A reality of our own making

Summary: Chakotay thought he was ready for the long-awaited reunion with Admiral Janeway, but after the initial burst of joy, wonder and relief has passed, he realizes there are some things he needs to work through before he can take that final leap of faith and seize that second chance they have both been yearning for.

This story contains SPOILERS for Star Trek Prodigy. If you haven't seen S2 and don't want to be spoiled – read no further!

Missing scenes/episode tag for Cracked Mirror; Admiral Janeway/Chakotay romance, HoloJaneway&Chakotay friendship

Author's notes: Well, look at that! I'm back after over a year of not writing! Apparently all I needed was Star Trek Prodigy S2 to nudge me out of my longest writer's block ever. Feels good to be back (and a little nerve wracking, if I'm being honest!)!

About the story: it's basically my take on what might have happened between Adm Janeway and Chakotay between the episodes S02E14 Cracked Mirror and S02E15 Ascension Part 1. If you've read my other stories, you know I love digging into the psychology of the characters and keep it as realistic as possible, and needless to say, Chakotay has gone through some pretty heavy stuff in S2. So as much as I wanted to write something light and fluffy for these two, I just couldn't ignore the reality of what he went through or the psychological/emotional aftermath either, because I truly believe Chakotay would have to deal with it all before he could fully reclaim his life and embrace a future with Kathryn. Hence the premise of this story. And of course, I love HoloJaneway and Chakotay's friendship with her is such a major part of his new story arc, she couldn't not make an appearance, featured here in her role as his dear friend and unofficial counselor.

Okay, enough rambling! On with the romance! This story is on the short side for me, but for the sake of not having you go through one extra long chapter, I'll post it in two installments.

I hope you enjoy!

oooOooo

Chapter 1

The Doctor tsked in a mix of disapproval and concern as he waved his medical tricorder about Chakotay, eyes glued to the screen in his hand. A few beds down, Chakotay's newfound, unlikely crew were undergoing a similar treatment from Dr. Noum and other members of Voyager's medical staff.

"You're seriously underweight, Captain," the Doctor told him a little distractedly as he computed the scan's results, "and suffering from a number of nutrient deficiencies. Wasn't there enough food where you were to feed yourself properly?"

"I ate enough," was Chakotay's gruff reply.

He didn't mean to be curt, but he was feeling restless, anxious to get back to his life – to a certain admiral in particular – and eager to put it all behind him. The last thing he wanted right now was a reminder of what he'd endured on Ysida. "I tried to limit my use of the replicator to save power," he added by way of an explanation. Actually, he'd rationed his replicator portions so that he would have one full meal per month. Every other day had been fish eggs and ion fruit. The reminder trigged an unwelcome, nauseating taste of sulfur in his mouth.

The Doctor's expression softened. "I see. Well, now that you're back, see that you diversify your diet. I'll give you a list of supplements to add to your meals as well. With regular balanced meals and exercise, you should be back to your old self in no time!" He tossed Chakotay a reassuring smile, then returned to his scanning, mood and tone brightening as he moved on. "I have to say, it's really wonderful to have you back with us again, Chakotay! I understand that you went through quite the adventure returning to us..."

Despite his best intentions, Chakotay found his attention drifting and tuning out the Doctor's chatter, too much on his mind and in his heart to focus. Could anyone blame him? He was still processing everything that had happened over the last few days. Trying to make sense of it all. Accept that he was here. That he finally had a chance to reclaim his life, his future.

Chakotay's thoughts inevitably returned to that glorious moment in the transporter room – the joy, the relief, the feel of Kathryn Janeway against him (even for just a few seconds), the amazed, tender look in her eyes. The way they had gotten lost in each other's gazes, searching, finding. He had heard the Doctor's voice and the excited ramblings of his newfound young shipmates somewhere behind him, but their voices had sounded far away; every sound but his own maddened heartbeat had, because he was finally – finally – standing in front of her, touching her, smelling her, hearing her breathe softly. After spending so long in the company of the scent-free, digitally perfect holographic version of her, he'd been struck by how...real the woman standing before him was: the color of her eyes that no holographic technology could do justice to, the faint traces of age on her face, the whitened strand of hair that had fallen just slightly out of place, the shine of moisture in her eyes. The warmth coming off her body. The hint of coffee on her breath and of her perfume in the air around her – a unique blend that brought him back over ten years into the past in a blinding flash of longing and memories. All of her so perfectly imperfect. Perfectly real. Perfectly alive. He'd almost chuckled out loud in relief and his eyes had pricked with moisture at the realization: it was really her.

