AN: DaftMerc39, thomaskwilson11 today's cyber cookies are yours!
DaftMerc39 - Lucia is the North American Devil by the same name and the mother of the titular character of Satina. Check that online series out if you haven't already!
thomaskwilson11 - Yeah, that was the TFS DBZ:A Freeza line! God I miss them. The world is so much...colder.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Spoiling For A Fight
Two weeks. He'd played the role of ranchhand for two whole fucking weeks. It was getting on his fucking nerves. He almost snapped at the father today when the bristly mustache jackass tried to correct him on how to brush a horse. That brat that ran around was going to have an accident if he tried to grab his tail again.
Calm the fuck down. He's dealt with worse. There were still two more weeks before the Harvest Moon Festival. He could manage another two weeks.
But someone might be dead before then, Striker thought with a snarl as he slammed a bale of hay down in the barn. A shrill ringing had him flinch before something grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the barn.
"That's the dinner bell, we best hurry 'fore we miss out on the first bites!"
Striker growled at the child that was pulling him, but resisted the urge to react violently. He'd have time to get this little accident-in-the-making in line. He walked at a more leisurely pace once he wrenched his arm free and waited for the horde of hungry Hellborn Imps to get their first plates and gather...in the living room? Whatever, he'll grab his grub and eat on the porch. Quieter out there.
"Oh! Mister Striker!" Oh, fuck his life. Striker gave a half-glare over his shoulder to the transvestite, Suzy March or something. He plastered his best employee smile on his face and turned to her.
"Miss..."
"C'mon and join us, the annual Elysium Fights are starting! Pa saved you a seat on the couch."
Elysium Fights? Heh, when's the last time he sat down and watched those? Well, there's no harm in distracting himself from all the fucking, disgusting sheep that were around him.
"Well, how could I refuse such a generous offer?"
"Ya can't!" Shit, this bitch just could not read a fucking room, let alone a person's interest or lack there of, to save her life. It might be necessary one day.
Striker pushed that thought out of his mind and followed the transvestite into the sitting room and claimed the seat beside his 'boss', Joe. The massive Imp was scarfing his food down, eyes glued to the large box-set television that the boys were clamoring in front of.
"What's the level?" Striker asked and put some of the plate into his mouth. Hot damn, these idiots might not know anything about the fucking world, but they sure fucking know how to make good food.
"Hn, one-fifteen."
"Already? I thought they saved the top three hundreds for highlights." Striker frowned as he watched the corridor fight on the screen. A bat-winged, Half-bred Hellborn - likely a Sex-Fiend of some kind; those were the most common sort of halvas - was swinging a pyrite whip at an orange Hellhound that had burns on his chest and shoulders. Strange, Striker could swear he'd seen that hound somewhere befo—damn, the Hound has balls. Caught the blazing tip of the whip in his hand and didn't even flinch.
"Yeah! Ground that flyby cunt, ya sonovabit-Ow!"
"You watch your fuckin' mouth during dinner, Gregory." The matriarch said after she stabbed her son in the arm. Lin wiped the knife on her shirt - good discipline, Striker noted with a careful eye; she was skilled with knives - and then used it to meticulously cut into the patty on her plate. She smiled around a bite. "Y'know, I'd thought all Gluttons were just party freaks, but this 'un's a different breed."
"Pretty sure he's got some Wrath in 'im." Joe grumbled. He pointed his knife at the screen as the Glutton-born Hellhound tore the wing off of the halva with a round-the-world swing. "That? Gluttons don't do that."
Striker quietly agreed. This Hound was something else, but damn he looked familiar. He stuffed some pork into his mouth and narrowed his eyes, where has he seen-?
"And Tsiphione's torturous tyranny over the lower levels of Elysium is toppled!" The announcer - was that Tom Trench? Huh, studio must be going all out this time - exclaimed as a camera zoomed in on the brutal hangman's knot the Hellhound trapped his opponent in. And he's just leaving the body there to move on? Damn, that's cold. The gates lowered and the Hound walked through the next corridor, rolling his burnt shoulder. Smart dog, keep it loose before it heals and it won't stiffen in the next fight. "The Duke of Gluttony advances to the next stage!"
Striker almost bit through his fork.
A Duke?
A Duke was in The Pit?
That was...So tempting.
So tempting.
Too tempting.
Striker smirked and pulled his phone out. He fired a message off to his client. Maybe with a bounty on his head, the royal would think twice before coming down to mingle with lowly commoners.
"Who's Birdbitch?" the little accident-to-be asked, startling the assassin into jostling his phone.
"Fu–It ain't polite to snoop over people's shoulders, kid." Striker sneered.
"Yancy, buzz off!"
"Make me, Sallie Mae!"
"Challenge accepted, shit-fer-brains!"
