Hi! I was going to come back with a chapter of over 12,000 words, but I thought that might be too much at once. The rest next week! I should be back to a decent publishing rhythm.
"You will be loved the day you can show your weakness, without the other using it to assert his strength."
Cesare Pavese
The Gryffindor common room had quickly turned into a crisis management center. Terrified of the repercussions their involvement in the battle might have, the majority of the wounded had chosen to retreat there. Students lay in every corner, invading sofas and armchairs, chairs and carpets, while their classmates struggled to help them. One young boy kept spitting soap bubbles as soon as he tried to speak, while a girl, covered head to toe in hives, rubbed herself hysterically against the stone ledge of the fireplace to relieve her discomfort. Near her, another student, lying on the floor with his arm slashed up to the shoulder, was trying as best he could to treat his wound himself.
The improvised mediwizards were struggling to deal with the situation. Some were not even from their own house. Two Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff, who must also have been caught up in the crowd, were bustling about among the wounded, assisting as best they could.
In the midst of the chaos, Sirius managed to make his way to the last piece of sofa still available. Once again, Remus couldn't help thinking that all this was partly his fault. His jaws tightened at the thought, his tongue pressing against his palate, seeking to soothe the anguish by searching every nook and cranny of his mouth until a strange sensation stopped him. Something seemed to be stuck between his back teeth. To his surprise, he pulled out a strand of black wool. Like the one that made up his cape. Like the one that made up Sirius', whose shoulder hole rubbed against the back of his neck, his shirt still damp underneath...
Had he...
Fear invaded him, so voracious that it swallowed his every movement, keeping his neck tense, his fingers clenched on the thread. Shame, too, silently consumed him, spiraling ever deeper into his chest, carried away by its own weight.
He'd done it. He had dared.
He had attacked Sirius.
And he had no memory of it.
Remus dropped onto the sofa, his body rigid. All his senses were now on the alert, anxiously watching for his next rampage. What had he done? When would he do it again? He let the questions run down his temples, suddenly sweating, his gaze still riveted on the strand. The distress that occupied him resounded all the way down to his bones, dissolving there into a horrible disgust.
"Remus," Sirius asked, leaning towards him, "what are you..."
Sirius' large hand enveloped his, and he in turn gazed at the scrap of wool. Despite the commotion around them, Remus heard his heart leap into his chest. He was in no state to defend himself other than by remaining motionless and silent. He couldn't see Sirius, but he could feel his breath on his forehead. What he dreaded most was hearing him speak again. A word from him, in this situation where Remus felt so fragile, would surely shatter him like glass.
"Remus," Sirius's voice suddenly rang out, and the other Gryffindor thought he was going to die. "I promise you, I swear even, none of this is your fault. Bellatrix started it all. She had it coming. I'll tell you all about it on the way to the infirmary. It's best not to discuss this here. We'll just wait a bit, let things calm down, and then we'll leave, okay?" he offered, obviously trying to delay the conversation.
Remus' arms remained stretched over his knees, refusing to touch his own body, which he hated at this very moment, not forgiving what he had put his best friend through. Pale as death, he tried to formulate a response, but only succeeded in stammering incomprehensible sentences, throwing long silences between each one.
"I'm sorry, but I don't understand a word you're saying..." said Sirius. "But, don't worry about Bellatrix. She got what she deserved."
Still refusing to meet his gaze, Remus slowly shook his head. "I did this to you..." he finally managed to articulate as he pointed with his trembling chin at Sirius' shoulder.
Sirius flinched at his statement. He reflexively hid the hole in his cloak, unwittingly confirming his words, and the shame became so overwhelming that Remus felt the air whistle its way out of his lungs. The beginning of a long sob that took all his breath. His eyes shone so brightly under the tears that they felt like two glass beads.
"No, no, no! Don't cry!" shouted Sirius as he threw himself on top of him. He hugged him, hurting in his haste, his long curly hair sticking to his damp cheeks. "I already told you, it wasn't your fault! I don't blame you! Besides, I didn't feel a thing! You just ruined my cape! I might not even have realized it!" he added in a tone that was meant to be detached, falsely positive, and Remus' cries redoubled in strength.
He had hurt Sirius.
The front door of the Gryffindor Common Room creaked abruptly on its hinges and slammed against the wall, revealing Peter' round figure. His head covered in soot - probably from the explosions caused by the fireworks - and a look of panic on his face, he shouted in a shrill voice: "MCGONAGALL IS COMING! HIDE THE WOUNDED!"
