.

.

What must it be like

To grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominoes

My mind turns your life into folklore

I can't dare to dream about you anymore

"He can't love me," Dawn wiped the bile on her lips, clutching the petals in other hand,"And I can't stop loving him."

Her heart was burning, her throat was on fire. She wishes she could take some miracle drug and just be done with it. But, who in the world would have the drug for some fictional disease? But she was suffering, her pain was real, wasn't it? Was it really fictional?

She wanted to laugh. At her stupidity. At her naivety. At her hopelessness.

Because she wanted to express how she felt to him. Tell him how she was suffering. Tell him all about her feelings. Tell him how she had woven him in every thought, every prayer, every thing she has.

He is her best friend. He would understand, wouldn't he? Even if he can't reciprocate her feelings, he would surely understand her, right? Guide her like he always does? Give her the advice she so strongly needs?

But... What if all she ends up doing is pushing him away? Forever and ever?

The doorbell rang and she jumped on her feet, startled. She shoved the petals into her pockets and rushed downstairs, towards her small cafe and pushed the door open.

He marched into her space like he owned it. He probably did, afterall he was the one she craved. Even if no one comes to her small shop, him being here was enough. Everything she ever wanted was right there infront of her. All within her grasp. So far away yet so so so so close. So close that she could reach and touch him. So far that she couldn't feel him the way she wanted.

"Hello."

"Hello," Dawn sat down on the seat opposite to him,"How was your day?"

She watched as he put his head on the table, groaning. "Kids are scary."

"What happened?"

"I had to explain why he couldn't bring his pet lizard to school," Ash laughed,"I mean, he surely can but I am sure the lizard wouldn't appreciate staying in a pocket for hours."

Dawn wanted to run her fingers over his cheek and trace the small cut on his chin. She can never admit it to his face but she found it so adorable. The way his eyes squinted when he went on and on about his day, the way his lips curled up whenever he explained something funny, the way his lashes complimented his pretty eyes, she could go on and on about why she found him adorable but could never voice it.

"How was your day?"

Dawn wanted to laugh. "Like always." I coughed up petals. "A new customer came today. She wanted to order some gender reveal cakes." My throat is still burning. "It's a boy." The petals are in my pocket. They are pretty, like your eyes. I can't get rid of them. "Its a small party but I am gonna have a hectic day tomorrow." I love you.

Something flashed across his pretty face and he reached towards her, brushing some loose strand of hair behind her ears. "You look sick."

I am. "Maybe because I was reading a book till late night."

"Are you hiding something from me?"

"No." A white lie. "Why?"

He shrugged,"You look sick. And lost in thoughts. Are you sure you are okay?"

Dawn wanted to touch him. Lay her head on his chest and tell him all about her day. Speak what was on her mind and explain everything. She wanted to scream. But all that came out was a small, weak laugh. "Don't be silly. Want some coffee?"

"Nah," he yawned,"I had some before coming here."

"Haww," she giggled,"Cheating on your favourite coffee shop. Not fair Ash."

"A friend made me some," He grinned,"Not a coffee shop. Silly."

She bit her tongue. A friend? Female friend? Deep within her bones she could feel a chill running. The way he smiled... No. She can't spiral into thoughts like this when she didn't even have any concrete proof. And what if it was someone who was close to him? He didn't owe her his time, his affections, his thoughts.

But...

"Are you sure you don't want to find some other work?" Ash asked her, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Just because your mom left for a tour doesn't mean you have to manage her shop on her behalf."

"I..." Dawn could feel her heart clenching. No..no..no.. she couldn't cough petals now. She can't. Not infront of him. She clenched the chair and took in a deep breath. "I am okay. I am done with corporate for a while."

"Dawnie..."

"Moreover, its not like I have to manage the shop. It helps me pass the time." And it brings you here.

Ash looked skeptical and Dawn thought anytime now, she would become undone. He had something about him, something deeply magnetic which pulled her closer to him and she couldn't leave. Almost as if he was a drug and no matter how much she was suffering because of it, she couldn't pull away.

"There's a cosplay convention in next town," Dawn broke the silence. "I am thinking of attending. What about you?"

"Who are you cosplaying?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Can you grab me a ticket too?" Ash placed his palm on top of hers and Dawn felt electricity coursing through her veins,"Its been a while since we did this! Remember how fun it was?"

Obviously. She met him at one. She loves conventions. She loves him.

"I know," Dawn laughed but didn't pull her palm away. "What are you gonna wear? I mean, who are you gonna be?"

"Probably Zhongli," He grinned,"I have some things ready. Others I can manage. Hey, you can cosplay as Tartaglia. You like his character, don't you?"

She does. And her did a somersault because he remembered.

"Sounds good."

Ash squeezed her hand and gave her the widest smile she had ever seen and for a moment, she forgot who she was. Would it be weird if she intertwined her fingers around him? It would be, wouldn't it? But she desperately wanted to touch him.

It was funny. How much she craved him and how much her mind warned her to stay away.

She watched as he left after a while, his perfume still lingering in the air. He looked so calm and composed to everyone but she knew how crazy he could be at times. She knew how much he hated when someone interrupted him. She knew he found puns funny. She knew he liked his coffee a little bit bitter. She knew he liked to gossip but only with his close friends.

She liked that she shared his interests. His hobbies. His beliefs. And she also knew that she wasn't someone who he will ever love.

Because he was someone who needed someone carefree and reckless and spontaneous. And she had inherent melancholia inside of her which she couldn't explain. She was anything but calm and collected. She wore her disdain on her face and liked to isolate. Someone like her would be such a great friend. But that's all she'll ever be to him.

The doorbell dingled and she looked up, smiling at the new customer.

The petals in her pocket were a grim reminder that she was running out of time. She didn't even know what to do. Call a doctor? After all her symptoms were self diagnosed.

But a case like her would make her famous no? No matter how much she tried to hide it? Could she really risk it? And what if Ash finds out? Wouldn't he be angry she kept such a thing from him?

"Can I get some macarons to go?"

Dawn smiled at the customer and packed up the food. The customer left soon after and she sat down, opened up the register and put the petals inside. The small bag had quite a handful of them and she wondered if she could make a garland out of it.

"When did you get into dyeing flowers?"

Startled, she tried to shut the register but a hand firmly stopped her from doing so.

"What are you-"

"I left my scarf here," Ash grinned at her,"Seriously though, these petals looks so real. Are these dyed or just really well made?"

"These are real," Dawn finally shut the register, her heart thrumming against her ribcage. This can't be happening. He can't be here. He shouldn't be here! "I didn't hear you get in."

"I got in when the man walked out," Ash gave her a flick on the forehead,"You looked distracted and it would have been so easy to rob you."

"But you won't."

"I can. If needed," He tried to look scary but it made her laugh instead.

"Yes yes, Tough Guy," She got up, praying that he forgot all about the flowers. She can't... She just couldn't tell him about it.

"These petals though," Ash started,"The colours are so weird though."

She wanted to pull his hair out,"Its chocolate coloured."

"More like mud," Ash laughed.

"Hey," What was she even doing? Defending him against himself? Oh the tragedy. "Its pretty. And come on, don't you have someone else to annoy?"

"Oh right, I need to get some groceries before returning home. I'll see you tomorrow," Ash said as he grabbed the scarf and gave her a two finger salute,"Take care Dawnie."

"You too."

This has been a hectic month. Dealing with workload and impending deadlines while all I wanted to do was curl up and cry was... something I guess.

I hope August will be kinder.

~darkestlightofhope