AN: FTR, there have been no double updates on my end. Yeah, it's been daily updates for me. It's a self-imposed challenge. I wanna see How Far I'll Go… See the line where the sky meets the sea? / It calls me / And no one knows how far it goes!
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
The One With Song Snippets
In all of his years working at St. An's Hospital, Dr. Ian Somna was pretty sure he'd seen it all. Every form of possible death, illness, and more, he'd witnessed it. That was without mentioning the occasional shenanigans the Seven Sins would involve themselves in. From the time Satan himself came down here to learn how to perform CPR because the Princess had almost choked on a daisy on his watch, to the day that a distraught – and dieting – Bee-Lzebub carried a nearly-one-eyed Hellhound into the ER after he got hit by a car. If there was a story that centered on a Sin, a Hellborn, a Sinner or heck, even the stray necromancer that took a wrong turn, Dr. Somna had been there.
So to hear the Duke of Gluttony claim he had a better idea on how to handle giving a Hellhound a shot was interesting. It was always a fight and many of his interns would quit after the yearly mandatory lesson on how to do it. Granted, they were often mauled to the point they became his life-long patients, but that was beside the point.
"Oh? Do tell." Dr. Somna lowered the syringe and tilted his head.
"Just...Put the needle down first, and then hand me that bottle of bourbon." Lord Lzebub ordered.
Amused – and nowhere near green enough to try and do something stupid like argue with a member of a House of Sin – the good doctor laid the trusty Hellbies vaccine on the counter and grabbed the bottle of Tom Plank's that sat beside it. He approached and chuckled at the clear distrust the Hellhound had for him, if the way she kept a wary gaze on him was anything to go by. She would learn he was one of the nicer veterinarians to work with in time. Once she hit her first century, he'd have to sign her over to Dr. Bark Bobber, and she'd be yearning for the day she could visit him again.
"Here you are, milord." Dr. Somna said as he held the bottle out.
"Yeah, thanks. Don't call me that." Pah, the royals today had no respect for their positions. Lord Lzebub opened the bottle with his arms wrapped around his Hellhound...child? Certainly not a consort, maybe this was a political power move to prove to the scion of Bee-Lzebub they were still treasured. Lord Lzebub let out a purr – fascinating to see the fabled Foxfiend magic at work – into his Hellhound's ear. "Hey, Loona, wanna split a bottle of booze?"
"...Booze?" The Hellhound seemed to stir from her loathing of Dr. Somna's existence. She focused down on the bottle in Lord Lzebub's hand. She flicked her gaze up between the bottle and Dr. Somna, bottle, Dr. Somna, bottle – The poor dear looked between the two focuses in front of her and whined at the torn focus.
Oh, Somna just realized where Lord Lzebub was going with this. He looked at the label, the ten-thousand proof alcohol content that was approved by Bee-Lzebub herself with an added warning about the strength, and wondered if he should warn the young royal.
"Yeah, I don't trust him either." The Duke growled...Oh, that was serious. Welp, can't win 'em all over. So, maybe Somna won't warn him about the alcohol. "If you take a sip, I'll watch him. And when I take a sip, you watch him. Does that sound like a plan?"
"...You'll watch him?"
"Like a fuckin' hawk."
The Hellhound nodded and carefully took the bottle out of his hands. She put it up to her lips, nose crinkled from the sheer strength of the drink, before she took not one, not two, but five large gulps of the medically approved substance.
She was out like a light.
"...That won't kill her will it?" The Duke asked him.
That was a valid concern. He'd never seen anyone drink that much, and he helped consult on Verosika Mayday's medical portion of her rehab. If anything happened while he was the head physician while this royal's ...child(?) was in the hospital's care, he'd be in front of The Board again. Best to play it safe.
"We'll start a saline drip before I give her the shot."
Verosika was drafting up some final floor plans and or required purchases for her new office in Imp City when her Hellphone screamed. She sighed and set down her pen to pull it out. Oh, what? Kiki sent her another video link of a rising artist on VoxTube?
(Reason number FIVE we have to get this hunk's junk!)
"'Bee You '98'?" Verosika muttered. Hadn't someone suggested that video to her before? She shrugged and opened it up. Wow, that was a lot of rainbow-colored bunny-ears– right, Bee You '98' was that Whimsy themed party. The succubus pop star watched as they introduced various amateur artists – wow, that girl had serious pipes. Whatever happened to her? – that didn't matter in the long run. Verosika rolled her eyes, paused the video and jumped apps to fire another text back to her crewmate that was supposed to be getting food.