His scream echoed around the room, causing a surge of panic among the already freaked-out Gryffindors. Everyone jumped to their feet in a single movement, causing the floor to shake. Those who already knew the Levitation spell hurried to bewitch the most seriously injured and carry them to the dormitories, leaving the others to accompany those still able to walk.
Sirius also got to his feet. Taking advantage of the tumult to change the subject, he grabbed Remus's shoulders and pulled him towards him, forcing him to stand. "Come on, we'll hide in the dormitory! We'll come out afterwards!"
"Sirius, I..." began Remus. His whole body was shaking, his face streaming with tears, his cold hands sticky with sweat. It felt as if his blood was pushing toward his head to stun him, still bubbling under the shock of the revelation. He had attacked Sirius. Maybe he'd done even worse. What if he'd managed to bite someone to death? What would become of that person? He didn't wish his fate on anyone, not even Bellatrix.
He remembered the bruise on her thigh. It was his doing, too. Had he managed to bite her somewhere else? He couldn't remember, and he found that even more terrifying than the act itself.
A danger. He was becoming a danger. For himself and for others.
"MCGONAGALL IS IN THE STAIRS!" a Gryffindor suddenly shouted. "HURRY UP!"
"Remus," Sirius said with urgency, taking Remus's head between his hands, his broad thumbs wiping his skin.
Remus wavered under his gesture. Sirius's tactile side had never made their exchanges any easier. Why did the slightest touch between them have to trigger such a reaction in him? Every touch bit into his flesh, bringing an inexorable horror to the corners of his lips.
"Remus," Sirius repeated, "listen to me. I know all this is really upsetting you, and that's normal, but we've got to get out of here. We've gotta go and hide in the dormitories, okay? Afterwards, we'll discuss all this at length, for hours if you like. But right now, we've got to hide. Do you understand?"
"Holy shit, you're here!" suddenly shouted James, who was struggling to pull Edward Borton, a seventh year twice his size, from the couch he'd collapsed onto, along with some other comrades. The poor boy had been partially transformed into a goat, his tiny hooves no longer able to support his weight while two large horns had sprouted from his forehead. "I've been looking everywhere for you! Help us hide him under the covers, we'll never get him upstairs!"
Sirius cursed. After briefly analyzing the situation, he turned his attention back to Remus, who was still sobbing between his hands. "You're going to follow me, okay? We're going to help James, and then we're going up to the dormitory. Can you do that for me?"
Remus swallowed before nodding. Once again, Sirius was showing a kindness, a tenderness that Remus didn't deserve. He was too ashamed of himself; he hated himself too much. For the lack of control he had over his body and mind. For the battle he'd provoked in the great hall. For the bruise on Bellatrix's thigh. For the hole in Sirius's cloak.
For the love he felt for him, so strong at this very moment. A love that was simultaneously betraying all the natural laws and soiling years of friendship.
"A-All right..." he hiccupped.
Giving him one last look, Sirius let go of Remus to help the others wrap the big Borton in blankets, then tear the nearby lamp shade off in a panic. "Go ahead, we'll try to camouflage him!"
As he tried to conceal the large horned head protruding from the plaids, the common room door opened once more, this time revealing professor McGonagall.
The same shiver ran through the room and the effervescence that had prevailed just a few moments earlier suddenly vanished. A deathly hush fell over the place, as each student froze in place. Remus too became petrified, fighting back the sobs that threatened to burst from his chest. His face scarlet, his body motionless, his gaze was, like that of his classmates, fixed on their Headmistress. He felt as if he were playing a gigantic game of "Red light, Green light", except that the losers wouldn't be content to return to the starting point. What would happen to them instead? He dreaded finding out…
McGonagall said nothing. Scanning the room, she observed the students caught up in this sudden collective paralysis. All were trying, sadly in vain, to appear as innocent as possible, holding their breath in anticipation of the verdict.
Finally, her attention fell on Sirius who, still holding the lampshade in his hands, was about to crown Borton with it. The latter, at the sight of his teacher, uttered a brief bleat, which resounded throughout the room like a death knell.
"Mr. Black," she said at last, wearily, "we all know Mr. Borton isn't the brightest bulb. Putting a lampshade on him won't change a thing, unfortunately. Please put it back where it belongs."
"As for the others," she continued, addressing the rest of the room, "please take the wounded to the infirmary. Don't think you're out of trouble yet. We'll discuss all this tomorrow in the Great Hall, at breakfast."
