12

Credence

Niragi

He knew he'd fucked up. Utterly, completely and royally fucked up. After Chishiya had walked out the door he'd begun pacing, hands both buried in his hair in frustration.

Frustration from tonights cruel game, from tonight's events with Maiko, from Chishiya's reaction.

But most of all he was frustrated with himself.

What the hell had he fucking expected, attacking Chishiya like that? Part of him had wanted to go after him, but he wouldn't have known what to say. So he'd stayed behind, ruminating, thinking, contemplating.

Niragi didn't know what he wanted. Not really. It had never mattered before, he'd never been asked what he truly wanted. And the alcohol definitely wasn't helping him figure it out. It clouded his mind, made him feel dizzy.

Niragi soon forced himself to sit down, the constant back and forth of his pacing, paired with the amount of liquor he'd consumed, made him feel lightheaded, nauseated.

He sank onto the edge of the couch and buried his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees. Maybe he just needed to sleep, purge the alcohol from his system. Maybe things would be clearer in the morning.

Pathetic. That's what you are. Niragi grimaced at the obtrusive thought. But it was the truth.

Chishiya had been right about him, about his loneliness, his demons. All his life he'd been so desperate to find someone like him, someone that might understand. Someone that might listen without judgement, accept him and his flaws. Someone that might finally stand up for him, care about him.

And when he'd finally found someone who did understand his chaotic mind, he'd recoiled and lashed out, behaved like an ass. Because he just had to get himself drunk and give himself up to his darkness. He just had to be a weak ass coward, trying to hide his insecurities, his feelings, behind a mask of cruelty. He was a pathetic piece of shit.

Perhaps his soul was too far gone, lost amongst a world of rage, fear and self-loathing. And Chishiya had likely realised it tonight.

In the end, am I just alone? Of course he was, he'd always been alone. He'd been a fool to believe it could ever change, been a fool to even let himself hope for a single second.

Niragi couldn't stop his body from trembling, as the painful memories of his past, now unleashed, washed over him. He stood no chance of stopping them, as they all hit him at once. All the pain, grief, guilt, regret. And yet he still tried to fight it, to stop the overwhelming feelings of horror from wholly consuming him. One last barricade remained, protecting whatever humanity, hope and kindness he still possessed. His last defence.

Niragi emitted a heartrending sob, as the terrifying wave of memories tore that down too, and swallowed him whole.

A sharp knock woke him from his troubled sleep. His eyes flew open and for a moment he couldn't remember where he was.

Niragi sat up slowly and scanned his surroundings in the dim light of the sun, shining through the window. He was in his room, at the beach, in the Borderlands. He remembered now. Remembered everything. Remembered last night.

He groaned, as he attempted to rub the sleep from his eyes, his head throbbing from his excessive alcohol consumption last night. He hadn't expected to fall asleep at all, but his body must have given in at some point, with the exhaustion and the alcohol weighing on him.

Another knock rang at his door. Niragi reluctantly peeled himself from the couch and made his way to the door on wobbly legs.

He stopped dead in front of the small coffee table and glared at it in utter confusion. He could have sworn he hadn't put his rifle there last night, he'd completely forgotten about it and left it in the hallway, leaning against the wall beside his door. He was sure of it. Someone had been in his room, while he was asleep.

"Niragi? Are you awake?"

Niragi kicked himself into gear and opened the door grumbling, "the fuck do you want, it's dawn! I'm not on patrol in the mornings!"

Chishiya stood in front of him, glancing up with one raised eyebrow. "Actually it's dusk, you've been sleeping all day."

"Okay. And you're here because..?" Niragi asked impatiently.

"It's another game night." Chishiya replied.

Niragi simply frowned at him. Why was he here? What did he care? He'd made his intentions clear enough last night. Why on earth would Chishiya give a fuck if Niragi missed a game tonight, his visa wasn't due to expire for another fourteen days anyway. He didn't need to attend any games in the next fortnight. Unless Hatter ordered it.

Then again, Hatter wasn't his boss, general Aguni was. Niragi could always refuse to attend a game he didn't want to play and fear no consequences. Or at least that's what he told himself. Hatter could always order Aguni, to order Niragi, to attend. And refusing him would certainly end with a bullet through his skull.

Chishiya released a short breath. "Last night threw you off that much huh?" His voice was soft, full of understanding.

"Fuck." Niragi leaned his head against the doorframe before glaring back down at Chishiya. "How do you do that? How do you see everything?"

Chishiya shrugged one shoulder. "I thought we'd already established that. We have much in common."

Niragi studied him for a moment. Some tiny part of him flickered to life, so slight he barely noticed it. But it was there, he felt it. His heart skipped a beat with realisation. Maybe he hadn't lost all of his humanity last night, hadn't given up just yet. Maybe he still had a chance to be understood, accepted. The memory of last nights events now forced themselves to the centre of his awareness. Niragi almost couldn't believe what he felt, hadn't thought that after last night he'd ever feel this way again. Beneath the guilt and regret lay hidden a tiny spec of hope. Just enough to convince Niragi to utter his next words.

"About last night, I …" Niragi began.

"I know." Chishiya calmly intervened. "I'm sorry too."

Niragi's frown deepened. "What could you possibly be sorry for?"

Chishiya regarded him for a moment before he spoke. "For having caused you more pain. But I meant what I said. I'll be here when you've figured out what you want. Whatever that may be."

Niragi stared. "You're joking right? This is a joke. It has to be."

No one has ever apologised to me for the pain they've caused me.

Chishiya lightly shook his head. "I'm serious."

Niragi waited for him to continue but Chishiya made no move to add anything.

Finally Niragi sighed. "I don't even know where to start."

Chishiya thought for a moment. "Well. Here is my proposal. Let's start with drinks on the roof after the games tonight. We can talk about anything we like, free of judgement."

Niragi contemplated it for a moment before he nodded once. "Okay. But… why?"

"Because I think something has changed. I have changed. And I think it is time for me to right some wrongs."

"By helping me? Do I look like a charity case to you?"

Does he seriously want to help me? Can I even trust him?

Chishiya huffed a quick laugh. "Do you really want me to answer that?" His gaze shifted to Niragi's messy hair, the ruffled clothes, the rings under his eyes.

"Point taken," he grumbled in annoyance. "I'll be downstairs in ten."

Then he slammed the door shut in Chishiya's face and stalked to the bathroom, almost convinced this was just a dream. No way in hell would Chishiya ever want to help him, no one had ever wanted to help him.

Only when the ice cold water of the shower hit him, was he certain.

Nope, it's not a dream alright.