If I bleed, you'll be the last to know
August
Hero fills her days, going out with Beatrice, and Margaret, and lots of other friends who are all happy to hear from her. They meet in cafés, visit shops, go on walks and cycle trails. She spends more time with her family, at home and helping in the restaurant. She reads more, making excellent progress through Jane Eyre. She realises how much of her time she had been dedicating to John and is determined not to waste a moment more on him or the throb in her chest that she feels whenever she stands still long enough to think of him.
The summer is vibrant and she is having an amazing time with all the people and places she is visiting. But she thinks of him and then thinks about not thinking about him and then thinks of him some more. She has so much to say to him and not just about how things ended between them, but simple things like how she spent her day or something someone said or an observation that she thinks will amuse him. She will catch herself writing a message to him only to delete it quick. He doesn't message her and she doesn't message him. Their fight in his car was their last exchange. She finds herself remembering it in pieces…
"...Am I supposed to wait around here until you decide you're done with me…"
"...we knew what this was… let's not pretend… it was ever more than that…"
Those memories, she is able to suppress, but her dreams she cannot fight. In sleep she relives their time together; his tender caresses and devouring kiss, his quiet smiles and soft gaze. A hundred little moments that tricked her into thinking he cared about her. She should have known this is where it would lead. The very first time she kissed him was a mistake. John Aragon is nothing but trouble.
(She misses him.)
"I would like the…"
She re-focuses on the customers in-front of her. She is working another shift at her family's restaurant and scribbles down the order of the table she is serving. The great thing about restaurant work is it is fast-paced; she doesn't have time to dwell on failed romances or men who look handsome as heartbreak. She moves between the tables and the kitchen, carrying out steaming plates and refilling glasses. Their diners are a mix of tourists and locals and she beams when she recognises her neighbour and former teacher.
"Ursula! You look beautiful!"
The older woman smiles, giving a swish of her rose-print dress; a matching rose has been clipped into her silvery up-do. "It is not too much is it? I'm here for a first date and I want to make the right impression."
"A date," Hero's smile widens. "That's wonderful! Though my uncle's heart will be broken when he hears it."
"That old flirt." Ursula chuckles. She shifts her handbag. "I confess, I'm rather nervous. I met him online."
"If you are uncomfortable, come to the bar and ask for Susan. We will help you escape. But I think it is very courageous, you putting yourself out there like this."
"Well," Ursula gives her a conspiratorial smile, "There are plenty of fish in the sea, but if you want to catch a good one, you have to dip your toes in."
Hero inhales. "What name is your table under?"
"Oh, it is under his name, Doug Berrie."
She leads Ursula to a table for two, lighting the candle to make it more atmospheric. She keeps a watch on Ursula as she waits on the other tables and it is not long before Doug shows. He wears a wrinkled brown suit and brightly printed tie, his hairline is receding and sweat gleams on his brow. He is not exactly handsome but he carries a bouquet of roses which he presents to Ursula with the sweetest smile. Hero's own smile grows as she watches the older woman's face light up.
Ursula's words stick in her head and she dreams that night of the pool. She is perched on the edge while John cuts through the clear water before her. He fixes her with that devilish grin.
"Come on in."
Tentatively, she dips her foot in; warm water laps around her toes, beckoning her in. She takes a breath and plunges in. The pool is deeper than she remembers and she sinks through a bottomless ocean. Sunlight splits the shadows and John is there, his arms around her. Together, they swim back to the surface.
"John…" She gazes at him, words welling in her throat, but his image ripples. "John—"
She reaches for him, but he is water through her fingers. Gone.
:-x-:
"Hey Hero!"
She starts from her reverie. Her running route has taken her down to the beach and she has been watching the windsurfers. At her name, she looks around and finds Ben grinning at her.
"How's my star teammate?"
"I'm good." She pushes from the railing to meet him. "How are you? How was your trip with Claudio and Pedro?"
It is strange; she can say Claudio's name now without a hitch but Pedro's makes her stumble.
Ben pulls an odd expression. "Alrighttt… I mean… it was brilliant, but I swear I was ready to murder those two near the end of it. They are so dramatic."
Hero laughs and Ben gives a sheepish smile, recognising the irony.
"You coming to Pedro's party tonight?"
"Um… I think Beatrice mentioned something about it…"
If she didn't know, she might not have noticed, but she is watching Ben closely and sees how his face stutters, the grin freezing on his face. "Right, yeah, Pedro has already invited her. Are both of you coming?"
"It's at Pedro's house?"
"Yeah, but it's not going to be like when we were teenagers and the whole school came. Mostly those of us who played rounders before and some other friends." He winks. "Now Pedro's an adult he has to foot the bill if anything gets broken, so you don't need to worry about a crowd."
Hero shuffles her foot. "I… um… don't know… that I'd be welcome."
She thinks about all the times she has been at the Aragons' villa this summer with John. Her stomach squirms at the idea of being there without him.
"Of course you would be! Why would you think otherwise?" Understanding dawns on his face. "Look if you're worried about Claudio, I doubt you'll even have to speak to him and I'll be there to break the tension."
