Lazarus Shunned

by Two-Eyed Charlie

Cerberus has spent billions of credits trying to bring Shepard back from the dead, and despite the odds it seems to be working. Then a saboteur makes his move and Shepard's resurrection takes a horrific turn, leaving both the Alliance and Cerberus scrambling to control the situation...all while the Collectors begin their harvest of humanity [PREFERRED EDITION ON AO3]

38. Chapter 37: No Matter Where You Go Pt II

Chapter 37: No Matter Where You Go, There You Are: Part II

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"I'm the Guy Who Does His Job. You Must Be the Other Guy"

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Then...

Garrus—still inside his armour—heard a door open, and then words started being hurled at him, with more force than a dreadnaught's main gun.

"All right—you, me, we're having a talk," Sidonis said, storming in, jabbing a talon, kicking a box into a corner where it smashed open. "Right here, right fucking now."

Garrus felt his own talons dig into his palms…but he didn't show it, not here, not when the rest of the team could walk in at any second, see him handling a teammate the same way he'd handle a disobedient suspect.

"Mmm…getting some nasty flashbacks here," Garrus said. "It's why I threw out all the desks: I've got PTSD from the number of times I tried to flip one on top of my supervisor."

Sidonis was nearly in his face, held back only a pile of datapads. "Fuck you, all right? This is serious—I'm serious. We can do ha-ha fucking jokes when I've convinced you not to get us all killed—how's that fucking sound?"

Garrus glared—through his eye piece he fixed Sidonis's head into its reticle and just glared. "Fine. You've got my attention, Sidonis. Trust me when I say that making that claim, doesn't put me in a joking mood."

"Good! Listen to me—I'm glad! Welcome back to being a hardass with a…a stick up his ass or something or—fuck, Garrus, I don't even know where t'fucking start!"

Garrus tried to take a breath. Barely effective, maybe even did the opposite. "Let's focus on the part where you said I'm trying to get us all killed. Focus on that, and we'll go from there."

"Yeah…fine, all right. Fine." Sidonis stared and stayed just on the other side of the stack of data-pads, hands on his hips, mandibles clicking against the side of his head. Then he started pacing. "The word around this place is: you're planning a three-man false-flag op—three fucking people, that's it—on, Spirits, Aria's fucking people, a-and the whole idea is to make it look like the fucking Suns are after her!"

"Reconnaissance support and heavy weapons for a possible distraction. Three people's all I need to make this work."

"Yeah—three fucking people is all you need to—" Sidonis stopped pacing and let out a breath. Then the pointing started again. "Fuck's sake Garrus—you pulling this off is what's got me worried! Y-y-you're dropping the, the biggest fucking hammer on the station right—splat—right on top of our fucking heads! Three people! Two others agree to this and now we're all on fucking borrowed time!"

"I've got buy-in from everyone else, too."

"How the FUCK did you manage that?"

Garrus stepped around the datapads and pointed to the door. "I asked, Sidonis. I went around—station by station—talked to the team, and gathered feedback. Told them why I thought we needed a new front and why I thought it had to be the Suns. Maybe one hold-out that entire time—one. Then I showed them intel pointing to exactly what we'd hoped—Centurion's shipping in, en masse, concentrated mostly around border areas Aria controls—and how I'd nabbed all that off a terminal in Afterlife, meaning Aria's aware of it just as much as we are." Garrus fixed his glare right into Sidonis's soul again. "Strategy past this mission's still in flux, but the target? I've got buy-in for the target."

"And where the fuck was I?" Sidonis said.

"I looked for you all morning, until I found out you skipped the debrief to hang out at a damn bar." Garrus took another step toward Sidonis, but kept his talon outstretched like a knife. "I respect that you've been at this longer than anyone, Sidonis, but if you're not at your post when I'm steering the ship, that's your problem, not mine."

Sidonis just shook his head. "It's too soon. You told me you wanted Aria five fucking years ago it feels like, but right now, it's too soon."

"Tensions are high and Aria's gonna be expecting an attack. If we're convincing her that Tarak's more aggressive than he really is, we do this now. We wait? And that's just more bodies rotting in the streets."

"Twelve bodies. Think about the twelve fucking bodies you're responsible for. Or the—they're not bodies now but you…you know what I mean."

If Garrus's glare could get any stronger, it might cause his skull to cave in. "Say it," he said. "Explain like I'm still green."

"Yeah, yeah all right fine, Garrus. The fact is?" Sidonis started pacing again. "The fact is the people out there, aren't your responsibility. Okay? The people here—in this building—they are your responsibility. They put a lot of trust a-and time and, and…fuck name a thing and they've given it to you. You keep trying out this democracy 'vote-to-go' idea but the fact is, we follow your lead, and so you're the one everyone owes their lives to. Get it? Their lives."

Sidonis stopped, right by the datapads again. He leaned over them but didn't take a step closer to Garrus. "So if I've gotta sound like the…the fucking Deputy Executor of C-SEC here then I'll do it, Garrus, I'll gladly fucking do it."

Garrus closed that gap quick. "Talk like that, is what keeps people like Aria in power."

And Sidonis, now that Garrus was right in his face? Sidonis didn't budge. "Whoopty-fucking-doo! Between her and somebody like fucking Garm I know who I'm voting for."

"That's a fair deal right up until Aria's mood changes," Garrus said. "Or she starts thinking a death cult has the right idea. Maybe things even improve a tad just in time for some nightmare machine from dark space to worm its influence into her brain, in which case everyone's staring down a fate fifty times worse than death with nowhere to hide, and no one to turn to. She's got absolute control over this place, Sidonis, even if she let Tarak and the others play in her sandbox for a laugh."

And finally…a look from one of the turians that wasn't anger or worry.

"Are…Spirits are you making this an accountability thing? Is that—are you seriously right now using the fucking a-word without a hint of fucking irony? Mister cowboy cop and his Spectre buddy—are you actually going to stand there and pretend that's what this is about you fucking PSYCHO?"

And then the anger and worry and incredulous in both of their faces disappeared, replaced with what it felt like whenever you snapped at a mentor, or yelled at an elder, or laid into someone with a terminal disease.

Like that…but not entirely, because in situations like that? You stop fighting, nine times out of ten.

Their fight…wouldn't end for anything like that.

"Sorry…sorry, all right?" Sidonis said. "That was too…sorry. But Garrus, c'mon, I…you want Aria dead for what? For what reason? I…I'm struggling to understand that here."

No…their fight wasn't stopping for something as simple as that.

"She assaults intimidates and murders people all over the station—I'm struggling to understand why I'm the one, that needs to justify his position."

"It's too soon!"

"Two seconds ago you were making it sound like we shouldn't ever go after her now what is it, Sidonis? It's eleven against one and if we're sticking to the 'democracy' idea, you're outvoted—what's it going to be?"

A pause from both. Garrus watched Sidonis…and then kept watching as the other turian almost sank into the floor.

"I can't…I can't do this, Garrus. I don't think I can handle any of this anymore."

Garrus didn't say anything.

"You hear me? I can't do this, Garrus."

And then…he did say something.

"I'm not accepting resignations, Sidonis."

Sidonis took a step back, like Garrus was pointing an actual weapon at him. "So that's it? I'm trapped? You expect me to be okay with that? You expect me to…fuck, Garrus, all the times you told me—"

"No." Garrus took another step forward but…tried to keep it together. Remember what you need to remember, keep everything under control, be what you know you need to be to make this work. "You're not trapped. You're not. Your part of this team…so if you don't like it? We go back to the drawing board."

Another pause. Sidonis's look didn't change.

No…no it did. Had. Sidonis went from looking threatened to looking something far worse: like Garrus had just told the world's biggest lie.

"Seriously? Just like that?"

"Just like that doesn't even begin to describe what happened but, yeah, just like that." Garrus tried to relax his posture, see if it helped at all. "Told you those stories of Shepard for a reason, even if I didn't see it my own damn self at the time. I've been on the other side of the desk—same place you're standing—more times in a year aboard the Normandy than at any other point in my life. So I know the importance of giving people good reasons to change their mind—the Shepard way, not the other way."

Garrus looked at Sidonis's face. His brow was raised.

"Yeah?" Sidonis said. "You've got six talons. Hold up one for every time you changed your Commander's mind."

Garrus's hands didn't move.

"Yeah, okay. Now imagine what I'm up against.

Sidonis left, Garrus eventually followed, and that plan? That plan never left Garrus's workshop. Not until he was down ten men…and one animal that should've joined them, if the universe made any sense at all.

Now...

1.

"MEDIC! Spirits GET ME A MEDIC!"

"Special Response! Sir, stop where you are, turn around, and place the body—"

"HE'S STILL ALIVE but SPIRITS HELP ME, if I have to go RIGHT THROUGH YOU—"

"Corporal! Holster your weapon and tell the rest of your team to do the same!"

"Captain, sir, we've got an active—"

"All we've got is wounded and an ongoing investigation—do not make me get territorial on you, son. This order comes from way up. That's it…that's it, Vakarian, see we're putting the guns down? Medics are with me right now—place the Commander on the ground and let them get to him."

Silence from Garrus. Shuffling boots around him. Orbs of light and glittering shadows—nothing was real, everything felt fluid.

"All right…all right Garrus, you can take a step forward. Come over here. We'll debrief when we can't put it off any longer but I just need to know what happened for the medics, that's all."

Silence.

"Garrus…? Anything at all, just to tell them where to start looking."

Silence.

"Vakarian? Still with me? C'mon Vakarian I'll need your help on this."

Silence.

"Get me a trauma unit—I think he's gone catatonic. And somebody tell the damn press there're way more interesting things going on at the Embassy, for Christ's sake? Move it people—let's do our jobs so the journalists can't do theirs."

Silence.

Just silence.

2.

The thing about unconsciousness was, it…well it was just…absence. Wasn't like a dream: you just…weren't present in the world for a little while. And that was fine. It was coming out of unconsciousness where you ran into problems. You were in a dark tunnel lined with fists and, just about every couple of steps, one of them would shoot out and clock you in the temple right when you were the least ready. And the closer you got to that light at the end the quicker those strikes got. Man…it sucked, no other way of putting it. And then, once you got past those fists, it was the light that was trying to kill you. Searing your temples, leaking into your brain—and for some reason your eyelids weren't working so, good luck trying to close them again. You'd get used to it eventually, though…and then you'd realize someone was saying something, and the words were just sliding right past you—literally sliding right past you, like they'd taken on a solid shape and you had to read them real quick as they buzzed your head. Eventually that'd pass too, and for Kaidan, he'd finally gotten to the point where everything was back in sync…

…and it was around that point where he realized, he probably should've died back in that factory.

"Commander, please—try not to move so aggressively. You are currently in the intensive care unit of Huerta Memorial—we are taking care of you, do not worry."

Hmm, French accent…familiar sounding voice, too. Familiar, yeah: he'd heard her before.

Kaidan turned his head and saw the face of Chloe Michel, someone he'd first met a lifetime ago and…uh…oh, she said Huerta, didn't she?

"Huerta…?" Kaidan blinked away some lingering fuzzy pain, tried to sit up, decided against it after a different kind of fuzzy pain. "God, I…ugh, Dr. Michel, right? From the clinic, two years ago—Fist and Banes and all that."

