn and Angels commanded, torn apart by war for hundreds if not thousands of years. To have been cursed with being a living cage for a demon of immense power for his entire life, and apparently long into his death. It sounded like a nice little fairy tale that Wrath-born demons would tell their kids.

If it were true, why didn't it get talked about? What's to gain from the secret? Where's the evidence behind it to prove his claim? Was it just part of some kind of elaborate prank? Goddamn last question clause. The bastard fucking knew she would have more questions when he was done.

Even if it weren't a steaming load of shit, she'd still probably stick around the private Foxfiend. His scent still made her feel hot, his touch was borderline addicting, and his taste was fucking divine. She had him dead to rights with the Kiss and she all but claimed him as hers with the nip that drew blood. Three 'Boops' happened and every time the same fucking electric shiver went up her spine. Lucifer, being around him set her fur on edge and caused her heart to race.

More, more, more! Base instincts wanted him fucked, wanted to seal the deal with the carnal dance, to lay the stud and push out pups for his House – she was not Blitzø! She didn't want to dive into a relationship for shits and giggles. She wanted to start one, yeah, but she wanted it to be hers, to be the one thing that Blitzø couldn't claim to have given her because he thought 'she deserved it'. She didn't want a pity fuck anymore – those were a dime a fucking dozen at any shitty bar, which Hell had by the fucking thousands – she wanted him. At least, she was mostly sure she did – if he was fucking with her about his age, about how the Foxfiend Naru-Lzebub came to be, she may have to revisit that evaluation.

Any further consideration of their relationship's progression was halted when he stopped beside a tree.

"Shh." Naruto put a clawed finger to his lips – warm, soft, lips that had a divine earthy taste – before he parted a bush to reveal the Grey Stags of Gluttony. He nodded to it and she stepped up beside him to look, her ears flushed as their tails brushed each other mid-wag or midst-wiggle.

Despite the questions on her mind, Loona was a simple creature at the end of the day. She licked her lips at the bounty before her...Until she saw them eat. The Stags of Gluttony lacked true stomachs, rather they had a slit in their gullet in its place, so whatever they ate from the forested dirt just fell right back to the ground, chewed and lathered in saliva. It would likely then be picked up from the ground by a different Stag and the cycle would repeat ad infinitum unless outside forces interfered.

"Ugh, and I want to eat that?" Her ears went flat as her lips curled in disgust. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Hey, don't knock it until you try it." His gorgeous eyes twinkled as she looked into them. Then all too soon they were averted to look at the Stags. The twinkle was gone and a gleam replaced it. "We need to move fast to catch them. When you reach it, tear its throat out, rip a limb off or leave a deep gash. If you don't get a killshot on these things, they'll fight back."

"...You do know I'm fucking employed by assassins, right?" Loona asked. His ear flicked towards her and his sinfully delicious lips pulled up into a smile. Her eyes narrowed, he wasn't seriously going to–?

"Aren't you the receptionist?" This...cheeky–! Being cute would only save him from so many ass-whoopings. Taking a dig at her job was definitely crossing a line.

"Are you saying you think I can't kill one of those things?" She bared her teeth. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and flashed some of his teeth himself.

"Don't put words in my mouth, Loona."

Oh, if he kept growling at her like that she'd put something in his mouth–Wait, focus. He didn't disagree with her; he did think she couldn't handle this!

"I didn't hear a 'no'." She growled at him. He turned his head away from the bush to meet her glare and his nostrils flared in a fury.

"Are you trying to challenge me?"

Fuck, that growl. She wanted it inside her – whoa, easy there Hellhound instincts. You're just hungry. Get a snack and then reconsider chasing Foxfiend dick–Tail! His tail! Loona wanted to bite his tail! ...That didn't sound good in her head, she definitely shouldn't say it aloud. She tore her eyes off of the Foxfiend and glared at the grazing stags. It was a small herd, seven at most.

"Try nothing." Her red eyes narrowed as they looked back at the beautiful oceans that were glaring at her. "I bet I could kill more than you with just my fangs and claws."

His snarl was hushed and he clenched his jaw as one of stags looked up towards them. The forest around them was silent aside from the Grey Stags' noisy eat-chew-dump grazing pattern. A minute passed, and the scanning stag rejoined its herd. Naruto took a deep breath through his nose, the quick rumble in his chest made her tail flick, before he spoke again.

