Beavis and Butthead in

**Full Metal Scoring**

oOo

Highland, Texas, present day. Today, we see the latest when it comes our favorite pair of fully mature, responsible adults. Beavis and Butthead are two young men who, as a seminal part of maturing into adults, constantly feel desperate to "score", or get laid. Being the upstanding young men that they are, they are sure to find a way to do so.

"This sucks", Butthead said. They were standing out in front of the Maxi-Mart with some of the non-alcoholic beer the store owner had given them so they would leave him alone. They, however, thought it was the real thing, and hoped it would attract chicks. "Chicks dig beer but none are coming up."

"Yeah, heh heh. Maybe I should grow a beard", Beavis thought. They had tried this before by randomly gluing hair on their faces, but surprisingly this didn't work. Maybe it would work now.

"Woah, huh huh. Here comes a chick." Butthead's eyes lit up as a random woman got out of her car and came toward the store. "Uhh, hey baby, wanna 'do it' with a real man?", he asked while putting on the charm. She didn't seem to notice him.

Beavis had his own theory. "Heh, maybe she was one of those 'Libyans'."

"Yeah, huh huh. Uhh, we can, like wait a few more minutes and try something else." An hour passed. Then two; they still waited.

Another woman came by, this time hit on by Beavis. "Oh hey, how's it going? Heh heh, you wanna get with an older man? Heh heh."

"Oh Jesus", said the woman as she walked in.

"I already tried that pick-up line, dillweed", Butthead said. "For like, uhh, seduction, you have to be original, or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh." The two were trying to draw on their life experience and natural talent with women to come up with more ideas, when the idea came to them. A hummer pulled up and one of the passengers went in. They were Marines. "Hey kids", one of them said when he went in.

Butthead had a flash of inspiration. "Woah, hey Beavis. I just got an idea. Chicks, like, really wanna do it with those guys. We could tell them that we're like them."

"Oh yeah... eh, who are they?"

"I think they're, like, mariners, or something. Huh huh, they're cool."

"Ah yeah, how can you tell they own a boat?"

"Not that kind of 'mariner', dumbass. They're like, in the army or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh. So how do we do that?"

"Uhh, they all, like, work in this building down the street. We can go there and find some of their clothes."

"Yeah, heh heh. We're gonna score!" They both got on their bikes and went over to this place that they had been by but never really paid attention to. Butthead knew it was here because one of their teachers, Coach Buzzcut, was also a Marine and had mentioned it in the hopes it would attract the better students interested in enlisting.

It was late afternoon by now, so the reservists had went home and locked up the building, or thought they fully had.

"Uhh, they're like, closed, or something", Butthead surmised. He approached the sign in front. "Uhh, 'mari, mariner reser... vation. Yep, this is the place, Beavis. Let's find a way in."

Using their typical well-grounded judgment, the two approached the door but found it locked. They found a window around back, however, that they were able to push open. They flipped on the lights, and Beavis was underwhelmed. "I thought you said these guys scored."

"Yeah, huh huh."

"I thought it would be cool and chicks would be here." The interior was quite boring and Spartan, as opposed to the Gentleman's Club he was expecting.

"The chicks probably all went home, huh huh. But we can dress up as them." They set about this, and found some uniforms that were ill-fitting on their frames. They also wore them incorrectly, by not blousing their boots and pulling their hats down like baseball caps. These were the kind of rookie mistakes a recruit would stop making after the first day, or hour, of proper boot camp.

"We're gonna score", Butthead said.

"Yeah yeah, heh heh!"

"So let's go back and uh... hang out."

"BOIOIOIOINNNGGG! Heh heh!"

This was the genius plan that would surely result in amorous activity. However, a surprise visitor would be by in a moment.

President Molson was in town do conduct a surprise inspection of some military assets, especially in a large state like Texas that bordered Mexico and hence would play a role in border concerns. The USMC commandant accompanied him; since it was a surprise inspection, the commander of this armory was not notified. If there were any defects, the President wanted to be aware of what they were.

There was an element of personal curiosity as well: the President was former Army, and while he never deployed, he still had an idea of what training and professionalism was expected. He had heard how superior the Marines were, and wanted to see for himself. The commandant was keenly aware.

Lastly, for some years, there was the growing concern that the armed forces had become too relaxed, and had allowed their standards to slip. That the kids these days were too soft. Depending on how world events would unfold, this also demanded scrutiny.

"Looks like someone's here still", the President noted. He had expected them to be dismissed by now. "I guess they're still hard at work. I think we'll see them."

"Yes sir, of course", the commandant answered. The party, which also included Secret Service, went up to the armory and entered. They found Beavis and Butthead, who were about to crawl out the same window as they came in. They were somewhat surprised, but still knew a celebrity when they saw one, even if they weren't 100% sure who he was at first. Apparently, the luck of dressing up as such cool guys was already paying off.