(Why am I watching this?)
(Jump to 07:11)
Okay. Fine. She opened the video and jumped to the slot – Hot fuck it's Bee's secret stud in a cute awkward teen phase! Oh, shit! He had to be prime and ripe for the picking when he was that gangly and awkward. Dammit, let down parents, why couldn't they had had her a decade or so earlier?
Ugh, and that cute little toga that did little to hide his budding physique, what a fucking show. Then a piano started playing ...and the stud-to-be started to sing.
"I have often dreamed / of a far off place / where a hero's welcome / would be waiting for me…" (1)
The piano picked up tempo and a drum and guitar started to back his vocals. The performance went from slow, cookie cutter, gag-me tune to a punk bop that fit the vibe the 'Bee You' events aimed for: a celebration of the individual regardless of species or sexuality.
The whole time the video was on her screen, Verosika's eyes were on the scrawny boy that hadn't finished filling out. The way he smiled and had fun even as his voice broke at certain notes. At the end of the short, three-minute song, he had the crowd pumped and ready for Bee's performance at the event, where she thanked the participants of the amateur and proudly introduced the little hunk for who he was. And the cute little shit had the gall to be fucking bashful.
The video was well over twenty years old, which put him in her age range for sure, and the quality had been cleaned up by digital edits. She looked through the recommended videos to see if anything else hinted at him being present...and look at that, there was a nice compilation video that had snippets of him through the–Oh, no. This music was such a trash choice.
"Ugh, mute."
...The video got ten times better the second she turned Mouth Smash off. Picture after picture of the hunk flashed in front of her. From scrawny teen bite to filled-out snack, Verosika nibbled on her lip and slid down in her chair. She let her legs drift open and began to play with herself.
"Fuck...I just can't wait to have you between my legs..."
"Quiet, shh. People are sleeping." Naruto shushed the giggly Hellhound that was draped over his shoulders as he walked into the small apartment building on the west side of Imp City.
After ensuring that she didn't accidentally shut her own liver down by the amount of medical alcohol she tossed back, Loona's leg was set, bound by a temporary cast that would fall off when the injury was healed and she was vaccinated by that fuck off syringe. Furthermore, the staff even cleaned her up while he used an on-site shower to get the residual Grey Stag out of his coat. Their clothes were bagged, tagged and they were dressed in a set of scrubs each – the staff put Loona in blue while he took the offered green.
Once Naruto took care of the obnoxious overcharged prices of the medical bill before he carried her home, using the House Seal to return to the alley outside of Hothead's and then walk towards where she said she lived. It was a miracle that not only was she coherent enough to understand his question, but that the end of their busy day was the end of the day, if not a little after, which meant that anyone out right now wouldn't be missed if they tried anything.
On an unrelated note, there was a sudden drop in the number of pick-pockets and would-be rapists in Imp City that night. What a bizarre coincidence...
"Shh-leep!" Loona repeated with another giggle before she pushed her mouth to his cheek. That was a very wet, very drunk kiss. Whatever taste she had wasn't genuine, or if it was, it was muddled by the stench of antiseptic and alcohol that clung to her coat, so he let the kiss go as just a drunk thing. It would seem that wasted Loona was very affectionate. ...Huh, for some reason, Naruto felt as if he should already know that. He stopped wondering about the lapse in his memory when Loona cooed at him. "Yer so sweet. Like-like-like candy."
"Yeah?" He arched a brow. "What kind of candy?"
"Mm…" Her tail started wagging faster just as it lagged from its drunken glee. "Violet-coconut candy."
"Sounds delicious." He chuckled and climbed the stairwell to get to her and Blitzø's apartment. Third floor? Cake.
"Hey, hey…" Loona leaned forward and rubbed her muzzle against his. "Hey, are-are you single?"
"Mm, yeah, pretty sure I am."
"Whoa, so am I!" She giggled and then gasped. Her hand slapped down on his shoulder. "Holy fuckin' shi–I just had... had the best idea since fuck."
"Do tell."
"We... should date!" She threw her arms up with a laugh.
"Shh." He reminded her after her elated cheer, twisting to catch her center of gravity before she tumbled out of his arms. She fell back into his shoulder and hugged his neck again.
