He woke up with a jolt, when another body slammed into his side and an elbow hit him on the ribcage. He groaned, but that didn't wake up the owner of the elbow. He knew she occasionally did that when he was snoring, but considering how she was deep asleep, that couldn't have been it. Besides he didn't usually snore unless he was really tired and worn out from the day, which he definitely wasn't from sitting in the office.
She whimpered quietly by his side from where she had collided into him.
Elliot moved his arm around her and soothed her.
It didn't bother him. It never had. He'd spent his fair share of nights trying to pull her back from the night terrors, not so much in the later years, more so back in the days she was still a detective, hitting its peak after Lewis had abducted her and in the year that followed. He gained plenty of insights into her nightmares and how to defuse them during these times. He knew she'd done the same for him, and she'd keep doing it as needed just like he would. It was one of their unspoken agreements.
She seemed to relax, then rolled further onto her side hugging her pillow, their hips were barely touching underneath the covers, enough to be aware of the presence of another body in the bed, but not enough to be pervasive. Ever since she started getting hot flashes, Olivia wanted more space during the nights and it made him realize, that he didn't mind staying to his side of the bed, other times she would need him closer and she'd drape her body halfway over his, and sometimes he needed to wrap his body around hers for peace of mind. Most nights though, they'd go through cycles of being wrapped around each other to occupying separate sides of the bed. More often than not these days they would fall asleep on their own side holding hands or having their shoulder brush together, but sometime during the night find each other under the covers and by the time the alarm went off, they'd be a tangled mess of limbs in the middle of the bed just like their bodies were accustomed to.
He reached his hand out to place it on her back for comfort, when she shivered and then whimpered again. And then relaxed again even before he could calm her.
He rubbed his hand soothingly over her back nevertheless, his fingers tracing the small sliver of skin exposed just above the waistband of her pants. He thought about coaxing her into him, but decided against it as she seemed to settle down again. She must've been having a bad dream. He leaned over her for just a moment to press his lips against her warm forehead, then slouched down next to her with his palm on her side.
He closed his eyes and almost fell back asleep, but that was almost.
Olivia whimpered again and shivered, her body tensed, she threw herself further from him on the bed, her limbs all stretched in different directions like a starfish for a moment, then curled herself into a ball and relaxed.
He moved closer with his arms around her in a heartbeat and his chest pressed against her back. He whispered her name. He moved his leg over her and fully enveloped her.
Something was obviously bothering her; she'd been restless for a few nights already. She hadn't said anything about having a bad case at work recently, he couldn't remember Ayanna mentioning anything about SVU – she did that occasionally, when she heard about especially heinous case from 1PP – and Fin hadn't texted him either like he usually did, when it was a bad case, or a perp got under Olivia's skin or 1PP was on her case. But there had been nothing.
Same as home – the boys were doing fine, nothing out of the ordinary and Elliot couldn't remember putting extra stress onto her either. It might've been a week or two too long since the last time they had time to be intimate other than a quick almost scheduled mutual need for release, but that wouldn't seep into her dreams and disturb her like this. She'd ask for sex when she wanted it and he would give her the intimacy she craved, she'd never been shy about asking what she needed, and he'd deliver – that's how it worked after almost two decades of being together.
It wasn't a full-blown nightmare yet, it almost felt like something was winding and winding, but then dissolving before becoming all-encompassing nightmare. It's almost like her orgasm after a tense day – he would be doing his best work helping her climb closer and closer to the edge, but then just before the climax is about to reach her, she'd lose it and he'd start again from the beginning. That nightmare felt a bit like that – collapsing before it could fully develop and then starting to build up again.
Even though he wasn't aware of what, something was on his wife's mind.
She relaxed in his arms further. He was almost tempted to go back to sleep like this, but he was aware how she was sleeping on her left hip, and he knew she'd be sore in the morning unless she found another position – that damned bullet in Ohio. Elliot loosened his hold around her and rolled onto his back while coaxing her to follow him. His own aching body found relief lying on his back and his soul found it's mate when Olivia's head rested on his shoulder and her body curled into his.
"Oh, honey, I love you so much," he whispered.
She wouldn't have heard him; she wasn't even awake. Olivia found calm in her sleep, when she was wrapped around his body and the familiar scent of his aftershave surrounded her. Her steady breath against his neck was enough to lull him back to sleep. He knew the effects he had on her nightmares, it's the same one she had on him. Some nights it was the smell of her shower gel or moisturizer, other times it was her palm against his chest or her lips against his cheek and sometimes it was her head on the crook of his neck and the familiar weight of her body covering him.
He didn't wake up again until the alarm clock started ringing on the bedside counter and Olivia groaned at the intrusion. She was still sleeping against his side with her head on the crook of his neck. Her reaction was to bury her face further into him and close her eyes while he stopped the annoying buzzing, his arm remained around her while he moved, so as not to lose the warmth her body radiated.
"I can't believe it's morning already, I feel like I just went to sleep," she complained.
Elliot wanted to say that she had a restless night, but he didn't, he didn't want to tell her about the bad dreams in case she didn't remember. Instead, he kissed the top of her head and pulled her into him. "How about I'll go get the breakfast started and you can stay in bed for another 15 minutes," he suggested.
"I knew there was a reason why I married you," she replied.
Elliot smiled proudly. She kissed his thick neck muscles and closed her eyes for the promised extra 15 minutes of sleep. He replied by pressing his lips against the corner of her mouth before slipping out from underneath her. Olivia groaned, but accepted the pillow he was offering – it wasn't quite the warm body she wanted, but it had the same comforting smell of the man she loved.
