A/N: There is a very brief mention of self-harm in this chapter. Nothing serious, really, but be warned.

Fifteen:

Cedric had been thinking alot lately. This was nothing new, of course, ever since he'd pledged to become more studious, thinking had become an integral part of his schedule. Even before that, Cedric has always been a very contemplative individual, even if he hadn't been spending his time contemplating anything useful.

But, right now, as he stared intensely at the dark curtains surrounding his four poster, Cedric was thinking about something important.

Naturally, he was thinking about Harry. More specifically, how to prove to Harry that he was genuinely sorry for the out come of their previous Quidditch match.

Apologies and forgiveness were both rather foreign subjects to Cedric. He'd never really had to apologize to someone outside of his family (and it's not like they counted anyway) about anything important, nor had he ever received one.

He thought back to when his parents had grovelled for his forgiveness after he'd found out they had been going through his mail without his permission. He immediately had to stop those thoughts, however when he felt a familiar bubble of elation rise from the base of his stomach when recalling their pathetic, pleading faces. Now was not the time for happy thoughts like that, he was supposed to be punishing himself.

Back on the subject of his apology, he thought that he ought to do something relevant to the situation at hand. He didn't think it would be very sincere to just buy Potter a cake or something equally frivolous and just write an apology note. He needed to prove that things would change moving forwards, after all. But he wasn't sure how to prove that for a dementor attack, of all things.

He rolled over, coming face-to-face with the hilt of his wand that was sticking out from underneath his pillow.

Maybe he could learn the Patronus Charm?
He sat up as this idea occurred to him, mind rushing with the possibilities. If he mastered something as complicated as a Corporeal Patronus he would be the talk of the whole school, and surely, it would look very good on his Defense O. . Not to mention if he got to use it to protect Harry surely Harry would-

He heaved a tepid breathe as some unnamed emotion overcame him, covering his mouth with the palm of his hand.

He could be Harry's hero.

His voice cracked into a slight whine as he released another heavy breathe, muffling his voice with his hand.

He pushed aside the curtains and hopped off the bed, teetering a bit dizzily in his excitement.

It took him a slight bit longer than usual to get to the library from the Hufflepuff Common room than it normally would've, as he managed to wander down the wrong corridor on three separate occasions in his eagerness to create the perfect apology. However, he did eventually get there and luckily for him it was still practically empty, no doubt due to the fact that many people were still asleep after all the excitement from the Quidditch match the day previous.

He shuddered at the thought, the image of Harry's luminous green eyes drawing to a close as he fell from hundreds of feet from above ground flashing through his mind.

He looked down, feeling a sharp pain radiating from his right palm. With a hiss he unfurled his fist, realizing his nails had bitten through his skin. He considered healing it, but decided against it; it was only fair really, Harry had certainly gone through worse pain due to Cedric's inability to save him from his fall.

Tearing himself away from the downwards spiral that was his thoughts, he approached one of the index books that were sitting on the podiums that were interspersed throughout the library in attempt to find some good reference material on casting the Patronus Charm.

It took quite a bit longer than he expected to find some in-depth works on the subject, as it turns out, many of the books pertaining to defense against dark creatures had already been checked out. Probably thanks to the fact that the main purpose of said-charm was residing on their campus.

He did eventually manage to unearth a rather esoteric series by a man named David Farion about defense against dark creatures.

It had taken him about three days to translate the scholarly gibberish into something even remotely decipherable enough for him to finally attempt the charm. He found the nature of the spell to be quite interesting, once he finally figured out what the Hell Farion was talking about. Despite the fact that the Patronus was intended to defend against dark creatures the spell itself was emotion-based, which technically made it dark in nature, no matter that the emotions had to be 'pure' or whatever.

That was something that had given him pause during his research. Purity, that is. He didn't really understand how a positive emotion could be impure. Although, he supposed even evil people could be happy sometimes too, so maybe their happiness was impure? But, surely even evil people were capable of some sort of purity... Or not? He found it all very vague and confusing.

There wasn't really any sort of place in the castle that mirrored the conditions one would expect when facing a dementor (and thank Merlin for that), but the cold, dank and gloomy abandoned classrooms in the dungeons were about as close as he could get without actually flagging down one of the Azkaban guards himself.

His first few attempts had been unsuccessful, but Farion had said that it was likely to take awhile. However, after hours of trying and not even yielding the tiniest spark he began to get a bit disheartened. After four days in a row of practice he was just plain angry.

He stood, chest heaving and throat sore for the fourth night in a row of screaming 'Expecto Patronum' at the top of his lungs with no result. He couldn't for the life of him figure out what he was doing wrong!

He was following the book's instructions to a T and yet abso-fucking-lutely nothing was happening!

He stomped his feet and screeched, not caring if he looked like a petulant child. It's not like there was anyone there to see him an-

"Mr. Diggory? Are you quite alright?"

He looked up to see Professor Lupin leaning against the open doorway inspecting him with tired, but sharp eyes.

