The Complication

by CharlieFenwick

Data struggles to reconcile the discrepancies between Tasha's verbal and nonverbal communication during and after the events of Ligon II. "Am I the 'complication?" Data asked. Data begins to develop emotions. Tasha/Data fluff & angst. Data/Geordi friendship. Covers the events of TNG season 1 with missing scenes, original adventures, and some mild AU retelling of events.

106. The Road Not Taken

Author's Note: I'm completely blown away by all your comments, questions, and words of support. Thank you!

The next few chapters are the big 'flashback' parts where much will be revealed. However, the events we witness here are only a tiny snippet of a much larger story.

Some pieces of Tasha's backstory are included. It is information that we will learn long before it is revealed to Data.

He won't find out for some time to come (The Course We Set – S3) – but I hope it helps to shape her character and explain why Tasha carries this heavy sense of misplaced guilt.

This also includes some serious info-dumping about Turkana and Tasha's ancestors. This topic will be further explored in storylines when Ishara is introduced in Legacy as well as prequels. (This does fly in the face of 'Doctor Jenna Yar' from Phase II but *shrug*).

There's also a hint in this chapter regarding Tasha's unusual relationship with our favourite omnipotent trickster…

And to answer a few questions – No. The focus of this story is not shifting exclusively to Tasha. It will always remain Data/Tasha focused with small deviations for an ensemble cast.

Data will get his own big angsty arc too in the future (and plenty of happy moments as well). There will be a TON of information on the Soongs and Data's ancestry coming. In fact, I'm so excited for the Data & Pulaski friendship arc that's in the sequel! We're just not that far yet!

---

Please be advised this portion of the story is a dark turn. I want to assure you – this series has a happy ending. But this part is filled with pain and loss.

Content Warning: Strong language, violence, abuse, child abuse, CSA, sexual assault, torture, graphic injury, enucleation, pregnancy/childbirth, miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, self-harm, suicide, character death, murder.

---

"Do you remember what I said – that I loved her from afar?" Richard asked.

He shifted uncomfortably.

"It wasn't always that way," Richard began.

---

2350 | Romulus

Richard Castillo was frozen in place.

"Which one of you was it?" Morak asked in a disturbingly calm tone of voice.

He paced back and forth in front of the line of prisoners in his office. It was quiet save for the sickening sound of Tasha wheezing on the floor.

"I will ask you again, which one of you was it?" Morak demanded.

There was only silence.

Morak whipped out his disruptor. He fired without hesitation, dropping Jimmy Fredericks to the floor. He was one of the survivors of the Enterprise-C.

He'd been fresh from the Academy – only twenty-one years of age when the ship went down.

Tasha hissed as Morak gripped the back of her hair, dragging her across the floor.

"If you won't tell me, then I will kill everyone here one by one until I find the thief responsible," Morak spat. "You will beg me to stop."

Tasha was breathing hard through clenched teeth. Her mouth and nose were bloody from the beating she had sustained.

"We're not begging you for anything," Tasha said in defiance.

She collapsed to the floor as Morak released her.

"Which one of you will claim responsibility? Huh?" Morak asked. "Step forward and-"

Tasha cried out as Morak delivered a swift kick to her back.

"Beg-"

Thwack.

"For the life-"

Thwack.

"Of this whore-"

Thwack.

Richard Castillo was sick to his stomach as he listened to Morak inflict yet another beating on Tasha. It had always hurt to listen, to be the one to clean up after Morak had finished taking out his fury or satisfying his sadistic urges.

But this time was different.

This time Richard was directly responsible for her torment.

Castillo wanted to rush forward. Yet he remained firmly stuck in place. He tightened his grip around Sela, holding her firmly against his chest to muffle the sound of her screaming cries.

She was terrified – and so was Castillo.

The only thing that held Richard back was an oath he'd made to Tasha. She was protecting him so that he might continue to watch over Sela.

---

One Hour Earlier

It was colder than usual, cold enough that Richard Castillo could feel it in his lungs as he ran.

He paused, straining his ears as he listened to the sounds of the woods around them. It was a new moon – the darkest night. And they were deep inside the thick woods that surrounded Morak's compound.

Their attackers weren't far behind, and they were closing fast. They were nearly to the grasslands where a shuttle was waiting.

Sela whined.

She was cold and terrified. She didn't understand what was happening around her nor the gravity of the situation.

Castillo shushed her as he tried to identify which direction their pursuers were coming from. It sounded like they were all around them. But he knew the woods and the darkness could play tricks on the mind.

They had escaped Morak's compound an hour earlier – sneaking out while their captors were distracted. Castillo knew it was now or never. This was his only chance to get them to safety.

There wasn't enough space for everyone. The shuttle and escape were limited. But the men knew that, and they recognised the importance of protecting Tasha and the girl.

It had been the easiest vote the team had ever taken.

Tasha and Sela would go for certain. Getting them out was the priority. Much had changed since the days when Tasha was the outcast scorned by the other prisoners. They had come to recognise all she had sacrificed for them.

The other lucky three included Vic Kelley, a medic from the Enterprise-C and the closest thing they had to a doctor.

He would be joined by Tiro, a Romulan prisoner that was sympathetic to their cause. He was part of an underground dissident movement with contacts in the Federation. He promised that he would get the others to safety on a neutral planet.

Rounding out the group was Ghost who would serve as their pilot. The men had drawn lots for that space.

Tiro's source had left an abandoned shuttle in the grasslands. They would need to pilot it themselves to rendezvous with a ship waiting in orbit.

Ghost had offered to trade places with Castillo so that Richard might escape together with Tasha & Sela.

Fair is fair. I wouldn't feel right leaving the men. Castillo had said.

I will keep them safe. Ghost promised.

Now that they were closer to freedom than ever before, it seemed the universe saw fit to deal them a blow.

A small, unholy noise escaped from Tasha's lips.

Richard turned and froze.

Tasha clutched her side. She staggered for a moment before stumbling.

The others could sense the team had stopped. Kelley dropped everything but his medical bag. He rushed over to Tasha and caught her just before she collapsed.

A swift noise cut through the night air, whizzing past the trees before it impacted Kelley. Kelley slumped to the ground.

He was dead - courtesy of a bolt from a Romulan crossbow.

Disruptors were weapons of war. They were designed to kill. But Morak didn't just like to hunt, he liked to terrorise his prey – especially humans. That's why he equipped all of his guards with dangerous crossbows.

Tasha was on her knees breathing hard. Instinctively she turned in the direction of the attacker, listening for any sound to identify what was coming.

She frantically searched the ground for anything she could use to defend herself.

Tasha grunted as she took a second hit to the chest. It felt like an out of body experience. Time seemed to stop.

Richard watched in horror as Tasha raised one trembling hand to feel the source of the warm, wet wound just to the right of her heart.

Their escape was over. At least, it was over for Tasha.

Richard set Sela down on the ground. He rushed right past Tasha and toward the Romulan guard that was approaching with his crossbolt drawn and aimed.

Castillo dove. After a short struggle, he managed to finagle the Romulan's blade from the holster at his thigh. Castillo then quickly dispatched their attacker.

He dropped the knife and glanced behind him.

"We have to keep moving," Ghost urged.

"Sela? Sweetheart?" Tasha whispered, reaching in the dark for her daughter.

But Sela was too frightened to move.

Castillo crawled back toward Tasha.

"Go," Tasha said.

Richard cupped Tasha's face. He was at a loss for words.

"Go," Tasha urged.

She reached for his hand, holding it there as she took a moment to savour the feel of it.

"Take Sela and go," Tasha said.

With Kelley dead there was no way Tasha would survive the journey. She knew that much. She could feel it.

Richard could too. Tasha was cold. She was losing too much blood. And their attackers were closing in. The Romulan Castillo had killed was an advanced scout. There would be more along any moment.

"Please. Take Sela. Get her out of here," Tasha pleaded. "I'll try to buy you as much time as I can."

Tasha felt along the ground for a rock, a branch – anything she could try and use to hold off their attackers.

"I-I can't," Castillo stammered. "I won't leave you."

Tasha rested her forehead against his.

"I won't leave you here to die," Richard said, his voice breaking as he tried to keep it together.

"Then go now. It will be just like I've snuck away while you're sleeping. You can pretend I'm-"

Tasha paused.

"Anywhere but here," she concluded.

Tasha recalled a memory from years earlier during their time together on Narendra. It had been a frozen hell – but it was the happiest days of her life.

"Softly, I will leave you softly," Tasha sang before pressing a tender kiss against Richard's cheek.

It was cold enough that her tears were starting to freeze.

Tasha found Sela's hand.

"You're going to go with Lilo now," Tasha said, squeezing Sela's hand. "He's going to look after you. Be a good girl."

Sela looked to Castillo for an explanation. She didn't understand what was happening. All she knew is that she had been safe in bed one moment then gone the next.

Her mother and Castillo had bundled Sela up and told her to keep quiet.

It was very confusing for a young girl.

"Iu sela. Iu anwylyd. Iu tuula," Tasha whispered as she brushed her thumb across Sela's hand.

My sunshine. My beloved. My firefly.

Tasha smiled.

"My little spark in the all the darkness," Tasha said fondly. "Mummy loves you."

If there was anything she wanted Sela to remember – it was that.

"I love you so much, Sela," Tasha assured her.

Ghost and Tiro were on alert. The voices getting closer, footfalls crunching on the frozen ground that grew louder with each passing minute.

"We need to go," Ghost warned.

"My contact won't wait if he's spooked," Tiro added.

"Go," Tasha insisted.

She needed to know they got away, to know that her death would mean something. And she could think of no greater purpose than ensuring that her child escaped to safety.

And the man she loved.

Tasha had wished for death for so long.

Yet now that the moment was upon her, she found it lacked any peace.

"Please go," Tasha said.

"There are stars tonight, Tuula," Castillo said as he nuzzled against her face.

He knew it was important to her that she die in full view of the sky.

"But no moonlight," Tasha said.

"You make your own moonlight, Tuula," Richard murmured.

Tasha knew he was trying to be kind. He was like that. But she couldn't lie to herself – no matter how much she wanted to.

"There's no moonlight in this place," Tasha remarked.

Tasha had long ago accepted that hell was real. She had lived it, given birth within the confines of it, and she would die there.

Castillo closed his eyes and pressed an ardent kiss to Tasha's forehead, lingering longer than they had time for.

"I would have loved you," Castillo said.

"I thought you already did?" Tasha asked, teasing him.

She was trying to cover for how terrified she was.

Tasha was losing her daughter, her lover. The only small bit of sunshine she'd had to hold onto during this bleak existence was about to leave.

Tasha had been the same age as Sela when she had watched her mother die. It broke Tasha's heart to know that all she would leave Sela with was the memory of her death and an old locket.

Just like her own mother.

"There would have been affection and tenderness. Respect. The way love should be," Castillo went on.

He buried his fingers in the back of her hair, holding Tasha's face against his own as he sobbed.

Richard didn't need to explain.

They both knew this was goodbye and he needed Tasha to hear those words.

"I would have loved you the way you deserve to be loved," Richard promised.

Sela dropped down next to Richard and threw her arms around his torso. She didn't know why he was sad. But it hurt to see him so distraught.

"In another life, we would have had that cabin. I would have spent every night tucked in close with you," Castillo said. "All the things I whispered to you in these woods. We would have had that, Tuula."

Tasha smiled and pressed a soft kiss against his lips for the last time.

"Love and gentleness and joy," Richard promised. "I would have loved doing nothing with you but argue over cleaning the replicator filter and begging my mother to watch this one so we could fall asleep on the sofa together."

Richard chuckled.

