"Sovereign citizen?" I asked. "So they are some kind of diplomat?" Judy shook her head with a sort of wild glee that was solely reserved for doling out the law in that magnanimous fashion of hers.
"I don't want to spoil the surprise, but no. They are most certainly not a diplomat of any kind." She chuckled to herself as she retrieved her pocket notebook from a pouch on her belt.
The car was...odd. To say the least. The back was covered in bumper stickers—everything from the classic "Watch Your Paw" rearing snake, to "Cub on Board", though "Cub" had been replaced with "Patriot". The plate itself, upon closer inspection, clearly wasn't an embassy plate. In fact, I wasn't quite sure what it was. I'd certainly never seen anything like it.
In lieu of a number, the word "PRIVATE" was big and bold in the center. Surrounding it were various bits of fake legalese like "private citizen vehicle" and "licensed to travel".
"What the hell?" I muttered under my breath. Judy giggled.
The mammal at the wheel, a middle-aged goat who clearly was trying to cling to his twenties and thirties to no avail, lowered the window as we approached, phone already in hoof pointed at us.
"This is an illegal stop!" he bleated before either of us could say anything. Judy merely smiled.
"Good morning, sir." Judy called out, having to crane her neck slightly to meet his eyeline. "My name is Officer Hopps, and this is my partner, Officer Wilde. Do you know why I pulled you over today?" she asked, her voice all sweetness and light. The goat swung his phone to focus on her, though I could see him eyeing me nervously out of the corner of that weird, freaky horizontal pupil of his.
"No, I don't," he replied belligerently. "I was traveling on this road as is my right and you two PIGS decided to accost me." I winced; normally, Judy would have laid into anybody that used any kind of species-based slur, especially that one as it was derogatory towards police as well. But to my shock, Judy just kept on smiling.
"Sir, you were traveling at 57 miles per hour in a 35 zone. And, Officer Wilde, could you tell me something else about this stretch of road that might be of interest?" I glanced up and down the street, spotting what she was referring to right away.
"It's a school zone. During school hours. When the lights are flashing, it's a 20 zone mile per hour zone." I thought I was beginning to see the humor in the situation.
Apparently, I was wrong.
"I'm going to need to see your license and registration, sir."
"No," he replied, panning the camera to me briefly before turning it back to my partner. I laughed.
"'No'? Do you have any idea the fines for speeding 37 over in a school zone?" Now the phone was fixed on me.
"I'm not showing you a license because I don't need one." My eyes went wide as a laugh burst free.
"Don't need one?" I asked incredulously. "Please, enlighten me as to why you are so special as to not require a driver's license." He bleated again.
"I wasn't driving, I was traveling. I don't need a license to travel."
"What?" I asked. "Sir, are you under the influence right now?" He let out an exasperated groan.
"No, Officer Wilde, let him explain himself." Judy chimed in, holding back laughter as she spoke.
"Look, fox," he said, with the air of someone explaining something very simple to someone very stupid, "the law is a contract between mammals and government, right?"
"Sure, I guess you could put it that way," I replied.
"So I've opted out of that contract." The gears in my brain ground to a halt.
"Opted...out? What the hell does that even mean?" He groaned again.
"It means I don't recognize Zootopia's 'laws' because they don't apply to me. I am not a citizen of Zootopia, I am a private citizen."
"A sovereign citizen," Judy prompted, snorting with laughter now.
"Yes," the goat agreed, glaring at her as she continued to break out into hysterics. Once she had gotten control of herself somewhat, she stood a little taller and addressed him directly again. I could still see mirth wrinkling the corners of her eyes as she spoke, though.
"Sir, do you live in Zootopia? Is your house connected to the city's sewer and water system? Do you utilize the postal service? Do you drive on public roads?" She gave a pointed gesture to the street we were currently on. "You cannot enjoy the privileges of citizenship without also accepting the responsibilities. That means paying taxes. That means serving jury duty. And that most definitely means obeying the law, especially when it comes to the safety and well-being of other mammals."
The goat looked stunned for a moment, then his muzzle contorted in rage.
"You can't talk to me like I'm an idiot! I want to talk to a supervisor." Judy's eyes flashed even brighter at that.
"It would be my pleasure, sir. There's nothing that Police Chief Bogo enjoys more than having a nice little chat with sovereign citizens such as yourself. We've got a whole wall at the station with pictures of every one we've had to detain!" The goat's ire began to ebb, quickly replaced by concern. Before he could say anything, though, Judy had already reached for her radio.
"Dispatch, this is unit Z-240." A crackle of static and Clawhauser's exuberant tones rang out tinnily from her radio.
"Come in, Hopps, what's up?" he asked. She smiled broadly at our miscreant goat before answering.
"We have a...sovereign citizen that wants to speak with our supervisor. Is Chief Bogo busy?" A loud guffaw burst from the radio.
"Oh, Judy, he'll be there A-S-A-possible. What's your location?"
"Just up the road from North Seacourt Elementary."
"HAH!" Clawhauser laughed even louder. "In a school zone, too? He's going to love this." The radio went silent.
