Note: In my version, Phoebus is a human sized dog in armor named Fleabus.
[Bell sound effect, Clopin walks on stage and yawns and stretches]
CLOPIN: Ah, morning in Paris, the city of lights! Listen to the bells of Notre Dame! Aren't they beautiful? But you know, they don't ring all by themselves.
LITTLE JESTER: They don't?
CLOPIN: No, silly boy! [hits LJ with a stick]
LITTLE JESTER: Ah!
CLOPIN: Up there in the bell tower of Notre Dame lives the bell ringer, a strange and mysterious creature who no one ever sees. Who is this mysterious bell ringer? How? did he come to be here?
LITTLE JESTER: Yeah! How?
CLOPIN: [hits jester with stick again] Hush!
LITTLE JESTER: Ah!
CLOPIN: I, Clopin, will tell you. It is a tale of a man and a monster.
[scene changes to gypsies in a boat]
CLOPIN: Our story begins on a dark, cold night. Four gypsies were sneaking into Paris by boat. They had come to Paris to go and live at the Court of Miracles, a secret underground hideaway beneath Paris where gypsies lived in peace. But as they entered the city, they had to make sure they weren't seen. Claude Frollo, Paris's Minister of Justice, hated gypsies. For years he had tried to get rid of the city of them. —- When these four gypsy refugees finally got off their on the docks near Notre Dame, a terrible surprise awaited them. Judge Claude Frollo himself was waiting for them with several guards.
FROLLO: Lock them up!
[guards have gypsies taken away]
FROLLO: What do you have there?! Stooen goods, no doubt!
CLOPIN: But one of the gypsies, a woman carrying a bundle, tried to escape. She ran!
[Quasi's mom runs, Frollo runs after her. Enter Notre Dame and well.]
QUASI'S MOM: [pounds on cathedral doors] Sanctuary! Give us sanctuary!
CLOPIN: But no one answered the door! Frollo caught up to the woman. He knocked her to the ground, and she struck her head on the front steps of the Notre Dame and died.
LITTLE JESTER: And her brains oozed like a melted malted!
FROLLO: What's this? A baby? [picks up bundle and gasps] A monster!
CLOPIN: The bundle the gypsy woman had been carrying was in fact a newborn baby with a deformed face and a hunched back. Frollo was disgusted and went to drop it into a well to drown it.
[Archdeacon emerges from the doors of Notre Dame.]
ARCHDEACON: Stop! Have you gone mad? Drowning an innocent baby?!
FROLLO: This is an unholy demon. I'm sending it back to hell where it belongs.
ARCHDEACON: You have already killed an innocent woman on holy ground, and now you would add this child's blood to your guilt?
FROLLO: I am innocent. She ran, I pursued. It is her fault.
ARCHDEACON: You can lie to yourself all you like, but you can never hide what you've done from Notre Dame herself! [points at the cathedral]
CLOPIN: And for the first time in his life, Frollo felt a twinge of fear for his immortal soul.
FROLLO: What must I do to make up for my sin?
ARCHDEACON: Take the child in. Raise him as your own.
FROLLO: Me, saddled with this- ?! Oh, very well! Just as long as I can keep him here in your church, in the bell tower perhaps, where no one will see him. And who knows? Our Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe someday even this foul creature will be of use to me.
CLOPIN: Frollo gave the child a cruel name- Quasimodo, which means "half-formed". He fed him, clothed him, and taught him to read and write. As soon as Quasimodo was old enough, Frollo taught him to ring the bells of Notre Dame. And so every day, Quasimodo rang the bells for all the city to hear. But although Frollo raised the boy as if he were his own son, he did not love him.
FROLLO: Remember, Quasimodo, you must never leave the bell tower. Down there, people will only judge and mock you because you are deformed and ugly. The world is a cruel place. That is why your heartless mother abandoned you when you were a baby. Up here, you are safe.
QUASIMODO: Yes, Master. You are good to me. [goes to ring the bells]
CLOPIN: Now every year in January came the Festival of Fools, and all of Paris would leave their work behind and celebrate. There were dancers and jesters and musicians and lots of noise and excitement. Quasimodo loved watching the festival from his bell tower. But as he grew older, he started to wish he were actually down there at the festival instead of just watching it. —- The year Quasimodo turned twenty, he had had enough. On the day of the Festival of Fools, when Frollo wasn't watching, he swung down from the bell tower and landed in the square in the middle of the festivities. No one payed him any attention. They thought his face was a costume mask for the festival.