"Have you ever hunted Grey Stag before, Loona?"

"No." Her lip pulled up, a toothy smirk and narrowed eyes. "But I challenged you, Naru-lzebub. What's wrong? Are you scared of losing...Bitch?"

A bit of an overstep, an-n-n-nd here he is in her space – Boop?! No, wait, don't Boop! Not now! Loona wanted this win to be legit! – and snarled. The clawed hands, lean forearms, thick triceps and deceptively tight biceps flexed as his tail snapped about like a viper behind him. Come on, come on, he needed to fucking say something before she just fucking jumps him.

"Name. Your. Terms." Fuck, that growl was so fucking hot. Wait, no, don't submit! Challenge!

"It's the first fuckin' date, isn't it? Let's keep it basic." Loona growled back as she held his gaze and fought to keep her tail from going absolute crazy as he huffed his warm breath into her face. "Winner gets one request from the loser."

"Decided on victory?" Either mount up or stop fucking growling, god-damn!

"No stacking bets and nothing weird." Loona gave a curt nod. She held a hand up and glared into his too goddamn pretty eyes. "Deal?"

A toothy smirk spread up Naruto's muzzle before his hand encased hers. Fuck, that was a big hand and it was so warm. Hard to believe not ten minutes ago it caressed her thigh and stroked her hip in a delightfully distracting manner. Not to mention the way it raked through her hair while she laid on his chest. ...After lunch, they were doing that again.

"You're on." Dammit, their noses were so close for one last Boop – No, Loona! Stay strong. You know what's at stake here. That thought on her mind, she did a quick evaluation of their respective skills, or rather of what she knew.

He outclassed her in reach and strength – the latter of which should not make her as fucking hot as it did – and he had more experience with the Stags than she did. Not to mention his apparent adept skill in magic, what with him cutting trees down in clusters from a distance and the fucking clones he could spawn. However, she grew up fighting in The Kennel that the orphanage ran on the side and her stuff was always at risk of being stolen if she didn't defend it. Blitzø, for as shit of a job he did early on after adopting her, gave her a few pointers and experience fighting other Hellborn.

So, with that all on her mind, Loona came to a decision. She tightened her grip, pulled herself closer to him and grazed his chin with her teeth. Then, with him recovering from that, she twisted and threw him over her shoulder back into the brush away from the Stags. She didn't even wait to see where he landed or how, and tore through the branches behind her with a snarl.

One Stag had its throat torn out with ease and Loona was glad she picked brighter, least favorite clothes she had in her closet. That blood spray was no joke. Loona tasted the blood on her finger and wow, fucking yum. Another larger glob was licked off of her palm and she felt her tail wag. First kill, and she took the lead. Heh, and these things were considered dangerous creatures of Gluttony? They were such easy pickings.

She'd noticed that the small herd surrounded her with glowing red eyes.

"Fuck, that was cheap as shit." Naruto grumbled as he stepped out of the wood. Her ear flicked towards him as she kept moving her gaze around the herd. She jumped back when one rushed her position. Ha! Take that you–Wait. ...Oh, wha–?!

"What the fuck?!" Loona snarled, ears straight up and her eyes wide as the one that rushed her immediately started chowing down on her kill. The weird, grazing bites tore surprisingly well into the corpse. The others of the Herd moved to join it.

Only for it to collapse when its head suddenly vanished off of its body. The Herd paused once more, patient as they sought the smell of death of their kin.

"Yeah, remember when I said they fight back?" Shit, she didn't even see him move. His right side was drenched in the Stag's blood, the head he'd just removed still in his hand as he looked it over. His blue eyes drifted to her, his blood-splattered muzzle pulled back into another smirk. "Fair warning: they will eat anything they can bite into."

"Good to know." Loona smirked back at him. She lunged forward with another roar and drove two claws into the necks of the smaller two on the edge. She ripped meat and veins from the bodies and let them drop. Her tail swooshed as she tossed one chunk of venison into her mouth and swallowed it in a gulp. Disgusting diet aside, these things didn't taste half bad. She downed the other chunk and smirked at her date. "Three-to-one."

He growled at her and his tail snapped about so hard behind him it cracked the air. The four stags stomped their hooves, and the eight point buck that was the largest of the bunch suddenly found itself downed on the other side of the small patch of wood, sans one rear leg. The Foxfiend stood a step behind where it had been, a torn leg in his gasp. He lifted it to his mouth and took a well deserved bite, staining the ratty white shirt he wore a further darker red.

