Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I have, however, done my best with this chapter.
14
"Hey JJ. Are you ready to go?"
JJ looked up at Derek and rolled her eyes.
"Like I have a choice?"
"Well, you can choose not to go, but that isn't really going to turn out great for you in the long run. Again, your choice."
"I know, I know. Can you just um, first can you just send Emily in?"
"Of course. But if we are going to make the appointment we need to go in like ten minutes."
She raised brow at him tilting her head slightly.
"Alright, alright I'm going. Jees, I don't need the third degree."
Waiting in her room, JJ looked at her arms. She ran her fingers over the scars that were visible, and thought about the ones that were hidden. She had come a long from when she was in the hospital. It didn't feel like she had, but it was the truth.
"Hey Jayje, you okay? Derek said that you wanted to see me."
Patting the free area of the bed next to her, JJ nodded her head. She turned to face Emily and scrunched up her face to try to conceal the emotions that were pent up inside her.
"I… I was just wondering if… you were at the hospital with me and… I mean you..." JJ was fumbling over the words but Emily came to her rescue.
"You want me to come with you today?"
JJ nodded. "Do you think that Garcia would mind?"
"I don't think so. It's whatever makes you comfortable really."
"But you don't think that she'll be hurt? I mean, it's not that I don't trust her because I do, I just…"
"I was there last time and she wasn't. I think that she'll understand. It's Penelope after all. If you ask her to do something for you that will probably make up for it. It'll keep her distracted and she'll feel like she is being useful by helping you. She has the whole, stir-crazy thing going on right now."
"Haha. Maybe I could ask her to decorate my room or something, make it less… hospital like. And considering I tried destroying most things the other night, I don't really have much in here."
"Good point. Just mention that on the way out. I'll tell her you asked me to go with you if you want."
"Yes please."
Derek knocked on the door. "Sorry ladies but-"
"Yes Derek, we can go now."
"Is it cool if…?" he asked, insinuating he wanted to pick her up to take her to the car.
"Yeah it's fine. I just needed to chat with Em."
…
"We're here."
"You ready sweetie?"
JJ nodded and tried to zone out. She could do it. She would be fine. It was going to be fine.
…
Entering the office, Derek wheeled her up to reception.
'This is just another step to getting back to the normal you. It is fine. You are going to be fine.'
"I have an appointment with Dr Wendell at 11."
"Name?"
"Jennifer Jareau."
"Great. I have checked you in, if you just to go and take a se- ah, go and wait over in the seating area you will be called in shortly."
JJ nodded and was wheeled over to the seats and settled facing Emily and Derek.
"Well that wasn't so terrible."
"You're right Jayje. That was good."
Looking around JJ tried to survey the room. She was able to see everyone so they wouldn't be able to sneak up on her. At the same time she noticed the distinct lack of a male presence, and the resulting looks of lust in the eyes of multiple women as they drooled over Morgan. She couldn't help but let out a small giggle.
"What are you laughing at blondie?"
"The multiple women in this room that are near drooling as they stare at you." She replied in a hushed tone.
"Me?" he replied smirking. "Little old me?"
"Ha ha Derek. You are so funny. Please, if we weren't here they would have already pounced on you by now."
He was about to reply with a comeback but was interrupted.
"Jennifer Jareau."
Her breathing became less calm and she waited to try and calm herself before replying.
"That's me."
The nurse came over. "Okay great. I'll just take you in now and you'll be done in no time."
"Wait! I- can Emily come?"
"Certainly."
"Look out there Derek. We need someone to drive us home. Be careful, you're in a room full of cougars."
"Funny stuff Em. I think I can handle myself. I am a ladies man after all."
"Actually, it might be good if he came with us. To help you get on the table."
"Alright, after you ladies."
…
"Miss Jareau-"
"JJ"
"JJ, if I could just get your friend to move you to the examination table."
"All good Jayje?"
"Yep."
After a swift lift, Emily shooed Derek out of the room.
The nurse made quick work of taking her blood pressure and noting it down in her chart.
"Okay JJ. The doctor will be in with you shortly. If I could just get you to take your clothes off from the waist down and put on this gown."
"Okay thanks."
As soon as the nurse left the room Emily was at JJ's side. "Are you okay Jayje?"
"I… I don't know. I just want this over and done with. But I don't want to actually have to do this."
"I know Jayje. This sort of thing isn't exactly comfortable for anyone. I avoid the gynaecologist at all costs. I can only imagine how much worse this is for you right now, but in spite of that, you are here and you are doing it. And I am going to be here the whole time. I mean, as long as you want me to be here."