"Maybe tonight we can have some time alone, when the boys are in bed. We haven't for a bit. Not properly anyway," she mumbled.
"Looking forward to it," he said. He leaned down to pull the sheet over her shoulders and kiss her cheek tenderly. He had a few tricks up in his sleeve to put her mind at ease and push whatever was bothering her far from her mind that night.
XXX
Elliot managed to get Olivia to drop the boys at school, while he went to her precinct and waited in the parking garage. He didn't have to wait for long before a familiar black sedan pulled up in a marked parking spot.
He left his car and approached his old coworker, who emerged from his car.
"Stabler, what are you doing here?" Fin asked, there was a hint of concern in his voice, but not enough to alarm Elliot.
"Waiting for you," Elliot replied with a small chuckle.
"Liv okay?" Fin asked with concern.
Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "Something's bothering her, and I thought I'd start eliminating from the most obvious places," he explained.
"You sure, you haven't done anything wrong?" Fin asked, teasing without any malice in his voice.
"Not that I'm aware of."
Fin laughed.
"Has she told you anything?" Elliot asked with some concern.
Fin shook his head.
"I can't help you, man. Work's been slow, which is odd for SVU, our open cases are your usual stranger rapes, some college party gone wrong and creepy Tinder guy, but nothing out of the ordinary. I also haven't seen any of the brass in weeks," Fin spoke. "You sure you haven't forgotten anniversary or something like that?"
"Our wedding anniversary is in August, and it's May," Elliot replied.
His phone vibrated and Ayanna's name flashed on the screen.
"I've gotta go, but…"
"I'll let you know if something comes to mind," Fin finished for Elliot.
Elliot thanked Fin before picking up his phone and rushing back to his car.
XXX
They had managed to sneak in some alone time after the boys were asleep. Elliot made sure to take his time with her and make sure she was plenty satisfied by the time he collapsed on top of her and whispered how amazing she'd been. He could still feel her around him, taste her on his tongue and there was a red mark surrounded by teeth marks on his shoulder, where she had bitten down. He'd left his own mark just above her left breast low enough to be covered by any work shirt and another one on the right side of her abdomen by her hipbone.
She had fallen asleep quickly. At first, she was by his side with her head hidden in his neck and her hair all over his chest, but she rolled to her side midway through the night and while Elliot felt her move away, he was too tired to go chasing after her. She seemed at peace.
That until a small cry echoed through the room. It was enough to wake him up like a glass of cold water had been thrown at his face.
She jerked in her sleep and groaned, then a shiver passed down her body when another quiet cry echoed through the bedroom and her body inched closer to his like she was seeking comfort.
It was a bit more than just a bad dream. Something was seriously troubling her mind.
"Liv," he whispered into the quiet bedroom just as his arms found her and his body enveloped her from behind. He slipped one arm underneath her and around her shoulders, the other rested on her belly. His lips found her cheek. "Baby, I've got you," he whispered.
"No," she whimpered and tried to fight against him and his hold around her. She cried out weakly. Her legs were trying to kick him, and her fingers curled around his forearms in an attempt to free herself.
"Olivia."
"Let me go," she begged in her sleep. She sounded vulnerable and weak. It wasn't just a bad dream, Elliot knew exactly what or rather who she was seeing. It had been months since the last time he suspected William Lewis visited her nightmares, and then he managed to stop the nightmare from fully developing. Most of the time, she woke him up – though unintentionally – when the nightmare was still building up and he knew he had the power to derail her dreams into something more pleasant or turn them into black nothingness, and that's what he did, and the night terrors were downgraded to something she probably didn't even remember in the morning.
"Liv, it's El. I've got you. He can't hurt you, baby," he said calmly against her ear and planted a kiss just below it. "You're safe."
She stopped fighting against him, but the tension in her body remained. "El?"
"I'm right here, he can't hurt you anymore," he assured her and tightened his arms around her. He relaxed, knowing he was getting through, and the end of the dream was coming. Oh, these nights he wished Lewis was rotting away in some dark hole he could visit and unleash his anger at for all the pain he caused – and is still causing to Olivia. He would have gladly used Lewis as a boxing bag until every bone in his body had been turned into powder.
"He's never going to hurt you again."
"Elliot…"
She was waking up.
"I'm right here, baby. You are safe."
"El…"
He kissed her cheek, he allowed his aftershave to spread around her to assist his efforts to pull her back from the dream, his palm on her abdomen spread out and fingers moved over her skin comfortingly and non-sexually.
"Come back to me baby," he whispered.
"Lewis!"
Her eyes shot open and her body tensed up, she tried to escape his arms, but he didn't bolt. He was fully aware how he was restricting her, but he also knew her well enough to know that she'd be looking for the security his body around her would offer in a matter of seconds.
"Elliot," he corrected her. "Babe, it's me, you are safe. He is long gone, and he will never touch you again," he spoke softly while holding onto her, she had moved his fingers to hold onto the forearm he had around her. He moved it just enough to expose his marines tattoo so if she opened her eyes, she could see that it was him.
She relaxed and then cursed loudly. She was fully awake now. She wrapped her hand around the tattoo, allowed her body to lean back into him and sighed.
"It felt so real," she said through labored breaths.
He could almost feel her heart thumping against her ribcage and her stomach moving up and down while she was taking in quick shallow breaths.
"But it's not real. He isn't here, it's only us here. It's you and me and our boys sleeping in the other room," he assured her.
"Did I wake them? Was I loud?"
"The boys are asleep."
She fully wrapped her arm around his wrist and surprised Elliot, when she lifted his arm from her abdomen and moved it away from her, then she scooted to the edge of the bed and sat there with her back towards Elliot.
