CHAPTER 31 - REMEMBER

A ball kicked in a backyard, eggs frying in a skillet while music played in the kitchen, sandcastles by the lake. These were the memories Bliss had of her father before year 33, some of her first. After he'd returned from his "business trip," which Bliss now understood was an interrogation by the Capitol, he'd lost something. She'd been too young to understand, barely able to focus on more than which toy to play with next. Their apartment had felt like a home, back them. Instead of suffocating, it felt cozy. Instead of fear accompanying her movements, joy had.

The first time her father hit her ruined that. She didn't think talking back would have such consequences, because they never had before. Instead, he stared into her small, defiant eyes, unwilling to apologize for a disrespect she'd committed, because she didn't understand what she did wrong. She was angry because she didn't understand, not because she hated him or thought she was better.

His hand closed around her wrist, wrenching her off balance. Fear knotted in her stomach, the first time she'd been truly afraid of her father, even though he'd taken to bouts of screaming since returning from the Capitol. He half-dragged her to her bedroom as she stumbled behind him, failing to keep her feet under her. It was embarrassing to be dragged like a baby, she was eight years old, and could walk, herself.

The embarrassment flowered into humiliation when he sat down on her bed, bent her over his lap, pulled down her pants and underwear, and beat her bare bottom. The tears streaming from her eyes weren't so much from her pain, but the emotional fallout from the profound breach of trust. She never thought he'd do something like that to her, feeling unparalleled shame as she pulled up her pants afterwards.

Things got worse over that, as far as their family dynamic went. She had to fend of Bryce, her brother, a blossomed sadist, while navigating her parent's moods. She was the outlet for their rage, for their pain. If she stepped out of line, there was hell to pay.

But she couldn't stop thinking of the smile on her father's face as he cooked eggs with her on her fifth birthday, or how he laughed in exhilaration when she'd scored her first goal.

At times, his behaviour was hurtful and wrong, but the cycles of violence didn't start with him.

The Capitol stole something from him, and Bliss now understood what it was. It was the ability to open his eyes without viewing the world through a lens of anger or catatonic fear, making him unpredictable and cold. It was the ability to express his emotion. He became stuck, and explosive, as people do.

No, she couldn't understand that as an eight-year old. He'd been her whole world, the smartest and best man she knew. It was hard not to hate him when that all came crashing down, and hold onto the resentment for years after as he continued to treat her badly.

It was strange experience, the times she'd tried to reconcile. She told him he'd hurt her, and asked him not to do it again. Instead of apologizing, he justified his actions, explaining why he needed to do what he did, and eventually, flat out denying anything happened when she wouldn't back down. He didn't strike her, no, he stopped doing that after her childhood. The denial of her experience hurt just as much, somehow.

It was a mindfuck, to look someone in the eye, and have them tell you something you experienced together never happened. At first, it made her brain feels like it was made of holes, porous and unreliable. It made her sick, unable to trust her own perception or memory. After Ambrosia came into her life, though, she began viewing the idea of family differently. She chose to create her family with the person who saw her humanity, not selfishly ignored it.

The treatment her father faced destroyed him, splitting him open and offering painter's tape to close gaping wounds. The Capitol kept him on as liaison to D8 after everything was said and done. He was forced to work an even fifty hours a week from sunup to sundown, paid almost nothing, nerves frayed, forever under surveillance, for years and years, until the destruction he felt inside began spilling over onto others.

The Capitol paid the rent on the apartment she grew up in, but it had always been too small for four people, even when Bliss and Bryce were small, and they were forbidden to move. The space accommodates three people better, now that Bliss lived in victor's village.

It wasn't fair how he treated her, but it wasn't fair how they treated him. Now, he was sorry. He wanted to do better for her. He was vulnerable, and honest. There were no denials, no justifications. He seemed genuine, but the idea of trusting him again singed her throat.

Where did that leave them?

A chain of events unfurled itself in the eye of Bliss' mind. If she'd never been Reaped, she would have died in that apartment, suffocated to death under the weight of her father's pain and expectations. She wouldn't have chosen this fate, but wouldn't give up her new family for the world.

The question still was, where did that leave Bliss and her father?

She found him in a guest room, sheets sparse in the late summer heat. He was asleep, but one of his blackened eyes popped open as she unlatched the door.

"Come to finish the job?" He asked.

"You've always had a way with words." Bliss replied, unable to conjure humour, although she'd intended to deliver the statement with such intonation.

The Councilman shrugged, taking his eyes off Bliss and focusing on the ceiling.

She forced the words out before she could chicken out. "Dad, I…" His eyes snapped back to her face, intently focused at the sound of the emotion in her tone. "All lot of bad stuff has happened. You've hurt me, and I haven't forgiven you…" Tears welled in his eyes, but they didn't fall. She thought based on his reaction, he'd expected her to say as much.

"But…" Bliss cleared her throat, fighting to say the next part. "I won't blame you for the Capitol's violence, or what it did to you." A sigh as deep as the Mariana Trench left her lungs, exhaling decades worth of resentment. If nothing else, she was saying the words so she could move on.