"...Am I being detained?" the goat asked timidly.
…
"So as soon as Bogo shows up, this goat takes one look at him and just screams, I mean, really screams, and he just faints dead away." I finished, wiping away tears from my eyes.
Judy and I were seat at the front desk, surrounded by Clawhauser, Delgato, and Grizzoli, who were all laughing just as hard.
"Why did nobody tell me about these sovereign citizen nuts?" I asked, loosening my top two buttons in an attempt to get more oxygen. Grizzoli let out a bark of a laugh.
"It's tradition around here, Wilde," he replied. "What kinda fun would it be if you didn't experience it yourself all on your own?" I laughed again.
"I guess you're right. I'm not sure I would have even believed any of you if you had just told me instead."
"Well, I'm glad you finally got to meet your first private citizen, Wilde," Delgato rumbled. "It's practically a rite of passage for cops in Precinct One; it goes 'weird sex thing', 'private citizen', and finally, 'how the hell did that get there?'"
"I don't follow," I said, confused.
"Well, everyone runs into a weird sex thing on the job—"
"Y'know, that one I got, weirdly enough," I replied, cutting him off. "I meant the last one." Grizzoli butted in.
"You're going to come across something so bizarre that it'll just leave you thinking 'how in the hell did that end up right here?' It could be a car on the tenth floor of a high-rise, or someone's kit in a bank vault, or anything like that. Just something that'll really stump ya."
"Huh," I said. I turned to Judy. "Have you had that yet?" She nodded, wincing.
"I got the 'weird sex thing' and the 'how the heck' thing at the same time," she said, shuddering. "You were at the academy. This zebra couple had somehow gotten a yacht into a ball pit at one of those kits' pizza places at night, and they were—well, for lack of a better phrase, 'going at it like rabbits'—on board." My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I started laughing uncontrollably again.
"And I thought the Mystic Springs Oasis was bad!" I wheezed. "I can't believe I missed this."
"Ask Fangmeyer about it when she and Wolford get back, she was subbing in as Judy's partner at the time," Clawhauser interjected.
"Oh, I will," I promised. I stretched and popped my back. "Well, I think Carrots and I are probably going to clock out now that our shift is over. Catch you crazy cops tomorrow!" I slipped down from the desk, followed closely by Judy.
As we began to make our way out, Judy hip checked me.
"Movie night?" she asked as we walked. I smiled.
"Yeah."
…
"That is hot, Carrots." I yelped, fanning my mouth.
"No it's not, you big goof!" she replied, taking the bowl away from me.
"My sense of smell is a lot stronger than yours, Fluff, and taste is like, 80% smell, I think." I argued.
"Yellow curry's like, the most mild of all the curries." I panted exaggeratedly.
"I'm not sure I could handle any of the others, then," I said, tugging at my collar like a cartoon character with steam blowing out his ears. She nudged me with her knee as she took a bite of the curry.
"But do you like the flavor?" she asked between mouthfuls. Once my tongue had begun to cool down somewhat, the mix of spices and vegetables began to settle quite agreeably on my palate.
"Actually, yeah," I replied, surprised. "Is there like…a mild option, though?" Judy laughed.
"This is the mild option, Slick." Shaking her head, she took one last bite and offered me the rest.
"Thanks." As I began the task of getting at that flavor while suffering through the heat, Judy snuggled up closer to my side. Curling her arms around mine, she let out a long, contented sigh.
"Better day today?" she asked. Setting the empty bowl down on the coffee table, I leaned back.
"Yeah," I replied, smiling. "Better. I still wish we could have helped Loxley more, but…"
"There's always his medical bill," Judy offered. I pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
"I guess that'll have to be enough," then.
My phone buzzed. Lazily, I pulled it from my pocket, intending to set it to silent. It was a text from my mother however, which nearly caused me to swallow my singed tongue.
"I forgot to text my mom after Sunday night!" I forcefully input the passcode to my phone and read the text.
Did it go alright?
Much to my chagrin, there was an earlier text, dated from Sunday evening, that must have slipped past me.
How did it go?
I smacked myself in the forehead with my free palm.
"I just got my mother back and I'm about to tank out relationship again." I muttered.
"Oh, calm down, Nick," Judy said, pressing herself closer to my side to get a look at my messages. "She'll understand once you tell her." I tapped out a quick response.
Yeah, everything went great. Talk over lunch about it this week?
The three little dots appeared and disappeared a few times, before a gif of Gazelle spazzing out in excitement popped up.
I'm so happy for you! What days work for you? You can stop by the diner anytime.
Friday, I replied. After a minute of hesitation, I appended my text with a love you as well.
Love you too, Nicky.
With a deep sigh of relief, I locked my phone and set it face down on the table.
"You still alive, there, rabbit?" I asked, as Judy lay dozing against my shoulder.
"Mhm," she replied sleepily. "Not sure we're going to get to that movie, though." I laughed.
"That's okay with me." After a long pause, Judy spoke again.
"Stay the night tonight?"
"…Sure."