Spring 2005

The family was together, yet apart.

Residents across five towns gathered under paper lanterns and twinkling fairy lights to enjoy the Equinox Festival. Games were set up that Edward could never participate in. He would sink every shot, knock down every bottle. The stench of human food incapacitated his hunter's instinct. Judging from the sounds of merriment, the humans enjoyed the spun sugar, apples gleaming with caramel, and pies larger than they had any right to be.

Edward was there to support Esme. As was the rest of the family.

The vampires couldn't linger too close to one another. A group larger than three or four would draw too much attention. The known family relation could explain away the resemblance between them, but nothing could explain the clawing horror that could incapacitate even the bravest mortal if their group grew too large. So, they kept their distance.

Esme sat under her tent, capturing the fun of the festival in her painting. She volunteered as a live artist for the event. Gasps of awe and squeals of delight continuously burst from the passing crowd, like the popcorn in the next stand over. Carlisle stood right outside, talking to a nurse from the hospital and her family. Two sugar-powered children ran around their legs, batting everything around them with foam swords they won at one of the games. Whenever they swatted at Carlisle, Edward wondered how these children would feel if they found out they were provoking a real monster with their neon green weapon. Emmett and Rosalie were further down, manning the strength challenge booth. Children pushed their fathers up to the challenge, laughing in delight. The men gulped at Emmett's bulk, but Emmett could put anyone at ease with his dimpled smile. Even further down, but still within earshot, Alice volunteered at the face painting booth. Children lined up eagerly, pushing and shoving at each other to see her latest creation. Even the parents watched her work with awe. Jasper, naturally, sat out. He took one step into the festival and turned right back around.

Usually, Edward enjoyed these types of events. He loved any moment that pulled him out of his dark monstrous lair. He would be behind the piano, backing up the school's choir or manning a booth like his siblings. In Forks, his persona of a troubled youth prevented him from volunteering to do anything. He sat in Esme's booth and sulked, like he was being punished. Especially when anyone from the school administration stopped by to greet the lovely and talented Esme. And to throw him a stern look.

It suited him. He wasn't in the mood to laugh or smile.

Edward had not tasted one drop of blood nor haunted any footsteps, yet he hadn't felt more like a monster than he had yesterday. Breaking the heart of the girl he loved felt worse than tearing it out and sucking it dry.

Through the crowd, he watched Mike Newton tote around Isabella Swan. The elite hockey player ignored her, engaged in a conversation with his friends as he dragged her behind him. She looked stunningly beautiful, though Edward could tell she worked to negate her loveliness. She wore a pair of ratty old sweats, and her hair was thrown back into a style that resembled a crow's nest. Edward smiled at the thought of Mike picking her up, hoping he could show her off as the object he saw her as, only to see her like this.

It was a shame her efforts went to waste. The deep blue of the fabric enhanced the coloring of her face, as delectable as cream and strawberries. The tangled strands of hair around her face framed her delicate features. She was lovely as ever. His beautiful, defiant girl.

He couldn't hide his blatant adoration from his family.

"What's with him?" Edward heard Rosalie ask Emmett. She was dressed modestly that night: a long skirt and a loose-knit sweater overtop, yet every man who passed paused to gawk. A glance at Emmett sent them scurrying away.

Edward could practically hear the groaning ticks as the gears turned slowly in Emmett's mind.

"I don't know. I haven't seen him smile that way since last year," he said to Rose. Then, across the lot, loud enough for even the humans to hear, "Hey, Eddie! The Cubbies traded away Sosa—they suck again!"

Only Emmett could make him smile at the times he wanted to least. Edward tossed back a crude gesture, earning a rolling laugh. A few passersby grinned at the interaction. Rosalie tapped the back of her husband's head. A real slap would have reverberated across the field.

"What?" Emmett grinned, "The only thing that makes him smile like that is baseball."

"I don't know," Alice spoke under her breath, but they could all hear her perfectly, "he was over the moon when suspenders came back into style and he could wear his again. Quick! Check everyone's socks—see if they're tucked into their pants."

Edward rolled his eyes. He hadn't done that in decades, all because of Alice's badgering.

"I don't know. His truest love is to be pretentious," Rosalie sneered, "Is someone listening to some underground alt-rock Gregorian chant bullshit?"

His siblings laughed.

Esme turned towards Edward to add to the running joke, face already twisted into her cheekiest smirk. That one glance was all it took.

"Edward? Honey, have you fallen in love?"

Edward squeezed his eyes shut. It didn't work. Esme's delicate hand cradled his jaw. "Who? Who is she?"

