8

Assimilation

Chishiya

Chishiya hadn't been able to see Niragi's expression while the light beamed in his face. He'd only heard Asuka's panicked voice calling Niragi's name, telling him to snap out of his trance. So he'd thrown his phone at him, in the hopes the impact would wake him up. If Chishiya's theory was correct, Niragi had to select an answer because Asuka had selected one, acknowledging that one of the statements was in fact a lie.

Thankfully throwing the phone at him had worked, brought him back from whatever place he'd disappeared to.

Now they were walking through the streets side by side on their way back to the beach. Chishiya contemplated asking the questions burning on the tip of his tongue.

"Go ahead. Ask," Niragi broke the silence. He must've read the intent in Chishiya's eyes.

Chishiya glanced up at him. He wasn't sure which question he wanted to ask first so he just blurted,"how did you do it?"

"You mean how did I try to kill myself?" Niragi asked a little too casually as he met his gaze, and Chishiya just nodded once in response.

Niragi halted and stretched his wrist out toward Chishiya, his sleeve covering it. His gun was resting on his opposite shoulder.

Chishiya stared at Niragi's outstretched fist. "Go on. Take a peek," Niragi coaxed.

Chishiya's eyes wandered back up and met his. "Why?" he breathed.

"Why did I do it?"

"No. Why are you telling me this? You fight so hard to hide your past why show me this now?" Chishiya asked.

Niragi shrugged, "you seem to know more about me than anyone else in the Borderlands. Besides. If you tell anyone I can always kill you." It wasn't a threat. There was a note of humour in his tone.

"You make a fair point," Chishiya noted amused.

"So go on," Niragi motioned at his outstretched wrist with his chin.

Chishiya hesitated for a moment. Why was Niragi sharing such a personal thing with him? Did the five of hearts game get under his skin that much? And if it had then why wasn't he hiding it behind snarky comments and death threats like he usually did?

Chishiya gently held Niragi's wrist with one hand as he pushed the sleeve of the black, giraffe patterned shirt up, with the other. He stilled as he laid eyes on the multiple deep scars running down his forearm.

"The other arm looks identical," Niragi added dryly. He watched Chishiya closely with his black menacing eyes. Except they weren't menacing at all. There was a softness in his eyes Chishiya had never witnessed before. This was the Niragi without the mask, without the urge to hide behind his anger and the need to prove himself.

Chishiya remained silent as he slid the sleeve of Niragi's shirt back into place. So much about Niragi's current behaviour confused him. Why the sudden change of heart? They both loathed each other. Before they'd arrived at the game arena Niragi still had that rage burning in his eyes when he looked at him. But now? Now something else burned in those eyes. Hope perhaps. Was it the same hope Chishiya had felt flicker alive? And where had Niragi's mind traveled to just before Chishiya threw the phone at him? So many questions and no answers. It frustrated him. "Please say something," Niragi whispered closing his eyes, pain echoing in his voice with every word. "I can't take the silent judgement."

Chishiya's focus shifted back to reality. He hadn't realised he'd been lost in thought for so long.

"I'm not judging you. We both carry our demons. I just can't help but wonder why you are trusting me with this. Me, of all people," Chishiya explained.

Niragi took a deep breath and opened his eyes, locking onto Chishiya's curious gaze before replying, "because we're the same you and I. And maybe some part of me is hoping to finally have met someone who understands..." Niragi swallowed hard before continuing, " me. Me and my twisted mind."

Chishiya stared at him, there was so much pain in those pleading eyes. It reminded him of all the patients he'd had to explain himself to, explain that their life saving surgery wasn't happening. They'd all looked at him with hope in their eyes as they pleaded and begged, believing he could change anything about it. And he'd watched that hope die and wither as he coldly muttered his apologies before turning around and walking away without so much as another glance.

Maybe, just maybe, he'd been sent to the Borderlands to get a second chance, Chishiya thought. And maybe helping a tortured soul like Niragi's was the first step on a long road that lead to possible forgiveness. For the both of them.

"I do understand," Chishiya softly replied before realising he was still holding Niragi's wrist. But he didn't tear his gaze away from Niragi. "Because you're right. We are the same."

It felt like time had halted entirely as Chishiya watched Niragi search for an answer. "We should probably head back," was all he ended up replying as his eyes flicked down to his wrist still resting in Chishiya's palm. Chishiya simply nodded and released Niragi's wrist before continuing on their way.