Dr. Michel, her hair still done that way Kaidan liked on…well, just about any head that wore it, smiled a genuine looking smile. "Ah, good: your memory is excellent. This is a good sign." She tapped a computer panel Kaidan didn't bother trying to see and then turned back to him. "But, do not take this the wrong way, Commander Alenko: I am deeply sorry to be meeting you again."

"Heh, yeah…those uh, those elevator shafts just jump up on you, huh?"

Elevator shafts? Smooth, Alenko—not suspicious at all.

Uh oh—Dr. Michel's smile was gone. Arms were crossed too—not good. "You fell from a height of twenty-five feet in a Blue Suns facility," she said. "Had you not struck a platform halfway between the railing and the floor you would have assuredly suffered more than a cerebral contusion and broken wrist."

Got him. "Ah…okay. Uh, maybe my memory isn't as great as you thought."

"If you are experiencing a memory impairment then I will need to prep you for a craniotomy, at the very least."

Kaidan blinked again. "Maybe let's…skip the brain surgery. The accident's a lot clearer now that you mention it."

Dr. Michel's frown disappeared, but that smile of hers didn't come back, either. In fact she uh…she looked a bit dour. Then Kaidan took a guess as to why: she looked behind him, out past the narrow windows that ringed his hospital room door, and out in the lobby…was Garrus. Head down, shoulders rolling in line with his breathing…God, it looked like he was taking heavy breaths. There was blackish sludge caked onto his armour…yeah, yeah that would've been blood. Two guesses as to who that blood belonged to.

"Your friend desperately wants to see you," Dr. Michel said, still looking out the windows.

Kaidan scanned for C-SEC people and then turned back to Dr. Michel. "He being kept out?"

"No—the officer on scene has allowed him more access than…" She tapped another computer terminal, focused on that for a few seconds, then finally looked at Kaidan again. "Well, whatever they are accusing Garrus of, the officer is not—comment tu dis?—tightening the screws, as of yet."

"Ah…but…he's still out there, is what I'm seeing."

"He wants to visit. I do not think he is letting himself do so, though."

"You figure?"

"I can tell from numerous signs."

Kaidan took another look at Garrus. Just breathing…that's really all he could see.

Back to Dr. Michel. "Hmm…any chance you'd switch places with me? Not the…traumatic brain injury, I mean—you probably need a functioning head more than me."

Dr. Michel smiled that nice smile of hers. "More than I, if I am correct in my English pronunciation. From the perspective of a doctor, a head matters for everyone. And as Mother used to say, we must remember that it needs a heart, too."

Kaidan tried to smile. Felt like it came out inside-out and backwards. "Right…right."

Dr. Michel did another round of checks on all the consoles and then bid Kaidan fare-thee-well, for now. As she left, Kaidan could tell she—and, hell, he was feeling this way too—were hoping the sound of the door would pull Garrus's eyes off the floor. It didn't—barely seemed to change his breathing, even.

So that left Kaidan…alone in his hospital bed. And…it was a nice bed, gotta give them that. Huerta was built into one of the skybridges that connected one side of the Presidum to the other, so it dangled about midway between the artificial sky and the ponds and greenspaces on the ground. Pure blue and clouds mixed with rolling green and sparkling blue…yeah, a fellow could recover pretty well with a scene like that. Hard not to: they were stacking the deck even before they got a needle into your arm.

Kaidan looked out at Garrus again. A block of light from the artificial sun had crawled its way onto his face…but his breathing didn't change, his eyes didn't move. It could've been frying his retinas and, from where Kaidan was standing (laying…), he'd've been just fine with that. Hell, you started to get the impression Garrus wanted to go blind.

Eye for an eye, right?

God…that thought made Kaidan…yeah, ignoring that. Ignoring a lot of things right now, even trying to ignore how he hadn't been back on the Presidium since…well he was gonna say since Shepard was alive, but that wasn't true. He was a military attaché for Chairman Burns on a trip out here—got to see Anderson in person again, that was nice—but that was a five-minute start. Last time he'd put boots to artificial ground for any real length of time they'd, uh, just finished picking up pieces of some nightmare generator called "Sovereign."

What the hell was Kaidan gonna do about this? Dr. Michel said officers, so, terrific: cops were involved. And sure his brains were scrambled, but he remembered pretty clearly how Harkin went over those railings right along side him. If cops were involved…yeah, and this wasn't getting into the fact that there was another target out there, and Garrus had admitted right to Kaidan's face that the new target wasn't surviving another day.

God he could…list all the thoughts he was having. Half the time they didn't even bother to wait for the old thought to leave the theatre. Garrus screwed up and he looked like he knew he screwed up—and part that screwup was being on the verge of throwing an unarmed idiot to his death (and nearly dragging your friend down there too, while he was at it). There was a mission that needed doing and it needed to be done well—no, not well, it needed to be done right, it needed to be done in a way that wasn't just an excuse to pretend that bullets were a substitute for therapists. And what he had to wonder at this point was if he and Ash had totally missed the ball on that or if he and Ash were on different pages, and where the hell that left the scrambled eggs he was authorized to wear on his cap by the Systems Alliance Parliament.

So yeah…a lot of thoughts. And the worst part of it all, in all honesty…was knowing that those thoughts were the vanguard party. A bunch more would be following close by, and they were too heady for someone that suffered a brain injury.

Whooshing to his side—the door just opened. All right…all right, shit, maybe he was gonna have to deal with them anyways.

Kaidan turned around and there was that police Captain from earlier, and damned if Kaidan didn't know whether he was relieved or disappointed that Garrus was still in the same spot as before.

He and the police Captain exchanged a glance and then the part of Kaidan's brain that'd been working before rebooted, finally.

"Captain uh…Bailey," he said. "Hey. It…is Bailey, right? Please tell me it is—I don't think memory problems are a good sign at this stage."

"Name rank and serial number, Commander—you got it all right there." Captain Bailey nodded, nudged his shoulder towards Kaidan's hospital bed. "Permission to approach the bench? Happy to stay back but, some sensitive things might be discussed and these doors ain't as hermetically sealed as maybe they should be."

Kaidan's turn to nod. "Counsel can approach."

Bailey took a small step. "Now, you've got every right to call me an asshole after this, but I'm gonna skip the pussyfooting: you and your friend are unfortunately in a heap of trouble."

Despite himself, Kaidan tried to sit up again…and regretted every friggin second of it. "Ack…yeah, well…in a hospital, I'd rather a cop tell me that than someone in scrubs."

"Yeaaaah I can imagine." Bailey folded his arms behind his back. "Still—gonna make your life hell, figure I'll warn you right now. We've got one of you on murder-two and a big question mark over the other. Gonna need to fill that gap in, painful as it's gonna be for the both of us."

Murder-two…all right, that answered a few questions.

"Blue Suns rat us out?" Kaidan said, laying back down again. "Old reliable Blue Suns testimony."

"No—wouldn't be murder-two in that case. It'd be an OSHA violation and a quiet civil suit, because New Dawn really outta check those railings in that 'barely used' factory every now and again, shouldn't they?"

Yeah…not the most comforting thought, all things considered. But…so much for that question being answered.

"What happened?" Kaidan said.

"Vakarian turned state's evidence on himself, is what happened." Bailey unfolded his arms, shook his head. "Which makes this a bit of a bonanza if you're a prosecutor. Less so if you're on the other side."

Kaidan blinked. "God…the whole thing? He told you the whole thing?"

"Basically filled out his own police report—kid's still got all the codes and house style down, two years later." Bailey waved a hand at nothing in particular, like he was swatting words or something. "And that's not some legal trick, either: he waved his Section Thirteen rights and then…sat down, looked at the floor…" He turned around to look at Garrus and Kaidan followed with his eyes. Yep, still sitting there…still doing the exact same thing.

Bailey clicked his tongue. "Can't imagine what's going on in his head."

"Yeah…makes two of us, Captain," Kaidan said.

Bailey kept staring, for a little while longer anyways. Then he turned back to Kaidan.

"Look uh…the law requires I be present, since we've basically converted Huerta into a holding cell." Now his body was shifting, looking like he was ready to leave. "But I don't badger trauma victims until they're good enough to take a swing at me."

Got it…got it and not entirely sure what he did to deserve the kindness, sir.

"Thanks, Bailey," Kaidan said. "…yeah, thanks."

Bailey nodded and turned to go. Kaidan held up a hand.

"Uh, just a second. Be honest with me: murder-two…what're the chances that gets reduced?"

Kaidan watched Bailey turn, stare, mull things over…leave him in suspense. "It's happened enough times that we've got a nickname for it," Bailey said eventually, "but let me tell you the score, so there're no illusions: only way he's getting less than ten is if a politician intervenes."

Shit. Fair but…shit.

"So by the Grace of God…or wherever politicians are supposed to come from."

Bailey took a step back towards Kaidan's bed and, well, he was probably trying to be friendly. Didn't look like he knew how to do friendly, not with his facial muscles, anyways.

"We've got a nickname for that situation too, and despite you being an upstanding guy I'd say you and him are prime candidates for divine intervention. But…I'd turn on the news at some point, if your head's feeling fine."

Bailey turned to leave—on that dramatic note—and even got a couple of steps in. But then he looked back at Kaidan and decided, apparently, to add a bit more drama to the mix.

"Things got weird out there while you were gone," he said.

And then he was through the door. Again, Garrus didn't so much as look up.

Kaidan stared at Garrus, then stared at the TV. Garrus, TV. Garrus, TV. Garrus…he wasn't moving. Or changing. Or, whatever, he was still the same way he'd been when Kaidan first came out of his coma.

He grabbed the remote and switched on the TV, turning it to the Alliance News Network.

"I'm gonna hate this, aren't I?" he said.

What Kaidan saw on ANN was this:

It started with a supposedly debunked rumour that Anderson had resigned, followed by a confirmed rumour that C-SEC was investigating a shared assassination plot against a journalist and a politician. Then there was a developing story about how the Alliance Navy was active pretty close to Batarian space, and this intersected with a previously reported story that the Collectors were spotted in the same area, too. And yet, all that was trumped, apparently, by the massive data leak that Cerberus was feeding the Hegemony, slaver groups, mercenary gangs, and possible the Collectors information about Alliance patrols and communications protocols, which meant all that talk about Alliance Marines in hanging around an unnamed Batarian colony might've just been a Cerberus disinformation campaign aimed at provoking a war between the species.

And then some panelist who was openly predicting the end of Anderson's tenure as Councilor—rumours be damned—topped it all off by saying:

"It all raises a frightening question: how is it possible that an undead Spectre is the least crazy thing to have happened this quarter?"

That panelist was talking about the stock prices, by the way.

"Oh what the actual fuck is all this?" Kaidan said.

3.

"Bailey fill you in yet?" the one turian cop said.

"Nah," the other turian cop said. "Just got here. Heard when the APB went out that some ex-C-SEC was involved."

"Yeah. Garrus Vakarian—ever heard of him?"

"Don't think so. Big guy on the force?"

"Eh, heard some things and heard some other things. But lemme tell you, bastard snuck into a factory lousy with Suns and not one of 'em knew he was there."

"Spirits, all right, that's impressive. Special Response?"

"Detective. You think they teach that shit in the Academy?"