"It doesn't matter."

Alice revealed his secret. "The brunette with the hockey players."

The vampire family tensed simultaneously, hunting for a glimpse of this girl like they would for prey.

"Her?" Rosalie wrinkled her nose in Bella's direction.

Alice mirrored the expression, "She usually looks better than that."

"When?" Esme demanded. Her grip tightened on his chin.

Carlisle placed his arm around his wife's shoulders. Though he was just as concerned for his son, he had the sense not to make a scene in the middle of a festival. "We can discuss this at home."

"We will discuss it now!"

"In Sitka," Alice answered, for Edward refused to. "They spent the whole summer together and he did nothing about it!"

All at once, every member of the family spoke their unfiltered thoughts.

"Stop," he hissed, under his breath. "It's over. I ended it before it could even begin."

"You did what!?"

Edward didn't have to face his mother's wrath quite yet. As if to torture him, the celebration for the undefeated hockey team commenced. The mayor of the town congratulated Mike Newton, specifically, for his talent. Mike was pushed to the front of the crowd for a wave and a bow. He kept his hand laced through Bella's, who stood in horrified shock.

Edward couldn't breathe, he was so wretchedly in love with her. He yearned to break Mike's hand, free his love from the spotlight she feared. Basking in the applause, Mike pulled Bella closer to him for a kiss. Edward did not imagine the brief look of disgust on Bella's face, before she composed it into something more neutral.

Mike dodged Bella at the last second, spun on his heels, and kissed Jessica Stanely.

Bella tried to tug her hand away from his, but Mike tightened his hold on her for a moment before finally releasing her. The tiniest yelp escaped from her lips—so quiet Mike probably didn't hear it standing right next to her. The sound roared in Edward's ears.

Unthinking, Edward tore towards her. It was Emmett's strong arm that caught him and pulled him back before he could oust his entire family. He gave Edward a pat on the shoulder, then pulled him in by the neck for a hug.

Edward shoved away his brother to get a better look at Bella's face. Her porcelain skin was cherry red. She took a stumbling step back. Jessica held her hands up to her lips to contain her giggles. Bella backed away, slowly, out of the spotlight, as the mayor continued with his speech. Her father caught her by the arm. Armed in his full police uniform, stationed outside of a tent with games with donations to the fire department in Forks, he pulled Bella aside.

Edward released a hissing breath through his teeth. She was in safe hands. Her father would take her home and make sure…

His splintered heart pierced his lungs.

There were no words of comfort or support. Instead, Bella's father yelled at her, demanding she tell him what she did wrong. She did nothing. Bella said as much, but Chief Charlie Swan did not seem to believe her. He shook her once and released her. Again, Emmett had to hold Edward back. She nearly fell, but the large trunk of a convenient tree steadied her. Charlie whistled once, sharp and shrill. Several people looked in his direction—blatantly ignoring Bella's red eyes and redder face—but only one person answered the call.

Mike Newton sauntered up to them, arms crossed, head cocked.

Bella—blushing, beautiful, stammering Bella—apologized for what she'd done and, after receiving a stern look from her father, asked Mike for his forgiveness. Mike's smile was cold and harsh, but he leaned in, kissed her temple, and said he would see her after the festival. Both Mike and Charlie returned to their respective groups, leaving Bella alone. Neither paid any mind to the soft, shallow gasps breaking through her lips as she held back tears.

Across the festival, Edward broke.

"No," he murmured, "No, no, no…"

"What was that?" Esme asked from behind him. She watched what transpired, transfixed on the human girl, now that she knew Edward's feelings for her.

"I.. he…" Edward shook his head in disbelief. "They're back together."

It wasn't supposed to be like that. Bella used Mike to frustrate Edward—that was the depth of their relationship. She was able to call things out at any time. Escape from Mike and make her way to the bookshop. Began to carve out the simple future she envisioned. He already hired other employees at the bookshop so Bella wouldn't think she was the only one. He set up an entire payment system. Spoke to a bank. All to help her get out of Forks. However, he realized with a sinking stomach, he never received her application.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

Out of morbid curiosity, he scanned her father's thoughts, as disjointed and shrouded as they were, to see what kind of man could treat his daughter with such negligence. Edward quickly learned it wasn't his daughter Charlie intended to hurt, but his ex-wife. He saw a much younger version of Renee—Bella's mother—in Charlie's head. Edward already knew the resemblance between mother and daughter was uncanny. Charlie took pleasure in watching Bella cry. In his selfish, twisted mind, it was as good as making Renee cry.

He wanted to use her—Edward's world; Edward's life—as much as Mike did. If not more.

