A Bitter Pill to Swallow- chapter 11
The family headed out of the hospital, making sure Jonathan knew to call the hotel if he needed anything. Hank and Samantha headed home, while the rest of them headed back to the hotel. They were able to grab a quick dinner before heading to their rooms. Angela helped Tony get changed and showered before showering herself and getting them ready for bed. For the first time since this all started, both Tony and Angela were able to fall asleep quickly, not waking until the morning.
"Good morning sweetheart…" said Tony as they both started to slowly wake up.
"Good morning… I feel like I've been hit by a truck… what time is it?" she asked, not sure which hurt more, her head or her whole body.
"Just after nine… a full twelve hours of sleep after not sleeping much for days. Our bodies are wondering what the heck is going on!" he chuckled.
"I think I need Tylenol…" she said as she tried to get up. She made it half way up, when she just collapsed back on the bed.
"Tylenol yes and then you need a proper meal. The half eaten meals and snacks you've been living on for the past week or so isn't helping. Let's order room service and then we can get ready to head back over" he said.
"I'm too tired to argue with you so that sounds good…" she said as she curled into his body.
"I'll order while you rest up. I'll see about finding you some Tylenol too…" he said as he gave her a kiss and headed to find the medication and room service menu. He ordered them breakfast and gave her the Tylenol. She was back asleep within a few minutes, waking up forty-five minutes later when the room service arrived.
"Thank you Tony… that extra sleep helped with my headache and I'm actually hungry…" she said as Tony let out a sigh of relief.
"What?" she asked as she started eating her breakfast.
"What do you mean 'what?' You've barely eaten this week is what! I've been worried sick about you too!" he practically shouted. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to yell. It's just been a rough week and my brain's on worry mode…" he said.
"It's okay Tony. I haven't been taking care of myself but it's just been so hard with everything going on… I'll do better I promise…" she said as she continued to eat her breakfast.
"We will both do better and make sure the other is taking care of themselves…" he said. They finished eating and got themselves showered and dressed. They met Mona in the lobby and headed over to the hospital. Jonathan was reading a magazine when they walked in.
"Hi buddy! How are you doing? We brought you some more snacks!" said Tony.
"Thanks guys…" he said as he placed the magazine down and started eating the snickers bar he pulled out of the bag.
"Has the doctor come back in for an update?" asked Angela.
"Yeah he stopped by a little while ago. Looks like it's healing just fine. I… I should be transferred back to the unit sometime tonight…" he said with a sad look on his face.
"Well that's good you are healing!" said Mona.
"Yeah… I've decided to talk to someone once I get back to the unit. I figure it can't make this any worse and if it's going to get me out of this hell hole sooner rather than later, then maybe it will be worth it. I think you should all go home for a few days. I'll be fine… I promise I won't do anything stupid… again…" he said.
"That's wonderful sweetheart! I think it will really help! We aren't going anywhere until you are officially settled in. Once that happens, we can figure out where to go from here…" said Angela.
"Okay Mom…" he said. They spent the next few hours visiting until until it was time for an early dinner. They went to the cafeteria and grabbed a quick bite to eat, all of their appetites seeming to return. They brought Jonathan back up some food and continued their visit until it was time for Jonathan to be transferred back up to the unit.
"Alright sweetheart… we will be back for visiting hours tomorrow. Do you need anything?" asked Angela.
"No Mom… I'll be fine. Go rest and I will see you tomorrow" he said as they helped him into a wheelchair. They said their goodbyes, giving him each a hug as they watched him head down the hallway. The three of them headed out of the hospital and back to the hotel to try and relax and get some sleep.
Jonathan returned to another room up on the unit. This one was a corner room and seemed a bit larger than the previous one, not that it mattered much. He sat back on his bed; the unit was starting to shut down for the night, medications being administered and a final count of the patients being conducted by the night shift nurse.
He knew it was way too early to try and sleep, so he decided to head out to the main room and grab something to bring back to his room. He was flipping through some magazines when a girl about his age sat down next to him.
"Hey there! My name is Andrea! I just got on the unit today but it's not my first time! Actually this admission makes it my fifth time! It's not something to brag about but at least it's a conversation started!" she laughed, her speech very pressured and fast. Jonathan had a horrified thought that this was how he was acting the past couple of weeks and internally cringed.
"Hi I'm Jonathan… I… I've been here a few days… I think. Actually, I've lost track of how long I've been here…" he said.
"Well it gets easier the more you get admitted! You know the staff and they know you! You can even get them to bring you in stuff if you know who to ask! So what happened to your wrist? Well I know what happened but why? I tried that once but it didn't work. Too painful!" she laughed a manic laugh that shook Jonathan to his core.