It was true. He'd dreamed about it so often he could taste it. Richard didn't want anything grand – just a small place by the lake where he could teach Sela how to swim and skate.

And catch her when she wanted to jump off the dock.

Sometimes Richard could imagine what Sela would look like carefully measuring ingredients with flour on her nose while his mother baked the same thumbprint cookies she'd made for him at that age.

They'd spend lazy days on the water then crack the windows and pray for a breeze in the summer heat.

Autumn would have brought colour and crisp air along with a sky full of stars. There would have been apple picking and afternoons canning homemade pickles.

Richard had told Tasha all about his winters at home – snowmen and skating and pickup games of hockey. There was no doubt in his mind that his mum still had his sled tucked away in the shed somewhere.

He could just picture Sela brushing him off as she waddled across the ice on shaky legs, insisting she could do it on her own.

There would have been stargazing in the cold winter air - followed by fireside flannel and snuggling down with his girls.

Yes, that was the life Richard wanted.

Sela tugged at Richard's sleeve. She was cold. She wanted to go back to her bed, to a place where she felt safe.

"Lilo," she sobbed. "I wanna go home."

Richard wrapped one arm around Sela and pulled her in close.

"Hug your mother," Castillo ordered.

Sela blinked, confused. She wasn't supposed to call Tasha 'mother.' Whenever she slipped up and did call out or cry for her mummy, Drusilla beat her senseless.

Sela looked up to Richard as if to ask permission.

"Go on," he said.

Sela was hesitant at first, but she soon melted into her mother's embrace.

"I love you, Sela," Tasha said.

"I love you, mummy. Can I go home now?" Sela asked.

Richard pulled them both into an embrace.

"I w-w-would have made you h-happy," Richard sobbed.

"You already did," Tasha replied.

She was surprisingly calm in spite of the tears as she cupped Richard's face and flashed him one last brilliant smile.

Tasha kissed the top of Sela's head, pressing one final kiss there before it was time to say goodbye.

"Take care of her," Tasha said. "Watch over her."

Richard wanted to stay in that moment, to hold her close as they whispered their final, rushed words of love to one another.

Richard blinked fast to try and fight the tears as he scooped up Sela. She was shaking from both the cold and the frightening atmosphere.

Tasha stumbled to her feet, fully prepared to fight with every last ounce of strength.

"Go," she urged.

"Come on," Ghost said.

But it was too late.

A contingent of Romulan guards appeared out from the shadows of the ridge above in the forest. Richard spun around to find they were completely surrounded. He clutched Sela close.

The guards parted. There was a crunch underfoot as a large, imposing man stepped forward.

"Well, well. What do we have here? Cornered and terrified," Morak drawled.

He reached for a bolt from his quiver and took aim.

Then Morak hesitated.

He was stunned to see Castillo there in the middle of these escaped prisoners. He was cradling Sela. Castillo was his trusted right-hand man, the only human Morak trusted around his jewel.

And he was the man that was entrusted with the protection of his heir.

Tasha seized the only opportunity she had left to protect her child and Richard.

"Give me my daughter, you traitor!" Tasha roared as she dove at Castillo.

On instinct, he jumped back.

"Hand her over. Now!" Tasha shouted.

She lunged blindly, stumbling as she demanded the return of her daughter. She poured all of her energy into selling Morak on a scene that couldn't be further from the truth.

"How dare you? How can you stand to be complicit in this? How dare you betray us? You led them right to us!" Tasha fumed as she beat her fists against Richard's arm.

She called him a defector. A traitor. A dog that had rolled over for Morak.

"Traitor!" Tasha went on. "Give! Me! My! Child!"

Tasha roared as she blindly beat at Richard with her fists.

General Morak raised his bow. Castillo was certain Morak didn't believe a word of it. After all – how could he?

"The child is an innocent," Richard said, looking to Morak and pleading for his mercy on Sela's behalf.

Richard clutched Sela tight as he braced himself to protect Sela from the full wrath of Morak's rage.

The noise that escaped from Tasha's lips when the bolt shot into her thigh was enough to make Castillo squirm.

She fell to the side, clutching her leg in agony.

"You were trying to escape?" Morak asked in disbelief. "You rail about betrayal and yet here you are forcing me to hunt you down like prey!"

Tasha couldn't be more pleased.

It seemed Morak had bought their deception.

But for the sake of selling it, she pretended to be furious.

"Yes. I was going to take my daughter far, far away from you," Tasha said in a low, dangerous voice.

Her chest was heaving. She was well past woozy from the blood loss.

"Until this turncoat showed up," Tasha said.

It was an act of love – even if her voice was dripping with disdain.

"You captured my lost jewel and saved my heir, Castillo," Morak said, stroking Sela's hair.

She buried her head against Castillo's chest in an effort to hide from her father. Though small, Sela could sense he was angry and knew enough not to put herself in the path of that temper.

"But my lord, he was the one-" one of the guards began to protest.

"Silence," Morak barked. "He's worth ten of you. Even if he is only a human."

Richard's years of service in protecting Tasha and Sela had endeared him to Morak. It was an act of sheer brilliance. Somehow Richard and Tasha had managed to feign enough animosity between them that Morak believed they couldn't stand one another.

Castillo was the very last man he would suspect to betray him.

"Are you alright, my little eagle?" Morak asked as he brushed Sela's hair back.

She peeked out from her hiding place.

"I wanna go home," she sniffled.

"And you shall," Morak assured her.

He turned and stared down at Tasha as she bled out onto the frozen ground.

"Take her and her accomplices to my office," Morak ordered.

Two guards stepped forward to drag Tasha back.

"See to her wounds and prepare my interrogation kit," Morak said.

Tasha whimpered as Morak grabbed the bolt in her thigh, wiggling it just enough to cause excruciating pain.

"Come along, Castillo. Bring my little eagle. Let her witness what happens to traitors," Morak said. "I want her to know she will always be safe with me."

---

"I pulled her onto a shuttle before the ship exploded. She struggled. She didn't want to go," Castillo explained.

He paused and shook his head.

"Said she was supposed to die on that ship," Castillo went on. "Had I known-"

He took a sip of his whisky to steady his nerves.

"I never meant to drag her into that hell," Castillo concluded.

"But why was she there in the first place? With transfer orders?" Picard inquired.

He was having a hard time accepting that he would approve Tasha's transfer knowing it was a one way trip.

"I don't understand," Picard said.

"She didn't like to talk about it. She was so angry. Bitter," Castillo went on. "And there was this sadness in her."

That had always bothered Richard.

"She carried this weight of guilt with her. Wore it everywhere like she was responsible for fixing everything. And when she couldn't do it – she took it hard," Richard went on.

Jean-Luc knew that. He'd sensed it in Tasha too. She was a world-weary soul long before the age when she should have felt that way.

"She asked for so little," Castillo said.

But to a child that had grown up with an overwhelming sense of guilt, Tasha felt every moment of joy came at a great price. She didn't feel entitled to nice things nor kindness.

And in return, when she did experience those fleeting moments of joy, the universe saw fit to deal her pain.

"What do you know about Turkana? Her religion? Their customs?" Richard asked.

Jean-Luc shrugged.

"Very little. I didn't even know she had any spiritual inclination," Picard confessed.

Castillo nodded.

"It's got one theme," Richard shared. "Humans are a dangerous, savage race."

Growing up with a devoutly Catholic mother, Richard was no stranger to scruples. But Tasha's beliefs were so extreme, the guilt was so amplified.

Richard was certain one could dedicate a lifetime trying to live up to the demands of Turkana's old religion.

"And because we are cruel, because we take and consume and destroy everything - we owe penance for our very existence," Richard explained.

---

2344 | Narendra III

Tasha was on her knees chipping away at the rocky soil that encased a small green plant. She was hacking away to get to the roots.

"So, we're going to eat flowers?" Castillo teased.

"This is N'aajej blossom. It's the only known native flowering plant capable of surviving on this planet," Tasha explained.

She recalled Data mentioning that during their briefing on Narendra III. The planet was barely M-class and it was a struggle to grow much of anything.

There were reports of Klingon attempts to farm the landscape. But Tasha couldn't imagine much growing there. Only the heartiest of plants could survive the bitter cold.

In spite of the fear they wouldn't last the night, Tasha and Richard had managed to beat the odds.

Their limited supplies were dwindling. They were already strained under the pressure of having to service two people.

There was only one toothbrush.

One emergency thermal blanket.

One medical kit.

"So why did you transfer over?" Castillo asked.

Tasha didn't answer.

"Oh, come on, Yar. We're sharing a damn toothbrush. Surely you can tell me why you gave up everything for this mission to nowhere," Castillo pressed.

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Tasha countered. "I'm here, aren't I? The reason's irrelevant at this point."

Richard couldn't figure it out.

"You said before that you weren't ordered here which means you volunteered. But I can't figure out why," Castillo pondered aloud. "You don't seem too happy about it."

"I'm on a frozen, miserable planet. Of course, I'm not happy about it," Tasha replied.

"Well, you've got me," Castillo said, hoping to make her smile. "At least the company's good, right?"

Tasha didn't answer as she continued to break up the soil with her knife.

"Wait. Is that why you did all of this? Me?" Castillo asked.

Tasha stopped digging and sat back on her knees.

"I mean that kiss was something but I don't know about-"

"If you think I would give up my life, my home, everything I have for… a man," Tasha fumed, gesturing wildly.

The fucking nerve. Tasha thought.

"Then you really don't know me at all," she said, turning back to her work.

"You're right. I don't know you. But I would like to," Castillo said.

He knelt down next to Tasha and helped brush away the soil from the roots.

"I just get this feeling you're carrying this great burden. And you don't have to do it alone. We're probably going to die out here. These last few hours don't have to be miserable," Castillo said.

Tasha stopped as Richard leaned in close.

"I'm not asking because I think this will lead anywhere," he assured her. "I'm asking because I think you're pretty incredible. And I don't know why you're here, but I'm glad you're with me."

Tasha glanced over to meet his eyes. Even if she could begin to explain it, Tasha didn't think Richard would understand. Turkanan beliefs were just too different.

"Tell me?" Richard asked.

Tasha just shook her head.

---

They were stranded on Narendra for weeks - and they weren't alone.

There were survivors scattered all over the planet including crew members from the Enterprise-C, Romulans, and Klingons.

It had been both the scariest and most wonderful days of Richard's life.

He and Tasha were constantly on the move. At one point, they had a few Romulan survivors trailing them. It was like a game of cat and mouse.

Narendra was mostly barren rock. There was really nowhere to hide.

It was difficult to find enough fuel to stay warm and hard to move quickly under such circumstances. Sweating was dangerous and their water supply was limited.

And then in their second week – they hit the jackpot.

---

Tasha Yar held her hands over the warm rock and relished the feel of the steam as it hit her skin. She flexed her fingers and hissed.

There was pain as the feeling began to return. But the relief felt wonderful.

"Honey! I'm home!" Richard called out.

He dropped a fresh pile of collected brush near the storage pile.

Days earlier, Richard and Tasha had stumbled upon a cave that would be their saving grace. It was sheltered from the wind and provided natural cover.

The heavy mineral deposits meant they were shielded from sensors in orbit.

Best of all, the cave had a source of water that was both clean and warm. It was a natural hot spring. The rocks throughout the cave system provided wonderful thermal insulation.

Narendra III was an icy hell. But it was a balmy 30°C in their cave.

It was still a difficult existence. They were barely scraping by as they scavenged for food and supplies. But it was a relief to come home to the cave at the end of the day where they could kick back, bathe, and enjoy the steam that penetrated their nasal passages.

