CHAPTER 18
Louise looked at all the luggage piled up in the hallway. She only brought three trunks, filled with her clothing and some books. Still, it seemed to dwarf the entire collected luggage of the others.
"You sure that's all you want to bring, sweetheart? You're leaving behind a lot of beautiful dresses." Rachel asked, thinking Louise might eventually regret losing all her fine things.
The memory came unbidden and unwanted.
"You're so lucky to have a man that appreciates the finer things in life." The well-meaning seamstress smiled at her. "And who likes to shower his wife with them of course." Alex stared at her, waiting for the reaction he knew would come at her being called his wife. It was barely a flicker in her eye and then it was gone. She had been quiet and obedient, letting them measure her, looking at pattern after pattern. "Though I must say that most women are a bit more enthusiastic about receiving a whole new wardrobe, especially one of such quality."
"Louise shows me her gratitude in more intimate ways," he inferred, causing the poor woman to blush. He placed a gentle kiss on her temple before ordering the seamstress to leave, not bothering to wait for her to finish gathering her things and exit the room before he began stripping off her clothes. It always ended the same way, him inside her, drinking her lifeblood, rending orgasm after orgasm from her as the force with which he took her grew into its violent inevitability. Her own traitorous body matching his lust and desire.
"You want them, you have them," she said sharply before going outside to wait in the carriage.
"You heard the woman," Colter told them. "Let's load 'em up."
"She didn't mean nothing by it." Jimmy climbed into the carriage after her.
"I know." Lou had a far off look in her eye. Her mind was somewhere else.
Jimmy sighed. This wasn't exactly the start to their trip that he'd imagined. He wanted to ask more but the others piled in and he knew she wasn't going to talk. He watched her closely on the ride to the station. She was wearing the same forest green dress she'd been in when they'd first found her. It was chilly so she wore a long gray wool coat and thick red scarf over her head and her hair flowed free underneath. She was breathtaking. He'd never seen her in a dress as often as he had these past few days. It suited her, but a part of him missed seeing her the way she had been - her short hair flying in all directions from the wind, flushed from the exertion of riding, baggy clothes clinging to her sweaty skin. Some women were beautiful when they got all dolled up. She was just beautiful, always.
Their trip would take a few weeks between switching trains and getting the steamship in Missouri. This time around however, Louise had used her significant funds to reserve them first class sleeping cars, though she secretly hoped Jimmy might spend some of his nights with her. There was a slight war going on inside her between her guilt over Jack and her desire to get closer to this man that stirred something in her. Something that she couldn't define but that was wrapped up in admiration, safety, and longing. Even when she felt like shutting him out, she still wanted him close. Sometimes she wanted him very close indeed. Frustrated, she sank deeper into her seat and buried her nose in her book.
Jimmy might never get on another train for the rest of his life, if he could help it. He was bored and restless and he felt like the walls were closing in on him. Lou on the other hand seemed fully content to sit, curled up in blankets, and read for hours, occasionally napping. She'd grown used to it, he supposed, being caged up in that house for so long. At least the first class drawing car was a lot more comfortable than cramming into hard wooden seats with a bunch of strangers.
"You want a book?" she asked when his pacing didn't let up.
"How about cards?" he countered, taking a seat beside her.
She leaned in. "I can think of better ways to pass the time." She smiled mischievously and his eyes grew wide. "Relax. I'm just teasing." She closed her book. "What do you want to play?"
Damn, was she trying to kill him? He coughed. "Umm, five card draw?"
"What are we playing for?"
"Money usually."
"I don't need money."
"I'm afraid to ask."
"Hmmm." She tapped her chin with her index finger, making a show of mulling it over. She already knew what she wanted. Him, in no uncertain terms. "Dinner."
"Alright." He agreed, relieved.
"How do you play?" And though they had played five card draw more times than he could possibly count, he taught her the game from scratch.
If they had been playing for money, she would have cleaned him out. Her poker face had always been good, but now she was damn near inscrutable.
"Drinks, dinner, and dessert," she said, laying her cards down. "Maybe breakfast too." Louise smiled and yawned. Jimmy noted the tiredness around her eyes that seemed to come on more and more during the day. He hoped the train ride wouldn't be too taxing on her.
"You want to go lie down for a bit?" She seemed hesitant. "I'll sit with you. Any nightmares and I'll wake you up. I promise." He offered his hand and she took it.
She watched him scrutinize the passengers that they passed along their way to her sleeping car, watched as he checked the lock on her door. She was surprised he didn't check under her bed as well. He turned down her blanket, fluffed her pillow, turned his back when she slipped out of her dress and into the covers.
Once she was settled in, he took a seat next to her. She looked at him curiously. "Why are you so good to me?"
The question surprised him. "I just, I don't want you to have any more pain. Not if I can help it," he said, honestly.
