I knew moving back would only add more fuel to the fire but at least my mind was clear on how things needed to be between me and Sam. I was after all just his friend. He was married and he did not view me as anything but MJ.
So, I would be MJ.
I would be the one that showed up no matter what and the one that always had his back.
But I wouldn't be that love sick person that wanted him to see her. No, I would be a supportive friend that sat in the background.
"Is that everything?" Santana asked me. I looked around my living room, seeing it bare was not on my bingo card but I promised to go back. My once beautifully decorated place was now as dreary as I felt about moving back.
"Yeah, that's all my happy stuff." I answered finally.
"Chica, why are you doing this? You do know you can be supportive from afar right?"
I shrugged. "You know I can't do that. If it were anyone else I would but with him… I can't." I said honestly. She looked at me, it was a look she'd always given me.
"What else?" She asked, picking up a box and I followed suit following her out of my old house.
"And I can't turn off how I feel that fast but I have to think about the big picture. Sam's married and has a serious health crisis while actively trying to have a baby. I can't be selfish… I won't be." I answer.
Santana shakes her head, her shiny black hair moving side to side as she places my box on the bed of my truck with the rest of them. "I thought Mary said that was just Penny being optimistic?"
"I think that still means they're trying. Besides, it doesn't matter. I'm just there for moral support." I say but we both knew better.
"If you say so but upside, you'll be with me and Brit."
I smiled before frowning. "I will be putting a lock on my door. I know how you operate." I reply teasingly.
Shrugging she walked around to the passenger side. "Eh, Lima Heights Adjacent baby, I can pick a lock." She said before getting in.
I laughed, looking around before sighing and getting in. I guess it's time to go back but going back means a lot more that I could process at the moment.
…
Being back home meant seven things.
One: I had to see Maxine more often. Had been the operative word. Two: I was back in Nashville.
Three: I could see the Evans family more.
Four: Penny Owens-Evans
Five: I got to be around Brit and her oddball ways.
Six: Sam
Seven: Sam
I frowned, I really need to work on that list more but I digress. Being able to crash with Tana and Britt was the biggest upside, they had a nice penthouse smack in the city which kept me away from number one and number four but it kept me from six and seven. Again the list needed some work.
"Lord Tubbington told me you'd be here and he also told me you're going to make someone cry very soon." Britney said, breaking me from my thoughts.
I looked at the chubby cat, carefully reaching out and petting him. Lord Tubbington and I had a troubled past. "Well here's to hoping that LT is wrong." I replied before the damn cat swiped at me.
Britney sighed. "I told you he doesn't like nicknames and Lord Tubbington is never wrong. He told me you were going to kiss Sam at his wedding and you did." The blonde said and I couldn't help but sit there shocked.
I looked at Santana who was curled up on the couch on her laptop. "Don't look at me, how do you think I knew where to find you after you passed out?"
I narrowed my eyes at the cat. "We will always be enemies!" I said and he hissed before trotting away.
Britney scoped him, quietly fussing at him. "Cedes, he said Penny's calling you and that you need to answer." She said over her shoulder.
I looked down at my phone and there wasn't a call. "HA! He's wrong because look no one…" I trailed off when her name popped up on my screen.
"Trust the cat." Santana chimed in, holding back a laugh.
I rolled my eyes before answering. "Hey Penny."
Penny's voice came through a little shaky, betraying her usual confident tone. "MJ, I didn't expect you'd answer so quickly. I thought you might still be settling in."
I leaned back against the plush cushions, watching Britney cuddle Lord Tubbington into submission. "Just finished unpacking some boxes. What's up?"
There was a pause on the other end, the kind that stretches just long enough to start making you anxious. "It's Sam," she finally said, and my heart sank. "His condition has worsened, MJ. We're at Vanderbilt, they're running more tests but..."
I stood up abruptly, my previous annoyance with the cat forgotten. "I'm on my way," I said without hesitation.
Santana glanced up from her laptop, her eyes narrowing in concern as she caught the tail end of my conversation. "Everything okay?"
"It's Sam," I murmured as I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
Britney looked up, worry crinkling around her eyes. "Want us to come with?"