"Well I better be getting back to my room. It was nice chatting with you Andrea! See you around…" he said as he grabbed a few magazines and headed back to his room. Once inside, he just shook his head, knowing full well he was looking in a mirror when he was talking to her.
"This can't be the rest of my life! I can't possibly live like that… five admissions and it didn't even phase her! What the hell?" he said out loud.
"Then do something about it man… you're in the driver's seat now…" said one of the aides.
"Huh?" said Jonathan, forgetting there were two other people in the room with him.
"You don't wanna be her, then don't! Do the work, meet with the docs and take the meds! Take those lemons life's thrown at ya and make some lemonade! Sure as hell beats the alternative…" said the other aide.
Jonathan just sat back on his bed, thinking about everything from the past few days and tried to make sense out of something. He finally gave up trying to figure out the why and instead tried to focus on the how… how he was going to get himself better. He honestly had no idea what to do or what to say, but he promised himself that in the morning, he'd speak to whoever he needed to and try to figure out a way out of this mess.
Then next morning, Jonathan was up early with a renewed sense of purpose. He got himself changed and was waiting at the nurse's station for his medication before it even opened. He sat down in the main room and waited for his breakfast. He had grabbed a therapeutic activities schedule from the table and looked at the different groups they offered. He made a mental note to attend every group he could and find time to speak to his psychiatrist and social worker. He was bound and determined to do whatever it took to get out of there.
After breakfast, he headed to the main room to join a group called 'Creative Coping.' He saw a large table with paper, markers, crayons, colored pencils and a bunch of other art supplies. The woman in the room introduced herself to Jonathan.
"Hi! My name is Patti! I'm the Art Therapist here on the unit! Welcome to the group! I'm glad you decided to join us today!" she said as she showed him into the room.
"So what is this group? Looks like my kindergarten classroom!" he chuckled.
"Sometimes it feels like that! This is the Art Therapy room. We use art to help express some of our thoughts and feelings when words sometimes aren't enough. Today we are actually using collage materials. Feel free to take a seat and we will get started soon" she said as she continued to set up. Soon, another six or seven people joined in the group.
"Good morning everyone! Welcome back to Creative Coping. Today we are going to use the collage materials. I have a bunch of magazines and precut words and images for you to choose from. I have glue and will come around and hand out the scissors" she said as she handed out the supplies. He was surprised they would allow scissors on the unit, especially with what had happened to him, but then again he figured with the two aides they figured he was safe. He almost laughed when he saw the kids' scissors that were handed to him; he couldn't have hurt himself with those if he tried.
"Okay everyone! Today's theme is pretty simple. I want you to make a collage about the word 'hope.' What does hope look like to you? What does it mean? When was the last time you felt hope? Feel free to use as many images and words as you like. We will have about thirty minutes to complete it before we have a discussion about it…" she said.
Jonathan just stared at the blank piece of paper in front of him. Hope? Hope! How could he possibly know what hope is? He decided he would flip through some magazines and see if anything jumped out at him. He went through four magazines, not finding anything. He was about to give up when he saw an image that caught his attention. He took the scissors and cut out the image. He ripped off part of the image and glued them both down to the center of the paper. He stared at the images until tears came to his eyes. He wiped them away as Patti brought the group to the discussion.
"So, would anyone like to share what they did? What they thought of the process?" she asked.
"I really enjoyed this! I love to collage! I found photos of birds because when I think of hope, I think of birds who can fly away from whatever they need to…" said one of the women.
"I put images of my grandchildren. I have hope that maybe they won't end up in a place like this…" said an older man. All of the other patients had a chance to share their work until it was Jonathan's turn.
"Jonathan… would you like to share?" asked Patti.
"I… I put an image of a family of four- a mom, dad, daughter and… son. I tore off the image of the son and put it off to the side. I… I have hope that one day the family will be back together again…" he said as he tried not to cry.
"Hope means a lot of different things to everyone. Some see hope in themselves, in other people, in the past or… in their future. Whatever you saw hope to be, it's going to be an integral part of your recovery. Hold on to that image of hope; when it seems like there is no hope left, think about this image. Even a glimmer of hope is something…" she said as she wrapped up the group.
Jonathan grabbed his image and headed back to his room. He put the image next to his bed and spent the next few minutes just staring back at it. A social worker he didn't recognize came into his room.
"Jonathan? Hi my name is Samantha and I'd like to take you to talk if you are up to it" she said. He simply nodded and followed her down a hallway to a door around the corner on the unit. She unlocked the door and brought him into the office, offering him a seat.
"So, I see they transferred you back up here last night. How are you feeling?" she asked as jotted down some notes.
"My arm is not hurting too bad. Otherwise I'm fine I guess…" he said.
"Do you still feel like hurting yourself?" she asked.
"No…" he said softly.