"I'm going to give birth to a baby so I don't think it can be helped."
"You scared?" She nodded, admitting she was. He moved to sit beside her on the bed and put his arm around her. Dangerous territory, Hickok. He reminded himself this was only to comfort her. "You're gonna have Rachel and Cara to help. Besides, Teaspoon's gonna be a grandpa, you're gonna have one spoiled baby. And me and the other boys will help. You used to mother hen us quite a bit so we learned a thing or two."
That did make her feel somewhat better and she settled against his broad chest and deeper into his arms. "Thank you for Cara too, what you said about her being family and encouraging her to to come with us,' she told him as she closed her eyes and snuggled against him.
"Of course." She had her arms around his waist and made no move to release him. He saw her eyes were closed so he surrendered and laid back letting her use him as her pillow. He stayed awake for a while just holding her, grateful for the chance, grateful to have her back and to be taking her home. Eventually her steady breathing lulled him to sleep as well.
Sometime later Jimmy stirred, half awake. The room had grown dark. He still held Lou's warm body on top of his and absentmindedly he ran his hands over her, caressing a naked arm and running his hand down her side. The slip she wore had risen as she slept, and his hand found her exposed thigh, traveled upwards to clutch her waist. Nuzzling the top of her head, he breathed her in and felt her soft breath against his neck. The sensation made him smile and clutch her tighter.
"Jimmy?" Lou whispered his name needily against the tender skin beneath his ear.
Shit! His eyes popped open and met hers. They were round, questioning, hoping. Shit!
He began adjusting her slip to cover her but in doing so he freed her from his grasp. She pulled herself up till they were face to face, her right leg draped over his lap, dangerously close to straddling him and his emerging erection. Jimmy was acutely aware that she was nearly naked and that he had started this, whether he meant to or not. What the hell was I thinking, getting into bed with her?
Louise saw he was conflicted, knew he wanted her but that he held back out of honor. Restraint wasn't something she was accustomed to but if he had his reasons, perhaps she should respect them. Still, she couldn't help herself from teasing him just a little. She thanked him for watching her sleep and kissed him on the cheek before turning away and covering herself with the blanket. Somehow he managed to remain still during the entire interaction. His heart on the other hand beat wildly and he swore it was going to shoot right out of his chest. Rising from the bed, he kept her at his back, mumbled something about checking on dinner and coming back for her. He noticed his hat lying on the chair and gratefully held it in infront of him as he exited her car.
Alone in her room, Louise made herself presentable, stepping back into her dress, brushing her hair and securing it back with some pins. Her eyes lingered on the bed and she wondered what it would take for Jimmy to just let go and allow something to happen between them. Taking a seat, she pulled out her book and waited for him to come escort her to dinner.
Jimmy nearly crashed into his sleeping car, went straight to the little wash table and splashed some cold water on his face.
"Careful, Hickok. That's gotta last both of us." For once Jimmy was happy to be sharing a room with Colter rather than Buck. He could not take anymore of his friend's concerned questioning. "You have a good nap?" Jake's taunting was more tolerable at the moment. Jimmy just gave him a look that said to shut his fucking mouth. He went on anyway. "You found your lost lady love." He shrugged. "Makes sense to me. I ain't blaming you for it."
"Nothing happened. I mean, I'm making sure nothing happens. It's just…"
"Hard?" Jake smirked.
He leaned over the little wash dish. "So hard."
"And Louise is not making it any easier?" Jimmy looked nonplussed. Jake laughed. "I know the look of a desperate man. So why not just give the lady what she wants?" he asked as if it was the simplest thing in the world and for a split second, Jimmy thought maybe it was.
"No. She doesn't even remember me or the two of us. She's not…. She's not herself."
Jake wasn't known for his abilities at consoling others. The only advice he knew how to give was shoot them before they shoot you. He didn't lean on anyone and no one depended on him. But the more time he spent around these people, the more he saw the appeal. Afterall, they came halfway across the country for this girl. He knew there was no one coming for him, ever. Old age must be making him soft.
"Look Hickok, you'll do what's right. Don't matter how hard it is, you'll do it for her. So when the time comes, don't beat yourself up about it. Now hurry up. Pretty sure you owe her a five course meal the way you were playing cards today."
The words still rang in his ears as he stood outside Lou's door to get her for dinner. Just do the right thing and do not, under any circumstances, fuck Lou. He was relieved when she opened the door and was dressed and ready to go.
She held his arm as they made their way through the train and everyone that looked at them assumed they were together. Jimmy felt the envious eyes of other men and bristled, pulling her closer. It reminded him of other times - a night in Willow Springs, walking the streets of Sweetwater the night before she disappeared.
