Chapter 11: Apologies

"What do you think I should do?" Oliver asked Felicity, who was curled into his side on the couch. Dinner was over and Laurel had returned home hours ago. The evening since Laurel left had been quiet and heavy as Felicity had turned over Laurel's concerns for Thea in her mind. Felicity had wanted to ask Oliver what he was thinking but had hoped that eventually he would open up when he was ready. She was grateful he had broken the stillness with his question.

Felicity reached out to pull one of Oliver's hands into her own and stroked his fingers while studying his hand. She had been considering this very thing. "I think she's right, Oliver. Thea asked for space and you gave it." Felicity gave a little shrug, as she noted that things had changed. "But she also needs support, and if she's struggling like Laurel thinks she is…"

"But she shouldn't be struggling, Felicity!" Oliver exclaimed, cutting Felicity short. "Just think of Thea a month ago – she was shaking off the effects of the bloodlust, but outside of that, she's been making a life for herself." The vexation in his tone was clear as he began to explain in quick succession, "She's serving on this team, every night, protecting our city. She's single-handedly responsible for pulling my campaign together. She started dating someone, a good guy – she shouldn't be having a setback!"

Felicity began to understand where Oliver was coming from. Oliver tended to fixate on the past - the past which held the ghosts of the Island, of his parents, of Tommy. And now he was looking back to where he thought his sister's life should be. The place she had been, back before Oliver was sucked into Earth 42 and came back preoccupied with Thea's past.

It was a mindset Felicity wasn't personally familiar with. Felicity tended to roll with the punches and took things in stride – looking back never served her well. Whatever was now just was and it little mattered what had come before. But looking at Thea's life through Oliver's eyes, remembering how well she was doing, made Thea's recent struggles extra bitter.

Felicity sighed, knowing that what Oliver was dancing around claiming culpability for Thea's descent. While Felicity might know Oliver was not responsible for the outcome, it was no doubt every bit as clear to Oliver as it was to Felicity that the thing that had changed between healthy, happy, settled Thea and sleepless, isolated, self-medicating Thea was Oliver digging into her past. "Oliver," Felicity said, her voice almost chiding. "You know why she's struggling."

Oliver guessed half-heartedly, "Because she fought with me?"

Felicity did her best to not roll her eyes at Oliver's deliberately obtuse guess. "Look, I get what you're avoiding. But it's no one's fault that Thea is reliving trauma because you brought it up." Felicity mused introspectively on the times her own past had pushed its way back into her life. Every so often, seeing great fathers like Digg with Sarah reminded her of her father walking away from her and her mom. And she was really a mess when she had to work a case with Team Arrow which caused her to confront the still sharp pain of losing Cooper in college after their hacktivism had gone wrong. It certainly hadn't gotten any better when it turned out that Cooper was alive and was their culprit. "That's the sucky thing about trauma – it likes to rear its head at the worst times, like when things are finally going well."

Felicity could feel Oliver tense up next to her. He admitted in a broken voice, "Felicity, I'm the one who started all of this. Not just with going to Walter behind her back or the things I said to her – I'm the one who brought it back up." Oliver paused and Felicity held her breath waiting. "The pain she's dealing with right now is because of me."

Dismayed, but not surprised, Felicity defended emphatically, "Oliver, that's not true." Felicity hoped Oliver would hear her. Felicity pulled out of his embrace and turned so she could look at him, hands still connected. "I think it's pretty clear that Thea has never actually dealt with what happened to her when she was a kid. I don't want to sound mean, but something was bound to trigger her. It just happened to be you."

Oliver shook his head, denying what Felicity was saying. Felicity clutched at his hand again. "Just think about how far you were thrown off when Slade Wilson reentered the picture." Oliver's head stopped moving and he froze, eyes locked on hers.

