9

Desolation

Niragi

Chishiya's touch had been so delicate, so gentle when he'd held Niragi's wrist. His heart had been hammering against his chest so hard he'd wondered if Chishiya might hear it. Watching him study his scars had made him feel so exposed, so vulnerable, he'd have been perfectly contempt if the earth had split open and swallowed him whole. He'd braced himself for the habitual insults that lived in his mind rent free. But then Chishiya had asked him why. And at first he'd thought Chishiya wanted to hear the story behind the very scars he'd just studied. But he'd thought wrong. He'd wanted to know why Niragi had decided to show him something so personal. Something about that question had calmed him, his mind and body. Chishiya hadn't judged him, his scars, his past. When their gazes met he'd seen so much understanding in Chishiya's eyes he might have thought he was dreaming. And Niragi had meant it when he replied that they were one and the same.

Chishiya hadn't pushed him to tell his story, which Niragi was thankful for. He might tell him one day, when he was ready. But right now, whatever this was between them, was too fresh, too unfamiliar. He was strangely aware that Chishiya could have killed him in that hearts game tonight. Instead he… saved his life? The world didn't make sense. But then again, when had it ever made sense?

Now they both sat on the hotel roof, drinks in hand, watching the party crowd below move as one to the rhythm of the music. Niragi dangled his legs over the edge of the roof, his gun resting beside him, while Chishiya had made himself comfortable in a chair a few feet behind him.

They'd come up here after they'd dropped off their report on the five of hearts game – without going too much into detail of course. Neither of them wanted their secrets exposed. Perhaps that was why they'd sought out each others company tonight. Their now shared secrets.

"So this is where you hang out huh? No wonder I never see you at the parties," Niragi began and inclined his head to look at Chishiya. "So what, you... just sit here and watch people?"

Chishiya regarded him for a moment, his expression unreadable. "I observe, I learn," was all he replied.

Niragi raised his pierced eyebrow, "that's it? I was expecting some dark shit like 'I like to stalk my prey before I go in for the kill' or something."

Chishiya couldn't stop his smirk. His eyebrows shot up as he watched Niragi's attempt at impersonating him, "I don't sound like that. Besides. That's something you would say."

"Touché." Niragi sipped his beer and turned back to watch the crowd, "I like this spot."

Again silence spread between them but it was a welcoming one. When Niragi finished his beer, he set the empty bottle down, grabbed his gun and got to his feet. Chishiya tilted his head and glanced up at him with a questioning look.

"It's late. I'll uh... see you tomorrow. This was... nice. I guess," Niragi muttered and winced at his own awkwardness.

Chishiya nodded once, "Yeah. See you then."

"Night," Niragi added and headed for the door that would take him back inside the hotel.

"Night," Chishiya mumbled after him.

What a weird ass day, Niragi thought to himself as he reached the stairs. He'd never had a friend, not really. Not that he'd call Chishiya a friend, not yet. Even after high school, after he'd moved out and cut all ties with his family, people still avoided him, hated him. For different reasons though.

After high school Niragi had changed everything he possibly could about himself. So he'd gotten his nose and eyebrow pierced – he'd kept the tongue piercing his bullies had forced onto him, as a reminder, he told himself, a promise he'd never be a victim again – had grown his hair out and ditched the glasses. He'd forced himself to talk differently, to move differently and put the shy, helpless boy he detested so much to rest. His personality swung into the opposite direction. He'd gone so far he'd turned himself into a lying, selfish, manipulative psychopath, that gunned anyone down without a second thought should he spot so much as hint of malintent towards him. He'd nearly lunged at Chishiya before at the bridge. That was who he was, who he'd become.

A life of misery. Now and forever more. Unless I change. That was what he'd told himself. But his changes hadn't fixed anything. Life remained miserable. So instead he had embraced it. Hated, despised, further hated, living a life to be further despised. That was the vicious cycle he'd managed to trap himself in.

Then he landed here, in the Borderlands, a lawless country. And he'd sworn to himself he'd come out on top, no matter what. If he had to kill them all so be it, but he would be the one to win, to rule and to never be at anyone's mercy ever again.

Tonight had thrown him off that path for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. For the first time since he arrived here he doubted himself, doubted his decision. But was it worth letting his guard down, that was the question. It could get him killed. But maybe, if he did let someone see the real him, someone who understood, then just maybe there was a chance he could be saved.

Bullshit. Stop being weak. He scolded himself. No way in hell was he worth...

Niragi was wrenched from his destructive thoughts as he collided with someone who'd come rushing around the corner of the winding staircase. He quickly caught himself before he could tumble down the steps and took in the scene.

Kuina gaped up at him in surprise. She quickly caught herself and shot him a repulsed look.

"I wasn't expecting you here." It wasn't an apology. Kuina, although petite, always stood her ground. She had guts, Niragi had to give her that.

His defences snapped back into place around his mind, as he witnessed the hate in her eyes. He stared down at her, a feline grin slowly decorating his face and stepped closer until his lips hovered close to her ear. "I'm allowed to go where I please. You best not forget that Kuina," he threatened in a low but feral tone. This role came so easy to him, felt so natural and yet a twisted part of him truly itched to shove her down the stairs. If she broke her neck great, bonus for him. He'd just convince the others it was an accident. But Chishiya would know, he reminded himself, he'd see right through you.

It was moments like these that made Niragi doubt he was worth saving, made him doubt there was anything left to save in the first place. Moments where his instincts simply took over, instincts he'd developed after almost two decades of misery and torment.

Kuina casually swivelled her head to face him. She didn't recoil or back away, just simply stood her ground, her face so close to his he could almost taste her.

"Or what?" Kuina challenged.

Moments passed as he fought the urge to snap her pretty little neck, forced down the pure, molten rage he felt pumping through his veins. How dare she challenge him. If only she knew how wicked of a heart beat inside his chest, she'd be begging for his forgiveness, begging him to let her live.

"Kuina. I was wondering what took you so long." Niragi's head whirled around, he'd been so focused on Kuina he hadn't heard Chishiya climb down the steps.

Kuina shot Niragi one last hateful glance before marching up the stairs past Chishiya. Niragi locked eyes with him, before he too turned and disappeared up the stairs. And just like that Niragi was alone again.

He stood paralysed, a hurricane of thoughts whirling through his mind. How long had Chishiya been standing there? What had he heard, seen, learned? Had he recognised Niragi's intent, his rage? That he was about to lose himself, give himself over to that evil, twisted, darkness that ever so slowly seemed to consume him? Of course he'd seen it. Who was Niragi kidding?

And why do you even care?

Niragi shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind. It didn't work. He desperately needed a drink. Or anything that could distract him, numb his mind, so he could just stop thinking. But getting a drink meant heading to the pool bar, since all the bottles in his room were absolutely and completely bone fucking dry.

That also meant Chishiya would see him, watch him, like he watched all the other idiots residing at the beach.

"Screw it," he muttered to himself. He really needed that bloody drink.