Author's Note:
In honor of the release of Deadpool 3, the climactic conclusion of both the Deadpool trilogy and the return of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, I was inspired to make a story about Deadpool teaming up with another notorious fuckup from Marvel. Well, that is only technically true, but no spoilers. If you want to know more, read the first chapter and enjoy!
--
Chapter 1: I got kidnapped and all I got was this shitty Gacha
(Wade Wilson POV)
I tap the button and wait for the stupid little slot machine to finish doing its stupid little animation and give me my stupid little prize. Oh look, yet another Junk roll. Oh look, it's also an Item. And oh wait, what a surprise! It's yet another Used Web Fluid Canister.
When I downloaded this trashy Marvel gacha game, I thought it would be a fun waste of time that I could play whenever I was bored. Instead, I got to 'enjoy' the single most infuriatingly bullshit waste of an intellectual property since the Eternals movie.
If I am not scoring trash items like an old Daily Bugle newspaper with my rolls, I am instead rolling to get some of the worst characters to ever grace the Marvel universe. The only time I roll anything better than Common seems to be exclusively when I get the trashiest villains in existence. As an example, I got the trifecta of Spider-Man villains in a row last week: Green Goblin, Kingpin, and Mephisto. One killed Spider-Man's first girlfriend, another is morbidly obese and was so obsessed with fighting a teenager that he got divorced, and the final tricked the wall crawler into trading his marriage to return an elderly woman from the dead.
Wow, I must have the magic touch with how my luck was just golden these days. Who wouldn't agree when I just rolled the eggplant-colored sex offender, the Purple Man himself? I hate this game so much. I thought the universe would throw me a bone and let me roll Deadpool since I have the same name, but I was sorely mistaken.
Despite our shared name, I am not God's perfect idiot.
Having run out of rolls, I find myself being tempted by the greatest trick ever conceived when it comes to gacha games. It was the dreaded pay to win features.
These allow you to use actual money to buy digital currency you can use for more rolls in the hope of finally winning something. It was insidious because it always seemed like such a meager amount of money too. 0.99 for five rolls? Sounds great to me!
The truly diabolical secret is that it becomes easier and easier to buy extra rolls each time, especially since they rarely ended up higher than Uncommon and you could always buy some more for pocket change.
However, it starts to build up little by little until you are using the meager earnings you make on a weekly basis flipping burgers at a diner on the roll that you are sure will finally get you something good.
I don't have a gambling problem. Anyone who says so is a liar and a scoundrel.
As I contemplate using the last roll I purchased with the money that I probably should have used to feed myself, I just say fuck it. I hit the button and wait for the gacha to go through its slot animation. It had three different slots which corresponded to the different categories of prize.
The first was the rarity. These varied from Junk (the really worthless stuff), Common (stuff that clutters your inventory), Uncommon (stuff you might use if it has some good buffs), Rare (usually pretty solid), Epic (definitely going to be equipped as soon as physically possible), Legendary (Christmas and your birthday came early), Mythical (about as awesome as losing your virginity to the head cheerleader), and Divine (equal to being the only man at an orgy filled with the entire cheerleading squad and the hot coach). It is safe to say I have never rolled anything above a single Epic character which turned out to be yet another villain.
The second was the type. These included Items (equipment you can give to your fighters), Knowledge (Information which can help you upgrade faster or more efficiently), Magic (magical spells and tomes that allow you to boost your characters during fights), Perks (buffs that apply to the entire game), Powers (abilities that you can give to a character to make them stronger), Demi-plane (parts to add to a base for your characters), and Summons (new heroes or villains). If you are confused, then you understand it about as well as I do. This game seems to have had Marvel slapped onto it at the last second.
The final was the item itself. Upon the prize pool narrowing down from the first two, the final slot landed on the actual prize. If there was twenty possibilities for say, a Legendary power, then it would cycle through those powers until it lands on the one you get.
It was both a simple and terrible design. It seemed like it should function fairly well, but that was the illusion the game develops sold you to get you in the door. That's when you realize that the odds on the machine are just lies to try and squeeze every cent out of every idiot's bank account.
I don't really have any place to talk since I was one of those idiots.
My depressed train of thought was cut short by the first slot landing on Divine. I immediately had to do a double take since there was no way I actually rolled a Divine. However, it was still there after a second.
Oh, yeah! Everything I ever said about this thing was a lie! This game is the greatest piece of software since the Internet!
