Let's Wait Awhile
Love recognises no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, will penetrate walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.
"Just take it" Sam stood holding the package in front of Mercy, frustrated at her attitude towards his ask.
"I will" she grabbed the package off him "When I'm ready"
"Babe"
"When I'm ready" she snapped walking out of their bedroom and through to the kitchen, gripping onto the sink to calm herself down.
It wasn't to say she was totally averse to the idea of a family, but it was something she'd thought would come about way in their future, after careful planning and preparation. What he was trying to make her believe right now was that her perfect little tapestry of their lives together, was going to be smashed by an accident. She couldn't tell him that in her head she was dreading the test would prove positive, and that she didn't know whether she'd want to go with the flow or opt out.
Maybe she'd spent too much time listening to stories, and living other people's experiences, most of her friends already had families and for the most part she could admit that at times she'd felt a tinge of jealously, but nowhere enough to wish this on herself. In her perfect world she'd expected them to have had a conversation, agreed timing, and made some sort of promise that a family in the future was on the cards. She never expected to be playing those cards now, without any of that taking place, this was throwing her off guard.
If things didn't have a place, something was bound to go wrong, she gripped hold of the sink to steady herself at the thought of living the life that Adriana and Daryl had found themselves in.
Reece was a beautiful, loving, playfully happy little boy, but she remembered the situation eight years ago, when his parents found out he was down syndrome, it was too late to do anything but prepare, so they all jumped in. The support was there from day one, but there were some dark days, days they didn't want to arrive and those they'd wished would hurry past, it was a hard road for them, for everyone, and it was a hard road to watch their friends walk through.
There were six of them plus their families to give support to Adriana and Daryl, yet they went to bed exhausted, emotionally and physically, every day for the first year of Reece's life. Admittedly it got easier but right now she was unsure that she'd be willing to put all that energy and love into a person, was she being mean in thinking that?
"What's holding you back?" Sam came up behind her asking "Why are you so scared?" he wrapped his arms around her
"We haven't talked about this, not properly" she rested her head on his chest with a sigh "I still have so much I want to do" she turned to look at him "You're away every other week, it's..."
"If we let it, our work life will control our entire existence" he pushed her hair back off her face smiling "It's not like it's going to be as intense as the year we had with Reece"
"I was just thinking about him, how hard it was for Adriana and Daryl"
"But with everyone's help they got through it, enough to have Amy two years later, and she's a beautiful baby too" he smiled "Just like we'll have" he lifted her chin to kiss her lips "Just do the test"
"I'm not ready" she snapped pulling away from him to face the sink again.
"You might feel different once we know"
"Sam" she moaned rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
"Okay" he held his hands up "I'll leave it alone for now" he kissed her cheek and walked away, because if she was pregnant, he didn't want her upset.
She knew something was going on, she'd been touring for two weeks, prior to this break, and as usual after the last performance the whole troop had been celebrating at a restaurant downtown, she'd ordered her usual martini on the rocks with olives, she was gasping for something to numb the hype, she needed to relax.
"Shot in one" Mike; one of the dancers ordered as the drinks arrived at the table "It's your first in two weeks, do it justice" he laughed, holding his glass up for Mercy to take the challenge
She was up for it, she only ever drunk things that were good for her voice when she was on tour so now, she was ready to spin out, before the flight home tomorrow "Here goes" she grabbed a glass "To the end of another successful tour" she held it up as everyone echoed the toast. As she took a well needed sip, she frowned at the fact that it tasted nothing like her usual drink "Excuse me" she called after the person that had delivered the drinks "We asked for martini"
"That is martini madam" the person smiled
"It is" Mike confirmed
She took another, shorter sip unhappy for tasting the same bitter taste as the sip before "Are you sure?"
"Positive" Mike confirmed taking another sip "You must be coming down with something"
"Not at all surprised" Tina one of her backing singers grabbed her glass "I'll drink it for you" she gulped it down before Mercy had the chance to respond. She sat for the rest of the evening sipping on lime or tomato juice finding both very refreshing.
The next morning, she was feeling rough around the edges, and although being pregnant jumped to her mind, she knew they were always careful and right now that was the furthest thing from their minds, so she brushed it aside. They were still struggling artists, they were getting regular gigs, Sam had a little teaching thing going on when he could, learning people to pay the guitar, but they had no money saved, and except for a small loan not a care in the world. That afternoon she got home and never said a word, but who was she kidding thinking he wasn't going to notice, it had taken him two days to work out with how she was feeling.