DUDE: Hey! Great mask!
CLOPIN: Quasimodo was amazed, for he had never been seen so many people and color and activity.
JESTER: See the finest gypsy dancer in all of France! The beautiful Esmeralda!
["I Like To Move It" plays, Esmeralda dances, everyone bops along.]
QUASIMODO: Mon dieu!
[Jester on stage]
JESTER: And now the moment you've all been waiting for! Time to crown the King of Fools!
CLOPIN: The jester also thought Quasimodo's face was a mask- the ugliest mask he'd ever seen- and so he crowned him King of Fools.
JESTER: All hail Quasimodo, the King of Fools!
CLOPIN: But when he tried to remove Quasi's mask, he found that it wasn't a mask at all, but his real face. The people were disgusted and afraid. They began to throw garbage at Quasimodo and mock him and shout insults. They tied him down with a rope and continued to torture him. Quasi saw his Master, Frollo, in the crowd. He cried out to him…
QUASIMODO: Master! Please! Help me!
CLOPIN: But Frollo did nothing. He wanted Quasi to learn a lesson for disobeying him and leaving the bell tower. — But suddenly everyone grew quiet as a figure walked up onto the stage. It was Esmeralda the gypsy dancer.
["I Like To Move It" begins to play.]
ESMERALDA: No, not right now! Cut the music!
CLOPIN: Esmeralda knelt next to Quasi and wiped his face with her scarf. But Frollo wasn't pleased.
FROLLO: You! Gypsy girl! Get down from there at once!
ESMERALDA: Yes, your honor. Just as soon as I free this poor creature.
FROLLO: I forbid it!
CLOPIN: But she cut the ropes and freed Quasimodo anyway.
FROLLO: How dare you disobey me!
ESMERALDA: You mistreat this poor boy the same way you mistreat my people! We need justice!
FROLLO: Enough! Captain Fleabus, arrest her!
ESMERALDA: [fake crying as Fleabus approaches her] Oh, my. What's a poor girl to do? [sneezes and disappears in a puff of smoke]
FROLLO: Witchcraft!
[Esmeralda makes Fleabus chase her all over before disappearing again for good in a puff of smoke.]
FROLLO: Guards! Find that gypsy girl and bring her to me alive! I want her to be punished for her insolence!
["Later that day…" sign appears on stage, then Esmeralda walks into Notre Dame disguised in a cloak. Once inside, removes cloak]
ESMERALDA: [looking around at the cathedral] Wow… it's so beautiful. [continues to look around quietly. Enter Fleabus. Esmeralda pushes Fleabus to the ground.] Get away from me!
FLEABUS: Easy! I'm not going to arrest you. We're in a church. I can't.
ESMERALDA: Oh, really?
FLEABUS: Yes. I can't arrest you on holy ground. That's the law.
ESMERALDA: Then what do you want?!
[Fleabus scratches]
FLEABUS: Sorry, it's just these nasty fleas are biting me. Ugh. Hold on a moment. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I just want to know your name.
ESMERALDA: Is this an interrogation?
FLEABUS: No. just an introduction. My name is Fleabus. I'm Captain of the Guard. [scratches.].
ESMERALDA: And they call you Fleabus because…?
FLEABUS: Because I have fleas.
ESMERALDA: Uh-huh. That's what I thought. Well, my name is-
LITTLE JESTER: Je suis saucisson!
ESMERALDA: My name is-
LITTLE JESTER: Je suis saucisson!
ESMERALDA: [becoming annoyed] My name is-
LITTLE JESTER: Je suis saucisson!
ESMERALDA: SHUT UP! [hits little jester with a stick] My name is Esmeralda.
FLEABUS: Esmeralda. Beautiful.
[Enter Frollo]
FROLLO: Good work, Captain! You've found her! Now arrest her!
FLEABUS: [scratching] Claim sanctuary! Quick! Say it!
ESMERALDA: You tricked me!
FLEABUS: I'm sorry, sir, but she claimed sanctuary. There's nothing I can do.
FROLLO: Then drag her outside and-
ARCHDEACON: Frollo! You will not touch her! Don't worry. Minister Frollo learned years ago to respect the sanctity of the church.
