Who Wants to Wait Forever
by Joan Powers
Summary: After many years, Janeway finally decides to follow her heart and pursue a romantic relationship with the man that she loves. But is he still waiting for her? J/C angst
A/N: I told myself that I was never going to write J/C angst, but I get annoyed with Trek writers that have people in love unrealistically putting off starting relationships for years on end. Thanks to Bizarra for the beta and insightful comments.
Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." – Horace
"Kathryn, please." Chakotay pleaded.
It had been a mistake, admitting him into her office. She thought she was ready to face him, that her heart had scabbed over, and she'd grown to accept that he was with Seven.
She wasn't prepared for this.
"You heard me. Seven and I broke up days after we returned to Earth." He reminded her.
His opening line had caught her off guard. Attempting to save face and regain her composure, she'd turned away, walking towards the office windows, pretending to be engrossed in the view of the Golden Gate Bridge.
"I tried to contact you, but you blocked every attempt. You refused my letters."
He was right. A year ago, she couldn't bear to look at him. She felt betrayed by his actions. She had no desire to see him. He'd been persistent, yet after a while, he'd wisely given her space.
"You've always been important to me." He took a breath then said, "You know that I love you."
How foolish that her breath caught in her throat and her heart skipped a beat when he said those forbidden words. While she'd always suspected his feelings, she assumed, due to neglect, that even their friendship had deteriorated.
"I understand why we had to remain apart on Voyager. You didn't want to be distracted from your duties. Or give the appearance of impropriety. That's not the case anymore."
To emphasize the point, he strode towards her, closing the distance between them, clasping her hands in his, forcing her to look at him.
"I miss you. I want to be part of your life. I'd be happy to support your career however I can, arranging mine around yours."
She understood that he meant that.
"Before I met you, I never considered marriage or children. I was too angry, rebelling against authority and then fighting lost causes. I assumed that I'd die young and alone. I accepted that. Now my life feels incomplete without you.
"Don't you see, instead of being stranded in the Delta Quadrant for most of our lives, we've been given a gift – a second chance. There's still time. We're not getting any younger. Don't you want to seize the day? To start a life together? To have a child? It's not too late. Please, Kathryn."
Looking into those warm brown eyes, she had no doubts about his sincerity. Even though marriage and family had always been important to her, she hadn't allowed herself to consider them for a long time.
Funny how returning to Earth hadn't brought about a magical reset, making her life less stressful. Restoring the once idealistic woman who had stepped behind the helm of Voyager. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant without backup, without emotional support, had produced a hardness in her, a protective shell, that wasn't fading.
Was it still possible? To have a meaningful relationship with a partner? To allow herself to become emotionally vulnerable? To have a baby?
Was that what she wanted?
"Kathryn, you accomplished your mission. You got your crew home. Give yourself permission to live. Stop thinking about everyone else. Your happiness is important too. Don't you need more?"
He always had been her advocate. She'd missed him. Hints of longing stirred within her. Yet she was accustomed to ruthlessly shoving them aside.
"Aren't you tired of putting your life on hold?" He asked. "You don't know what tomorrow will bring. There are no guarantees. Aren't you sick of waiting? Don't you want to start living our lives together? I do."
Listening to his impassioned plea, she was sorely tempted. Even though hints of gray ghosted his temples, he was still a highly attractive man whom she felt drawn to. She never would've survived their seven-year mission without him backing her up. There was a special connection between them.
It might be nice to have someone to confide in. Who was always in her corner. Someone to come home to. To hold her.
What would a relationship with him look like?
When she started imagining such a future, she realized, as appealing as it was, it was too soon.
She was exhausted, catching up with updated Starfleet protocols and establishing herself with the old boys' club. They hadn't been pleased with some of her command decisions. She had to prove herself. She didn't want to lose all that she'd worked so hard to accomplish.
As tempted as she was to finally build a life with Chakotay, this wasn't the right time to divert her energy into a relationship or having a child.
And, as much as she hated to admit it, regardless of his earnest apologies or the brevity of their affair, it still stung that Chakotay had taken up with Seven.
Her pride wouldn't allow her to seriously consider his proposal.
His downcast eyes signified that he understood she was rejecting him.
Sighing, Chakotay replied, "Kathryn, as much as I want to be with you, I won't wait forever. Let me know when you're ready."
XXXXX
(Six years later)
Kathryn watched the entrance of the bar, nervously scanning for Chakotay's broad shoulders. She checked the time as she took a sip of her drink. It wasn't like him to be late. She smoothed her blouse. For a change, she'd worn civilian clothing, taking special care with her appearance.
She hoped tonight would be memorable.
Until recently, she and Chakotay hadn't been in touch on a regular basis. She hadn't been purposefully avoiding him. Her duties as admiral filled her days - defusing conflicts, giving speeches, directing missions, attending conferences. She'd occasionally bump into him at Starfleet functions or during missions. If neither was attending with a date, they'd share dinner or drinks, talking late into the night. It was always so easy being with him. He was such a good listener.
The clear affection in his gaze led her to believe that his feelings for her hadn't changed. Although she cared deeply about him, she'd held back. She hadn't been ready to pursue a deeper relationship with him. Over the years she'd taken shameless advantage of his fierce loyalty, requesting special favors, and asking him to lead important missions that she wouldn't trust anyone else with.
After spending another lonely holiday season in her cabin in some distant quadrant of the universe or on the outskirts of her sister's clan, she finally acknowledged that while her professional career was thriving, her private life was hollow. It lacked personal connections that had once sustained her. Yet given her hectic schedule, it was difficult to establish new relationships or nourish existing ones. She couldn't even manage taking care of a dog.
After so many years of this routine, she was running on empty.