Hero smiles at the sincerity of his offer. Ben was always Claudio's friend, they only ever hung out because of him, but it is nice to think they have since become real friends. She is still not sure about going to the party and having to interact with Claudio is one reason but… it would give her an excuse to visit the house… and if John is there… the odds are slim, he never showed his face at those parties before, but maybe… it's worth a shot and if he is there then they can talk, leave things better between them.
She exhales. "Thank you… um… I'll check with Beatrice… I'd… uh… need her to drive me anyway."
Ben's smile stalls. She considers briefly if she should tell him she knows, but doesn't see the point in poking at an open wound. She can tell it is open, the same as it is for Beatrice. She will have to think if there is anything she can do for them before the summer is over. Maybe if they are both at the party tonight she can lock them in a cupboard together. But she has her own heartache to deal with first.
"Uh… great…" he splutters, "...more the merrier. Hey, bring Margaret too, she's more than welcome."
Hero smiles. "I'll ask her."
"Cool, cool. If there's any games, you're on my team, alright?"
Hero laughs. "Absolutely!"
Ben's grin fills his face and he holds his hand up for a high-five. She meets him, giggling.
"Great! So, see you tonight?"
"Yeah," she smiles, "I'll be there."
"Awesome!" He fires finger guns at her and carries on down the street.
Hero continues her run, jogging across the beach. The windsurfers have started to draw in but John is not among them. She runs on, salt in her lungs.
:-x-:
It is strange arriving at the Aragon villa with Beatrice and Margaret in the car with her. Other cars are parked in the drive and Hero feels as if she has been transported back in time, before she knew what John's laugh sounded like.
"Ladies," Pedro greets them at the door with a sly grin. His shirt is unbuttoned and he is wearing swim trunks.
"We brought garlic rolls," Beatrice informs, holding out the container.
"Then by all means come in."
He leads them through the house to where the voices are and Hero sees people gathered around and in the pool. Margaret lets out a cheer, stripping down to her bikini without a care for the eyes turned in her direction.
"I… I'm going to use the bathroom," Hero excuses herself, taking advantage of the distraction.
"You remember where it is?" Pedro asks.
Hero falters, wondering in alarm if he knows about her visits with John. But no, he is thinking of before. She nods and scuttles down the hall.
Her heart batters her chest as she nears John's door. What if this is a mistake? What if he is mad at her for coming here? If he refuses to listen? What if he does listen and still looks at her with those blank unfeeling eyes? Or worse, with pity?
She swallows, muscles tensed, barely able to lift her fist to knock on his bedroom door. There is no response.
She waits a bit, then calls out softly, "John?"
No answer. The laughter of the others resounds from outside. With an unsteady hand, she grasps the door handle and steps inside the room.
It is empty. The bed is made as if no one has slept there in days; there are no clothes or personal belongings to be found. The room is barren, no trace of its previous occupant. She wonders if she has the wrong room, but no this is it; that is the same abstract painting on the wall that she gazed at so often in the throes of passion. She steps inside, walking around the room like something might reveal itself to her. She checks the en-suite and the closet as if John could be hiding from her in there but both are empty. John is not here. It looks as if the room has been cleared out.
Has he gone? Left Messina Cove without a word?
She sinks onto the bed; it creaks with her weight, just as it did all those times before with the two of them. She stares at the painting on the wall, not knowing what to do now. She could message him, she still has his number, but her confidence is shaken… it feels too vulnerable, sending a plea for his attention when all the evidence suggests he is done with her.
Suddenly desperate to refute this thought she pulls open the bedside drawer, not sure what she is expecting to find, perhaps some clue as to where John has gone and how she ended up here. Nothing. She shuts it and pulls open the one below it. Nothing. She slams it shut and hears the thud of something. Curious, she opens it again, slower this time, all the way… there is a book that has slid to the back of the drawer and she lifts it out.
Her throat constricts as she stares at the cover. Friday's Child by Georgette Heyer.
She flips through the pages until she finds a ticket stub used as a bookmark. It is placed after the chapter where the character Hero has left her husband, Sherry, and gone to Bath. She inspects the ticket, realising it is from the cinema, the same date as her visit with John. She closes the book, the ticket preserved inside. She sits there, staring at the cover. Something swells in her throat, a sob bursting out, followed by a giggle, and then another sob. She doesn't know what these things mean, but she is even more sure now that she has made a mistake, that she shouldn't have let John go without a fight.
She lingers in the bedroom until she can no longer put-off joining the others without uncomfortable questions. She checks there is no sign of her tears and leaves the room, book clutched in her hands.
"Hero!" Ben grins as she walks through the kitchen. "Want a drink?"
She accepts a bottle of cider, mustering a smile.
"You brought a book! We're not that boring, are we?"
Hero's face warms, flustering. "Um… no… this is… um… this is…"
"Hey Ben, pass me one of those—"
Hero's gratitude at the interruption withers as she meets Claudio's gaze. His face shutters, hardening into stone.
Ben clears his throat. "See you out there, Hero. Hey Claud, what's up?"