"Wondering now. So what the hell happened?"

"Well after he snuck in he throttled a guy, tossed him over a ledge, then hauled some Alliance Marine that was with him out to the medics. Sounds like some'a the Suns tried to get him and he just pulverized them."

"Spirits…so what, they plug the Marine?"

"Nah, didn't look like a bullet-wound. Heard some doc say something about a 'contusion'."

"Maybe the street-pizza guy was just getting a taste of his own medicine."

"Sure as shit woulda done that if he'd tossed you over."

"Really?"

"Yeah…y'know, after I bought'm lunch first."

That was all Garrus could take. He stood up and started walking towards Kaidan's room, but...then he stopped. Only one place in this hospital he should be and…he couldn't do it. Couldn't walk through those doors, stand next to Kaidan, look down his works, ye mighty, and despair.

Spirits…he'd heard Ash say that. Ash and Shepard. Never bothered to look into what they were talking about, but now? Now one of them was off fighting the other…and that other was a nightmare machine wrapped in his old friend's skin. Dead to everyone that'd ever loved her in a past life.

The other was pretty much dead too. Garrus wasn't getting out of this room—not after he'd told them everything. And he'd told them everything because…he didn't know. Tried wracking that question around his brain before those two idiots in uniform started talking, but even without the noise, he'd made no progress. He told Bailey because it was a gut reaction thing to do, and now he was here, Ash and the others (Thane and Legion; Spirits, he could remember a hypocrite and a geth but he couldn't remember the rest of his damn team) were out there, and an iron wall of laws and criminal indictments was keeping them separate.

It'd been a gut reaction to tell Bailey; it'd been a gut reaction to scuttle that mission back on Omega, the one his brain drifted to after he was inside Huerta. Had to be—him, bowing down to Sidonis, letting him get away with his every whim? Had to be a gut reaction, because he should've seen it all coming, and something blocked that. Something leapt up into his field of view and kept him from seeing a coward, looking for a way out, get everything he wanted and still killing everyone in the end. Those were his people—his responsibility—Sidonis even said it, almost those exact words…and now they were all dead. Sidonis got his mission scrapped, Aria got to hoard her power over others, the Suns never got as weak as they could've been…and everyone ended up dead anyways.

Except Sidonis.

And now Kaidan was asking Garrus to make another call from the gut. He'd planned and planned—Spirits, he'd thought of how to give Sidonis a small taste of justice since the moment he knew what happened—but Kaidan tried to step in the way of that.

It didn't sound fair—didn't sound right, but…it was what happened. Kaidan tried to pull Garrus in a different direction, and he nearly ended up dead too.

He'd clear the air. He'd tell Kaidan what happened and why. He'd even help him plan what to do with one less infiltrator on the team, Spirits, he'd gladly do that. But the original plan—what Garrus had come to this station to do? He was going to see it through.

He could at least do that. The world wouldn't make any more sense than it did when he woke up that morning, but their'd be something different. Something a little closer to "right" in a place where hope always died in the womb.

Garrus turned around and walked towards the idiots in uniform. They stopped talking and turned.

"I need a favour," Garrus said. "From one of you." He turned to the one that claimed he'd toss someone over a ledge if they got his partner. "You."

"Uh, me?" the cop said.

"Lucky day," the other one said. "Now you two can make lunch plans."

The one cop walked away and Garrus zoned in on the other. "I need access to the Network. Quick name check—no serious digging."

"Network?" the cop said. "Uh, pretty tall order for someone technically under arrest. Gonna have to clear that with Bailey, ya understand."

"You could. But all I'm doing is making sure a trail doesn't run cold. You're aiding a criminal, but, that criminal's engaged in an investigation of his own."

"Got a lead on something?" the cop looked around. "So what, the guy you slapped pretty good—he had dirt you were looking into?"

"Still a criminal," Garrus said. "When I get a lawyer involved, if they find out I told you? You won't even need to worry about an execution."

"Hey hey I get it, I get it. Fucking lawyers." The cop looked around again. "Between you'n me? Y'know, I say 'the guy' like I don't know him. You see what I'm saying? Harkin—guy's a prick and worst of all, he makes the uniform look bad."

"In more ways than one, right?"

"Heh, yeah—touché. Point is…there's what the law says and what the law is, and whatever the law says about you…I got my own opinion, leaving it there."

"Appreciated," Garrus said, supressing the first smile he'd had in months, years, Spirits felt like forever. "Good to see the, uh, department isn't strangling people as much as they did, back when I was around."

"Yeah, sure," the officer said. "Things're peachy. Real peachy with a side-order'a I don't wanna fucking die every day." He held out his omni-tool. "All right. A little peak won't hurt anybody. What're you thinkin': check the database for recent arrests? Outstanding parking tickets? That gets a few people, believe you'n me."

"Just searching for any P.I.'s on file that've worked a C-SEC case before," Garrus said. "Won't go rummaging through the department's trash, but, I'll need someone with experience. Somebody who knows protocol and can keep up with real cops."

"Hey," the cop said. "Like I needed any more convincing. Here ya go: gonna hold this code up just like this…aaaaaaaaaaand put my arm right back down. Just stretching with my omni-tool out, no harm no foul."

"Might be a lot of harm's opposite number, if I get my way," Garrus said. He got the code. Mission successful: just so happened he was on his own.

The cop left and Garrus went back to his seat. No, no too open—to close to…too close. He had freedom of movement so, he might as well use it. Past some bodies, a parked gurney, and now three cops who'd all congregated and were wondering what they needed to be here for…Garrus found his corner.

No Dr. Michel, either. He'd seen her once and then moved to the other side of the room. Didn't need that memory—not today, probably not ever, nice girl or not.

He opened the database he was looking for—known assassins on the Citadel. Folks who should've been thrown out kicking and screaming if it wasn't for red tape. Had to be at least three times as many on the Citadel than this—had to be—but these were just the ones C-SEC knew about. Didn't need super skills or a degree in philosophy to take down one turian—an animal that got complacent and started thinking they were safe. Just needed a gun, and opening, and a witness. Then, if C-SEC managed to catch them in the act? No big loss—just one less scum off the station. News would pick up the death and Garrus could rest easy, figure out what the hell he was gonna do from the sidelines while a war was going on. If this killer-for-hire happened to have improved since they ended up in the database? Same situation, just a different face telling him the good news.

Garrus scrolled…and came across a name that jumped out, like it was the secret command for an overload blast.

It was under "K".

Krios.

Kolyat Krios.

The universe didn't make sense…but then, sometimes it did things like this.

"Two eyes, one stone," Garrus said.

He noted down the information, made the call, and deleted the records.

Then he walked back to his spot and did his best not to stare at Kaidan, still laying on his bed, on the other side of that door.

4.

Thing's gotten weird while he was gone…mpfh, yeah. Understatement of the year, Captain Bailey. That news story just went on and on…eventually Kaidan just shut it off and laid his head back on his pillow, having long-since given up on company about halfway through the panelist talking about the Seven Seals…

…thing was, though, that he couldn't get Bailey's words out of his head. Not the part about it being weird—the divine intervention part. That…wasn't something that you should've tossed around lightly, especially around Shepard's old crew (not that Bailey'd know but, if Ash was here she would've said something. And probably not what people would've expected, if they knew she was religious). No but it…stuck, regardless. Because Kaidan knew something about Garrus that Garrus probably forgot he knew, and so Kaidan needed a few minutes to make sure he wasn't doing this out of spite…and then he asked Dr. Michel to come into his room, if she had a moment.

"I need to make a call," he said. "I dunno if I'm under arrest, technically, but if you grab the information for me…well nobody's gonna say 'no' to you, I figure." Kaidan grimaced. "Sorry for basically announcing I'm using you as a means to an end but, uh, I don't wanna risk it with Bailey."

Dr. Michel looked at him.

"And who are you going to call?"

"If I say 'Ghostbusters,' are you gonna poison me?"

"This is a movie, yes?"

Kaidan cocked his head to the side. "Damn…oh-for-two on my references today."

"If you made a film reference before your accident, then I am afraid you are off on your timeline."

"Oh boy, that's the information I really needed right now." Kaidan's head sunk into his pillow and he closed his eyes, just temporarily, just…enough to let some things stop spinning around so he could get a hold of them.

"This person that you wish to call…he can help Garrus, yes?"

Kaidan opened his eyes and sat up. "Sorry, what was that?"

Dr. Michel looked behind her, then pulled up a chair next to Kaidan's bed. She leaned in just enough that nobody could hear her, if they accidentally walked into the room mid-sentence.

"Garrus…he saved my life, you remember? He did so at great person and professional peril. I know I was not priority—I am sure he had many, many other cases to attend to. I am grateful he chose me."

"Garrus…doesn't leave people behind," Kaidan said.

"He is troubled. Troubled does not mean 'bad.' Many people see one and assume the other, whether it is true or not—but for Garrus, I know that he comes from a good place."

"You don't have to convince me, doc."

"You are sure?"

Kaidan blinked. "Yeah…I…" Sigh just…sigh, let the breath out. Pick up your thoughts and come at them again. "He's troubled—you're right. Something happened to him that…I dunno, the details are sketchy. He wants them to be sketchy. And I mean…all's said and done, he didn't toss me over that ledge, and even after…um, all that, he still dragged me out to the medics and surrendered voluntarily." He turned to Dr. Michel. "So…yeah. When I'm honest with you, and I say I genuinely don't know what his next move is at this stage, and I think: if me ending up in ICU doesn't get him to re-evaluate a few things…well all's said and done, it just tells me he's carrying a galaxy's worth of trauma and nobody's bothered to slow things down for him yet." Kaidan blinked again. "Including his Commanding Officer."

He looked out the window, let that last bit settle in…and then felt Dr. Michel's hand on his shoulder. He turned just as she was standing up.

"You are a good friend to him, Commander Alenko," she said. "I will fetch what you have asked. This number, ah, which is it that you need?"

Kaidan told her. When she came back, he put it into his omni-tool.

"Is there uh…a way to get some privacy?" he said, before she left. "Outside's fine I just mean—"

"You would not like Garrus to see?"

"Frankly," Kaidan said, "I don't think anybody out there's gonna want to know who I'm talking to. Not if they're wearing a uniform."

Dr. Michel pulled a curtain over the door and…well, there wasn't any way to make it look like he was decent. Or not in a hospital, that's what he meant. Gonna raise some questions, that's for sure…

…hopefully that led to some help.

Kaidan held up his omni-tool and waited for the connection to go through. Please be home please be home please be home please—

A turian face appeared on his holographic screen.

"Castis," the face said. "You've reached the Vakarian residence. I'm just looking at your caller ID now: good afternoon, Commander Alenko."

Kaidan took a breath.

"Deputy Executor Vakarian, uh, sir," Kaidan said. "Hi. Uh, if you're wondering, um…"

"You look like you're in the hospital, Commander. Something the matter?"

Kaidan took another breath. And another…and that was it, no more stalling.

"Bit of an accident, uh, part of why I'm calling you, actually. And it's uh, it's just Kaidan, if that's all right. My rank and I don't always see eye to eye on things."

"Understood…Kaidan. In that case, it's 'Castis'. I'm retired, anyways." Both the image and Kaidan paused. "So…how can I help you, Kaidan?"

