5
"Hey Jayje, do you want to put sweat pants on again?"
JJ gave a non-committal nod of the head and just continued staring away from her.
Penelope gently placed each leg in the pant legs but she knew getting this pair on would need to be done the same way the last pair came off. Sighing and trying to exhale with her breath the sorrow that she felt, she called out to Derek.
Derek walked down the hallway towards JJ's room, still berating himself for his earlier actions. He had taken away her power, and that was not something that anyone who had been through a major trauma such as JJ should have to endure.
Easing the door open he walked in and felt immediately guilty seeing JJ exposed once again. Feeling Garcia's penetrating stare he hurried over and began to help her cover the poor woman up.
Even when she was covered she still felt naked. She had seen the pitiful looks in their eyes as they saw the marks that marred her skin. Those marks disgusted her, why wouldn't they disgust them?
"…JJ? JJ… earth to Jayje?" Penelope repeated again. Yet both agents were met with no change in behaviour. Nothing that would alert them to the presence of their friend. What were they to do?
"What should we do Penelope? Take her into the lounge? Take away yet another decision?"
"Derek, she needs to get out of her head. And there is no way that will happen in here. Maybe she will talk to Emily? And you know that she needs to eat. Heck, she's heading towards being only skin and bones."
"I know that. But I feel so bad…"
"Just think about how this will be benefiting her in the long run."
"Come on Jayje. We're heading into the lounge, okay? You can sit with Em. It is a really nice morning with the sun coming in through the window. That'll be nice won't it?" Derek asked cautiously lifting her.
Walking down the hall he continued "And we can get some breakfast and maybe you could do a bit of reading? Or talk to Emily? What do you feel like JJ? Anything special?"
But the conversation was one-sided and pointless. He had to resign himself to the fact that he had to earn back her trust. "Would you like to sit on the couch or the recliner?"
No response.
"Okay, recliner it is."
JJ didn't have a choice in breakfast. It was something simple that she could eat with a spoon and one hand. Porridge. The team knew it wasn't her favourite thing to eat but they wanted to see how that would go down before they started pulling out all the stops.
Emily was still reading her novel but lifted her gaze often to check on the blonde opposite her. She was staring off into space and it worried her to no end. Morgan had been rambling non-stop about how much of an idiot he was. Emily knew that it was hurting him to see JJ like this, just like it was hurting her and Garcia. Yet it seemed to be worse for him because he felt so responsible for causing it.
Derek walked back in followed by Garcia holding a bowl of porridge and a spoon. He placed a table sort of like one from a hospital that had come with the hired supplies and Garcia placed the food on top of it.
"Here you go sweetness. You need to eat some of it." Penelope told her, looking at her expecting a reply. But she received nothing. JJ still stared into space.
Even moving into her line of vision didn't work, she just changed the direction in which she was looking. Or she continued to stare right through her.
"Come on JJ. You have to eat otherwise you aren't helping yourself. You'll be weak and you won't be able to help yourself heal."
With this sentence JJ looked down at the plate, seemingly contemplating her options. This gave Garcia some hope. But she was then dismayed as JJ resumed her staring.
Penelope was frustrated. She could understand why JJ felt this way, but at the same time, she knew she could never truly understand it and that was frustrating her because all she wanted to do was help.
The trio let JJ not eating her breakfast slide, but as lunch rolled around they were not so liberal.
A sandwich was placed in front of JJ. "JJ." Penelope started "You need to eat this."
JJ had spent the past few hours contemplating. Maybe she should have just gone into a long term care facility. That way she wouldn't be so much of a burden or so darn embarrassed.
Looking at the sandwich in front of her, she knew that she needed to eat, but she just didn't have the strength or the motivation.
She could feel the stares from her three friends as she continued to stare at everything but them.
They persisted with the badgering. Rounds of 'please', 'you know you need to eat' and 'please eat so you can heal' were thrown at her by the various voices in the room. She understood their position. Heck, she didn't have a clue how she'd react if she was in their position and one of them were in hers.
But that was the thing. They weren't. She was the one trapped in her own nightmare of a body. And no matter how bad they felt for her, they weren't going to be able to change her predicament.
Her thoughts were beginning to drive her batty as they played on a loop; over and over. But then she remembered why she had done it. She remembered how she felt being responsible for Emily being hurt.
But then how could she have been so stupid so as to allow herself to make such a stupid mistake with regards for her own safety.
But those spiralling bad thoughts were interrupted by Garcia coming and crouching in front of her.
"Sweetie? JJ…? Hey Jayje?"
JJ did nothing which was exactly what Penelope had expected. Tentatively reaching out she put her hand on top of JJ's good one. "JJ, please?"
Yet still there was not a glimpse of the real JJ.
"JJ. You have to listen to us. You have to listen to me, right here, right now. I am telling you, denying your body of the nutrients that it needs so that you can heal is not the smartest thing that you can do. And you must know that somewhere.
Honey, please. I know, we know that we told you that you were in charge back in your bedroom. And we know we didn't uphold our end of the bargain. And for that, I can tell you that we are both so, very incredibly sorry. But you have to understand. You were in pain, and we don't ever want to see you that way, so it was our natural reaction to help. But it you want we can try and curb that urge. But please, I beg you, you have to talk to us."
