TW: Suicide

This one is told from Cam's POV.

For those past few days. While I was in New York it was like my brain and body knew there was something wrong at home. I kept checking my phone all the time and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had my bags all packed, I could pack everything together and book a ticket tonight but I knew very well I shouldn't have to.

If only it had been so well…

Then there was a text message from Mike. And just as well could he have turned my whole life around.

Tracy's not well, she's in hospital. I thought you should know, she needs you.

Something twisted in my stomach. In hospital could be something as simple as a stubbed toe. But had it been that Mike obviously wouldn't have sent me a message. I was coming home in a matter of days and Tracy could for certain take a few days without me.

But this was something else, something worse. Maybe it was what people called a mother's intuition…

What happened? I got my bags that I had packed for some reason I just didn't know and ran outside for a taxi. Luckily the airport wasn't far away. I'm on my way to the airport now.

Why didn't he already understand that he needed to tell me what had happened? He should have told me like yesterday!

I was broken by the thought of that I would have to turn my phone on airplane mode and leave that on for hours. But maybe, just maybe Mike could at least give me an answer.

I'm here with her. I'll explain more when you get here.

I, in the taxi was nearing the airport now. So I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to send an answer. But, just as I did pull up my phone and went up to the desk at the airport I couldn't stand still and only wait. So instead I got my phone up again and pressed up the texts in between myself and Mike.

I could just as well tell him if he didn't understand!

Mike you're scaring me. Just tell me why she's in hospital

I wasn't so sure I wanted to know though. If it was something so bad it had caused this weird feeling all day.

But I stared down on the phone screen…

She took some pills. Seemingly a lot of pills. She's ok, they're treating her. But I think she needs you.

For a while I couldn't breathe- pills? My Tracy?

Wasn't this for someone else?

"Ma'am?" Someone calling for me reached through my thinking. "It's your turn in line."

And the only thing I could still see in front of me was how Tracy died on the other side of the world while I had to turn my phone off and took too long- way too long.

"I need a plane ticket to London." I could hear myself say to a receptionist that pressed some buttons in front of him. "Any. I need to get to London- now.,"

Why was everything in the world going so slowly?

I just wished the man in front of me could know about the roaring thoughts inside. How my daughter had tried to commit suicide and I was about to crack with the thought that she might be dying on the other side of the world from me.

For a moment I wanted to yell about it, but it still seemed like a manipulative to do still. So I had to only bounce up and down.

"There's still a ticket left on this next flight. If you don't mind an aisle seat in the back of the plane…"

I don't care if I have to fly in the baggage…

The man in front of me printed the ticket, told me something about that I needed to run if I was going to make it through the whole airport. I paid and heard something about my flight being called and then ran I did!

Somehow I had always known to always keep a small backpack with me on the flight, and while it was not small enough to keep on my lap. It wasn't so heavy I'd be sighing and push with me a trolley before I made it to a taxi and closer to home.

As if I could make it go faster I threw my phone and backpack into the basket to go through security. And then, for some reason had to concentrate on walk steadily and not stumble through the machine so I had to do it again.

I took my phone on the other side. And then just as I was just about to turn my phone on airplane mode I realized there was still one thing I had to say. If Tracy was ever going to be the slightest bit okay before I got to her.

I'm on my way. Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can, and that I love her with all my heart xxxx

That really did seem like my most important thing to let Mike know before I'd be on the other side. So I pressed send, to make sure Mike could concentrate on Tracy and then put the airplane mode on before I could forget about that.

Just as I stood and fixed with my phone a dog ran up, a black labrador with a vest with "Ida security dog." On it. She went around the whole place, sniffed one bag here and one bag there before she came to mine.

Something new clenched in my stomach. There wasn't anything new in my bag? I hadn't put anything there? Or had anyone else put something there when I turned my back?

Ida couldn't have been sniffing on my bag for as much as two seconds even. She just kept on turning, without taking more notice of neither my bag, nor any other before she half- ran back to her owner, sat and had soon disappeared out of my sight while it was time for us to board the flight.

Even when the pilot pushed in the highest speed, this part I hated but it seemed like time was standing still. I needed to be with Tracy and that now.

But as usual, miles and miles of deep, blue water was beneath us it felt like we were almost standing still.

"Excuse me ma'am?" I flinched when the flight attendant's voice went through my thoughts. And I had to remind myself that no one around me knew about what was going on and what I was going through "Would you like something to eat? Or drink?"

But what if this would turn a whole lot worse? If doctors couldn't save her after what she'd done to herself?

"Ma'am?"

Every second felt so long…

"No thank you. But thanks for asking."

"You have that button there if you need anything."

"Of course."