I hope for a Summon since it would let me steamroll large portions of the game, but it ends up landing on Perk. I would have preferred something else, but it is still going to be a Divine Perk. It could be something like no damage for the first sixty seconds of a fight, ten times critical hit chance, or something broken like that.
As I watch the final slot slowly land on a prize, I wait with bated breath as I see it is labeled Recruitment. Oh, shit! Is it going to be something that boosts the rarity of summons I roll? That would be insane!
The animation finally finishes and it presents the screen where it displays the prize description.
Congratulations, Wade Wilson! You have been chosen by sheer dumb luck to be recruited by the Consortium to work at the Company. This is the adventure of a lifetime and automatically accepted as you agreed to the possibility in the User agreement upon first opening the app. Pickup will be immediate.
As a black rectangle of nothingness appears beneath my feet and sends me plummeting into the abyss, I come to a certain realization. I really should start reading those User agreements. There is actually a lot of important stuff in there. Who knew?
--
(??? POV)
He idly fucked around on his phone after the disastrous event which did not deserve to be called a date. Not only did the girl spend the entire time talking about how great she was and how it was an honor for her to be going out with him, but it also turns out that she still had a boyfriend. He learned this the hard way when the asshole proceeded to beat him up after finding them on the date. The bitch had gone out with him to make the boyfriend jealous and feel good about herself, which resulted in his black eye and swollen jaw.
He apparently had as much luck with the ladies as the comic book character his mom named him after. At least the shit show happens sooner than later.
To add insult to injury, his uncle just laughed at him when he learned about the fight. Apparently, only a pussy loses a fight. It didn't matter that the guy was a senior football player with an extra two years, three inches, and forty pounds. Only a weakling loses such a lopsided fight. He comforted himself with the knowledge that his uncle would have probably been beaten up even worse if the situation happened to him instead.
Opening up the dumb Marvel gacha game played every now and then to kill time, he saw that he had a free pull from a daily login calendar. With nothing better to do, he uses it to see what he wins. A truck backfired outside which drew his attention away from the game for a moment before he just shrugged and looked back.
Congratulations, Jonathan Storm! You have been chosen by sheer dumb luck to be recruited by the Consortium to work at the Company. This is the adventure of a lifetime and automatically accepted as you agreed to the possibility in the User agreement upon first opening the app. Pickup will be immediate.
As he falls back into the rectangle of empty space that appeared on the bed underneath him, he just kind of goes with it. After all, how much worse can this day get?
--
(??? POV)
She was practically vibrating with excitement as she watched the installation complete. She had been waiting for this game to finally release since it had a while the last Marvel phone game. The gacha game had finally released and it was time to finally scratch the Marvel itch after the comics had been going downhill recently. Even her hardcore devotion to the brand couldn't force her to watch as they butchered characters and repeated the same stories over and over. No one wants to read about mutants pissing off people yet again and complaining about everyone being out to get them!
A grin spread across her face as she started up the game and automatically agreed to the user agreement before making her profile. She blitzed through the tutorials before she finally go to the free rolls that she got to start out. She rolled the first one only for it to land on a Divine Perk.
After having read the tutorial, she knew this was one of the best rolls she could have asked for since the chance was so small. It was like the universe was telling her this was a great idea.
When it finally finished rolling for the perk Recruitment, a message played out on the screen.
Congratulations, Gwen Poole! You have been chosen by sheer dumb luck to be recruited by the Consortium to work at the Company. This is the adventure of a lifetime and automatically accepted as you agreed to the possibility in the User agreement upon first opening the app. Pickup will be immediate.
She could only say one thing as she fell backwards through what was formerly her soft and comfy bed and now seemed to be a hole in reality.
"Huh?"
--
(Wade Wilson POV)
I crash down onto the cold ground and groan for a moment. I was right about to get up when a screaming mass lands right on top of me.
"Ow, what did I land on?" I hear a guy ask.
"I think my pancreas," I say as I am in extreme pain from the dude who decided to drop onto me. "I think I can see the light. I'm on my way, Grandpa."
"My bad," he says before rolling off of me. He offers me a hand and helps lift me up. I see that he is a guy around my age with brown hair and a semi-familiar face.
I don't have time to consider it any more than that when I hear a girl scream from above as she falls toward us. I use my hand eye coordination I developed through years of gaming and catch the falling girl before she can hit the ground. "Hey, you fall around here often?" I ask.