Felicity felt guilty for bringing Slade into this, but she needed him to understand. Oliver had spiraled at Slade's return and Felicity had always felt that Slade and the Island had been the most likely subjects when Oliver was hallucinating during Barry's first visit with Team Arrow. "There's something about just living life in our present which finds ways to dig up our past," Felicity said. "It's less than ideal, but this is a chance for Thea to get support she didn't get the first time around, and maybe to figure out how to handle it better."

Oliver was clearly struggling to get past the comparison between Slade and Thea's abuser. Oliver grit his teeth and ground out, "Slade is something completely different. I am culpable for my ghosts. Thea isn't for hers."

Felicity was well aware of the warning in Oliver's tone, telling her that she was poking around the place where Oliver locked down his secrets. Fortunately, Felicity was one person in his life who refused to be cowed by a tone and a look. Felicity said firmly, "I hear what you're saying, Oliver, but I'm not sure they're so different." Oliver shook his head in denial.

"Look," Felicity tried again. "You talk about the island - well, never. But, what I do know is that I have seen your scars and sometimes it's like I can hear the things you don't say. And I can imagine that on that island you were probably in an untenable position where someone held power over you." Oliver's eyes were hard and firmly fixed on her. Felicity was aware of the dangerous territory she was entering - but this was both for Oliver and for Thea.

Felicity thought of the brand on Oliver's skin. The puckered skin slashing across his stomach and back. The marks that appeared like the thin stripes of a lash. "There are some marks that you just don't get if you have your freedom," she said steadily, still holding Oliver's warning gaze. Felicity continued, trying to tread carefully, "Maybe where you, or maybe someone you cared about, were threatened and hurt, or kept from what you needed to survive. That's coercive power, just like the power that her teacher had over Thea." Oliver blinked, startled, at the conversation returning to his sister.

Felicity continued, "And just like you still hold onto the guilt and responsibility for your actions on the island, regardless of any limiting of your choices by person or persons unknown, Thea still feels guilt and responsibility for her actions." Oliver looked overwhelmed by the comparison, so Felicity kept going. "I guess what I'm saying is that some of what you experienced on the island and after may speak pretty directly to what Thea is going through. You're not only her family – you're someone who might be able to understand some of her pain."

Oliver's eyes made his doubt clear. Oliver took his free hand and rubbed his eyes suddenly and admitted, "It doesn't matter if I understand or not. Everything I've done in the past few weeks has made things worse."

"Oliver," Felicity said sympathetically, feeling his hurt along with him. She agreed gently, "It has been a really rough few weeks. I can't pretend it hasn't." Oliver dropped his hand from his face onto his lap and dropped his gaze along with it. "But Thea is your sister. You love her. You can't just not try."

"What do I do to fix this?" Oliver asked desperately.

"I'm not sure that that's up to you," Felicity admitted. "I think you just have to let her know the truth. That you really are sorry that you hurt her and, if she's willing to let you try, that you can do better." Felicity dropped off for a minute, then tugged Oliver's hand, causing him to look up. "I mean. You can do better, right?"

Oliver looked offended for a moment before it faded away with an ashamed look. Oliver finally said firmly, "Yes, I can."

"Okay," Felicity said agreeably. "Then make sure she knows that. And, look. If she does tell you something that happened to her – don't try to fix it. Just … be there."

Oliver bounced his leg up and down as he gripped onto a cardboard cup of coffee. His seat on the wooden picnic table bench gave him a view of the street entrance and parking lot, as well as a wide area of the public park speckled with large, old trees and grassy lawn. A group of children raced around a playground giggling while a few women and a man stood off to the side chatting.

Oliver glanced at his watch. It was already 15 minutes after the time Thea had agreed to meet him. With each passing second he felt his anxiety at facing his sister slowly morph into disappointment. It looked like she wasn't coming.