"Oh shit," Edward Borton muttered through gritted teeth, "we're fucked..."
"Language, Monsieur Borton," replied McGonagall automatically, her hearing terrifyingly sharp. "Come on, hurry up. Leave the most seriously wounded to me, I'll escort them myself. Oh, and one last thing," she added as she rolled up her sleeves, ready to draw her wand to help her students, "Did Miss Lestrange indeed utter anti-Muggle insults to Miss Evans?"
A score of sheepish "yeses" answered her, and the woman nodded. "Well, thank you for that answer. Now, let's get to work."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
A full hour had passed before the last student was taken to the infirmary. The room was overflowing with improvised beds, McGonagall having transfigured every object within reach into bunks. The most serious cases, however, had been transferred without delay to Saint Mungo's. It was rumored that two Hufflepuffs, a Slytherin and a Gryffindor were in critical condition, but the school administration refused to give any further details.
Slytherin and Gryffindor had been meticulously distributed at opposite ends of the room, with a few Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff acting as a buffer between them. Fearing another outbreak of violence, the school had called in the house elves to secure the infirmary and assist Madam Pomfrey in her duties. Clearly, the little creatures took their mission very much to heart. Armed with huge wooden spoons and wearing saucepans as helmets, they patrolled the beds like a miniature militia, making sure that the most quarrelsome pupils didn't seize a moment of inattention to pounce on each other.
Completely overwhelmed by the situation, Madame Pomfrey was flailing about. She passed the Marauders at least three times before they managed to get her attention.
Cheeks flushed from her hellish run, she turned to them, her fists on her hips: "Yes? What's going on? I've already prepared Mister Lupin's bed, it's near the entrance. You can't miss it, it's the last one available!"
"That's not what we'd like to talk to you about..." said Sirius hesitantly.
Remus's stomach contracted painfully as the words left his lips. He knew, of course, the subject that was about to come up: his crazy outburst in the Great Hall. It was logical that they should discuss it. Vital, even. Yet the very idea of having this conversation made him nauseous. He didn't want it to happen now. Not like this.
He needed time, just a little time to unwind. To gather his courage and broach the subject himself with the nurse.
"I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get some fresh air before returning to the infirmary," he declared suddenly, pulling the rug out from under his friends. "I don't feel very well with all this fuss. I'd like to wait until the situation calms down a bit..."
The statement made Madam Pomfrey raise an eyebrow. Muttering something inaudible, she scanned Remus from head to toe, assessing his condition. "You seem to be doing better than usual to me," she finally said as she continued to detail him. " I mean, you're standing on your two feet..."
Remus restrained himself from telling her it was thanks to the dozen anti-fatigue sweets he'd stuffed himself with and which, incidentally, were still making his heart beat in his chest at a frantic pace. Unless it was Sirius's annoyed expression that was having that effect on him.
"Precisely, I'd like to enjoy it a little. Just ten minutes or so, until I get some fresh air..." he offered.
Madame Pomfrey hesitated a little longer, then, scowling, she turned to the rest of the gang. "You. Take him somewhere protected from the wind and look after him. If his condition deteriorates when he returns, you'll hear from me, I guarantee it!"
"We promise we'll bring him back in one piece," James answered simply, his hands in his pockets.
In reply, the nurse gave a grunt before pointing to the exit, and the little group promptly headed out.
"Do you need someone to help you walk?" asked Sirius to Remus as he went by his side.
Without waiting for his answer, he put his arm around his hips to hold him close, and Remus wasn't sure whether he blushed or paled at the gesture. He would have liked to meet Sirius' gaze, to bring into his own this feeling that possessed him and of which he could only feel the violence. He would have liked even more to be able to think of love naively, childishly, without fear or disgust. Like James with Lily. Like Peter when he tried to please the girls of their House. But it was impossible for him to project himself into his desires without feeling an uncontrollable shame.
He didn't struggle though. He gave in to the instinctive passivity that gripped him every time Sirius touched him, trotting alongside him, adjusting his pace to his own with the resignation of a dog following its master.
Luckily, Sirius didn't ask him about his sudden silence. Remus would have been incapable of revealing his secret. His self-loathing, if it hadn't been for a few ridiculous stammerings in which the word "abnormal" came up again and again.
A blade of cold fell on the back of his neck, interrupting his thoughts. They had reached the castle ramparts, overlooking the park plunged into night. The gibbous moon prowled stealthily behind the clouds. As he arrived, it crept through to stare at him with its evil eye. Remus froze at the sight, a powerful dizziness seizing him. He hated it. He loathed its pale light that faded his sight, its almost perfect roundness that made his blood ache. Its presence suddenly hurt, and he lowered his eyelids, almost appearing to sleep standing up.