"Shh? Shh! Shh...We should date." She whispered the words again and then giggled. "Mm-hm, if we were dating, then you wouldn't be single and I wouldn't be single."
"Oh? So you don't wanna be single?"
"Tch, fuck no. I've been trying to get laid for years and to start somethin' longer." Naruto might've almost missed a step on the stairs. Loona yawned as her burst of happy drunk energy seemed to tap out – he gave it five minutes before it started up again. "My fuckin-My fuckin Dad keeps clam-jamming, the little red shithead. Always scares 'em off, an' I'm pretty fuckin' sure he killed Sara. I liked Sara, dammit."
"Sara sounds nice." Naruto nodded and made a note to himself to avoid asking about Sara. He gagged when her arm tightened around his neck. "Loon! Loona! Too tight! ...Thank you…"
"Oh, no...I almost killed you! N-Now you won't date me. Ugh, I'm such a freak..." Please, please let that be the alcohol and not how Loona actually sees herself, because if it's the latter... Yeah, he's definitely taking her to Ozzie's next time. Her head nudged into his cheek as she whined and ripped his heart to shreds. "I-I don't wanna end up like my Dad, so fuckin' sad and alone...fuckin' rando married rich guys just to use their shit..."
Oh, no, don't start drunk crying! His ears dropped at the thought. He didn't do well with tears–Wha–ow, fuck! He slumped against a wall when his ear suddenly flared with pain.
"Loona!" He glanced to the side to see her head tilted up and–Yep, his passenger had chomped down on his ear.
"Sho shoft...and coconutish..."
"Loona, I need that ear."
"Mm…" She obviously considered the argument given the long hum she let out. Then she deemed it a bad one because she bit down harder. Fuck, ow! Geez, she has a solid bite, that's for fucking sure.
"Uh, er, wh-why don't you tell me about what kind of person you wanna date? And I'll get you hooked up!" Naruto offered with a wince as he stopped outside a door that had a crudely made sign hanging on it. The sign was bright yellow and read: 'BLiZtØ & LooN-3' in ...please don't be crayon. He sniffed–Yep, wax.
Come on, Blitzø! How did you adopt a teenager if you have this outside of your apartment?
"...Fine." Loona sighed. Huzzah! His ear was free! The Hellhound slumped on his shoulder and nuzzled at his neck. "I want...I want someone that's not a total bitch, like the Fatty. Someone funny...can make me laugh...N they gotta be strong. Muscley. I like muscles."
"Do you–Ah, ha-hey! Hands above the shoulders, please." Naruto warned as he nudged at the apartment door. Nope, not a single inch. That was locked.
"Oh, sorry. Just thinkin' bout this cute guy I like."
"Oh? Do you like somebody? That's... nice." And that someone may or may not be getting a free one-time offer from the new for-hire bodyguard on the block that might not do so well while on a free job. Depends on what Loona says about this 'guy'.
"Yeah…" She breathed. Woof, that was a lot of alcohol on her breath. Tomorrow was not going to be fun for her. She snuggled into his shoulder. "He's really...really cute. Didn't think I'd like 'im. Hasn't got big muscles, still think th' ones he's got are really nice. Kinda dumb tho, but, I can live with that, I think."
"Lucky guy... – Alright, screw this." Naruto deadpanned as she kept listing things about this supposed dream guy of hers. He stepped back and kicked the doorknob off; he'd replace it later. The apartment door creaked open and he carried his drunk passenger in. An eyebrow rose up at the mess on the inside of the apartment, all trailing out from the bathroom. Bits and pieces of a door were scattered across everything and there looked to be some water damage on the floor. He made sure to drop the bag of their stuff on the couch.
Stabbed into the wall beside what looked like the only other room – with various notes and warnings of it being Loona's room – was a knife that had 'LoonY!' scrawled on it in...more crayon. The knife was stabbed into a note. A glance and quick scrutinization of Blitzø's illegible writing gave him the gist: Blitzø broke the bathroom door for some reason, and the sink with it, so the water in the apartment was shut off and he went to crash at the office.
"...And he's got such a cute, tight, little ass, I just wanna sink my teeth into it –oh, home sweet...fuck this place is messy." Loona giggled. She shifted to rest on his other shoulder before she spotted her door. She twisted to get out of his arms, which he helped with and then quickly caught her before she tried to run on her broken leg. "My room! No! Why, Violet-Coconut Candy-guy?! Lemme go!"