"Sam" she followed him into the living room, guilty for the way she'd been fanning him off, he'd got a performance on Saturday, and this was the last thing he needed to be thinking about right now, this was happening for them after all
"I'm not about to argue with you" he held his hand up and grabbed his phone at the same time
"I don't want to argue" her voice quiet and patient "I want to say sorry for freezing you out" his head jerked back at the apology "I know how you feel about this, I'm just not sure about my feelings, and I don't want to do anything until I'm sure"
"And I don't want you to" he stepped towards her "Remember your friend Denise?" he smiled
"Yeah" she smiled at the thought
"Accidental pregnancy, the woman panicked for nearly a week, more interested in her damn job than anything else remember?"
"Yeah" she smiled as she sat on the couch "That girl cried for nearly three hours, before she came up for air"
"It wasn't in her plans to have a baby, was it?"
"Especially not on her own" Mercy frowned "But I can't lie, she's one of the best mother's I've ever known, you can't separate her from Denver, sure she turned it around"
"We could talk about all our friends the whole night and I'd still be hard pressed to find a bad story about starting a family"
"This isn't about them starting a family, it's about us"
"I know it's about us" he sat next to her "And I know we haven't had many conversations about this, but if it's a possibility then we need to at least find out, then at least we'll know where we stand" he grabbed her hand "Look babe, I can't deny I'm pumped about this if it's happening, but I'm also shit scared, I've got no answers either"
"All the same" she looked into his eyes "Let's wait a while, please?"
"End of the week" he kissed her nose and got up "I've got to get to the studio"
"End of the week" she smiled
Her smile quickly turned into a frown as she sat remembering the exact day things went south, he was leaving for a gig in Florida about a month ago, it was only a weekend thing, but it had fallen on the weekend of their seventh wedding anniversary. It wasn't an argument as such, but there was some frustration there about not having time together, prioritising their relationship, frustration led to emotion which in turn led to sex almost at the doorway. They weren't prepared and at the time it really didn't matter, it was a heated moment that was over in minutes, and now it seems was turning out to be one of the biggest moments of their lives.
Deep in her heart she knew there was no need for a test, through being there for their friends she'd read all the books, listened to all the talk about signs, and now she was feeling some of them. She was due for a period this weekend in all honesty, but now she was getting cramps and that wasn't something that was usual for her, if anything she was the opposite to most women, she'd became happy, horny Mercy
If she'd have been honest with him today, she'd have told him that in every sinario she'd ever imagined about them having a family they'd be excited about the conception, the test results, the check-ups, birth, all of it. But if she'd have told him that, how would she have explained, all she was displaying right now was worried, confusion, and horror, at the prospect of becoming a parent. She sat watching him leave the apartment hoping she'd have gotten excited about this by the time he returned home, she needed to be excited for him.
The door closed behind him, and a sudden sadness came over her as she thought about Sara and Leslie, they'd planned and tried for over a year to have a family. Then just as they thought something was happening for them the bombshell hit, Sara was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, they went into hibernation, blaming themselves for their high expectations. Sara was in a depression and refused to see anyone, but when they finally hooked up with them again, they'd been through weeks of torment, watching for blood every single time she went to the bathroom, crying with relief when it didn't happen, the slightest twinge would cause major panic, they thought they might be losing a child.
But then through all that and with the odds stacked against them, as they started to focus more on their lives together and less on the things they couldn't have, their miracle happened. Joeseph is nearly five years old now, the apple of their eye, and with everything they went through to get him, even they are not closed off to adding another extension to their family.
"Sam" she jumped up to follow him out the door "Babe" she smiled as he turned to look at her "I forgot something" she walked up to him and pulled him to her "Have a great day, and don't worry" she kissed his lips "I love you the most" she looked into his eyes smiling
"No" he dropped his guitar and grabbed hold of her "I love you the most" he pulled her in and kissed her back "And pregnant or not, everything is going to be fine"
"Promise?"
"Promise" he assured her, kissing her again "I'll see you tonight" he smiled pecking her lips again before he let her go.
He got in the car and smiled, remembering the advice his mom had told him to take with Mercy when it came to conception, he'd always thought she was overthinking, but the way he was feeling right now, shit was about to get real for him, maybe mom knew best after all
Last night the sex had been different, she felt different, something was there, just there, swollen, it took a while for him to work it out, but this morning he woke up with his mom's voice in his ear and he knew, she was pregnant. She was already in the bathroom when he'd opened his eyes and all he could think was 'I'm going to be a dad, fuck, me, a dad' he wiped away the beads of sweat on his forehead, not bothered if they were from sleep, or the realisation of the situation he'd just found himself in.
He was happy, maybe too happy, because now he knew he'd approached the whole situation in the wrong way, as his mother had predicted over nine years ago, Mercy was running for the hills to avoid this unplanned change. He sat in the car thinking over his approach, wondering when he himself had become ready for this massive change in their lives. "How the hell is everything going to be fine, why the hell did I say that?" he banged the steering wheel asking himself.