The girl immediately blushes at the realization that I am holding her in a bridal carry. Seeing her cheeks light up red was nothing short of adorable. It doesn't hurt that she is already a very cute girl. She had bright blue eyes, short blond hair with pink tips, and was dressed in a pink t-shirt and website pajama shorts. I don't really get a response because I could practically see steam coming out of her ears. I think her brain needs a minute to restart.
The other guy immediately begins to laugh at the sight before the girl finally resets and hops out of my arms and looks away in embarrassment.
"I'm for the rough trip," a voice rings out. "But we didn't have a lot of time for another choice."
I turn to see an old man sitting in an antique armchair in front of a roaring fireplace. The formerly featureless area we were in had suddenly become a comfy cabin with the warmth of the fire filling the air with the smell of wood smoke and nostalgia. The man himself was dressed in a white button up shirt with a green sweater vest on top, khaki pants, leather shoes, and a pair of glasses.
"Whose the old man?" I ask the others only to get shrugs in return.
The man chuckles at the remark. "No matter what world you might come from, it is always nice to meet another Wade Wilson," he says. "Straight to the point, even if a little blunt. It is nice to see you as well, Johnny and Gwen. We have much to discuss."
He flicks his hand and three more armchairs appear beside his. He gestures toward them and I glance at the other two only to decide to go with it. I walk over and plop down in the plush seat and let my body sink into the supple cushion that contours to my body. It is a serious possibility that I died and my version of heaven is this chair. No lie, it is that comfortable.
When they see that the chair seems to be safe, Johnny sits down followed by Gwen a second later.
"So, old guy," I say. "What do you need us for? Its not every day that I get interdimensionally kidnapped. Do you need us to find your glasses?" I lean over and use a stage whisper to tell him, "They are still on your face."
He just laughs at the joke instead of taking offense like other people might. "It is a little more complication than that," he answers. "Have any of you ever heard of the multiverse?"
"Yeah," Gwen chimes in. She almost seemed to shrink back when we all focused on her until she recovers. "Every world that could ever exist does exist in some part of the multiverse, even if it is only tiny differences. Choosing between a left or right turn causes two worlds to split off in different directions. In one world you turned right while the other one has you turn left. These differences have the chance of rippling out and creating drastically different worlds. One where dinosaurs never went extinct. One where Germany won World War II. You could find anything you could imagine somewhere in the multiverse."
"Right on the money," the man agrees. "I am part of a group that works as a regulatory agent in the larger multiverse. We do our best to rein in folks who use the multiverse as a playground. All of us draw our influence from the Company, an omniversal capitalistic meritocracy where the name of the game is entertainment. It deals in power, production, and people. You can buy anything from superpowers to any fictional character you can think of. Nothing is off limits to get through the Company. You just find a Contractor willing to accept the mission and there are more Contractors without morals than we would like."
"This Company seems kind of fucked up," Johnny says. "It sounds like a corrupting power fantasy waiting to happen."
"To most, it is," the man admits. "The Company provides power and opportunity. More than anything, it acts as a mirror for those who encounter it. Many of the Contractors take the power and use it to do whatever they want, despite how much it harms those around them. They are unashamed with the ruined lives left in their wake and the people that they twist into whatever shape that they decide. However, I stand with a group that seeks to prevent these tragedies where we can."
"The Consortium," I say as I recall what the message on my phone had told me. "That's who you are talking about."
"Exactly," the man confirms. "We are one of the most dedicated groups to preventing the rot that some Contractors attempt to spread across the multiverse. As it stands, we constantly need to be growing. Other groups could arise and overtake us if we were to rest on our laurels and take it easy. To do this, we are always recruiting promising talent to help protect worlds and defeat threats."
"I thought we were picked by luck," Gwen says.
"It might be luck, but I have a lot of experience," the man says. "The right person tends to show up at the right time. I have a feeling that applies to the three of you. Normally, we would provide you with access to the Catalog which allows you to purchase powers and other supplies with Credits, the currency used by the Company. You would earn Credits through missions and such to redeem them and get stronger."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Johnny says. "Should be pretty simple."
"We decided to go in a different direction for once," the man continued with a smile. "There are other groups who use a gacha system for a more dynamic advancement process. I am sure you are familiar with the system from the game you all played."
"Oh, no," I say as I slump into the chair in despair. "I am going to die in a new world because of a gacha game."