Kathryn Janeway. His Kathryn Janeway.

And while he'd been entranced in taking his fill of her, staring unabashedly, her own expression and smile had been soft as her eyes searched his face too, as though seeking the same kind of confirmation in his features that he was finding in hers, interrupted only when the Doctor had ushered them all to Voyager's sickbay.

So the best he could do now was respond to the Doctor's happy chatter with an absent-minded nod here, a smile there, all the while his mind spinning, his heart soaring, and his muscles aching to move, to do something. Sitting here was torture knowing that it was the only thing keeping him from-

"...iral Janeway never stopped searching for you, you know. She even went against orders to make sure she kept hope alive."

As though the sound of her name pierced into the rushing tumult of his thoughts and emotions, Chakotay perked up, snapping his attention back to the Doctor. What was that?

The Doc went on, his eyes still on the medical equipment and oblivious to Chakotay's suddenly rapt attention. "Despite a certain admiral," he lowered his voice at that, throwing Chakotay a knowing look, "throwing a spanner in the works at every turn, she never surrendered. Never gave in to accusations that her feelings were clouding her judgment. She held on to hope even when it was...hopeless. Putting her trust in our young protégés to bring you back safely when she couldn't. We were all in along with her, of course. There!" He shut his tricorder with a snap, putting an end to his rambling by the same token, and Chakotay all but jumped at the sound. "You're all set, Captain. Aside from what I've already mentioned, you're about as healthy as can be, under the circumstances. Make sure to come back tomorrow for your psychological evaluation with Dr. Noum. Until then try to get a good night's rest. And a good meal."

Chakotay blinked, then shook himself, his brain still caught up trying to process what the Doctor had disclosed about Kathryn. She never gave up. Never surrendered. Went against orders. Could this be true? Of course they were talking about Kathryn Janeway – her stubbornness and determination to bring her crew home were legendary and had apparently not faded in the least, and yet... The implications of her actions, of her relentless search for him, of what this could mean about her feelings, were momentous, and he found himself struggling to wrap his head (and his heart) around it all.

Belatedly, the Doctor's dismissal reached his brain and he nodded. "Good. Thank you, Doctor. I'll make sure to follow your recommendations," he added absent-mindedly as he pushed himself off the biobed, gave the Doc's shoulder a pat, and headed for the exit.

Yet, despite the raw hope now burning a hole in his chest, despite the utter relief and the joy of being back where he belonged – and with whom he belonged – it was with a frown on his face that he left sickbay, gaze lowered to the shiny floor, deep in thought.

ooOoo

When the Protostar's computer detected the captain's presence onboard, it felt to Janeway like an alarm clock waking her up from a deep sleep. Locating him on the bridge, she materialized next to his captain's chair in a shimmering of light, and clasped her hands behind her back.

"Well! I didn't expect you back so soon!" She beamed at him as he made his way past her and toward the main viewscreen. She was eager to hear about his homecoming, his reunion with the admiral, and everything else besides.

Yet he barely seemed to hear her as he made a beeline for one of the consoles and... leaned against it with both hands curled around the edges – staring down at it but not seeing, the only light in the room coming from the soft glow of consoles. After a second, he glanced at her over his shoulder as though he'd just realized she'd spoken, before returning not looking at the console. "I just came to get a few things.