"Those sons of bitches are going to pay for this!" spat James suddenly as he leaned against one of the battlements. "They can't come and mug us and get away with it! Especially with what Bellatrix said to Lily!"
Remus imitated him, standing with his back to the star, his nose pointed at his shoes. "It's my fault," he finally said, "I shouldn't have fought with Ferguson. I'm the one who drew them in."
"It's none of your fault!" hurried Sirius in reply. His long arm took advantage of Remus leaning against his side to hug him again, "First of all, Ferguson's a jerk, and he had it coming! Secondly, the situation with him was already settled when they showed up! They just came to mess things up! I'm beginning to think it's a good thing we made that deal with Peeves! We'll have to strike hard! They can't get over it!"
Remus was slow to react, too disturbed by this new embrace that made his heart choke in his chest. He felt that sly disgust for himself again, which he refrained from expressing for fear that the others might suspect something.
"Peeves?" he asked shakily, "What happened with Peeves? What are you talking about?"
There was a small silence, the other three Marauders pursing their lips, and Remus felt himself overcome by a deep bitterness. Apparently, something was going on and none of his friends had seen fit to let him know about it. Again...
"You'd better tell me what's going on," he hissed through gritted teeth, "Stop hiding things from me, I'm not made of glass. If we're in trouble, I need to know."
It was Peter who dared to speak first: "We made a deal with Peeves to ransack the Slytherin common room on the night of the match between them and our house..." he explained in a plaintive voice. "We didn't want to tell you because you already seemed to be at your wits' end, and we were afraid the whole thing would stress you out even more..."
The announcement left Remus with his mouth wide open, suddenly at a loss for words. He couldn't believe it. They had just lived through an event of great violence within Hogwarts itself. A fight in which they'd all been involved, and which risked having enormous repercussions on their schooling, and they were already talking about another stupid prank? It couldn't be! They'd all landed on their heads during the fight!
"You've done what?" he finally asked, roaring, completely hallucinated. No, this was too much, he was going to turn a blind eye if this continued! It couldn't be! His friends couldn't be that stupid!
"No, but, it's not what you think," Peter resumed, "We had to do it because Peeves-"
"But I don't care if you have to!" cut in Remus. He turned to Sirius and James, who were watching him in silence, their necks tucked into their shoulders, dreading his words. "I don't know what this story is anymore, but it's absolutely out of the question, do you hear me, out of the question, for you to do anything in the Slytherin common room, is that clear? Damn, I thought I'd flipped out today, but you're even worse than me!"
Sirius made a puppy-dog pout at his statement. Letting go of him, he crossed his arms over his chest, fidgeting from one foot to the other in the manner of a child caught in the act, all ashamed to be yelled at. "It's just that..." he finally said, "It was that or I'd get expelled..."
"Peeves saw Sirius knock out Rusard," James interjected dryly as he lifted himself off the ledge to come and face Remus, "Remember? The night you went berserk and dragged Severus all over the corridors after attacking him. Sirius had to intervene. The bastard's been blackmailing us ever since."
He had said this with such anger that Remus felt his own temper deflate. Peter let out a shocked "James". Even Sirius took offense, pushing Remus behind him before gesturing to James to give them some space.
"Hey, back off and keep your voice down. No need to get yourself in such a state. It wasn't his fault. I'm the one who got us all in trouble with my failed potion and my mutt face..."
Clearly, Remus wasn't up to date on many subjects. Why was James so angry with him? Okay, he'd screwed up with Severus. He knew it, and he blamed himself enough as it was. But why was James reacting as if it were a personal matter? Seeing him so wound up made Remus feel completely lousy.
"Sorry," he murmured.
Sirius' feet spun towards James with such speed that his soles screeched against the stone. It was impossible for Remus to see his expression, the tall Gryffindor's turning his back on him, but the latter must have been worth the detour, for James quickly changed his demeanor.
"It's me who should be apologizing. I got carried away. I shouldn't have." He sighed before thrusting a hand into his trouser pocket, rummaging through it to pull out a velvet purse. He dug at it to calm himself as he began to pace back and forth along the ramparts, just as he usually did when he was thinking.
Sirius let out a grunt, which Remus soothed with a pat on the arm, preferring to move on. It was late and he was exhausted. He had no desire to argue. "So, now we have to ransack the Slytherin common room or he'll rat us out, is that it?" he muttered wearily, massaging his temples. "And why exactly does he want us to do that?"
