Chapter 6: Cofveve Redux

"...Pardon?" Izuku asked, not sure he heard things right.

"I need you to teach me how you prep Endeavor's coffee," Kido repeated.

"...Okay, so I did hear you correctly," the green man sighed. "And Endeavor specifically asked for my sort of coffee?"

"We think he can tolerate our brews, but he's honestly been in such a good mood since you started making it for him. We mostly just don't want him to explode while you're gone, so…" izuku stared at the hero for a few seconds before sighing in defeat.

"Follow me," Izuku said as he grabbed Kido's shoulder and dragged him towards the break room.

"You're the best, man!" Kido cheered as he let himself get dragged along. Izuku shared none of his excitement. He knew this wasn't going to be fun.

"Here's how it's gonna go," Izuku said as he and Kido entered the break room. "I'm gonna make Endeavor's coffee. You are gonna watch me make it. You will not say anything, you will not try to stop me. Ask no questions until after you see Endeavor drink." Kido was confused, but nodded in agreement. Then he watched Izuku get to work making the coffee. At first, things seemed normal with Izuku working the machine.

Then Kido's bandaged visage turned to a mask of horror as Izuku scooped five large spoonfuls of American mayonnaise into the coffee pitcher. That horror stayed as Izuku stirred in the condiment until it dissolved. Then, with a completely blank face, Izuku poured the coffee (if it could even be called that anymore) into a mug. He gestured for Kido to follow as he walked out the break room. Kido was in so much shock it took a few moments for him to catch up.

Kido kept that look of horror as Izuku walked into Endeavor's room with the mug of…okay, even Kido was doubting that mug contained actual coffee after what Izuku did to it. He watched from the doorway as Izuku gently set the mug on Endeavor's desk. His jaw dropped enough to almost rip his bandages as he watched Endeavor take several gulps of coffee before verbally lauding Izuku's coffee skills. The green man simply shrugged and exited the office. Once they were outside, and the door was closed, Kido turned to Izuku.

"He takes fucking mayo in his coffee?" he hoarsely whispered.

"Welcome to my hell," Izuku sighed. Kido just started in horror and walked away, too horrified at the eldritch truth he had learned to notice Izuku's grimace at the pile of papers on his desk.

—

The following morning, Izuku supervised Kido making the cup of [REDACTED]. The hero copied Izuku's actions perfectly, much to their dismay. Upon completion, they both walked to Endeavor's office, but Izuku took the mug before they could walk in.

"I'll give it to him," Izuku stated. "You're supposed to be at your desk, so he might take offense to you walking into his office."

"If you think so," Kido shrugged, letting Midoriya handle the Nightmare Fuel. Izuku walked into the office like normal, and set the mug on the desk like normal. Endeavor took it and took a sip…

…and the room suddenly felt pretty warm.

"Midoriya," The Flame Hero addressed with an even tone, "what is this coffee?"

At that point, Izuku knew something was wrong.

"It's the coffee I usually make," Izuku explained. "If it tastes different, I had to open a new box of…one of the ingredients I use. Is it still satisfactory?"

"...I think that box is expired," Endeavor said with a sour expression. "Please have one of the latest interns make me a new coffee. Please buy some…new ingredients, and fill out an expense report for them. That will be all." Izuku watched as Endeavor slowly set the mug down at the very corner of his desk, eyeing it like it was a venomous snake. Izuku stared in confusion for a few more seconds before nodding and leaving the room.

"The hell was that?" Kido whispered. "I made it exactly like you did."

"I know," Izuku groaned. "I dunno what happened either."

"What happened?" Burnin' asked, seeming to appear from nowhere.

"Midoriya's coffee is fucking crazy," Kido replied. "And I have no idea why, but Endeavor likes it when he makes it, but not when I do even though I make it exactly like he does."

"...Okay, what is he talking about, Mido?"

"...I…I think everyone should see what we mean."

—

The morning after that, every sidekick and intern was gathered in the break room. The only people absent were Izuku Moe, who were both getting supplies for the experiment, and the accountants. Even Todoroki Shouto was present to see what was going on. As they sat and stood waiting for the other two, one question went through the sidekick's minds.

"Was this room always this big?" Shouto asked.

"I dunno, I got hired yesterday," an intern replied.

"Well, I know Fatgum has no problem fitting in here," Kido joked. A few people groaned before they heard Izuku and Moe walking down the hall.

"...and that's how we handled Schizo Monstro," Burnin' finished, having regaled Izuku of a major operation the Agency did. "It was hard, but we did it. Wish we had Eraserhead, though."