"I was in a good holodeck programme like this once. It's supposed to be based on one of those famous Risian spas," Castillo said.

Tasha groaned with delight as she cracked her neck side to side.

"I bet you had some real fine holodeck programmes on that ship. I'm sure the technology has come a long way," Castillo remarked.

Tasha snorted with laughter.

"Oh, let me guess - you were all business? No time for kicking back?" Castillo teased.

"We get a thirty minute allotment annually and another thirty minute allotment on your birthday," Tasha explained.

The holodecks on the Enterprise-D were indeed advanced. But they used considerable energy requirements in order to maintain such lavish illusions.

With everything on strict rationing, the holodecks were rarely used for recreation. Their use was limited to trainings and simulations. Occasionally there would be the odd diplomatic function.

"Most people stack them together so they can spend an hour at home or in their favourite place on their birthday," Tasha said.

"But not you?" Castillo asked.

Tasha had no good memories nor places to go.

"My people don't celebrate birthdays," Tasha said.

Richard was shocked.

"You've never celebrated your birthday?" Richard asked.

Tasha shook her head.

"Yar," Richard said.

Tasha shrugged nonchalantly before laying back down against the rocks. She folded her hands across her stomach and closed her eyes.

"What's there to celebrate? I never thought I'd live past twelve," Tasha confessed. "I don't need a special holiday. I don't take any day for granted."

"So where is the mysterious birthday-less planet?" Castillo asked.

Tasha wasn't ready to share that information. Almost none of her colleagues on the Enterprise knew the truth about her Turkanan origins.

"We should head out further tomorrow," Tasha said, avoiding the question. "Now that we've got this to come back to, we can explore more of the area."

"I spotted a structure south of here," Castillo advised. "Looks like a farm."

Tasha grinned.

"Good," she said.

---

"Well, it doesn't look like there's any movement," Tasha said.

She moved back down below the ridge and rolled onto her back. It was the next day. For nearly two hours, they'd been watching the farmhouse to see if it was occupied.

No had come in or out of the home. There were a few outlying buildings that appeared abandoned. Tasha couldn't spy anyone or even any livestock.

Narendra III had changed hands between the Klingons and Romulans so many times in the last century that it was impossible to tell if anyone currently occupied the home.

"For all we know, this place could have been abandoned a long time ago," Castillo pointed out.

"Care to find out?" Tasha asked.

---

After creeping down the slope to check out the area, Tasha and Castillo were delighted to discover the installation was abandoned.

They were less thrilled to find it appeared to be recent development.

"Disruptor fire," Tasha said, eyeing the scorch marks on the wall.

Richard and Tasha exchanged a dark look.

"We shouldn't stay long," Tasha cautioned.

Tasha made a beeline for the blankets of fur and rough spun wool on the bed. It wasn't much – but Tasha was keen for anything to make the cave more comfortable.

Tasha whipped open the storage locker and cupboards that lined the wall. She raided the pantry, the medicine locker, and even the dresser for anything that might be of use.

"Here," she said, tossing a pair of cloth gloves at Castillo.

"Excellent," he said.

Tasha stuffed everything she could into the blankets before rolling them up like knapsacks to carry their goods.

"This isn't your first time raiding a house, eh?" Castillo asked.

"It's not like these people are going to need this anymore," Tasha said.

She had learned at an early age that you took what you could without question. On Turkana, it was a matter of survival. The dead didn't need shoes, tools, or items of value.

"Well don't just stand there!" Tasha said. "Look about. Anything useful. Fuel, cooking equipment, food. You know the drill."

While Richard looked on one end, Tasha continued to rummage through the sleeping area.

She froze when her eyes fell on a small ragdoll. It was stitched together from scraps of fabric and stuffed with grain. She had yarn for hair and little buttons for eyes.

Tasha was struck by the uncomfortable memory of a doll she'd had as a girl, a gift from one of the only people to ever show her true kindness.

Their home had been ransacked too. This doll had probably once belonged to a child just as frightened as Tasha had been.

Long gone now. Tasha thought darkly.

Tasha stuffed the doll into her pack. She swallowed her memories and continued forward.

Across the room, Castillo wandered out of the main space and into a small seating area as he looked around.

There was movement by the window that caught his eye.

In a flash, Richard rushed back.

Tasha was rummaging through the dresser when Richard crept up from behind.

She gasped as he covered her mouth with his hand.

"We're not alone," Richard whispered.

Tasha nodded in understanding.

Castillo released her. An unspoken understanding passed between them. Their phasers were dead. The cold had completely drained the power cell.

Communicating with hand signals, Tasha took up a position on one side of the room while Castillo pressed his body flat against the wall.

After several agonising minutes, the door slid open and a terrified looking Romulan stepped in with his disruptor drawn.

Castillo tackled him. The two men fell to the floor as they struggled for control of the disruptor as a second Romulan crept in.

Castillo was still wrestling with the first when he felt the Romulan go limp, followed by the warm, wet gush of blood.

Tasha helped roll the body off as Castillo looked around to take stock. There were two dead Romulans – dispatched courtesy of Tasha's skill with a blade.

Tasha wiped her knife on her leg and then slipped it back into place. She would clean it again properly when they were back to the cave.

Tasha had been meticulous about caring for the knife ever since their adventure began – warning Castillo that this tool might very well be the difference between survival and disaster.

"Where did you learn to do that?" Castillo asked as he surveyed the damage.

Tasha had neutralised their attackers in a manner that shocked Richard. She was swift. Effortless. Cold. She certainly didn't look like a ruthless killer, but she had the skills.

"We should get moving," Tasha said.

Richard stood motionless, his feet firmly planted as he continued to study the two dead Romulans.

The Romulan he'd struggled with hardly looked old enough to even be in service. Romulans aged slower than humans. And it was impossible to tell for certain.

"I've heard rumours they swell their ranks with the young. Child soldiers no more than fourteen, fifteen years of age," Castillo went on. "Do you think there's any truth to that?"

Richard glanced up to find Tasha staring over the body.

And then she began to mutter something in a soft voice. The words were strange, utterly foreign as she recited them in one long stream.

Clearly she had done this before.

"Ut dirigat viam lunam et rionnag in nimbum Azura luca galad," Tasha concluded.

She met Castillo's eyes. For a brief moment, there was genuine fear that flashed in her expression before it shifted to anger.

"Don't look at me like that!" Tasha snapped.

Richard flashed her a nervous smile in hopes of easing the tension in the room.

"I'm sorry. Your language. It's beautiful," he said.

Tasha wasn't buying a word of it. She turned away to finish tying up a bundle of supplies.

"Whoa, hey. I'm not trying to razz you. Truly, I've never heard anything like it. Is that your native tongue?" Castillo asked.

When she didn't answer, Richard tried a different approach.

"Where did you learn to do that?" Richard asked.

"You had hand to hand training too," Tasha retorted.

"Not like that," Richard said.

Tasha kept her head low to avoid eye contact. The small drops of wetness on the bundle below were the only clue that something was terribly wrong.

"Yar?" Castillo asked.

"We need to hurry. There might be more," Tasha said.

She was afraid there might be a group of Romulan survivors using this farmhouse as a makeshift shelter. They were likely the ones responsible for killing the previous occupants.

"You can pack up the cooking supplies I pulled out in the kitchen. We can use the kettle and-"

Tasha stopped talking as she felt Richard's hand on her shoulder.

"Tasha?" he asked softly.

For a brief moment, Tasha considered letting down her walls. After all, what did she have to lose? There was every possibility they would be dead soon.

All hope of returning to a normal life was gone.

"Please hurry," Tasha said in a cold voice.

"You are not okay. Do you want to talk about this? Was this the first time you-"

"No!" Tasha hissed.

She shrugged off Richard's arm and whipped around to glare up at him.

"No. It isn't the first time. This is what I'm trained to do," Tasha roared.

Since I was a child. Tasha thought.

"This-"

She gestured down at the dead Romulans.

"Is nothing. It means nothing. They would have killed or captured us. I know your timeline is all holodecks and jet-setting across the Alpha Quadrant to study nebulas or commemorate peace treaties," Tasha spat. "But this is what it means to be at war."

Richard's heart went out to her.

"Covert Operations? Section 31? Grey ops?" Castillo pressed.

"Why does it matter to you? Why?" Tasha demanded.

He'd pestered her with incessant questions ever since landing.

"Why the fuck do you care? You're going to be dead soon enough!" Tasha shouted.

Richard gripped her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry. Regardless of what you've been trained to do, it's okay to feel upset. It's natural to be affected by this," Richard said in a soothing voice. "I can tell you're not alright. And you don't have to feel alone or-"

Tasha shoved him away.

"I'm from Turkana IV," Tasha confessed.

Richard had heard of the planet. He knew enough to recognise it was a rough place. There was a standing order for all Starfleet vessels to avoid the area. Ships that wandered too close were at risk of being captured or destroyed.

When he said nothing, Tasha scoffed.

"Yeah. That's what I thought. Pretty nasty place twenty years ago. Still is," Tasha said.

She crossed her arms.

"I did a lot of terrible, awful things to claw my way off that planet. Things that would make your skin crawl," Tasha went on. "And when Starfleet found out who I was, they saw the perfect tool to suit their needs."

Tasha glanced over at the wall to avoid his eyes as she angrily stuffed supplies into her pack.

"Covert operations. A wet team. Spent some time on the Cardassian front."

She stopped, suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of grief and remorse. A part of her wanted to confess her sins, free herself of the mental anguish that came from living with such a heavy soul.

But she couldn't tell Castillo. She didn't want to burden him with that information.

"I know I'm a monster," Tasha went on. "So, you don't have to look at me like that to remind me. I already live with it every day."

"Is this why you came back? You feel like it's some penance?" Richard asked, piecing it together.

"No…. yes. No," Tasha said, contradicting herself.

She turned her attention to the dead Romulans and began to search them for anything of use.

"It's complicated," Tasha concluded.

She paused to angrily stuff a Romulan ration bar and battery pack into her makeshift sack. Tasha could feel Richard's shadow on her as he approached.

"Yar," he said.

"You know, you have a lot of nerve?" Tasha hissed.

She pulled herself up to her full height and glared up at him.

"I don't think you're a monster," Richard said.

Tasha shuddered as he cupped her face.

"I think you're alone. And frightened. I am too," Richard said.

He leaned in close, close enough that Tasha could feel his breath against her face.

"We're probably going to die on this miserable rock. What do you have left to protect?" Richard asked.

"Me," Tasha confessed.

She was ashamed of herself for being overcome with emotion. Her lip quivered. She closed her eyes and sniffled, bracing herself for a smart remark or a kiss. He was awfully close and she was accustomed to men who couldn't separate support from sexual attraction.

But to her surprise, Richard simply thumbed away her tears.

"I'm sorry you had to endure that. You don't have to talk about it unless you want to. I will not ask again," Richard said.

Tasha was both astonished and relieved.

She cleared her throat and took a step back to put some distance between them.

"Thank you," Tasha said.

"For what?" Richard asked.

"For not.. well, for a second there I was worried you were going to try and kiss me again," Tasha admitted.

Castillo's face broke out in a sheepish grin. He reached up to scratch the back of his head.

"I promised I wouldn't. And I'll confess that I still want to. But we made an agreement and I intend to respect that boundary. I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable," Richard apologised.

Richard's body tensed when Tasha pushed him to the ground. She practically dragged him under the bed. Tasha's hand shot out to snag one of their supply packs and pull it under with them.

Her body was flush against his.

Richard opened his mouth to speak. Tasha pressed one finger to her lips, insisting on silence.

A moment later, the door creaked open, and Richard understood. Tasha must have caught wind of someone else creeping around the farmhouse.

