Chapter 6 - Freedom

Author's Note: Well we've finally made it to the end. :) Hopefully everyone enjoyed the journey and the ending. ^-^

~ Tirana Sorki

Windu is gone. He's gone and they made it, so Anakin doesn't know why he still feels so lost and empty. He thought he'd feel better but he just feels so – so empty. So lost. He thought he would knew what it meant to feel freedom but he still doesn't entirely feel that. He thought he would know what it meant when he first left Tatooine too and it never felt like it then either.

Maybe the problem now is that he doesn't know what Obi-Wan's going to ask of him now and he feels bad for feeling like that but he just – He wants to be free, to have the chance to know what that means, but – He doesn't deserve it. He knows that. He'll just mess everything up again and at least Obi-Wan won't make him do what Windu did and he won't make him do things he'll regret forever.

Probably.

Maybe.

He can't help thinking back to what Ventress was saying about why this happened. The Force brought him back. It was draining Windu's life Force to keep him alive. He doesn't know how to feel about that.

He was sucking someone's life out. Even if that wasn't his choice because it's not like he asked Windu to stab him twice over.

It also means that the Force didn't bring him back for a punishment or... whatever. It did it because it wanted him to stay alive. It was using someone else's life to keep him alive. He's always believed in the Force even when he can never believe in himself and that it would do that for him means something even if he wishes none of this had happened at all.

Anakin's sitting in one of the rooms of the ship, now that they've made the jump to hyperspace. They'll have to figure to where they're going to take all of the freed slaves later.

Obi-Wan appears in the doorway, crossing his arms as he watches him. He's radiating that air of both grumpiness and concern but he seemed a lot more settled somehow now that Windu's dead. Anakin doesn't quite know what to think of that. "How are you feeling now that that connection with Windu is gone?" he inquires.

"Still tired," Anakin admits. His mind feels like it's being dragged through mud ever since he first died. Sometimes he thinks it's getting better but he's still so worn out. "I think it's getting better." Maybe.

Obi-Wan nods. "I expect it will take time. You nearly died." There's a lingering note of horror there. "With him gone, you can come with me. You won't need to worry about whatever he was... doing to you anymore."

"Yeah," Anakin agrees dully. He should be glad. He doesn't know why he's not. Doesn't know what's wrong with him.

He can feel Obi-Wan's frown without looking up. "I thought you'd be more relieved."

Anakin forces himself to look up. "I am but I – I do not know what will happen now. What we will do."

"We'll do what we always have done," Obi-Wan says, "Our duty as Jedi."

"That's what I did under Windu too. That's what he told me," Anakin mutters. He shouldn't be saying this. It's not going to go anywhere but he doesn't want to stay quiet about it. He's so tired of that. Even if he's afraid to – to say anything.

"What are you saying?" he demands, something almost irked in his voice.

"It's – I – Nothing is what I thought it was anymore. And my mind was not mine for so long. I don't know when it will not be again. I do not know what I could – end up doing." That's part of it. He can't imagine doing anything but fighting. It's all he's ever known. But he can't trust himself anymore. Can't trust his own mind so what can he trust?

It's not that he wants to stop but he just wants to – to... He wanted to get the chance to live with Padme and his children, to just...live, even if that was selfish. At least if he did, he wouldn't have to be afraid of what he could end up doing or – who he'd end up hurting.

But maybe it's not that he wants to stop fighting as much as it is that he doesn't want to keep fighting for the Jedi. Not anymore. If it was to help his boys, he'd do it in a heartbeat even if he's so afraid of what he could end up doing.

"Windu's gone. You don't need to worry anymore."

He sighs. "I know." That doesn't stop the fear snaking inside of him. What if someone else kills him and gets that control? What if Sidious did? What if it was another Jedi as bad as Windu? The mere thought fills him with a blinding, clawing panic. "But I cannot just... forget. It could happen again."

"I won't let it," he promises firmly.

The reassurance means something, taking the slightest edge of the fear coiling inside of him but he knows Obi-Wan can't protect him from everything.