"Pr- Professor Lupin!" he exclaimed, feeling the tell-tale heat of embarrassment crawling up his face at the thought that someone had bore witness to his childish display. "I had thought you were on sick leave!" Which had been a pain-in-the-ass Cedric added mentally, Snape may have been a competent enough teacher, but that didn't mean he wasn't a complete wanker as well.

"I was." amended the man, stepping further into the dusty classroom. "I'll be back to work tomorrow morning, however."

Cedric was tempted to tell the bloke he should consider against it, the man looked dead on his feet, but, the prospect of having another DADA class with Snape kept him mum.

Lupin continued. "But, I was heading down here to return this goblet to Severus and I couldn't help but overhear your... er..."
"Yeah..." Cedric was fairly certain his face would catch aflame at any moment. "Sorry about that."

"Nothing to apologize for." smiled Lupin patiently. "We all have our moments. But, if I may ask, what was the source of your frustration? You're usually so calm in class."

Cedric sighed and kneeled down, picking up his wand that he'd apparently dropped at one point or another. Closing his eyes, he focused, trying to envision his memory of choice with as much clarity as possible. When he finally intoned "Expecto Patronum" not even a wisp of mist escaped his wand. Nothing new there.

He turned to look back at his Professor who was watching him curiously.

"I've been at this for hours at end for four days in a row and yet, I've not managed a thing. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm following the book's instructions perfectly."

The man cocked his head, frowning thoughtfully as he stepped a bit closer. "Such is the nature of books on occasion." he said cryptically. "Authors can be as finicky as wands can't they? Perhaps your instructions were just ill-suited for you personally, hmm?"

Cedric wasn't sure how to respond to that, but he got the feeling Lupin was going to provide some sort of solution, so he waited silently.

"What memory are you using, then?" questioned his Professor offhandedly as he walked towards the stack of books Cedric had been using, inspecting the titles thoughtfully.

"Well the book said-" he paused when Lupin cut him off with an unimpressed, "Mmn." but continued when he said nothing else.

"It said that I should use, er, pure memories pertaining to my family." another, slightly sharper "Mmn."

"...and that memories from my early years work best."

"I see." intoned the man disdainfully. "Well, I can certainly see where the issue lies. I imagine memories pertaining to you family are most probably not as happy as Mr.-" he flipped one of the books over, inspecting the spine. "Farion would presume, hmm?"

Oh, so Lupin was still under the impression that Cedric parents abused him? Just as well, he was probably at least partially right about how Cedric perceived memories relating to his family.

"Yeah."

The man nodded, dropping the book rather unceremoniously back onto the table, his disgust with it quite apparent.

"No, Mr. Diggory, you need something more substantial than lukewarm memories of you and your parents. You said earlier you should use 'pure' memories. What do you think that pure means in this context?"

"Er... innocent, maybe?"

"Not quite, but I can see where you would get that idea." A scathing glare was directed towards David Farion's collected works. "No, rather it is about the purity of the emotion of itself. It must be untainted by other negative feelings. For example a common memory that people use when first attempting the Patronus is their first time flying. However, what they don't take into account is all the other emotions they feel aside from happiness during that time, such as nervousness or fear."

He shook his head, his eyes a bit distant, looking faintly amused. "No, those memories filled with the sharp adrenaline packed sort of happiness are lovely, but pale in comparison to moments spent in the presence of those truly important to you." He looked back at Cedric, eyes warm with something Cedric knew had nothing to do with himself.

"Do you understand, Mr. Diggory?"

"Yes, sir. I think so." He wasn't certain if he was lying or not.

Lupin decided for him. "No, you don't quite yet. It is a very complex feeling that many do not encounter until adulthood if at all. But, I have faith you will. Take a break from the casting itself you've got the technical aspects down perfectly. Instead I'd like you to think a bit more on what truly matters to you. Can you do that for me? There's a lad."

There was a strangely mischievous grin on Lupin's face that Cedric found suited him far more than he would've expected. The man grabbed the stack of books, balancing the goblet atop them before heading towards the door, ignoring Cedric's inquiring gaze.

"If Irma asks about these direct her towards me."

"Er, okay sir."

Cedric concluded that evening that it may take a bit longer than he had originally anticipated to learn the Patronus Charm as it apparently required some soul-searching that he was not certain he was ready for.

With that thought in mind, he approached Jona the next evening in hopes that the other boy would be willing to help Cedric come up with another way to prove to Harry that we was genuinely apologetic for the outcome of the Quidditch Match.

That was not to say that he was giving up on learning the Patronus Charm, however, but Cedric only had so much time to apologize before it came across as insincere.

Jona was surprisingly helpful.

"Well, if you don't want to send him a note or something, why don't you stay over winter break and tell him then? I heard he never goes home for the Hols and you'll be sure to see him at Christmas Breakfast at the very least. Maybe you could get him something as an... apology gift or whatever you wanna call it."

After that conversation, Cedric immediately sent his parents a missive, begging to be allowed to stay at Hogwarts over Yule break to focus on studying for his upcoming O. .