Hot blood rushing through her veins, she ran at the Stag that decided she wasn't interested in her double kill. Its last mistake. She pounced and carried it down, her jaw around its skull as her claws dug into its hide. It bleated and kicked at the air, unable to reach her, as she pulled and tore into the crown of its head. Her teeth pierced into bone with a loud crunch and its fight ended with one last twist.

The last Stag that she had written off, rather certain her date would take that kill while she focused on a gore-filled finisher with the one beneath her and cemented her win of their wager, suddenly barreled into her. Plate-like teeth harder than steel clamped onto her shoulder and pulled, not only tearing fur, but taking a surface level of flesh. She yelped, more surprised than hurt, and rolled away before she stared down the small-horned buck that chewed her tougher hide.

Furious, she lowered herself to her haunches and growled. Her eyes were focused on the threat-prey that challenged her so blatantly. It stomped the ground and stepped over the corpse of her last kill. She bared teeth and tensed, ready to lunge again, as it lowered its head to brandish the serrated antlers atop its head, sharper than any of the others. Right, okay, she needed to perform a feint, then.

Loona snarled and launched herself forward, the Grey Stag held its ground and kept its head low, and a second before she reached its antler, she twisted on her left hand, pushed and jumped over its attempted strike that left a slight cut in her flesh. She landed in the corpse of her last kill, splattered with remains and slipped on the withered intestines. She failed to bite back a yelp when her right leg let out an uncomfortable and loud crick.

Fuck, that was either sprained or fractured. That would take a minute to heal.

The four-point Stag rounded and lumbered forward, intent to charge this time and claim the kills she made as its own. The most infuriating thing about this was that the Fucker wouldn't even appreciate it! She snarled and tossed some guts at the Stag to blind it and let her reposition – it ate that shit right out of the fucking air, because of course it did!

The blood-covered Foxfiend roared as he blindsided the Stag and dug his fangs into its rear. The ground was torn up beneath his feet he hijacked their momentum and reared back to his full height once he stopped. His hands grabbed the Stag under the ribs and his head pulled back on the ass it was biting into. The damned beast was ripped apart, and both Hellhound and Foxfiend were showered in its blood.

Naruto dropped the ass from his mouth and threw the torso to the side. He stalked over to her and scented the air before he knelt at Loona's side. His hand was offered to hers and again she took it. He helped her to her feet and steadied her when she almost dropped again with an unintentional whine. Fuck, that was a fractured leg.

"You alright?"

"Slipped and landed wrong– Fuck!" Loona whimpered when she tried to put any weight on it. She winced and leaned against him to keep herself steady. His violet and not-quite-coconut scent mixed well with fresh kill. His muzzle rubbed against hers and–Oh, yes. There's that soothing rumble.

"Well, we can't just stick around. The 'pests will be here to clean up soon." He muttered. Well, that was a little foreboding, what the fuck is a 'pest'–Whoa! Loona wrapped her arms around his neck to correct the sudden quick bout of vertigo and scowled at him.

"I was fine." She could walk, er, limp just fine! If he wanted to help her, that was fine, but carrying was definitely not something to do without permission! Before she could finish protesting, he started walking away from their kills.

A glance over his shoulder–So many Foxfiends covered in stag-blood were gathering the venison. She almost wanted to stay and watch, up until one looked up and stuck his tongue out at her. Well, fuck that guy then, and not in a good way.

"Yeah, but I have an excuse to carry you now." Cheeky fuc–Boop! Yes! Loona sighed as his cool, slightly sticky nose pressed against hers. Sweet, sweet violet and almost-coconut wafted into her nose, along with a hint of death and meat. Her tail wagged full blast and from the corner of her eyes, she could see his tail wriggle behind him. "Mm, you won. What'cha want?"

You. Base instincts weren't wrong. Not the terms, though. Also, she had to clarify something before she got to it.

"Did you fucking let me win?" She muttered before she gently licked at the blood on his face. The scent was a little distracting and she was curious – Yum, Stag-flavored Foxfiend might be her new favorite thing. His ears folded back and he looked away.

"...Little bit." Well, at least he didn't lie to her outright. That proved to be promising for their future relationship.