"Babe?"
Olivia shook her head.
This was new.
Elliot pushed himself up to a sitting position, but didn't move, didn't follow her, he didn't do anything at all that could threaten Olivia. Her moving away from him after a nightmare was something new. It didn't feel right.
"I could feel him."
Elliot remained still.
"I felt him on top of me, I felt his hands all over me, the scent of vodka and cigarettes surrounding him, I felt the sweat from his body. I could feel it like it was happening, like it wasn't just part of brain's creation…" she spoke quietly while taking deep breaths. "El… I felt him inside me."
His eyes shot wide open.
"I've never felt that before, I've never had a dream of him raping me," she said harshly.
"Liv," he whispered. He moved towards her and placed his palm on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. He retreated a bit like a wounded animal, but he didn't move away from her, he remained hovering just behind her back. "You said he didn't…" he spoke cautiously.
"To my knowledge he didn't," she corrected him. She didn't need to remind him that she doesn't have a full recollection of the events during those 4 days, she spent almost half of it unconscious either knocked out or under the influence of a cocktail of drugs, alcohol and sleeping pills. There was always a lingering thought that he could've raped her during the time she was unconscious or when she was too drunk to remember, they knew it.
"I don't know El. I don't think he did," she spoke.
"His profile said he got off on struggle and violence, that's what you used in the granary."
Olivia's shoulders slouched. She leaned forward, ran her hand through her hair, then hid her head in her palms.
"But he also wanted to be in my head, so raping me while I'm incapacitated would be a perfect thing to do," she said heavily.
Elliot cursed loudly. He approached her again and tried to offer some comfort by placing his palm on her shoulder again. This time she didn't push him away. "Liv…" he spoke, then halted, suddenly he didn't know what to say. He knew how to approach a victim, but he didn't quite know how to act, when the victim was his wife. Or when the crime happened a decade ago, as a detective he never saw that part of the journey.
"What do you need?" he asked in a whisper.
"I don't know," she replied.
"Okay."
Elliot sat still, his thumb was smoothing over her shoulder. He resigned to sitting behind her back, while she figured it out. Some days she needed space like that, she needed to think through whatever was bothering her alone at first and only after she gained some clarity would she come to him. He knew that and he wished she didn't shut him out, but he wouldn't force him onto her. He'd stay in his corner until he was invited into hers. So that's what he did.
"I can't shake the feeling of him," she admitted finally. "I still feel his hands on me. I feel him all around… I can't…" she spoke with tearful voice and moved her hands over herself as if trying to clean herself. "I can't get him out." She cried.
Elliot's heart broke a little more. He was done being in the sidelines now. He sat behind her, his legs encircling her and wrapped his arms around her middle.
"No, El…" She started to protest, probably tried to remind him that she needed to see him or that she didn't want any physical contact, but then he turned his forearm, and the old familiar tattoo became visible again.
"Olivia, I'm not him," he reminded her. He pushed her hair over her right shoulder and placed his chin on her left. He kissed the side of her head.
"I know."
"Do you really want me to leave you alone and give you space?" he asked seriously.
She shook her head.
He hugged her a little tighter, while she wrapped her fingers around the marines' tattoo and relaxed into him. She was taking calculated deep breaths, her eyes fell shut. For a moment she allowed him to fill all her senses until there was nothing left but him. His lips were against her neck, he was being so gentle with her.
"Is he leaving yet?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Good, I don't like to share," he said with a hint of jealousy, even if it was just to enlighten the mood so slightly.
She relaxed further into him and threw her head back against his shoulder. She kept her eyes closed. Her one hand lingered down to his thigh, her fingers travelled all the way to his knee and back up. It looked as if she was reminding herself that it was in fact Elliot and nobody else.
"Is there any part of him still left?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Where?"
Olivia swallowed.
She moved her palm up and caressed his freshly shaven cheek. He leaned into her palm.
"Liv, let me help get rid of him. You don't belong to him. He doesn't get to have any part of you. You are in control, not him," he spoke, letting his possessive claim over her die on his tongue, but she'd know it already. Some other night she'd proclaim how she belonged to him, and he would grunt like a caveman over her naked body, while claiming her to be his. Not this time though.
She stood up, only getting a frustrated groan as a response from him, but she didn't move far, she turned around and faced him for the first time since her nightmare disturbed their sleep. She settled in standing between his legs, her palms on his shoulder and his arms around her waist.
"Elliot, I need you," she said.
"Sitting right here, Captain," he said and smirked.
She took one of his hands in hers and joined their fingers. He was looking at her with questions in his eyes, but she was avoiding the piercing blue irises following her every movement. She took a deep breath and sighed, just like she was nervous.
"El, I can still feel him here," she said as he took his palm and guided that between her legs. She let go of his hand, allowing his fingers to move over her folds through her sleep shorts and cupped her protectively. She covered his palm with her hand.
"I hate the feeling like he was inside me, like he had the right to touch me, like he had an invitation," she said with venom.
"He didn't have the right. He didn't have permission," he assured her.
"I know," she spat out.
She leaned further into him, his other hand snaked around her back, holding her while his face was suddenly buried in between her perfect breasts.
"El, I need you to make me remember that. I don't wanna have him there, I can't feel like he was the last man to touch me. Elliot, I need you… Christ… El, I really need you to make me remember what it's like with you, because all I can feel is him moving inside me and I can't… El, I can't feel like this. Elliot, I really need…," she broke off, she sounded vulnerable, which wasn't like her at all. He tried to soothe her, comfort her with his body against her, his one arm protectively around her and the other protecting her vagina. "I need you to make me forget El," she spoke.
