11

Introspection

Chishiya

Chishiya sat in his chair, on the rooftop, observing the movements down below. Kuina lounged in her own chair to his left. He'd known she was on her way to the roof to seek him out, had spotted her in the crowd staring up at him, just after Niragi had taken his leave. And he'd been just in time to prevent Kuina and Niragi from tearing each others throats out.

"Why was he up here with you? What did he want?" Kuina frowned at him.

Chishiya's intelligent eyes rested on Niragi, seated at the bar, intent on drinking himself into oblivion. "I had a matter I wanted to discuss with him," he simply replied.

"Was it related to your game tonight?" she asked curiously.

"Something like that," Chishiya murmured thoughtfully.

Kuina nodded slightly before pressing on, "we're not including him in our plan, are we?"

Chishiya shot her a bored glance before refocusing on Niragi. "No. Not at this stage."

"Good," she sighed in relief. "He's a monster. I'd never help someone like him."

"And what makes you believe I'm not a monster like him?" he asked in amusement. His calculating eyes darkened as they followed Niragi, now being led onto the dance floor by a stranger.

"You don't go around killing people for fun, don't take pleasure in inflicting pain on others. Niragi's a crazy psycho. You're nothing like him."

Chishiya huffed a bitter laugh. "We're more alike than you'd imagine."

Kuina's frown deepened, clearly confused, unable to ever understand who he truly was. She will find out soon enough, he thought.

"How so?" she asked.

"It's not my place to tell," he barely shook his head as he spoke, his voice firm.

Kuina new him well enough, knew he wasn't going to reveal more than that, so instead she followed his gaze and spotted Niragi dancing with a girl.

"He's going to hurt her isn't he? She's his next victim," she asked bitterly.

"Not if I stop him." Chishiya glanced at Kuina, his face grave. "Our plan still stands. I'm still figuring out the details. We'll get the cards, don't worry."

Chishiya didn't wait for her reply as he pushed himself out of his seat, and made his way to the courtyard he'd been observing just mere moments ago.

Chishiya had managed to convince the bartender, that Niragi had sent him, to retrieve his gun. Then he'd waited at Niragi's door, ready to intercept him and his company. He hadn't needed to wait long before Niragi had come hurtling around the corner. He'd been a frantic mess, black eyes wide in sheer panic and horror. Chishiya had known instantly that Niragi was having a panic attack. He'd wanted to help him, calm him, but the whole situation had caught him off guard. He'd expected Niragi to show up with the girl, not by himself, and certainly not in such a state of panic. Chishiya scolded himself for miscalculating the situation. He should have anticipated such a reaction from Niragi, especially after what he'd learned about him tonight.

Chishiya hadn't seen Niragi flee from the party, hadn't seen him push all those people out of his way, clawing at his shirt's collar desperate for oxygen.

Now Chishiya stared up at Niragi dumbfounded. He had not expected that answer. Not at all. He struggled for words, so many questions flooding his mind.

"Forget I said that," Niragi averted his gaze as he spoke. "No wait," Chishiya woke from his shock and grabbed hold of Niragi's arm with one hand, to stop him from fleeing to his room. "Just, help me understand." Chishiya's voice was but a gentle murmur.

So many mistakes he'd made tonight, so many miscalculations. What the hell was wrong with him tonight? This wasn't at all like him, every decision he made was usually carefully considered and every possible outcome was part of his equation.

Chishiya's usually collected demeanour almost faltered when Niragi pinned him against the wall, his forearm pressing against Chishiya's throat.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Niragi threatened, rage blazing in his intense, black eyes. Behind that anger though, Chishiya witnessed cold fear, sheer panic. Niragi's reaction was pure instinct, conditioned through the repeated torment of his past. Fight or flight. And from what Chishiya had observed over the short time they'd known each other, Niragi's instincts always pushed him to fight in this country. Yet Chishiya had allowed himself to make such a grave mistake, by trying to stop Niragi from fleeing to a safe space, away from the evident discomfort, that was their current situation.

Chishiya forced himself to remain calm as he stared back at Niragi. He's drunk, falling apart and desperately trying to hold himself together. He doesn't know what he's doing.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Chishiya said calmly, ignoring Niragi's arm pressing against his throat and partially cutting off his air supply.

Chishiya watched Niragi's face pale with realisation. In a heartbeat the anger written in Niragi's expression was swept away by sorrow and regret.

"Shit," Niragi cursed as he released Chishiya from his grip and took several tumbling steps back.

Chishiya straightened himself, buried both hands in his pockets and remained silent, allowing Niragi to collect himself.

