Author's Note: Hi there! For new readers, I enjoy making parodies of shows/books/movies I love!
I tend to start NEW projects while I'm still in the middle of others LOL (I hate myself)!
To my older readers… I'm sorry I strayed from the other thing to work on this thing now.
ANYWAY – It's my general rule not to parody anything that is *already* a comedy, because if I find it THAT funny that I love it so much, there's really no point in trying to improve it. On the other hand, who cares. So this will be a fun experiment for me which I hope you all enjoy ~
Jupiter. A beautiful, giant gas planet. And one of its many moons, Europa, holds an untapped paradise. A vast ocean beneath a protective sheet of ice – my people will thrive there. I am surprised the trip was so short. I approach the surface of the pale moon right now. I will attempt to make a very gentle landing upon the ice, for I am weary from my long journey and-
SPLASH
This is not Europa.
"Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle?"
He heard the police car pull up to the driveway and their boots upon the pebbles of the lake shore, but he was hoping they would go away if he ignored them.
"Dr. Vanderspeigle!"
The imposter Harry hastily shoved the live crawdad inside his mouth before turning to face them from his primitive fishing vessel. He did not want to share it.
"Que puis-je faire pour vous?" He hoped to the Octogod that he got the pronunciations correct.
"Excuse me?"
Fuck. It never occurred to me to figure out which country I am actually in. Why did I think it was France? I have not seen a single wild croissant. It is a good thing I learned all languages just in case. I just hope they do not ask me for directions.
"I do not know where you are going," he smiled. He turned back to face the lake.
Sheriff Mike turned to Deputy Liv and gave her a What the hell is up with this guy? face.
To which she returned a I don't think he wants us on his property face.
To which Mike responded with a My balls and I do not give a flying fuck what this guy wants. Also did you remember to pick up the donuts for the office? The mayor's allergic to coconut, I hope you remembered face.
To which Liv replied with a What do your balls have to do with anything? And yes I got donuts. A dozen mixed flavors, no coconut face.
And Mike replied with a Lord help me if you didn't get me a sprinkle donut, Deputy face. Followed by his classic, raised-eyebrows And never question my balls face.
The crunching noises sent them back to reality.
"You eating some stale-ass chips there, Doctor?"
Ugh, thought Harry. These crawdads will go straight to my human thighs.
"We need your help," pushed Deputy Liv. "There was a murder in town last night. We need you to do an autopsy."
An autopsy? Harry scanned through the massive unit of memory power that was his brain.
"No thank you, I am not interested in adopting the sea."
"No, sir, an autopsy."
"Oh, right. An autopsy." It must be some kind of medical procedure which I have not read about yet. "And will his insurance cover it?"
"He's… dead."
"Oh no, I was too late."
This is my first trip into town. The car is easy to drive if I imagine it like a spaceship. I am, however, quite frustrated that I have not found the Takeoff button yet, nor the button that debones my enemies. Surely humans would not design vehicles without such a vital function?
To say my species is more advanced than humans would be a massive understatement. If there were a universal scale, humans would land right below goldfish. And the goldfish is empirically the stupidest of all Cypriniformes.
It is therefore not unreasonable for me to read through the autopsy procedure on my smart phone with one eye while my other eye is simultaneously on the road. Why don't all humans utilize their two eyes like this? More evidence of their obvious intellectual inferiority.
When Harry parked and exited his truck, the most peculiar thing happened. A boy, no older than nine, stopped in his tracks in front of Harry on the sidewalk and let out an eardrum-stabbing scream. He then proceeded to run down the street in the opposite direction, tripping over several old ladies and a man in a leg cast as he went, his mother chasing him with a chancla.
Wait… This is some cow shit! That kid is going to ruin everything!
Harry grew a scowl so cold he could flash freeze raw shrimp if there were any around.
Only one in a million humans has the genetic defect. To them I will appear as a horrifying, bloody clown. It has mystified my people's scientists for millennia. Of all the places on this planet, I just HAD to crash land in a town with a little defected shit.
