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FIFTEEN
Her relief was so sharp and thick that I could feel almost nothing else. It billowed past me with scouring intensity.
«Cassie. You came back.»
I got a sudden overwhelming jumble: me from her perspective, nestled far back in my own mind, out-of-touch. Her abject terror at Erek's parting words. Her exhaustion and need, her growing hunger. Realizing she didn't have time to get back to the yeerk pool, that she couldn't go anyway with me unresponsive.
She'd looked at that steel pool she'd blackmailed Erek for and thought there was almost no chance she'd ever leave it again. She'd still gone in. And an hour later I'd grabbed her out, and on the spot she'd resigned herself to a violent death.
«Yeah.» I was tired. «I did.»
She flipped through my recent memory. I paid attention, followed the action: it seemed… half-absent, reflexive. She sped through the last hour. Hesitated a long time.
I wondered if she'd been telling the truth— about rifling through my thoughts and memory being automatic for her. Something she only noticed she was doing and put thought into when it caught her attention.
Her focus turned to me. The emotions coming off her were swift and thick, changing and churning. Doubt. Disbelief. Elation. Relief. Incredulity. Shame. Wariness. Gratitude. Confusion. A dozen more that were much harder for me to name.
She was quiet. Then, «you need to get home. Your family is likely already under some level of surveillance.»
I nodded. Turned, walked to the entrance, curved through the mouth of the cave and into the spray. "Yeah," I said. "Not looking forward to that."
«Not looking forward to what?»
Aftran wrenched my head around so fast my neck cracked.
A drenched, bedraggled, miserable-looking hawk glared at me from a nearby rock. Tobias.
He ruffled his feathers, leaning forward. «You had to know we weren't going to let Erek handle this alone. Not without backup.»
I stared at him. Sighed. Walked past him, through the edge of the falling water. Slipped along the rocks and sand to the small grassy bank. Walked through the meadow and sat down with my back against a downed log.
He flapped wetly to the other end. Perched on a high, upturned root that rose into the sky. Stared at me.
«Why didn't you go with Erek?» He pressed.
I opened my mouth, closed it. Looked down. "I won't leave my family in danger, not if I can do something." I shrugged. "Erek can't help me. Maybe Aftran can."
The silence stretched. He said nothing. Aftran glanced up at him. I glanced away.
"Is everybody here?" I asked. "Are we doing this?"
«No.» He said. «Presentations are due tomorrow, nobody could make it.» He hesitated. «We… Everyone assumed that you would be going with Erek.»
"Did you?"
«... No. That's why Jake sent me, just in case.» He cocked his head. «Ax didn't either, by the way. He's convinced you're voluntary.»
I hadn't said I wasn't.
My stomach flipped over a little. "Cool." I said. "Sounds like everybody else is about to be upset."
«Ohhhhhh yeah.» He said darkly. «I'm not looking forward to Rachel asking me how this went.»
I felt a completely separate new stress settle in the pit of my stomach as I took in what he'd said. Oh. My project. I hadn't even started it. I'd probably get an extension from being lost and traumatized in the woods.
I wanted to giggle at the absurdity. I had actual stuff happening in my life right now! I wanted to cry.
«Cassie… What are you doing?»
I stared at the ground. Didn't reply.
Aftran watched me, silent. Cut my eyes warily to Tobias, then back down. I sat there, unmoving. I was so tired.
Tobias fluttered down next to me on the log. Perched less than a foot away.
It was a show of trust; even without morphing Aftran could use my upper-body strength to do serious damage if she grabbed him. He had to know it was her staring my eyes at him, wary and ready. Her keeping my muscles just a little more taut, prepped to move.
I could feel how hostile she was, how expectant. «He's not going to attack.»
«I know what those talons can do.» She didn't take her eyes off of him.
His posture was getting tense, too. He looked like he was deciding if he needed to take off.