"I... I didn't mean... Fuck," Niragi stuttered before shaking his head. "This is what I am. I hurt people. I enjoy seeing their fear, their agony. Hearing their ridiculous pleas and their pained screams. I revel in it. Yet for some fucked up reason that I can't even begin to understand you, of all people, are the only one I..." Niragi struggled to find the right words.

The sound of voices suddenly echoed down the hallway. Someone was coming towards them, would see them, hear their conversation. Niragi quickly opened the door to his room and marched inside. He halted in the doorway before he somewhat reluctantly invited Chishiya inside. "Come in or leave, or they'll catch us together, which will only raise questions."

Chishiya followed him inside, and shut the door behind him, where he stopped, his hands back in his pockets. He watched Niragi cross the room to the window, stepping over and dodging empty bottles, piles of clothes and rubbish with practiced ease. Niragi braced one hand against the wall, stared out the window and remained silent.

Chishiya scanned the chaotic mess that was Niragi's room, the dozens of empty glass bottles scattered about. All bottles of alcohol, he noted. Was this what Niragi's mind looked like too? He wouldn't be surprised if it did, he realised.

The silence grew heavy between them and it soon became clear that Niragi wouldn't finish his trail of thought.

"I'm the only one you don't want to hurt," Chishiya calmly finished Niragi's sentence from before they were interrupted.
"Fuck! Can you just bloody stop that! Just stop reading my every thought!" He pivoted and glared at Chishiya before continuing, his voice growing louder with every word. "I don't fucking know what I want! All I wanted before tonight was revenge, to be the villain everyone expects me to be. But that fucking game did something, You did something. Something's different now, and I just..." Niragi ran one hand through his hair in distress, his eyes moving as if searching through a world Chishiya couldn't see, for his next words. "I don't know anymore. I don't know what I want." Niragi breathed before he turned back towards the window and crossed his arms, his jaw subtly clenching and unclenching in an attempt to control himself.

Chishiya understood then, because he felt the same. He wasn't sure he knew what he wanted anymore either. Something had changed tonight, for the both of them. Before the five of hearts game Chishiya had wanted nothing but to steal all the cards from Hatter, leave the beach to it's own demise and get the fuck out of this country. Before this game he hadn't cared if anyone lived or died as long as he got out. But now, with what he believed to be a spark of hope, slowly melting the wall of ice encasing his empty heart, everything shifted. But hope for what? For forgiveness? A purpose? A friend? Perhaps he hoped to finally be understood, finally be seen. Or maybe Chishiya hoped to wake up, to be the person he was before his mother died, before this whole nightmare had started.

Sinister, unnerving, daunting. Those were the words most foster families had ushered, when they rejected the orphanage's plea to take him in. No one had wanted him, wanted to be around him. He'd scared the shit out of his caretakers and the other kids at the orphanage with his cold, calculating demeanour. So much so, that the orphanage had cleared out a storage room for him to sleep in, because no one had wanted to share a bedroom with him.

Back then Chishiya hadn't cared that he was lonely, he'd even found it comforting. But seeing Niragi standing there by the window, knowing that he was just as lonely, just as broken, touched something in his heart, he'd believed long dead.

"Another thing we have in common then," Chishiya finally muttered, his voice soft.

A growl emanated from deep within Niragi's chest as he whirled around and lunged towards Chishiya. "Why the fuck do we have to be so similar!? If it weren't for you and that stupid game I wouldn't be feeling..." he sighed in despair, standing barely two steps away from Chishiya, "whatever the fuck this is I'm feeling." He placed a hand over his heart for a brief moment before dropping it back to his side. "I don't know whether I want to punch you or ..." Niragi shook his head in frustration and averted his gaze toward the ground. "I just don't fucking know," he murmured.

Chishiya stepped closer and looked up at Niragi. "Here's an idea. Think about it, about what you really want. And then come find me."

After the revelations tonight, Chishiya was almost certain, that Niragi's decision wouldn't encompass violence towards him. He knew Niragi desperately wanted someone, anyone, to see him, truly see all of him, knew he desperately wanted to not feel lonely anymore. He also knew he needed to give Niragi space, to properly think it through. If he stuck around any longer he might risk Niragi to feel too anxious, too vulnerable, which would only trigger his fight instinct. And Chishiya most definitely didn't want Niragi's fist colliding with his face.

So before Niragi could muster an answer, Chishiya whirled and took his leave. A heartbeat later he heard the door click shut behind him, and halted for a moment, all alone again.

With a soft sigh he headed towards his own room, fully aware that he wasn't going to get a single minute of sleep tonight. He had too many confusing thoughts and questions darting through his mind. So many mistakes to analyse and dissect. And most importantly he had his own question to answer.

What did he truly want?