CHAPTER 23: Worming Your Way Back to My Heart

In the morning, Gaara touched sleepy Kankuro's cheeks, and lifted them up, making him look like he was smiling. It got Gaara to chuckle, and he did it again.

"You're nice. I like you," he confessed.

"I like you too," Kankuro yawned, and let his brother toy with him like this. "Boop. I got your nose."

"Hey, give it back!" Gaara got frightened, as if his brother had really stolen it.

"Here you go," Kankuro said, and booped his nose again. "It's all back there now."

"That was mean," Gaara told warily. Kankuro smiled at him.

"Why don't you boop my nose as well. Then, we'll be even."

"Okay," Gaara smiled back, and did as he was told. It got his anxiety to calm down as well.

"Come on. Let's get up. What if I make us pancakes?" Kankuro suggested.

"You're cool," Gaara got excited, and hopped off the bed.

After some encouragement from Kankuro, Gaara felt brave enough to head back home.

When he arrived, the apartment was empty. So, Naruto was still at Hinata's. The idea made him sad. While he was still alone, Gaara tried to recall the conversation he had had with his brother. He had attacked Naruto. It had to do with a fear that Naruto would leave him. And he liked Naruto a lot, and the idea of him leaving was soul-crushing.

After a few hours, Naruto called him.

"Hi," Gaara picked it up, smiling in relief.

"Hello," the blond responded, and it sounded like he wasn't feeling as happy.

"Are you coming home?" Gaara wondered, excited, feverish.

"About that. Can we talk, like, over the phone? I'm not feeling too well," Naruto confessed.

"Oh… I guess that's alright," Gaara sighed, disappointed. "I was looking forward to seeing you though. To have you back home."

The line was silent for a few moments, before Naruto spoke.

"Look, I… I don't feel well. I'm sorry. I'm… I was thinking that I might be staying here this weekend, and the next week, if that's okay?"

"Why?" Gaara frowned and gripped one of the pillows on the couch.

"I said I'm not feeling well," Naruto repeated, sounding frustrated. "I'm sorry!"

"Alright," Gaara snapped, feeling the frustration. "If you need it, it's alright. I want only the best for you."

"Thanks," Naruto sighed.

The kids were squealing something unintelligible in the background, and then Hinata's soothing voice was talking to them. It sounded like a family again. Gaara felt like he was slipping away into a void, again.

"Na-Naruto…" he gasped, as he realized something.

"I… was frightened you would leave me. So, I got defensive. And that defensiveness turned into an attack. It wasn't right. Now I see it was a twisted attempt to prevent you from leaving, but it worked in the opposite way, of course," Gaara murmured bitterly. "When I tried to keep you from leaving, I only managed to push you away."

"Well… glad you see it now," Naruto said uneasily. "Look, um… I need some time to let this all sink. I feel like my head explodes. Gaara, I love you. Please give me some time."

"Okay," Gaara whispered, and swallowed the anxiety that was about to surface.

Gaara had packed all his belongings. Two duffel bags and a plastic bag of hygiene products.

He pondered if he should go to Baki's place, and carpool with him to work every weekday. Maybe all he needed was a safe father-figure now. But he didn't feel like letting him know how majestically he had screwed things up with Naruto. With a sigh, Gaara scratched that plan off.

Then again, he could always head back home, to Kankuro. But what if his brother thought he was a weak loser?

With a frustrated sigh, Gaara threw the bags to the floor and slid down against the wall, covering his eyes.

In the end, he decided to stay there, even if it would mean spending days alone. Maybe his brother needed a break from him as well. He had a feeling he had been burdening him a lot over the past months.

Maybe it would do him good as well, to spend a moment just by himself.

He lay on the couch and closed his eyes. Inside himself, he saw a timeworn, tall house that was dissected like a dollhouse. One day, it had just appeared to him without anyone's permission, and now he couldn't get it out of his inner vision. Maybe it was more like a tower, than a house, Gaara wondered.

On the top floor, just under the pointed roof, there lived two happy kids with her. They were gazing out of the window into a sunlit scenery that was visible only from their point of view, happy and innocent and unaware. Gaara smiled at the sight.

The middle of the house was an empty room no one seemed to live in, with two photos on the wall. Even if he squinted, he couldn't make out what they were about. There were stairs leading to the top floor, and to downstairs as well. Earlier, the middle floor had been sealed shut with boards, but now Gaara noticed that trespassing was being allowed. Gaara frowned. He was getting a feeling of insanity again. With a sigh, he moved past it.

On the basement floor, there lived Modo and Vinnie. They sat on the floor, constantly vigilant in their ascetic room. They were looking at him. They always were.

Unnerved, Gaara glanced at the dark lawn on the yard, and the metallic stairs that led into black water on the pool. Gaara shivered, wanting to run. The water… he knew what lived in there, and whenever he imagined swimming in the water, great panic would fill him. The things that lived underwater… he never wanted to see them. They frightened him to the core. But more than that, he was horrified by who there was.