The flight attendant raised again and quietly lead her trolley down the aisle. Before she at last got into her seat at the front. I closed my eyes, but knew already that I wouldn't be able to sleep. How was I supposed to- now or ever eat or drink or sleep again when I didn't know what was going on with Tracy…

The whole way across the Atlantic I was there, in an aisle seat furthest back of a jet plane. Around me people were sleeping, eating, watching movies on the back of the seat in front of them's, reading. And a flight attendant was walking back and forth.

That must have been the longest flight ever. Because as soon as I closed my eyes and tried to sleep the only thing I could see in front of me was how Tracy took those pills- one after one after one.

What if she? Many miles away from me, was without hope even for the doctors and even with treatment? What if Mike had sent me a message I couldn't see due to the airplane mode that Tracy had… had… had….

"Excuse me?" I called for the flight attendant's attention when we were nearing the landing after what felt like a million years in the air, when I remembered something. "Can I have something to eat and drink? Tea maybe?"

"Certainly." I knew maybe coffee would have been better but had never liked the bitter taste. "Here you go." She brought me a sandwich, an apple and a Styrofoam cup of tea. "So you don't starve before you… reach your destination." She frowned towards me.

I couldn't even understand how I was supposed to eat or drink, every bite grew in my mouth. But at least it was something that made time pass by and when I at last swallowed the last sip of tea the landing had finally begun.

Landed now in London. How's Tracy?

Mike hadn't sent me a new message. Maybe that was a good thing, that he was concentrated on Tracy rather than on the phone. But I barely had the time to put my phone in my pocket, and get into a taxi before he sent me an answer.

Doctors say she's going to be okay. Visiting hours start at 10.

I couldn't visit her until ten? That would be almost sixteen hours….

And those would be the longest sixteen hours of my whole life.

But if the doctors had said she was going to make it…

It just couldn't be that simple.

The taxi made its way towards my and Tracy's flat in Pottiswood's. The driver was talking non-stop in half broken English and just wouldn't stop talking. He was constantly wearing a big smile though and it did he seemed he want to cheer me up too.

If he only knew…

"Keep the change." I handed him some bills two, almost three hours after landing and finally back on my street. I hadn't even checked how much money there was. But it must have been enough because as soon as I had turned my back against the car and walked up towards the door he backed away and disappeared out of my sight.

Mike's car was standing in the driveway, but still knowing that Tracy wasn't there waiting for me…

During the whole flight, and drive here it was like my stomach, my chest was in knots. As if my whole body knew about was going on yet it wasn't like, during all of the hours that had passed. Was the right time to break down and cry. Although I barely knew about that one feeling until I went through the door and saw Mike coming up through the hallway, and spotted the tired and given up look in his eyes and on his face.

There was something in the way he looked towards me, and finally I broke down crying and more or less fell into his arms while he wrapped his arms around me.

"It's okay." He almost whispered soothingly. "She'll be okay. Just breathe Cam."

Breathe? How was I suppose to ever breathe again? How was I to ever breathe if Tracy… if Tracy…

My thoughts sent me into another wild round of sobbing and Mike didn't say anything more. He just held me, stroke my back and rocked me as if I had been a little baby.

"Mike?" I squeaked at last, as soon as I could find my own voice again and took a step back so I could look him in the eyes. "Why? Why would Tracy do something like that? Why didn't she talk to me?"

I just had a feeling I asked despite not even wanting to know. I needed to if Tracy would ever feel something like that again.

"How did Tracy actually come to the hospital? Did she…. Say anything? I don't know."

"She was taken in by ambulance. They called me because I was Tracy's emergency contact, if I hadn't picked up they'd probably have called you."

Mike made a pause, my heart was beating so hard I could feel blood streaming in my ears. Every moment felt so long.

For a little while, I saw in front of me the first time I had gone to New York. When Shelley and Duke had called me up to tell me about Tracy's appendicitis and the flight had seemed so, so long. Or the time I had been in New York- perhaps it was cursed somehow. And Tracy had stolen all of my money, if I had only known back then. If I had only known she could steal everything I owned as many times as she wanted as long as she didn't do this again.

"Have you talked to her?"

My voice was so strangely weak and shaky, and I had never heard it like this before.

"I've been with her all day." Mike told me- and it was a strange kind of relief. "But as it's more than 24 hours since… well, you know what. And visiting hours are over I can't stay with her now. Neither can you…"

What was this?

"But I'm her mum… Are they trying to make her feel as bad as possible?"

"I don't know… honestly. But the doctors are saying, now she's out of danger- she's going to make it for sure. It's probably something like… the doctor can't be sure… if we're there and they leave us alone we could say something they don't want Tracy to hear. Or bring her something she shouldn't have… I think I'll be staying here tonight. If that's okay."