"It's uh…it's about your son. Garrus."

The image lurched forward. "Is he safe?"

"He's safe, yeah," Kaidan said. "Safe on the Citadel. He's not in the hospital—or, he is, but it's uh, it's just me that needs the bandages. So he's safe…"

A pause.

"I can hear the 'but', Kaidan."

Yeah, there's a but. Always is, during calls like this.

"I'm going to be straight with you, Castis—your son's in trouble. We both are, most likely, but Garrus, he's in the worst of it."

Kaidan couldn't get a read on Castis's face. Then again the orange light and the aftershocks of a headache he couldn't remember weren't doing him any favours.

"I see. Precisely how bad would you say it is?"

"Murder-two's, uh, been thrown around a bit, here."

"Spirits. So you're under guard, is what you're saying?"

"Yeah…yeah good guess."

"It's protocol, nothing more." Castis fell silent, looked like he was searching past Kaidan, into the walls of Huerta, for clues. Eventually, he said, "The last I talked with my son, he was holed up in…Spirits knows what or where. But he clearly thought he was going to die. I hadn't heard from him since and none of my remaining contacts on the Citadel knew anything. That was the thing, Kaidan: I knew they didn't know, rather than them simply not wanting to tell me. That's about all I had to go on that my son was still alive: for as big as the Hierarchy is, when there's a body, someone will find it and tell us, unless they've completely forsaken their entire civilization."

"We uh, we had a mission on Omega," Kaidan said. "Myself and another Alliance marine. We happened to run into him and, uh, that's where he ended up joining us."

"I see. This mission, with you and—you say one other marine?—that would have to have been a highly confidential deployment, given where you found my son."

"Yessir," Kaidan said. Just slipped out—yessir.

"So Garrus has been involved in the Alliance's manhunt for the late Commander Shepard."

Kaidan blinked.

"I…uh…" Kaidan finally shook his head. "This is gonna sound really informal, considering what we're talking about, but uh…how the hell did you piece that together?"

"Garrus talked about her often. As did Venari—excuse me, Executor Pallin. From the way Garrus described her, and how she comported herself in light of being given near-absolute power, Shepard being just another Spectre was one of the few things the Executor and I disagreed on."

"We were all in awe of her, in one way or another," Kaidan said. Felt good to say that…but Castis was shaking his head.

"If Garrus was simply in awe of her, I'd have been slightly worried. The fact he was frustrated by her, on occasion, is partially what pulled me over to her side."

"Ah, right. Because he's…got a bit of a rebel streak going." Kaidan blinked. "Wait, frustrated? Being perfectly honest with you, Castis: he never said a bad thing about her as far as I'm aware."

"Nor am I so aware," Castis said. "I read between the lines of what he said. His tone, his posture, his phrasing: when he criticized my rules, or the Executors, that was one thing. When he criticized Shepard, it came off entirely different."

"You mean…" Shit, he could see what Castis was getting at. At least he thought he could see. "You're saying Garrus saw Shepard, saw what she could and did do, and felt like he…didn't measure up?"

"Only in the sense that she got results in a way he'd long since dismissed as naïve, or wrong-headed. Possibly even with nefarious motives, I'm not entirely sure. If you've been with him that long, then you know that had to be quite the shock. He built a career in C-SEC out of being right while everyone else was wrong."

"God," Kaidan said. "I…y'know, I did some…some work for the Alliance Parliament, not too long ago. Still think that's the only reason I got this rank, if I'm being honest. I worked with the Subcommittee on Transhuman Studies as a miliary liaison, helping process all the claims of L2 implants still in service. And one of the things I learned, talking to some of the psychologists they brought on, was…what happens to a person when their worldview gets destroyed. Mortality salience is what they called it: when your survival instinct and your self-awareness run up against each other, if your worldview's got holes in it or it doesn't give your self-esteem the boost it needs, you lash out. You just…tee-off on the person closest to you and, if you think someone's a threat to everything that keeps you from freezing up in the face of death…you go after them, beat them down, get them out of the way so you can go back to pretending you're immortal."

Kaidan took a breath. That was a whole monologue…he'd been monologued at, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd given one himself.

Probably around Shepard, if he was being honest. Always came back to her.

"All speculative but…"

"It fits," Castis said. "And I don't know what happened on Omega, but I know it couldn't have been pleasant. He was no doubt faced with constant reminders of death."

"And then some," Kaidan said. "And then some…"

He looked out the window, briefly, and…yeah, Garrus wasn't the only one, wasn't he?

Jesus, he hadn't actually told Castis what he needed yet.

Snapping his head back to his omni-tool, he said: "So look, about what happened—"

But Castis…held up his hand.

"I have a feeling I know what you're about to ask me," he said. "You want to know if there's some way I can control how he's lashing out. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the answer is 'no,' I do not."

"Right but—"

"I've tried many, many times in the past to reach him. I failed. Because the cold, hard truth I've had to confront, ever since I thought he might be dead, is this: I can describe my son, but I don't know him. Not to the same extent as his friends and crew. Not to the same extent as someone like you."

"But…" Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose. "All due respect, sir—Castis—but I…I've tried everything. Notwithstanding what you think of us—of Garrus's friends; of Shepard's crew—notwithstanding that…I've tried everything and all that's happened is I've ended up in the hospital."

"Have you tried everything?"

"Pardon?"

"Have you truly tried everything?"

"Short of just…letting him kill someone or locking him in a box somewhere, yeah, I've tried everything."

Castis's image paused…and then it nodded.

"Then you haven't tried everything. You've only tried to do it properly. And that reason—in combination with your friendship, your history—is precisely why this is something you must do. Getting through to him…I won't be much help. But my son is in good hands regardless."

Kaidan…didn't know what to do. He just sat there, looking at Castis.

"Do things properly…"

Do it…with integrity. Do it with your principles intact, because your principles mattered—especially if they said everybody deserved a fair shake, whether death was coming for them or not.

Do it properly…

"I might be running out of time," Kaidan said.

"You've made plenty," Castis said. "You being by my son, still, is evidence enough."

Kaidan sighed. "I can't make any promises it'll work."

Castis shook his head. "I know. That's the trade-off, for people like you: you're perfectly cognizant of how you could fail. To me, that's far better than being cocksure that you'll see the job finished, consequences be damned."

"The consequences are pretty massive."

"All the more reason not to give in." Castis sighed. "I'm not here to preach—least of all to the converted. And for the record, I want Garrus to tell me what happened, if we ever speak again."

He cleared his throat.

"All I ask—and I recognize that this is a big ask, regardless—is to stay by my son as long as you can. It's a terrible thing, for a turian to think they're alone.

"Goodbye, Commander Alenko."

The line went dead.

Do it properly…do it with integrity…running out of time.

Kaidan's head sunk into his pillow, and stayed that way until he threw off his covers, felt someone douse his tendons in gasoline and then light a match…and marched towards Garrus.

They were running out of time, so this confrontation was happening now. It had to.

To do it properly…it had to happen now, whether Kaidan wanted it or not.

5.

What seemed like a long time fter Kaidan had called Garrus in; after Garrus had refused and needed to be pushed forward by Bailey; after they finally started to talk…a drell walked out of the elevator and onto the floor of Huerta Memorial. Chloe Michel, who was checking a colleague's notes on L2 implants, saw and met him at the police line.

"Excuse me," the drell said. "I'm looking for Garrus Vakarian."

"I am his attending physician," Chloe said. "How may I be of help?"

The drell, otherwise the definition of statue-esq, looked uneasy. Then he reached into his coat pocket.

"I'm a private investigator, hired by Mr. Vakarian to seek someone out. I have news—he asked for it to be delivered via traditional paper and envelope."

Chloe looked at the envelope. "Would you like me to take it to him?"

"That would be preferable. I'm needed elsewhere."

He handed her the envelope; she held it in her hands; and when she looked to tell the drell that Garrus would appreciate the news…she saw he was gone.

And with everything happening…she joined the ranks of lawbreakers that were held by C-SEC in her wing of the hospital.

She opened the letter.

When she got to the name—Lantar Sidonis—she stopped reading.

And that had been the first time, in a very long time, that Dr. Chloe Michel froze up in a hospital.

6.

Before that—before Kolyat dropped that envelope into Chloe Michel's hands—there was Garrus…and there was Kaidan, standing in a hospital room, a ray of light between them that might as well have been the same size as the Attican Traverse.

The first one to say anything—do anything—was Kaidan. His tendons registered their displeasure even when all he did was cross his arms.

"So you were sitting out there, for a while," he said. "And then I say we've gotta talk, and you try involving Bailey."

"I'm sorry you got hurt," Garrus said, mandibles clicking, talons digging into his palms, terrible words just dangling from the tip of his tongue, one bad decision away from getting sent out into a space he had no control over. "You weren't supposed to get wrapped up in any of this and it isn't fair you did, but that's why I tried to keep you at a distance. That's why I left you out cold in a broom closet."

"Yeah so, clocking me right in the nose is the…least concerning thing that's happened. I mean it—that doesn't even register anymore. So skip that and let's get to the part where this becomes a C-SEC problem."

"Wasn't supposed to be. Spirits know I can think of a million different torture methods I'd rather go through than deal with them. I was handling Harkin—all I needed was to get him to talk."

"You're dangling a guy over a thirty-foot drop by his throat, Garrus, I mean…you're making it pretty likely it's gonna end with one less person walking away, when all's said and done."

"Dangle him for a few minutes—maybe pretend to lose my grip—then he's back on solid ground and thinking how lucky he just got. That was the plan, Kaidan. And sorry to speak ill of the recently maimed but, you take away those five minutes I spent arguing with you? I don't lose my grip. I keep that hold and 'Fade' is busy being a better cop when he's in handcuffs than he ever was in uniform."

"Except you wanted to tear his guts out, didn't you? C'mon, no bullshitting, Garrus: when I heard everything you said about basically taking welding tools to him, part of you was dead serious, wasn't it?"

Silence. Glares from either side.

"I'm gonna wait as long as it takes for you to answer first," Kaidan said. "You say it, and then we move on from there."

More silence, more glares. That strip of light crept across the floor.

"Funny thing about an explanation," Garrus said. "The other person has to accept it, otherwise all you're really doing is standing there and getting punished. I've been on the other side of this desk enough times, Kaidan—I know exactly when someone like you already made up their mind, long before I even got the chance to talk."

"About what?" Kaidan said. "How if someone can't fight back you let up? You don't go around, looking for people who're distracted, and then punch them in the back of the head—totally out of the blue—as hard as you can? Even if you think they deserve it?"

"Distracted? Punch them?" Garrus chuckled, mirthlessly, venomously. "So that's what this is to you? A bar fight? Two turians slugging it out because one of them insulted the other's girlfriend? You have, no idea, what this is really about, Kaidan. You don't know a damn thing and that reason—that reason right there—is why if you and Ash and Thane were any good at your jobs I'd've been long gone, long done, and mission ready."

"Any chance you'll realize that's the only way I can describe it? Distraction, punching, out of the blue—you might not like it, but the fact is, this guy you're after's a civilian now, all right? I dunno how much you told Bailey but if you said anything about Sidonis—"

"Tread extremely carefu—"

"—easy, easy, I'm finishing this sentence, all right? You told Bailey and he didn't immediately call in the Citadel Fleet to glass the ward, then, sorry, but chances are Sidonis hasn't done anything to anyone since he left Omega."