There were heavy boots on the floor.

"GhoQ," one of the voices said, poking the Romulan with his foot.

Fresh kill.

They were Klingons. Richard couldn't be certain, but it sounded like two or three. They fanned out and began to search around the farmhouse for any survivors.

One of the Klingons was about to check under the bed when another called out from outside. As soon as his footfalls faded, Tasha knew it was time to act.

"We can't stay here," she whispered against Richard's ear.

"There's something back here," Richard said, feeling the wall behind him. "I can't quite-"

He trailed off and grunted in frustration. He could feel there was something there – almost like a latch. But he couldn't quite get a grip.

Tasha reached around his body and tried to catch it herself.

"Shut up," Tasha warned when she caught sight of his smirk.

Not a moment too soon, there was a soft 'click' and the wall panel slid away to reveal a small passage.

"Watch your step," Richard warned.

He could feel there was a drop-off.

And a ladder.

"Come on," Richard whispered as he wiggled down into the hiding space.

Before joining him, Tasha scrambled out from under the bed and snagged one of their supply packs from the floor.

"Leave it," Richard urged.

Only Tasha couldn't.

They had come for supplies and Tasha was keen to see that through even if the Klingons had interrupted their little tête-à-tête.

Tasha scrambled down the ladder and Richard shut the door.

A torch clicked on. Richard was furious.

"That was stupid. And unnecessary," he said with a scowl.

"Maybe," Tasha acknowledged. "But we've come too far to leave this behind."

As their eyes began to adjust to the dark, Richard and Tasha fell quiet.

"Yar? You seeing this?" Richard asked.

"Yeah," she replied, breathless.

They were in a hidden storage room below the farmhouse. A room that was hidden for a good reason.

"Well, I'll be," Richard said, trailing off as he flashed his torch around the shelves.

Every available inch was filled with contraband materials – Saurian Brandy, Romulan Ale, Stardust from Orion, Mugato horns, drums of Kemocite, and more.

"This is good," Tasha said.

Castillo chuckled.

"Why? You want to get drunk and go out with a bang?" Castillo teased.

Tasha's face soured.

"No, it means there's likely smugglers operating on Narendra," Tasha said.

"Are you sure we should touch any of this then?" Richard asked.

"I think the Romulans took care of the smugglers here. But whoever they were trading through, we could try and find them. We could work with that. Maybe exchange for passage to get you out of here," Tasha theorised.

Richard frowned.

"You and I both know that fixing the timeline relied on the Enterprise-C being lost," Richard said.

"But that doesn't mean there weren't survivors. The key moment was the sacrifice. You could still walk out of here," Tasha argued.

Guinan's warning had said nothing of survivors. It was entirely possible for Castillo or any other crew to make their way back to the Federation.

"And what happens to you?" Castillo asked.

"I'm a dead woman walking. What happens to me is irrelevant," Tasha said with an alarming sense of clarity.

Tasha turned to the long, dark passage.

"Whoa, hey – shouldn't we wait? We don't know where this leads," Castillo said as he caught her arm. "Why can't we stay here? I'm sure with a little work this cottage could be quite nice."

"They came in. We came in. The Romulans. The Klingons. It's a bloody spacedock!" Tasha exclaimed.

There was far too much traffic for the farmhouse to be a safe place. Tasha was certain any and all survivors that passed through were likely to scope it out.

"Let's take what we can carry and get out of here fast. I'll feel a lot safer once we're back home," Tasha said.

Richard grinned.

"What?" Tasha demanded.

"You called it home," Richard pointed out. "You do like the cave."

---

The passage led them to a rocky outcropping nearly a kilometre away from the farmhouse. They could see it in the distance using the binoculars from the emergency kit.

It was a good thing they'd gotten out when they did – there were at least six Klingons wandering about now.

There was a welcome sense of relief when they reached the safety of the cave.

Klingons weren't known for their comfort. But it turned out there were some advantages to Narendra III. It seemed even the Klingons there still saw the advantages to warm blankets and soft pillows.

"You can take it off now," Tasha said.

Castillo hissed as he reached into the fire and carefully extracted his dinner from the edge of the coals. He tossed his crude flatbread hand to hand until it was cool enough to touch.

"Here," Tasha said.

She leaned forward and brushed the ashes away.

"We usually eat them sans ash," Tasha said with a smile.

"Thanks," Castillo replied.

He groaned with delight as he bit into that first bite. One of the more valuable finds on their scavenging trip was a canister of grain flour. Tasha thought it was rukesh, a rye-like grain that was grown on some of the Klingon worlds with colder climates.

Richard could have cared less what it was called or where it was from. He was just grateful for a hot meal.

"You learned to do this on Turkana?" Castillo asked.

Tasha nodded.

"Yeah," Tasha replied as she absentmindedly picked at her own ashcake. "When it got really cold, my grandmother would come stay with us for harvest and then through the winter. She used to make this big pot of stew and we'd all make our own ashcakes and cook them on the fire."

It was the first time Tasha had shared that memory with anyone.

"That was a good memory for you," Castillo observed.

"Yeah. I guess," Tasha replied.

Most of Tasha's childhood had been a struggle to survive. She had so few good memories. But that home with her parents had been filled with love – even though it only lasted a short while.

"We can sort through the supplies tomorrow. We should probably hide some in case anyone stumbles on our camp," Tasha advised.

"I'll admit some of this stuff is totally lost on me," Richard said.

He reached into one of the makeshift sacks and retrieved a ferrocerium rod. Castillo looked up and shrugged, indicating he didn't have a clue what it was for.

"Fire starter," Tasha explained.

"And this?" Castillo asked as he fished out the ragdoll.

Tasha's posture tensed.

"Must have fallen in," Tasha lied.

Richard could tell Tasha didn't want to talk about. He held the doll up and examined her for a moment before turning back to Tasha.

"I think she's kind of cute," he said, wiggling the doll's arm in her direction.

Tasha didn't react.

"What's your name then, love? How'd a nice girl like you wind up in a place like this?" Castillo asked the doll.

Tasha leapt up from her place across the fire and snatched it from him.

"Don't," Tasha warned.

She sat back down in a huff.

"Does everything have to be a joke to you? This probably belonged to some little girl that was killed by whoever took over that farm to run a smuggling operation. And if it wasn't them – then the Romulans certainly wouldn't have left them alive," Tasha snapped.

The parallels between finding that farm and her own childhood were too obvious to ignore. It was a bitter reminder of the farm she'd once called home on Turkana.

Tasha had found a home and love there.

They didn't have much. And it didn't last long.

Yet she enjoyed playing shinty with her adoptive brothers. They would make her toys like bone whistles and flower crowns.

She even had a little rag doll of her own – until violence had ripped that from her too.

"This belonged to someone. And it was probably very dear to them," Tasha said.

It was obvious Richard had touched on a nerve.

"Maybe she's our guardian angel?" Richard suggested.

He set the doll atop the rocks above their sleeping area.

"She can keep watch," Richard said.

---

Present

"We were stranded there for weeks," Castillo recalled. "Never knowing day to day if it would be our last."

Castillo paused and frowned.

"Hoping each day that there might be word of a Starfleet ship in orbit sent to look for survivors," Richard said.

Jean-Luc felt horrible.

"You should know, the political situation surrounding Narendra III prevented any Starfleet vessels from entering the area. It took weeks of negotiations before the Klingons agreed to allow a small science vessel into the area. In fact, it was the Trieste," Picard advised.

How strange it seemed now. Richard didn't want to dwell on what might have been. Yet he couldn't help but wonder – how different would things have turned out had they managed to evade capture for another day or two?

If only they had been capable of holding out until the Trieste arrived, they may have been spared all that pain.

Not that Richard expected that to make much difference for Tasha. He was certain that if the Trieste had shown up, Tasha would have run for cover in an effort to preserve the timeline.

---

2344 | Narendra

"Just over there. That ridge," Tasha said, pointing to the east.

They were lying flat on the frozen tundra. She handed Richard the binoculars so he could see for himself.

There in the distance was a small group. They had on Starfleet uniforms and were around what appeared to be a makeshift camp.

"I nearly missed them. Whoever's out there knows what they're doing to have made it this far," Tasha said.

She was impressed.

"I can't be certain from here. But I think that might be a few of the guys from the Gamma shift," Castillo said.

"Days are growing darker. I fear there will be worse weather to come," Tasha said.

It was difficult to tell on Narendra III. It was often so dark and the sunlight so bleak that one day seemed to blend to the next. But Tasha had been tracking the sunrise and sunset to try and get a sense of the seasons.

There had been a terrible squall a few weeks earlier. Lightning had lit up the sky as blizzard conditions battered down on the rocks above. The chill penetrated down to the bone. Even in their cave, Tasha and Richard had been forced to huddle together.

"If we are moving to a new season, then there's no telling how much colder it will get," Tasha went on. "You should make the journey tomorrow. Bring them back to the cave."

Tasha and Richard had searched for any sign of Enterprise survivors for weeks. They had previously found signs that pointed to the existence of others. This was the first time they had definitive proof.

"We'll go tomorrow then," Richard declared.

Tasha shook her head.

"You'll go tomorrow," she clarified.

Castillo's brow furrowed.

"It's best for you and them – and the timeline if you do this without me," Tasha added.

Tasha was worried her presence would further contaminate an already fragile timeline. They had sacrificed too much to take a false step now.

"What are you saying?" Castillo demanded.

Tasha gripped his hand.

"I'm saying it's time. You've found survivors. Your people. Now it's time for you to bring them back to the cave. You can hold out there together. There's strength in numbers," Tasha said.

"We'll need you," Richard said.

Tasha smiled in response – but it was a sad smile.

"I'll leave in the morning," she said. "We still have tonight."

Richard's face fell.

"We're always saying goodbye," he said.

---

It was too late for Castillo to set out that day. The march back to the cave was marked by an uncomfortable silence.

Dinner was also a tense affair. Richard had insisted Tasha eat and she had refused. He'd also implored her to see reason, to discuss this plan.

Only Tasha was steadfast in her resolve that this was the only way.

Much had changed in the weeks they were alone in that cave – including Tasha's animosity about survival.

Yet Tasha remained determined that there would be no chance of her leaving Narendra.

"We could stay," Richard suggested. "Build a place of our own right here in this cave. Learn to grow that rukesh."

Tasha chuckled as he snuggled up behind her and buried his face against her shoulder.

"Do you really want to be sleeping in this cave in a year? In ten?" Tasha asked.

Tasha looped her fingers through Richard's.

"In any case, you have a mother to be getting back to," Tasha said.

"She's going to love you," Richard said.

Tasha shifted, rolling onto her back so they could speak face to face.

"You know that can never happen," Tasha said.

"I can dream," Richard said, nuzzling her nose. "About you. And me. A little cabin nestled in the woods."

Tasha closed her eyes as he pressed a soft kiss just to the left of her mouth.

"You. Bed hair. My old flannel shirt. I'd make you breakfast," Richard went on. "And then I would carry you right back into my bed."

Tasha grinned as she pulled him down into a kiss.

---

Hours later they were lying awake. There was no sound save for the constant hum of the wind outside their cave and the occasional drip of condensation on the rocks.

"Go to sleep," Tasha whispered.

"You first," Richard replied without missing a beat.

Only Tasha didn't want to sleep.

In the morning, she was going to leave. There would be no more nights like this.

It was a terribly wonderful thing that she would meet Richard like this.

As divine as it was distressing.

In a way, Tasha was grateful that she had found Richard. Their circumstances were less than ideal - though Tasha cherished what they shared. It was like a small gift from the universe that she might finally know what it felt like to love someone.

And to be loved in return.

