Attempt 4: Flirting
Izuku typed away at his computer, filling out another quirk analysis report. Despite wanting to get fired, Izuku would still do proper work. It would be terrible if a hero got hurt because of his own negligence. That didn't mean he wasn't trying to plan his next attempt, either. Poisoning coffee, hacking the Agency's PA system and getting into a screaming match with his boss's kid didn't work. He needed something else.
Izuku jerked from a sudden scream, followed by the sound of a high velocity slap. Then there was a comedic "AUGH!" followed by an impact. Izuku didn't even need to look to see another intern had tried to make a pass at Burnin'. Seriously, how many times would she need to slap an idiot into a wall before they realize that the tall heroine wearing such an…alluring outfit was no excuse to touch her without consent? What sorta school did these guys go to where they seemingly got away with that?
…Maybe they need to put up a sign.
"YOU'RE FIRED!"
Izuku froze. He slowly turned around, finally looking at the familiar scene. Burnin' standing in anger above some idiotic intern, who was slumped against the wall a meter beneath a small crater. Most sidekicks didn't pay attention at all. Burnin' turned to the remaining two interns, fury in her eyes.
"And take that as a warning!" the fiery heroine roared. "I don't appreciate being flirted with, and if you so much as lay a finger on me, you'll be lucky if getting fired is the only thing I do to you! Now back to work!" The other two interns screamed in terror and fled to do whatever tasks they had. Burnin' gave a huff, grabbed the unconscious intern by his foot and dragged him toward the door.
…It was perfect. Come to think of it, hearing such an event was what inspired him to begin his campaign towards getting fired in the first place! Why didn't he think to try it before?
…Oh right, he didn't want bodily harm.
…
…Well, if he really wanted to get fired, he'd have to go towards drastic measures, it seemed. And thankfully, he was friends with someone who could help in such regard.
—
After work that evening, Izuku jumped onto his personal computer and logged in to chat with an old friend. Someone he befriended in UA. A Hero student no less! True, he wasn't that well known a hero, but his quirk was certainly an interesting one. He had moved to Europe a couple years back to get married to his long-distance girlfriend, a heroine with a lust-powered quirk.
…European quirks were weird.
With a laugh at the memory of how that wedding went, Izuku sent the ping to his friend.
BroccoBro
@Grapeking, you online?
Grapeking
Midoriya! Long time no see, dude! Gotta be super late over there, why are ya still up?
BroccoBro
Was hoping to talk to you, actually. Need some help that requires your expertise.
Grapeking
Whoa, the Gen Ed Valedictorian of UA needs my expertise? Who are you and what have you done with Midoriya?
BroccoBro
Focus. Listen, remember how you used to act in UA before you met Rinnat?
Grapeking
Oh God, going for the embarrassing memories already? Yeah, what about it?
BroccoBro
Listen, I need to get fired from my current job, and at the moment the only way I can think of getting fired is by flirting with the 2nd-in-command. So I need you to send me the worst, most offensive pickup lines you can remember from First Year.
Grapeking
Wait, you want to get fired? Dude, I remember a few years back you were stuck trying to find a job because you're quirkless.
Now you want to get fired?
Get fired from a job that's kept you for years?
What kinda place is it that you want to get fired after spending a good two years job hunting?
BroccoBro
Endeavor's Agency.
Grapeking
Say no more.
Within a half hour, Grapeking had sent Midoriya a pdf holding his worst, most raunchy pickup lines. Izuku opened it to browse what he had been given. He made the mistake of drinking some milk when he opened it. At least his spittake was directed away from the screen. He knew his friend was pretty bad, but he had no idea it was this bad.
With a sigh, Izuku went to work sorting through the hentai script, picking out a few lines to tone down. He just wanted to get fired, not brutally murdered. It would take time, but hopefully it would be what he needed.
—
Several days after Mineta's pdf, Izuku waited outside the Agency building. He clocked out a few minutes prior, and was on his lime-green moped waiting for Kamiji Moe to come out. By waiting for the workday to finish, he'd hopefully get away with just being told not to come back to work tomorrow.
After another minute, he saw Burnin' leave the building. He knew she used public transport because he'd bought tickets for her a few times in the past. This meant she would walk to the stations rather than the garage. It was go time. Izuku putted up to her, his moped getting her attention.
"Oh, hey Midoriya," Kamiji greeted. "Something up?" Now that he was here, his nervousness ripped into his psyche, and he stuttered as he pulled out the cards he wrote a few lines on.
"Um," he started, reading from the card, "A-are you a kleptomaniac? Cuz you stole my heart." He gave a nervous glance at Moe, who had a look of surprise rather than anger. Must not have been a good enough line. He quickly switched to a different card.
"Hey babe, you're so smoking hot it's getting hard to breathe." He was glad to say this one without stuttering, but again he was met with silence rather than rage. This time, though, there seemed to be a small smirk on her face? Oh maybe she was waiting to see how far he'd go before firing him. Next card.
"Baby, I'd gladly drag my…on second thought, not that one." He quickly threw that card away and read the next one. "Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and play house? You can be the door and…okay maybe not that one either." He threw that card away. Why had so many snuck past him like this? "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together." Looking back up at Burnin', Izuku saw she was covering her mouth. Good, maybe one more.
"Are you a Christmas tree? Cuz I'd like to climb you and-"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!"
Izuku stopped reading and looked up at the taller heroine. She was laughing. She was laughing so hard she was almost doubled over. That…that was not the intended effect.
"Oh my god, that was hilarious!" Kamiji continued laughing. "You looked so nervous reading those cards, it's too adorable!"
…Adorable?
"Okay runt," the heroine said as she sat on the back of his moped. Her hair reshaped to form a helmet around her head as she continued, "I think you've earned a shot. Where ya plannin' on taking me?"
"...Um," Izuku stammered, "I-I do know of a nice small restaurant that makes some wicked katsudon?"
"Sounds good!" Burnin' smiled as she leaned forward to wrap her arms around Izuku. The green-haired man squeaked at feeling a pair of really soft things pressing into his back as she rested her chin on his shoulder. "Let's go, shrimpy!" With a nervous nod, Izuku started his moped and drove them both down the street.
—
Six hours later, Izuku found himself lying in bed. Kamiji Moe's bed, to be precise. The two of them were lying together, with Moe already asleep. She was wrapped around Izuku, using him like a body pillow. Both adults were under the blankets, and both were bereft of clothing.
"...I have no idea how this happened," Izuku whispered to himself.