"He wants revenge on the Bloody Baron," Peter explained, "From what we understand, he's planning to have his birthday party on the night of the match, as he's convinced the Slytherins will win and it'll make for a double celebration. He hasn't invited Peeves and the idiot's pissed... That said, he hasn't asked us to wipe it off the map. We just have to spoil the evening..." Perched on his parapet, his face grimacing, he looked like a big gargoyle. Remus suspected that he was telling him all this in the hope that he would fix the situation. That he would, as usual, find a workable compromise. After all, it was often he who tempered the rest of the group. He was the most reasoned of the three, well, normally... Right now, he felt capable of nothing. The chain of events had struck him dumb.
"Yeah," James resumed, "We just need their party to be a mess…It's got to be wild!" He paused in his tracks, his eyes suddenly wide, as if he'd just had a revelation. "That's it... Fuck, that's it! It's got to be wild! Oh fuck, I've just had an idea! We're going to turn their common room into a jungle! We grow trees and plants everywhere, turn the dressers into wildebeests or whatever, and it'll scare the shit out of them while still being repairable. The best would be to force them to remove all the plants by hand to fuck with them..."
"I can ask Calvin for some tips! He knows about plants!" chimed in Sirius, as was his usual when James proposed a new prank, "Plus, he has access to the botanical reserves! I'm sure he'd be willing to help. He and his friends got demolished by Rabastan!"
"Great idea!" replied James, "And we'd have to find a spell to turn all the furniture into animals! I want at least one randomly charging hippopotamus wardrobe!"
"We'll surely find something like that in the library!" Sirius continued, placing his hand on Remus' shoulder, as if trying to reassure him that it would be an easy job, "We'll just have to discreetly enter the common room during the game to cast some seeds and a few spells!"
He forced a smile that Remus's mortified expression wiped out in a second. The anguish that had just gripped him at the prospect of this suicide mission - because it was a suicide mission, Remus was sure of it - had wiped out the last effects of the anti-fatigue candies. The only urge he had left was to curl up into a ball and cry.
"And how are we going to get into the common room?" he asked reluctantly. " And , even if we do manage to get in, how are we going to keep from being spotted?"
"The majority of the Slytherins will go to the match," James declared as he continued pacing, "Especially if we provoke them. Knowing the captain of our team, he's not going to be able to resist opening his big mouth to round up as many people as possible."
"There'll still be students," Remus insisted, "It could be dangerous. And I'm not even talking about getting spotted. If we hurt one of them, we'll all get kicked out..."
Kicked out. The equivalent of the end of the world for Remus. No other school would accept him because of lycanthropy... And, if he wasn't loaded with degrees and absolutely indispensable in his future field, nobody would want him...
James pretended not to hear him, letting his argument linger: "I'll use my cloak to spy on them and find out their passwords. We'll also use it on D-Day to avoid the students staying in the common room. Sirius is too big for it to cover him completely, so it will be up to you or Peter to get into the hall while he keeps watch."
Peter straightened up at these words as if lightning had struck him. His large, clear eyes sought Remus's attention, and the latter responded with an irritated smile. Of course, James wasn't at the forefront of his Machiavellian plan. They could have guessed.
"And why not you? You're the smallest and the fastest!" said Peter. The poor guy wasn't even in action yet, but he was already sweating profusely. Remus wondered if he wasn't the one who was going to end up in the infirmary tonight.
"I'm on the Quidditch team, Peter," James reminded him, rolling his eyes, "If there's a match, that means I'm on the pitch!"
This time Remus chuckled, continuing to smile while nodding vaguely. The reaction wasn't lost on James, who gave him a sidelong glance, readjusting his glasses on the tip of his nose. "Problem?"
"Oh, no, no..." Remus chuckled, throwing his hands up in the air,"It's just that you're really good at coming up with shitty ideas when you're not directly involved." Maybe they were going to argue after all.
Remus had never dared speak so vulgarly to James, but the situation was such that he couldn't hold back any longer. The evening had already been an academic and social suicide, and James was about to give him the final blow.
The latter recoiled, as if Remus had spat at him. "I beg your pardon?"
"Guys..." sighed Sirius, already ready to stand between the two again, "Don't start again…"
Peter too descended from his perch to join them, obviously desirous of calming tensions. "And why don't we ask Snape to come and help us?" he tried, "I know you're against it, James, but, after all, he already knows the password, is better at spells than we are, and is as involved in the-"
"There's no way we're bringing Severus into this!" interrupted James." He's been through too much already! I won't have him involved in this!"