"Hey," A soft voice came from behind Oliver. The hair stood up on the back of his neck as he swung around to find his sister, hands shoved into her jeans' pockets. Catching his first glimpse of Thea in several weeks, Oliver noticed Thea seemed … frailer somehow. She was clearly worn out – her eyes seemed bigger, emphasized by the circles under her eyes and gaunt cheeks. While she still held herself with graceful ease, it seemed like it wouldn't take more than a bump to send her to the ground.

"I honestly wasn't trying to sneak up," Thea said with a little smile, clearly reading the alarm in Oliver's reaction. "I got here early. I was just walking around, trying to get up the courage to come over here."

Oliver nodded. "I'm glad you did." He gestured to a second cup of coffee sitting on the picnic table across from him. "It might be a little cold," Oliver noted apologetically.

"Actually, can we walk?" Thea asked.

"Of course," Oliver said agreeably, rising while grabbing the coffee cups from the tabletop. As he stepped up alongside Thea, he held out a cup which Thea accepted. She took a sip as the siblings stepped onto the meandering path that made its way away from the playground and towards a small forest.

Silence settled over the siblings. It wasn't tense, exactly, but it did hold a sense of expectation. It felt as though the moment of peace was preparing to vanish and invite their earlier distance to reassert itself. Oliver could feel his heart picking up its pace as he sensed the time had come to apologize to Thea and then to deal with whatever Thea's response may be. Even if that response was permanent estrangement.

"Thea," Oliver began, willing his voice to convey his sincerity. "I am… so - sorry." He glanced over at his sister and saw her eyes affixed to her feet. "I broke your trust. I went to Walter behind your back. I assure you that anything that Walter told me was only due to me implying that I was speaking to him with your blessing. I was dishonest to Walter and I am so sorry that I purposefully sought information after you told me to leave it alone."

Oliver let that apology settle and noted that Thea was still looking straight down. His heart was in his throat as he started the second part of his apology. "And if it's possible, I'm even more sorry that I implied that you had some kind of a duty to protect other kids by disclosing what happened to you. What I said was intentionally cruel because I was angry after your comment about Slade." Oliver swallowed shallowly and admitted lowly, "You were right – anything I can say about warning others is hypocritical because of the secrets I keep, including about Slade. But I'm also sorry because I now understand that …" Oliver stopped to wrap his mind around the words he was trying to convey. "That you were a child trying to survive. I shouldn't have said or implied in any way that you are to blame for any part of what happened to you."

Thea was looking over to the side instead of straight down, and, much to Oliver's horror he saw her swipe at her eye with her hand. Thea made no other sound or acknowledgement of Oliver's apology.

Oliver abruptly stopped walking. Thea walked a few steps further, then stopped. She didn't turn around.

Oliver felt his heart breaking in his chest. When would he stop hurting her? How do you apologize when everything you say, everything you do tears down the person you most want to protect?

Oliver had not come to the park today ready to apologize for all the hurt he had ever caused Thea, but he felt, as he looked at the frozen, broken visage of his baby sister in front of him, that if this was it, if this was the last time he ever spoke to her or she ever listened to him that she needed to know he understood.

"Thea …" Oliver started haltingly, his voice choked with shame. "I … have begun to realize that throughout your life, I have never been the brother you needed. Even when you were little, I think back to all of the times you asked to show me something or tell me something and I told you I was too busy." He could see the little girl, brunette hair in a ponytail, excitedly running up to him with her most recent art project or to tell him she was going to her first sleepover. How he wished he could tell his adolescent self to take the time to listen, to get excited with her. But he had lost that chance.

"You once told me that you felt closer to me when you thought I was dead than after I returned. And you told Tommy that you figured that I cared more about you when I was dead than I had when I was alive." Thea turned quickly around at this comment, looking at Oliver in shock. "My memory was a better brother than I ever actually was." Oliver scarcely cared that sharing the comment about Tommy might reveal too much. Oliver didn't let her confusion as to how he knew what had been said while he was supposedly marooned on a deserted island interrupt his apology. "But since I returned from Lian Yu … I have become convinced that, while all I have ever wanted to do was to protect you, that - I am the person who has hurt you more than any other."