"Loona, Loona! You broke your leg, remember? We'll go to your room, I just don't want you to hurt yourself, y'know?" Thank the supposedly almighty powers of the Big G-Man that Naruto had grown up his whole fucking life around adults that drank themselves stupid – he hoped that Perverted Grandma was doing okay wherever she was – otherwise he'd have no idea how to properly wrangle the Hellhound. "C'mon, Loona. Bedtime."
"Mm, sounds nice...Hey, I got a cute guy in my room…" Loona giggled as she hobbled into her room with his help, and then started looking around once they crossed the threshold. Her eyes squinted and she growled. Her tail stopped wagging "Dad usually shows his face at this point. I'll kill him if he comes in here again."
"As you should." He chuckled and helped her get into her bed. He just got the blanket on her when she started to whimper and grabbed at his wrist at an awkward angle. Oh, crap, if she tried to sit up like that–He knelt down beside the bed to keep her laying on her side and off of her healing leg. Her eyes were watering. "Loona, no, hey...what's wrong?"
"Don't go. Please. Please don't go. You're so fuckin' nice."
"But I gotta go, Loona." Naruto gave her an incomplete smile and stroked some of her hair out of her face. Another long, heart-wrenching whine pierced the air and his ears. "You should just go to sleep, okay? Things will be better in the morning. You're just kind of drunk right now."
"No!" Her lip trembled and – okay, it was wrong that Naruto was so touched that this drunk girl was crying over him leaving right? Right, he thought so, too – she pulled insistently at his arm. "You're the only other guy I know who's so nice, and-and the cute guy wouldn't ever come here..."
"Why not?" Give him a name, just give him a name and Naruto would have a new target at the top of The List (Trademarked). Douchifer could sleep easy tonight, just for once.
"Cuz he's a-a Duke and I'm-I'm just me." She sniffed.
"...Ah." Leaving her with the arm she had in a death grip, Naruto ducked his face into his other forearm while his ears turned back and burned. Okay, he misread that so hard it was funny. This girl was going to drive him crazy, if he wasn't there already. He took a breath and lifted his head up to look at her again. Her eyes had fallen shut, but her grasp held tight to his arm. Was she–?
"Loona?" he whispered. Her eyes cracked open, so no, not asleep yet.
"Hmm? Oh, hey...Nah-roo-toh!" She smiled with slightly unfocused eyes. A muffled thump-thump-thump-thump signaled her tail begin to wag beneath the covers. Ah, coherency was leaving, hopefully, her blissful consciousness would follow. She giggled and shuffled closer, only to yelp. "Ow! Ow. Oww…"
"Yeah, you got a broken leg–" Oh, fuck that whine was just not allowed to happen!
"Make it better..."
"You gotta go to sleep, Loona. It'll feel better in the morning." But you sure won't. He grinned and gently pulled his arm out of her loose grip, only for his hand to get caught. Stubborn little she-hound, wasn't she? He cupped her hand with his other free one and brought it to his lips, before he pulled it back and patted it. "I'll come around tomorrow and check on you, okay?"
"No." She yawned mid complaint and tugged his arm back. Oh, come–! "I want you t' stay. ...Remind me of Candy Guy..."
Hoo, boy, I am so holding this over your head. Naruto snickered to himself before he nodded. "Alright, okay. But we're sleeping, alright?"
"Mm, yeah. Like at the Ho-tell." Her eyes seemed to open wider – dammit, so close – and she pulled insistently on his arm. "You–c'mon, up here."
"Loona, I hate to break it to you, but you barely fit in that bed."
"C'mon!"
"Alright, alright, don't say I didn't warn you. Can I have my hand back so I can–?"
"No. You'll leave."
Drunk or not, she was still smart.
"What if I give you my tail, huh? You can make sure I don't leave if you take my tail."
Her red eyes got very wide and she let go of his hand.
"...Gimme."
He sighed and reached back to give her the tail. Once the exchange was made – and she's biting his tail. Because of course she is. Good thing it didn't have a lot of sensitivity away from the base – he stood up, twisted so as not to tug on the sensitive base of his tail, pulled the blanket down and carefully laid onto the bed with her.
"There, is that better–? Whoa, your leg, watch your leg!"
