Part 1: Realization
Pairing: J/C, P/T Rated T Summary: Will they do the god's bidding?
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 1858 words Date: September 1998
B'Elanna couldn't stand it any longer. It was all too much. Her relationship with Thomas Eugene Paris was everything she had always wanted, everything she could never have had all that she feared. She feared intimacy, she always had. This was probably due to the poor relationships she had had with her parents. Her father had left her mother when she had only been a little girl, and her mother...well her mother was a subject she didn't even want to broach. Her life was out of control, but here, on this ship, there were certain things she could control and her relationship with Tom was one such thing. He was too dangerous, too impulsive and eventually she knew she was going to get hurt. This was a risk she refused to take and so the confrontation occurred and her life, as she knew it ended.
B'Elanna walked into Tom's quarters. They had long ago given up on ringing the each other's chimes to request entry. She approached Tom. *This is gonna destroy him...and me.*
"Tom, we need to talk."
"Sure B'Elanna; what about?"
*Oh god, this is gonna hurt him. He will have trouble getting over this. He's never gonna forgive me...but I have to do it. I can't keep living with this fear; he's too close. I can't do this anymore.*
"Tom..."
"B'Elanna, what is it?"
He wasn't sure what it was; but something about this conversation was giving him bad vibes. He knew he wasn't going to like whatever it was she had to say. It was just a gut instinct, and over the years he had learned that gut instincts were usually more correct than anyone cared to admit.
"Tom...it's over."
For the first time in his life, Tom Paris was speechless. He could not think of a snappy comeback, he had nothing clever to say. He just stared.
"Tom, say something."
"I can't B'Elanna. If I do, I might say something that I would regret later on, and I would still like to try and be your friend."
Tom turned and headed for the other room, as he was leaving he heard B'Elanna's voice calling to him, for the last time in a very long while. "Tom...I'm sorry."
With that she left. He cried for the first time in a long time. It wasn't the manly thing to do, it wasn't what was expected of him, it was just what felt right, and at the moment, it seemed as if it was the only thing that felt right. He would go on as he always did, but he would never be the same again.
*Well Tom, better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.*
Over the years, ideas had been formulated and everyone had thought, been absolutely sure the pairing would happen. Her position, his bond, their fate, but a chance, a reckoning, and a weakness had intervened and life had forever changed. Certain pairings among the crew had always been a given. Since the pon farr incident, Tom and B'Elanna had been an item, a constant in the equation of life. The other constant had always been Janeway and Chakotay; the crew looked upon this pairing as inevitable. Then one day it all changed.
The gods looked on from above, observing, watching, feeling their pain; the pain and loneliness which were part of the command structure. It would happen someday, their clocks were ticking and the countdown had begun. The Captain and Commander did get closer, their friendship deepened, but not quite deep enough.
One of the constants in the crew's life disappeared, the variables changed and the equation was forever altered. Tom pulled one too many stunts, B'Elanna gotten angry one too many times, and it was all over.
Janeway was in her ready room thinking, they would have to stop for supplies soon. Ah yes, the never-ending quest for supplies. Sometimes she wondered why they continued, but then she always remembered her vows, her goals, her truths and knew she had to, to fulfill her mission; she had to get her crew home. She was roused from her thoughts by a chime, which she recognized as the door. *Now who could that be?*
She knew it wasn't Chakotay. She could always sense him. They had grown quite close, the best of friends. They had a bond unlike any she had ever experienced, although she knew it wasn't enough. She was well aware of Tom's betting pool, the rumors and the crew's expectations, for their two most senior officers. But her hesitation, her protocols, and in the end her fear prevented these prophesies from becoming realities.
"Come" *Well speak of the devil*
Tom walked in looking like death; he actually looked as if he had been crying. *Now what the hell happened to him?* she wondered. She was still wary of Tom - The irrational fear after the incident with Steth the shape-shifting alien. She knew the bodies had been switched back, that all was as it should be. Realistically, she knew this was Tom Paris. Irrationally, her instincts kicked in, and she was on edge, her senses had been alerted.
"Lieutenant?!"