The Councilman's lips twitched as he nodded his head in acknowledgement, holding back emotion, chest fluttering as he fought to breath steadily. He lost the fight when a sob escaped his lips. The dam broke, and sobs erupted from his chest. Bliss didn't move to comfort him, but she didn't leave, either.

After he stopped crying, Bliss said goodbye, and left.

…

Bliss, Afflatus, Harlem, Violet, and Ambrosia gathered in a meadow behind Bliss' property. Heavy rains made the foliage come alive, green and thriving. The bed of grass underneath them was soft, cushioning their weight. Yellow and blue flowers bloomed all around. The group passed around a canteen containing a warm drink of spiced liquor, lemon juice, and honey. The smooth liquid burned as it went down, leaving a spiced sweetness on their tongues. They sat in silence, admiring the sunlight filtering through the canopy.

Bliss cleared her throat. Ambrosia raised her head, from where it was tucked into Bliss' chest. "I've been thinking…" She began. All eyes were on her. "If Opal hadn't done what he'd done…" She felt Afflatus tense. "We'd never have found each other."

A sharp breath of surprise escaped Afflatus' lips. "That's not what I was expecting you to say."

"The punishments from Opal's treason brought us together. D1 was commanded to leave Afflatus alone, so Harlem helped her recover from her Games. My acquaintance with Afflatus was a result of Harlem's loyalty, after I was Reaped as a consequence of my father's actions… We've been punished since, they've tried to break us… We're united as victors and unwilling participants, though. We're woven together through the fallout of the conspiracy. Instead of their pressure crushing us to dust, I believe it forged unbreakable bonds…

"I've had a lot off time to think about what family means to me. Over the years, I've come up empty, because it's confusing. Where does love end and control start? I've never been able to answer… I feel like I understand it differently, now, though. Love is the people who stick by you, who won't abandon you, who will weather punishments to remain strong for themselves and those they care about. Family means you won't ever be truly alone…

"We are strong individually, but moreso together. We've survived everything they've thrown at us, and I believe that we'll keep surviving. I love you all, and even if it looks like I'm losing it sometimes, I will fight to the death for you." Bliss wasn't able to look at her companions while she delivered the speech, emotion threatening to derail her train of thought. As she finishes speaking, though, she lifted her eyes off the grass to appraise the group. Ambrosia hugged her tight, and held Afflatus' hand. Violet slung his arm around Harlem's shoulders.

Harlem wiped his face. "Thought you were going to make a joke." He said through his tears.

Bliss gave him a sad smile, then crossed the space between them. She pulled Harlem into a hug. "I love you, fool."

"I love you too." Harlem stroked Bliss' hair, then released her.

"Bunch of sad sacks." Afflatus said, wiping tears from her own face. Ambrosia still held her hand.

Bliss gestured for everyone to pile in. Everyone's arms wrapped around one another, a tangle of limbs and tears. The group breathed comfort into each other.

"I have a surprise." Bliss announced, once the group pulled away. Confused and wary glances met her statement. She rolled her eyes and said, "It'll be fun, I promise."

Bliss got up and retrieved a pillow case stuffed with dishes, a wooden stump, and a baseball bat from behind a tree. "Y'all every played T ball?"

Grins broke out over the group as they jumped to their feet. Bliss balanced a teacup on the wooden stump, and said, "Who's first?"

Ambrosia stepped forward, smiling from ear to ear. She took the bat from Bliss and swung it in circles, testing its weight. After making everyone step back, Ambrosia lined up the cup, and swung with enough force to make the ceramic shatter. Pieces of teacup exploded through the air. A laugh erupted from Ambrosia's chest, a glorious sound filled with glee.

Joy broke out over Harlem's face, then spread to Violet and Afflatus. Affy lined up next, her victim a teapot. With perfect career form, Afflatus swung the bat. Ceramic sailed so far Bliss thought it might reach the next property. The perfect victor started giggling, then the sound turned into hearty laughter. Bliss had never heard Afflatus laugh, and by the looks of the group, nobody else had, either. The beautiful sound was contagious, and soon they were clenching their stomachs, taking turns guffawing over the safe destruction. The sound breathed life into the group, reviving them after weeks of torment.

When Bliss lined up to break a vase, she gripped the bat, channeling her pain and sorrow into the swing. She yelled as she swung, shattering the glass into oblivion. She leapt forward, charging the base, which somehow had remained intact. Over and over, she swung, pummelling the base into smaller and smaller pieces until nothing remained but glass sand. She went from shouting, to crying, to laughing all in the space of a minute, catharsis unmatched by anything other experience. When she was finished, she stumbled back over to the curious group, and flopped down on the grass.

"You good?" Violet teased.

Bliss smiled and nodded, enjoying the way the sun felt on her face. The others cycled through the rest of the ceramic and glass dish ware, until there was nothing left. One by one, they laid down beside Bliss, exhausted and satisfied.