"So what do you feel like Jonathan? You've been pretty quiet the past few days" she said as she finally stopped writing and looked at Jonathan in the eyes.
"I… I don't know. Hopeless but hopeful. Scared I'm never going to get better but scared I'll get better and fail, spending the rest of my life in and out of hospitals. I'm worried I'm letting everyone down and will eventually push everyone I love away…" he said, tears now falling down his face.
"That's a lot to take in yourself Jonathan. I'm glad you are finally opening up about how you are feeling. Keeping it inside is only going to make it worse. We are going to keep meeting about how you are doing and feeling until you are discharged. The goal here is to help you learn as many positive cooing skills as possible and to learn how to manage the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. Once you are discharged, the real work begins, learning to re-engage with your life. Heading home, back to school, work, friends, family… it's going to be an adjustment but you will be able to do it" she said.
"Nothing is going to be the same! How can I possibly readjust?" he said, coming close to shouting at her.
"It's going to be hard Jonathan but you will do it. I see that your family is very involved with your care. Your mother Angela and stepfather Tony and stepsister…" she started to say as Jonathan chuckled.
"Samantha. Her name is Samantha…" he said as they both let out a laugh.
"Well that name I will remember! They all seem to be very involved. Lean on them and don't be afraid to tell them how you are really feeling" she said.
"What if what I'm feeling upsets them? What if they figure out I'm more trouble than it's worth…" he said sadly.
"Look… this is going to be a rough road for them too. Lots of ups and downs, questioning if they are helping or hurting. Just like this doesn't come with a manual on how to live with a mental illness, there isn't one for how to help a loved one deal either. It's going to be one day at a time. Is your biological father in the picture?" asked Samantha.
"No… he came to visit when I was still manic but it… it was too much for him I guess. He hasn't been back and I doubt he's coming back either. I'm not surprised… he's never been around long enough my entire life to be of any help or support. It's always been Tony since I was really little taking me under his wing, loving me like I was his own son…" he said.
"So how does it make you feel when you think of Tony as your dad?" she asked.
"I don't know…. He's just always been there for me. I, well we, wanted my mom and Tony to get married since practically day one! He was the housekeeper but we all knew he was much more than that and that they were in love with each other forever. It took them seven years to finally admit they loved each other and then they almost blew it… they broke up for two months. It was horrible for both of them but thankfully they got back together…" he said.
"How was it for you when they broke up?" she asked.
"How do you think it was? It was horrible seeing my mom so depressed for those two months! I barely saw Sam because it was too awkward and the only father figure in my life was gone. It was my worst nightmare come true…" he said as he wiped away some tears.
"What was your worst nightmare?" she said, continuing to encourage him to talk.
"Being rejected by my dad again! Being alone! First it was my dad who walked out on us, not once but twice! Then Tony left for Iowa and then left completely when they broke up. Now my dad leaves me again… it's just a matter of time before Tony leaves or worse… everyone leaves me…" he said as he was full on crying again. She gave him some time to compose himself as she handed him the box of tissues.
"Have you thought about letting them know how you feel? The fear of abandonment is real and can be worked through by working on building the communication skills within the family to help foster a feeling of belonging and support" she said.
"I don't know… I don't even know how to bring that up…" he said as his crying started to subside.
"All the answers don't have to be figured out right now. Let's put a pause in our conversation for now and pick it up tomorrow. Lunch should be served soon and then visiting hours will be shortly after that. If you need anything Jonathan, just reach out to staff, okay?" she asked.
"I will… thanks…" he said as he got up and headed back onto the unit and into his room. He collapsed onto his bed and was lost in his thoughts until they called him for lunch. He headed to the lunch room and took the tray of food. It didn't look horrible but he secretly hoped they brought him food again during their visit. Soon, lunch was over and visiting hours started. He waited patiently near the door as he watched Angela, Tony and Mona walk on the unit.
"Hi sweetheart! How are you? How did you sleep?" asked Angela.
"Not too bad…" he said as they walked into the visiting room.
"That's good! Here, we brought you some snacks!" said Tony as he handed him some of his favorites.
"Thanks Tony! Lunch wasn't horrible but this will be good!" he chuckled as he opened up a bag of chips.
"So did you have a chance to meet with anyone today?" asked Angela cautiously, not wanting to pry too much.
"I actually attended a group this morning and met with the social worker… baby steps I guess…" he said as he kept eating.
"That's great buddy! We are so proud of you! I know it's not going to be easy but remember we are always going to be here for you…" said Tony as he put his hand on Jonathan's arm.
"Yeah… it's going to be a long road I think…" he said.
"Just like Tony said, we are going to be here for you, always…" said Angela as she reached over and put her hand on top of Jonathan's. He looked down at their joined hands and smiled, hoping that one day he would actually fully believe it.