His former master sighs, crossing the room to sit next to him. "What do you want to do, Anakin? Every time I bring up fighting together, you're reluctant."

It sends a sharp prickle of guilt through him – he thinks Obi-Wan is hurt by that and he doesn't mean to cause that, but that's the only thing he's good at, isn't it? Hurting people.

"I don't know," Anakin admits miserably, "I – " How could he really tell him this?

"You don't or you don't want to tell me?"

What is that obvious? "I – You'll be angry," he mutters, looking away.

He sighs quietly, reaching out to touch Anakin's arm. There's a weighted look in his eyes, a deep running grief that he's never seen in him before.

Because Anakin destroyed the Jedi. And that's not something he can ever fix.

"You already are trying to make things better, aren't you? That counts for something."

Maybe...

"I want you to feel better, Anakin. If there's anything I can do, you can talk to me."

That he's being so considerate of this suddenly hurts enough that his throat feels too choked to speak for a few moments. He knows Obi-Wan cares about him, but he so rarely shows it, definitely not when his duty demands otherwise. But right now...

"Is Padme alright?" Anakin blurts.

"What?"

"Is she? I – I haven't heard."

"I didn't pay much attention but I didn't hear otherwise. What does that have to do with this?"

"She was going to die," he blurts out, hardly sure why he's saying it, "I saw it in my visions. And I – we – I have a child. I think. If they made it." Panic sparks sharply through him at the mere thought. His child could be dead and he doesn't even know.

He never got to be there when the child was born.

Hasn't gotten to know if it's a boy or girl or what they look like.

His child hasn't gotten the chance to see him and Padme's out there trying to raise them alone. And he did all of this for them.

Obi-Wan's staring at him like he just sprouted horns and tattoos like Maul. "You what?"

The fear is suddenly strangling him full force again. He's letting him down by telling him this, admitting that he betrayed everything Obi-Wan taught him. It makes him feel ridiculously ungrateful for everything he's done for him even if that's not fully fair. "We – what I said."

"You have a child," Obi-Wan repeats, very slowly, "I questioned if you and the Senator had something between you for a long time but how could you have a child?"

"I think they're a couple weeks old? I haven't – heard if they're okay." And all of this happened because he was trying to keep them safe, to give them the life they deserve. "My visions about Padme wouldn't stop and I had to do something. Sidious promised he could help. He told me of a way and – I didn't know what else to do."

Obi-Wan's staring at him like he's seeing him for the first time now. "What you did was... for them?"

"I'm sorry." His heart is pounding. Why did he even mention this? "I didn't realize he was Sidious. I didn't realize what he was going to do until too late and he wasn't wrong that – about the Jedi committing treason and then it was too late to back out anymore and I couldn't let them die. I couldn't – fail them again. Like I did my mother. I know I shouldn't have but I..."

Obi-Wan's quiet for a very long pause. To his credit, he doesn't start yelling at him right off. "You never told me any of that."

"You told me to do nothing when it came to my mother and I listened and she died. And you couldn't have done anything to – to help Padme."

"Perhaps not," he admits unhappily, "But we could have found another way. A way that didn't involve joining the Sith."

What way?

He doesn't ask. It's pointless to talk about when nothing can change the past.

Neither of them speak for a long time but he senses Obi-Wan's distinct unhappiness.

"I know I betrayed your teachings. I'm sorry," he says finally because it feels like he needs to say something.

He sighs. "Those feelings may be natural but you know better than to act on them, Anakin."

He swallows hard, looking away. This is what makes talking to him so impossible sometimes. "I know I shouldn't have. But it gave me something to look forward to during the war. Something to – expect. Especially after – after my mother."

"What does your mother have to do with your choices about Senator Amidala?" He sounds so confused.

Probably didn't mean it badly but it still makes him feel stupid somehow.

"She was family. A future for me to expect. She's the only family I have." The only one he can freely call family at least, even if Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and Rex and all his boys are family just as much.

Obi-Wan looks stung. "The Jedi were your family, too. Why do you keep acting as though they aren't?"