"Your mistake." Loona hummed and started cleaning his face a little more earnestly, mostly to get more of that delicious Stag-blood with a hint of Foxfiend inside her gut. A jostle almost made her stop, but the taste was damn near addicting. The rumble that shook his body mixed with her favorite sound in the world and his tongue – flat, thick, smooth, wet, warm, yes, please! – swept over a part of her jaw.

Unholy shit, she felt like she was on fire.

"So?" He asked around a breath of hot air, he was seated against a tree and had her cradled in his lap. Loona didn't mind, just made it easier to bring his muzzles down for another Boop, which she did. Fucking bliss, thy name is Boop – oh, hey, a kiss? Yeah, a kiss works, too. This one was kept brief, disappointingly short and delectably sweet, because one of his hands grazed her leg.

"Mm-wua-fuck! Shit." She hissed as she flinched back. She glared at the damaged leg as if it killed her future child, which was totally possible if it got infected. Stupid weak-ass immune system, why the fuck did Hellhounds get so shafted when it came to Hellborn perks? She needed to file a fucking complaint with someone!

"We should take that to get looked at." Naruto rumbled as he leaned forward to – She growled when he sniffed it. "Might be infected, same with the wound on your shoulder."

"Or we could just let it go and eat the deer. It'll get better if it's left alone," Loona offered. Half-lidded blue eyes looked up into her red. She bared teeth and growled. "We are not going to Sloth over a stupid fracture."

"...You want that to be your favor for the bet? Because that's the only fucking way I'll consider it."

Fuck. She didn't want to waste that. She had ideas for that favor like him being her masseuse for a day, or her personal bitch for a day – duties including sexual requests and mundane runs – or even making a goddamn sinsta–ugh– Voxtagram account so she didn't have to keep finding so many fucking thirst or hate posts when she searched for him online.

"...I want another favor."

"You want an additional favor? For me taking you to Sloth's hospital of my own free will?"

"It's not out of my free will."

"Point." He admitted and she smirked. Good, now she didn't have to use her trump card...is what she had hoped until he kept talking. "But I'll need another–"

"I haven't gotten a Hellbies shot in three years."

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"It's scheduled for next year." Loona shrugged. Sucked for Future-Loona, but right now, she doesn't have to worry about it. If she can avoid a hospital visit, she sure as shit would.

"Oh my fucking–Yep. We're going to the Hospital." He was on his feet and there was a flare of energy to her left. The glowing white Seal of Lzebub emerged into existence on a wide oak. A portal swirled into existence and showed the purple-aired Ring of Sloth. Uh, wait, hold on. She wasn't ready for this. Her claws tightened on his neck and she felt that familiar tremble start up as she remembered the horrors of the Orphanage's Nurse Office.

That portal was getting closer. She could already smell antiseptic.

"Nope!"

"Wh–Easy, Loona! Hey, c'mon, calm down! You'll get your favor, alright?! Just c'mon–Fuck, ow, watch the elbow!"

"For the last fucking time, no, Mam! Just because you were right about which of them would wake up first does not mean you get to fucking name my firstborn!"

"Oh, that is such a load of Bullshit!"

"If I have to tell the both of you to shut up, again, I'll have Satan himself throw you out the window on the twentieth floor."

"And he'll do it, too! I'll record it, remix it, and put it on a jumbo screen."

"Wait, what the fuck am I doing now?"

"Throwing Mams out a window if he keeps trying to fight Luci."

"Shh, shh, guys! He's waking up. Oh, look at his cute little face."

His eyes cracked open and stared up at the three headed rooster that stared back in the bright lavender room.

"Hey, there, kiddo. Welcome to Hell."

Huh. He-ell. Weird name. Shit, he was tired. His eyes closed and when they opened again. Other faces hovered over him with the rooster.

One looked like some kind of short clown, another a fat clown, both of them tried to subtly shove the other out of the way.

The flaming rooster was covering the center head's cheeks and mouth with his hands while beside him a yellow fox whose hair was going nuts was cooing at him. Behind those two was a giant fuck-off red dragon that glared at him.

Alright, fuck you too, fuckin' lizard.

A sudden blurry giant head craned in to get in his face, blocking his view of the others. The void in its eyes flashed until they matched his' blue.

"Get out of his face, Levi! Oh my–Have you ever interacted with a Hellborn child before?"