I shook my head, already halfway through the door. "No, stay here. I'll call if I need anything."
The drive to Vanderbilt was a blur—a mixture of red lights and honks melting into a symphony of urgency. My thoughts raced faster than the car, each one looping back to Sam and the last time I had seen him, how he had looked increasingly fragile and pale.
Pulling into the hospital parking lot, I spotted Penny immediately. She stood outside the entrance, her phone pressed to her ear, pacing back and forth. As soon as she saw me, she ended her call and rushed over.
"MJ, thank you for coming," she said, her voice heavy with worry.
"How is he?" I asked, following her inside.
"They're not sure yet; they're doing another MRI now. He asked for you," Penny said as we navigated through the sterile
hallways of the hospital. The fluorescent lights above seemed to flicker in rhythm with my increasing heartbeat.
We reached the waiting area outside the MRI room, where a few other anxious faces waited for news on their loved ones. Penny directed me to a pair of empty seats, and we sat down. Her hands were trembling slightly as she clasped them tightly in her lap.
"He's been asking for you a lot lately," Penny confessed, her gaze fixed on the tiled floor. "I think he finds comfort in your presence."
I nodded, unsure of what to say. The situation was complicated, tangled with unresolved feelings and responsibilities that I couldn't easily navigate. "He's my friend," I finally said. "I want to be here for him."
Penny smiled weakly, her eyes meeting mine with a mixture of gratitude and sadness. "I know, and I'm thankful for that, MJ. I just wish..." her voice trailed off, lost in the what-ifs and could-have-beens that so often haunted the halls of hospitals.
The silence stretched between us, filled only by the distant beeping of machines and soft footsteps of nurses on duty. We both jumped slightly when a doctor approached, his face serious but not unkind.
"Are you with Mr. Evans?" he asked, looking between me and Penny.
"Yes, we are," Penny answered quickly, standing up. "How is he?"
The doctor motioned for us to follow him a little way down the corridor, away from the ears of others in the waiting area. "Sam's situation is stable for now, but the tests have shown progression in his condition that concerns us," he explained. His words were careful, each one weighed with clinical precision yet carrying an undertone of empathy. "We're exploring several treatment options that could help manage the symptoms more effectively."
I shifted. "I don't understand… I thought the diagnosis was caught early." I say.
The doctor nodded. "It was, this has to do with the stress he's putting on his body."
He glanced at Penny, then back to me. "Sam has been reluctant to scale back his activities. Despite our recommendations, he's continued with his normal workload and added stress factors have likely exacerbated his condition."
Penny exhaled sharply, her frustration visible. "We've tried talking to him about it, but you know Sam. Always convinced he can handle more than he should."
The doctor gave a small, understanding nod. "It's not uncommon, especially in young, active patients. However, it's crucial now more than ever that he takes these warnings seriously. His health must be prioritized."
I felt a knot form in my stomach. The thought of Sam pushing himself too hard wasn't just alarming; it was heartbreaking. He had always been the type to put others before himself, often ignoring his own needs.
"Can I see him?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Once he's back from the MRI," the doctor replied. "I'll make sure
you're informed the moment you can go in. For now, just be ready for him. He'll need strong support."
Penny and I nodded, returning to our seats in the waiting area. The minutes stretched into hours as we waited, each tick of the clock loud in the tense silence.
Finally, a nurse approached us. "You can see him now," she said, her smile warm despite the situation.
We followed her through a maze of white hallways until we reached a room where Sam lay, looking far too small against the stark hospital bed. His eyes lit up when he saw us, and a weak smile formed on his lips.
"MJ," he whispered as I approached his side. "You came."
"Of course," I replied, taking his hand gently. It felt frail and cold in mine. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."
Sam squeezed my hand, his grip surprisingly strong given how pale and tired he looked. "I'm being stubborn, aren't I?" he said, a wry chuckle escaping his lips despite the situation.
I couldn't help but smile back, even as my heart ached. "Yeah, you are. But we're going to get through this, okay? You just need to start listening to your doctors—and to us."
His expression sobered, the gravity of his condition settling in. "I know, I'm trying. It's just hard to slow down, you know?"