There was only one person he needed to speak to right now, he turned on the engine to connect his phone and gave the instruction "Dad" he smiled at his old man picking up on the second ring.
"What's up?"
"I think she's pregnant and I've gone about it all the wrong way, just like mom predicted, I need to know what I need to do"
"Hold up" he could hear his dad shuffling about, obviously getting up "You think our girl's pregnant?"
"Yeah, it just felt..."
"I don't need detail son" he laughed "So, you didn't wait for her to process and tell you?"
"No"
"So, even if your intention isn't to pressure, which I'm sure it's not, she'll feel pressured into doing what you want, which I'm assuming is have the baby, if there is one?"
"Shit" Sam hissed "I think my anxiety crept in and took over; I feel so damn selfish"
"You've got feelings to work through too son, that's natural" he waited a minute "So what happened, what did she say?"
"I gave her the test and asked her to take it, just so we'd know what we were dealing with, and she said let's wait a while, now I've given her until Sunday"
"Son, two days?" his dad's voice full of disappointment "Classic trap, you know you've got to take that back"
"Yeah" he frowned "As soon as I get in"
"At her pace, just don't mention it again after tonight, let her come to you"
"Okay" he laughed "I can just hear mom saying, she's the one doing all the work"
"She is" his dad laughed "And you're the one that's going to suffer for it, you better make a best friend of Jesus, you'll be calling on him a lot" he laughed harder
"She came to me this morning told me about this, mom I mean"
"She tells me all sort so stuff too" his dad laughed
"So, she hasn't found you a new wife yet?"
"It's only been four years son, and I don't need a wife, I keep telling you two that"
"Everyone needs someone dad"
"I need your mom and she's not here so; I'll wait until we meet again"
"Knowing mom that might be best"
"It's called listening son, I heard her when she said she'd haunt me till the day I die if I put anyone in her place, she tried to make me think she was joking but... hey, anyway have a good day"
"Thanks, you too" he smiled cutting the call as he drove along remembering when Katie; Daniel's wife, was pregnant.
Daniel had turned to church, he used to go with him sometimes, Daniel's wife was enough to make any man turn to God, she was so in your face at the best of times. Mercy had attitude, but it was very rare she showed it to him, Katie on the other hand had no off button, Daniel prayed everywhere for every occasion, listened to praise and worship music on repeat, attended bible classes and went to church twice on a Sunday.
He forever needed spiritual, emotional, or mental support in the hope that God would give him the right tools to be who he needed to be for his wife to pleasantly bring their child into the world.
Sam found himself trying to remember those cardinal rules Daniel always talked about, he could remember being there, engaging in classes, appointments, acknowledging changes lovingly, being positive, listening, but he couldn't find any more, although in his head he knew Daniel called them the ten practical commandments.
"Listen" he laughed at failing at the first hurdle
By the time he got into work his focus had changed, he was dedicated to his music classes, they were doing their final performance on Saturday, and they needed to be perfect to win.
He come to the conclusion that there was no such thing as the perfect father, of course he knew his wife, how she felt, looked, smelt, when she needed him, when she didn't, but he was fucked if he thought he ever got into her head, if he couldn't figure her out on a daily basis, how the hell was he supposed to figure her out pregnant
"She hasn't tested yet" he shook his head "Rushing ahead again"
The day was taken over by his class, they didn't have much spare time, Sam was due to go away for a week straight on Tuesday, so there was no room for error. It was nice taking a class where everyone was invested, it made everything seem worthwhile, but soon it was time to go back home, where he had some apologising to do.
He pulled up to the apartment to find all the lights on, that wasn't unusual, she didn't like dark corners, he opened the door and shouted his usual "I'm home" waiting for her head to pop through one of the doors "Babe?" he called when she didn't appear "Mercy?" his voice more urgent as he threw his bag down and started opening doors "Mercy?" he called as he entered the living room "Babe" he opened the bedroom door, alarm in his voice at seeing her laying on their bed "Babe" he touched her as he got closer "Fuck" he gasped relieved when her head shot up
"What's up?" she asked stretching
"I didn't know what to think when you didn't answer me"
"Sorry" she sat up "I just got so tired; I don't know when I fell asleep"
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, what's up?"
"First off I want to apologise for pressuring you, it wasn't what I meant to do, we need this to totally be your decision before it's mine, I promise to back off and let you do things at your own pace" he huffed "I got it out" he smiled
"I literally cried myself to sleep" she laughed"
"Sorry" his puppy eyes frowned at her
"Not because of you" she tapped his chest "Never because of you" she looked into his eyes "I did that thing didn't I" she looked across the room "I googled"
"And"
"Well at first it was all the fun stuff you know, telling our friends, attending appointments, first scans, loving on the baby bump, hugs, kisses" she frowned "Then the worm turned and there were stories about the anxiety of waiting for first scans, and then I find out I'm not promised the all glossy and glowing look like those moms-to-be in the magazines
"We know all that shit isn't real babe"
"I know" she whined "I just wanted to believe the one about being pregnant and beautiful" she sulked "How was your day?"