FROLLO: Ugh. [stalks away]
ARCHDEACON: Come, Captain Fleabus.
FLEABUS: [as they walk away] Archdeacon, can you tell me who is the patron saint of fleas? I need help.
[Archdeacon leads a scratching Fleabus outside. As soon as they are gone, Frollo re-emerges.]
FROLLO: You think you've outwitted me, but I am a patient man, and gypsies don't do well inside stone walls. You've chosen a magnificent prison. But it is a prison nonetheless. [walks outside]
[Esmeralda rushes to look out the window, then rushes to open the door but immediately closes it.]
ESMERALDA: He's put guards at every door! Ugh. If Frollo thinks he can keep me here, then he's wrong.
[Re-enter Archdeacon]
ARCHDEACON: Don't act rashly, my child. You created quite a stir at the festival. It would be unwise to make Frollo any angrier than he already is.
ESMERALDA: You saw what he did out there! Letting the crowd torture that poor boy! I thought if just one person could stand up to him, then… What do they have against people who are different anyway?
ARCHDEACON: You can't right all the wrongs of the world yourself. But perhaps there's someome in here who can.
[Esmeralda walks up to statue of Mary and baby Jesus and begins to sing "God Help The Outcasts" badly, off key. Archdeacon gently and politely tries to shush her up, but she ignores him and keeps singing. Finally, Archdeacon loses it and yells…]
ARCHDEACON: HEY, CLOWN! CRAM IT! WE'RE IN A BLEEPING CHURCH!
[Esmeralda stops singing]
ESMERALDA: Sorry. [a la Eliza Doolittle] Ehh, is this where you wash clothes? [dunks head into "ye olde baptismal font"]
[Enter Quasimodo, who silently comes up behind Esmeralda and looks at her. She doesn't see him.]
PARISHONER: You! Bell ringer! Haven't you caused enough trouble already? Go back to your tower!
[Esmeralda notices Quasi, but he runs back up to the bell tower. She runs after him.]
ESMERALDA: Wait! Please don't go! I want to talk to you!
CLOPIN: Esmeralda followed the hunchback up to the bell tower.
ESMERALDA: Is this where you live?
QUASI: Yes. This is my bell tower.
ESMERALDA: Aren't you lonely up here all by yourself?
QUASI: Oh, I'm not alone. I have the gargoyles. And the bells. Would you like to see them?
CLOPIN: Quasimodo showed her the bells of Notre Dame. Then he took her out to his balcony and showed her the view. They could see all of Paris against the sunset, and the River Seine shining like a silver ribbon.
ESMERALDA: Oh, my… I bet even the king himself doesn't have a view like this. I could stay here forever.
QUASI: You could, you know. You could stay up here with me. You have sanctuary here. No one will harm you.
ESMERALDA: Yes, but not freedom. Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls.
QUASI: But you are different from other gypsies. Other gypsies are evil.
ESMERALDA: Who told you that gypsies are evil?
QUASI: My master, Frollo.
ESMERALDA: I don't understand how someone so cruel could have raised someone as kind and gentle as you.
QUASI: Oh, no! My master isn't cruel! He took me in when I was a baby. No one else wanted me because I am a monster.
ESMERALDA: Is that what he told you? Here, let me see your palm. This line here means you have a long life line. And this one means you're shy. But that's funny… I don't see any.
QUASI: Any what?
ESMERALDA: Monster lines. Not a single one. Maybe Frollo is wrong about both of us. You're not a monster, and I'm not evil.
QUASI: Hmm.
ESMERALDA: I'd love to stay here with you, but I can't. I need my freedom. I have to escape somehow. But before I go, I want to give you something. [hands him map]
QUASI: What is it?
ESMERALDA: It's a map. If you ever want to see me, or if you ever need a safe place to hide, this map will lead you to the Court of Miracles.
QUASI: The Court of Miracles. The gypsies' secret hideout.
ESMERALDA: Yes. You'll always be welcome there.
QUASI: You know, I could help you escape.
ESMERALDA: How? There are guards at every door. It's impossible.
QUASI: We won't use a door. See, the other day, Frollo threw out my old mattress. It was moldy. See it down there?
ESMERALDA: Oh, yeah.
QUASI: We're waiting for the trash guys to pick it up. So you know what I think we should do?
ESMERALDA: What?