"A little close." My voice came out cold, hard and pointed. She drilled my eyes into his.
He stared right back. Then, slowly, deliberately, he did a little hop. Maybe four inches down the log. He stood there, glaring back.
«I told you.» I said.
Aftran scoffed out loud, leaned back against the log. Not relaxed, but less tense than she had been.
«So is Cassie voluntary?» And okay, Tobias wasn't asking me.
Aftran raised my eyebrows. "That's a question for Cassie," she said. She was absolutely sidestepping answering.
«That's too convenient,» I pressed. «I'm also interested in your answer.»
«I'm asking you. » Tobias shot back at almost the same time.
I didn't know how to feel about him openly talking to her, them conversing while I sat here and watched. It creeped me out.
Aftran didn't answer. She locked eyes with him and stared back. Silent.
The moment stretched. Uncomfortable. Awkward.
«... Yeah. » He said after a long moment, his voice going hard. His eyes drilled into mine. «That's what I thought.»
Aftran glanced my eyes away, towards the water. For a moment regret and guilt were all I could feel from her. And then both were gone, like they'd never been there, and she was calm. She looked back.
"Both Cassie and I are in an awkward situation," she said. "My previous host is dead. Finding another host is not an option. If I return to the Empire— even without taking a host, which I'm not willing to do— your group's secret will be exposed." She took a breath. "It's either I die, or Cassie and I figure infestation out."
«Not sure anyone's too fussed about that first option,» he sniped.
The amount of fury and disgust that abruptly rolled off of Aftran alarmed me. I expected the emotions to disappear like she had done so many times before, vanish into nothing. They didn't; an ocean of wrath and pain raged, absolutely flooding out from her in torrents.
Both my hands curled into fists. For a moment, absolute hatred threaded through her.
I braced for a fight. Possibly still as a human.
But she didn't react. Not beyond that, not at all. After a moment I realized she wasn't going to. She was… going to sit there quietly. And let him tell her that she should just die , just because she was inconvenient.
It hit me, then: she wasn't fighting back. At all. She wasn't fighting back because I'd asked her to not take shots at my friends.
And then I was— upset. By how much I was not okay with what he'd said. His words sat wrong. Left me discontent. I didn't trust Aftran at all. But… I— I didn't want her dead—? If I did… If— I'd had a perfect chance fifteen minutes ago.
And… I couldn't. I could not want her dead, not if peace really was my ultimate goal.
So what did I want?
There was absolutely something wrong with me for staying a controller, I knew that, something had gone messed up inside for me to continue choosing to keep this kind of chaos and stress and danger in my life, but…
But what if I could actually do it? Figure out how to make peace?
I was nowhere near that; peace as a concept wasn't even truly on the table yet. The most messed-up part of all of this was that I understood I was in a hostage situation and I was continuing it.
But I already had more control than I ever would've thought a yeerk would give up. What if I could do this? So much had happened in less than a week. What could I do in a month? What could I do in six months?
I flicked my eyes down to his perch, his talons gripped on the log. Looked back up to his raptor face. If peace was my ultimate goal here, I had to be sincere. I had to give this a real effort.
"Tobias…" I said, exhausted. "Can you just…" I trailed off. Thought. Discarded about six things I could say that were varying levels of unkind. "I'm handling it how I'm handling it, okay?"
He'd gone still as I spoke. He was silent. I thought about what I could say and looked away.
I felt sick. Abruptly exhausted. There was maybe another hour until the sun rose, maybe two at most before my parents noticed I was missing.
My parents, who were under yeerk surveillance.
"I need to go home." I said, done with this conversation. "My parents are at risk. I cannot disappear out of my bed two days after I was lost in the woods. That's too suspicious."
I stood up. Started morphing; osprey, even though owl would be the smarter choice at night.
He watched me as I shrunk. As I grew feathers. As I grew a beak and taloned feet. As I flapped hard to take off.
He paced me, silent, as I flew home.