"Come here," he whispered before lying down on the bed and pulling her down with him. He pushed himself further so he was fully in the bed while making sure Olivia didn't steer far from him.
He caught her head with both of his hands and held her steady for a moment so that he could kiss her on the lips. He sucked on her lower lip until she opened her mouth for his tongue to seek out his. He kissed her until the need for air overtook his need for her.
"Are you sure about this, babe?" he asked for confirmation.
Olivia placed her palm against his chest and pushed herself up.
"You don't want me anymore?"
Before she could roll herself away, he grabbed hold of her and halted her movements. "Liv, of course I want you. I'm so in love with you, always will be," he assured her. "I wanna make sure I'm not going to hurt you or make you uncomfortable in any way."
"You're not," she assured him. "I'm sure."
Elliot nodded, accepted her confirmation and got to work. He too hated that Olivia felt like Lewis had touched her, had raped her and he hated that she still felt like he had a part of her. He would gladly remind her of how sex is supposed to feel like.
He rolled them around, placed a quick kiss to her cheek, then moved down bypassing his usual stops until he found the hem of her sleep shorts, and with some help from her he pushed them down and Olivia kicked them away. He spread her legs like so many times before and without any further hesitation he found the sensitive nub and placed a kiss on it, then took it between his lips and used his tongue in well-practiced manner to start working on her.
Her hands were on the back of his head, keeping him just where she wanted and he kept delivering what she needed, yet he could tell she was struggling to keep her mind focused.
"I'll add my fingers, honey," he told her before he teased her opening with his thick index finger and then slipped that inside of her. She was a bit wet, but not as quite wet as he had hoped.
Her movements stopped him, she was moving on the bed, stretching herself and when he looked up she had dug out a bottle of lubricant from the top drawer.
"El," she said in almost a whisper with her eyebrows raised and her jaw set. He knew what she was asking for, he also could see how she was almost too wound up to reach an orgasm at all.
He sat up, squirted some of the lube on his fingers, then ran them through her folds and teased her opening by transferring the liquid from his fingers to her. He rid himself of his boxer briefs – eating her had luckily been enough to make him grow hard – and spread more lube around his erection.
There was some hesitation in him, he was about to have sex with her just after she woke up from a nightmare of being sexually assaulted. Yeah, there was a part of him which didn't want to do this.
Maybe he was trying to buy time or give her another chance to change her mind, but he picked up the bottle of lube again and got some more to spread over him and then her. He was touching her gently, and so carefully.
"Come here," she asked and held her arms out for him to fall into.
He came willingly, collapsed on top of her and buried his face in her neck. Her hands slipped around his back tenderly, holding him at the same spot she had dug her nails into hours earlier.
"El, I need your help to get him out of my mind," she spoke quietly.
"I can help with that," he replied. He could.
Olivia reached down between them and took his penis in her hand. He groaned as she pumped him a few times and then guided him to her entrance and he did the rest until he was buried deep inside her. Olivia started rolling her hips impatiently, so he started thrusting in and out at steady slow pace like he did during the times when there was no rush, no need for quick release, it was just them making love and letting their bodies come together.
There was a slight hitch in her breathing every time their hips met, he felt the tension in her body and a part of him wanted to stop, he didn't want to cause her any discomfort or hurt while being intimate. The other part of him knew what she was after and knew that it was for her benefit to keep going. He found her lips and kissed her lazily with Olivia responding with equal laziness, their focus on something else entirely. And once he moved his lips to her neck, the sharp intake of breath had disappeared and was replaced by low quiet moans. He stretched out his fingers against her upper back making sure to hold her tightly, hold her like she's loved.
He felt Olivia move her hand from his back to in between their bodies and look for her clit. He heard it before he felt it – she gasped, then exhaled sharply followed by the familiar upward push of her hips and the shivers going through her body. He was glad she had reached her peak - he'd been holding back, and her release gave him permission to seek his and he succumbed to his pleasure when she was still having her aftershocks. It felt so good.
As he was about to roll away and pull her in with him – he wouldn't leave her on the other side of the bed after a night they'd had – but she shook her head and held onto him. There was no way he was gonna allow her to drift away from the sanctuary of his embrace before the morning came and she had to.
"Don't," she whispered. She tightened her hold around his back and nudged his outer thigh with her inner thigh. "Don't go just yet."
"Okay," he said. He wasn't gonna deny her request. He leaned over and kissed her neck just below her jaw and then moved lower until his face hit the pillow next to her. He knew what she was after – she wanted to feel his weight on top of her and push away the memories of Lewis climbing over her; she needed to replace all of them. She needed to feel all of Elliot on top of her like a weighted blanket.
He breathed her in, patiently waiting until she was ready. Once long enough time had passed that he felt himself falling back asleep, but she remained perfectly still underneath him like she didn't want him to leave, he knew he had to move - neither of them would feel great in the morning should they drift off.
"Babe, you need to pee," he reminded her.
"I know," she replied.
He rolled away from her, his now fully soft penis breaking their join which made her gasp and him groan and allowed her to leave the bed and enter their bathroom. He made himself useful and grabbed himself a fresh pair of boxer briefs, located her sleep shorts and left them on the edge of the bed for her, he cleaned up the bed, then got comfortable on his back, waiting until she'd be back so she could curl up to him and hopefully they could get back to sleep.
He glanced at the red numbers on the alarm clock, which read 2:06. They had plenty of time until they had to wake up.
She didn't disappoint and some minutes later he heard her flush, then the tap running and shortly after she reappeared. Olivia pulled on the pants he left for her – as parents they didn't have the luxury of falling asleep without their clothes on.