The man just laughs at my nihilism. "We haven't quite worked out the kinks of the system yet," he tells us. "R promised it would be ready soon, but we wanted to speed up the first release to follow recent hype through the multiverse. It is not everyday that a legend returns to the big screen."
"So we are being thrown to the wolves without even a buggy gacha system to follow the hype of a movie?" I ask before I turn to the screen. "That's just lazy writing."
Wait, what was that? It felt like I was breaking something. Oh, well. Who knows what just happened? It seemed normal enough so no point in worrying.
"We wouldn't want to take any chances with fresh talent," the man assures us. "To replace the three starter rolls that you would have gotten as well as the option to roll Curses to get additional rolls, I will give you gifts instead. Be warned, these were chosen as a balance between strength and weakness. While they will help you starting out, they are not without their flaws."
He flips a coin towards me and I reflexively catch it in my hand. It seemed to sink into my hand before vanishing with a chime. Johnny gets a weird fruit with swirls on the surface while Gwen receives a watch.
"Those will be your first gifts," the man says with a smile. "For the man with the same name as the Human Torch, what better choice than the Flame-Flame Fruit? It will grant you the power of fire in exchange for a weakness to standing bodies of water, the ocean in particular. If you were to fall into the sea, you would lose all strength and drop like a stone. However, if you train hard enough, you can turn into fire and unleash powerful attacks."
"I never really liked the beach anyway," Johnny says before he bites into the fruit. He immediately looks like he wants to throw up, but he pushes through it and swallows the bite. "Oh my God, that was worse than I thought it would be."
"For Gwen, I thought that a subtle gift would do the trick," he continues. "That watch is perfect for evasion and getting out of tricky situations. Not only is it a short-range teleporter, but it can also generate a field of invisibility or intangibility. Be warned, all of its abilities rely on its charge. You would get twenty teleportation hops, thirty seconds of prolonged intangibility, or three minutes of invisibility on a single charge. It recharges back to full within five minutes, but that it is only if it is not in use. It will grow stronger as it attunes itself to you, but you also have the option of upgrading it yourself."
"That's so cool!" Gwen says as she looks at the silver watch like it was the greatest thing in existence. "This is way better than Johnny's Devil Fruit."
"Finally, what better choice for the next Merc with a Mouth than an ability which hinges on unpredictability?" the man asks. "Your gift is a play on an ability called Idle Death Gamble, or Restless Gambler. The original would give the user a boost for four minutes and eleven seconds if they landed the jackpot in pachinko. The rolls would keep happening until the jackpot was eventually reached."
"For yours, however, it has a different function," the man says. "You can conjure a token to roll in a gacha machine to temporarily gain a new power or item. You can use whatever you roll for four minutes and eleven seconds until the timer runs out. Unlike the original, the power or item is earned without landing a jackpot, but it is inconsistent. You could roll a power that allows you to reshape reality or you could end up with a stapler. There is no telling what it could be. No matter what you get, it lasts for the full duration and you can only reroll after the time runs up."
"So you are giving the guy with the worst luck the only power that relies on luck?" I ask. "That sounds like a great idea."
"You will get new powers and items in time," the man assures us. "You will get rolls with each feat and accomplishment you achieve. Wade will be the one to hold the gacha system itself due to the compatibility with his ability."
Johnny and Gwen turn to look at me with the same worry that I already felt. The rolls in our future would not be kind.
Shaking off the fear of our shared doom, Gwen turns back to the old man. "Where are we going to go?" she asks. "I have a family at home and I kind of want to see them again."
"Never fear," the man says. "You will find ways to return to your worlds in time. It is just a matter of patience and luck."
"I am cool ditching my world," I admit. "I was living in an orphanage, so it's not like anyone is going to miss me."
"Yeah, I doubt my uncle would give a shit," Johnny agrees. "I'll be happy to never see him again."
"As for the world, it will be a variation of Marvel," the man says with a fond smile on his face. "It was in imperfectly replicated world made by the Company. It was originally slated for erasure due to its chaotic nature, but I was able to take over and claim it myself. Do not trust in meta knowledge to get you through the tasks ahead. People are not always as they might have been or how they appear. The only people you can trust to remain the same are each other."
"Can I get some more clothes though?" Gwen asks shyly. "I don't think pajamas is the right choice for an adventure."
"Simple enough," the man agrees before waving his hand. Our clothes changed into what I had to admit were pretty kickass outfits.
Gwen's pajamas had shifted into a pair of pink sneakers, white jeans, a long sleeved shirt with pink and white stripes, and a white hoodie with a pink hood and sleeves.