He took that entirely wrong, didn't he? His guilt flares up instantly. He didn't mean to imply – "I – I know they are family to you but I grew up with a real family, Obi-Wan. I know what that's like and I could never forget it even if I should have. I never saw you as family because we were both Jedi. It was because you – you raised me. And for Ahsoka, because I raised her. I can never be the Jedi you wanted of me. I am not like you." He's always forever below him and he knows that because he can never be good enough to be a Jedi even if he doesn't understand why but maybe it's because he plainly never belonged as one. Like Windu told him. "I was never a Jedi like the rest of you. I was never what you wanted."

"I know you struggled with fitting in but I would never say that you couldn't become a Jedi like the rest of us. You were one of the best of us, Anakin."

Were.

Not are.

That shouldn't sting when it's obvious. He did kill all the Jedi it's not like he deserves to be classified as that anymore.

"You were everything I wanted," Obi-Wan goes on, something strangely intense in his eyes, and air catches in his lungs at the sheer emotionalness of it. He was? But that – it doesn't make sense. He's always done everything to indicate that Anakin can never live up to whatever impossible standards he has for him.

"But that's never what – what you said. I was always different. To you. To the Council." It feels like a failure to say this but he can't help it. "I could never be what you wanted of me even if I tried. But you always told me it wasn't enough. Everyone – everyone did. But you never told me what you did want."

"Anakin, is this still about proving yourself?"

"That's what I mean!" He doesn't exactly snap but it comes out more heated than he intended, as the indignation inside of him rises. "You always tell me to stop but then you expect me to do more. Nothing I ever do is good enough for you."

"That is not true, Anakin."

He sighs, the fight evaporating from him. The conversation's just making him question his own sanity and he's so tired and now he wants to cry again which is annoying.

"Anakin," Obi-Wan says sighing, though his tone is a little gentler, "I thought I made it clear that I'm proud of you."

He is?

"How?" Anakin demands, hating the way his voice cracks mid-syllable, "How could you say that when all you ever told me was the opposite?"

"I know I was harsher on you than I meant to be." He sighs and he sounds exhausted too. Makes him hate himself a little more. "I didn't intend to hurt you but I... regret that I did. I am proud of you, little one, and what you were."

His eyes burn with tears and it's far too much to hold them back. "You are or you were?"

"l still am even if not of everything you've done. Windu was right about one thing. I did fail you. I'm the one who raised you and any of your failings aren't all because of you. I should have taught you better than I did. I should have seen how much you were struggling a long time ago."

"That wasn't... all your fault. I know I was a difficult padawan," Anakin mutters, looking away. That's what he always heard anyway. And it's not fair to expect Obi-Wan to have been perfect as a master.

"I still should have seen it," Obi-Wan replies.

Anakin doesn't really know what to say to that, especially after how long he wished Obi-Wan had seen it but he never did. Or he was too busy which he understood.

"You're still drawing on the Dark Side now," he goes on and Anakin stiffens instantly. Windu was always so – He never shut up about that.

"I don't – I don't want it but I don't know how to let it go. I can't – " He cuts himself off. Sounds like he's just fumbling for excuses when nothing will change this.

"Have you tried to let it go?" The tone is surprisingly un-accusing.

He hasn't even had the mental space to think about it. "I don't know how. All I can feel is the – Everything that fuels the Dark Side. I can't make it stop." He doesn't know how he ever could again.

"What is fueling it?"

"I can't draw on the Force without – thinking about Windu or what I did or – " Or any of it. He can't breathe and move for a single moment without thinking about everything that's crushing him still.

"At this point, I know... letting all that go wouldn't be easy. I don't know if it's possible either," his former master responds. Which is fair, because the Jedi always say it's not. "But you haven't lost yourself to the Dark Side as much as any Sith I've seen and perhaps that's because it wasn't... something you wanted to do. You said you never felt like you were one of us. Can you tell me why?"

How would he explain that?