Yet it seemed so cruel that it would happen at the end of her life.

Tasha kicked herself internally for waiting so long to open her heart to the possibility of what it could feel like to share herself with another.

So, she didn't want to fall asleep. She wanted to hold onto that feeling of being safe in his arms for as long as she could.

"Please, you need to rest," Tasha urged.

"I'm not going to sleep because I know that as soon as I do, you're going to sneak out," Richard said.

Tasha had considered it – but couldn't bring herself to do it.

"No. I won't," Tasha replied in earnest. "I'll go tomorrow when it's light. After you've gone."

"You don't have to go at all," Richard urged.

Tasha rolled over and snaked her arms around Richard's torso. She buried her head against his chest.

"Yes, I do," Tasha said. "But we don't have to think about that now. I'll just slip away while you're out. You won't even miss me."

She laughed softly, covering how much it hurt to say that.

"It's like that old song," Richard said.

Tasha had no idea what he was referring to. She didn't understand most Terran cultural references.

"Softly. I will leave you softly. Long before you miss me," Richard crooned softly. "Long before your arms can beg me stay for one more hour."

It wasn't long before Tasha's breathing changed. She was fast asleep.

"Or more day," Richard sang, his voice barely above a whisper as he pressed a tender kiss against her forehead.

---

Their farewell had been less than stellar. Tasha didn't want to get too close for fear losing her resolve.

She knew deep down it was for the best – not only for the timeline but also for their limited supplies.

Head east. Keep the sun in front of you. You should be there by midday.

Richard had pleaded with her not to go. But Tasha had urged him to see reason. It broke his heart when she said goodbye.

She'd laughed and told Richard he would be a hero, that he would probably have a school named after him. As he marched along alone and angry, Richard kept replaying their final conversation.

You'll have women fawning over you. Tasha teased.

I don't want that. Richard replied.

Do me a favour? Tasha asked.

Richard would have gone to hell and back for her. But what Tasha requested was so much worse.

Forget about me. Please? Tasha requested.

And she had been serious.

Richard was crushed.

Richard had already known he would never forget about her. He'd be thinking of her every time he looked up at the stars. He knew then and there that she was going to haunt his dreams.

The whole conversation had left a bitter taste in his mouth. Richard was appalled. And in that moment, he was desperate to forget about her just so he could spare himself the pain.

With each step forward, Castillo's mind replayed the events of the last three weeks – the smile that had captured his attention, the ardent kiss on the transporter pad, the moonlit night where everything had changed.

When they had first met, in those early hours of flirtation and teasing, Richard had told Tasha that if she gave him the time, he would give her something to remember him by.

An hour you'll think about for the next twenty years. An hour you'll look back on in the twilight of your life that will make you ache for today.

At the time, he had only been half serious.

But now they had shared that moment.

It felt horribly unfair that Tasha would ask him to forget what they shared.

She had asked for gentleness and joy.

Love.

Only now those memories didn't feel bittersweet. They only felt wrong.

And it stung.

Richard didn't know how many people could truly fall in love in a matter of weeks. And he considered in the back of his mind that there was every possibility that it was fear and a reckless sense of abandon that had compelled them together.

But what they shared was more than just infatuation. And it wasn't just chemistry. Richard genuinely cared for Tasha Yar. He respected her.

He loved her.

Suddenly, Richard stopped.

They were as good as dead. Starfleet wasn't coming. There would be no rescue. And if they were dead, that meant the rules were different too.

Richard turned and rushed back toward the cave.

---

Tasha wiped her eyes as she tried to stay focused. Her goal was to put as much distance between herself and Richard as possible.

She was worried that she didn't have the strength to do what needed to be done. Tasha was resolved to remove all temptation.

She had taken no supplies – leaving everything including her prized knife behind to increase the survivors' chance of survival.

Tasha had a decent knowledge of the terrain thanks to their scouting efforts over the last few weeks.

She marched along with one goal in mind.

No bloody snacks. Tasha grumbled.

It was infuriating to head off on such a long hike without any provisions. However, Richard and the others would need every available calorie for the upcoming winter.

And it wasn't like Tasha needed snacks where she was going.

---

It took more than an hour to get back to the cave.

Richard dropped his day pack and rushed inside.

"Tasha! Tasha?" he hollered.

He scanned the main cavern for any sign of her. Their bed was unchanged since the morning. The makeshift cooking area sat untouched.

"Tasha?" Richard asked again as he approached the water.

Richard's blood pressure jumped. Panic started to rise along with the hair on the back of his neck.

He raced back out of the cave to search the immediate area. Richard grabbed his pack and set off.

From there, Richard put Tasha's survival lessons to good use. He climbed up to get the high ground and used his binoculars to scan the area for any sign of Tasha.

She was gone.

---

Tasha used her hand to shield her eyes from the brilliant reflection on the ice as she scanned the horizon.

Her shoulders slumped as she looked down at the frozen lake.

"I suppose it's as a good place as any to die," Tasha remarked.

In the weeks since the destruction of the Enterprise and those first few uncertain hours, Tasha had spent considerable time thinking about 'what if.'

But that was all a fantasy.

There would be no what ifs – no cabin, no romance, no cosy nights by the fire.

No tomorrows.

Tasha was grateful for the extra time. It had given her the chance to experience real love.

To think about just how she wanted to go – and how to reconcile that desire with her duty to preserve the timeline.

Tasha would smile at her own ingenuity were it not for the grisly reality of the task at hand.

She wanted to die under the stars, to hope that there was some possibility of an afterlife where she could exist free of the obligations of this one.

Tasha had resigned herself to the fact that such a belief might be nothing more than fantasy. But she wasn't going to knock it. It brought her peace in these final moments and that was worth something.

At first, she had considered burying her uniform to hide any evidence as to her origins. No doubt that someone would eventually stumble upon her remains. Her uniform and communicator could raise unnecessary questions.

Tasha had also considered burning her uniform – but that wouldn't solve the issue of the combadge.

Then one afternoon, they discovered a frozen lake.

It seemed only fitting.

As a girl, Tasha's grandmother had told her stories of the deity Sela and her great gold eagle, Nastasiyla, that had fallen from the sky in the fireball.

Tasha was named after that legend.

A massive crater lake stood on Turkana. It was frozen most of the year. Legend said that Nastasiyla flew out of that crater – reborn and forged in fire.

Tasha had loved that story as a child. It was one of her favourites.

She thought about that story as she rummaged through the frozen rocks along the shoreline, picking out the sharpest of the bunch to aide her plan.

And as Tasha waddled back across the ice hauling a massive rock – the biggest boulder she could carry – she recalled the way her grandmother would tell that story.

Taking one of the sharp rocks in hand, Tasha began to chip away at the layers of ice. She delivered blow after blow against the surface as she recalled long days harvesting korish root.

Whenever the days grew darker and there was frost in the mornings, her grandmother was sure to follow soon after.

And with her arrival came stories and simmering pots of stobtaingeil. It was a humble, root vegetable stew and a Turkanan delicacy.

It was freezing on Narendra, but all Tasha could think of was curling up by her grandmother next to the hearth and falling asleep to stories of Sela, her great golden eagle, and the mythical world of the old Turkanan divines.

Tasha threw her full weight behind the impact of each blow in an effort to break the ice.

Twenty minutes into her task, she had to pause for a break. At this rate, she wouldn't have the energy to flake.

By the time she finished cutting through the ice that she would want to do nothing but lie down and die anyways.

Tasha sat back on her knees to catch her breath. She put her hands on her hips and smiled while she surveyed the quiet beauty of the tundra and its clear view to the sky above.

Yes. This will do just fine.

---

"This is great. This is just great," Tasha grumbled aloud as she continued to chip away at the surface of the lake.

The sun was growing low on the horizon, and she hadn't made nearly has much progress as expected.

Her hands were bloody and bruised. There were blisters from the repetitive work. It had been hours since Tasha had last eaten or drank anything.

She was hungry, dehydrated, and exhausted.

Tasha furiously reassured herself that this was the right choice.

"This. Is. Great!" she huffed, hammering at the frozen lake with her fists.

The rock in her hand split from the impact. Tasha growled and threw it aside. She had burned through her supply. And in the sort of reckless thinking that came from despair, Tasha decided it would be a waste of time to replenish her tools.

Ice was better.

It wouldn't be nearly as painful as burning herself alive. And it was a safer option that trying to let exposure take her – less risk of discovery.

Probably faster too. Tasha realised.

The plan was to tie herself to the boulder and push it over the edge. They would sink together – ensuring that Tasha's corpse wouldn't float up to the surface.

She would die at the bottom of this lake, frozen under the surface. She would be visible, but just out of reach of the stars.

"Maybe I'll be reborn too?" Tasha panted.

Yeah. That would be just fucking brilliant.

A whole new life. Reborn just like that stupid golden eagle.

There was no one around to hear her scream at herself as she punched the ice. It was good thing her hands were frozen under her thin gloves because they were terribly bruised as Tasha worked out her rage.

"It's romantic! Fitting!" Tasha growled.

Suddenly, she stopped. It was too dark. She looked up at the last dying rays of the weak sun blazed against the line of the terrain.

Tasha scoffed, outraged.

She had missed her last sunset.

"I just wanted to see it," Tasha shouted at the sky.

One last time.

Her voice cracked. A small, ungodly noise escaped from her throat as she broke down and sobbed on the ice.

---

Richard Castillo tried to keep his panic in check as the last rays of the bleak Narendran sun died.

It would be completely dark soon. He didn't know the terrain as well as Tasha.

Richard had followed her footprints as far as he could. There wasn't much wind and that aided in tracking. Richard was grateful for any advantage he could find.

Sweating was dangerous. But something inside of Castillo urged him to keep going. He couldn't stop for the night.

He had a grim feeling that if he didn't find Tasha soon, he would never find her again.

---

Tasha wasn't sure how long she had sat there on the ice. She had lost track of time wallowing in the miserable circumstances of her life.

It was dark. The stars were up. It was a clear night.

A part of Tasha felt that she should be grateful for that small miracle. Another part of her mind screamed that life was cruel – that it was all wrong to be there alone on a frozen planet working so hard with the goal of facilitating her own death.

Not when there was someone that loved her.

Someone that happened to be stranded on the very same planet.

Stop. You don't get that. A little voice in the back of her mind said.

Tasha tried to push away those thoughts as she slammed her fist against the ice.

You don't deserve to be loved.

You don't deserve happiness.

Little girls from Turkana didn't get that.

Tasha didn't want to be ungrateful - she reminded herself that she had escaped Turkana and had gotten to experience Starfleet Academy. Her life was far from what one might call fulfilled.

Yet for the last decade, she had clean water and a sonic shower. There was a warm bed and meals. She occasionally went to poker games with Lieutenant Commander Data and the other officers.

It was life on the edge of a war zone, but it wasn't all terrible.

And she had gotten the chance to experience love and gentleness and joy once before she died.

Tasha took a breath. Her face was warm. She fanned herself and blinked back tears. It would do no good to cry out here. That would only succeed in making herself feel more miserable.

Tasha raised her fist in the air and brought it down again, pouring everything she had into it.

There was a great crack that echoed across the lake. Tasha scrambled back from the edge. For a few seconds she sat there. Her chest was heaving as she caught her breath.

Tasha crawled back toward the edge and peered down into the black, inky waters below.

"Ha! Ah ha!"

Tasha threw her hands up in the air as she squealed with delight.

Suddenly, the full weight of her task overtook her body. Tasha slumped back down.

Her shoulders ached from being hunched over. Her arms were sore from the work. It had been ages since she'd stretched her legs.