Olivia found him under the covers, she laid her head on his chest, her arm draped over his abdomen and her thigh thrown over his and her toes against his calf.
"Feel better?" he asked.
"Much." She patted his belly gently with affection and kissed his chest. "Thank you."
He pressed his lips into the crown of her head with appreciation.
"Do you think you can go back to sleep without seeing him?"
"Yes."
"Good."
He relaxed a bit, tightened his arms around her and pulled her flush against him. His arms around her were strong, they were all too familiar in a way they snaked around her back, his one palm against her waist and the other on her back – he was possessive and protective, and it felt too damn good.
"You know this is what I thought about during those days," she spoke. Her voice was quiet and soft. "I thought about coming home to you and Ben, I dreamt of being in your arms again."
"It's where you belong, babe."
Olivia nuzzled into him appreciatively, her palm moved higher to cup his cheek with affection.
"Do you know what brought this on?" he asked, sensing that she wouldn't be falling asleep yet, neither was he. He started fidgeting with his hand resting on her waist, his fingers toying with the shirt she was wearing.
"No."
"Something must've. It's been a few nights that you've had bad dreams," he informed her.
"What? How do you know?"
"You've been restless for a few nights now. I don't think they've been as bad though."
"I don't remember. I'm sor…"
"Don't apologize," he cut her off. "It's fine. Doesn't bother me." He brushed it off with ease like he'd done the laundry or picked up his socks from the floor.
She lifted her head from his shoulder and rested her palm on the bed beside his head. She was tired, she was also looking at him with newfound adoration he hadn't seen in awhile. "Thank you." She placed a peck on his cheek just above where the stubble started, then settled back onto resting her head on his shoulder.
"Liv… Do you think this has anything to do with the EMDR therapy you've been going to?"
She frowned. She pushed herself further up and she would've probably placed some space between them if Elliot hadn't been holding her against him. "Don't pull away. You know I'll be here for whatever you need and I'm not gonna ask you to stop seeing her – if you think it's working and making you feel better, then I support this. But I also want you to be free of those nightmares."
"I don't…." She sighed and lifted her palm from the bed to run it through her hair like she always did. "I don't know El. I spoke about Lewis during the first sessions, but we haven't been focusing on that for months." She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed again. Elliot removed his own hand from her back to place it on her cheek comfortingly.
"Liv, honey, it's okay. It's probably just random," he spoke softly. His thumb caressed her cheek, moving just below her cheekbone following the familiar pattern.
"I can stop if you want me to. I'm still seeing Lindstrom, he's good and he knows all about… Everything," she suggested.
"I want you to feel better, I'm not gonna tell you to stop therapy if you think it's working. It's for you to decide, not me."
There was a pause in the air, before she leaned down and pressed her lips against his, she kissed him slowly as in a thank you. After pulling apart her head found the familiar crook beside his shoulder, and she relaxed against him.
"I don't think anyone bad is daring to enter my dreams when I'm like this," she said.
"Mmm… I think so too," he agreed.
And suddenly she felt as tired as she should be at 2 am, and quite unexpectedly and swiftly, she fell asleep – her body relaxed and her breath evened out. Just as suddenly he felt exhausted and before he realized, he had fallen asleep as well – he knew he slept well when his personal Olivia Benson-Stabler shaped weighted blanket was around him. He never knew before why some women liked to sleep on top of their man, and more so why some men wanted their women so close all the time. He got it now. There was no going back for him.
***SVU***
It was only after she'd looked at her calendar around lunchtime and set down an appointment with Noah's teacher for later that week, when she noticed that it was Tuesday and 21st of May. Which meant that the day before – the night before – had been 20th of May 2024. And that meant it had been 10 years since William Lewis. She'd never done anything on the anniversary, she'd never mentioned it, she definitely didn't revisit the old memories – she only did that against her will. She couldn't remember Elliot doing anything either, except maybe hover a bit closer and hold her a bit tighter. It had always been just a date. For 10 years these 4 days at the end of May were just dates she knew, dates she wanted to forget. She remembered reading a from some book how all symbols were once just random objects, but we make them special, give them a meaning and that's how they become symbols. She didn't want to make those days special; she didn't want to give them a meaning, it was decided for her by a person who'd become her worst nightmare.
She opened her email and decided to read the daily email from 1-PP with the news of today and announcements and usually some motivational quote on the top right corner. "Live, laugh, love." It was almost ironic that she still had that Christmas decoration somewhere in the apartment, most likely somewhere with Elliot's things. She had wanted to throw it away, but Elliot insisted on keeping it, she didn't understand why. It was after they'd thrown out the old Christmas tree and taken down the decorations, that he took it to their bedroom. She'd protested, but all he did was break off the letter "E" and handed that to her. He showed her the new fixed ornament "Liv laugh love."
"There, I fixed it," he had said proudly. She closed her fingers around his initial that he had placed in her palm. Maybe there was something to be said about the fact that he had to break off the first letter of his name to fix the ornament McCanns had given them. She still had the letter somewhere in her handbag. She'd seen that there last week and instead of throwing it out kept it there for good luck.
Her eyes skimmed over the email talking about one or two new procedures, some upgrades to their computer systems, warnings about scams and milestones for some of the detectives. Per usual there was a healthy looking recipe, which she always thought about trying, but would never get around to.
And then she saw it. Buried at the bottom of the email, that nobody read – that Olivia didn't usually read – was a small photo of her from the time she was still a detective with a small text next to it: "10 years passed since Captain Olivia Benson escaped from William Lewis. Lewis broke into her apartment on the 20th of May in 2014 and held Benson captive until her heroic escape 4 days later. Click on the link below for the details and the timeline of the harrowing attack."