It's hard to try finding words but he's so tired of keeping it all in and maybe he just desperately wants Obi-Wan to understand even if that's foolish because he knows it's going to backfire. But he can't well not answer the question. Their relationship has always been difficult. That doesn't mean Anakin doesn't love him fiercely. He could never want him gone even if the distance he finally got as a Knight was easier to handle. That doesn't mean he never missed him sometimes.

"I have never felt free, Master. I don't know what it... means. I thought I would finally understand when I came to the Temple but I didn't."

He always had to blindly obey.

He had to call everyone master, always knowing they were above him.

He had to live up to impossible expectations that didn't seem to apply to anyone but him.

He had to give up his family when nothing had ever been more important to him.

But he doesn't know how to say any of that.

"I know it was my duty to follow the Council but I – On Tatooine I always had to obey no matter what. That never changed."

"From what I saw on Zyggeria, Anakin, I know this is harder for you than I can... understand. Perhaps if you had been able to fit in better, it would have helped to feel as though you were free."

"I couldn't. I was too – too different."

"I know you were... lonely growing up but I didn't realize how much. If the Senator helped you find something during the war, I am... grateful even if I can't say I'm pleased about the route you took. I want you to be happy, Anakin and... maybe going back to fighting isn't what you need right now."

His heart skips a beat though he's not sure why the words jarred him so much. "What do you mean?"

"You said you wanted to be with Padme. Going to see her may be a good place to start, even if I don't know that it would be safe for you to stay for long."

Anakin stares at him eyes wide. "You – you would let me?"

"Why would I not let you see your child? Even if it's one you shouldn't have had. And I'd like to see this child myself."

Anakin blinks away the tears, a teasing smile twisting his face. "You're a grandfather, Obi-Wan. I'm sure my child will really want to see you."

"Grandfather?" Obi-Wan squawks, "I did not consent to being called that."

"I think that'll be a choice they get to make and you're going to have gray hair by the time they're old enough to talk."

"I will not," he protests, gravely offended, "Unless they're a worse terror than you."

Anakin laughs.

For maybe the first genuine time since before this all started.

He still feels the months long depression that's been crushing him. On some level, it's been crushing him ever since Ahsoka left and Fives died even if he's had lighter times. But for a moment, things don't feel as heavy as they have in a long time.

He wants to get to see Padme and his child and he wants to help the clones. He needs to help Kix get somewhere safe and then maybe he can find Rex. He has to be out there somewhere.

At least Anakin wants to try. He can't stop trying. He can't give up. He doesn't do that, even if he doesn't think he'll ever be able to trust himself again.

**w**

Sometimes, Obi-Wan doesn't think he's ever going to truly understand Anakin. The brilliant fire he is in the Force is sometimes so quiet and... submissive and sometimes so fierce he doesn't really get it. Sometimes he seems impossibly stubborn and sometimes the opposite.

He suspected about Padme from the very beginning of the war and his suspicions grew over time. He knew Anakin too well not to pick up on the signs but he never expected that he was married. Or that he has a child of all things.

Or that half the reason he Fell was because of them.

He doesn't know how to ever get it out of his head that Anakin did that, betrayed them like that. He's always so loyal and he doesn't understand why that loyalty wasn't to the Jedi when it was so much to his family that he'd do this. Even if he did see the Jedi as betraying him first. But considering Windu... maybe it's not surprising. Feels like this was at least half the Jedi Master's fault, anyway.

But apparently Anakin's never felt like he was one of them and that hurts more than Obi-Wan wants to think about. He knew Anakin was lonely but he didn't know it was that bad.

Obi-Wan knows what his duty as a Jedi says. His attachment to Anakin is blinding him because nothing changes the fact that Anakin Fell and could be a threat but that's not what he sees. All he sees is a lost, broken child and he's not going to treat him as an enemy. Besides, Anakin doesn't want to be a Sith.

But he also doesn't want to be a Jedi and Obi-Wan doesn't know what to think of that.