"Good, I think they're ready"
"Of course, they're ready, they have the best tutor in the world" she kissed him "Hey"
"Hey, you" his kiss pushing her back on the bed
"You do know if this turns out to be positive, with our schedules we'll end up like Craig and Ashantii?" she smiled when he let her up for air
"Coparenting?" he frowned "No way, plus we didn't just have a one-night stand"
Ashantii had just left a rather challenging relationship, she was nearing forty and the guy she'd given the last eight years of her life to suddenly announced they didn't want the same things and walked away, selling the house they'd lived in together and moving to another city. She was heartbroken, devastated, she'd wasted the best part of her life waiting for a happy ever after with a guy that turned out to be not the one.
We took her out one night in the hope of getting her out of her funk and was happy for her when she hooked up with a guy and got all that over and done with. Unfortunately, two months later she came to tell us she was pregnant, then battled with whether to tell the guy or not, she knew she was going to keep the child, that was a dream of hers from wasted years, but with a stranger, she'd never factored that in.
Robert turned out to be the guy we didn't think he was, she called him of course to let him know and he was over the moon, flew over for the first appointment, and when she started to struggle, he came back and shipped her over to Kansas. Ashantii was able to stop working when she needed to and to be honest it's been six years now and although they've both started and stopped other relationships, their focus is on little Laiba, she's the apple of their eye.
"Before that happens, I'll slow down, a lot" he told her
"I'd stop for a while, if we're going to do this" she frowned "Which would mean you stepping up a bit, not slowing down"
"I can do more classes, that keeps me local"
"It's a plan" she smiled
"I'm willing to do whatever it is I need to do if this is happening for us, jump hurdles, scale fences, knock down walls, whatever" he kissed her "Our family's worth it"
"I'm glad you think that" she grabbed his face with both hands
"At your pace" he reminded her
"How about at our pace?" she reached for the test on the cabinet at the side of the bed "Let's do this"
"You sure?"
"We need to know" she pulled herself off the bed
"Okay" he smiled "The conception might have lasted a couple of minutes, but the reveal" he walked over to the pod "Has to be memorable" he laughed as 'If This World Were Mine' by Luther Vandross & Cheryl Lynn came through the speaker "Dance?" he held his hand out for her
"Confession" she grabbed his hand and looked at him sheepishly "I've been having a load of symptoms; so, we definitely need to make changes" they moved in circles in their bedroom
"Symptoms like?" he stopped dancing
"I can't drink martini anymore, makes me feel sick, sweating, and last night I must have gone to the bathroom a thousand times" she undone the packaging
"I didn't feel you move" he smiled at seeing the stick
"I did, a lot" she giggled walking off towards the bathroom
He sat on the side of the bath watching while she did what she needed to do, reading the instructions on the box, while holding his breath, and trying to appear calm. The deed was soon over, he pulled her up and carried on dancing in the bathroom while they waited for the results "Couple of minutes?" he couldn't take the wait anymore "Surely that's long enough?"
"Not quite" she looked up at the bathroom clock "Promise we'll talk about this as soon as you get back next week?"
"I can't promise that" he shook his head
"When then?"
...Oh, every sky would be blue as long as you're loving me baby, oh-oh-oh
When I'm here in my arms, life is so wonderful my love, oh-oh-oh
Give me pretty loving, baby, give me pretty loving, honey, keep on loving me, baby, oh-oh-oh
You know I need you, honey, you know I need you, baby, keep on loving me
Lovin' me the way, (the way) you do (you do), my love...
"Surely it's time now?" he broke the silence again to ask
"I'm sure patience is one of those practical commandments Danile and Katie lived by" she grinned at him, while she picked the stick up "What does it say?" she handed it to him
"Just so we're clear mommy" he grinned "There'll be only one commandment for the next what, eight months" he showed her the stick "Listen to daddy" his grin widened at water filling his eyes "Be honest, how do you feel about this?"
"I've had a few days for it to sink in" she smiled "And I actually fell in love with our baby today" a tear rolled down her face "I love her already"
"Her?" he frowned "Surely this is he?" he touched her tummy
"They" the two of them looked at each other smiling, kissing as the song finished
"Come on let's get you something to eat, I bet you've starved all day waiting for me to come back" he pulled her with him
"That's something else" she looked up at him "I'm eating for two, I think we might need to get something delivered, I ate our dinner for lunch"
"That's why you were sleeping" he laughed as they made their way to the kitchen, there was food to be eaten and decisions to be made