QUASI: This! [throws Esmeralda off the balcony] BYEEEEE, ESMERALDAAA!
ESMERALDA: [off screen] Byeeee, Quasi!
[Quasi sighs and stares dreamily into the distance, then rings bells. Begins simging "Heaven's Light", but one of the still-ringing bells clobbers him and he is thrown aside with a scream.]
["Later that night…" sign appears on stage. Cut to Frollo.]
[guard knocks on the door, then enters]
GUARD: Minister Frollo, the gypsy has escaped. She's nowhere inside the cathedral.
FROLLO: What?! How?! There was no way… Oh, never mind! Get out, you fool! I'll find her! I'll find her if I have to burn down all of Paris!
[Frollo exits, Clopin enters]
CLOPIN: The next morning at dawn, Claude Frollo began his ruthless search for the gypsy Esmeralda. He and his guards barged into the shops and homes of innocent citizens and tore them apart trying to find her hiding place. They rounded up any gypsies they could find and offered them money if only they would tell where Esmeralda was. But none of the gypsies would say a word, so Frollo had them locked up and thrown in prison. The entire time, Captain Fleabus stood by Frollo, though he did not believe what they were doing was right. If he disobeyed the Minister of Justice, he would be killed. —- But the last straw for Captain Fleabus came after Frollo had interrogated the miller.
FROLLO: The miller says that he knows nothing of Esmeralda, and that he has not been hiding gypsies. I don't believe him. I've locked him, his wife, and his children inside. [hands Fleabus a torch] Now burn the cottage.
FLEABUS: What?!
FROLLO: You heard me! I said burn it!
FLEABUS: With all due respect, sir, I was not trained to murder the innocent.
FROLLO: But you were trained to follow orders! Now, burn it!
CLOPIN: But Fleabus refused.
FLEABUS: No. [throws torch into well]
FROLLO: Insolent coward! I'll burn it myself! [grabs another torch and sets cottage on fire]
CLOPIN: Fleabus jumped through a window of the burning cottage, kicked the door open, and allowed the miller's family to escape.
[Fleabus scratches]
CLOPIN: Ahem! I said, Fleabus jumped through a window of-
FLEABUS: Yes, yes, I heard you. It's just these nasty fleas. They're feeding on my right armpit. Fleabus to the rescue!
[Fleabus saves the miller's family and they escape]
CLOPIN: Frollo was not pleased.
FROLLO: The punishment for insubordination is death! Lock him up! He'll be executed in the morning.
CLOPIN: But Fleabus escaped.
FROLLO: Shoot him!
CLOPIN: As Fleabus ran over the bridge, an arrow hit him and he fell into the river.
FROLLO: Leave him there! Let the traitor rot in his watery grave!
[Exit Frollo and his men]
CLOPIN: Little did they know, Esmeralda had been watching the whole time. When she saw Fleabus fall into the river, she rushed over, jumped into the water, and dragged him to safety. Fleabus was wounded, but he was still alive.
[Esmeralda looks into the water]
ESMERALDA: Dang! Look at all the fleas he left in the water!
LITTLE JESTER: Yeah! Maybe all he needs is a good soak.
ESMERALDA: Hmm.
CLOPIN: Meanwhile, Quasimodo was in his bell tower watching all the fires Frollo had set in the city looking for Esmeralda.
[knock]
ESMERALDA: Quasimodo?
QUASI: Esmeralda!
ESMERALDA: Quasi, you've already done so much for me. But I need to ask you one last favor. This is Fleabus. He's wounded, and a fugitive like me. Can you hide him here in the bell towe, just until he's stronger? If they find him, he'll be killed.
CLOPIN: Quasimodo agreed to hide Fleabus in his tower. Esmeralda cleaned up his wound.
ESMERALDA: [fussing with Fleabus's wound] You're lucky. That arrow almost pierced your heart. You- You have flea dirt!
FLEABUS: Of course I have flea dirt! I'm completely infested with fleas!
LITTLE JESTER: What's flea dirt?
FLEABUS: It's flea poop.
LITTLE JESTER: Eww!
FLEABUS: Please, can we not make a big deal out of it?
ESMERALDA: Not a big deal? Out of this? You have so much flea dirt, it looks like someone poured coffee grounds into your fur!
FLEABUS: Yes, well-
ESMERALDA: Have you ever thought about getting a flea comb? Or some diatomaceous earth?