"Yes. Yes, I definitely want you to stay. Do you think that you could take off the brace for me? And then, um, turn around just while I…"
"Got it. So how is your leg feeling?"
"It's okay. Stiff, definitely stiff. It is really nice when it is off. But it does ache more without the support. I can't wait to get to PT. Then I'll feel like I am doing something useful."
"JJ…"
"I know, I know. Don't go there. Thanks for the help and please turn around now."
"So is your doctor a female?"
"Yeah, she is really nice. She talks a lot and so she always manages to keep my mind off the reason that I am here."
"Aw, that's good."
"Safe. You can turn around now."
"Remember that you are in control this whole time right? If you need a break then she will need to understand that."
"I know. And she will, like I said, she is really good."
…
"Knock, knock, can I come in?"
"Yes. We're fine."
"JJ. It has been a little while since I last saw you."
"No offence Doc, but I try and avoid this place as much as possible."
"None taken. Most women do."
JJ caught the doctor looking at the wheelchair.
"I… so I…"
"It's okay JJ. I read the updates in your file. There is no need to explain why you are here. I will try to keep the questions surrounding that to a minimum and make this as quick and painless as possible." She told JJ with a soft smile.
Letting out a shaky breath, JJ felt her body starting to tremble. She thought that she had it under control until she noticed Emily and the doctor staring at her.
"Are you okay Jennifer? Do you need some more time?"
"I… no. I just want to get out of here."
"Fair enough. I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself to your friend. Hi, I'm Doctor Wendell."
"Emily."
"So JJ, is Emily going to be staying with you, or should she leave the room now?"
Furrowing her brows, she replied quickly "She's staying. That's okay right?"
"Of course. As long as that is what you want."
"It is."
"Okay that's fine. Just try and relax while I get the stuff."
Emily worked through JJ's breathing with her, trying to keep her calm and grounded. But she still flinched as the doctor worked away. It was a nervous reaction to the situation. JJ was tense and Emily could feel it.
"Jennifer, when I said that I hadn't seen you in a while, I did mean it. You are almost due for your-"
"I know."
"I can tell that it has taken a lot for you to come here today. Would you prefer if I did it today? Otherwise I would expect to see you back in here in about 6 months."
"Yes please. Just do it now."
"Okay, I thought that might be the case so I brought one in with me. Are you ready JJ?"
"I think as ready as I will be."
"Okay. Remember if at any-"
"Stage I feel uncomfortable and want you to stop because I need a break I just have to tell you. I know, I know."
"Alright then. If I could just get you to shuffle forward and place your feet in the stirrups. Is that going to be okay? I read-"
"It'll be fine. I am going to physiotherapy tomorrow so I should be standing on them then."
"Okay then. You know how this goes, just take the time you need to relax your legs."
JJ lay there for a moment before allowing herself to relax.
"Okay JJ. I am just going to lift the covering. You will feel me touching you, but it will only be externally."
"Okay."
JJ took a deep breath at looked at Emily, trying to keep her mind elsewhere.
"So what do you think Penelope will have done to my room by the time we get back?"
"I think that there will be so much colour and lots and lots of cute things. Like pictures of cats and probably soft toys. You gave her free reign; that is never a good idea."
"True. But you saw the look on her face, she was so excited. And when I asked if we could do pumpkin soup for tea? I thought that she was going to pass out."
"So did I. She hasn't been this excited in ages. It's so nice to see."
"Yeah, it definitely is."
"Sorry to interrupt, but a couple of questions. Have you had your period since the attack?"
"I had it twice. But I ah, only used pads."
"Okay. Any discomfort? Well, more than usual?"
"It felt like the cramps lasted a bit longer. And they were more intense. But I just figured that would be normal."
"Okay. And how about in general? I read that they put in dissolvable stitches, however I am just wondering about your comfort levels since it happened."
"It was really painful at first. Like, I hated moving and tried to stay in the same position for the first week or two. I mean I have times where I am uncomfortable, but it is nothing compared to what it was."
"Right. Now, I'm just letting you know that I'm now going to insert the speculum."
"Okay."
Emily was straight back to the distracting. "So what do you think about-"
But Emily didn't get to finish as JJ gasped and shook her head.
"NO. No, no, no. Stop. Stop now."
The doctor carefully removed the object and covered the women, before standing and removing her gloves.
"It's okay JJ. It is okay."
But she couldn't be heard or seen because the young woman had begun fretfully crying, and was covering her face with her arms.
The doctor came up beside her and gently touched her arm. "Jennifer? Jennifer can you please look at me?"
After a moment the blonde was able to look at her doctor. "I am not going to continue until you tell me that it's okay. But I need to emphasise at this point how important it is that we get this done today. I can go and come back when you are ready, but I urge you to let me finish this today. But at the end of the day it is up to you."