"Uh...No? No one here has, that's why I'm trying to figure him out."

"Christ's sake–Back up, you're crowding around him!" the short clown ordered. "Out, everyone get the fuck out! Fuck me, if you're going to be this bad for some nobody, no fucking way am I letting you near Lillith!"

"Thanks fuckers, I didn't even fucking do anything this time!" The giant red dragon grumbled as he stepped out. The blurry blue-eyed giant glanced at him one last time before it strode out. The fat clown grumbled something about profit and...so tired…

His eyes opened and found the Rooster, the Gold Fox and the Short Clown still in the room.

"Hey there...Sport!" The clown grinned with sharp fuck-off teeth. He stared at the smile. It reminded him of a walking shark that wanted to...shave his legs? Why did that sound scary for multiple reasons?

"Oh, fuck, he looks like he's gonna cry. Shh, no, sweetheart, don't cry." The Rooster cooed.

"Wow, Luci, you're going to be such a shit dad." The Gold Fox laughed.

"Oh, yeah, think you're so fucking good at it?!" Clown man looked like he was going to turn into a giant tomato...and then he sprouted horns. Huh. That's...that's new. "Then you can take him!"

"Wait, fucking what?!"

"Uh, Luce, I don't think that's a–"

"You fucking heard me, Bee!" The flaming-crowned, horned clown poked the Gold Fox in the face. "You found his fuckin...his fuckin 'egg' and brought it here after I told you to leave it the fuck alone. Well, Belle's got him pretty much fucking cleared, so what you fucking do best: Have fun! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work."

He left in a burst of flame that turned into a giant middle finger. Okay, Short Clown was a dick, but that was cool as shit! He'd definitely be the best Hokage if he learned how to do that! ...Hm.

What's a Ho-ka-ge? And why did he want to be one?

"Di–he just dumped this kid on me!? The fuck does he think he is?! That–That is so not fucking cool, Luci!"

"Hey, now Bee, I know you're upset–"

"Upset?! Ozzie, you think I'm upset?! Naw, bitch, you ain't fuckin' seen upset! I'll show you fuckin' upset!"

He watched the Gold Fox lose her shit and start to change into a giant...fuzzy...Hehe, he got it. Her name, her looks. She was just a giant fuzzy–

"Bee-ee!" He snorted. The two creatures' eyes turned to him as his vision started to go dark again. Before he succumbed to drug-induced slumber, he giggled a bit at the dance of colors he could see. It reminded him of Bee's hair, she was a pretty hairy bee. Ha!

"Duke Lzebub, come to the front desk. Duke Lzebub, to the front desk." The P.A. system demanded before it went quiet.

A slightly beat up Naruto opened his eyes. He was in the waiting room for St. An's, the largest and arguably busiest hospital in Sloth, if the thus far two hour wait was any indication. His fur was starting to feel grimy from the blood that caked over it. His left eye was slightly swollen from the hard elbow to the face his date dished out when she tried to escape getting medical help. He couldn't calm her down enough to get a 'Boop' in and he's pretty sure the only reason he got her through the portal was because she further damaged her leg. His scratched up arms were wound tight around the girl in question as she trembled, while he kept his muzzle by her notched ear and he rumbled into it.

"Loona, we're going in now, okay?" The responding whimper tore at his chest and he rubbed his chin against her head. When the whimpers lessened and her sweet vanilla scent lost most of the disgusting sour tastes of 'Fear' 'Pain' and 'Trauma' that mingled with it, he rose up to approach the desk and kept speaking softly to her. "I'm right here. It's okay. Shh-shh-shh."

"Duke Lzebub?" one of the Baphomet nurses asked once he got there. Her extropian eyes squinted at the chart in hand. "You requested...a walk-in checkup? Are you okay, sir?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. My, uh...er?" He glanced at Loona, unsure how to address her. They'd gone on one date, shit it was still the same date. He was confident enough to say that it was fucking terrible...mostly for her! Loona had to be introduced to Bee unprepared, they got into a small fight about his age – which wasn't anyone's business to begin with – and then she injured her leg hunting Grey Stags. Well, hopefully, they could stay friends. Thoughts about that could wait. "My, uh, friend here broke her leg while we were hunting Grey Stags."