This is going to be a problem.
It had taken a while for me to deduce which species is the most intelligent on this planet. I believe that I may have accidentally landed on Uranus.
All of my studies, including my Bachelor's Degree, focused purely on Europa (with a minor in pottery). I know almost nothing about the other planets in this solar system. But I can make a rather lovely vase if anyone asks. Having multiple arms and a prehensile reproductive organ helps.
The first organisms I encountered here were trees. They were everywhere, so I thought their success had to do with their intelligence. When I took a tree's DNA to become it, some jackass dog urinated on me. Also the tree did not have a brain. That really should have been my first clue.
I tried the dog this time – Surely a species that empties its waste upon another is dominant?
I urinated on a bee hive and it ended very badly for me.
You can surmise what happened next. I became a queen bee and led the entire hive head-first into traffic. I caused a fourteen-car pileup. I hope they were all insured.
The most superior species turns out to be the cats. They however immediately realized what I was doing and refused to hand over any DNA sample, in essence telling me I was not good enough to be one of them. Fine. I had to settle for human.
I do miss being a queen, though.
Harry entered the medical building.
"This is not my cabin. Interesting." He expected all buildings to look the same.
"Doctor!" Another human approached him. This one looked weak, like it would cry if Harry urinated on him. He thought about it, but he did not have to go. Yet.
"I'm Mayor Ben Hawthorne! So pleased to finally meet you!" He held out his fingered appendage. Harry looked at it.
Mayor. What does that mean again? Oh yes. Some kind of leader. Like a Disney Princess. I learned about those.
"I do not wish to marry you," he said.
The Mayor Ben Hawthorne gave a little laugh and then grabbed his hand and shook it up and down briefly.
Did we just mate?
"Thank you so much for coming to help us, we really appreciate it. I wish we could have met under better circumstances. The body is right this way…"
I hope I am not pregnant. I am not ready
"Disgusting. She's been dead at least six hours. What kind of monster would do this to a body?"
"Are you talking about that chicken salad sandwich on Sam's desk?"
"You were not specific about which body."
"The human body over there, Doctor." Sheriff Mike's balls grew impatient. "Do I really have to hold your hand through this?"
"No thank you, I am not ready for children."
Harry approached the body.
"She is a Native female, between 55-65 years of age, has had at least five offspring…" He turned to the Sheriff. "Has this body been deloused yet?"
"Excuse me?"
Asta Twelvetrees, the nurse who was standing right in front of him fully alive and awake, gave him a look of utmost disgust.
"THE DEAD HUMAN BODY ON THE FLOOR, DOCTOR."
"I'm not even in my 40's!"
"I said you were between 55-65 years old."
"Hang tight, Deputy, we about to have ourselves another murder," muttered Mike.
"No thank you," said Harry. "I do not want to do two autopsies. Not to mention, a self-autopsy would be quite difficult. Not that I have not tried on the way over here."
Deputy Liv chuckled.
Harry moved to uncover the tarp on the floor.
"Excuse you!" screamed another nurse, revealed when the tarp was removed. "I was napping!"
"Ellen, get out of there!" said the first one.
"There is an infestation of nurses here," said Harry, who had learned all about medical procedures and nothing about staffing nor administration.
"Where's Sam's body?"
"It's right over there." She pointed to the middle of the floor where it laid sprawled, quite obvious.
"That is not the CPR dummy?" asked Harry.
Ellen gave him a stink-face and left to go sleep on the gynecology exam chair.
There were plenty of humans to choose from, but which one?
I found an isolated little domicile by a lake. I could sense that only one human currently occupied it.
I had hoped it was a female, they tend to be the dominant sex in dimorphic and trimorphic species. It was, however, an older male. Fine. I will take what I can get.
I had intended to greet the human peacefully, to ask him if I could borrow his DNA and his identity temporarily, and in exchange I would deposit some of my genetically superior eggs inside of him. But he randomly went into a fear reaction and pulled out a weapon I would later find out was called a "shit gun," fully intending on killing me and stealing ALL my eggs.