A little nonplussed by his quiet voice and rather grave demeanor – which coincidentally was a little too reminiscent of his gruff behavior on the island – Janeway stepped closer so she could see his profile. The light from the console created stark shadows on his face in the dimness of the bridge. "Well? How did it go?" She asked eagerly, watching him closely to gauge his mood. "Did you see the admiral?"

Though his preoccupied look didn't fade, she was relieved to see the corners of his lips quirk up for a brief moment, subtly softening the lines around his eyes. "Eventually. We had a bit of a detour through alternate realities on the way." He brushed off her quizzical expression with a move of his hand. "A story for another time."

At that moment Bribble came running into the room excitedly, as though alerted to their presence by the sound of their voices and eager for company. The little creature jumped onto the console next to Chakotay and peered at him expectantly, then Janeway. Chakotay ruffled Bribble's spiky hair in greeting, distractedly.

"Well? Tell me! How was it? How was she?" Janeway pressed. Goodness, would she have to force it out of him?

There was that soft, wan smile again. "Just as I remembered," he replied on a wistful sigh. "Warm. Commanding. Strong." He let out a huff of a breath, closing his eyes. "Beautiful." He opened his eyes again, then half turned his head to meet her gaze, his expression a mix of wonder, raw hope, and... a flash of apprehension. It was as though feeling such immense joy and hope was actually painful to him. "And the way she looked at me... There was more than relief in her eyes."

Okay, that was good, wasn't it?

"So...what's the problem?" She asked, more gently, but still deeply puzzled by his behavior. Bribble jumped into her arms and she caught him, distractedly petting him.

After a long beat he inhaled. Let the breath out again. He bowed his head. Inhaled again. "I thought I was ready to face her," he admitted at last, his voice low and husky with raw emotion. "I really did. Seeing her, getting to hold her in my arms for even just a few seconds, was... incredible. But now, the reality of our situation has really started to sink in and I-" He shook his head in frustration, lost for words.

Janeway's frown deepened. "What reality is that, exactly?"

"The reality in which I just spent years stranded with nothing by my grief and bitterness to hold on to. After making a series of decisions I'm not particularly proud of. After losing my entire crew. We both know she'll ask questions, want answers. Answers I'm not sure I can or want to give her right now."

She sighed, her shoulders sagging in understanding: fear of disappointing those you loved was a powerful thing indeed, but... "Is that it? You did what you did for a reason. You could never disappoint her, Chakotay."

His head turned sharply in her direction, eyes flashing. "Couldn't I? The Doctor said she'd never given up hope. That she never stopped searching – went against orders to keep searching. All this time. She's been looking for me. Hoping against all odds."

Janeway's frown deepened again. Had he always been this hard to comprehend? It made it harder to understand human emotions when the subjects were obviously so confused about them themselves, she realized. "I'm not sure I understand. How is that not a good thing?"

"It is. It's... incredible." He tensed and straightened to his full height, half turning to face her. "But don't you see? I gave up!" The words seemed to explode out of him, his voice raw with emotion, his gesture abrupt when he slapped at his chest. "I gave up! How can I face her knowing that she was out there – risking her life and her career to find me while I sabotaged and hated every solution or path that would have brought me back to her? That for the longest time, I hated everything and everyone that reminded me of her, of the life I could never have!"

Janeway couldn't help it, she flinched. Because this hate he spoke of, it had included her.

In the first several months they had spent marooned on the island, Chakotay had avoided her at all costs, shutting down her program whenever she appeared in his presence unbidden, snapping at her when he had to address her out of necessity. It wasn't until she brought up his behavior with Adreek that she'd understood why. "Don't you know?" Adreek had told her gravely as he'd worked on mending a solar collector, his expression pained. "It's because of who you are. You're a walking reminder of everything and the one thing he's never going to have. The one thing – the one person – he's ever wanted. The one he's doing all this for."

Janeway had gasped in understanding. In retrospect, she knew this was the moment her own – very young – program had started expanding. Growing. Learning. "The admiral."

"He's trying to mourn a loss that neither of us can truly understand."

"We have to find a way to leave this island, Commander. For his sake. For all our sake."