They both stayed silent for a while as they closed the distance between them and the hotel that housed the beach and it's members.

Chishiya used that time to try clear his thoughts. Could he trust Niragi? He wanted to, he realised. His heart longed for someone to confide in, to share his sorrow and regret with. After having been alone for so many years he had practically given up hope. I'm afraid to die alone never having known any form of love. That statement couldn't have been more true. After his mothers death he'd kept away from people, observed them, never engaged with them. He hadn't been close to anyone, hadn't had any friends, hell not even any romantic interests. And he'd been so detached from reality, numb to any emotion for such a long time he couldn't even remember what his mothers love had felt like. Part of him had forced him to forget of course. Ultimately her love for him had been why she had chosen his wellbeing over her own. And Chishiya was convinced that he hadn't deserved that love, hadn't been worthy of it. So forgetting had been the easy way out, the cowards way out.

"You must have your own questions," Chishiya broke the silence after a while.

"Many actually," Niragi confirmed, "too many."

"Then by all means, ask away," Chishiya replied, his hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie as they walked.

Niragi shot him a contemplative glance before asking, "your mother. What happened?" His voice was soft but also carried a hint of caution.

"She was sick, we were poor. We couldn't afford her medication," Chishiya answered matter of factly.

Niragi stayed silent for a few moments as he considered his next words. Chishiya simply waited. He knew Niragi felt vulnerable now, in this moment. So he wouldn't rush him.

"So... How was it your fault?"

"I should have realised she needed help. I should have noticed her decline, seen the sacrifices she made. I should have acted," Chishiya answered, not a drop of emotion in his voice. That was the only way he could speak of that day without drowning in guilt. Over the years he had become a master at detaching himself from his emotions. It had become so easy and familiar that he now struggled not to dissociate. And Niragi noticed the slight shift within him.

"You sound like you don't care." It wasn't an insult, his tone was too warm, too gentle.

Chishiya exhaled, "that day. The day she died. Was the last time I ever cared about anything or anyone."

They had reached the bridge leading across the river to the glowing building that was the sorry existence of the beach. They stopped for a short break and stood at the edge of the river, watching the reflection of the beach's lights dance across the water. Small waves rippled across the surface, animated by a light breeze almost too warm for this time of year. The steady rhythm of waves sloshing against the river bank and the faraway music of the beach were the only sounds echoing around them.

"And now?" Niragi finally asked. His voice was incredibly gentle as he spoke. He tore his gaze from the water to look down at Chishiya, waited for his reaction.

"And now..." Chishiya took a deep breath, his eyes focused on the blackness of the water. He lifted his head and met Niragi's gaze before continuing.

"And now, I think some part of me might want to learn how to care again."

He was aware of the irony, to want to heal in a place of death and misery. But being sent here - to the Borderlands - had also been a wake up call. One he'd desperately needed to escape the never ending cycle that had been his old life.

"How old were you when...you know?" Niragi asked softly.

"Eleven," Chishiya answered flatly, and left it at that.

They both remained silent for a long while, perfectly contempt to simply exist for a moment. Niragi leaned his forearms on the railing that bordered the river, his gun beside him resting against balustrade. Chishiya stood beside him his hands casually tucked into his hoodie.

Niragi finally broke the silence when he dropped his head forward and sighed, "I really don't want to head back." He kicked some dirt around with his boot before continuing. "All those idiots at the beach..." he shook his head and grimaced, "they're insufferable."

"One hearts game and you'd rather be here than taunting others? Don't go soft on me Niragi," Chishiya teased with a subtle smirk. Niragi took a sharp breath to shoot an insult at him but Chishiya, who could tell he'd gone too far, cut him off, "relax. It was just a joke. I didn't mean it."

Chishiya hadn't meant to antagonise him. As soon as he'd made his comment, he could feel Niragi's protective instincts kick in. Like a cornered animal his first response was to lash out. How much torment had it taken for Niragi to be so insanely insecure, he wondered.

Niragi huffed a short breath and smirked half heartedly, "old habits die hard I guess."

"That they do," Chishiya agreed.

They both stared back out at the water and a moment later Chishiya said, "Huh."

Niragi tensed as he turned his head and raised one eyebrow at him, "Huh what?"

"I've just realised," he paused for several seconds as he watched the moon's reflection dance in the water, "I don't want to head back yet either."

Niragi released the breath he was holding and smirked. "Then let's stay a little longer."