"Hurtsh." She muttered around the tail in her mouth while she tried to climb on him for whatever reason. She growled, dropped her new chew toy to grab his head and pull him down. Ow, that was starting to hurt his neck. "S'not like the hotel...gotta lay on your fuck pillow…"
"I told you the bed was too sm–Loona, stop!" He hissed and caught her leg when she tried to climb with her broken leg again. "What are you talking about?"
"I was a pillow, you was comfy blanket!" And there's another heart-breaking whine.
"...W–" He tried to make the same leap in logic her drunk mind did. He closed his eyes and tried to connect the dots. He was a blanket, which mean–Oh! Uh, yeah, not happening. "Loona, I don't want to put weight on your leg."
"Buh-but–!"
"Next time, okay? I promise." He pushed his nose into hers – Boop power, activate! – and her pretty unfocused red eyes crossed before they started to close. He rumbled and helped her readjust to lay atop him, with enough space beneath him that let his tail wriggle while hers started to wag and jostled the blankets. "You can be the blanket tonight."
"Next time, we'll swish." She sighed as her head dropped from the Boop to rest on his chest. She nuzzled into his collarbone. "Hay, Rootoh? ...Y'r fuggin' awesum..."
"I know." He snorted and kissed her on the head. Blech, antiseptic wipes got rid of her sweet taste. A bit disappointed by the lacking taste, he rested his chin on her head. "Goodnight, Loo–"
"Y' gots a cute ass, doe." She mumbled before she burped a swath of eye-watering alcohol-riddled breath that flew up into his face as if aimed for it.
"...Goodnight, Loona." Naruto chuckled around his teary eyes. He waited until her breathing steadied before he reached into his pocket and pulled his Hellphone out. He turned his flash off, snagged a selfie and then shot a message off to Bee. See? He could be responsible when he wasn't totally smashed.
"Seen it. Seen it. Binged it. Boring. Sad. Mammy's shit knockoff. Binged it." Bee-Lzebub muttered as she flipped through channel after channel. Tonight was another chill night to relax before she had to start planning the next Bee YOU Parade in Pride. She had a full bong in her lap and two tables of snacks at the ready – Dip 4 had finally gotten sorted out and was determined to mix best with Pretzel Bites, according to the test subjects' reports (i.e., Verosika's Crew); tomorrow she was going to have them taste it when mixed with the Grey Stag meat her Baby Bro's clones brought back – nearby so she wouldn't have to make anything on the spot. She growled and flipped faster and faster. "Why is there never anything on television when I actually want to fucking watch it!?"
~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~ (2) ~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~
"Thank fuck, Baby Bro can help." Bee sighed as she picked her Hellphone up and opened the text. The awkward angle had her squint for a second to focus on the picture before it registered that her Baby Bro's face nuzzled into the mess of the cutie Loonie pup he met. She immediately cooed and cradled the phone in both hands. "Fuck yeah, Baby Bro. 'Cute happy post-sex cuddles! Great vibes! Enjoy your night, see you tomorrow!' An-n-nd, sent. ...That's amazing Vibes I got without anyone in the house. I wonder if I can make more like –"
~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~
(We did NOT have sex!)
(Loona broke her leg & is high off meds.)
"Huh?" Bee blinked. Oh, right, one of the clones said that he took her to the hospital and left them with the mess before it dispelled. That would explain the scrubs they were wearing. She hummed as she sent off her next reply.
(So, what, are you just sleeping with her like a creep?)
(If she DIDN'T want me here, I'd be back.)
(I was raised better than that.)
Good boy, Baby Bro! He earned a pot of ramen for tomorrow. Bee always wanted to make sure her lessons about consent were heeded. The sick fuckers that tried any of that shit at her parties didn't make it home to sleep it off.
Pleased by the evidence of her amazing parenting skills, the Prince of Gluttony smirked, screenshotted the example and fired it off to Lucifer – like the last two-hundred-and-thirty-seven times she tried to throw her 'Better Sibling-Parenting' skills in his face, it was left unread; he needed to accept his fault in the separation already and stop neglecting everyone – and then another message of the whole exchange, including the selfie, was sent to Ozzie. Then she went back to the exchange with her Baby Bro.
(Just making sure. Glad she's okay.)
(What's her cut of the meat?)