"...Maybe." A white feathered royal slid her phone to her brother. "Thoughts on this?"
"Well...It could be profitable if we play it right. A wager for his advancement while he has an open bounty?" The other Goetia dabbed his beak with a napkin. "If he dies, then it's no real loss on our end; we aren't obligated to pay bounties to Pit Performers. If he lives then we walk off with a pretty penny. A penny we could use against-"
"That cheating, Imp-fucking sonovabitch!" The white Goetia bird cackled. Her brother rolled his eyes.
"I was going to say 'your husband,' but that works too, I suppose." He glanced at a ponytailed imp carrying a package past. "Three o'clock. Servant with a delivery bypassing."
"You there! Imp servant!" The matron called to the diminutive creature. He stopped, ran back to her, and raised the package above his head to bow. Impressive. She pushed the praise from her mind and sneered. "Where the fuck are you going with that?"
"For Princess Octavia, Princess." He offered the box. "An order she's been expecting."
"Another taxidermy kit?" She frowned as she read the sender address. She had to get that girl off of that uncouth fascination soon. "Very well. As you were."
"Thank you, Princess Stella. Good day to you. Lord Marquis." The Imp bowed to her and her brother. They watched him run off with his massive package.
"Taxidermy, still?"
"I'm pretty sure it's from her father's side."
"All the more reason to get him away from her."
It had been thirteen days and she was going to lose her mind. Thirteen days since she last smelled Violet and Coconut. Thirteen days since she last experienced the euphoria of a Boop. Thirteen days since she heard some cheesy ass line that made her ears burn and tail wag.
Seven-fucking-teen to go. Loona sighed. As was the case whenever she was at work while the others were on a job, she sat at her desk, drank a Vanilla Latte and scrolled through her feed on Voxtagram - the Sins needed to reclaim this stupid app already; she was sick of watching the dumb hypnotic adverts that didn't even affect her - for the posts of the few influencers she deemed worthwhile. Among those was Bee-Lzebub, who had taken over her boyfriend's account and phone for the duration of his 'punishment' - a fact she didn't find out until day five, when she had a really shitty day and Blitzø had been more obnoxious than usual and she just wanted to fucking have a smoke while she talked to her idiot about it; at least Bee was willing to lend an ear, even if Loona was pretty sure she didn't pay attention - and was using said time to post some interesting photos Naruto had secreted away.
Seeing a smaller version of him – she couldn't believe that it was possible for him to look so fucking adorable and wanted to see more – using a blanket as a cape with what looked like a polka-dotted bra over his ears was not something she expected to see today, nor could she ever unsee it.
She wouldn't mind any more posts like that. Neither did the four million that saved it. Or the eighteen million of the solid billion that followed Bee.
A familiar pulse came from the Grimoire and Loona groaned. She set her latte down and grabbed the book. Without looking from her phone, she flipped it open to the bookmarked transportation spell and put one claw on it. Magic channeled through her into the book and she huffed a single word.
"Open."
A blue-white portal swirled open and the Three Stupids slid in on the headless body of a – sniff, sniff – yelck, Mountain Dew, Cheetos and years of under-washed skin, followed by a mountain of snow.
"Why did you bring the fucking body of an Incel back to the office?" Loona groaned as she cut the spell. She tried to mask the smell with her latte; it didn't work all that well. Ugh, this was going to be another day she wanted a Boop, wasn't it? Satan fucking dammit.
"Client request!" Blitzø grinned as he hopped off the body and the chucklefucks dragged it outside. "They want to torture their tormentor by burying his soul in a box with his body. Something about appeasing the Dark Ones or some shit...I guess you're not that imaginative when you self-delete via bullet to the brain, go figure. What's next on our to-do list, Loony?"
"Mm." Loona rolled her eyes and switched apps to her notes. "There's a request to off an African Warlord...in Jamaica?"
"Ooh, Island getaway? Sounds fun-"
"Oh, and the bird guy called." Loona grabbed a notebook that she absently tossed to him. She heard a thud and smirked. "Left you that message, word for word."
"Oh goddammit, Stolas. You want to see me as soon as possible?! Ugggghh. So much for the beach day." Blitzø scowled as he read through it. He grew more horrified. "Loona, did you listen to him say all of this?!"
"And now you know why I bragged about Naruto's cock." Loona drawled as she went back to Voxtagram. The second she did, a ping went off followed by a text bubble that popped up.
(Step away from the windows, Pretty Pup!)
"..Wh–?"
An explosion shook the building. Loona arched a brow as Millie and Fatty ran in, shrieking about damage to the client's body or something. They shut up when a golden seal appeared in the middle of the floor. She felt her tail wag and started to smile...and then it turned out to be Bee-Lzebub. Her tail stopped wagging, wrapped around her legs and her ears went flat. Her eyes darted to the hacking Blitzø that was quite literally within Beelzebub's reach.
Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. SHIT. FUCK!
"Pretty Pup!" The Daemonic Prince of Gluttony threw her arms up as she grinned. "I've come to take you out–!"
A gunshot deafened the two canid Hellborn for all of two seconds. There was a hole in the floor between them. Both whirled at the source with a snarl.
"Listen here, bomb-bitch–" Oh, please no. He didn't. He didn't! ...He did. Blitzø pulled the hammer down on his flintlock and aimed it at Bee. "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but if you're coming after my Loony-Toony, you'll have to go through me first!"
Well, fuck. Now Loona had to start looking for new places to live and work. Why? Oh, because Blitzø was dead. There was nothing she could do. He was so dead. He just shot a fucking bullet at Bee-Lzebub! ...What was with his obsession with shooting at the House of Lzebub?
"...I genuinely cannot tell if he's being serious or not." Bee looked at her and Loona wanted to die. This was worse than the first meeting with Naruto. The Sin of Gluttony crossed her lower arms and pointed at Blitzø with the upper pair. "Is he serious?"
"Hey, bitch tits, why not just ask–?" CHOMP "Me...Where did my guns go?" Blitzø asked, looking at his now empty hands.
"Meh, c-tier materials. Cheap make. Definitely Greed in origin." Bee muttered as she used a toothpick to clean her teeth. Loona whimpered and yelped as Bee engulfed her in a hug. This was...interesting – Tight! It's tight! That's a tight hug! Ooh, it's almost worse than parasite Blitzø! – mostly because Bee's 'scent' was more Honey and Sugar. And now her face was against Loona's; being the bisexual disaster she was, she froze up as her boyfriend's hot sister pressed against her. "Oh, don't cry, Pretty Pup! Baby Bro won't forgive me if you cry!"
"Who the fuck–Mils, Mox, the fuck are you doing!? Get some weapons!"
"...Uh, s-sir? That's-That's Qu-Queen Bee-Lzebub." Fatty found balls, good on him! If only could've done so five fucking minutes ago!
"What? No, isn't she like a fly or something?" Blitzø frowned. He pulled his phone out and tapped on the screen a few times before he blanched. "Oh...fuck me in a prolapsed anus, I just shot at a Sin."
"Mm-hm, that you did, Imp Boy. With cheap shit, too–Wait a fucking second." Bee's eyes blazed bright red and she stepped away from Loona. "I know you...You're that Blitzo Imp."
"Uh-well, the O is silent, now–"
"You tried to blow up my Baby Bro."
"...Oh, fuck..."
Blitzø started to back away as Bee took a step towards him. She started to grow and her pan-palette turned a vibrant crimson. Eventually she was three times her original size, hunched over and glaring at Blitzø with red eyes that looked like Naruto's blue, while a single Lucifer's Eye sprouted from her forehead, surrounded by two smaller ones. One of her hands took hold of Blitzø and squeezed around him.
"I am going to glaze your flesh in honey, squeeze the jelly from your eyes and use your pitiful horns as a fucking ale shot glass!"
"Gah–uck–!"
"B-Bee? Bee! Wait, no!" Loona grabbed one of the fingers of the Sin's lower arms. Bee whirled around to glare at her and fuck that wasn't even hot, it was just horrifying. She couldn't feel the power of the Sin like she could Naruto. Maybe it was a matter of control – focus, Loona! Stop patricide from occurring! "Please! Please don't kill my dad!"
"Are you fucking serious?"
"He's annoying and loud and stupid as a fucking rock and bothers me way more than he should...but he's the first one that cared." Loona sighed. She looked at Blitzø – eyes bulging, throat constricted, tongue flailing from his open maw – and then back at the Sin. "For all the fucking faults he has, at the end of the day, he's still my Dad. Please, don't kill him."
"...Fuck!" Queen Bee-Lzebub growled and slammed Blitzø down before she shrank and pulled Loona into a hug. "Man and getting shot at really helped me sell it! But shit, that was too fuckin' cute! Tex, did you get all that?!"
...No...
That was not just witnessed by one of the hottest Hellhounds Loona had ever seen. Ugh, she wanted to die.
"On camera? No, your ass kind of blocked the shot." The Hellhound in question drawled as he walked out of the room that had been exploded before Bee teleported in. "Got the audio though. Very heartfelt. Not that the lazy shit will care."
"He'll like it; it's a great prank! Shit, that turned out better than expected. I mean, eating the Imp fuck that tried to kill him that one time and then shot at me would've been fun, too, but he put his foot down on that one." Bee mused as she walked herself and Loona closer to the large Hound. That was just a bit shorter than Bee. Huh. Sins, go figure. Tex nodded at her and she nodded back as he held a phone up–
That was Naruto's phone.