"And that's all right? He pretends to but anything else than a coward and a murderer and all that goes away? Ten men are dead because of him! Ten GOOD MEN got torn apart because of what he did, and he can just move on and get your forgiveness?"

"I'm not forgiving him for anything! I'm saying—Fist, Helena Blake, Nassana Dantius, Rana Thanoptis, Saren—Saren, Garrus, the guy w-who killed ten people at least within the first five seconds of stepping on Eden Prime. Shepard tried to talk them down—"

"NONE OF US are Shepard!"

"You were THERE and you LET HER you didn't—you didn't try and jump in and kill the bastards when—"

"This is different this is PERSONAL, Kaidan!"

"None of us are Shepard fine, I agree with that, but even then she and that batarian terrori—Balak, even when Balak was staring her right in the face she made sure everyone knew how personal revenge—"

"I CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!" Garrus said, and the whole universe stopped to stare at him. That strip of light was like the glare of some great Spirit peering into him, judging him, shining into his face so he knew he couldn't escape it—not after he'd said what he just said.

Kaidan…didn't say anything. He let Garrus take the lead—he had to let Garrus take the lead.

Garrus's sigh rattled through him like a malfunctioning shuttle.

"The people Saren killed? Balak? The rest? Somewhere, somebody knows about them. Somebody filed a report or put up a memorial, so when the Reapers roll through and kill us all? They get forgotten together, no one left behind on their own. But my team…they're already forgotten. No memorial; don't even have a grave. I put them together, I had their names their skillsets their pasts all up here, all up in my head, and I watched them all burn on a fire-pit because the Suns convinced a district guard these bodies had a disease of some kind. That's one of the only times I remember their faces…that and when I'm back staring at their bodies for the first time."

Garrus reached up, pulled off his visor.

"And that? Unless I'm holding this in my hand—staring at it…that's the only time I remember their names. They scream out to me, and I try screaming back…but unless I'm back there, in my mind…I can't even hear the screams."

Garrus put it back on.

"You ever get to that point, Kaidan?" he said. "Where you want to hear the screams? Because then at least you know you're remembering them?" Garrus shook his head. "I'm not saying it's right. Hell I'm not even saying it's my fault. I got them killed, but forgetting them? I'm willing to grant that a lot of people would be in my position, might even want to rush it along, just for some peace and quiet. The only thing I know is, when I think about them, and I'm not pulled back there…I only see one face. Hear one name."

Garrus paused. His breath finally came back to him.

"If that name isn't in the universe anymore…maybe the others come back. I have to try. I owe my men that much."

And silence after that, yet again…

Garrus and Kaidan stared at each other. That strip of light contracted behind a support beam, blinked itself out of existence.

Garrus shook his head.

"So there you go. You got an explanation. What now?"

Kaidan sighed…and he felt that sigh rattle through his ribcage and send a wave of fire through his tendons. Least important part of the present moment, though, that pain.

"Garrus," he said. "I…I am so sorry. I don't even have the words to…I don't have any words, any of them, to even get to where I want to go. I didn't know."

"You weren't supposed to," Garrus said. "Being on the Alarei ended up giving me a good excuse to keep quiet…but none of you were supposed to know. At any point."

"Until the deed was done."

"If it worked there wouldn't be a slowdown—nobody'd need to put aside their job and deal with my problem, my mistake. If it didn't work then…" Garrus's eyes drifted to the window.

"I'm sorry, Garrus—I really am. It…yeah. Like I said, no words."

Garrus breathed in. "No words are fine. Still don't have them all myself—might never get to that point. But hearing what I've told you…you're standing where you are, I'm standing where I am, and there's a gun in my hand with the barrel against Sidonis's head. Hearing what I've said…d'you make a move? Even after all that, d'you still think we're better off with me holstering that gun?"

Kaidan paused, breathed, stared at the floor…then stared at his bed, where he'd made a call that still didn't feel like had helped him much at all.

Kaidan let out that breath.

"Yes," he said.

"Spirits," Garrus said. He started pacing; his mandibles clicked to the point where it sounded like bone was being sheered off with every vibration.

"I'd make a move…because what you're going through, it's wrong," Kaidan said, standing his ground, crossing his arms, trying his best to keep his face the same as it'd been when Garrus finished his story. "You suffering is wrong, and somebody somewhere needs to step up and help—somebody who's better at it than a marine who's two ranks too high. But I can't…I can't imagine a world where I get to say, with all seriousness, that suffering is wrong and Sidonis deserves to die."

"Spirits it's an easy connection to make, Kaidan."

"Sidonis owes you, Garrus—god does he ever owe you. I dunno exactly how he did it but he owes you big time. But he owes you as one person to another. It's gotta be that way."

"I don't need a psychologist." Garrus stopped pacing. "I don't need someone else telling me that I can't get peace from a gun. I gave up on peace when we hit Horizon, Kaidan. I saw someone I never wanted to see in my crosshairs and at that point I knew, for anyone like me, peace was a lie. This universe isn't built for peace. I'm doing this because unless I do, then universe goes on condoning the murder of good people."

"And that's…" Kaidan sighed. "That's exactly why I can't let you. Because if I do…then the universe goes on being a place where terrible people do terrible things to each other, one hurt friend at a time."

Yet again, that left them staring at each other. Garrus and Kaidan stared down a friend as hospital machines beeped and skycars zipped by, and muffled shouts and sobs and the clinking of C-SEC armour surrounded the hospital room like insulation. The strip of light was gone from the room—the artificial sun had moved and carried it away.

Then all the sounds came rushing in as the door opened, and Dr. Michel walked in on a human in bandages staring down a turian whose pain she understood better than ever before.

"Garrus," she said. She paused, let him at least acknowledge her before she approached, and when he finally did, she moved slow—as if telling a patient the type of news doctors never wanted to have. Her eyes dropped to the envelope.

"This…it just arrived for you. From a man who said he was your Private Investigator."

She handed it to him; he took it.

And when it was in his talons…his lungs emptied, a searing fuzziness entered his head, and whether his mandibles were clicking or not, he couldn't tell. He had no feeling in his body, and his hearing was gone too.

A muffled voice with a human accent he'd never heard from anyone else said to him, "He was in this hospital—a room not far from here—when it happened. I can tell you how it…how it happened, if you wish," just as Kaidan took a pained step closer to Garrus.

But Garrus backed up, away from Kaidan, away from Dr. Michel.

The envelope that Kolyat had delivered contained a plain white piece of paper with two lines of writing on it. It was in Cipritinian—no visual translation software needed.

It said:

Sidonis, Lantar: real named used, no fake ID needed.

Status: Dead.

7.

It'd been a skycar…that's what Dr. Michel told them. Happened a few weeks ago, too: either when Kaidan and Ash were on Illium and Garrus and Tali were on Horizon, or when they'd met up on the Mars to figure out what they were gonna do. Kaidan thought Garrus would stay for Dr. Michel's who story—the whole explanation—but…no, once she said, "skycar," that was it. He left Dr. Michel and Kaidan in the room, the door open and the sounds of normal life trickling in.

"I…did not help," Dr. Michel said.

"You did," Kaidan said. "I'm sure you did. If you uh…if you know, um, why Garrus being here is connected to what you just said…you probably helped."

"You sound as certain as I feel."

"Yeah well…no guarantees, with these things…I guess."

The door kept itself open thanks to a C-SEC uniform standing just close enough to the sensors to keep triggering them. The moment Kaidan and Dr. Michel stopped talking, that C-SEC uniform turned and walked in.

"Commander," Captain Bailey said. "Been watching our mutual friend since he stormed out of here—he's looking tempted to leave, if my eyes are right."

"Shit," Kaidan said. He winced as his limbs started moving again, but he was heading through that door. Right up until Bailey's hand stopped him, however.

"You keep him here and I'll work on getting us a quiet room," he said. "Grab a statement from you both, speed the process up. He touches one of my officers between then and now, though, and I stop being friendly—lemme make that clear as can be."

Kaidan nodded. "You've been doing us one big favour after another, Bailey—I'm not gonna let either of us waste that." He quickly looked back at Dr. Michel. "You too. What you said…he needed to hear it, no matter what."

"But you have to deal with the fallout," she said.

Kaidan looked at the ground, then nodded—much more slowly than last time. "That's why I've got scrambled egg on my cap, ma'am."

He found Garrus quickly. Wasn't trying to leave, that was good; but he was staring at the door, off in a corner, and some C-SEC people were doing their best to make it look like they weren't nervous.

Kaidan waited behind Garrus…and eventually, after who-knows how long, Garrus turned around.

"Spent an eternity on this," Garrus said, voice low…low and tried. "Planning, tracking…obsessing over any scrap of news, preparing myself just to make sure I'd jump at any opportunity to set things right…and he's taken out by a skycar. Blink of an eye…and that's it, just like that—that's it." Garrus looked at the floor for and saw nothing, just the floor pulsing in his vision, beating the same frequency as his heart. "What do I do now?"

"I can't imagine what this feels like for you, Garrus," Kaidan said. "I said that already, I know, but…I can't imagine. And I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

Garrus looked up. He didn't glare at Kaidan, though, he just…looked. His posture was off and he just looked and the whole universe kept pulsing, right in line with his heart.

"I know what I told myself I'd feel," Garrus said. "Planned for it, just like I planned everything else. First real thought I had after hearing Dr. Michel though? Was give him to Cerberus, they'll bring him back. After that? After that thought? It stopped feeling like my brain was eating itself from the inside out. The thought I might actually get a second chance at this? Feels like thinking that is the only reason I can string a sentence together."

Garrus tried to actually look at Kaidan this time—actually see him standing there, instead of just staring past him while his head pounded itself into oblivion.

"What'do I do now, Kaidan?"

"Is that really my call?" Kaidan said.

"It can't be mine," Garrus said. "Not anymore." Garrus shook his head and tried to empty some of the weight that was forming in the front of his head, as if that's how things like this worked. None of the pressure left—he was stuck with it, just like he was stuck with everything else.

"I'll be in a cell somewhere—we both know that. All that talk about the mission about readiness…the Reapers will come and I'll be in a box, watching them kill everyone…waiting until they finally get to me, too."

"You said something about that already," Kaidan said. "I said something about Saren, and you were talking about the people he'd killed. They'd all get forgotten together when the Reapers rolled through." He took a step closer to Garrus. "You really think it's hopeless? Be honest—gun to your head…are you really thinking we're all dead no matter what?"

Garrus looked away from Kaidan. "Scariest thing about that, Kaidan…is I just didn't care."

"You cared before we got here. You cared on Horizon…on the Rayya."

"I know you'n I'd both like to believe that," Garrus said, "but it might not be true. And just the possibility of that is enough to be a problem." He finally looked back at Kaidan. "It's your call now, Commander…it has to be your call."

Commander…right. Garrus'd just been honest with him; least Kaidan could do was be honest too.

"My uh…Grandmother was a teacher, back on Earth," he said. "Sounds pretty close to a cliché I know—maybe that's why Mom went into law, just to avoid…doesn't matter. Point is…Grandma liked it well enough but she said there'd be a point—usually when she saw something on the news or, right after she'd talked to a kid from a troubled home—where she'd realize…I've got somebody's life to worry about. And not like the usual CO kind of way where you're trying to keep this person alive: she was talking about somebody's potential, everything they could be."