(4/7 Stags were hers)
Fuck, that was a lot of Stag meat. Ugh, Bee wasn't happy about giving that much up. She curled her lips with a growl before she sighed. She'd just have to have the Survey Squad deal with a herd tomorrow or something.
(Fine. Don't let her talk you into drunk sex.)
(No worries on that end.)
(Night, B.)
(Night, BB.)
She hadn't even set her phone down, when a sensual moan came from it. A very close up shot of the three-headed rooster covered her phone screen and Bee answered the call with a grin.
"Ha-a-ay, Bitch!"
"And when in the fuck were you gonna tell me that our sweet little boy was dating?!" Ozzie's irate bark greeted her while there was a soft sigh heard on the other end. Bee blinked and pulled the phone from her ear to triple-check the other line. Yep. That was Ozzie's face, all right. She shrugged and put it back to her ear.
"Uh, just now, I guess? Since when the fuck do you care?"
"Ex-fucking-scuse me?!" Ozzie squawked. "I have been so fucking invested in Naru-Baby's life since the second I laid all six of my eyes on him! I went to every after-school event! Every doctor's appointment I could–!"
"Ozzie, he went comatose every two years after he first woke up!" Bee rolled her eyes. "And what after-school events are you talking about? Most of his fuckin' education came from the Sinternet and the Royal Tutors–"
"That you didn't eat off of the bat!"
"Hey, those first nine assholes fucking asked for it!" Bee snarled and leaned forward, almost knocking her bong off the couch. Her form shifted slightly as she thought about the first few batches of tutors that kept reporting shit to her that didn't mean a goddamn thing in the long run. "They kept trying to hit him with some corporal punishment shit."
"You could have fuckin' left a few for me to break, that's all I'm saying."
"That'd be letting them off light." Bee scoffed and sat back. "Look, is there anything else you wanna know or can I get back to my chill night?"
"'Is there anything else I wanna know?' she asks." Oh, great. Ozzie was all worked up. Was he edging again? Ugh, he always got so fuckin' pissy whenever he started edging."Bitch, how long has he been seeing this-this, whatsername? Loona? Does Vortex know her? Did he vet her? Did we check her details?!"
"...I don't know," Bee said with a frown. She started toying with her bong and laid down on the couch. "He's known her for, like, a month or two, I think? I've only met her today–"
"You met her today?! (He brought her to meet Bee!)" That second part was clearly aimed for whatever partner Ozzie was with at the moment. Bee had to blink at that, she didn't know he even had another partner...Probably just a one-night stand. "And?!"
"Fucking slut for gossip, is what you are." She scoffed.
"That's the fucking Slut, thank you very fucking much. Now speak, bitch!"
"Watch it, Oz." Bee huffed with a scowl before she snagged a few chips and Dip 4. "She's a pound pup from Pride –"
"She's from an orphanage? Don't you manage the adoptions and make quality checks of afterlife on them?"
"Of fucking course I do!" Bee scowled. Her brow furrowed as she thought of something else she had to add to her itinerary. "...Shit, I gotta make a run up there and do that sometime before the Parade."
"And you didn't meet her the last time you made a check?"
"No, last time I did that was like...sometime in the double-o's? She's younger than that." Bee frowned. She was also unvaxxed, but then, Bee decided a long time ago that at a certain age, the pups could decide if they wanted the shots or not. Some were fine without and others went back yearly for more. "I mean, you saw her pic. Cute as fuck, right?"
"Um, yes! She's fucking adorable." Ozzie chuckled before he sighed. "I just want to make sure there's not something else at play here. You remember how some of The Goetia got about Charlie's split from Von Eldritch."
"That couldn't have fucking happened soon enough," Bee scoffed. That little prick was a fucking jackass after her title. "Nah, Loona's sweet on Baby Bro, and he's over the moon for her. Aside from that issue with her dad–"
"Well, we are the last ones who should talk about Daddy Issues."
"Fuck off." Bee rolled her eyes and took a bite of the bowl Dip 4 was in. "I mean, he only tried to kill Baby Bro once–"
"The fuck did you just say?! A Hellhound went after Naru-Baby!?
"What? No! Fuckin' listen, shit-bird!" Bee scoffed. "Loona's adopted, remember? Some little Imp got her out, I guess, and then after a night out got mad at Baby Bro."
"What the fuck– Why didn't you kill him?!"