Remus almost fell backwards, his hand reflexively clutching the wall. "Ah, because I haven't suffered enough? Don't you think I'm in enough pain as it is? You want to add another layer? Wait... You're angry with me because I got Severus into trouble? Since when do you care about his well-being? What's going on here? Are you jealous because, normally, causing him harm is your specialty? Don't forget, the only reason he's in the infirmary is because you knocked him off the fucking railing!"
James recoiled in response. He looked to Sirius and Peter for support, but both seemed to be wondering the same things.
"That's right," Sirius finally blurted out, "Why are you so weird when it comes to Snape? Okay, you made a big mistake, but I don't see why you're protecting him like this. He's in trouble just like we are, he should be helping us too."
James's cheeks flushed, but it was impossible to tell whether it was rage or embarrassment. "I remind you that he knows about Remus's lycanthropy," he spat. "We have a non-aggression pact with him. He'll probably rat him out if we force him to do this."
"It doesn't matter if he knows it in the end!" snapped Sirius, "After all, if he ratted it out, we'd only have to retaliate by turning him in for what happened with Flich! Boom, balance of terror; we're bound to win!"
"Wait, what?" exclaimed Remus, suddenly white as a sheet, "He knows about me?"
The other three paused again, guiltily. This time, Remus felt as if the ground was sinking under his feet. It couldn't be; he was in the middle of a nightmare. "Are you fucking kidding me? There's a guy who knows I'm sick and you won't tell me? Even though I spent the whole fucking week with him? You're stupid!"
"It's that..." chattered Peter, twiddling his fingers, "We didn't mean to..."
Remus finished his sentence for him. "Stress me out! I understood that! But, damn it, I NEED to know this stuff! I need to be included in your conversations! It's... Why am I always left out? Why am I never told what's going on?"
"Well, you see, we just did it, and you're pissing us off," James replied matter-of-factly, and Remus sensed that they were about to get physical.
"JAMES!" growled Sirius, clutching his shoulder.
Peter echoed him. In a burst of courage, he even dared to put his hand on their "leader's" chest. "Come on, calm down. We're all tired and on edge, so there's no need to insist. We'll talk about all that another time. "
"Oh, enough of that!" defended James, pushing Peter away. He'd taken on that scowling expression he displayed on his bad days - constantly, even, lately - and he wasn't about to let go. He tried to move forward, but Sirius' grip held him in place with a strength that took him by surprise.
Furious, James glared at him before turning his attention back to Remus. "If you've got a better idea, go ahead, I'm listening," he said coldly. "You never propose anything, you just roll your eyes. I'd like to hear your suggestions for once. If you've got a problem with this plan, fix it. You can do that, can't you? You're supposed to be the smartest guy in the group! I'm not asking for the moon!"
"Yes, you are," Remus replied, starting to get genuinely fed up with the situation. He wasn't up to dealing with James's childish behavior. All he wanted was to crawl into bed in the infirmary and forget about this shitty day. "The fucking moon's behind you and I don't feel like looking at it. I'll remind you that tomorrow it'll be full. I had an absence during the battle where I bit people. I'm obviously no longer very stable, either mentally or physically, because, shit, I'm sore all over and if I hadn't doped myself up with fucking vitamin candy, I'd have collapsed a long time ago and, tomorrow, I'm going to transform. Which is not, I remind you, a very pleasant experience. So, excuse me, but I don't have time for your bullshit. What do you want me to say? That it's my fault Sirius is in this mess? That your plan will save us all, and I'm infinitely grateful? Okay, I'm telling you: it's my fault. I'm obviously going crazy, and I'm getting everyone in trouble. It's my fault for Sirius, it's my fault for the mess earlier. I'm to blame. There, it's done. If you like, I'll even take responsibility for Severus's fall down the stairs. I wasn't there, but if it takes the weight off your shoulders and helps your gigantic ego, I don't mind. I'm the guilty one and you're the Savior. Thank you. Thank you, James, Great Redeemer, for the gift of your brilliant plans! Thank you for putting me first in line for punishment. Thank you for thinking about my already crappy future and making sure it'll be even worse if I get kicked out of this fucking school!"
"Okay," Sirius interjected, forcibly pulling James to one side to avoid any outbursts, "Let's call it a day. We're all exhausted. We're all angry. There's no point in talking under these conditions. Peter, grab James please. I'll take Remus back to the infirmary."