Olivia didn't click on the link. She closed the email. She looked around the squadroom to see if anyone was sending extra glances into her office, but everything looked perfectly normal. It had been 10 years, you'd think it would be forgotten. Fin definitely remembered it. And Amanda. The rest of her squad were too new for this.
xxx
She arrived home after Elliot. He was already in the kitchen cooking dinner; it smelled amazing as always. She locked her service weapon, took off her boots, coat and blazer, before she passed through the hallway and entered the kitchen.
"Hey."
"Hey, babe."
There was no need for her to warn him before she walked up from behind him, placed her cheek on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist. It was only then that she realized how she had wanted to do this since she saw the daily email from 1PP. She closed her eyes breathing in the familiar scent of her husband.
He covered her palm with his on his midsection, he'd normally turn around and wrap himself around her, but he couldn't stop stirring the pasta sauce he'd been so carefully making. The boys might not appreciate him burning their dinner just so that he could hug their mother.
"Good day at work?" he asked.
"Mhmm."
"Tired?"
"Yeah." She was mentally exhausted. "How was your day?"
"Eeh… Paperwork mostly. Jet installed some new tracking app on our phone, which she can turn on if needed and new antivirus software from Vargas. I leave dealing with the phone to the new guys."
She couldn't help but think if that tracking app would have saved her all those years ago.
"I'll see if I can have Jet send me the link to that if I need to check up on you."
"She would, in fact she mentioned already that she could share it with you if you wanted to. And she'd teach you how to turn it on."
Olivia smiled.
"I've got nothing to hide from you, you know that."
"I know."
He tasted the sauce, then added more herbs and continued stirring, all the while holding her hands with his left. Suppose he needed her touch as much as she did.
"Did you read your emails?"
"I read some of them. Did you send me something?"
She chuckled. "No, I know better to send you an email."
He laughed.
"I think I have about 200 unread emails. Ayanna and Jet keep reminding me to sort them out," he agreed.
His answer was enough to know that he hadn't read the 1PP daily and even if he opened it, he hadn't scrolled all the way to the bottom like she had. That was the difference between being a captain or a detective.
"That should keep you from running around and mingling with the bad guys."
Suddenly, without any warning she saw him. The same psychotic smile, the sweat ridden face and the same crazy hazel eyes which turned into greenish under certain light. She jolted and opened her eyes. There was nobody in the kitchen besides her 200-pound husband.
She really needed to get that man out of her mind and replace the horrors of those days with the man standing in her kitchen making dinner.
"You okay?" he asked casually.
She nodded against his back.
"Yeah. I'll go change before dinner."
She let go of him, but he kept his fingers around hers and when she stepped back, he turned around and pulled her into his embrace. He pressed his lips against hers and wrapped his strong muscled arms around her, unknowingly giving her what she didn't quite realize that she needed.
"Now you can go." He decided.
Olivia rolled her eyes, a smile creeped up on her face as she was reminded once again that she had waited and then married the right one.
"Oh, if you see Ben then remind him that he's grounded, and I confiscated his phone. He might want it back, but don't give him that. He tried to cut class to go drink in a park. A teacher got them, Ben didn't have any alcohol in his bag, so they let him off with a warning," Elliot spoke.
Olivia's eyes grew wide.
"What? Why didn't they call me?"
"The teacher thought calling a NYPD captain could send a wrong message, detective is just a little better," Elliot explained. "It's not like Ben has a non-NYPD parent." Back in the days it was always Kathy who got those phone calls, also she was the parent who stayed home and could come pick up their kids whenever it was needed.
"For what it's worth he said that he had wanted to impress a girl."
"Rosie."
"That's the one."
"He also knows that's something that will work with his dad."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Some days I feel like I'm still trying to impress my girl."
Olivia rolled her eyes. He did try sometimes. He almost always succeeded.
"It's the first time he's done something like that, so I figured we'll ground him for a month and take away his phone for a few days. I gave him my old one so he can still call us if he needed to, but no social media."
Some other night, some other date she might have challenged it, but she was in no mood to deal with her misbehaving son. He'd become first almost always, but this time – for the next 2 days – she'd need to put herself first and sort out her anxious mind. Luckily, she had a partner who could carry the weight of being a parent when she couldn't.
Olivia was glad she was no longer living in the old apartment, where it had started. She didn't have any bad memories like that in the apartment they moved into right after or the new one with city views, downstairs gym and a doorman.
Her bedroom didn't remind her of being gagged up and burned with her own keys – the old key to her apartment being a permanent mark on her upper thigh – and the smell of cigarettes would always make her stomach turn. She could almost smell it then. Vodka. Whiskey. Cigarettes. Serena had also preferred vodka, but Olivia never kept that in her house.
In a way she'd been grateful that Elliot had taken Ben up to DC to visit Kathleen, who was doing an internship in one of the family law firms, and then the boys went on a fishing trip, which Elliot cut short after Cragen had called him. She was glad Ben wasn't home when Lewis broke in, but another part of her wanted to believe that Elliot would have saved her. It wouldn't have taken 4 days. She wanted to believe that Elliot would have found her sooner. He wouldn't have let Lewis move her further from their apartment. She knew he thought he could have made a difference as well. But in the end, they couldn't change the past.
"Dinner!"
Elliot's voice ringing through the apartment brought her back to the present. She was still sitting on the edge of the bed. She knew that she wasn't in a mental state to sit down by the dinner table and eat with her family like she wasn't falling into pieces inside. She couldn't.