President Molson took in the display and noted the apparent defects, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. "So, you boys are still hard at work eh? I thought you'd be out of here by now. Is your commander in?"

Butthead answered him, "You said 'hard'. Huh huh."

Beavis added, "Yeah! Heh heh! Are you like, the guy from TV?"

The President was a little surprised at their relaxed behavior. He didn't want to embarrass the commandant, so he offered a justification within his next question. "I guess things are kind of relaxed here, nothing wrong with that. I'm also assuming you were about to change into civvies. Can I speak with the commander? Do you know where he is?", he concluded with a bit more pressed but still genial tone.

Butthead hardly knew what a "commander" was. "Uhhh... no. He, like, hasn't been in today, or something."

Beavis had a theory, "Oh yeah, he's probably out scoring."

"Yeah, huh huh. We're gonna go and get some chicks." They both laughed at this for a moment until Butthead wandered over to a female Secret Service agent. "Hey baby, huh huh. Wanna 'do it' with a Marine?" She didn't know how to react to that one.

President Molson's patience evaporated. He could feel the commandant's anger at such a display. He started glancing over toward him, but caught himself and focused again on these two. "Boys, I have important questions. This is the first time visiting this Marine Reserve unit." He thought of some "baseline" questions for the purpose of assessment. "When was your last PT test? Did you pass?"

"What's a 'PT test'?", Beavis asked.

Butthead answered for President Molson. "I think it's, like, a test for drugs, or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh. Umm, I don't think, like, ever, sir", Beavis answered.

President Molson was flabbergasted, and took note of their frail frames. "Well you guys aren't really overweight, but the problem may be the opposite. In the Army we had at least an annual test in my unit." He pivoted, also wanting to extend the commandant some leverage. "How about the rifle range? Did you qualify?"

"Uhhh...", Butthead didn't understand the question.

"How much did you score last time?"

"Oh yeah, huh huh. We're gonna score tonight."

Beavis helpfully inserted, "Yeah! BOIOIOIOINNNGGGG! We're gonna score with chicks!"

This irreverent attitude pissed off the President. It didn't really matter at this point how they scored on the range. The lack of... everything was too much. "Boys, I can't really be mad at you", he said, partially because he meant it, but also because he wanted to spare them the wrath of the commandant. "It's clear to me that your leadership and direction have failed you. Myself and your commandant here will get to the bottom of these failures." He turned to his group. "We're leaving, we'll be sure to deal with this."

As he was walking out, he turned to the commandant, "I want the name and address of the commander for this place. I expected far more. I thought my unit had a reputation for being relaxed."

Beavis asked Butthead after they had left, "Uhm, so who was that guy?"

"Uhh, I think he was the host of that gameshow, with, like, the big wheel with numbers on it."

"Oh yeah, heh heh. Let's go and score!"

"Yeah, huh huh." They both climbed out the same window they came in and went to the mall where they tried their suave and sexy approach with women here. Oddly enough, the girls they approached saw through their disguises, didn't like their approach, or both. Beavis got a couple phone numbers since the girls thought he was cute though.

The next afternoon, the two went to the local convention center as part of a school field trip, where the President was speaking. The President was describing his visit, national issues, and his plans for international concerns when he noticed Beavis and Butthead in the crowd. He made plans to speak directly with them after his speech.

Butthead also recognized him towards the end of his speech: "Woah, hey. Check it out, Beavis. There's that guy."

"Oh yeah, heh heh."

"Don't you get it, Beavis? They'll probably film that one game show here."

"Oh yeah, heh heh. Then we can win some money and score that way!"

"Yeah." They both laughed at this promising plan.

After the speech was over, the students were walking back to their bus when the Secret Service found them and brought them over to the President. "Boys, I'm glad to see you again, it was quite a stroke of luck you were able to inform me of some very deep and serious issues."

"Glad to be of service, sir", Butthead answered.

"I found your commander first-thing this morning. He tried to deny what you told me, but the commandant and I wouldn't hear any of it. As I understand it, the commandant personally visited the armory afterward. He tore the commander and the first sergeant a very badly-needed new one, along with any other senior leadership that bothered to answer their phones."

"Uhh... OK."

"Your next training weekend may be much harder than what you're used to, but that's the name of the game. I know it would be if my old commander got the same treatment. Well, I just wanted to thank you for the input and wish you luck." He gave them each a business card.

"That was cool", Butthead commented. "Hey Beavis, you should call one of those numbers you got and show them that card. They'll be impressed that we're friends with that gameshow guy."

"Yeah, heh heh." They get back on the bus with heavy metal playing them out. Their longshot plan might just have worked.