I could not have that.
Fortunately, I remembered I had an alien ball on my person which would morph into an escape pod. I shoved him in there and sent him up to see how he would like it if he were surrounded by other aliens who might steal his eggs. It was at this point, watching my escape pod launch into the sky and vanish into a pinprick of light, I realized that I, unfortunately, no longer had my escape pod.
Uranus was making me stupider by the second.
All I know about humans at this point is that they are bipedal, they come in different colors, and, as I learned from the fourteen-car pile-up I coincidentally caused, their exoskeleton was either inside (which would be preposterous) or nonexistent.
I told that angry woman to prep the murdered body on the table while I dashed into the bathroom and looked up human anatomy real quick. I am shocked to learn that they do have an inside exoskeleton, called an endoskeleton. They also have two kidneys but one heart. Seriously? My people have five hearts. We also have pincers around our male parts, for precision. For some reason the human males are missing those. I suppose it makes sense; there are only 8 billion of them. My people's population has grown to 789 billion this year.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the male duck penis. Dear God.
"You are standing there. Why are you standing there?"
That lady, who he learned was labeled Asta, finished setting up the tools and chart yet did not leave. She even had the audacity to gown herself and prep for autopsy.
"I've never seen a dead body before," she confessed.
"Oh. I see."
"Also, I lost my keys. They might be in there."
"That is the worst."
"Yes."
Harry had eaten her keys. She could never know.
The autopsy went without a hitch. Dr. Sam Hodge's body showed nothing out of the ordinary, except the large spear they found in his head.
"Cause of Death; Suicide."
"Really?" Asta scowled at him behind her face shield. "He speared himself?"
"You are stupider than a goldfish."
"What?! I don't even know how to swim! And I am not writing down suicide as the cause of death!"
It was Harry's turn to scowl. He could not argue with her, because he did not know how to read or write yet. In his efforts learning all the languages, he was illiterate in every single one of them. He didn't think it would come up.
"Fine. Put down 'Natural Causes.'"
"Doctor!"
"This spear is made of organic wood and pure steel-"
"WHERE ARE MY KEYS, HARRY?"
I THOUGHT THEY WERE CANDY.
"I do not know where they are! Have you checked your pockets? Your bellybutton?"
She pointed a bloody rib at him and squinted.
"I'm watching you."
"Where did you get that? We did not remove any ribs."
"I stole it from Ellen. I don't know why she had it."
"Maybe she took your keys?"
"I would know if she took them. She sleeps on the x-ray table sometimes."
Harry finalized the autopsy with a lovely woven rose stitch embroidery pattern to suture up the body (sometimes he got wires crossed in his brain like that. All of his learnings were still new to him.) It had taken him hours, so Asta got bored and went drinking without him.
I was able to harvest the human man's DNA from an empty enema bottle I had found in the trash. It was most unfortunate that I had not known at the time what it was, and that my species collects DNA via our mouths.
Anyway. From what little I knew of humans, I understood they blow air through their vocal cords and perform complex mouth movements to manipulate the organic noise for their language. Far more impractical and needlessly complicated than our species, which have a different microscopic mouth organ for each sound, and we also communicate with metachrosis, pheromones, telepathy, and finger painting.
Human language was the first skill I studied, crouching naked on the coffee table (it had taken a while to learn how to walk or sit appropriately, or put on clothes with my new body- I was doing things one at a time), and watching the television that had been left on.
"You're a wizard, Harry."
"yyuugavavidrry."
*click*
"You're a wizard, Harry."
"Yuu aga wamazerry."
*click*
"You're a Wizard, Harry."
"Yurr ah wizzerd, hairy."
And so on until I learned English. I was most disappointed to soon ascertain that the body I had copied happened to belong to a Muggle. That was truly some deer shit.
Author's Note: Okay this was an insanely fun project. I've never written a comedic fic on anything that was already a comedy, so I tried my best. Chapter 2 is in the works. Chung-chung!