Loona's eyes zeroed on it. It had more secret pictures, she was sure of it. A 'gram account that should stay active in his absence. It had a hint of his Violet and Coconut scent.
...She needed it...
In what she would later describe as her most shameful moment, Loona lunged for it; she broke out of Bee's grasp and snatched the device from Vortex, before she retreated to her desk. She pressed the orange-cased Hellphone to her nose and inhaled.
Violet-Coconut...Naruto...She smiled and her tail wagged and what the actual fuck was she doing?! She froze and slowly turned her now wide eyes to the other occupants of the room. Blitzø...was still flat on the ground – Small mercies – and the married idiots were gaping at her. Tex's brows were both up and Bee...Oh, no. That smile looked familiar, she saw it a lot when they rode around checking Orphanages. Bee grabbed onto Tex and squealed, the damned smile still in place.
"Didn't I tell you, babe? Didn't I!?" Don't. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it! If she doesn't say it, Loona won't lose any cred! "She's so. Fuckin'. Cute!"
Her tail curled around her and her boyfriend's phone cradled in her arms, Loona did the only thing she could think of in this situation.
She whined.
A bloodied and burnt Naruto froze where he was crouched on the back of another Hellborn – this one was a frog-like figure with bulging white eyes and green frill around his neck, a broken banjo rested off to the side somewhere – his arms wound around it in a headlock.
Something, somewhere was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but it was wrong, and it involved Loona.
His Loona.
His blood boiled and his Vibes turned foul. If he could get there, he'd know what the wrong was, and fix it and Boop her and hold her and kiss her – fuck, these past two weeks without contact sucked; he missed her sweet scent and the F.B.N. Vibe she always seemed to have – but he couldn't fix it because Lucifer was a petty, overprotective asshole!
"I'm so...fucking sick...of being here!"
He adjusted his grip and snarled as he jerked his arms away from each other.
Cri-Krunch!
The frog-like Hellborn went limp and dropped.
Finally! It took thirty fucking minutes to get a solid grip on the slippery shitter!
The gates to the next cells opened. A right door and a left door, both plain save for the screens in the center. Fun fact, Elysium was built like some kind of-of...shit, what did Charlie call them when they were kids? Rouge-lites? Whatever, it was designed like a sadistic video game that had randomized chances to encounter different enemies based on the little symbols that would light up on the door once you passed a certain 'level'.
In this case, a sword appeared over the center of the one on the left and a...that was a dick on that right door. Straight up, a hairy, hairy penis with a giant scrote. Or it was a mushroom with two slime-balls at the base...Nope, it's a penis. Naruto would put money down on it.
"So, going through this door, then." He decided, pushing through the door on the left and sighed in relief as he saw a table of food. Not just any food, it was what the modern mortal man called Asian food. More than that, there was...there was...
"...Ramen..."
A literal Heavenly chorus sounded –
"Really? I mean really?" Sunglasses lowered as a disappointed stare leveled at the proud other observer.
"What? ...What?! He earned that!"
"...I am telling Sera."
"Please, don't! We can keep it a secret!"
– as he wiped the drool from his lips. He didn't sprint for the bowls of not-literal ambrosia, more so he materialized beside them. One bowl was downed entirely before he could realize what he did. As was a second. And a third. And a fourth...
...It was on the nineteenth bowl that Naruto realized he should probably not eat the fine china that his meal was served in. At least the ramen was good.
"Ah, well." Naruto grinned as he hovered over the bounty before him. "Waste not, want–"
He jumped back and landed in a crouch, hackles raised and fangs bared in a snarl.
A giant fuck off sword had sliced through the table and obliterated the food. The remaining ramen dishes shattered and spilt across the floor. His jaw dropped and he slumped to his knees.
"...N-...No..."
The floor was covered in the remains of so many delicious uneaten dishes. A waste to any proud Glutton. No one would ever get a chance to eat the lo mein, ramen, thai, ramen, curry, ramen, dim sum, ramen, dumplings, ramen, fried rice, ramen, tempura, ramen, kimchi, ramen, sushi and most importantly the RAMEN!
"Your reprieve is over, Duke of Gluttony. Now, you face a true warrior."
"No…" Naruto turned to the speaker, eyes blazing white hot as he did. "Now I face dinner."
The owner of the giant sword was a massive oni with bandages around his mouth and upper neck. Bands of white and brown spots – like a cow! Like the cow that was in the Beef Ramen! The poor, spilled, uneaten, Beef Ramen! – covered his forearms and legs. A single band of dark cloth was wound around his head. The oni snorted and hefted his sword onto his shoulders.
"We'll see about that."
AN: I fucking hated being at work today. That is all.
Better jokes tomorrow.
Gonna go see Deadpool & Wolverine.
NO. SPOILERS.
That goes double for you, Steve, you fucking spoiler fuck.
...It's just Fan-Fiction...