Louise could tell that Jimmy was lost in his own thoughts. The way he held her so tightly she imagined he was scared that she would somehow slip away again. He probably didn't realize he was doing it, just like he hadn't realized what he was doing to her earlier, in her bed. She shouldn't be putting him in that position. Her nightmares were her problem and she would deal with them herself for the rest of the trip. Afterall, she wasn't some child that needed to be tucked in at night.
The dining car was lined with tables covered in dark red tablecloths, adorned with linen napkins and crystal glasses. Again, Jimmy's mind traveled back to a night in Willow Springs, a night he wished had ended differently.
"Where are you?" Louise asked as she pulled him by the hand to where the others were seated.
"I was just thinking about ordering some wine." She looked skeptical but let it go as they were already upon the others.
Rachel, Buck, and Teaspoon shared a smile at the way Louise pulled out her own seat and sat right down before any of the men could rise. Jimmy just took the seat next to her as if it was the natural thing to do.
Louise fidgeted, still unaccustomed to sharing meals with so many. She was grateful when the waiter came with their food. They served roasted chicken and vegetables. Jimmy ordered wine as he'd mentioned and she ate quietly, listening to the others' conversations.
Rachel was making plans for them already. Cara and Louise were both going to need a place to live and with a baby on the way, she thought they should keep everyone close.
"Ain't you tired of sleeping in a bunkhouse?" Jake asked Buck and Jimmy.
"Hadn't thought about it much," Jimmy answered. Since taking the deputy job, Jimmy had shared the bunkhouse with Buck, Noah, and Ike. Half the time he slept in the marshal's office. He hadn't thought about any future outside of making it from one day to the next.
Do you ever think about where you'll be five years from now? Ten? Where we'll all be? He hadn't been able to answer Lou then but if she asked him now, his answer would be simple. With her. If she decided that she didn't want to live in Sweetwater at all, he would take her wherever she desired to go. What he wanted was to make a life with her, raise her child, give her more. Somehow he needed to keep his hands off her while simultaneously getting close enough to propose marriage.
His rumination was interrupted by Buck who staunchly defended the benefits of living in the bunkhouse. Proximity to town, Rachel's cooking, and it being free were all at the top of the list.
"Besides Rachel is right, it's good to be near family," Teaspoon added.
Jimmy noted that Lou was rather quiet. Like she had been during the early days of the Express, before they all knew her secret. Quiet, observant, watching everything and taking it all in. He couldn't believe he'd been so blind. But he'd been younger and more foolish then. He'd really believed she did all that just for the job, and not for the protection it provided. Not enough protection as it turned out.
While Jimmy sat in contemplation, Louise studied him curiously. His mind seemed to be elsewhere all night and she wondered what had him so preoccupied. Tonight she resolved to tell him that she no longer needed him to watch over her. It didn't matter that it brought an ache to her chest; she had to release him before they did something he would regret. She recalled the way his hands had glided over her earlier that day and shivered.
Dinner had been strange. There was chatter all around him but Jimmy could only focus on his inner voice. Or rather, voices. The few times he'd chanced a look at Lou, it seemed like she was also lost in her own inner dialogue. Was it just him or did she look as pained as he was? Being alone like this, in such close quarters with not much to pass the time, it was becoming trickier to not cross lines. Especially when a very strong part of him wanted to cross them. Not to mention Lou was intent on pushing him to the edge, if not over it.
They both walked slowly through the train on the way back to Lou's car. Jimmy knew why he was stalling but he wasn't quite sure about her. She was the one to stop a few feet from her door.
Taking a deep breath, she said what she knew needed to be said. "Look, you don't have to come in tonight. Or any night. It wasn't fair of me to put you in that position and I'm sorry for, you know, the other things that happened."
"You're sorry?" Jimmy just shook his head. "I was the one that put my hands all over you," he said with a lowered voice. "I should be apologizing to you."
"No," she disagreed. "I've been acting inappropriately. Asking you to do improper things like staying with me when I sleep and -"
Jimmy scoffed. "Is this about propriety?" She seemed to be looking for the right answer. "Is this about you thinking that there's something wrong with you, Lou?"
She opened her mouth to speak, shrugged, started picking at something on her dress. "I don't want to make you do things you don't want to do."
"Lou, I've been trying to stop myself from doing the thing I want more than anything else. I just don't want to hurt you." Jimmy sighed and his features seemed to soften. "But I honestly don't think I can keep my distance either. I'm not gonna be able to sleep away from you wondering if you're hurting or scared or trapped in some nightmare, or memory. I can take anything but that."
She appeared uncertain and her eyes darted around the empty train car. Being alone was really the last thing she wanted. Sleeping with Jimmy's arms around her had brought the most peace she'd felt in a long time. But it also stirred desire in her and took her to places she knew he thought they weren't ready to go.
"If you really want me to go, I will," Jimmy said when she still hadn't spoken. Reflexively her arm shot out and she grabbed him by the sleeve. She seemed surprised by her own reaction. "That's the answer I was looking for."