I nodded, understanding more than he could imagine. "I know, but you don't have to do everything at once. Let us help you."
Sam looked between Penny and me, his eyes lingering on her for a moment longer. "I'm lucky to have you both," he said softly.
Penny reached out and placed her hand over ours. "We're here for you, Sam. No matter what."
The room filled with a comfortable silence, the kind that only comes when words are unnecessary. We stayed like that for a while before the realization of everything hit me and the emotions changed inside from worry to anger.
I looked at him and then to Penny. "I still don't understand. If it was caught early, why is he here now? I get not slowing down but I don't understand and why did you let him keep going if it was that bad? I was only gone for a month?"
Sam tried to sit up but I pushed him down before looking at Penny. "Explain!" I demanded.
Penny took a deep breath, her eyes darting between me and Sam, a clear struggle playing across her features. "MJ, I promise you, it's not that simple," she began, her voice shaky. "You know Sam. Even when we tried to convince him he needed to take it easy, he wouldn't listen. He's convinced that he needs to keep pushing through, to not let this illness define him."
Sam groaned softly, confirming Penny's words with a nod. "She's right," he managed to say, his voice weak but firm. "I didn't want anyone worrying more than necessary. I thought I could handle it."
I felt my frustration bubble up, hot and fierce. "Handle it? Sam, look at where handling it has gotten you!" My voice rose involuntarily, echoing slightly in the sterile room.
Sam's face fell, a mix of guilt and defiance in his eyes. "I know, MJ," he whispered. "I made a mistake, but I didn't want to be a burden. I wanted to keep living my life on my own terms, even if it was just for a little while longer."
I exhaled slowly, trying to calm the storm of emotions inside me. Sitting down on the edge of his bed, I took his hand again. "Sam, you're not a burden, not to me, not to Penny, not to anyone who cares about you," I said softly. "Trying to handle everything alone isn't living; it's just existing in denial. We're here for you. Let us in, let us help."
Penny nodded vigorously, wiping a tear that had escaped down her cheek. "We could have managed this together," she added. "We still can. But we need you to be honest with us, and more importantly, with yourself."
Sam looked between us, his eyes glossy with unshed tears. "I'm scared," he admitted after a long silence.
My heart ached to reach out and comfort him, but Penny was already by his side. I couldn't help but feel like an outsider, reminding myself that I was only there as a friend. At this moment, Penny was his rock and I was just MJ, trying my best not to intrude. But our eyes met, and I struggled to tear my gaze away, torn between wanting to be there for him and respecting their bond.
The unshed tears in his eyes and the ones slowly seeping out of mine made it hard to maintain any pretense of strength. Even so, I forced a smile and squeezed his hand in silent encouragement.
"You're not alone in this, Sam. We're all scared," I reassured him. "But that fear doesn't have to isolate you. It can bring us together, make us stronger as a team."
Sam's breath hitched slightly as he absorbed my words. He glanced at Penny, then back at me, the tentative beginnings of resolve forming in his eyes. "Okay," he whispered finally, the word heavy with the weight of acceptance. "I'll try. I'll try harder for you guys."
I nodded, feeling my emotions boiling before suddenly needing to get out of that room. "I- I'll be back…" I said, not waiting for either of them to protest. I quickly walked out of the room and headed down the hallway, my steps echoing around me in the empty corridor. The cool, antiseptic smell of the hospital seemed to seep into my pores, filling me with a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature. I stopped by a large window overlooking the hospital gardens, my hands pressing against the cold glass as I tried to collect my thoughts.
The gardens were lush and well-tended, a stark contrast to the clinical sterility inside. Watching a couple of small birds flit among the flower beds, I felt the tight coil of anxiety in my chest loosen slightly. Nature had always had that effect on me, calming and centering my turbulent emotions.
I should have been in there with him, supporting him. But something about seeing Sam so vulnerable, so human, had shattered something inside me. The realization hit hard—I was terrified of losing him. Not just to his illness but to his stubborn insistence on handling everything alone.
I took deep breaths, trying to steady myself. "You can do this. You have to do this…" I said to myself.
I didn't believe it but I was going to try.