"No, but, there's no problem!" James was already shouting as Peter grabbed him, dragging him as best he could in the opposite direction. "You tell me when you've got another idea! Because you're great at criticizing, but when it comes to moving your arse, there's nobody left! You're always passive, Remus. You open your mouth, but you never do anything. When you've come up with a better plan, then you can criticize mine! But that won't happen, because you're too used to someone coming to your rescue every time! You lack teeth, Remus, and that's not even a bad joke!"
"James, shut up!" shouted Sirius as he continued to guide Remus towards the entrance to the infirmary.
They stopped in front of the door. Peter and James had disappeared on their side, their voices fading into the night. Sirius scratched the back of his neck, looking dejected, before leaning towards his friend.
"Do you want to take some time to calm down before you go inside?" he offered, his jaw tense.
Without waiting for his reply, he sat down on the steps leading up to the tower, and Remus realized that it was actually he who needed to settle down. He nodded gently and took a seat beside Sirius, his chin resting on his knees. It was never easy for him to be alone with Sirius. He felt awkward all of a sudden. It had taken him years to apprehend his feelings for him. This unnatural attraction. He often consoled himself by telling himself that his disappointment in love had given him a kind of secret promotion. An entry into the romantic world of forbidden loves. Like those in the books he liked to devour in bed at night, where his sensitive heart would fish, as in a great pond, for new stories to wallow in.
"I'm sure James didn't mean what he said." Sirius suddenly blurted out. Remus gasped slightly, but he ignored it. Upset, he ran his hands through his wild hair. The battle had tangled his big black curls badly, forming bundles of knots at the back of his neck. "It just disturbed him that you took it so head-on. And there must be something else... Damn it. He's just been so weird lately. But I'm sure he meant well with his plan…"
Remus wanted to help him, to comb his fingers through his thick hair. But he didn't dare, contenting himself with a sigh. Deep down, he knew James had good intentions. It was just his lack of empathy for others that was, as usual, failing him. "It's Severus who's driving him mad. I think what happened on the stairs really traumatized him... I don't even blame him, to be honest. He really tried to find a way to get us out of there. I just don't feel like doing anything stupid anymore... I'm scared. I'm really scared, Sirius. I don't understand what's happening to me. And, if on top of that I get expelled, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. If I don't have this school as a framework, I have a feeling I'll end up in an asylum..."
"We won't include you in the plan," Sirius reassured him, still struggling with his knots. He finally removed one of the rubber bands he kept on his wrist to tie his hair into a bun, a few wavy strands framing his long face. "Peter and I will take charge. I'm sure he'll find the courage to do this for you."
Remus gazed at him for a few seconds before looking away. That wasn't the heart of the matter, they both knew that.
"You...", Sirius hesitated, "You really don't remember anything?"
Remus huffed. He tried to gather the events in his memory, in vain. "No. It was like I blacked out when Bellatrix was stomping on my back. Did I... did I really hurt her?"
"You gave her what she deserved," Sirius replied with a grin. Despite everything, he was trying to remain positive, and Remus was more than grateful for that. "But you didn't bite her until she bled, if that's what you want to know. Afterwards, I stepped in, and you tried to grab my shoulder, but all you got was my cape. In all honesty, you weren't easy to subdue. It took three of us on top of you to get you to let go. I don't know where you get that strength when you're like that, but it's impressive..."
"Like when I attacked Severus..." murmured Remus. He tightened his grip on his knees, bringing them against him. The chill of the stone ran up his pelvis and made him shiver. That was all it took for Sirius's thick scarf to land on his head.
"Here. If you catch another cold, Pomfrey is going to kill us."
It was a large red scarf, made of three-horned sheep's wool - a rare species - that had been given to him by his Uncle Alphard. Sirius was very fond of it and wore it almost constantly in winter. The musky scent of the hollow of his neck wafted from it, and it took all of Remus' willpower not to bury his nose in the fabric and breathe it in to completely fill his lungs. He paused, closed his eyes, opened them again with effort, feeling caught in the throat by the same old disgust he'd patiently endured. "Thank you..."
"You know you're going to have to talk to her about this, right? She's got to know. If there's anyone who can help you, it's her... Are you... Are you seeing anyone outside of school? Besides, do you know if it's dangerous for you to bite someone when you're not transformed?"