QUASI: Guys! Frollo's coming! Esmeralda, go out the back door! I'll hide Doofus!
FLEABUS: It's Fleabus!
QUASI: Shhh!
[Exit Esmeralda while Quasi hides Fleabus. Frollo storms in.]
FROLLO: Quasimodo! You've been hiding something from me, haven't you?!
QUASI: N-n-no, Master!
FROLLO: Yes you have! I know it! You helped that gypsy girl escape, didn't you?! There were guards at every door. There was no way she could have escaped unless YOU helped her!
QUASI: She was kind to me, Master.
FROLLO: You idiot! That wasn't kindness, that was cunning! Gypsies are not capable of real love! [more calmly] But then again, what chance does a poor, misshapen child like you stand against her heathen treachery? Well, never you mind, Quasimodo. She will be out of our lives soon enough. I've found her hiding place, the Court of Miracles. Tomorrow at dawn I'll attack with a thousand men!
[Exit Frollo]
CLOPIN: Quasimodo knew he had to warn Esmeralda and the other gypsies before it was too late. He took the map Esmeralda had given him, left the bell tower, and began making his way to the Court of Miracles. —- He found the secret entrance hidden under a large tombstone in the cemetery.
[Quasimodo descends stairs, finds the gypsies in the COM]
QUASI: I've come to warn you! Frollo knows where you are! He's going to attack tomorrow morning at dawn! You have to leave!
CLOPIN: But it was all a trap!
[enter Frollo and his men]
FROLLO: Good work, Quasimodo! You lead me right to their hideout! I knew someday you would be of use to me.
CLOPIN: Frollo had all the gypsies arrested. The very next morning, he had Esmeralda taken to the square outside Notre Dame to be burned at the stake. To punish Quasimodo, he chained him up where he would be forced to watch her die.
[Cut to Esmeralda, Frollo, and Quasi outside cathedral. Frollo has a torch, Esmeralda is tied to the stake, and Quasi is chained to the cathedral.]
FROLLO: This is your last chance, gypsy. Choose me or the fire.
ESMERALDA: You? Never!
FROLLO: The witch Esmeralda has refused to recant! It is my sacred duty to send her back to hell where she belongs! [lights pyre]
QUASI: Noooooo!
CLOPIN: Quasimodo broke free of his chains and rushed towards the pyre to save Esmeralda. He slung her over his shoulder, climbed up the cathedral, held her triumphantly over his head and proclaimed…
QUASI: Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
CLOPIN: But then he dropped her, and she died anyway.
[Quasi drops Esmeralda]
QUASI: NOOOOOO!
CLOPIN: The end!
LITTLE JESTER: Wait! That's not how it ended! Roll it back!
CLOPIN: Alright, alright. Quasimodo held her triumphantly over his head and proclaimed….
QUASI: Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
CLOPIN: But then he dropped her.
QUASI: NOOOOO!
CLOPIN: Esmeralda fell on top of Frollo and flattened him, and he died.
LITTLE JESTER: He was flat as a pancake!
CLOPIN: But she survived, because Frollo cushioned her fall.
[Esmeralda gets up wheezing and coughing, guard drags Frollo's body away.]
CLOPIN: Everyone cheered because they never liked Frollo anyway, and they believed Esmeralda was innocent never wanted her to die.
[finger puppets cheer]
CLOPIN: All the gypsies were freed!
[Enter Fleabus]
QUASI: Hey, look! Feeble is all better!
FLEABUS: It's Fleabus! [approaches Esmeralda] Esmeralda, I love you. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me dance as if no one is watching. Do you [tentative pause] love me too?
ESMERALDA: You? Ew, no! You have fleas! [smacks Fleabus]
LITTLE JESTER: And don't forget the flea dirt!
CLOPIN: And she proclaimed her undying love for Quasimodo.
ESMERALDA: I LOVE QUASIMODO! [a la "Thow Momma From The Train"] My big chihuahua!
[Quasimodo and Esmeralda make out passionately and aggressively on the front steps of the Notre Dame]
FLEABUS: Oh, get a room! [stalks away scratching]
[Enter Clopin]
CLOPIN: And they all lived happily every after.
["I Like To Move It" plays and Clopin dances]
LITTLE JESTER: [a la King Julian from Madagascar] Goodbye to you! So long!