"Esme," he choked out his mother's name, "I did something wrong."

It was the understatement of the century.

"She was supposed to be better off," Edward's fingers twisted through his hair, "No, no, no…"

Esme coaxed his hands into hers.

"There's no competition, Eddie," Emmett punched his fist. "I'll just kill him."

Rosalie arched a perfect brow. "You get the kid; I'll get the cop."

"Kids," Carlisle placed his arms around Emmett and Rosalie and guided them away, "Remember, sometimes the greatest punishment is to allow someone to live with their mistakes…"

"She's supposed to be better off without me," Edward shook his head in misery. "She's better off without me."

"It doesn't look that way to me…"

Edward didn't know what to do. He couldn't take her with him, but he couldn't leave her with them, either. Every safety net he tossed to her would be torn to shreds.

"Just go to her, Pet."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Edward stared at his hands. His too-strong, deathly-pale, ice-cold hands. The hands of a monster. "She can't become this."

"Come on now," Esme scolded, "You haven't spent decades perfecting your control to reduce yourself to the least important thing about you."

Edward couldn't quite agree with Esme's assessment. Being a different species was a fairly important trait.

"This is not all you have to offer," She curled his fingers into fists and covered his one hand with both of hers. "You have a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a sense of humor that could put a smile on anyone's face."

He squeezed his eyes shut, bringing to mind every wonderful smile he earned from Bella. How little he deserved them.

"You offer your companionship," Esme continued, "your loyalty, your love."

His love.

His undying, unyielding love. Built up for years and years to be unleashed on one fragile, human girl. A love she fantasized about in her wildest, most romantic dreams. Edward thought of all the love Bella deserved and how he could offer it to her. The motherly affection she would receive from Esme. The fatherly advice from Carlisle. The protective, often silly, love of siblings. Even if she rejected his romantic advances, there was so much for her to gain by being introduced to his world. Things he hadn't considered, because he was so obsessed with his own decision.

He was no better than Mike.

But he could be better. And he would.

"Most importantly, you will offer that girl something she does not have and desperately needs: a choice."

"A choice," Edward repeated, dumbly.

"Honey, don't overthink it," Esme cooed, "Be what she needs. Let her choose what that is."

With a gentle shove, Esme sent him off into the festival. The ever-present buzz of voices pressed against his mind as he ambled through the crowd. Flashing lights and colors blurred like a hand swiped across a painting. He felt their stares. Whether it was because they found him attractive or creepy, he did not care enough to find out. His thoughts were for one person and one person alone.

Edward found her sitting on the edge of a bench. Her knees were pulled into her chest, her face hidden between them.

"Bella?"

Her head shot up. "Edward!" Her hands flew to her hair, fruitlessly attempting to smooth the bumps.

"You look lovely," he assured her. "You always look lovely. Nose in a book, drenched from a thunderstorm, or defiantly ugly…" he teased. She smiled a bit in response. "…you are the most beautiful thing in my world."

Her lips quivered; wet eyes blinked, unsure of what to make of his declaration.

"Bella, if you want me to, I will tell you the truth. Would you like that?"

She nodded. A nearly unperceivable dip of her chin. Her first choice of hundreds to come.

Summer 2004

Edward braced himself.

He had to take in every detail.

He would return to these memories for comfort as he limped through the rest of his limitless existence. Close his eyes and relive this perfect summer with his perfect girl.

The clouds hung low in the sky, threatening a light, yet relentless rain. The ocean reflected the gray sky. Its usual blue was drained of color. A trite metaphor for how his own life would look within the hour. A Wilco album spun on one of Edward's many record players. The somber, strumming guitar kept time to his demise.

When Bella came into view, earlier than her usual hour, he studied her, memorizing everything about her. The careful eye she kept on her feet as she walked. The mahogany stands of hair that escaped from her braid and curled along her neck. The slight pink tint of the tip of her nose. The way she pushed the door with her shoulder, using most of her body weight to open it. A sparkling pink smudge on the back of her hand caught in the dim light of the store. As if she put on lip gloss but reconsidered. It charmed him immensely to imagine her desire to look pretty for him. She already held his attention no work of art nor grand natural vista ever could without even trying. Though her sweet scent clung to every surface in the shop, her entrance brought another wave, stronger than the waves from the ocean across the way. He would only have to endure this delicious torture one last time. A relief he did not relish.

"I told my mom I wanted to buy a CD for the trip," Bella said in a quiet, hoarse voice. "She told me to check out the red-headed clerk."

"And what do you think of him?"