Thea was now standing completely still, eyes glued onto Oliver's face, her eyes bright with building tears. Oliver's heart felt heavy. If this was it, if this was the last time she heard him, what did he need to say? What did she need to hear?

Oliver felt a warm bead drip down his cheek, but he declined to wipe it away, instead, his eyes remained on his sister. With determination, Oliver said, "So, if you choose to never speak with me or see me again, I understand. It would break my heart, but you need to do what gives you peace, even if that means being away from me." Thea's eyes were wide. Oliver, feeling as if the door was closing, desperately added, "But before you tell me, I need you to know that … I am so proud of you. There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that can change how much I love you."

Oliver drew in a stunned gasp as he felt the thump of a small, solid body fall into his, while arms grasped around his chest. Oliver looked down in amazement at the brown hair directly underneath his chin. Oliver let out a breath as he slowly allowed his arms to wrap around Thea's shoulders and gently pulled her in a little tighter as his chin rested on the top of her head. "Thea," He whispered in awe.

"You're my big brother," Thea murmured, voice heavy with emotion. "If we're apart, then what did Mom and Dad sacrifice for?" she echoed Oliver's words to her in Corto Maltese.

"Thea," Oliver said softly, looking down at the woman in his arms. "You don't have to. When I asked you to come back from Corto Maltese, one thing was clear to me then and is still true now: I need you more than you need me. If you need to be away – if you can't be around me – it's okay."

Thea shook her head and pulled back enough to look Oliver in the eyes, arms still loosely around Oliver. "You're my family. I can't … I can't keep being alone." She paused for a long moment and then admitted as though it were shameful, "I need you too. You're the only one left who has known me my entire life. Who cares when I get hurt. I can't go back to being alone." Thea's voice broke.

Oliver quickly made a hushing noise and drew Thea back into a hug. "You're not alone, Thea. I'm right here. And I'm going to do better, I swear." Both siblings allowed silent tears to fall down their faces. When they drew back, the air was cleared. Oliver said, "Can we sit and talk now?" Thea nodded quickly and the two hurried back up the hill to reach the picnic table Oliver had waited at earlier.

Oliver watched as Thea delicately took her seat and then sat across from her. For a moment, both sipped from their coffee cups. Oliver could see clear signs of exhaustion in his sister. He asked gently, "How are you doing?"

Thea shot Oliver a wan smile. "I've been better," she admitted honestly.

Oliver remembered what Felicity had told him about understanding Thea. He hesitated for a moment. Then, "Maybe this is out of turn," Oliver admitted. "But when I came back from the Island, I thought that I had put it all away – left it behind. So much happened while I was there, most of it bad." Thea nodded gently, encouragingly.

"I know I don't talk about it. But … I wasn't alone. I had friends. One of them was Slade Wilson." Thea's eyes widened. "There was Yao Fei, who saved my life and was my first friend and teacher. His daughter, Shado. I … was falling in love with her, I think. Sara … she was there. Not at first, but we ran back into each other. There were also some really terrible people." Thea looked so lost as Oliver listed his companions. Oliver let out a dry chuckle and said, "For a deserted island, it was pretty populated."

Oliver sighed and continued. "Some really awful things happened, and I did some terrible things. I honestly thought Sara had been killed before she showed up in Starling, and I buried Yao Fei and Shado myself. And … Slade… I thought I had killed Slade."

"When … when Slade showed up in Starling, it had been five years since Shado had died. But, suddenly, she was on my mind constantly. Her death felt like it had happened yesterday. She was in all of my dreams, her face was in every shadow. It all hurt almost like it had hurt five years before." Oliver drifted off, unsure of his point but getting lost in memories.

Thea's eyes had dropped to the cup in her hand and she began softly. "It's been eight years. I know I'm safe from him now, I know that. But … when I fall asleep, I don't know that anymore, you know?"