JJ had listened. She had contemplated. And she knew their intentions were genuine. She had all along, but accepting the lengths they wold go to care for her was something that she was finding and would continue to find difficult to accept.
"I… I'm just not hungry." JJ told them not looking at anyone.
"But you can't afford to not be hungry."
"But-"
"No buts about it."
"I…"
"Do you want to do something else while you eat? Take your mind off of it?"
JJ contemplated Emily's suggestion for a moment. Was there anything that she wanted to do that could be easily done in her state?
She thought for a while longer and then decided.
"I… can we go outside?"
"And you'll eat out there?"
"I s'pose."
Garcia looked as elated as all three of them felt. She got blankets and pillows. Made more sandwiches for all of them to eat.
She was going to make a real picnic out of it. While she organised that, Emily helped. That pretty much put Emily in charge of making sure she didn't go overboard.
Emily could get up and down as long as she had help which she was in ample supply of with both Garcia and Morgan to help.
JJ on the other hand they weren't too sure of.
"Why don't you in the wheelchair outside? It'll suppor-" Garcia had begun to suggest.
"No." JJ admonished. Derek simultaneously feeling the same tremor run through her body the night the wheelchairs had arrived. So he hadn't been imagining things.
"Then I don't know how w-"
"It's not like you're heavy Jayje. You can just sit on me and we'll prop up your legs. That way you've got your own built in back rest."
"I don't need a-"
"Please JJ, tell me what woman wouldn't want to be touching this finely sculpted work of art?"
"Derek!" Garcia and JJ berated at the same time.
The woman's eyes met and Garcia laughed, smiling broadly. That smile only widened when she saw JJ's face had brightened, if only for a second.
Morgan gently picked JJ up and carried her outside where there was a cute little make shift picnic waiting. Emily was already there and Garcia scurried out the door leaving the duo in tow.
When she reached the door she breathed in the fresh air and let her skin soak in the sunshine. She needed this, some normality. Sun, grass, sky. She saw it every day. But she had never really seen it like she was seeing it now. She breathed in as deep as her sore chest would allow.
Derek tried his best not to jostle her as he sat them down. Garcia placed her legs on pillows to support them, and then placed a blanket over top of her.
JJ was hesitant to lean back into Derek. It wasn't that she didn't trust him. It was that she didn't want to show more weakness. But considering, how much more weakness could she show?
So slowly she leant back into him.
He could feel that she didn't totally relax, but this was a good start.
Not wanting to verbally remind her again, Penelope put a sandwich on a plate on her lap while the other three started eating.
It took a wee while but she started to pick at the food.
After her initial bite she chewed monotonously until she felt she could swallow, though she still managed to gag involuntarily.
"Jayje?" They asked quickly.
But she managed to compose herself and swallow.
At the same time Garcia managed to bite her tongue before she made any comment that would make JJ feel like a child.
Instead they ignored it as best they could and continued on as normally as possible. Garcia did most of the talking as usual so there was always conversation. Even if it was one-sided. The four of them sat out there quite contently for some time.
JJ was in her own head a large portion of the time but that was okay, because she ate one sandwich. And at this stage, one was better than none.
JJ was beginning to get tired but she wasn't ready just yet to go inside. Though her ability to hold on to the real world was fading as her eyes began to slip shut.
She continued to open them again until it became a futile struggle that she was going to lose.
Her body became less rigid as she relaxed while sleep began to claim her. Derek had felt her demeanour change and adjusted his body accordingly.
He gave his friends a questioning glance and they mouthed the word 'sleeping' back at him. His eyebrows rose up and he smiled.
Shortly after her body relaxed, her head lolled to the side and it landed against Derek's shoulder.
"I think she's really out to it."
"It certainly looks it."
"Shall we head back inside?"
"Yeah I think so. I'll put her in her bed so that she can get a good sleep."
Morgan left the pair outside as he headed inside and down to her room. Her covers were open ready for her to be put back in bed courtesy of a thoughtful Penelope.
As he placed her down he couldn't help but watch the way her eyebrows creased. What was she dreaming about?
Carefully he put her arms in the bed beside her and tucked her in. Yet before he turned to leave the room he changed his mind.
Instead he pulled a chair over to the side of the bed and took out her hand. It was the one that he had hurt when he tortured her.
Morgan held it tenderly within his own for a few minutes before relinquishing it back to her side. Instead of leaving he sat by her though. Watching her as she slept. It seemed it was the only time that she looked like the JJ they all remembered.
Quietly he spoke to her "I'm sorry JJ. I'm so, so sorry. I wish we had gotten there earlier. I wish I could change all the bad even though I know it was out of my control. But most of all Jayje, I wish that I could change my actions today. Those I could control. They were all me, and I screwed up. I'm sorry JJ. It's not worth a lot, I know. But I'm sorry…"
So it has been a long 3 months leave, I know. I'm sorry. Two lots of exams, Uni and scholarship applications – crazy hectic! But this is an I'm sorry/ Merry Christmas.
I wanted to show Derek feeling a bit guilty but doing it sweetly. Let me know what you think, reviews are like Christmas presents! Haha. Regardless Merry Christmas everyone!