Adreek had sighed, his gaze shifting to the upcoming ion storm on the horizon, lightening flashing across the darkening skies. "I know. I'm working on it."

Eventually, especially after Adreek left in search of dark matter and never returned, the captain had come to accept her – or resigned himself to her presence – and in time had learned to see her as her own person, just as she herself had. But the friendship they shared now had not been an easy one.

Now, fueled with newfound understanding and stark determination to ensure her captain and friend didn't let this chance at happiness slip through his fingers because of fear or some misguided sense of shame, Janeway stepped closer to Chakotay, holding his gaze with enough stubbornness to make her organic alter ego proud. Bribble made a chirping sound in her arms, as though in support.

"You want to feel shame about that? Fine, but if you want to move forward you'll have to find a way to work through that and learn to live with the weight of your decisions, Captain." Though her voice was calm, it was his turn to flinch in surprise. "But don't make this about her," she added, unsure whether she was entreating or warning him. "And don't let the past get in the way of both your futures. Because even though we have our differences, I think I know her enough to know that she would see your actions in the same way I do: what you did wasn't giving up, Chakotay. It took a tremendous amount of courage to do what you did. To trade your life for the Federation. For hers. She'll understand what your sacrifice was for. And she'll understand your grief. Maybe better than anyone. In fact I have it on good authority that she would have probably sacrificed herself in a similar way had she been in your scruffy shoes," she added, letting some wry humor back into her voice.

Something about that last comment caused him to deflate, dipping his shoulders and softening his stance, transforming his expression. He scoffed softly, lips curling ever so slightly at the corners. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "She would have, at that," he conceded before letting his arms fall to his sides again.

"So tell me: would you have stopped looking for her? Had your positions been reversed?"

He looked up, startled. "No. Never." No hesitation. Good.

She exhaled, her expression and stance softening. "She'll understand, Chakotay," she repeated. "She'll see your actions as the acts of a man, a captain, desperate to save everyone and everything he holds dear. The acts of an honorable man, not those of a coward." He met her gaze warily at that, and at that moment she knew she'd put the finger on the precise thing that had brought him here. He hadn't used that word specifically, but it had hung in the wake of his outburst.

With the wind out of his sail and some of his fears finally out in the open, he seemed a little bit more at peace when he shifted until he was leaning back against the console, not quite sitting on the edge. When he gazed up at her, there was a hint of his more typical humor in his expression. "You don't think she'll see me as a 'broken old man'?"

She couldn't help it. She smirked. "Is that how you see yourself?"

His lips curled a little, and his fingers came up to brush against his chin, as if feeling the newly shaved skin. "Not anymore. Not since that crazy bunch came through and turned my life upside down," he added with a smirk.

Janeway smiled, standing taller in satisfaction. She nudged her head toward Voyager, the gleaming hull still visible out the viewscreen as it flew alongside the Protostar. "Well then. Stop wasting your time with me and go to her. Everything that's happened since that crazy bunch showed up has been about taking one leap of faith after the next. I think it's time you take the final one. No one deserves that second chance at happiness more than you do, Captain. Both of you."

He nodded slowly, accepting the truth of her words, then pushed himself off the console. "Okay. No time like the present, right?" She smiled fondly when he tugged on the hem of his fresh uniform jacket and squared his shoulders.

He'd taken a few steps across the bridge when she cleared her throat. "Aren't you forgetting something?" She asked his back, arching an eyebrow.

He stopped, turned on his heels, and with a hint of a crooked smile, doubled back to step right up to her. Wordlessly, he took Bribble from her arms. She made a face –Rok would be happy to reunite with the little creature, of course, but that wasn't what she-

He smiled at her expression, a genuine, heartfelt smile this time. "Thank you, Janeway. Who needs a counseling session with Dr. Noum when you have an Emergency Training Hologram?" His expression turned more serious. "Really. Thank you. No matter what happens over there, I owe you one. Actually, I probably owe you a lot more than one."

She slanted her lips in response, arching an eyebrow wryly. "Bah. Who's counting."

ooOoo