Later - much, much later - Barney reflects on how strange it is that he had no idea that this day was going to star in his nightmares for the rest of his life. He assumes it is equally true for all survivors of near fatal freak accidents, but he can't stop himself from a resentful thought that there should have been something - a sign, a warning, premonition or omen - to make him prepared for what he was going to go through that spring day.
There isn't. The weather is sunny and warm, and the first half of his day uneventful. He spends his morning dutifully going through the galley proofs and then eats an early dinner with Valancy on the verandah, laughing together over one little joke or another. They are both in a playful, exuberant mood and it doesn't dissipate when they take the boat to Port Lawrence for some shopping. Valancy's walking shoes broke and she is wearing ridiculous high-heeled boots; Barney can't contain his mirth at this choice of footwear for a walk through a forest lane. He wonders if she leaves them on even after she buys herself new ones just to spite him for teasing her.
He remembers this thought later and it pierces him with guilt.
He doesn't even notice when her slight hand slides out of his – another thing which makes him hate himself later – he just keeps on walking like an idiot, whistling to himself in tune with the oncoming train. Valancy has been bending to pick flowers ever since they left town; he assumes she spotted another one and will catch up to him within moments. That is, until he hears her cry for him.
He turns back and freezes in sheer terror.
Valancy is stuck – her foot trapped in the tracks – and the train is going to run her over within moments.
He jumps towards her before he's able to complete that thought, and grabs her, trying to pull her out of her trap with everything he's got. It's useless, she's stuck too well.
"Go—go—quick—you'll be killed, Barney!" shrieks Valancy, trying to push him away.
He drops to his knees instead, reaching for the laces of her fucking boot, but his hands are damn useless too, trembling as they are. He curses them viciously as he reaches for his knife – there, he slashes at the laces, barely taking care not to cut Valancy's skin in the bargain. She's still trying to push him away, silly girl, and he nearly curses her too.
The train whistles again, so damn loud that it startles Barney into raising his eyes briefly from Valancy's shoe.
It's just behind the corner now, it will be on them within seconds.
"Barney—go—go—for God's sake—go!"
"Never!" mutters Barney between his set teeth, and by God, he means it.
If she's going to die, he'll die with her. There would be no point in living without her anyway.
He has a passing thought that he hopes death will be too fast for them to feel any pain, and gives one mad wrench at the lace. As the train thunders around the curve he springs up and catches Valancy—dragging her clear, leaving the shoe behind her. He feels the wind from the train as it sweeps by turning the streaming perspiration on his face to icy cold.
"Thank God!" he breaths and it's the most heartfelt thanks he's ever given in his whole life.
But then, just as the damn train disappears behind the trees, the awful truth crushes him like an avalanche: Valancy is still going to die soon.
She's going to die and there is nothing he can do to stop it, to save her.
There is nothing he can do.
Valancy will die – Valancy was always going to die – and yet now he knows that he can't live without her.
He can't live without her.
He stares into her wide, still frightened eyes, and knows, knows with bone deep, aching certainty that he can't live without her because he loves her – he loves her tens, hundreds times more than he'd ever loved Ethel. He loves her with every fibre of his body and soul. He would give his own life for hers without a thought – he nearly just gave his life for hers without a thought – because she is more precious to him than anything in the universe.
And yet she is still going to die.
He's going to lose her.
He's going to lose her soon.
The abyss opening under his feet makes him stumble blindly to the station's single bench and collapse onto it bonelessly, with his head falling into his hands.
Valancy is going to die.
Good God, Valancy is going to die.
And there's fucking nothing he can do to save her.