It was the first time Sirius dared to ask him medical questions, and Remus felt they had reached the point of no return. He had done his best to keep his illness away from his friendships. Of course, he hadn't been able to erase it, but he'd enjoyed being able to live with his peers while being regarded as just "chronically ill". Nothing more, nothing less. Would the rest of the Marauders eventually abandon him now that he could no longer keep his problems at bay? The very idea broke his heart.
"I see a Ministry mediwizard every year for a check-up. When I was a kid, it was after every full moon, but, since I wasn't getting hurt anymore during my transformations, we spaced out the sessions little by little. I also had a shrink for years, but it was no longer of much use to me and I stopped going. As for bites, I don't know, but there can be a risk of contamination when you're close to the full moon. Some researchers say that the victim often has a permanent craving for red meat."
"A craving for red meat? " Sirius repeated, laughing. "If it's just that, you can bite me, I'll survive! I already eat meat every day! This won't change me too much!" He sighed, "On a more serious note, if the bites of lycanthropes in human form contaminated people, they'd have told you straight out. There's nothing to worry about.
"Go tell that to the Ministry," Remus replied with a bitter smile, "I'm sure they'd put me on their watch list if that happened. I'm already listed as a lycan', that's enough for now."
There was a small pause. Remus would have liked to take the opportunity to ask Sirius if he thought his illness would end up becoming a burden on the group, but fear kept his lips closed. It was finally Sirius who spoke again, bringing the discussion to a new topic:
"I think James wants to declare himself to Lily. He asked me what gift to give someone to get closer to them. I think it would do him good to finally have a girlfriend. It would calm his nerves. Do you... Do you have any idea what he could get her? What do you think he should do?"
Surprised, Remus turned his head towards him. He hadn't expected Sirius to go from one thing to another so much, but judging by his sudden nervousness, the question was important. The tall dark-haired boy had also wrapped his arms around his legs, staring at him out of the corner of his eye, huddled in on himself. In fact, Remus had the strange impression that it was aimed directly at him.
He wished it was meant for him, yes. Just like the scarf he clutched so tightly between his fingers. And, at the same time, he hoped his wish would never come true. He knew he couldn't bear the possibility. Ah, he was so jealous of Lily right now. Receiving love from other boys must have been so simple. So natural. Like laughing or breathing. Surrounded by her friends who would rush to congratulate her...
He too would have liked to know this feeling, to be free to love someone without being afraid, without coming to fear, even in his fantasies, the reciprocity of his feelings...
Again, a powerful shame gripped him. You're flawed , screamed a voice in his head, and Remus had to force himself to smile. "I... I don't know... A symbolic gift, I suppose. Something sentimental, personal, meaningful. I think it would mean a lot more to me than something rare or expensive..."
"Mmh." Sirius replied simply, nodding. He contracted his mouth again, his features unnaturally serious, almost hard, and Remus was afraid he'd given the wrong answer. He didn't know if there was one, but the thought of being judged by the other boy made him want to run like hell.
"Lily's lucky..." he said shyly as he observed the scarf, "Severus would do anything for her. And I'm sure James would be dedicated to her body and soul if they were dating... That... It must be nice, to be so appreciated for the person you are... To have people supporting you no matter what you do."
A warm breath caressed his cheek and Remus turned his head sharply, startled. Sirius had moved closer, just enough so that their foreheads were level. His large eyes had turned gray under the cover of night and Remus felt naked before them.
"Don't you feel like I've always had your back?" Sirius's voice had grown low, almost husky as he stared at him.
Once again, Remus wasn't sure if he had angered him. On edge, he slipped, his body suddenly wracked with a shiver he couldn't hide. "Yes. Of course, you did. But it's different. Sometimes I'd like to be loved the way Severus loves Lily..."
He regretted his words, afraid he'd said too much. Until now, Remus had never expressed himself either about his sexuality or his vision of love. He'd always just nodded when Peter told him about the girls he liked, or when James went on for hours about why Lily was the most beautiful person in the world. He'd never spoken to Sirius about this, and even though it was completely absurd, he was afraid that Sirius would eventually guess why.
"How Severus loves Lily..." repeated Sirius as if to himself in a whisper. "It must be nice..."
He was so close to Remus, so focused on his person, that Remus was forced to retreat. Leaning on his hands, he swung back, finally putting some distance between them. He prayed that the deep breath he'd just taken might escape the other Gryffindor.
"Can we go inside?" he asked in an embarrassed voice. "I'm getting really cold..."
Sirius didn't react immediately. Looking absent-minded, lost in his own thoughts, he stared at the castle before slowly rising to his feet. "Yeah."