Never had he feared anything more in his life than the boy who lived in the black water. The boy looked like himself, when he was a preteen, and he had black hair that was always wet. Usually, the boy was under the surface, diving in the depths with eerie calmness.

Still frightened, Gaara could recall that one time when the boy had risen to the surface, and begun climbing up the metallic stairs, with a horrifying, empty smile on his face. The boy had filled up his whole body, taken control, if that was what had happened, and looked through his eyes, like it was his body.

Gaara remembered feeling absolutely no fear back then, when the boy was there, when he was the boy. The boy had been completely fearless, willing to hurt others just because he could, and the disturbing amusement he seemed to get out of it. The things… the things the boy had seen, had lived through… Gaara felt dizzy, he remembered how the boy had felt… The complete lack of emotion frightened him, like his soul was shattered so badly it had stopped bleeding altogether.

The boy would undoubtedly hurt him and others, Gaara knew. He had felt the boy's energy from time to time, and it was the most frightening sensation he remembered experiencing. Small spot inside his psyche that had been stabbed dry from humane sensibility, swallowing him head first.

Gaara shivered, and breathed out calmly, trying to speak to his inner world.

Look, everyone. I love you all. And I want to know you all. You've done an amazing job in keeping me safe. I'm grateful. Let me help you as well. I need to know who you are. I know you all must be stressed out. Tell me what you need from me. If you just spring into action when I'm overwhelmed, I can't help you.

With that said, Gaara listened. He didn't get a response, but a sense of calmness took him over. Again, he remembered how the Good Modo had been exhausted by taking care of the children within. Trying to mimic his actions, Gaara imagined taking the kids to a safe place, to their imaginary, safe parents, and then he imagined playing with them for as long as they would like.

Hours went on like that. When he finally opened his eyes, he realized the sun had set, and the light from the streetlamps was flooding in.

Maybe losing Naruto isn't the end.

Gaara perked up. What was that idea?

Maybe you need a break from him as well.

Getting a feeling of insanity again, Gaara hugged his knees on the couch, as he sat there in the darkness.

And maybe your brother needs a moment when he doesn't have to take care of you. He was like a caregiver to you since you were kids, do you remember?

Gaara nodded.

He was there for you, when your parents couldn't. They were unreliable. And Baki couldn't be everywhere at once.

"Yeah," Gaara agreed, until he realized he was talking to no one, and hung his head in shame.

You're an adult now. You can do it. You can take care of yourself. And if they doubt you, you can ask them to step back, and tell them you got it under control, and that you will tend to their needs as soon as you can.

"Really?" Gaara wondered aloud again. "I can do that?"

Yes, you can.

"Thanks," Gaara murmured, feeling a lot more peaceful.

The week went by surprisingly fast. At work, Gaara thrived and felt calm and energetic. Living in the city didn't feel like a prison anymore but liberating. As the familiar anxiety was bubbling inside, he tended to it as soon as he could in the moment. He imagined taking care of the kids, so that the Good Modo wouldn't always have to, and that he could enjoy life as well.

With people, he tried setting reasonable boundaries better than before, so that she wouldn't get the feverish need to exceed everyone's expectations, leading to her getting exhausted, and then resulting in the Bad Modo to threaten them.

It was exhausting, and he sometimes succeeded in his attempts, sometimes not. And sometimes he felt like he was going backwards, when he should be making progress.

It was Friday, when Naruto's key rasped in the lock. Expectantly, Gaara went to greet him.

"I've missed you," Gaara breathed before the blond could say anything, and worried if he was once again being too smothering and intense. "But I had a great time alone," he added, and now Naruto looked hurt. Great.

"I didn't mean it to sound like that," Gaara rambled, and crossed his arms protectively. By now, it wouldn't be surprising if Naruto hated him, and wanted him to leave. Thankfully, his belongings were already packed.

"I've missed you, too," Naruto admitted with a sad little smile. He looked around. No doubt this had to be a striking contrast to the house with Hinata and the lively kids. The sadness in his eyes didn't lessen.

"I can leave, if you want," Gaara suggested, not wanting to be a burden.

Naruto frowned, like he didn't understand. "Where would you go?"

Gaara shrugged. "I have places."

"Please, stay," Naruto sighed.

Panic was filling up Gaara as the blond was now there, and he needed to connect with him, address his feelings, respond to them accordingly, and make sure Naruto would never abandon him. No, that would be smothering! He would allow Naruto to leave, wouldn't he? In fact, maybe it would be better to leave him right away, before Naruto could do it first. No, now he was being avoidant again, and it was unhealthy as well.

He was awful with people, wasn't he? No wonder if Naruto, and now Hinata as well, hated him. Maybe their kids hated him too, why wouldn't they? It was starting to look reasonable to leave, and never come back. What could he even offer, except bruises and tears? And an occasional roll in the hay. Wow, he was a dream deal, wasn't he? God, people had to hate him for sure.