Johnny's clothes didn't change as much with his blue t-shirt remaining, despite looking new again, but his jeans turned into brown cargo pants while his tennis shoes changed to tactical boots and he gained a dark blue leather jacket with a stylized long blue 4 on the left part of the chest.
My own clothes changed from a black t-shirt with shorts and sneakers to a red shirt, black cargo pants, my own pair of tactical boots, and a black hoodie with red lining on the inside. As I look over my clothes, I have to appreciate how good I look. Damn, I am awesome.
Wait, I finally remembered who Johnny looks like. "Hey, Johnny," I say to him. "Why do you look like that one actor dude?"
"That's where I have seen you too!" Johnny says, nodding his head as he thought. "What was his name again? Brian Kennels?"
"You look like the dude," I say as I struggle to think. "Miss Nevans?"
"Nian Fennels."
"Briss Zenins."
"Zion Penals."
"Kiss Levins."
"Giant Wendalls."
"Licks Kevins."
"High On Fentanyls."
"Piss Heavens."
"Lyin' Dentals."
"You both know those last two weren't even close," Gwen says as she glares at us. "The names are Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans."
"I thought that was what we said," Johnny replies as he does his best to avoid looking into Gwen's judgmental eyes.
"That's what I heard," I say as I look anywhere but towards the annoyed blond.
The old man just chuckles at out antics. "I knew I made the right choice picking you three," he says. "This world will need your help, but I think you all are up to the task. I have one last thing to tell you before you go. It is something I would always say before I set off on a new adventure. Excelsior!"
We look at each other in surprise upon finally recognizing the old man. Or as we should have known, Stan.
Before we get a word out, we all drop down through the floor.
--
(Stan POV)
The Blue, Red, and Green Kings of the Consortium sit down in the freshly emptied seats near the fire. They nod in greeting as they consider the newly recruited members that were just arriving in their new world.
"Do you think that these three can really do the job?" Red King asks. "Can't say I don't love the chaos that follows a good Deadpool around like a shadow, but they aren't always the most reliable. Even the ones born in worlds outside of Marvel. This world won't exactly be easy street."
"I could always trust my Wade when the chips were down," Blue King replies. "If they find a cause to believe in, there are few people I would rather have watching my back."
"What about you, Green?" Red King asks. "Are you going to chime in or keep eating those dog treats?"
"Like, these are normal snacks," Green King responds as he eats another handful of food from a box. "I just happen to use them as dog treats. About the kids, I think we have seen worse matchups succeed. We shouldn't count them out just yet. Not a bad find, Yellow."
Stan, the Yellow King, grinned as they all sat around the fire. "It has been a while since I saw something new," he said. "This could be something special."
Red King just laughed. "If they don't kill each other first," he replied. "You have a guy with a flaming temper partnered with a guy never shuts up. I just hope blondie can help balance them out before they are at each other's throats. This will either work great or it will go down in flames. Literally."
"That's half of the fun," Green King says. "If it was going to be easy, then what's the point?"
Stan just chuckles as they take turns bickering amongst themselves. They might not spend very much time around one another because of their workloads, but it was never boring whenever they got together. Hopefully, they all avoid getting into a fight before the new recruits.
--
Author's Note:
Here it is! Yet another new chapter for a new story! I wasn't originally going to post this so soon, but I was truly inspired by the opening weekend of Deadpool & Wolverine. If you haven't had a chance to see it, I highly recommend spending the time. It is easily the perfect culmination of Deadpool and Wolverine's journeys through Marvel cinema.
Anyway, sorry that I haven't finished building up my gacha system catalog. There are just way too many powers and other pieces for me to finish this in time for the opening weekend. As such, I bullshitted together what felt like semi-balanced starting abilities for each one. In my humble opinion, it was hilarious to give an additional gacha power to the worst gacha user in the story. But then again, that's just me.
Let me know how I did in a review. Were my jokes funny or did they fall flat? Do the starting gifts seem right for each person? I am eager to hear what you think. All reviews help fuel me to pump out chapters faster than ever. Any review that I do get is taken to heart in my writing and I try and give each one a thoughtful response.
If you enjoyed this story and want to keep up to date, favorite and follow so you get a notification when the next chapter is released.
If you want to see more of my work, you can find my other stories through my profile. I like to think they are pretty good too.
A pleasure as always,
Titan900