Kaidan scratched at his arm. Honesty…keep being honest.

"When I was OPS on the Normandy—which uh, well, you remember; mostly meant I'd liaison with the marines and make sure they did their drills—I was supposed to keep people alive. I failed with Jenkins and I still think about that…but I wasn't in charge of helping Jenkins be all that he could be—that would've been Anderson, if Saren hadn't screwed things up for everybody. And then when Jenkins was gone and Anderson got grounded…everybody on that ship was Shepard's responsibility, and she took that role seriously—serious enough my Grandmother would've told her to live a little just for herself."

Kaidan chuckled, shook his head…and then tried another chuckle. It was so hollow you could hear wind whistle through it.

"Now that they've slapped extra bars on my uniform and egg on my cap…now I am responsible for stuff like that. And talking about you, Ash, Thane now, I guess—we're talking about people I consider friends." One last attempt at a chuckle; it came out like a failed breath. "I'd be scared shitless at the best of times, Garrus. But on top of everything else, I'm taking over for Shepard. People call me by my rank, and it sounds like they should be talking to her."

"You mentioned that on the Mars," Garrus said, the first sign of life he'd had in a while.

"Yeah," Kaidan said. "Yeah…didn't get any better since, apparently. You know, you're dealing with a kid from Vancouver…whose big claim to fame is not dying on Virmire and getting brain camp shut down. Something like this, you really should be dealing with Shepard."

Garrus's mandibles started clicking again. Should've said he was doing fine, try to reassure him. But everything died on the way to his lips. Kaidan risked his whole damn life to keep Garrus on the right track…and in thanks? He was going to let him stew.

Spirits…and he'd even called Garrus a friend.

"The point I'm making, Garrus, is…yeah. I'm just a kid from Vancouver—I'm not Shepard. You need somebody who do right by you. Somebody who's actually in a position to help you in the way you deserve."

"You're pulling me from the mission," Garrus said. He didn't ask; he stated it flatly, like he was talking about how doors worked.

"I'm recommending you for mental health leave, and then I'm gonna stop pretending I've got the magic touch," Kaidan said. "I'll make sure you get who you want when you want, and if Hackett or Anderson need a fifty-page report explaining why, I'll write them a hundred page one. But, Garrus, what you said? About the Reapers? I can't let you carry that around with you. I don't know how to get you back on your feet, but I know I can't let you carry that around with you."

Garrus looked out at the hospital, at every normal person in it who'd managed to go this long as a fully functional thinking breathing creature, or at least hid whatever was ripping and tearing them from the inside better than he'd managed.

Garrus sighed. "Because if you don't, nobody will—right?"

"No," Kaidan said. He put his hands on his hips and tried to straighten his posture. "You're not alone in this—I'm not alone in wanting to help you. I just need to make sure the good guys have enough of a head-start to win this one."

"The good guys have the right intentions, but they're not me. They can't be—they wouldn't be the good guys anymore."

"Garrus c'mon—"

"I just mean…mmm, I mean a lot of things. But the problem is that nobody we know's gone through what I did. We tried a random psychologist once—all I did was shut down or threaten him."

Kaidan scratched at his chin. "On the Rayya, right? Ring, I think?"

"Run. His name was Run."

"Right…fun name." Kaidan shook his head. "Look I can't pick anybody for you—that'd…defeat the purpose. But you mention Run, and I'm thinking…you're dealing with something in the past that's basically consumed everything about you, inside and outside, right?"

"You know that's the case."

"Well if you're worried about people not getting where you're coming from…tell me the quarians aren't dealing with the same problem."

"Some people'd be pretty offended by that comparison," Garrus said. "Tali included."

"Tali's the one who found you on the verge of stabbing an Admiral," Kaidan said. "I can guess her priorities, I think."

"Tali's got enough to worry about without being my therapist."

"Yeah, I know. But you already met Run…I'm just saying, maybe give him another chance?" Kaidan shook his head. "Look I already told you: I'll back you up best I can. The decision's yours, though, so Run's just a suggestion—nothing more."

Garrus paused…and then sighed. "And I already told you: it can't be my call. Not anymore."

Kaidan was going to say something else—hell a part of him wanted to argue the point, for probably no good reason—but it'd apparently stopped being both their calls a long time ago. The sound of rushing feet caught their ears and, when Kaidan turned around, Dr. Michel and Bailey were right in front of him.

"I made…I attempted to help," Dr. Michel said. "I do not know if I did and I roped poor Captain Bailey into it, too."

"She's hopping in front of a bullet I'm more than happy to take," Captain Bailey said. "Fact is, I endorsed what she said and did the grunt work. Either of you two get pissed at her, you better direct is at me, where it belongs."

Garrus and Kaidan both blinked.

"Sorry what?" Kaidan said.

"Look people aren't as stupid as politicians think we are: we can put two-and-two together," Bailey said. "Like how you're both Shepard's crew, how Councilor Anderson talked about sending a special team to bring her in and how there's some nasty information leaking out of the Bahak System. Guess that's three-and-three."

"Wait, Bahak System?" Garrus said.

"Shit," Kaidan said. "The news reports, about an Alliance op around Batarian Space. That's…it got leaked that—"

"This is exactly what we are trying to mean," Dr. Michel said. "You both, you are involved in something that is large, yes? And while we do not know why you are on the Citadel, we do believe you are needed elsewhere."

"And if Fade's the only body you left for me to clean up," Bailey said, "I obviously can't guarantee that you'll get away with it forever—not after the write-up you gave me. But I'd bet good money that we'll either be dead or you'll be long past caring once the bureaucracy catches up to us."

"Except we may have made it worse," Dr. Michel said.

Kaidan was going to say "how." But then the door opened and someone in a white suite yelled, "Officer—I need to see your direct supervisor. As soon as is physically possible."

"The Councilor's office…they said they were not sending Anderson," Dr. Michel said.

"The aim was to grab Anderson," Bailey said. He looked at Kaidan. "News is pretty weird today, isn't it?"

"Shit," Kaidan said under his breath.

"Right over there, Mr. Udina," the badgered officer said.

And then everyone relinquished control of the situation to Udina, whether they wanted to or not.

"Captain Bailey," Udina said, marching right up to him. "On behalf of the Councilor of Humanity, let me say that we deeply regret involving C-SEC in this affair. Your people are no doubt busy beyond comprehension, and we ought to have made a greater effort at informing you that the Alliance Provost Corps are investigating this matter sooner, far sooner than we evidently have. I hope this hasn't pulled you away from any pressing work, Captain."

"I'm sure we'll find a way to make up for it," Bailey said. He looked at Kaidan, shrugged, looked at Garrus…and then turned around. "All right people! Hospital inspection's over—lets leave the medical professionals alone so they can go back to saving lives!"

Bailey nodded at Dr. Michel, and then that was that: C-SEC was gone, every last one of their officers.

Udina turned to Dr. Michel.

"Doctor, I hope these two gentlemen haven't given you trouble. Huerta Memorial is busy for a reason: your quality of care is second to none."

"They have been nothing but gracious towards us," Dr. Michel said. "As Commander Alenko's attending physician, however, I—"

"Gracious, does not even begin to describe you, my dear," Udina said. "However in much the same vein as with Bailey, the Alliance has protocols in place: they dictate we ferry any wounded soldiers into our care immediately. Especially those soldiers with confidential military records."

"Yes but I—"

"Commander, Vakarian—let's leave these people alone as well. We'll retire to your room, Commander, and if necessary will arrange medical transport after other logistics have been sorted out."

Udina took a step forward, but Dr. Michel grabbed his arm. "Mr. Udina—there are undoubtedly political rules that I am ignorant of, but we are in a hospital. There are medical rules that under no circumstance will I allow to be violated. Is this as clear as it can be to you?"

Udina paused, and Kaidan, Garrus—probably anybody who'd been within earshot—all stared at Dr. Michel's hand, wondering how the galaxy's officiousist of all possible pricks was going to remove it.

Udina simply inhaled.

"Of course," he said. "I speak for the whole of the Councilor's office when I say that in all matters medical, we avoid overstepping our boundaries. Which rule am I giving the impression that I wish to break, Miss…?"

"Informed consent," she said. "Commander Alenko and Garrus Vakarian must fully consent to their discharge from Huerta. Should I suspect at any point that—"

"Your concern is perfectly understood, Doctor," Udina said, "and I can assure you that any logistical decisions made will be decided solely by the facts and by these two gentlemen's impressions of them. You have my word."

Dr. Michel didn't move; not for a long while. But, eventually, she said: "We will see."

Udina took off into Kaidan's room…and while they both tried to give Dr. Michel a reassuring look (first time they'd been on the same page in forever, felt like), they didn't have enough time to do a proper job of it. Dr. Michel disappeared back into the river of people just as the door to Kaidan's hospital room shut.

"I have strict orders from the Office of the Councilor to transfer you directly to Admiral Hackett's command," Udina said.

"Anderson's sending us to Hackett?" Kaidan said.

"The Office of the Councilor has made a specific order, yes. I trust that no further questions are necessary."

"Exact opposite," Garrus said. "Anderson doesn't make moves like this without consultation. Something's not right."

"Something is indeed not 'right'," Udina said. "Whatever is happening in the Bahak System has degraded into a full-blown pan-galactic crisis. The Council is at our throats about violating Hegemony Sovereignty and the hyperbolic rumours of why Alliance troops are even there has effectively chained the news cycle to their radiator. And this neglects, somehow, the perfectly timed information war that we appear to be waging against Cerberus, the bastards. Hackett needs competent people—the Citadel penal system needs to wait its turn."

Kaidan and Garrus took all that in. That was easier said than done.

What was even harder was Kaidan turning to Garrus, seeing that look on his face…and then realizing he was serious—Garrus—he was really, honestly serious about this being Kaidan's call.

They'd apparently taken all that in for too long, because Udina coughed.

"Now—what's this about a medical discharge. Commander," he looked at Kaidan, "Vakarian," he looked at Garrus, "are you fit for duty?"

Kaidan and Garrus exchanged a look. Garrus's face hadn't shifted—he was still being serious.

"Just some uh…minor bruising on my part," Kaidan said. "Scratches, uh…I had some internal bleeding a bit but, they got that sorted out right away."

"Fine, good," Udina said. "Then we have no problems there." He turned to Garrus. "What about you?"

"His case is a little different," Kaidan said.

"Is he not able to tell me that himself?"

"My commanding officer is relaying an update to you," Garrus said. "You keep your thoughts to yourself for five minutes and you might just hear some of it."

"Easy, Garrus," Kaidan said.

Garrus gave him a glare…but it disappeared quick, way quicker than you'd expect from him.

Not that that standard meant much at this point, did it?"

"Apologies, Commander," Garrus said. "Just trying to get things moving."

"You and I are in perfect agreement, then," Udina said. "So make your explanation fast, Commander—before I'm selected for a colorectal examination just for looking grouchy."

Garrus looked at Kaidan, Udina looked at Kaidan, and if Kaidan hadn't been stuck in his own head, he'd have looked at Kaidan, too, whatever the hell that meant. Too many prying eyes…made all the times Shepard left her helmet on seem a lot more sensible.