Hero swerves around Claudio, who looks as if he means to say something, and scurries out the doors to where the others are gathered around the poolside. She recognises most of them. There is Frank and Bart controlling the music. Berowne, Logan and Dumaine are splashing in the pool with Rosaline, Kitty, and Maria, who must have been invited too; she doesn't know where all the inflatables have come from but they are having fun riding pineapples and unicorns. She recognises a few of Pedro's other friends; Seb, Tony, Lorenzo and his girlfriend Jessica who is chatting with Margaret and Olivia.
Hero slinks across to join Beatrice on her deck chair. Her cousin looks at her in askance and whatever face she is making must answer for her. Beatrice's mouth thins; her curious gaze flicks to the book in Hero's hand and she tilts her head.
"I notice the lack of a grey cloud…" she drawls loudly, turning to Pedro. "I take it your brother isn't around?
"What? John? He took off soon after I returned. No idea where he's gone."
So he is gone, she is too late. Hero fights to keep her disappointment from her face.
She tries to enjoy the rest of the party, to join in the fun and laughter. She doesn't go in the pool despite Margaret's cajoling but sits at the edge tossing an inflatable ball back-and-forth. Games are started and Hero keeps her promise to support Ben, but it all becomes competitive pretty quick. She backs up as Ben and Beatrice engage in an intense game of flip-cup and goes to sit with the other women.
The sun has sunk in the sky, the outside lights coming on, and Hero pulls her cardigan around her. She thinks in another hour, she will be able to grab Beatrice and head home. She excuses herself from the conversation and wanders inside to use the toilet.
As she is returning, Claudio steps in front of her. She halts, moving to let him pass but he advances on her. "I want to talk to you."
She folds her arms across her front, glancing around him. Talking with Claudio is the last thing she wants to do, but refusing him is futile. "What is it?"
"I found this." He unfurls his palm.
Hero stares at the earring that lies there, shaped like a rosebud, her earring. Her hand rises towards her ear before she realises she is wearing other earrings and aborts the motion. But Claudio has seen.
He catches her hand, pressing the earring into her palm. It pinches. "I recognised it as yours as soon as I saw it. I gifted you this pair."
"It… um… I…" she fumbles for an explanation, a denial, the earring slipping into her pocket.
"I found it earlier this afternoon. When were you last here, Hero?"
"Claudio… let me pass." She tries to step around him but he blocks her.
"You've been here over the summer. Not because of Pedro, he's been travelling with me. So it must be the bastard."
"Don't call him that."
"So, I'm right. It is him." He advances on her, forcing her to shuffle backwards. "You've been sneaking up here with him."
"It's none of your business, Claudio." She tries to sound firm, tries to find a way to escape him.
"Like hell it isn't!" Claudio will not budge. "Did you fuck him?"
She flinches.
"You did! What the fuck, Hero!"
She recoils, her back hitting a table and Claudio looms over her, his accusing glare spearing her like when he used to ask her why she was late home.
Her breaths quicken, pulse stammering. "Le-Leave me a-alone. This has — has nothing t-to do with you."
"HA! That's rich! Like this isn't an attempt to get back at me! Seriously, Hero, John the Bastard? Don't you remember what he did to you in school?"
"That was — a — a long time ago — he's changed —"
Claudio scoffs. "He hasn't changed. He's still the same loser, creep, bastard son of a whore he always has been."
"Don't call him that!"
Claudio looks momentarily taken aback by her anger but his face twists into a sneer. "Why are you defending him? Have you forgotten how he talked about you? How he told everyone you were a slut! Heh, guess you proved him right. How long have you been spreading your legs for him?"
The table's edge digs into her spine and her breaths feel wet, panting as she tries to get air into her lungs. Her face prickles hot with mortification. "I don't know what I ever saw in you!"
Claudio has the gall to look hurt. Then his lip curls into a snarl. "I could say the same." He seizes her wrist, jerking her towards him. "You're nothing but a filthy slut!"
"Claudio — LET GO!"
She cries out, struggling against him but he is stronger. He snaps her arm back, pinning her against the table and as she looks into his livid gaze she fears what he will do next.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING." Ben stands there, his face stricken of its usual humour.
Claudio releases her and Hero steadies herself against the table, body shaking. He marches towards his friend, pointing an accusing finger at her. "She — slept with John the Bastard. She's been sleeping with him, I don't know how long, the whole summer, being his whore, letting him fuck her rancid cu—"
Hero gasps as Ben's fist connects with Claudio's jaw and he drops. Ben stands over him, his face a blaze of fury and his voice arctic cold. "Don't speak of her like that."
Claudio cradles his jaw, staring up at Ben in stunned betrayal. But his stupor doesn't last long, temper rearing as he leaps to his feet and hurls himself at Ben. They go crashing into a podium; the vase atop it falls and hits the ground, shattering into a million pieces as Ben and Claudio land amongst the shards. Hero screams. The others rush in, seeing the men sprawled across the floor and groaning.
"What happened!" Pedro demands, surveying the mess.
"Hero is fucking your brother," Claudio spits from the floor and Ben socks him in the kidneys.
Hero stands frozen as all eyes turn to her.
There is a beat of silence, then Margaret whoops. "I KNEW IT! WAY TO GO, HERO!"