When his parents replied with a long, meandering note that was basically one big, drawn out 'no', he tore the thing to shreds and decided he just wouldn't get on the Hogwarts Express that December and there was nothing his parents could do about it.

He then spent his next Hogsmeade visit dragging an exasperated Jona up and down the village, looking for the perfect 'apology gift'. Which ended up being a gift certificate to Quality Quidditch Supplies. He'd been tempted to get something a bit more personal, but knew logically that it would probably come across as a bit strange that he knew so much about Harry's personal life without ever having technically met him.

He also picked up a pair of cufflinks and a matching necklace for his mother and father, hoping that a nice enough Christmas present might soften the blow when they inevitably lose their minds over him not boarding the train home.

The rest of November went by agonizingly slowly, but the break eventually came and Cedric found himself standing beside Jona as the other boy waved to his brother on the Hogwarts Express, the Train rapidly picking up speed as it exited the platform, leaving them behind.

"I'm surprised you decided to stay as well." commented Cedric as they trudged their way back up to the castle, their feet catching a bit with each step through the slushy snow.

It took a moment for Jona to formulate a reply, the shorter boy craning his neck to look up at the grey sky above them. "It's been a rough year for you, Ced'. I didn't want you to have to spend the last of it alone, y'know?"

Cedric supposed it was rather silly to be surprised. That was the obvious answer, but he still found himself shocked.

"Thank you!" he exclaimed, hoping Jona understood how touched he was at this revelation. "You're a great friend, Jona."

He didn't receive a reply to that.

Cedric had presumed that once his parents realized he was not, in fact, returning home with or without their permission, they would most likely send a whiney letter (perhaps a howler) expressing their disappointment. What he did not expect was for them to show up at his school.

But, they did.

Which is why he was currently standing in the middle of the teacher's lounge surrounded by his professors who were staring at him in disapproval as well as two very angry Diggorys.

His father had huffed and puffed, no doubt releasing some of the hot air that he kept in the space between his ears where his brain was intended to go. Cedric paid him little mind used to his father's pointless tirades. Instead, he waited for his mother to speak after his Dad's lengthy, repetitive rant about how Christmas was a time for family or some other bull finally drew to a close.

His mother (that fucking snake bitch) seemed to be able to tell that while there was no convincing Cedric, his professors were another story entirely.

"Oh Cedric," she had wailed teary-eyed (Cedric wondered briefly if there was some sort of spell that she was using to get that effect) hands clutched over the pearls laced around her neck. "Please just come home! Your grandparents will be joining us this Holiday and were so excited to see you! Surely you don't want to disappoint them? After all, your grandfather Eldritch probably is so up in the years, I can't imagine there will be much more time for you to spend with him."

Merlin, the woman was laying it on thick.

"I need to focus on my studies, Mum. I don't have time for... festivities. I've been very busy with the added stress of being both a Quidditch Captain and a Prefect. I've had so little time to prepare fo my O. , I need to use the time this break provides wisely." As soon as the words came out of his mouth he regretted it, catching the calculative glint in his mother's eyes at the word 'stress'.

"Oh, I just knew it!" she exclaimed, dramatically throwing her hands up. "It's all this stress, addling your mind!" she turned to address the present staff members with an imploring expression. "While my Cedric is very capable, you all must see that this is too much for him? He needs a proper break! Stress can kill if left unchecked, did you know? Please, just let us take him home, he needs time to relax."

He snarled, opening his mouth to say something he would probably regret uttering in front of all of his teachers, but Sprout beat him to the punch, thankfully.

"Perhaps they're right, Mr. Diggory." she glanced about at her colleagues who were nodding along. "Your grades have been perfect throughout this past year, I doubt you've anything to worry about. Why not just enjoy your break, hum?"

Cedric felt his shoulders sag as he realized all of his plans were souring right before his eyes all because of his stupid, useless, fucking-

"Pomona." While it had been professor Sprout's name that Lupin called out, his brown eyes were firmly trained on Cedric's face, countenance stony. "If I could speak to you in private for a moment?"

When they disappeared through the door to the hall suddenly discerned exactly what it was Lupin wanted to talk about.

He couldn't help but send his Mum a triumphant little smirk and had to bite his tongue to stop himself from cackling at her confused expression.

When they returned both of his professors faces were cold and unforgiving when their eyes landed on his parents.

"He'll be staying." intoned Sprout in a voice Cedric had never heard from the perpetually jolly herbology professor.

His father immediately began to bellow at the outrage of it all, glaring at the woman with a betrayed expression. His mother, however had always been the only one with any sort of sense out of the two. Her silver eyes darted rapidly between Cedric and Lupin, realization dawning on her pretty features. A painfully defeated look crossed her face as she closed her eyes.

Cedric would hardly draw his eyes away from the wonderful, pathetic sight his mother made. He wished he had a camera so he could look back on this moment with as much clarity as possible. He was so enraptured that he did not notice the two dark eyes from across the room, taking his hidden glee in consideringly.

His parents were eventually ordered off the campus and Cedric returned to the Hufflepuff Common room with a skip in his step.

This was gonna be a good Christmas.

A/N: How was it?