"But I'm her mum," I said so shakily and weakly. "…and you're…. Mike."

"And at the hospital they have no idea about what that means. We could be strangers or someone who wants to hurt her." It was clear that despite what was going on Mike was calmer than me. "And maybe some time we'll be able to see that better than now… You should shower, get that airplane air off you. And then we'll both have to rest… We'll both only be making things worse for Tracy if we come to the hospital tired and upset.

How was I supposed to shower? How was I supposed to rest?

I made the sofa for Mike to sleep on, but none of us were going to get much

But hours later, as we were on our way towards the hospital only a few hours before we could see the hours. I couldn't even see the streets so we were lucky Mike was driving. I had barely gotten an hour or rwo of sleep and I doubted Mike had gotten anymore.

Knowing I was at least in the same building as Tracy, in the same town it felt as if she was close after all of that travelling. But she still felt so far away while I ran up to the hospital reception and let Mike lead the way towards a woman I had never met before.

"Is Tracy even alive?"

I couldn't even help to ask that one question that one and only one that meant anything. Despite knowing both I and Mike had had our phones on the loudest volumes all night to not be able to miss if they called.

"My name is Cam Lawson. I'm Tracy Beaker's mum…"

And nothing ever made me prouder.

Mike, who had obviously already met this woman. But I honestly wasn't certain I wanted her to give me an answer, I wasn't sure I wanted it when the receptionist gave us instructions about how to get to Tracy's room. How we were passed onto someone new but it seemed like we were still getting further away by the second.

"I don't care who you are." I told the woman in front of me and forever I could see in front of me how Mike raised an eyebrow. "Mike? Why don't you know where she is?"

"Tracy changed wards just before Mike went home last night. And there are a load of hallways, turns and floors here so we're not expecting you to learn the whole way after only going there one time. My name is…"

"I DON'T CARE." I yelled at last, about to crack- why couldn't anyone hear me? "Take me to my daughter now."

I barely even knew we were moving through the hallways all the time. Not like I knew Tracy was in the bottom of the hallway. It felt like a million years before I made it through the doors. Or how I knew there were people all around.

"Are you ready?" Mike asked while he stayed in the hallway- I was certain I had never been so far from ready from anything. "Or is there anything else you'd like to do first."

I sent Mike a meaning glare, only looked at him for what seemed like endless seconds. Did he really think that anything in the world could mean anything to me if I wasn't with my daughter?

The nurse led us into a room where there were several more people. But there was only one person I saw. One person- my person! And I barely even noticed it when she looked at some screens Tracy was hooked up to. Tracy now laid right in front of me now, she seemed far away and so pale she was almost transparent towards the clean, white sheets beneath her. Despite her hair as dark as ever.

"Tracy?" I went over and sat down in a chair next to the bed. "Tracy? Can you hear me?"

I waited for what felt like a thousand years for an answer while I lifted my hand and stroke away one of her dark tresses away from her face.

"Cam…"

Tracy was barely more than whispering, she hadn't opened her eyes and it seemed as if she would be glowing in the dark or transparent.

"Tracy…"

I didn't want to cry, or hurt her even more.

But as her eyes fluttered open just a little and my eyes were meeting hers. There was something I hadn't seen before.

"Cam…"

Her voice sounded so weak. As if she had gathered strength all the way from her feet to say anything at all.

I was special to her, wasn't I? I had been special since that moment she had come jumping into the living room with a red and blue sweater and terribly done makeup.

"Oh Tracy." I whispered under my breath so she couldn't hear me. "What did you do? Why couldn't you just talk to me instead?"

But then, had I been here at all during the past few months. Been here for more than unpacking my bags from New York, give her some souvenir and then packing to go again. Spending even more time away than at home.

"Cam…" Tracy almost whispered again. "You came."

"Of course…" Was the only thing I could think of saying a bit shakily. "…I'll always be here for you… Oh Tracy…" I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Whatever happens…"

She was so weak. But she was finally in front of me, I could finally touch her. But weren't there anything? Couldn't there be any words good and strong enough to make her feel good enough right now? Couldn't I just take her in my arms and take her away? Take her away from everything that hurt?

Mike was Mike and I was Cam. Shouldn't it be one of us…

Shouldn't I be the one? Shouldn't I be the mum?

Hmmm… I think I'll put an end to it there.

Random fact

Ida the dog is somewhat based on a dog that mum's colleague told me about. She and her husband were travelling and a dog ran up to their bags, and sniffed a bit. Then she just let it go and continued with another bag. But Cam's thoughts here were based on what she told me.

Ida got her name from a story lying here, right next to me about a girl named Ida.