Jimmy waited outside Louise's door while she changed for bed. She put on one of her new cotton nightgowns. It had long sleeves and went down all the way to the tops of her feet. Over that she secured her robe. When she was ready, she opened the door for him. He noticed immediately that she had gone to great lengths to cover herself, and admonished himself for being a little disappointed. He stripped off his jacket and belt, kicked off his boots but otherwise he kept his clothes on.
"I feel ridiculous," Lou admitted as they looked at each other in their states of dress.
"But you look great."
Lou laughed and the tension broke a little. She tucked in under the covers and Jimmy lay next to her on top of them.
"Are you comfortable?" she asked
He pulled one of her arms free from the blankets and clasped her hand. "Yeah I'm comfortable." They lay side by side and hand in hand. And that's how they slept for the next few days.
Their train traveled from Boston through Providence, New York, and into Philadelphia where they transferred to a westbound train that would take them to Saint Louis. Jimmy had given up the pretense of sleeping anywhere but with Lou and the others had come to understand that it was what was best for the both of and Buck made Jimmy promise there was nothing unchaste going on, and the fact that talking about holding hands with Lou made him blush said it all.
Since they'd come to an agreement on their sleeping arrangement, both of them had been noticeably happier. Louise had learned to trust in Jimmy that there was a stark difference between what folks said was proper and what was actually the right thing to do. She found she agreed with him more and more. And while she still sometimes felt a longing for him to be closer, she was able to curb it, knowing he did the same.
When they switched trains in Philadelphia, he brought his belongings straight to her room. Other passengers assumed they were a married couple and Jimmy let himself enjoy the fantasy. They stayed in their room during boarding, avoiding the chaos of the other passengers piling into the train with all their luggage. Lou did as she often did, curled up on the bed with one of her books, happy to get lost in one story or another for a few hours. Restless as usual, Jimmy walked around the small room, fiddling with whatever he could get his hands on.
"Why don't you read something? There's nothing else to do."
Jimmy knew he'd gotten a lot better at reading and Noah had given him some books. It wasn't that the novels Lou had with her were intimidating exactly, but he knew he read slower than others and he found many novels were just too damn sad. It wasn't his favorite way to pass the time. But, she was right. There wasn't all that much to pass the days here. So he rifled through her stacks of books. It seemed she had not brought the dime novel about Wild Bill and he was glad. She had recognized that hackneyed rubbish for what it was right away. When he was going through the stack for the third or fourth time, she stopped him.
"Why don't you just come here?" She motioned to the empty patch of paisley quilt beside her. She giggled when he looked terrified and also felt a sense of satisfaction at the power she had to tempt him. "To read."
"I don't know, Lou."
"Jimmy, we sleep next to each other all night long. I think you can sit next to me while we read a book." He gave in and took a seat beside her. She marked the book she'd been reading with a stray hair ribbon and switched it with one of the other two sitting on the bedside table.
"How do you do that? Read so many books at once. You don't get them confused?"
She kept the book closed on her lap and thought about his question. "For a while it was all I had to get through the day. Read books, think about them. Sometimes I'd share them with Cara." Her brow furrowed and she added, "He didn't like that."
"Why not?"
"He said it was beneath me to make friends with a servant. Really I think he didn't want me to get close to anyone that wasn't him." She chewed her bottom lip and thought for a moment. "I should have known, when he let me see Jack, that there was something he was planning to get out of it."
Jimmy noticed her hand travel to her stomach and rest there. It was a small action he noticed her doing frequently and he knew it meant she was thinking about Jack and their child.
From their nightly talks he knew a bit about what her life had been like with Grayson, but he sensed there were much grimmer details that she kept from him. He knew she had been lonely and confused and starved for real human companionship. Jack had filled that void for her but his death left her with a deep sense of guilt. She was scared to be a mother because she didn't think she understood what that meant and worried she would fail her child. Jimmy knew that was impossible. He knew this child would be blessed because he knew how Lou loved. He found his own fear turning to excitement. He wanted so badly to bring Lou home, to reunite their family, and welcome this child. He still harbored some feelings of jealousy towards the baby's father but he also felt a connection. The man had died trying to save the woman they both loved. He had to respect that.
Her attention turned back to the book and she opened it to the first page. "Anyway," she went on, "we can read this one together."
And they did. Everyday they met up with the others and they played cards or checkers, read, or just talked. They ate meals together and shared stories about the Express or things they wanted to do when they got home. Buck and Jimmy started drawing up plans for the old station so they could turn it into proper housing for Cara, Lou, and the baby. Everyone slipped into a comfortable routine. And every night Lou and Jimmy retired to their sleeping car. Whatever amorous thoughts they held for each other, they didn't act on them. And it got easier. Their future grew closer with each mile they covered, and they could wait. Their chaste nights together somehow provided all the comfort that both wounded souls had needed.