"Captain, I was wondering if maybe I could take tomorrow off... I mean if it's alright. Just tomorrow, I just need a break that's all."
*Gods this must be serious* The hesitation in his voice threw her off. Tom was never this hesitant, never this unsure; but this was Tom Paris. *Tom what happened to you?* All of a sudden she realized she was seeing the inside not the outside, Tom Paris, not Lieutenant Paris, she wasn't the only one who covered up to protect themselves. Kathryn instinctively changed modes. For the moment the Captain disappeared. Over the years she had gotten quite good at shifting gears, passing up one persona for another, as circumstances demanded it of her.
"Tom, what happened?"
"Nothing Captain, it's alright really. I'll be okay...I just need a day or two..."
So many things went through Janeway's mind. The wheels were turning, but it was really none of her business. The scientist in her was curious, the Captain needed the pilot, and Kathryn was concerned for her friend, but realized the need for caution. He needed some down time, some privacy. When he needed someone to talk to she was there, but until that time, there wasn't really anything she could do except grant him the time off he needed.
"Alright Tom, take the rest of the week off. We're in a quiet area of space, if we run into any problems, if we need you for anything I promise I'll let you know."
"Yes ma'am."
*It's not crunch time yet Tom* she thought slightly amused by his choice of words, *Well I hope not anyway. *
The gods watched and learned. *It may be closer than you think Kathryn.*
"And Tom... take care of yourself. That's an order."
Tom left the ready room without a second glance or a word said. He'd be okay, he just needed some time. Problem was, on a ship this small word traveled fast and she was sure whatever it was would go around the ship quickly. She hoped crew morale wasn't affected too much. They were finally beginning to think of Voyager as home. All the functions of a normal community occurred. Weddings were beginning to become a regular occurrence, and she had no doubts that children would be the next logical step for this community. The drains on ships systems would be a difficulty, but in the end necessary for the emotional wellbeing of the crew. More and more often Kathryn felt like a community leader rather than a Starship Captain. The part of all this that frightened her most was that she was enjoying it, and in many ways did not want it to end. If they did return to the Alpha Quadrant, what was left? The people who they had all loved had moved on, but here on this ship, contained within this community, her community she had so much more. She had so much to live for, so many, who looked up to her, depended on her. Could she give up her Starfleet ideals though? Could she give up the learned routines that had been so much a part of her life growing up, and even during her command of Voyager? At the same time her Starfleet ideals told her she had a duty, a mission, a purpose, to get her crew home, back to Earth. She often times wondered though, if Earth was home anymore.
The door chimed and she was once again awakened from her reverie. *This was Chakotay. She could sense him, feel him.* this too scared her. She had always been a woman of science, a woman who cherished her facts and her technology, but lately she wasn't so sure. The day Kes had almost died in sickbay, by all rights, with the medical technology and knowledge they possessed they should have been able to save her. The Doctor's methods were sound, his reasoning sure, but Kes did not get better, she had lain there dying anyway; nothing she or anyone else could do. They had told her, her guide and the others that she had to believe in the ancestral spirits, believe they could save Kes. Kathryn Janeway did not enjoy being ordered around, but for the sake of a member of her crew had made a leap of faith. That leap had saved Kes, and in many ways it had saved Kathryn too. It had opened her eyes to something besides her rigid scientific view of the world. Although she still did not believe whole-heartedly in the spiritual realm, it had made her more sensitive to the views of others, to others' beliefs and in many ways to others' needs. She was also finally beginning to understand Chakotay, her mysterious first officer.
Kathryn believed in science and believed everything happened for a reason, in her line of work she had to. Sometimes she just wished she could go about her business without the need for an explanation. There were times when all she wanted to be was Kathryn, the Kathryn who had bonded with Chakotay on New Earth. Yet those times were few and far between, scarce was the time she could just completely let go of the Captain, as she had on that planet, stranded because of the bite of a bug. If everything happened for a reason, what was the reason behind that event in her life? She had been ready to be just Kathryn and it had been taken from her. Although she missed her time on New Earth she could never go back. It was impossible to revert, but maybe she could go forward, and in going forward could go back.
END PART 1
TBC IN PART 2