"Oh, so that's what the bloodstains are." The nurse muttered before she began typing into her computer. Well, at least she had the professional courtesy not to ask. "Do we have identification to use? Does she have any family we should contact?"

They may have only had the one awful date, but Naruto was pretty damn certain Loona would, without a shadow of doubt, kill him if he let Blitzø find out about this.

"They're away on business." Maybe? She said something about having done something to keep Blitzø unaware. "Her name is Loona, alright?"

"Hellborn or Sinner?"

"Hellborn. She's a Hellhound."

"Does she have an owner?"

"Bitch–" Naruto growled, but stopped when the hound in his arms whimpered again. He closed his eyes and worked his jaw before he managed to grit out: "Just put her treatment under my plan."

"Sir, you know we can't do that without permission from her ow–"

Naruto snarled and turned to keep Loona curled in his side while he got in the nurse's face and let a portion of his True Form show. He felt the boiling push in his forehead as his ocelli pushed through the skin of his Restricted Form and a sharp burn as his lower jaw split to emulate mandibles. The sheep-like demon was now appropriately hyper focused on him, she trembled like a leaf and reeked of 'Mortal Terror'.

"I said put her on my fucking plan!"

"R-Right, sir! Y-Yes, sir!" The Baphomet nurse started typing frantically into her computer.

Naruto huffed and reverted, determined to ignore the migraine he now had from that small burst of power. He adjusted his hold on Loona again and rubbed his jaw along her head to quell the whimpers that had started up again. His eyes darted to the other nurses and orderlies that were frozen as they stared. His lip curled to expose his sharp teeth.

"Don't you people have fucking jobs to do?"

St. An's had never seen so much productivity in their office staff.

"U-Uh, s-sir?" Ah, the Baphomet was talking to him again. "You-your room is th-this way. Follow me."

"Fucking finally."

He followed the nurse and glared at anyone that got too close to them. He all but snarled at a group of Succubi physicians that had the fucking audacity to block the hallway while they went over their stupid fuck gossip. The whole trip took less than three minutes, but throughout it all, he kept his date's head tucked under his chin.

"Right in here," the Baphomet nurse said. Her misaligned eyes kept looking between him and Loona as he sat with her on the examination table. "Uh, the doctor will be with you–"

"You have five minutes before I go and find any doctor to make them do their fucking job." He warned. The nurse stared at him and he curled his lip again. "Did I fucking stutter?!"

She was gone – That's got to be the fastest Baphomet he's ever seen.

Naruto growled when the door slowly shut without a nurse to hold it open, and then went back to rumbling into the Hellhound's ear. So, he might not like Hospitals either. He was better at hiding it than Loona, but that was because he'd had it beaten into him – sometimes by his own hand, sometimes by the hands of others – that it was a necessary evil. If only there was a fucking unanimous ban on long wait periods for treatment.

I should not have to use my fucking royal status just to get my friend checked out sooner than an hour after we got here. He thought with a glare aimed at the wall.

"...Sorry..."

Naruto looked down at the Hellhound on his lap. That was the first word she'd said since he opened a portal from Gluttony. His rumble stopped and he adjusted his hold on her so he could see her face.

"For what?"

"This. Ruining the date." The Hellhound scowled. She gestured at her leg – which, shit, that legging was fully bled through. To say it did not look good would be an understatement. That doctor needed to get here A-S-A-P. – and growled. "If I hadn't twisted my fucking leg–"

Ooh, this was self-defeatist talk! He was good at dealing with that! Hm, but punching her in the face was probably the wrong call – even if his gut screamed that it was the Shinobi way to do it – so he settled on a softer method. His finger curled up at the claw and he lightly knocked the knuckle on her nose.

"Ow! What the sh–?!"

"You got molested by my sister, I didn't even remember to grab your fucking presents, and the whole stupid fucking Hunt was my idea." Naruto reminded her. She rubbed her face for a second before she huffed and lowered her hand. With the opportunity offered, he used the same assaulting finger to guide her muzzle up to meet him and leaned forward.

Boop-power, activate!

Naruto smiled at the Hellhound as her ears shot up and her cute dark tail gave a soft wag. He took in her gorgeous red eyes, the fine accents that dried blood left with her pretty white hair, and sweet vanilla scent that lingered on her fur. He was fully aware that the date was over and he fucked it up. If by some miracle he got another shot, he was just going to take her to fuckin' Ozzie's. A little embarrassment from the oversized Rooster would be worth showing her a good time.