So, she made a quick decision to lie down on the bed, she rolled to the other side – his side – with her back towards the door and buried her face into his pillow, she could pretend to be asleep, Elliot could just tell the boys how mom was tired, and she could have an hour or two for herself to process what happened 10 years earlier and how to deal with it again.
Soon enough there was a quiet knock on the door before he entered.
"Liv?" he asked quietly.
Olivia kept her eyes closed and controlled her breathing to keep it steady and relaxed. In and out. In and out. Slow and steady.
She heard him walk in the room, then around the bed to the side she was occupying, and for a moment she thought that he'd see through her or that he would try to wake her up. She was preparing for it, already thinking of what she could say – she could say that she needed to close her eyes for a minute or that she didn't hear him. He should believe her or at least allow her to get away with that small white lie, like sometimes she lets him get away with his.
He didn't do that. Elliot gently lifted her feet and a moment later covered her legs with the spare throw blanket they kept for especially cold nights at the foot of the bed. She felt him reach down to her belt and for a second she nearly panicked, but all he did was remove her badge. Her breath hitched when he reached for her belt again and undid the buckle, yet he didn't make any additional moves to undo the button and zipper on her pants. Next, she felt his hands on her back and with one swift move, he showcased his talents of undoing her bra through her shirt, then he pulled the throw blanket all the way over her shoulders.
"Sweet dreams, babe," he whispered after kissing the side of her head and caressing her shoulder.
She heard him leave the bedroom and let out a breath of relief. She was fully aware that this wasn't how she ever imagined her marriage to be, and it wasn't gonna be like this forever. She heard Elliot's voice from the next room, explaining to the boys how mom was tired and already asleep. There was some concern from Noah, but Elliot calmed him just like she knew he would. Elliot was a great father to all of his kids.
She wanted to go out there and explain to her sweet boy how she was alright, but she couldn't bear the thought of exposing her boys to the terrors she had witnessed, the terrors she had experienced. She'd always intended her home and work to be separated like state and church. For the most part that had worked. It was only the worse ones that slipped inside the four walls of their home – Johnny D, Oscar Papa, Jon Kosta, Flutura Briscu, Lowell Harris, Sheila Porter – though she was more misguided and in grieving than pure evil – and the worse of them all – William Lewis.
She didn't mean to, but she fell asleep for real sometime during dinner, because she woke up when she felt a pair of muscular arms slid around her and her man wrap her into his embrace with her back tight against his solid chest, protected in the sanctuary inside his arms. His breath was hot against her neck.
"I'm so sorry babe, I forgot," he whispered into her ear and kissed her cheek. "I've got you now."
He threw one of his legs over hers and held her close to his chest just like he did every night for months after Lewis when she could handle being touched again. It had taken days before she felt comfortable with anyone touching her and even then, there were moments when she had to make her escape from Elliot's embrace or ask him to stop and give her space.
"I forgot as well," she admitted. She might've not remembered the anniversary of her ordeal, but her subconscious definitely did. She reached for his right arm, which he had slipped underneath her neck and his fingers had curled around her opposite shoulder. She lifted it just a little, he reluctantly let go of her, while she looked for the same tattoo which had brought her peace for over a decade. She brough it to her lips and kissed the USMC logo on his right forearm.
"I'm okay," she assured him.
"Uh-uh."
"No really, I am. It's been 10 years. I didn't realize how time has flown. He's long gone, and I am still here. You are still here. It's okay. We're okay."
He pressed another kiss to her cheek.
"I've been thinking if you want, I could get another tattoo on my left forearm or next to the marine one, so you can have something to look at. You know, if you feel unsure or need some comfort then you'd have something there to remind you how I'm here. I mean, it would be something for you, not just a stupid USMC tattoo I got when I was 18. It would be just for you, perhaps something to make you feel safe," he suggested, rambling just a little. There had been instances in the past when the nightmares would claim her and after she'd do anything to get his arms away from her until she realized that Elliot wasn't her demon.
"You mean something like – Property of Olivia Benson?" she asked, her tone was challenging.
Olivia moved herself inside his arms to the best of her abilities within the physical boundaries he had set for her. She managed to roll herself to her back, and he remained partially on top of her, his arms were resting on either side of her shoulders.
He chuckled. "Sure, if that's what you want. I wouldn't object as long as it will say Property of Olivia Benson-Stabler," he joked.
Olivia smiled. She moved her hand to the back of his head and guided it lower so she could capture his lips.
"Thank you, but I don't need another tattoo to identify you. El, I always know when it's you; even when I can't see you," she assured him with a soft voice.
"Just an option, babe. I wouldn't mind having a tattoo somewhere just for you."
She reached for his upper back, just between his shoulder blades, where he had her old detective badge engraved onto his skin, the latest of his tattoos. "Then what is this for?" she asked.
"You know I had to cover up the stupid brotherhood tattoo. If I recall correctly, then I asked for your input and you were completely unhelpful with that," he teased her just a little bit.
She smiled.
"Looks like you didn't need my help at all,"
"It made sense to have you watch my back. Noone else has it the way you do."
He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek and then to the side of her neck. His lips danced across her skin, trailing the muscles on her neck and sucked on her pulse. He stopped himself from moving any lower, not yet anyway. "Have a think if there's anything you'd like to see on my body, and I can get it."
"Thank you."
He lifted his head and tilted it to the side slightly. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked, he moved his left hand up to run his fingers through her long hair.
"I just need you to be here, to be you. And take care of the boys for the next few days, because I'm not sure if I can," she admitted. She swallowed hard and avoided his eyes, like she herself was ashamed of not being able to be the parent her sons needed. Like there was weakness in asking for help.