"We're pretty sure, at this point, that Garrus is suffering from severe battle fatigue," Kaidan said. "Before he joined with us he was running an op on Omega: if you know anything about Omega then you know what kind of hell he had to wade through. Now factor in that we grabbed him right around the time Shepard…or, um, whoever it is that's wearing her skin—factor in that she was already active and causing serious casualties to civilian populations, and there just hasn't been time for him to rest, take stock, all of that." Kaidan looked at Garrus, tried to gauge if he was saying the right things. Garrus was hard to read as ever, though.

Kaidan said, "Garrus is essential to the mission—we're stronger with him in the field, in the planning room, across the whole spectrum of operations, you name it. But I want him better. I need to know I'm not signing a friend's death-certificate just by pulling him away from people who want to help him."

Another look at Garrus—again, hard to read. God…maybe that was on him. Maybe Kaidan couldn't read faces as well as he though; even that serious look he saw earlier was all in his head.

Then he looked at Udina. Same issue, different look: Udina always had the glare of somebody whose coffee got spiked with urine.

"We have a saying in the diplomatic corps," Udina said. "If Shepard liked you, it was either because you lulled yourself to sleep with the words to kumbaya or because you could kill things ten times your size. So yes, I completely agree with your assessment: Mr. Vakarian is essential to your operational success." His hand went up to his chin like he was teaching a philosophy course. "'Battle fatigue': that's just another name for PTSD, is it not? PTSD knocks soldiers out of wars, Commander: and we are assuredly on the very cusp of one right now."

"I gave you my thoughts, Udina," Kaidan said. "And that's all they really were: just thoughts. Commanding officer or not, Garrus is a friend. I want him better and if it's between that or forcing him to the frontlines, then it's not even a choice for me—I know where I'm leaning." He looked at Garrus. "It's your call, ultimately. I know you're saying it's mine, but all I'm telling you is, I wanna make sure you're safe out there. If that means you focusing on you for a while, then that's the way it is. Everyone we know will understand."

And Garrus…was still unreadable. But at least he looked like he heard what Kaidan said, loud and clear.

Garrus turned to Udina.

"Operational fitness means being committed to the plan, the people you're next to, the long-term objective," he said. "No distractions, no hang-ups. Figuring out how to get back to where I was when Shepard first picked me up, it'll be good for the mission. If it's good for the mission, it's good for everyone—you included."

Udina kept his hand up under his chin. When he dropped his hand…he really wasn't any more readable than before.

"If Anderson were here he'd look for a compromise," Udina said. "I am evidently not Anderson, so you'll need to help me see what the compromise solution is."

Both Kaidan and Garrus gave each other a look.

"Spare me the theorizing on what my actual motivations are," Udina said. "I've debated the contents of my own head more this week than the past thirty lifetimes, if I'm right and I've truly been cursed to relive the life of a politician for eternity."

Another look…but that'd snapped them out of their own "theorizing," that was for sure.

"You include C-SEC in this," Garrus said, "and the compromise is: I wait around long enough to get well, then get arrested."

"C-SEC is a non-factor," Udina said. "Despite your attempts to the contrary, nobody would consider Harkin's death murder-two."

"Including you?" Kaidan said.

"Especially me," Udina said.

"Really?" Garrus said. "Not about you and Harkin—I'm talking about Citadel Security. The C-SEC from two years ago would've treated this like any other homicide."

"And in those two years," Udina said, "there's been a change in management tactics. They don't get bogged down in turning blessings into PR crises."

"Only major change in management is my dad retiring."

"Then perhaps he had undue sway in the organization, Mr. Vakarian. A distinct possibility, isn't it?"

Garrus just stared; Kaidan stepped closer to Udina, like somebody had booted him from behind.

"The compromise solution is the best solution, then: Garrus comes with me, but gets treatment on the frontlines. Me, Hackett, a therapist of his choice—just someone for him to say what he needs to say at any pace, any time." Kaidan's joints creaked as he tried to assume a military posture. "You make that happen, Udina, and we're back on track. Everyone is."

Kaidan expected a long pause—long enough that he'd have to worry about what he said and where he'd dropped the ball. But it wasn't a long pause; it happened all within the beat of a hear monitor, it felt like.

"And this is sufficient for you, Mr. Vakarian?" Udina said.

"If it helps the mission," he said, "then I'm trained to say yes."

"Indeed you are…" Udina put his hands behind his back. "I'll need lists: comprehensive lists. While someone who isn't me deals with the medical bureaucracy, you can compile them and send them on their way. I'll make what needs to happen happen, and with minimal fuss."

"You're sure?" Kaidan said.

"I'm choosing to interpret the question as you asking how I'll keep the press and the official opposition at bay while Alliance taxpayers fund a turian's journey of self-discovery. And to that I say the press will be too busy picking the meat from the official opposition's bone to be a problem. You'll know what I mean in a few days, no doubt."

Udina unclasped his arms, walked to the window. "Start preparations, Mr. Vakarian. In the meantime, I'd like to speak to the Commander alone, for merely a second. Human business: nothing impacting your mission but the rules of propriety state I should be discrete about who I tell this to."

Kaidan and Garrus exchanged a look again…but that was it, Garrus walked out of that room right after. And again Kaidan couldn't read him, and again that seemed like something he should've learned by now, if he was half the person as the woman he was succeeding in this role.

"Commander. A word, please."

God, right, okay. Deal with this first, apparently. Kaidan shook his head, walked to the window, and squinted as the change in light slapped his pupils around a bit. When the colours of the world returned, Kaidan assumed a military posture with only slightly less difficulty than before.

"Yessir," he said.

Udina kept looking out the window. "I've been told that you have a finger on the pulse of galactic politics. You take after your former Commander in that regard, so I've been told."

Instinctively, Kaidan's hand rose. "Just…"

"Apologies," Udina said, still not turning from the window. "Sensitive subject—I understand. My point is that you have a skill that some might claim is thoroughly undervalued in the Alliance Navy. I'd like to give you something to make up for that oversight."

A pause. Probably two, actually, given how long Kaidan stayed silent. "And what might that be?" he said eventually.

Finally, Udina turned, and out came his omni-tool. "My card. What humanity needs we can't yet ask for—not until a nebula's worth of dust has settled. When it does, I want you to be at the front of the line."

Kaidan's hands stayed where they were. "What line? What exactly does humanity need?"

"What humanity needs…is a Spectre."

And that was…wow. That…wasn't something Kaidan ever thought he'd hear. Not in a million years, you know, like the old childhood saying used to go. A million billion. A major decision, something he should think over for weeks and weeks—even if it was just provisional, even if it was just the promise of a potential future promise, i was met and everyone was happy. A major, major decision…

Kaidan held up his omni-tool and let Udina transfer his card to him.

"And Anderson approves of this, I guess?" he said.

"Anderson wouldn't want to be involved," Udina said. "It wouldn't be proper."

"'Wouldn't'…so he's not, is what you're saying."

"This is on your own merit, Commander. Remember that—you're here because of you, not because of anyone or anything else."

Udina started towards the door but, once he passed Kaidan's (now former) hospital bed, he stopped and turned around. "Think it over, but let me be the first to say: humanity needs you in this position. Good day."

That left Kaidan alone in his room, just beeping machines and that brief flood of hospital noise when the doors opened. Think it over…yeah, yeah Kaidan should absolutely do that. Basically said as much inside his own head, actually, now that you mention it.

But the only thought that found any purchase in Kaidan's brain was: Udina was never that nice to Shepard, not even after the whole thing that happened on the Citadel.

The whole Reaper thing on the Citadel.

So what the hell?

Well...something to worry about later, anyways. Right now...right now the universe was hopefully gonna become just a bit more hospitable, just in time for them to hit whatever the Bahak System had in store for them.

So yeah...something to worry about later. Right now...just focus on making sure Garrus new it wasn't hopeless. Make sure Garrus new he wasn't hopeless.

Spectre business was pretty small, compared to something as big as that.

8.

The shuttle'd just pulled past the end of the Citadel's arms, out into the purple nebula and the floating Citadel Defense Fleet ships. Mostly turian, those ships—a few asari and human ones, but still mostly turian. Even after the drubbing they'd taken at the hands—mmm, tentacles—of Sovereign, the Hierarchy kept moving forward. Never retreat, that was always the motto. Just move backwards with your gun up, your squad-mates beside you…and some artillery pieces ready to blow the hell out of whatever was chasing you if it really got hairy.

The turian way of doing things…

It'd take a while for Garrus to be able to think of that saying and not see Sidonis, right in front of him, sharing a drink with him right before the murders started. It'd take a while for Garrus to think about Sidonis and not immediately wonder where he was, what part of the galaxy he was fouling up just by being there. It'd take a while for Garrus to do anything, it felt like. Something was holding onto his legs and pulling him back, and it'd taken Dr. Michel to make him realize just how far back those things had dragged him. No…'back' implied he'd been therefore. The things he'd tried to do? Kaidan was right: that wasn't him. The Garrus of two years ago? Two years before Archangel? He'd never have done what he tried to do the past two, three days.

Mmm…most people'd hear that and think that was self-serving. "That's not me" is the kind of thing a mass murder says when they're on trial. Admitting that, though? Finally? No, it didn't feel self-serving. What it felt like was, he'd looked in the mirror and said: "the galaxy's better off with a different Garrus, a Garrus that could hear the word 'Omega' and keep control." And doing all that, saying all that…it felt like a betrayal. Like ten men whose names he could never remember were screaming out that it was really over for them now: they'd trusted Garrus one last time and he'd failed them yet again.

Yeah…it was gonna be a while before anything happened. Spirits preserve them, it'd better happen before the Reapers showed up, though.

Mmm, least he cared enough to say that, now. Been a while since that thought crossed his mind.

The lights were dimmed in the shuttle. The glow of the purple nebulae hovered over them as they maneuvered between cruisers and frigates. Few more minutes and they'd be course-locked for the mass relay, and from there, a quick trip to the SSV Orizaba, flagship of the Alliance Fifth Fleet. And waiting for Garrus was help that still felt wrong, still felt off, and he knew why. But, Spirits, what if it was off because of him, not because there was no help in the universe good enough to right the ship? What if, here was his chance, and he'd managed to blow that too—lock himself in his own hell because, two days ago, that's exactly what he wanted, and now look at him?

Garrus turned to Kaidan. He'd put a fresh set of armour on—blue, this time, instead of the black from before—and most of the bandages were off. Took a while for Garrus to get his mouth to work.

"I wasn't honest with you, back when we were talking to Udina," he said eventually.

Kaidan turned to look at Garrus. "What d'you mean?"

"I mean…mmm, I wasn't open. I was honest I just…wasn't fully open. You were. I don't know which played better with him."

Kaidan shrugged. "At this point it…really doesn't matter. It's gonna be what it's gonna be, with Udina. But at least on our end, we can start working through this thing—both of us, so long as that's what you want."

"Hard to tell what I want when I'm not being open."

"It's gonna take time. If people knew how to solve their problems right away, they'd know enough to not have problems in the first place. Probably, I dunno." Kaidan shrugged again. "For what it's worth, though, I think you're making the right call, picking who you did."