Her mouth was parched, and Tasha's lips were chapped and painful.

Now or never. She told herself.

She scrambled for the boulder and secured it around her leg with a tight knot. A length of rope was the only thing Tasha had taken from the cave.

With a great groan, she started the arduous task of pushing it toward the water.

---

Richard was running along when he stopped. He thought he had heard something.

Was someone out there?

They weren't alone on Narendra and there was every possibility he might stumble upon some Klingon or Romulan survivors.

The wind had picked up and was howling now.

But Richard could have sworn he'd heard a noise.

He had followed Tasha's footprints all the way across the frozen moor, past a rock they had dubbed 'the old man,' and down through rough, hilly terrain.

There was nothing out this way except for a great, frozen lake.

They had found some brush and small trees. The trees were more like shrubbery due to the tundra climate. They were barely two feet tall.

But it would provide limited lumber if Richard was stuck on Narendra for the long haul.

Richard strained his ears for any sound.

He scanned the surface of the lake below and then back again. In the distance, he could just make out a figure in the dark.

"Tuula!" Richard shouted.

---

Tasha stood at the edge the hole in the ice. One more kick and the boulder would go – taking her along with it as they sunk together to the bottom of the lake.

The ice would freeze over again in short order, and it would be like she had never even existed.

Erased - just like the timeline we saved. Tasha realised.

"Tuula!"

Tasha squeezed her eyes shut. She had to be imagining things. The wind and darkness were playing tricks on her.

Tasha reasoned that her own lack of courage had allowed despair to take hold. Her mind was trying to fool her out of following through.

Tasha had been alone in the wilderness before on Turkana. She knew that isolation could lead one to think of strange things.

"Tuula!" Richard repeated as he sprinted after her.

Tasha clenched her fists. She gritted her teeth and took a deep breath.

"Tasha!" Richard repeated as he drew closer.

Tasha turned and saw Richard running toward her.

Yep. I've officially cracked. She thought.

The cold was manipulating her thoughts. Now she wasn't just hearing things – she was seeing them too.

"I won't leave you. I can't leave you. You're my only bit of sunshine in this godforsaken place," Richard confessed.

Tasha didn't care if it was hallucination. She was glad he was here, that she didn't have to die alone.

"I really did love you," Tasha whispered.

It was the last thing she said before she kicked the boulder into the water.

Richard gripped her arm.

In the split second before she went over, Tasha realised he wasn't a figment of her imagination. She tried in vain to hang on.

"Hold on," Richard urged.

But it was no use.

Tasha slipped from his grasp and into the icy waters below.

Richard wiped the sweat from his brow and dove in after her.

---

Richard burst back through the hole in the ice with a mighty gasp for air. His lungs were on fire.

With skill obtained from years of winters spent outdoors, he flattened his body and pulled himself onto the ice. It was thick and there was little risk of his bodyweight crushing back through.

It was like an out of body experience as he dragged her full dead weight onto the ice. Tasha had panicked when she'd gone under. She inhaled the icy water and had lost consciousness soon after.

Castillo shivered uncontrollably as he felt for a pulse. He was shaking too hard to properly tell, but he didn't think there was one.

The heel of his hand dug into her chest as began to administer chest compressions.

Focus. Richard told himself.

It was so cold. His fingers lost feeling as he counted.

After two minutes, he paused. There was no movement. She wasn't breathing. Richard's head emptied as he stared at her lifeless body.

All of his field medic training left his head.

Surely this couldn't be the end. He hadn't come all this way to watch her die on the ice.

Richard pinched her nose and breathed warm air into her mouth, praying to any gods awake at this hour that it would be enough to save her.

After two breaths, he checked for any sign of life.

"Please don't leave me," he grunted as she resumed pressing on her chest.

Tasha spluttered as the brackish lake water was ejected from her lungs. Richard turned her head to the side, holding it there to help her get it all out.

She gasped and coughed, her eyes watered as she came back to the world.

Tasha didn't have a chance to get her bearings. Richard grabbed her arm and used the ice to slide her body across the lake toward the shoreline.

He had only minutes or they would die together under these stars.

He unceremoniously deposited Tasha on the ground and then fell to his knees. Castillo rummaged through his sopping wet pack in search of a device he'd only recently learned to use.

"Stay with me. No, you don't," Richard said, slapping Tasha's face to keep her alert.

Tasha stared at the sky, completely dazed. Her eyelids grew heavy as Castillo fumbled to start a fire.

The flame sparked. Richard gently blew on the glowing kindling as he threw all the nearby brush on as kindling.

There was a small crackle as it lit, a lonely light in amongst the darkness of the tundra.

---

Tasha could smell campfire. The distinct pop and crackle that accompanied burning wood as the pockets of trapped steam were released filled the air.

There was something soft and warm against her skin. She recognised the feel of the fur blanket they had taken from the farmhouse.

In addition to the blanket, Tasha was lying atop someone that felt warm.

"It's me," Richard whispered, tightening his grip as Tasha stirred.

Tasha was tense. She tried to look around but found she was trapped – quite literally pinned against his body between the weight of the heavy fur and his embrace.

"There she is," Richard grinned as Tasha glanced up. "I was starting to grow worried. You were unconscious for nearly twenty-four hours."

They were back in the cave.

It had been a brutal night. Once Richard had got a fire going, he'd stripped off their clothes and used some of the brush as makeshift drying racks.

Tasha had been unconscious through it all while Richard had shivered in the dark. When it was safe enough to move, he'd hauled arse to get her back to the safety and warmth of the cave.

He'd held her in the warm water, keeping Tasha's head above the surface to keep her heart warm. Eventually – and in desperate need of sleep himself – they had settled in under the blankets.

"What were you thinking? You could have died," Richard scolded in a soft voice.

"That was the plan," Tasha replied in a raspy voice.

"You really frighten me sometimes," Richard admitted.

He clutched her back, wordlessly conveying how grateful he was that Tasha's grand plans for death had been foiled again by his untimely arrival.

For once, she wasn't mad about it.

Tasha wasn't sure what to say. She felt smaller than she had ages. She barely reacted when Castillo kissed the top of her head.

They stayed like that in a tight embrace for some time as Tasha came back to the world. She was confused and struggling with a sense of misplaced guilt about the other survivors and the timeline.

"I'm not leaving you. We'll figure something out," Richard promised, planting a tender kiss against the top of her head.

---

Present

"She was determined to not disrupt the timeline," Richard explained.

"She's strong-willed," Picard offered.

"Stubborn," Castillo said with a smirk.

The two men shared a laugh.

"I do not mean to be indelicate. But I cannot help to wonder how you-"

Picard trailed off.

"I've known Tasha Yar a long time. Before she was on the Enterprise," Picard said.

Picard had only spent a few days with Castillo. But in that time, he had picked up on the same sense of duty. He shared Tasha's sarcastic wit.

He seemed to be a decent man with a good heart.

"What I'm trying to say is that she doesn't open herself up to people much – her affection doesn't come easy," Picard said.

Tasha was friendly with the crew and others. She cherished her close friends. But Tasha didn't like to get attached. It was easier in her job to keep a professional distance.

Richard laughed.

"No, it did not," Richard acknowledged.

"Then you had years together?" Picard asked.

Richard wanted to answer 'no.' They had fallen in love on Narendra. They had only had a few weeks.

Blissful weeks.

Yet it was all too short.

Only Castillo couldn't bring himself to admit that. He knew Tasha valued her privacy. And he didn't want to give the Captain the wrong impression.

"We didn't have as long together as we would have liked," Richard replied.

---

2344 | Narendra (weeks earlier)

Since discovering the stash of contraband at the farmhouse, Tasha had been on a mission to track down the smugglers.

Instead of success, their efforts led to a series of near-miss situations. They had barely avoided a group of Klingon survivors. Richard and Tasha had watched from a distance one morning as a Romulan landing party unloaded troops for a ground search.

Tasha and Castillo surmised that the Romulans were sweeping up any evidence of their involvement.

More evenings than not, Tasha spent her time in the corner fashioning sharp stakes from whatever she could find – an arduous task given the limited supply of wood.

Tash had spied the tracks of large animal and was concerned they may be lodging in its hibernation spot. At best, they might find something edible. At worst, they might have to face off against a predator.

Their run-in with a lone, terrified Romulan survivor could hardly be classified as a win for diplomacy. They'd found him half-frozen and scared from weeks of isolation. Their efforts to talk had only led to a struggle ending in bloodshed.

Tasha had dispatched the larger, stronger opponent with precision and speed – just like at the farmhouse.

And just as she had been withdrawn and terse following that encounter, she was distant once more.

They had left in a hurry for fear of attracting unwanted attention. Tasha and Richard had little to one another on their way back.

As soon as they felt safe enough to take a break, Richard and Tasha paused. He unscrewed the cap of his canteen and offered it to Tasha.

Only she was distracted by something in the distance.

Richard turned to see the skyline was dark. He glanced down at the timepiece on his wrist and frowned.

"It's too early," he said.

They had observed the days growing shorter. But it was barely 11:00 hours. They should still have had a few hours of sunlight.

"We need to get back. Now," Tasha warned.

She tightened her pack and took off running at a wicked pace. In spite of his long legs, Richard had a difficult time keeping up.

"Yar? Yar, slow down!" he called after her.

"If we don't make it before that storm hits, I don't think we stand much chance out here," Tasha hollered.

She didn't trust their ability to find the cave again and was worried they would freeze to death in the rain.

---

It had started as rain.

Then it froze.

By the time they had stumbled into the cave – frozen and stiff – snow had already begun to accumulate.

Richard stood at the edge in awe as he watched the thick flakes fall from the sky.

"You need to get out of your clothes," Tasha said through chattering teeth as she stripped off her wet gear.

"In a minute," Richard called back.

Tasha grumbled and rolled her eyes as she laid her clothes out to dry.

"Fine. Freeze to death," Tasha threw back.

"Aww come on! This is great. We get storms like this all the time back home," Richard said.

Black ice. Blizzards. It was all par for the course eight months of the year.

"You know we get dumped on something fierce when those storms come off the lake," Richard said. "We might have to dig ourselves out in the morning if this doesn't let up."

Tasha scrambled under the blankets of her bed and shivered.

The minute Castillo turned back, she clutched it tight around her shoulders – all the way up to her neck.

A crack of thunder rippled overhead.

"Are you afraid of storms?" Richard asked.

"No!" Tasha snapped as she rubbed her arms for warmth. "I'm f-f-freezing."

"It's alright if you are," Richard assured her as he stripped away his wet uniform.

He rang it out before tossing it against a nearby rock.

"You need to lay it out, so it dries properly," Tasha said. "You'll have a wet ball of clothes if you leave it like that."

Tasha scowled as he kicked his boots off without a care.

"Put them upside down by the fire. Do you want to muck around in squishy boots? What if we have to bug out?" Tasha pressed.

"Yes, mother," Castillo replied with a smirk as he set them up.

Another loud boom of thunder echoed above the rocks. Tasha closed her eyes and rested her head back.

"It is okay if you're afraid. I didn't mean to poke fun. When I was little I was always terrified of thunderstorms," Richard explained.

"I happen to enjoy them," Tasha said in a terse voice.

She opened one eye and shot him a look.

"Usually," she added.

Richard threw back his head and roared with laughter as he nestled down under his own bed across from her.

---

They sat in silence for a while as the storm raged above. There was something soothing in listening to the roaring fire in the midst of the squall.

"I like storms too," Richard said after a while. "At least, I do now."

He paused and smiled as he recalled a memory.

"My mum always uses the time to get caught up. You know, meals for the freezer?" Richard said.

Tasha blinked in confusion.