She'd had several pleasant romantic liaisons. But they were temporary at best, for she wouldn't consider sharing her life with any of those men, or officially designating one as her boyfriend. She'd briefly reconnected with Mark after his wife's untimely death, but they soon discovered that they had little in common. She wasn't the same person who had left on Voyager.
The ensuing emptiness of her life was starting to weigh upon her.
There was one man who could fill that void. She hadn't pressed the issue before, not feeling ready, knowing that once she committed there would be no turning back. Chakotay had recently reappeared in her life. She eagerly looked forward to their weekly Friday evening drinks where they talked for hours.
He seemed a little preoccupied, referring to upcoming life changes but never going into any detail. She wondered if he was considering accepting a long-term space assignment. They were looking for a captain for the Ganges ten-year mission. She didn't think she could bear for him to be away that long.
He had once promised her that he'd always be there for her.
She was finally ready to test that.
She smiled as Chakotay approached the table, drink in hand.
"Kathryn" He grinned as he slid into the opposite side of the booth.
She reached over to affectionately squeeze his arm. "Good to see you."
"Always good to see you too."
After some shop talk about Starfleet policy changes and the latest diplomatic debacle, Kathryn boldly reached across the table to grab his hand which was resting by his glass. His reaction confused her. Rather than intertwining his fingers with hers, he withdrew his hand, slipping it beneath the table.
"I thought…"
"That I care about you? Of course I do. You know you've used that to your advantage." He teased.
"Our timing has always been off."
She hoped he was following her. She'd never been good at expressing herself when it came to her personal life.
Growing more serious, he replied. "I'm sorry. It still is. I'll always love you, Kathryn, but we can't go there. I'm married."
Her mouth fell open. This had to be a joke. A really poor joke. His dour expression revealed that he was deadly serious.
"What are you talking about? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Have you told me about any of your boyfriends?" he asked.
She was fully aware that he'd seen her at several Starfleet galas, dressed to the nines in a formal gown and high heels with another man in tow.
Getting defensive, she said, "It's not the same. Those were just dates."
"How would I have known that? I'm not gonna lie, all I knew was how much it hurt to see you in that silver dress dancing with someone else."
He was referring to a specific incident. One that occurred only weeks after his visit to her office where he professed his love for her.
That had to have stung.
Of course she'd had her share of casual lovers. Most likely he had too. She'd seen him at some of the same events with gorgeous women on his arm. For her, these were meaningless encounters. Company for a night or a few weeks at best. Presumably it had been the same for him.
Surely Chakotay understood that things were different between the two of them. The spark had always been there. It only needed fuel.
"You'll always be important to me. I wanted to maintain our friendship, so I held back," he explained.
Or maybe he didn't mention it because he was still waiting for her?
He'd been lost in thought during their meetings. Perhaps all was not perfect in his marriage. Was he growing bored of his wife? Would he consider leaving her for his beloved Kathryn?
Unfortunately, that didn't sound like Chakotay. He was an honorable man who would never intentionally toy with a woman so cruelly.
She rubbed her temples. Why did this feel like the Seven of Nine business all over again?
Why on Earth didn't he tell her that he couldn't wait?
Then she realized that he already had.
That visit to her office several years ago, he'd clearly stated his intentions. He hadn't given her an outright ultimatum, for that wasn't his style. He'd never pressure her. Yet he'd conveyed his needs. She hadn't listened or maybe she'd only focused on the parts that she wanted to hear.
"That's one difference between us. Even after all we've been through, you keep putting off living. I couldn't do it anymore. I want to embrace life while I still can. To start a family before I'm too old to enjoy it.
"Starfleet has been a major part of my life that has opened new worlds for me. But it's not enough anymore. It still is for you.
"We've gone different directions."
Dumbfounded, she wasn't sure how to respond.
"I'm lucky to have found Indira. She's a remarkable woman. And we recently learned that she's pregnant." His face radiated joy.
Feeling like vomiting, she said, "Congratulations."
"You know, you and I could've shared that. If we'd started a family while on Voyager, by now we'd have teenagers. Or at the very least a toddler if you'd accepted my proposal in your office that day."
She didn't respond, knowing he was right. She didn't know if or how she would've changed any of those decisions along the way but at this moment, she was filled with regret.
"Indira wants to return to her home world to raise our child with her extended family. Her culture is rich with many traditions. It's also somewhat isolated. Given that, I'm concerned about her safety. And that of my son."
"What about your commission? You've worked so hard to be reinstated."
Chakotay laughed ruefully. "If Starfleet can find an assignment on or near her home world, that would be great. If not, there are plenty of jobs I can do. It's not my highest priority.
"I would've done that for you too."
Feeling a little desperate, she said, "Haven't you been sneaking behind her back, meeting me on Friday nights? Don't tell me that doesn't mean something."
"Indira knows all about this. She was the one who suggested it. Her artist group meets Friday nights at a studio a few blocks away. We walk home together."
How could she have been such a fool? Had she been reading too much into his actions? His eyes holding hers, sparkling with affection, his lingering touches. Seeing only what she was desperate to see?
Did she honestly think he would wait for her indefinitely? That their separate life experiences wouldn't change them?
"Part of me will always love you, Kathryn, but I'm disappointed if you think I'm the kind of man that would leave his wife for another woman."
"That's not who you are." Sadly, she said, "We could've been good together. Really good."
Their eyes met.
"I agree. But it's not meant to be," was his wistful response.
Brightening, he added. "I'd love for you to meet Indira. She's an artist who works in unconventional materials. Her work is stunning. You're both such strong, independent women. I think you'd like her."
She swallowed hard. "I'd like that."
He reached across the table to grasp her hand. "Please, let's keep in touch. I don't want to lose you again."
She nodded, though she wasn't sure if she could deliver on such a promise.
Her stubbornness and fears had cost her dearly.
THE END