JJ nodded. "Just… can you come back in five minutes?"
"Sure. I'll see you soon."
JJ sat up and continued sobbing into her hands. Emily moved to stand beside her.
"Hey. Hey now. It's going to be okay."
"I'm sorry. I just… I freaked out."
"That's alright JJ. Can I… can I ask what part has got you so worried?"
She nodded.
"Is it the physical part, or the emotions that are tied to it?"
JJ contemplated for a second. "I think… I think that it's a bit of both. I, I haven't you know… nothing has… I mean, I have only used pads when I had my period. And so I am just worried about what it's going to bring back with it."
"I know that there isn't a lot that I can do or say that will help you right now. But when it feels like it's too much, just look at me. I will hold your hand if you need me too. I wasn't there when it happened to you JJ, so use me as a focusing point to stay in the present."
A quiet knock on the door interrupted the duo.
"May I come back in?"
"Yes."
"You seem a bit calmer now JJ. Are you ready to continue?"
"Yep. I think so."
The doctor retook her seat and JJ got back in position.
"I can see that this is difficult, but last time you weren't as relaxed as I believe that you could be. I know it feels counterintuitive. You are effectively being probed so you want your body to do its thing and try and stop it. But in the long run it is only going to make this process more uncomfortable for you and much more difficult. So I am just going to sit her ready, and you tell me when you are as relaxed as you think you are possibly going to get."
JJ took a few minutes before acknowledging that she was ready – for the second time that day.
"Alright, again, I am going to insert this as gently as possible. Would you like me to tell you everything just before I do it?"
"I… ah… yes please."
"You got it. I am just going to start slowly now."
JJ had a momentary shudder but stayed composed, holding Emily's hand in a death grip.
…
"Okay JJ. Just having a look now, due to the scarring I would like you to come back in three to six months. I know that this is not ideal, but the notes in your file did not give explicit details. There is more healing that has needed to happen than I had expected to see. I think that it is definitely necessary for you to come back in six months at the latest so that I can have another look."
"I… I… but…"
"I know that you weren't prepared to hear this JJ. I wasn't expecting it either. But it is important."
JJ was nearing the end of her tether. There was a limit to what she could handle in one day. And she was getting close to the end. Her arms were shaking and her breathing was erratic, despite Emily trying to keep her calm.
"In this case, I am wondering if you would like to defer the smear until your next visit. As long as you guarantee that you will come in. You are very tense again and I think a bit of space before coming back might be best."
JJ frantically nodded her head with her eyes. "Yes, yes. Fine."
"Okay. I just need to take a few swabs and then we are done."
JJ kept nodding, trying to still the flow of tears coming from her eyes.
Emily's hand was being squeezed very tightly; she could feel the anxiety JJ was experiencing. Taking her weaker hand, she slowly wiped away stray tears and brushed back JJ's hair.
"You are doing great. You are doing really great. It's almost done. It's almost over, and then we get to go home. Okay JJ? It is almost over."
"I have finished Jennifer, but I need you to try and relax again whilst I remove the speculum. It will hurt less if you aren't contracting from shaking. Tell me when you are ready."
JJ nodded.
"Okay JJ. Work with me here. In and out, just breathe in and out slowly and calmly and deeply. That's it."
After another deep breath JJ responded "I'm ready."
As it was withdrawn JJ let out a small yelp and Emily compartmentalised the pain she witnessed that her friend was experiencing in fear that she would start to cry herself.
The doctor gently recovered her and lowered her legs, before saying her goodbyes and leaving the room.
When the door creaked shut, the teardrops began to flow freely. JJ didn't care anymore. She was tired, sore, emotionally and physically scarred and wanted the nightmare to be over.
Emily pulled her in close, rubbing her back and continued to remind her that it was over for today. She had made it. That was what mattered.
It was difficult, but she had made it.
Hello. I am very sorry for the lack of updates across all stories. The follows/favs/reviews have been amazing. And the reviews are so kind. I love getting them. Especially when you need a pick-me-up. I have been very absent lately. As usual, reality gets in the way. I can only say that I am sorry as there is so much going on right now, but I feel like out of all of my stories, there is a connection to this one that is driving me to get it done. But at the same time I want to do it justice and I want to tell a story that is hopefully worthy of the following that it has gotten over the past few months. I don't just want to finish it to get it done. I want to write every chapter so that the emotions are captured correctly, and bear witness to the effects that a traumatic experience can have. I hope I have done this with this chapter. Please, if you have time let me know, as I am nervous about posting it. Thanks again.