He wants to keep pressing but – then he thinks about Anakin's "nothing I do is ever good enough for you" which is ridiculous but he has to grudgingly admit he can see why he thinks that. They did... fight a lot as Anakin grew older as a padawan

Maybe giving him the chance to get his head back on straight, especially since it's only been hours since the bond broke, would be for the best.

He also does want to meet his definitely-not-grandchild.

"You should rest," Obi-Wan says, nudging Anakin's shoulder.

He doesn't quite know how to approach the knowledge that he hurt him, even if it was always knew it but it's different when Anakin basically flat out told him so. He always knew he failed to be the teacher Anakin needed but he didn't realize how much. Doesn't know how to make that right or if there's a way too. Anakin is infinitely caring and loyal so he's going to stay with him anyway but – He doesn't want to think about having hurt him. The guilt is an unpleasant feeling tight inside of him that he can't rid himself of.

"I'm too old for you to put to bed," Anakin informs him cheerfully.

"Oh are you," Obi-Wan retorts, "You were the one who just called me your child's grandfather so that gives me full authority to put you to bed at any age."

Anakin rolls his eyes. His mischievous smirk is always so endearing it's kind of adorable.

"I'll be staying here," Obi-Wan promises grumpily, "To make sure you don't sneak off."

"I'll rest to ensure you do too," Anakin informs him snippily.

"I think you're forgetting who the padawans is my very, very young padawan."

"I'm a Knight now my very old master."

He's torn between being this close to swatting him and being flooded with an unreasonable happiness that Anakin just laughed. He didn't know how long it would before he ever heard that again. The haunted look in his former padawan's eyes is still there but he's distinctly better now that Windu is gone.

Anakin stretches out on his side on the far back of the cot, nearly pressed against his wall. His face twists with a visible wince when his back bumps the wall. Anger rushes through him instantly at the reminder. Anakin is still hurt and he'll never get the moment he saw what Windu was doing out of his head.

Anakin readjusts his position a little, staring up at him. He looks smaller somehow when he's half curled up on the bunk. Still so much like a child. Obi-Wan was still a padawan at his age. The affection that swells up inside of him is overwhelming. Anakin is everything to him. means far more to him than anything even if he knows it shouldn't be that as a Jedi but he can't say he wants it to be any other way. He reaches down, lightly smoothing his curls back from his face. The way Anakin's smile turns shy nearly turns him to goo.

He reaches up, squeezing Obi-Wan's hand.

He squeezes it back lightly before he lays down next to him. He wouldn't normally do that but right now he just wants the physical reminder that Anakin is here again and he won't be going anywhere. And if he's here with him, he can keep him safe if anything happens.

There's not much room so they're close enough that Anakin's pressed up against his side now but the boy doesn't seem to mind.

To be fair, he's the one who used to come to Obi-Wan's room every night after first coming to the Temple because he was afraid of losing him.

There's one more thing he needs to address before he lets this line of conversation settle, though, even if he isn't quite sure how. "Anakin," Obi-Wan speaks up, before he can double-think himself.

Anakin opens his eyes again. "Mm?"

"Whatever we do from here, I... would like to give you a choice. I'd like it to be what you want. I know you haven't truly had that before."

He blinks, looking some mix of startled and overwhelmed but he can feel Anakin's swell of gratitude. "I – I don't know what I – "

"You have time to decide whatever you do want. We aren't on a mission right now." They don't have missions anymore. Might never again. He doesn't want to get lost in that line of thought right now.

Anakin nods. "I – Thank you, Master. For – for everything."

Obi-Wan pats his shoulder as well as he can when they're squashed against each other. He doesn't really know what to say to that. Maybe he doesn't need to say anything.

Anakin shifts a little, so he's resting his head on Obi-Wan's shoulder. He didn't know his heart could turn to goo any further but apparently he was wrong.

Maybe Obi-Wan can never forget what he saw at the Temple but he can't forget what Anakin's been through either – most of which he can't begin to understand. But he wants to try, at least.

The Jedi are gone.

He has nothing anymore except Anakin.

And his duty should still matter more but right now it really doesn't. Anakin is finally with him again and he wants to keep it that way.

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