She ran a thumb under her eye. "I think his literary opinions are vapid and unoriginal."

Edward smiled and leaned his elbows on the counter. "I believe he would say yours are fanciful and often distorted."

"Edward…" she began but lost her words to a sniffle.

"Take whatever you want in the store. It's yours," he offered.

Her depthless brown eyes searched his face, as if the thing she wanted in this shop couldn't be found on the shelves. She turned, woodenly. He watched her fruitlessly rifle through the racks for the length of a song.

"Would you like a suggestion?"

She nodded.

"I think you'd like these." He spent almost the entire summer paring down options from his vast collection for this moment. He gathered his selections and handed her a stack of CDs that still did not feel like enough.

The stack slipped through her fingers. CDs clattered against the hardwood floor.

"Would you like a bag?"

She laughed. It was different from her usual laugh, choked by oncoming tears. "Oh, Edward…"

"It's alright."

He gathered the CDs as Bella struggled to compose herself. He put them in a bag, wishing with his entire heart he could learn what she thought of them. Watch her expressive face reveal her reaction to each song. Learn her taste and curate the perfect musical experience for her. It was a hopeless wish.

Bella's bottom lip trembled so hard, it wouldn't stay tucked between her teeth. "Thank you."

"I hope you like them."

Bella reached into her pocket. She pulled out a little scrap of paper and placed it on the counter.

"Please call me. Renee is never home at night. But honestly, she rarely answers the phone anyway."

He gently cradled the piece of paper in his hands. He memorized the number, written in Bella's illegible scrawl, though he would never call.

"Please," she pressed.

Through the constant fire that scorched his throat, the words burned on their way out. "Goodbye, Bella."

She didn't return the sentiment. He was certain that her romantic heart refused to say goodbye to something that was not over. He ran over the scrap of paper with his thumb. She did not know it, but it was over.

"I love you."

All color left her face.

"Love me? You—I—we—," Her hand flew to her chest as if touch could soothe her racing heart. "It's okay if you're not really ready, I understand that you need time to get to know me…"

Edward pulled out his copy of Little Women from under the counter and placed it before her. Bella studied it with wide, glassy eyes. "Everyone tells you that you are Jo because of the easy, obvious reason: you like to read. Deep down inside, you think you're Beth. But, my dear Bella, you are so much more than just hands to serve. The odd one out. Eyes too wide for the world she was set in. You are Jo."

He placed The Princess Bride on the stack. "It would be easy to say you are as beautiful as Buttercup and be done with it, but there's more. Your heart is your strength, your steadfast belief in love. And it is no less effective than steel or brawn.

"The enchanting Miss Christine Daae," he said as he took out his copy of Phantom of the Opera, "Sees the best in people and treats them accordingly." He let his hand linger on the stack of books. "No one deserves your gentle compassion, Bella. Yet you offer it, all the same."

Bella covered her eyes with the heels of her hands, so she did not see the next book on the stack.

"Jane Eyre. My Jane Eyre."

There were too many things he could say. Looking at Bella now, to was too overwhelmed with grief to speak. He imagined this stoic, quiet little girl growing up lonely, forced to mature too quickly. Thankfully, her soft heart remained. It didn't grow hard and pragmatic, like Jane. She was truly his Jane Eyre because he was the Edward of the story. Lies slipped through his teeth. Acts were performed for her benefit. And just like Rochester, Edward did not deserve the gentle creature he loved. Unlike Rochester, he would not capture her fair heart in the end.

Pride & Prejudice was the final book on the stack. "There is no question that you are Elizabeth, through and through. Well-read, hard-headed, fully aware that you are worth the truest of loves, and unwilling to settle for anything less."

Edward ran this thumb down the spines of the books. "So, you see… I know you, Bella. And I love you."

She was at an utter and complete loss for words. Edward didn't mind—he didn't need to hear it back. In fact, he didn't want to. It would be easier to live forever without her love if he could convince himself he never had it in the first place.

"Goodbye, Bella."

A car horn startled her, jolting Bella out of her dazzled state. Renee had grown tired of waiting for Bella's return. She stumbled out of the store, nearly crashing into the cassette stand, and then running her shoulder into the door frame.

She whirled back to him one, last time. "Please call."

He gave her a comforting smile and a dismissive wave. In her hasty, befuddled exit, Bella left behind the bag of CDs. A final stab to the heart. It was just as well. He didn't deserve a place on her shelf. Edward could not cry, though he wanted to. He could not chase after her, though every cell in his body demanded it. He stood completely motionless until the sound of the car was out of his hearing range.

Edward would never see Isabella Swan again.