The need to escape was getting stronger. The sadness in Naruto's eyes wasn't helping. Maybe he should apologize again, kiss his feet, and worship the ground he walked on? Or maybe he should cut himself, to show him he was being punished for his crimes. Maybe do it in front of Naruto, so that the blond would know he got what he deserved? Or maybe not.

If he went to the balcony to have a smoke, he could jump down, and luckily, snap his neck when meeting the ground. Okay, that would be Plan B, now Plan A was to talk to Naruto.

"Is this over? Between us, I mean. I wouldn't blame you, I would totally get it, and in fact—"

"No," Naruto cut him off, frowning. "You hurt me. You apologized and realized it was wrong. You promised you'd never do it again. So, I'm here."

Gaara looked at him in silence. Of course, Naruto would be logical like that. And in this very moment, Gaara could agree with that logical train of thought. He could swear he would be the most perfect law-abiding spouse the world had ever seen. Until the next crisis would land. What would he do, then? If he told them to step back, would they? And would he even have time to ask them to retreat, before they would take over?

"I've tried to work with my issues," Gaara informed.

It got Naruto to smile. "That's amazing."

"Did you like living with them?" Gaara wondered, with a cryptical look.

Naruto turned away and began unpacking his duffel bag. He spoke with his back turned to him.

"Well, it was different, you know?"

Gaara looked away as well. So, Naruto had hated to come here, and would've loved to stay with his ex-wife and kids?

"Why don't you move in with them?" the redhead wondered. "It would be easier. And the kids would enjoy it."

Now Naruto turned to look at him, but it was not without sadness. "What are you saying, Gaara?"

"I'm saying that all those years we've known, you know me through and through, Naruto. I will blow smoke to your face. Burn you with cigarettes. I like to cut myself. You've felt the violence," Gaara growled, until he caught himself. With his inner voice, he asked this protective part of him to step back and told it that he could take care of this.

With an oddly empty feeling, Gaara looked in Naruto's horrified blue eyes again, and sighed.

"Look, forget that. I feel scared that you might not truly want to be with me. Sometimes I feel compelled to drive you away, before you can hurt me again," Gaara explained.

"That… That frightens me," Naruto whispered, the sadness ten-folding in his eyes. "That side of you. Before, I didn't mind about it. I believed you wouldn't hurt me. That I was special to you, and you would spare me. That you would treat me differently, protect me, even. But then you…"

Gaara hugged him gently, and the scent of tobacco and coffee seeping from him was mixing up with the classy perfume Naruto was wearing.

"There, there. I will protect you, my love," Gaara murmured. "I won't let anyone hurt you anymore."

"I wish I could really trust that's true," Naruto sobbed. "I want to believe you, Gaara. You're the love of my life. I've… I've given up everything to be with you. How can you still doubt me?"

Gaara dried the tears on Naruto's face and gazed at him softly. "It's hard for me to understand why a successful, handsome man like you would choose a worm like me over everybody else."

"A worm? Gaara…" Naruto sighed. "No one else makes my heart pound like you. I don't get that pleasant rush of energy with anyone else. Ever since high school, I've been secretly dreaming of us. And my heart broke, when you had a fiancée back then."

"We weren't engaged, it was just a… whatever," Gaara gave up. It was difficult to believe that someone like Naruto would really want a lowly rat like him. "I always thought you'd end up with a beautiful wife and a dream-like life. And you did. For a while, at least."

"No, I'm still living the dream," Naruto assured.

Gaara felt his eyes getting wet. Lately, he'd felt like all he could give Naruto was nightmares. How could Naruto still want him?

"You remember that orphan crow you mothered in high school?" Naruto reminded him with a small smile. "It got marked on you, and it slept in that shed you have next to your house. You put a radiator in there so that it would stay warm during winter. And when you walked to school, it would follow you from afar, and when you came back home, it landed on your shoulder."

"Yeah, I remember Shukaku," Gaara smiled.

"And when I was bringing flowers to my parents' grave, you asked if you could bring some as well," Naruto smiled wistfully. "And last month, you sewed all the missing buttons back into my pants and jackets, without me even asking."

"Ah, it was really nothing," Gaara blushed.

"This is why I like you. You're sweet and caring," Naruto murmured, and kissed him.

That night, Gaara felt his promiscuous side surface. Maybe it had to do with how it had been awakened and then rejected at Kankuro's place, or maybe it had nothing to do with it, but now that he felt the fervor coursing through his veins, he didn't let it go to waste.

Naruto was all out of breath, as they lay on the bed after a moment of passion. His face was flushed and peaceful.

"T-That was amazing," Naruto breathed. "So much better than—"

His words died and his face lost color. Gaara looked at him quizzically.

"Better than what?"

Naruto shook his head and covered his face with his hands. "Better than the fight we had." He kept his eyes closed for some time, he looked agitated.

"Yeah, this was better than that," Gaara agreed.