"You can't really do much outside when it's like this. And there's no going into town," Richard explained. "So, we'd put on old records and she'd make a big batch of chilli. Lasagna. Venison pasties."

He sighed as he reminisced.

"Popcorn balls this big," he said, holding out his hands. "And then mum and I would settle in and watch the storm. Munch on homemade pickles."

"Pickles?" Tasha asked, perking up.

As Richard shared stories from home, Tasha glanced up at the top of the cavern. There was a crevasse over the water that led straight up to the sky. It was only big enough for moonlight – none of which was getting through in the storm.

The wind howled as it whipped along the rocks, sending an eerie noise down into the cave.

There was nothing they could do but ride out the storm.

"Why did you leave Turkana?" Richard asked suddenly.

He had been curious ever since the incident at the farmhouse.

"It's just.. people don't leave Turkana IV," Richard said.

Starfleet warned ships off getting too close. They were under strict orders not to interact with any vessels in the vicinity of Turkana IV.

Tasha laughed.

"People leave all the time as privateers. Or prisoners. Mercenaries. Smugglers. Sex work," Tasha rattled off. "People just don't leave to join Starfleet."

"Except you," Richard pointed out.

Tasha fell silent.

"Come on, throw me a bone. We're stuck here," Richard said with a nonchalant shrug.

Tasha turned her head back and stared across the firelight – almost as if she was debating about opening up.

"No," she said softly, settling down into her blanket.

"I won't make fun of you. I promise. Scout's honour. I just want to talk," Richard explained.

"I know," Tasha replied.

She sighed as she studied his face.

He opened his mouth to protest, but Tasha cut him off.

"You're a nice boy. You like to listen to old records with your mother. You love her very much and you miss her," Tasha explained.

All he'd done was talk about their memories together. He had shared how close they were. His father had never wanted to be part of his life and Lucia had raised Richard on her own.

Sure, he was a bumbling idiot at times. He liked to flirt – but he was flustered and red whenever they were close.

But most importantly, he was kind. He'd respected her wish that they forgo the obvious chemistry between them because Tasha wasn't ready to unpack her own trauma.

Yes, Richard Castillo was a good man.

And Tasha felt she didn't deserve his attention.

He would run for the hills if he knew half of what she'd done.

"You're a nice boy," Tasha said as she turned away. "And girls from Turkana eat nice boys alive."

It was said as a jest. Yet there was a hint of sadness in her voice. Richard suspected she was projecting confidence in order to avoid confronting her own feelings on the matter.

---

"This is like the ice storm we had in '28. I was just a kid," Richard said. "Our power generator went out. Mum and I were lucky we always kept an old wood stove too. Got us through."

He remembered being huddled in the living room with his mother in long underwear and under a mountain of blankets as they tried to stay warm until the storm passed.

"And how long did that storm last?" Tasha asked.

"Overnight. Then we had about half a day of good weather to dig out before we did it all again," Castillo recalled.

They were three days into the blizzard, and it showed no signs of stopping. Like everything else on Narendra, it seemed even the weather wanted to kill them.

Because they had no way of knowing how long it might last or if this was the start of winter, Tasha and Richard had decided to start strict fuel rations.

Outside of limited cooking, they were relying on the natural heat from the rocks and the hot spring to stay warm. The temperature had dropped so low that the chill had penetrated the cave.

Richard and Tasha were huddled next to one another under everything they had for warmth – blankets, thermal emergency wraps from the med kit, and even some of the frayed Klingon clothing Tasha had snagged from the farmhouse.

It wasn't sufficient.

Richard could barely feel the tips of his fingers. Even with his boots and two layers of thick socks, Richard's toes were numb.

"Alright. Enough of this," Richard said.

Tasha hissed as he kicked off the blankets and leapt to his feet. Her jaw dropped as Richard began rummaging through their supplies.

"Whoa! What are you doing?" Tasha said.

Her voice jumped an octave as Richard popped the cork off a bottle of Saurian brandy. He smirked as he cut open one of the ration packs followed by cracking a jar of apricot jam.

Richard didn't think Tasha was even capable of making noises like that as he dove into the tinned cheese.

"That is… what do you-"

Tasha was nearly apoplectic. Richard choked back laughter as he watched her face turn purple.

"You will not live through the winter if you-"

She paused and flung her hand in the air as Richard tipped his head back and drank straight from the bottle.

"That is the only thing we have to barter for your passage out of here!" Tasha roared. "Never mind if you get injured and need to disinfect a wound!"

"Have a biscuit," Richard said, offering the pack.

Tasha glared.

For weeks she had carefully rationed the supplies. She starved herself by only living on what little she could scrounge up on Narendra while reserving the preserved food, ration packs, and most of the edible material she managed to scavenge for Castillo.

It was all part of an effort to ensure he could hold out until rescue came.

Richard had never asked Tasha to do that. She had stubbornly insisted it was only right. He felt guilty every single time he put a spoonful in his mouth.

"Please?" Richard asked.

For a moment, it looked like her resolve might falter. Tasha quickly composed herself.

"No," she said, turning back to her spot under the blankets.

Castillo took a swig of the brandy. He wasn't sure if it was the storm or the liquor – but he felt an unusual surge of confidence.

"Look, I get that you think you're doing what's right. That for whatever unfathomable reason you feel the need to be a hero – but I don't want you to suffer and starve," Castillo said.

Richard still hadn't figured it out.

"We're probably both going to die in this frozen hell," he went on. "I'd like that time to be enjoyable. Did you ever have fun? Let your hair down a little?"

Tasha didn't respond.

"It's me! Your buddy at the end of the world. There's a wicked storm out there. For all we know this might be the start of winter. And on this planet I wouldn't be surprised if it lasted another twenty-five years," Richard teased.

Tasha chuckled and Richard was relieved he'd managed to get a laugh out of her.

"Have some brandy," he said, pushing the bottle toward her.

"I really shouldn't," Tasha said in a much softer voice. "But you should. I'm sorry I've been-"

"Acting like the self-appointed high chancellor of the cave?" Richard finished for her.

They both laughed.

"Oh, it's alright," Richard said as he sat back down next to her. "I never would have made it this far without you."

He paused to study her face.

"I am grateful you are here. I haven't said it enough, but I really am," Richard confessed.

He lifted his bottle to her.

"To you, Natasha Yar. My saviour," he toasted.

Tasha just rolled her eyes. Castillo responded by leaning in close and wiggling the pack of biscuits in her direction.

"No," Tasha said.

Suddenly, Castillo was struck with a thought.

"You just wait right there," he said.

Tasha's eyebrows shot up as she heard the tell-tale pop of a jar crack open.

When Richard returned, he had the lone jar of pickles with him – which he offered to Tasha.

She wanted to cry. Tasha took hold of the jar and blinked back tears.

"I mean it. Thank you," Richard said.

Tasha froze as he kissed her cheek.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "My mum always uh-"

Richard turned to face forward and pressed himself back against the rock as he cleared his throat.

"It's alright," Tasha said as she rested her head against his shoulder.

She was so tired. Every fibre of her body was cold. She ached from the backbreaking work of gathering supplies, foraging for food, and mucking about through rough terrain.

Richard bit back a grin when Tasha reached for the bottle of brandy – swiping it right from his hands. She took the world's smallest swig before handing it back.

The brandy burned in all the right ways.

Richard waved Tasha off, pushing the bottle back toward her.

"I really shouldn't," Tasha said.

"Light drinker?" Richard asked.

Tasha snorted.

"Hardly. I could drink you under the table," Tasha replied without missing a beat. "I just usually drink alone."

Richard glanced around the cave.

"I don't see anybody else here. This is about as alone as it gets," he remarked. "And I won't care if you vomit or dance or if you want to sing all one hundred and eighteen verses of the United Federation of Planets unity song."

"I only know twenty-three," Tasha said. "That's all that's left."

War had that impact.

"What's it like?" Tasha asked.

"Hmm?" Richard asked before passing the bottle back.

"What's it like? Travelling the stars. Going on missions of discovery. Scientific surveys. Meeting new allies," Tasha went on.

Richard then remembered that she didn't know that life. Tasha's experience in Starfleet had been radically different from his own.

"We fly," he responded warmly.

Tasha relaxed and closed her eyes.

"You know I once saw a pod of Denebian cnidarians hatch. They're like jellyfish that glow. In space," Richard described.

---

As the storm raged on, Tasha slipped into a hazy headspace while Richard told her all about his adventures in Starfleet.

She felt warm and fuzzy in the glow that came with a belly full of brandy.

The burn felt nice. It chased away the chill.

"I always knew I wanted to be a pilot since before I could remember," Richard shared. "What did you want to be when you grew up?"

"Alive," Tasha answered without hesitation.

Richard laughed.

Tasha didn't.

Castillo frowned as he glanced down at Tasha. She looked up and met his eyes, wordlessly conveying that she was entirely serious.

"I never thought I'd live this long," Tasha confessed.

Richard didn't know what to say.

"When I said I didn't think I'd live to see twelve - that wasn't hyperbole," Tasha said.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Richard offered.

There was a brief pause.

"How long have you got?" Tasha asked.

Richard's face softened.

"I don't see the storm letting up anytime soon," he replied.

Tasha snorted.

"That was the answer," she clarified.

Tasha sat forward and stretched. She felt good.

Really good.

Without warning, she stood up and strolled down toward the water – tossing aside her boots and socks.

Castillo instinctively averted his eyes. He spied the nearly empty bottle on the ground.

Tasha had polished off most of that bottle by herself while he sipped on Andorian ale.

The only thing she'd eaten in twenty-four hours were a few pickles. Tasha had drunk nearly double Richard's own consumption and she'd done so on an empty stomach.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Richard called after her.

Tasha's uniform hit him a moment later.

Doing his best to keep his eyes low, Richard made a beeline for the water. It wasn't terribly deep – just enough to stand in. But he was concerned she might get hurt.

Tasha hissed as she dipped her toe into the hot water. The steam felt wonderful.

"I really think you ought to come out of there before you do yourself a mischief," Richard advised.

Tasha giggled as she slipped into the water.

"What happened to your devil may care, we might die, last night on Earth attitude?" Tasha asked as she swam around. "Get drunk. Go out with a bang."

"Tasha, please," he said.

She dove back into the water, relishing her newfound freedom from responsibility. A moment later emerged and slipped on one of the rocks – giggling as she lost her footing.

With a grumble of protest, Richard lifted his head.

"Please get out of the water," he requested.

"It feels nice," Tasha said.

She pouted.

"Oh, come one. You know you want to," she teased.

Richard froze.

"I'm not trying it on. We've been sharing a toothbrush for the last few weeks. I think we're capable of swimming around without it going anywhere," Tasha said.

"Right," Richard replied in a tight voice.

Typically, they tried to give one another privacy while bathing or washing their clothes. The cave was certainly big enough. As long as one wasn't entering or exiting at the moment, they could easily wait behind the rocks in the main living area while the other tended to their personal hygiene needs.

Richard turned around and stripped off his uniform and socks. He carefully ducked behind a rock to slip out of his shorts and then snuck into the water.

Tasha was in her own world, resting against one of the flat rocks.

There was a time Castillo would have loved nothing more than to slip into this steamy water with her. But in these circumstances, he felt only pity and concern.

He chose a space as far as possible from Tasha's position and sank down into the water until it reached his chin. It didn't offer much cover. The water was astonishingly clear. But it felt like he could preserve a modicum of dignity that way.

Tasha dipped below the water and emerged a moment later. Richard kept his eyes above her shoulders as Tasha shook the water out of her hair and grinned.

"You're all talk til you've got your trousers down," Tasha said as she floated toward him.