Garrus took a breath, looked at his wrist—where his omni-tool was hiding under all that armour and carapace and just about everything else. "Yeah…maybe. Seemed the best choice, after everything you said."

"I think you made the right call reaching out to her, too."

Garrus's mandible twitched. "I don't want to be a burden."

"You aren't. Not even close." He saw Kaidan hesitate, then reach over and tap his shoulder. Garrus let him. "People care about you, Garrus. And she's pretty caring to start with."

"She's still got more to worry about than being my therapist. And besides…I've been focusing a lot on myself, lately."

Kaidan retracted his arm. "Yeah but, first off: that's not her job in all this—that's not what you're talking to her for. You're talking to her because we're all in this together, and we're all trying to do right by each other." Kaidan paused again and Garrus clued in, like it was the target at the end of his rifle, and what Kaidan left dangling there. About how he'd been holding the universe hostage and making it play by his own damn rules.

But then Kaidan took a breath, gave Garrus a smile. "And second off, we're all in this together, and we're all trying to do right by each other."

"Even after everything I've done," Garrus said. Came out like a statement; was meant as a question that maybe he didn't want answered.

Kaidan said, "Hey we don't kick you out of the group because you're hurting." Then the hand was back on Garrus's shoulder, and the smile was back too. "We only do it of you start cheering for the wrong sports team."

And Garrus…smiled back. Didn't force it—the smile showed up all on its own.

"Heh," he said. "Well…guess I might as well be a sap and make sure you know: people care about you too. Sure you've got a voice that just doesn't carry and you always use a pistol, which is embarrassing—but you and all the product you put in your hair? People care about you too."

"Ah…well believe it or not but, it's all natural. Besides guys and gals compliment my voice all the time."

"When I'm not around, sure."

"Good to have you back, Garrus. My self-esteem was getting a little too high for my liking."

Garrus paused…not for very long, but just enough to be noticeable.

"Mmm…might just be me trying to take some of your surplus, then," he said.

"Hey, it'll come, Garrus. We're all works in progress."

"Meaning we never reach a satisfying end, isn't that what you're saying?"

He eyed Kaidan like he'd eye an instructor, or a teacher back on Palaven…or, hell, even Shepard, back when they could talk about things like this.

Kaidan leaned back in his seat…but he didn't look like he was giving up.

"Meaning…hell, maybe," he said. "But at the very least, we can make the moments between now and the Reapers showing up better than they are now, right?"

And something in Garrus's brain said, Maybe, and for the first time in forever…it suck around long enough to register. Nobody around to beat it down before his mind's eye got a look at it.

"Mmm, mmm…well, if it's any consolation," Garrus said, "I didn't automatically discount what you just said."

"See?" Kaidan said. "Work in progress, but it's still progress."

Work in progress…sure…sure. Garrus could live with that. Better than it was before, anyways.

The shuttle past through the nebula, picked up speed, and hit the mass relay. The stars stretched until lines of light swallowed up the blackness of space, and a blue hue enveloped a fluid, shifting, changing world. Blink and he'd be somewhere else; and even if time dilation somehow got attenuated, the Garrus that stood on a Blue Suns platform, looking down at what he thought was another dead friend…that Garrus was going to be lightyears away.

It wasn't a fresh start, but it was something. Maybe some people'd help him understand what that something was.

He pulled up his omni-tool and started typing.

Dear Tali…

Postlude

When Chloe Michel was handed that envelope by the drell Private Investigator, she did not need to ask him any questions. What she needed to do, she realized, was talk to Garrus. For she could connect the dots (while she did not think it polite to compare, she knew she and other medical professionals could do it as well as detectives) and knew, immediately, what Garrus needed to hear.

She was unable to share it with Garrus. He exited Commander Alenko's room far too quickly. And all throughout her exchange with Mr. Udina—now, rumour had it, Councilor Udina—she thought to herself: I must tell him, he needs to know, it is important he knows. Peace may elude him for years, perhaps decades, but peace would not come if he did not know what she wanted to share.

What she wanted to share was this:

Lantar Sidonis, who the drell was correct in noting did not use a false name, was not killed by that skycar immediately. He was under heavy sedation, yes, and his wounds were clearly severe. They were treatable, however, and Chloe attempted ad nauseum to administer care for the turian. Every time care was administered, he gained a moment of lucidity; and when fully aware of his surroundings, he would descend into total panic, thrashing about, nearly breaking the teeth of an asari nurse that was assisting her. Treatment became impossible. Sidonis seemed determined to sabotage his own recovery. It was only after exhaustion nearly overcame him that he remained aware enough, and calm enough, for Chloe to sit with him; for her to talk to him.

He said much. He said that he had served under a turian on Omega. He said that he had done a terrible, terrible thing. And he said that this terrible thing had caused irrevocable harm to the one whom he owed a great deal, and asked only for the best in return. This turian not only was likely dead, but he had died knowing that he had been betrayed. For many turians, there was no worse insult. For many turians, to have a subordinate turn on you was to spit in the face of everything a leader is supposed to be, everything that is supposed to make a leader worthy.

This turian spoke of someone that he had served under. This person—a human—was a beacon of light, of compassion. She was also the fiercest warrior ever described. Sidonis thought these tales were ludicrous, until he sought out confirmation. Then he no longer doubted this other turian when he said, this human warrior could rearrange the stars if she put her mind to it.

That warrior was dead; that was why the other turian was on Omega. But now she was back…

…she was back, and she was different. Something was wrong. She was no longer the beacon of light she had once been. She murdered and mutilated everything in her wake; she tore open Omega and a human colony. Councilor David Anderson said that terrorists had resurrected her, but resurrection was impossible for mortals.

She was back, and he had harmed her friend.

Red red eyes and a bloody stripe down her arm—they would be after him just as surely as they had been after every other thing that stepped foot on Omega, that had seen harm done to those who once called her a friend.

In a moment of panic, having thought that red lights were behind him, Sidonis stepped in front of a skycar as it was leaving a parking lot.

And now he was here, and his heart raced, but he now believed he deserved it. Whatever hell she was dragging him to, he deserved it for what he had done. He had sold out everyone, he had given evil people all the information they needed to torture and break a man whom he owed everything to, he saw that now; and so this was justice, and it would hurt, and there was nothing the doctors at Huerta could do except be in the way when those red lights descended upon him.

Chloe Michel could put pieces together. He was talking about Commander Shepard…and so he was also talking about Garrus Vakarian.

If Garrus was dead, that was truly a loss. But for him to speak of Garrus so highly, he could not have betrayed him so callously. Something else had to have happened. And she nearly skirted the bounds of medical ethics to solicit what that might have been. Sidonis eventually gave this information, but it ate away at him; he grew weaker and weaker as he spoke.

She did not dwell on the details; even for a doctor, the threats were heinous. What she dwelled on, instead, was the state of Sidonis's immortal soul.

"Lady if there's a…fffuck, ah Spirits it…more, gimme more."

Chloe flooded his system with what she could spare. Sidonis caught his breath.

"…t-thanks, thanks…"

"What were you trying to say?"

"I was…saying if there's a such thing as a God, then he's…he's sending Shepard after me. I fucked up and I'm gonna pay for it, and if he's as all-powerful as you humans say he is then I'm done, nobody's gonna save me. And if you're…you're right about God then…then n-nobody should save me…because I deserve what's coming."

"Everyone deserves saving. It is why I am here."

"Why the hell would he bother? Why the hell do you?"

"Because He must—and because we must. A universe too cruel for mercy is a universe that should not be."

Sidonis died not long after that, but Chloe believed his last moments were of silent contemplation, not resignation. She believed she had reached him, and wished for Garrus to know that too. When Garrus arrived—alive—she knew that he needed to hear this, as if God had instructed for him to be at Huerta, and was thus instructing her to say what needed to be said. The past that was haunting him should not hold such a grip on him; the weight of what he experienced should not crush him as it was. The universe was not too cruel for mercy, and Garrus Vakarian deserved to know that he was every bit as deserving of benevolence in this life, and in the next, when that time arrived.

Chloe did not have the opportunity to tell him that now, but when he left Huerta with Commander Alenko, she still believed he was on the path to recovery—to healing. Her thoughts of Sidonis, and of Shepard, filled her briefly with hope, not of despair for the tortured soul she had watched through C-SEC bodies and orderlies and patients.

She briefly had hope, when she thought of Sidonis and Shepard.

Now, something was happening in the Bahak System, in Batarian Space. Cerberus was involved, the same group that had attempted to resurrect Shepard and had brought back a monster instead. The Collectors were involved, and because of the so-called information war between the Alliance and Cerberus, she knew that the Collectors had a role to play in killing Shepard those two years prior.

She knew…because now everyone knew.

Because ANN was running footage of a batarian spy drone on an unnamed planet in the Bahak System.

The footage showed a figure in black, red red eyes cutting through the dust on her visor. In one hand was the head of a Collector, a creature that had wronged her by killing her. In her other hand, her omni-tool glowed a sickly orange, and it was peeling back the crest of a krogan that was not Alliance, and so must have been Cerberus, a group that had wronged her by bringing her back as a creature of hate.

Red eyes mixed with red blood mixed with dust and screams and the flickering of kinetic barriers, and then the footage stopped, held on the image of the crest beginning to separate from the krogan's epidermis.

Chloe Michel covered her mouth, as did many in Huerta that evening.

"Dieu ait pitié," she said.

---

Aaaaaaaand another long chapter, but hey, at least the Sidonis arc is done! That's something...uh, I hope.

So, yeah. As this was being written, Garrus's totally a-ok mental state started to get worse and worse. And, look, I still don't have a plan for any of this stuff, so obviously Garrus was gonna run with it. None of this is my fault, is what I'm saying - hey seriously, put down that gun man it ain't me! It's these friggin characters man, swear ta god!

(that's a stupid way of saying that I hope you liked the changes, or at least the changes make sense to you and created some interesting dynamics)

As far as references go, the arc's title riffs off a line from the always excellent, severly underrated The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. The "subtitle" for Part I is a riff off Warren Zevon's "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" (which is on the soundtrack; for those on FF dot net, you can see the soundtrack on AO3 as part of the Shepard Comes Back Wrong series). The subtitle for this part comes from The Departed, speaking of good movies.

And yeah - next up, all that fun stuff happening in the Bahak System!

Before I go, though, major shout outs to everyone who's still reading this monstrosity. I appreciate all the feedback and the constant readership; it means a ton, even if I ain't raking in views like it's going outta style or nothin'. If you've commented even once, you're a star; if you've commented more than once, you're a legend (which is also a stupid way of me saying I owe you, because you're giving me the energy I need to continue working on this, and I appreicate the hell out of that).

Special thanks, as always, goes to Brian Taylor, who still isn't my beta reader (hence the spelling errors) but did make a number of key suggestions for this chapter to help get me out of a rut; namely, Garrus's father getting involved, and especially Kaidan getting him involved. It fit perfectly and then things started happening and the characters stopped yelling at me, which is how you know it's working.

Anyways, that's all from me. Unfortunately, that scene where Garrus and Sidonis talk about their mothers having the same last name never panned out, but maybe one of these days I'll do a "deleted scene."

I can finally include my all new super canon idea that Anderson and Saren's first mission was to steal the Declaration of Independence.