Oliver nodded in understanding, opting to stay quiet.

"I didn't know that Walter knew," Thea began again. "I thought … that the only ones who knew were … just us. Just him and I. And if we were the only ones who knew, then I could just pretend that maybe nothing happened at all."

"Until I came around asking questions," Oliver noted remorsefully.

Thea gave a little acknowledging shrug. "But, I guess … even if I pretended it didn't happen, it really did. And … maybe having someone else know… and having someone else tell me that… it wasn't my fault … maybe that's okay." Thea's eyes flicked up to her brother and Oliver could still see how nervous she was for his reaction.

Oliver felt his heart clench. Laurel had told him that Thea blamed herself, but Oliver couldn't wrap his mind around how his sister, who had been an actual child, could feel guilt over her abuse. Until now when he could see the shame swimming in his sister's eyes.

"Thea," Oliver said gently and with every ounce of conviction he could put into his voice, "It wasn't your fault." Thea met his eyes and then quickly looked down at her cup. "In absolutely no way was what happened to you your fault. And I would give everything I have to take away what happened to you."

Thea looked up and caught Oliver's eyes. She said softly, "I would give up everything to take away the island for you."

A shock of realization hit Oliver. Oliver and Thea were both hurt and forever changed by the events in their past. The same horrible tragedy that tore them apart had made them vulnerable to others who chose to do them harm. They both bore their own hurts and ached for the other's. But there was nothing to be done to take it away – it was part of them. The years following the Queen's Gambit had been wildly cruel to the Queen family, but it had also made them the two people who sat over their cups of coffee in the park on a Sunday morning.

Both siblings sat in silent solidarity for a long moment. Finally, Oliver broke the silence.

"I want to do better, Thea. What do you need from me to make sure I don't mess things up again?"

Thea seemed to consider the question for a moment. "Okay," Thea said slowly. "Ground rules."

Oliver nodded, "Ground rules," he echoed encouragingly.

"No more digging," Thea said, fixing Oliver with a searching look. "If you want answers, come ask me."

Oliver nodded and added, "I can do that if you agree to just tell me you're not going to answer something rather than ignoring me."

"That's fair," Thea assented. "And you have to accept that when I don't want to answer, then that's that. It doesn't grant you permission to go all private eye." Oliver nodded agreeably. Thea fixed Oliver with a hard look. "I mean it, Ollie. You can't go snooping."

Oliver nodded, but added, "Unless someone might be in active danger."

Thea shook her head, "No, that's how we got to this point in the first place. If that's your argument, you let me know that you think someone would be in danger if I didn't tell you. We can bring in a third party, like Laurel, or Digg or someone to settle if it really is needed." Oliver was hesitant to agree now, feeling like Thea was tying his hands.

"Ollie," Thea said, her voice colder and harder than Oliver could ever remember hearing it. "If you go behind my back to try to uncover something, it had better be worth it. Because you and I will be done."

Oliver stared, transfixed by the cold look in his sister's eyes, when Thea abruptly continued. "There are things that if you dug into and found out would absolutely change how you look at me. You can say all you want about me not being at fault, but. Ollie … the evidence Walter locked up – if you saw any of that, Ollie, I would just die."

Oliver felt his heart sink, wondering again if Thea had been trafficked. But Felicity was right – today was about making things right with Thea. Not finding answers. Oliver said quickly, "Okay. I'm sorry, I promise I won't dig. Okay?"

Thea gave Oliver a wary little smile. Oliver held out his hand, crooking his pinky out. "Pinky promise." Thea rolled her eyes, then locked her pinky with his. Oliver shook, then pretended to push her hand over like he was having a thumb war. Thea laughed at the unexpected move and punched Oliver lightly in the shoulder.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Oliver asked, "So, what's up with Brenda at work? Did I hear that she's part of a jazz band?"

"Oh my gosh, I have been wanting to talk about that with you all week! Is it possible Brenda is… cool?"