"Done."
She found his eyes, there was no accusation in them, he wasn't looking at her like she had suddenly become an unfit mother. He was looking at her with a small smile on his face, his eyes full of the same love she's seen there for almost two decades, and glimpses of which she saw in the first 6 years they worked together, before they had even touched each other, way before their lips met for the first time and eons from the time, when their love made her belly grow swollen with the most precious gift they made together.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he prompted carefully.
Olivia didn't know. She didn't really want to discuss Lewis years ago, she didn't want to open those wounds again. But it didn't do either of them any good to avoid the subject all together and hope it wouldn't destroy their relationship – it nearly did the first time.
"Anything else I can do?" he prompted.
Elliot moved himself more to her side than resting on top of her, in his own way giving her a bit more space so she wouldn't feel like he was smothering her. He remained on his side next to her, he rested his head on his elbow and draped one arm around her midsection, his large palm resting on the edge of her belly.
She missed his familiar weight on top of her, there was some unexplainable feeling safety in having his weight on top of her, she cherished the moments they were like that. She debated in her head if she should ask him to come back and lie on top of her, she ended up deciding against in the end.
"You read your emails?" she changed the topic.
He smiled and nodded.
"Luckily I decided to start with the ones from today first and I found what I was looking for," he confirmed. "Look, I don't know if it's good or bad, but nobody from my team mentioned anything about it. For all we know, nobody really reads those things."
He was right. Or maybe his team didn't know how to bring it up? Or they expected Elliot to know about the 10 year anniversary of the worst thing to ever happen to his wife.
"How does that make you feel?" he asked carefully.
She moved her own hand lower to her abdomen, subconsciously seeking his hand for comfort. She didn't need to look for long because he knew her and knew to take her hand in his and give her the support she needed.
"I don't know." She exhaled and took a deep breath. Her free hand pushed hair off from her forehead and she closed her eyes. "I've realized that there are potentially things I don't know about. He kept me drugged and drunk, sometimes he'd knock me out and other times he'd feed me sleeping pills. I wish I knew all that happened, so I wouldn't have to wonder."
And Lewis probably knew that too.
"I don't remember everything," she admitted.
He tightened his fingers around hers.
"Do you think he raped you? Maybe when you were unconscious?" he prompted softly. He moved his leg to rest in between hers, their toes touching.
"I don't know. I didn't think so… I thought if he had I'd feel sore, I thought I'd feel it if he had. I wanted to believe that I'd knew, but… " – she closed her eyes and swallowed while looking for words. She reached for him with her free hand, her palm found his shoulder, he leaned down just to kiss her forehead. – "But I don't know."
Elliot let go of her hand to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her against his chest. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. He rolled down on his back with Olivia secured partially draped on top of him.
"I did the rape kit. It was negative for semen and for his DNA… I didn't think he did it. He said so much during the trial. But then last night – it felt so real. I felt him raping me," she spoke. Her voice was on the verge of breaking. There were tears on the corner of her eyes.
"It was just a bad dream, honey."
"What if it wasn't? What if it really happened? How would my brain come up with a dream so real? All I've known for so long is you. And last night I knew it wasn't you. Do you think my subconscious just created a terrible nightmare like that or did it remind me of what I had forgotten?"
Elliot remained quiet.
"What if he raped me, El?"
There was an uneasy silence in the room. He moved his palm up and down over her back and pressed his lips to the crown of her head.
"You're still a survivor. It doesn't change who you are, it doesn't change what we have built together. I still love you, you still love me. You are still the love of my life. And there are still two amazing boys who call you mom. You made it through the four days he had you, you can make it through the recovery."
She clutched his shirt at his shoulder. Her breathing sped up and she pressed her face further into his chest.
"Will I ever be free of him?"
"I don't know."
"Will we ever have a normal life again?"
"This is our normal, honey."
He kissed the top of her head again and held her against him just a little bit more. She clutched his shoulder, her nails dug though his shirt into his skin.
"El, I don't want this to be our normal. I don't want this to be your life. I don't want my husband to wake up in the middle of the night because I have a bad dream or deal with me being unable to get out of bed in the morning or be left alone to parent our kids just because I need to sort out my head. It's not fair to you."
Elliot kissed her temple and tilted his head just enough to reach her cheek, he was still far from his intended destination of her lips, but that would have to wait.
"Your husband doesn't mind as long as you come home. It's give and take, babe. Sometimes I need you to put more effort into taking care of things at home and other times I do that. That's what relationships are about. I'll be strong for now like you've been strong for me before. And I need you to come home to me, because you make me a better man. I'll always need you, even when you think I don't."
She lifted her head from his shoulder and surged forward to capture his lips.
"I'll call Fin tomorrow, say that you feel sick and then I'll call Ayanna saying that I feel sick, and then I can drop the boys in school and if needed ask Amanda or Kathleen to pick them up and we have a day to ourselves and we can do whatever you want."
She must've done something right to deserve a man like that. Any weaker man might've stepped aside or ignored everything all together, Elliot didn't. He didn't always get everything right, and he wasn't perfect, but he was enough for her. He was everything she needed.
"I love you," she whispered.
"Mmmm… You too, so much."
He pulled her properly on top of him and wrapped his arms tight around her, the ghost of William Lewis still lingering in their lives, the curse of not knowing everything that happened still present between them even 10 years after. Yet, William Lewis didn't have a space in their everyday lives anymore. He had become more like an uninvited distant relative who showed up every once in awhile, but when he did, he created havoc along the way.
They would make it through it, like they always did.