"Because Baby Bro handled it; and before you get any fucking ideas, you don't get to kill the fucking Imp either." Bee deadpanned. If anyone had first dibs on the shitheel that shot and tried to blow up her Baby Bro, it was the Queen Bee. Ozzie growled over the line and she huffed. "Hey, take it up with Baby Bro. If you want deets, look for the Channel 666 vid with him promoting his bodyguard biz."
"Bodyguard!?"
"Mm-hm. His first gig ended yesterday; he did a stint as Ice Queen Stella's little girl's bodyguard. Kid needs serious therapy though; Stow-Ass and Stella got serious rank vibes all up in that house." Bee hummed. She was just pleased her Baby Bro came back clean after her Vibe Check, a faint hint of ash notwithstanding. She guessed they really had fun at Loo Loo Land.
"But-but-but, that's too dangerous!" Ozzie whined. Thank you, Ozzie, that was Bee's concern, too. "He could get hurt!" ...Alright, that was not her concern exactly. She was more worried about if he tried to use that shit that the Fuckwad left inside him. He tended to lose control whenever he did that – as her manor can attend to – and if he was on a job in another ring while she was busy with her own shit, she wouldn't be able to stop him from rampaging. Ozzie's complaint drew not only her attention, but a bit of her ire. "Why didn't you get him a job?!"
"I did! And he's fucking great at it!" Bee huffed. "All the fuckin money I saved remodeling after a bitching party wrapped up...Ungrateful little shit called it fucking boring to my face!"
"Abusing his clones as cheap Party-Prep or Cleanup does not count as a fucking job, Bee." Ozzie deadpanned. Oh, what the fuck did he know?! "Dammit, if I knew he wanted a job, I'd have gotten him something that would give him experience!"
"Given how much Baby Bro loves going to your Ring, I doubt he'd have accepted it." Bee pointed out with a smirk.
"Well, if someone didn't leave him alone during his fourteenth birthday party–"
"Party Foul, fucker! We all agreed not to talk about that!" Bee snapped around a growl. The Fourteenth Birthday Party was not to be mentioned in the presence of any Sin by any Hellborn that knew of it. Luci himself made the decree – to protect Charlie, but then that was how he prioritized things most days; honestly, Bee got it.
"Yeah, whatever." Ozzie huffed. "So, he's a bodyguard now and he has a girlfriend?"
"They've had one date," Bee said with a shrug she knew he couldn't see. "But, I mean, if he's like me–"
"I don't think Existence is ready for there to be two of you."
"You slut."
"Bitch." Ozzie snorted back. "You were saying?"
"If Baby Bro and I are anything alike – which is good, because the alternative is he's like fuckin' Satan." Bee shivered at the thought and Ozzie hissed his agreement. Satan may have a rockin' bod, but he was still a total asshole. "He's probably hoping for another date before things get serious."
"Ugh, he's growing up too fast...Speaking of serious topics…" Here we go. Bee rolled her eyes. "Have you moved Vortex in yet?"
"He's got half of his shit here and the rest of it is with his 'boss'. What's the status of that turnover, by the way?"
"Another week of debilitating, royalty negotiations, you know how it is."
"So, Vee will be my IP by the end of Spring Break? Fuckin' great. We should have never given legal shit over to Luci to write up, he always makes things take forever."
"The last time he rushed anything he got 'promoted' to lead us," Ozzie deadpanned. Bee growled at him. Fucking semantics. "Alright, well I need to turn in. Gotta start early in the shop tomorrow, keep me posted on Naru-Baby's relationship, will you?"
"Yeah, that'll be right at the top of my fucking to-do list." Bee scoffed. She paused. "Hey, before you hang up, any ideas on something I should watch while high on some of Belle's stash?"
"Oh for the love of, are you still stealing that crap? You know you could just trade more booze for it, right?"
"Where's the fun in that?"
(1) Joe Hicks: "Go The Distance (Hercules Cover) PUNK GOES DISNEY" on Youtube (his voice doesn't crack, I just imagine Naruto's does when he's, like 15-16)
(2) Baltimora: "Tarzan Boy" (Chorus)
AN: Yeah, the above songs ain't mine, a doy. Just the variant I think would be best performed by the character. Furthermore, the opinions of music as stated by a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, canonical or not, shouldn't invalidate how YOU feel about certain music.
Christ, people, music is fun!
Remember, it's just fucking fan-fiction.