Loona opened her mouth, to protest? To argue? He didn't and likely would never know, because there was an immediate knock at the door followed by the sound of the handle turning. Naruto dropped his smile and pulled back as the physician walked in.

"Hello! Go-good afternoon, Duke Lzebub. Lady Loona." The doctor smiled as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. He was an old, teal-furred Baphomet with two curved horns and obscured, thick milk-bottle glasses. He adjusted those glasses as he walked closer to them. "I'm Dr. Somna, I'm actually the head of the veterinary staff. I'll admit, I was expecting Prince Lzebub when Nurse Fetchit told us about a royal with a Hellhound situation. The last time she brought a Hellhound, he'd almost lost his e–My foulness, look at that break!"

The old doctor tottered forward and gently poked at Loona's leg. ...No sanitation, no questioning, just a fuckin' poke. What the fuck?

"That can't feel good, huh?"

The Hellhound in question snarled and Naruto had to wrap an arm around her side and pull her in close to keep her from moving from where she now sat between his legs. His jaw landed between her ears and took the fight out of her with a gentle rumble. He kept rumbling and glared at the physician.

"I can only keep this up for so long, Doctor."

"Oh, calm down, calm down. This isn't my first rodeo with an injured Hellhound, they're mostly bite over bark." Somna chuckled and walked over to the cabinets with the sink in the corner. He pulled a very colorful, almost childish step-stool out from beneath the sink and climbed onto the counter, before he reached into a large door. Various medical tools tossed left and right over his shoulders. "Let's see here...No, no, that's not it...uh-oh, that's expired! Oh, well...Ah, that'll help with setting the bone."

A bottle of Tom Plank's Lived Suture was set at Somna's hooves. Loona's ears whapped Naruto in the face when they went straight up.

"Set!?" She squeaked and, oh, he deserved a fucking medal for how well he handled the sudden blast of 'Fear' he had to swallow. He tightened his arms around her and started his rumble back up. Fuck, this was the longest he'd ever had to let it go.

"Yes, we have to set the bone. Don't want it to heal at an angle, do you?" Somna laughed as if he was funny. The Foxfiend growled at him before he ran his claws up and down Loona's side when her whimpers started back up.

"Don't listen to him, it'll be okay." He whispered. The Hellhound let out another whimper and he decided against any more possibly false platitudes.

"Aha! Here we are!" Somna called before he turned and pulled out a–

"What the actual fuck is that?!" Naruto cried at the sight of the giant as fuck syringe the Baphomet held over his head. Loona had gone concerningly still and her scent was all sorts of negative. That went without tasting the vibes that he knew were rancid and thick in the air.

"Well, in the questionnaire you filled out in the waiting room, you marked unvaccinated." Dr. Somna – who sure as shit needed to get his license re-evaluated – said, brandishing the oversized syringe like a broadsword. "I figure we can knock her out with the lifetime supply she's three years overdue for, pour the bourbon on the bone, set it and ship ya out before the day's done."

"...Fuck that!" He and Loona snapped as a united front. He pulled Loona close to him as eagerly as she scooted away from the approaching needle.

"Oh, come on, it's just a small prick." The doctor's glasses gleamed as he walked forward. "Quick and painless, you won't feel a thing! I promise!"

Loona's whimpers started to turn into growls and Naruto was half tempted to just let her go. Unfortunately, she still had that whole busted leg thing that he'd rather her not lose. Even if they didn't go on another date and just stayed friends, he was going to ogle her sexy legs. He didn't want any guilt associated with that...outside of the very miniscule guilt he'd have for objectifying her, but that's what happened when you grew up with a sexually liberal culture all around you.

How I've remained chaste this long...Oh yeah, there were those little the sporadic bouts of coma that fucking helped. Naruto thought with a snort before he kicked out at the Doctor when he tried to lunge forward.

"Back off, Lambchop!" He snarled before he looked at the growling Loona and then at the doctor. "I have a better idea."

AN: What's this? Did I just subvert the creative requirement that was used to justify Loona's silence during "Western Energy"?

Guess you'll have to find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

...Wait, hold on, what'd you say Steve? It's not that? ...That show ended when?! Did someone tell Toriyama ...He fuckin' died when?!

...I uh...I have to go make a few calls...

But remember, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction!