Steve doesn't remember getting to the jet nor the taking off. He doesn't remember it because his mind had stayed at his apartment, thinking about what could happen with him and Bucky once he comes back. He catches himself smiling slightly and straightens his expression, reminding himself what they're about to do.
So far, the plan sounds easy: get to the helicarriers and replace the chips that would assure HYDRA wouldn't get rid of their long list of enemies in a few seconds. Steve has enough experience—with HYDRA and missions—to know something will definitely not go as planned and he has to be ready for every outcome. But it doesn't matter, it's what his mind thinks. It doesn't matter because he will deal with every possible outcome so he can return home.
His body is stiff, his jaw locked, and his shoulder is on fire. They're taking him and he can see his feet dragging along the floor. His mind is static, blank, foggy. It's like a morning in a snowy forest.
That didn't make sense.
The thought fades away.
He moves and tries to look around, but it seems a bad decision because there is suddenly an electric current whipping through his body and he feels his muscles seize up, his scream catch in his throat.
He hears voices and then they fade along with everything else.
Maria is explaining one more time how the chips work and where and how they have to be placed. He's got this, Steve wants to assure her and Fury, but he knows how critical this is and he decides not to mirror Tony's flippant behavior.
"Is it so much to ask you to act as if you're interested?" Fury questions with a side glance, his tone as flippant as Tony's posture.
Tony raises his head from his phone and pockets it. He directs a broad smile at Fury and it feels sharper than any comment he could have made. His feet stay on the table.
Steve waits for the debriefing to end, his fingers itching for his shield and his legs bouncing with impatience.
He wants to get out of this gloomy room and he wants something useful to do.
Metal bands enclose his face. They are cold and for a second he doesn't understand why this surprises him; metal is supposed to be cold.
It doesn't really matter, he thinks when there's a mouthpiece introduced between his teeth and he instinctively bites on it. It doesn't matter because he's rapidly forgetting everything that confused him a minute ago, everything that could cause a mission to fail.
His body trashes and his screams are once again the symphony while his brain is burned.
"Was that speech off the top of your head or something you made up in the jet?" Tony says as Steve finishes speaking. Steve tries to smile but the muscles on his face feel frozen. People are going to get hurt—going to die, and there's nothing he can do about it.
He steps away from the console and takes a deep breath. Tony looks at him with hard eyes now. They nod and walk away together.
A man hands him a gun and a woman is strapping a knife to his thigh.
"Man, he can't even do it himself," she mutters under her breath, but he hears her. She straps another knife as a strand of grey hair slips from her ponytail.
"You better shut up," the man mutters back, and he's handed another gun as he holsters the first one. It feels almost alien in his hands but that is not possible; the Asset is HYDRA's weapon and his missions have always needed the use of a gun or similar firearms.
"What I mean is that they put his brain through a blender," she hisses this time. He sees movement from the corner of his eye but the Asset keeps looking forth.
"What, you suddenly developed a consciousness?" the man asks with a smirk.
He hears a snort and a laugh. "No, but they could've fucked him up for good and we already have Captain America and Iron Man on our asses. We need the Winter Soldier."
There is silence for a moment while the Asset is being readied. "Captain America is already at HQ, so we had to wipe him quickly."
"Yeah," she drawls as she finishes with the straps around his torso. He tries to catch her eyes but it's like he isn't even there. "And now he doesn't know how to blink and walk at the same time."
The man laughs. "Let's just hope he doesn't fall on one of his own knives."
The woman looks at the Asset for a long second. The Asset looks her in the eye and for an instant believes he finds something there… maybe recognition. He's about to open his mouth and ask something
(do I have)
(do I also have a)
(he can't remember what was the question)
when the woman bursts into laughter.
Iron Man lets him fall in the helicarrier and flies away without a word. Steve doesn't miss a moment and sprints through the bridge. He switches the chips. It's fast and it's easy, so easy that he doesn't even think it's incongruous.
"Alpha locked," he informs the rest of the team.
"Iron Man, where are you now?" Maria questions.
"Uh," Steve hears Tony's unsure voice come through the comm. He doesn't sound worried. "Bravo locked but I lost Hawkeye."
"Excuse me?" Maria asks with incredulity clear in her voice. Steve can picture her expression and he makes an effort not to snort.
Steve hears an explosion, one he can also hear through the comm.
"Forget that. Think I found him."
Steve looks outside the helicarrier and believes he sees a red blur gliding through the sky. He makes his way to the top of the helicarrier.
"Charlie Carrier's forty-five degrees off the port bow," Maria says. He hears gunshots from her end. "Six minutes."
This has to end now, Steve thinks. He's ashamed that his motivation isn't only saving people's lives. If he does this right, he'll be going back home soon.
Steve runs with this thought in his mind as infiltrated HYDRA agents are shooting at his back and he asks Tony for a ride. He jumps from the helicarrier, air rushing through his ears. His heart is beating like crazy against his chest, but the fall isn't the only reason.
I'll be home soon. Everything will be alright when I'm finally home.
Tony catches him and Steve feels the air leave his lungs all at once—his ribs are bound to be bruised.
"I had to leave Clint alone so you wouldn't turn yourself into a human nuke," Tony grumbles before they land on the last helicarrier.
"He'll manage," Steve says, trusting Clint's competence.
The two Avengers are making their way to the inside of the helicarrier (just a little longer) when Steve notices Tony isn't following him anymore. He stops and looks back; Tony's stock-still, one hand going to his helmet and then back to his side.
"Tony, we don't have time," he shouts to make himself heard, but Tony doesn't seem to react. Steve runs back to his side. "Tony, what the hell—"
An armored hand is raised and Steve shuts up. He understands now: Tony is speaking with J.A.R.V.I.S. He waits for a few moments but his heart threatens to burst through his chest. "What?" Steve asks, voice imbued with urgency.
Tony's helmet opens up and Steve can finally see his brow furrowed with worry and confusion. "I'm not sure, I…" He falls silent, one finger to his ear as if he's listening intently. "I think someone hacked J.A.R.V.I.S."
Steve doesn't understand for a second and he just stares at Tony with a perplexed expression. Then it downs on him and he grabs Tony's armored shoulder without meaning to. "Tony!" Steve doesn't know what to say after that. He feels himself turn white and for a second he's sure he's going to fall—through the helicarrier, through the earth.
"What is going on in the Tower?" Steve manages to ask. Swallowing is difficult and his throat is dry as sand.
Tony is silent for a few seconds, eyes glued to the ground and one hand raised as if to keep Steve quiet. "Longing... Rusted..." he mumbles but Steve manages to catch the words.
"What the fuck is that?" Steve fears he's going to pierce through the shoulder plate.
"Furnace... Daybreak..."
"Tony!" Steve shakes him this time, metal armor clanking.
"Someone is repeating those words, okay? My suit is translating them from Russian." Tony finally looks at him and he seems annoyed. But Steve knows better; he's worried. "I don't know what they mean but it's the only thing that's coming to the suit. I can't contact J.A.R.V.I.S.—not properly."
Steve looks at Tony with a horror he can't mask.
"HYDRA," Steve says through numb lips and Tony doesn't need to say anything for Steve to know they've reached the same conclusion.
"There's no time to go back, Steve," it's the first thing he says and Steve wants to punch him—he knows Tony is right but he still wants to punch him for what it implies.
"You can go back," Steve says, almost pleading. He knows he sounds like a little kid and he also knows it won't happen, too many lives at stake. "I'll switch the last chip and you can fly back to the Tower and make sure he's alright."
Tony looks at him and for a second Steve thinks he's going to do it. Tony's expression turns into one of pity and regret. "You know we can't do that, Cap."
"And the recording the suit's transmitting is more than an hour old," Tony says with remorse.
The need to punch leaves him and Steve is sure he's going to crumble. Tony places a hand on Steve's arm, perhaps aware of his friend's state of mind. "We'll finish here and we'll find him, Steve."
"Someone better take care of Rumlow; he's headed for the Council," Maria informs them. Steve catches a note of discomfort and remembers that by now everyone must know what's happened at the Tower, or at least the gist of it.
"Impossible," Clint speaks through the comms. Steve can make out firing and explosions on his end. He feels a knot in his stomach when his thoughts turn in Natasha's and Clint's direction.
"I'll handle him," Tony says, and he's gone in a second, leaving Steve with another knot forming in his stomach.
Steve doesn't let himself think twice and heads to the inside of the helicarrier even when his mind is pulling him in a different direction, a different purpose. He doesn't trust himself right now.
It feels like a dream, like wading through molasses. Steve's legs move and he's aware of HYDRA agents firing at him—the next moment he's knocking them down. He's inside the flying beast, monochromatic and shiny. Steve's moving through the dream, he's jumping over railings, getting deeper, but inside his head… oh inside his head bad things are happening.
It's like an old movie produced by his own imagination. The movie is about him and Bucky, but it's set in the 20s, the 30s, the 40s… their right time. In this movie they meet—they meet because it's what should have happened. Bucky lived in Brooklyn, just like Steve, they probably had people in common. They fought in the same war, had the same team… Steve was in the place where Bucky was taken by HYDRA. In this black and white movie, they grow up together, they fight in the war side by side, they survive…
Them meeting now, Steve thinks, must be the universe righting itself. And if that is the case, then Steve will find Bucky once he's finished here and he will bring him home. Whatever it takes.
Steve is so focused on this one thought, this one goal, that he forgets about where he is and doesn't stop when he reaches the bridge. There's a dark form blocking his way a few feet away and he almost throws his shield at it until he catches the glint of metal. It feels like he's fused to the ground under his boots, the oxygen is sucked out of his lungs…
At first, Steve's brain doesn't correctly process what—who is in front of him; the metal arm throws him off. The metal arm, the Kevlar, the weapons… It's been so long since Steve's seen him like this. The eyes must be the most unsettling of the changes.
"Buck." His voice is uncertain because he's saying the name as if Bucky is going to answer. There's still hope inside Steve's chest, some naïve part of him that wants to believe Bucky's followed him to Washington to watch his six.
But it means something that Bucky is right here, in the last helicarrier, blocking Steve's way to the last chip. And he's looking at Steve through strands of dirty hair, looking at him like he's nothing more than an obstacle to be surmounted to complete a mission.
"Do you know who I am?" He takes a tentative half-step forward. Bucky makes an efficient movement with his hand to take the gun strapped to his thigh, his eyes not leaving Steve and the rest of his body not shifting an inch from its position. Steve feels a chill run up his spine at the impassive and unwavering expression on Bucky's face.
There's fear stirring inside him, deep and powerful. Steve's afraid Bucky will shoot him, making him fall to his death, and then Bucky will stay like this forever. Steve's afraid he will have to fight and that he'll be the one to land the final blow.
He feels weak at the thought, nauseated at the very real possibility.
This was supposed to be quick, he thinks. I was going to come back to you.
Steve breathes through his nose, back straightening and fingers tightening around the leather strap of the shield. He reminds himself what Captain America was made for, who he fights for and protects.
"People are gonna die, Buck." He's ashamed that it's also a reminder for himself. He takes a shaky breath, palms sweating inside his gloves. "I can't let that happen."
There is no reaction and the little hope inside Steve evaporates. It hurts on its way out.
"Please, don't make me do this." The words escape him, and Steve isn't sure who he's begging; maybe Bucky, maybe the universe, maybe himself. If he could just stop being Captain America, stop being the icon everyone expects to sacrifice his life for the greater good. His life he would put down, but this time the world is asking for something he's not sure he can deliver.
Nothing comes from Bucky. He doesn't blink, doesn't flinch at Steve's words or tone.
He's not Bucky anymore, Steve reminds himself as if it will make it easier. That's the Winter Soldier. That's the man that almost killed Natasha. Almost killed Sam.
Steve can't make himself move. The man in front of him waits patiently.
Sam is in a coma right now because of him.
It's not enough, not after knowing the Winter Soldier is another one of HYDRA's victims, probably one of the victims they've made suffer the most. It won't work now that he keeps his memories with Bucky inside his chest. Close and safe.
Steve looks at the Soldier now and forces himself to remember their previous fights. He remembers the rage he felt, remembers his astonishment and his helplessness. He'd looked at the Soldier's detached eyes and believed it was caused by indifference. Now he tries not to imagine what Bucky must have gone through just hours before their first encounter. How long did Bucky spend frozen before they needed the Soldier?
Now they've taken him again. They've taken Bucky from his safe place. They've dressed him in combat clothes, given him a gun, strapped a knife to his thigh, and pointed him in the right direction, like a dog. And they've been doing this for decades.
Never again.
The thought is like a punch to his core and a different emotion takes over Steve.
He throws the shield.
The Soldier doesn't feel anything when he sees his mission. Nothing steers in his stomach; nothing comes forward in his mind. He stays really still and quiet, waiting for the mission to make the first move.
The nothingness in his brain stands out. It's like a staircase missing a step or like… your brain missing a piece. It feels like a void and a wound at the same time.
The man talks to him and makes pauses like he's expecting an answer. He calls the Soldier Buck and that makes his head hurt. The wound is being stretched and the void opens up. The Soldier's left eye pulses.
By the time the mission pleads, the Soldier is ready to just shoot him. His head is about to split into two; it only makes sense that his does too. The Soldier is almost grateful when the shield is thrown towards him; it gives him something to do and a reason not to think about the void inside his skull.
His body moves fluently with every punch and kick the mission throws. The Soldier is a fast learner but it's almost as if he's done this before. It feels like a reenactment and after a moment he realizes they both know each other's movements. But they told him this is the first time he was going to meet the mission. It was all so fast and painful that they didn't even tell him his mission's name. It doesn't matter now—it never does—but it makes the void wider and the headache intensifies. His shoulder hurts more than usual and the burning sensation makes the cold stand out.
The man gets away for a second, headed towards the chips, and alerts blare inside the Soldier's head, eclipsing everything else.
The mission.
He cannot fail. The Soldier was sent here to kill the man in blue, but he was also commended to stop the man from tampering with the chips. If the man is killed after…
There is no room for failure and no time to study the ice that shoots through his veins at the idea of what could happen if the Soldier does something wrong. Next time he has an opening, the Soldier pushes the knife with renewed force and his arm recalibrates as he holds the shield away.
It doesn't work. The man in blue kicks him away and turns back towards the chips. The Soldier feels like screaming. He won't fail his mission. He won't be reeducated because of this one guy that believes empathy and lies are going to fool The Asset.
He screams as they fall, and he groans and pants as they keep exchanging blows. He's frustrated—he wants to land just one hit, one hit that will get him down. But he's the one who falls after a kick to the legs and the Soldier feels like he's losing it. He wants to kill this man.
With the shield in his own hand, the Soldier launches it with as much force as he can and doesn't waste any time before he's shooting at the man in blue. He wants to scream when he doesn't hit his mark once. His vision swims. He can almost feel his body jerking in The Chair, his metal arm secured in place and his shoulder feeling like it's going to be ripped any second now.
You have to die. The thought is feral and desperate and makes its way to the forefront of his mind. It feels like a victory when his knife finds flesh and the next second he has the chip in his hand.
The Soldier lets out another scream when his arm is broken. He screams with pain and frustration and fear. He wants to scream "stop it" too. But he never does. He has to finish this one mission so he will see the next one.
Let it be like this, it's the sudden thought that invades his mind when the man in blue has him in a chokehold and he's feeling the lack of oxygen. He trashes trying to get out, but the man is as strong as him.
Please let it be like this and not in The Chair, The Soldier thinks when everything starts to be tinted black. He doesn't know where the thought comes from. Not in a cell underground. Let it be him.
It doesn't stick. The Soldier gets up with a clear vision and blank mind, the gun so close it's like someone has strategically put it there for him. And he shoots. Thigh. One more time. Shoulder.
The Soldier takes a moment to blink the black spots from his eyes and to breathe while he watches the man climb up. He's getting closer to the panel, even with two bullets in his body. He needs to not miss this time. It's his last opportunity to make this right.
The man is mere inches from the system. The Soldier aims and breathes steadily. Shoots. Stomach. He ignores the flaring pain that ignites in his head and makes sure the man has fallen away from the panel.
He never backs down, though. The Soldier knows this somehow and feels like laughing when he finally fails his mission.
Three bullet wounds and you still won't stay down.
He's fucked, those are the facts. The Soldier feels the urge to scream and punch and break, be it the helicarrier or the man in blue. He's not getting out of this one unscathed and his broken arm and busted face cannot compare to what will be waiting for him once he has to return to HYDRA. After all this time, after all the missions… this one guy is who makes him fail.
He's frozen in place and he looks down, at the world under his feet, under the glass.
Let it be him, he recalls the thought, the one that had flowed into his head unsought, but as natural as a river or a breeze. The void is swallowing him now and his head hurts and he knows him. He doesn't know how or when but it's the only thing that makes sense at this point. He knows this man and it's painful and a hindrance and it's what's going to get him finally killed.
The place shakes violently as the Soldier hears numerous explosions go off. He's thrown against the floor, head hitting the glass and ears ringing. A moment later he's pinned down. There's fire and it feels like he's waking up from a nightmare—heart in his throat, skin damp, the certainty that something horrible has just happened. The nightmare is this. He didn't complete the mission.
The Soldier struggles under the heavy metal. His left shoulder burns in such a way he doesn't know how his uniform hasn't caught on fire yet. The broken arm isn't doing much better, but he can feel some of the bones realigning.
There weren't any orders to deliver the man's body to HYDRA, he realizes while trashing under the rubber.
The second thought is that he knows this man—the Soldier is sure of this—which means that he's already fought against him and didn't kill him. HYDRA must've known this, and they still sent him here, with no orders to deliver the dead body as proof.
I gotta get out of here.
The Soldier trashes, sure that something is really wrong but afraid to find out what exactly.
(Is it my head? Did HYDRA know? Is that why they sent me here? Can't they fix me?)
One thing he does know and is that he doesn't want to die. With this new revelation in mind, the Soldier hears someone crash to the floor near him. He watches as the man with the shield nears him, one arm covering the stomach wound the Soldier caused. Trapped and helpless, the Soldier knows why he's coming. It's happened before; after he hits a technician while thawing or after The Chair, or the times when he has hit back during his reconditioning.
He grunts in his effort to make the rubble move and tries one last effort when the other man staggers and falls. It won't budge and he's starting to feel dizzy. If he could just scream until his throat was raw, but that would be a waste of energy.
The unthinkable happens when the man with the shield helps him with the rubble. The Soldier doesn't think about the reason behind his actions, he just struggles out of the debris, broken arm against his chest. The Soldier chances a look, head hurting with this new variable. Does he want to fight? Finish the Soldier with his own hands?
But the man does something worse and decides to open his mouth. "You know me," he says but to the Soldier's ears it's like nails on a chalkboard. He only remembers this morning after The Chair and his training at HYDRA's hands for the past eternity.
He makes this known to the other man with a scream and a blow to the face. It's all lies. There must be an error in his programming. He must be malfunctioning. There has to be a logical explanation and it cannot be that he knows the man.
But he says the name again. Bucky. It's painful and for a second there isn't anything solid under his feet. You know me. He's losing his mind. He has to make him shut up. He's scaring the Soldier.
But he won't stay down.
"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."
He's scaring the Soldier.
(what was there before the programming)
"SHUT UP!"
It feels liberating and painful. It feels like something he's wanted to scream for a long time.
SHUT UP.
STOP.
PLEASE DON'T.
WHO…
WHERE…
WHY. WHY. WHY.
He's going to die, he realizes as the helicarrier falls. It's not going to be a bullet
(was there a time when my skin wouldn't knit itself back together moments after being opened?)
and it's not going to be HYDRA; it's going to be his own brain and this heavy confusion. It's going to be the blond man who's taking his helmet off—face broken by the Soldier's knuckles—and states he's not going to fight him. He lets go of the shield, the only weapon he has left, and it falls away.
"You're my friend."
(do weapons have friends?)
(did I…)
(did I have friends before…)
(before what?)
(he's too scared to know, too scared of what will happen if he doesn't find the answer)
The man must die.
But he's lost certainty.
"You're my mission," the Asset states, a reminder to his own shambles of a brain. He won't be tricked. He will live. "You're my mission."
The man under his fist doesn't make any attempts to fight back, just as he promised. He hears something crack under his knuckles.
"You don't have to do this, Bucky," he mumbles through bloody lips and the Soldier's fist falters for a moment. "It's okay." He doesn't let himself think as the fist comes down again.
Each punch should be gratifying, a reminder that he's winning, that he's doing what he was made for. But on the inside, everything is crumbling, and the Soldier is sure that if he gets away from the man he will fall and be lost forever.
"YOU'RE. MY. MISSION." It's just one last attempt to regain some semblance of order, of sense. How did this one man unravel all of HYDRA's work in a matter of a few minutes? Did he use his own trigger words?
Every hit hurts like the other man is hitting right back, but thinking about stopping… that one is an old and learned pain—it runs deep into his psyche.
"Then finish it." The Soldier freezes, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. His ribs must be broken, like his arm, and the metal one feels like it's about to fall off. "Because I've finally found you."
The Soldier grips the blue uniform as the man's head hangs over the edge. There's a white star under his palm and he can feel a pulse beneath it. "And I'm with you 'till the end of the line."
He means something, the Soldier realizes too late as he stares down at the beaten face. He can feel his heartbeat stop and then pick up. It all falls quiet but for his own erratic breathing. The man means something to the Soldier, something more than programming, more than protocols, more than briefings.
Did I have a ma? Did I have friends? What was I before?
The man feels like an answer and not a question. Only if he…
The glass breaks and the man falls. The Soldier hangs from a metal beam but it feels like he's following him, down into the murky waters.
As he falls, Steve is certain he's not going to see Bucky again. The belief is solidified as the current pulls him, as the darkness gulps him down. The sun loses its brightness, the sky disappears. Steve's not sure it matters anymore; the whole world could implode and it wouldn't make any difference at this moment in time.
The edges turn darker and his breath bubbles up, looking for the surface, the light.
As a last prayer directed at God, the Universe, and everything else, Steve asks not to be found this time. He's tired. He doesn't want the bullseye on his back, the icon on his chest—doesn't want to lose people and be the last one standing.
He's looking to make sure he breathes. He's looking at the reds, the blues, and the yellows.
Steve.
He wants to reach out—not only to save but to feel that he's real. This is not a dream, not a hallucination. Neither was the last week.
This is Steve, he thinks as if the knowledge will leave him any second.
This is Steve and I did this to him.
He keeps staring, body feeling heavy, metal arm pulling him down. He wants to give in to the pain and the fear. The cold.
He's always going to be HYDRA's; this is proof. A few words and a minute later he's… he's killing. Or trying to.
I saved him.
He was so close to land the final blow, but he didn't. Just like before.
Who are you? was what Sam Wilson had asked so long ago.
It had been a question filled with confusion and… And a comprehension rooted in his almost unconscious state. Sam Wilson had looked at the Soldier and realized there was a person locked behind the impassive face; behind the goggles, the mask, the Kevlar. It had made the Soldier falter and look at the half-lidded eyes of the man. It made him understand he was hurting someone. It's like he had forgotten what punching meant; hurting and killing, when for all his life it had meant fulfilling his purpose, the reason why he had been created.
This time he broke out of his conditioning, too. Even when he was wiped just a few hours ago.
He takes a little step forward as Steve breathes in and water slips through his lips. His hand reaches out.
The world comes crashing down and Bucky shakes his head, once again aware of the sirens and the screams in the distance. They must be looking for Steve, that's the only reason why he's able to turn around and walk away.
He doesn't know if he'll come back or if Steve will even let him come close, but it doesn't matter—not until he does one last thing.