"Yeah, that would have made things easier," Izuku replied. "Too bad he's not a hero anymore."

"Don't suppose you happen to know what happened? I think you were a First-Year in UA when he left the hero scene."

"He was arrested for Abuse of Authority, Quirk Discrimination, Neglect and Manslaughter."

"...Okay, you have to tell me the story there."

"Sure," Izuku nodded as he and Moe stepped into the breakroom, "just make sure you didn't eat anything first." He saw the full room and froze in place. "...I suddenly feel nervous."

"You'll be fine, sweetie," Burnin' replied as she set down the box in her arms. "Okay, guys, we got two new coffee makers, two new boxes of coffee, and two new jars of American mayonnaise. Midoriya will use one, I'll use the other, and we'll both do the exact same thing to make Endeavor's coffee this morning."

"Wait, Endeavor takes mayo in his coffee?" an intern asked.

"I reacted the same way," Kido shook his head.

"I knew he was a heathen," the long-haired intern spoke up, "but liking mayo? In his coffee?" Then the intern gave a grimace that made his mouth look a lot larger than it was. As no one was looking at him, no one saw Shouto make the exact same expression at realizing just what he was drinking with his father.

"He doesn't know there's mayo in it," Izuku explained as he and Burnin' unpacked everything.

"Yeah," another sidekick, the horn-headed Onima, nodded. "Midoriya likely put it in as a prank, but since Endeavor gave him a raise for it…"

…Izuku could not bring himself to correct Onima there. Keeping his mouth shut, Izuku just went to work on the coffee. He and Burnin' started brewing their coffee at the same time, doing everything exactly the same. Kamiji even pulled out the measuring cups to make sure they both added the exact same amount of mayonnaise. When they were done, everyone was looking at a pair of identical mugs of liquid that once had dreams of being coffee.

"...Are you really gonna give these to my father?" Shouto asked.

"We need to test something," Kido said as he set the mugs on a platter. "I watched Midoriya make a mug of this two days ago and the boss loved it. I made the exact same thing yesterday and he almost Quirked up from how bad it tasted."

"Maybe it's just his quirk?" the big-mouth intern asked.

"I'm quirkless," Izuku bluntly replied as he took the platter from Kido and began the trek to Endeavor's office. Everyone followed him with morbid curiosity.. "Went to two different doctors to be sure."

"Two?" Burnin' asked.

"Well, the first one was a quack with a foot fetish."

"...Ew."

With that final declaration from Burnin', Izuku and the sidekicks stepped into Endeavor's office. The hero in question looked at the crowd with scrunched eyes. He was not accustomed to seeing so many people in his office.

"I know I wanted to talk to Midoriya later today," Endeavor stated, "but I don't recall saying anything about the rest of you."

"We're experimenting with different coffees," Burnin' casually lied to her boss. "We know you're gonna ask Midoriya to be out of town for a while, so we're trying to find a coffee you'd like. Please try this one first. The second one's Midoriya's, so you'll wanna save that one for last in case the first coffee isn't good."

"...How very proactive of you," Endeavor admitted as he took the liquefied Icon of Sin that Burnin' made. He took a single sip…and slowly set the mug down, his eye twitching. Then he grabbed Izuku's concoction and took several deep swigs. The hero gave a relieved sigh as he set the mug down.

"Okay, that one's no good," Shouto murmured with a confused face.

"But HOW!?" an intern asked. "They were made the exac-"

"AN-yway," Kido exclaimed as he covered said intern's face with his hand, "now we know not to go with that recipe, and we'll try something else tomorrow. So let's get back to work everyone!"

"Midoriya, stay here," Endeavor declared. "May as well take this moment to tell you what I need." The green man nodded and sat in the chair across from the massive flaming guy while everyone else quietly shuffled from the room. "Now, as Burnin' pointed out, I have an assignment for you that will take you out of town for around a week."

"Before you tell me anything," Izuku raised his hand, "why me? I'm no hero, sir. I'm just a paper-pusher."

"You're a very observant paper-pusher," Endeavor stated, "and one I have come to trust with observations. In fact, you are one of two, possibly three, people I can trust this job to. The other two are Burnin', who is needed for a hero operation, and my son, who might not react nicely. I would do it myself, but my work keeps me so busy I haven't been able to do this task for literally years. And for the record, it's not a hero assignment, but rather a…personal one."

"Personal?" Izuku asked. There was a good minute of silence before Todoroki Enji leaned forward on his desk.

"I need you to go to Korusa Memorial Hospital, to supervise my wife's annual mental health assessment."