She moved close and Castillo's hand shot out to stop her before she could close the distance between them.

Tasha's tongue darted out over her teeth as she eyed him like a cat that had cornered a mouse.

"I could really have gone for you, you know? Mmmm, these big shoulders," Tasha said as she ran her hands over them appreciatively. "And those curls."

She ran her fingers back through his hair and grinned.

"That stupid smile," she teased. "You don't know what it does to me."

Tasha dropped her voice.

"Those blue eyes," Tasha murmured as her lips ghosted next to his mouth.

"What are you doing here?" Richard asked.

Tasha laughed and stepped back.

"Enjoying a soak," Tasha replied innocently.

"No. I mean what are you doing here? In the past. On this planet," Richard clarified.

"That's a great question for the Romulans that shot up your ship," Tasha said, dodging his question.

Her speech was slurred. Her eyes were glazed.

"Why did you come back?" Richard pressed.

Tasha smirked and reached for a fresh bottle of brandy. Richard wasn't exactly sure where she produced it from, but she must have snagged one on her way down to the water when he wasn't looking.

She took a long drink.

Castillo tensed as she moved in close, resting her forehead against his own.

"Because – and this is going to sound ridiculous but it's one hundred percent true," Tasha prefaced with great effort.

She dropped her voice to barely above whisper.

"I'm already dead," she said.

Tasha laughed.

"Gone! Poof! Like I never even ess-isted," she slurred.

Tasha eyed him as she took another drink.

"I know. I know," she said, waving her hand. "You think that I must be absolutely out of my mind."

Richard wasn't exactly sure how to respond. He thought he had a handle on her line of thinking.

"I know you've said that you never expected to-"

"Shhhhh," Tasha said, pressing her fingers to his lips.

She stopped to take another drink break before continuing.

"No, I mean really dead. Like forever," Tasha insisted.

She sighed and tried her best to put on her Security face – the one said she meant business. It hardly had the same impact when she swayed in the water.

Tasha had never seen Guinan spooked by anything.

"And I got this funny feeling I couldn't shake. Like walking through a dream where everything seems real, but you know it isn't," Tasha said.

She swallowed back a wave of nausea at the thought.

"So, I asked the question. And I still don't know if I should have," Tasha said in a strange, faraway voice.

Tasha bit her lip and fell back on her sense of humour – a device she used whenever she was afraid.

"And best of all – you'll love this – not only am I already dead, my death was completely meaningless!" Tasha said with celebratory sarcasm.

Richard's heart broke as he listened to her forced laughter. She wasn't making any sense – but that didn't matter. Clearly Tasha was emotionally impacted by this sense of being dead.

"And when your life has been fuck all anyways it sort of seems fitting," Tasha said.

She raised her bottle.

"A worthless life and a meaningless death. It's almost like I never existed," Tasha said. "May have been better if I hadn't? I mean, what am I even doing here? What was it all for – just to be another bloody mouth to feed?"

She laughed and shook her head.

"One for the sil-osophers I guess," Tasha said. "I suppose I shouldn't say that. I had a purpose."

Her face fell, lost in thought.

Richard opened his mouth to speak. While drinking straight from the bottle, Tasha put a finger to indicate her rant wasn't finished.

"And you know what I think is the most pathetic of all of this? What's even worse than hopping a doomed ship back through time?" Tasha asked.

Richard shook his head.

She blinked back tears and put her bottle down.

"You think I did this all out of the goodness of my heart or because of some sense of duty, don't you?" Tasha asked.

She traced her fingers along the surface of the water, watching as they glided back and forth.

"But I'm exactly what I said. I'm a monster. And I have done so many terrible things in the name of Starfleet and for myself that even this can't even begin to make up for it," Tasha confessed.

With her free hand, Tasha cupped his face.

"You're a good man, Richard Castillo," Tasha said. "And that's why I want to get you out of here. That's why I have to get you off this planet."

She flashed him a sad smile.

"I wanted to die on that ship. But now that I'm here, I understand. I've come to hell. I'm meant to be here," Tasha said. "It's penance."

Tasha leaned in close, her lips hovering just above Richard's.

"And maybe… just maybe I'm here for you," she whispered.

For a brief moment, he thought she might kiss him.

Then she pulled away.

"To get you out of here," Tasha said.

She sniffled and wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"It's why I don't deserve your kindness. Why I'm not worthy of your affection," Tasha said in a hushed voice. "I'm sorry for leading you on. I just-"

Her lip began to quiver.

"It was nice to think for a little while that I could have that from someone like you," Tasha concluded.

It was nice to be desired by someone that was interested in her and not in taking advantage of her.

Richard was stunned. He didn't know how to separate what was real and what was the alcohol speaking. He was so shocked by this admission that he didn't notice Tasha set the bottle aside.

"I'm sorry," she murmured as she gripped the back of his neck.

Her lips grazed against his face. She bit down on his lower lip.

"I just wanted, for once in my life-"

Richard retracted his hands, holding them tight against his own body to put a fraction of distance between them.

"I wanted to know what it was like," Tasha whispered.

Castillo squeezed his eyes shut.

He thought of the cold, the sound of his Astronomy professor's grating voice - anything but Tasha's very wet, very aroused body pawing at him.

"I wanted to know what it felt like to share my body with someone," Tasha went on.

"Well, I think we're close enough," Richard squeaked.

Tasha rocked against him as she nibbled at his neck. A part of Castillo wanted to grip her shoulders to stop her – but his arms were the only thing standing between Tasha and her end goal.

"To lose myself in the moonlight," Tasha husked.

Richard swallowed.

"Shame there's no moonlight," he replied, trying to put her off.

"To make love," Tasha said.

Alarm klaxons went off in Castillo's head. Tasha had insisted she wasn't a virgin. She'd been quite testy when the subject came up once before.

In fact, he recalled she was unusually defensive.

Richard didn't want to be rude. But he wasn't about to take advantage of Tasha. She was intoxicated and emotionally compromised.

He also didn't want to seem harsh. He didn't know how she might handle rejection in such a state – especially if this was her first time.

Richard recognised it had taken a lot for her to open up. She felt safe. She trusted him. And Richard couldn't take advantage of that.

At least this can't get any worse. Richard thought.

Before he could politely find a way to separate himself, Tasha captured his lips in an ardent kiss. Castillo was momentarily stunned. It was similar and yet so different from the kiss they had shared on the transporter pad.

And the one in the escape pod.

That's it.

Tasha whined as Richard gripped her shoulders.

"We can't do this," he declared. "I won't do this."

He grabbed Tasha's arm and pulled her toward the edge.

"We're getting out of the water. Now," Castillo ordered.

"Is it too hot?" Tasha teased.

Richard sighed, exasperated.

"You don't want to do this, Tasha. You've been drinking."

He was at his wit's end trying to find something to occupy her.

"Please," Tasha said as she pressed herself against him. "I want you. And I know you want me too."

Richard bat away her hand as she reached for a sensitive portion of his anatomy.

"I promise I know how to make it feel good for you," Tasha growled.

She dropped to her knees and nuzzled against his thigh.

"I could make it feel so good for you. I can help you get started-"

Castillo jumped back.

Tasha decided a different approach might be necessary. She reached for Richard's hand and twisted her fingers through his own, kissing the back of his wrist as she gazed into his eyes.

"Just once before I die I'd like to make love. I want to know what it feels like to.. to have sex because I want to," Tasha said softly. "Not because I have to. Not because you want to take advantage of me."

Tasha glanced up at Richard.

"I've had to give so much of myself. So many men that I never wanted to… I've never had anyone to share that experience with. To really share," Tasha pleaded. "This time I want to… for me."

She may have felt confident. But to Castillo, she looked wounded.

"Oh my God," Richard breathed as realisation dawned on him.

Tasha sniffled and thumbed away her tears.

"It's different with you. I don't have to. I have a choice. You don't see me as property," Tasha went. "You see me as a person."

Richard gripped her shoulder. He wanted to offer physical reassurance but was hesitant to get too close.

"I know you'll stop if I ask you to," Tasha sobbed. "I just want to know what it feels like to have gentleness and joy."

She took a shaky breath.

"I want to know what love feels like between two people. The way it's supposed to feel," Tasha shared.

"Come," Richard said, guiding her out of the water.

---

Tasha was disappointed as Richard tucked her into bed – with himself firmly on top of the covers.

She blinked up at Richard, wordlessly trying to convince him to join her under the blankets. He caught her wrist and frowned as she tried to reach for him again.

"I know how to make men feel good," Tasha murmured.

"Please don't," Richard asked.

"I know what you're thinking. But I'm clean," Tasha assured him. "I've had Starfleet medical care for years. And I haven't been with anyone in thirteen years."

Tasha hadn't let anyone get close since her freshman year at Starfleet Academy.

"That doesn't sound right," Richard remarked, trying to add it up in his head.

He chose to let the comment slide. After all, Tasha was intoxicated.

"But that doesn't mean I don't know how," Tasha purred. "Turgon said I was the best slut he ever owned. He never sold me to another. I was too valuable."

"Yar, please go to sleep," Richard urged.

He hoped the use of her surname would put some professional distance between them.

"Please don't call me that," Tasha begged.

"Yar, I just want to-"

"Don't call me that," Tasha pleaded. "I never wanted to be a Yar. It's really unfair. I was just a child."

Tasha flopped onto her back, breathing hard as the cave began to spin.

"Nastasiyla."

It fell from her lips before she could stop herself.

"Nastasiyla. Call me, Nastasiyla," Tasha said.

It felt strange on Richard's tongue – foreign, yet beautiful.

"What does it mean?" Richard asked.

"It's my name," Tasha shared. "My name before. I never let them take that."

Richard rolled over to the side and stroked her hair.

"Go to sleep, Nastasiyla," he said gently.

For a moment, Richard thought she had finally calmed down enough to move on from her awkward, drunken advances.

"Is it because I'm ruined? Too damaged?" Tasha asked softly.

In spite of her nonchalant attitude, the intrusive thought had always lingered in the back of Tasha's mind.

Richard closed his eyes and sighed.

Tasha groaned and reached for her forehead.

"I never should have told you. This is why I don't date. I can't… I never know what to say. How much information to share and then I wind up saying too much," Tasha said, rambling on.

Her past had always been an uncomfortable subject. And in a world where Starfleet was a militarised organisation on the brink of collapse, support for programmes like counselling and trauma care simply didn't exist.

There was no easy way for Tasha to talk about being a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

"I get it. How could you ever want someone that's been used by every unwashed fucking man on Turkana?" Tasha said with a bitter taste in her mouth.

"No," he replied in earnest as he stroked her hair the way his mother had done when he was ill as a child. "You're not damaged. You're not a monster. And I don't judge you for whatever you had to do in the past."

Tasha scoffed and rolled over.

"You don't have to pretend. I get it," she said.

"Yar – I mean Tasha… uh Nastasiyla," Richard stammered. "I'm not pretending. I'm worried about you."

"I get it," Tasha said in a cold voice.

Hot tears flowed freely as years of trauma poured out.

"I don't deserve you. How could you possibly want someone like me?" Tasha grumbled.

Tasha knew what she was. She was conditioned to believe she wasn't a person. It had been beaten into her as a child.

Her very surname was a daily reminder. She lived with it every single day, each time someone called her 'Lieutenant Yar.'

It was a fluke. The crew of the USS Renegade had made a mistake when they'd found Tasha. They assumed the label on her cage and identification on the mercenary cargo manifest was her name.

It had never occurred to them it was merely a designation.

And Tasha had been too humiliated to correct it.

She flinched as Castillo pet her hair.

He smiled.

"You are so lovely. And fierce. And sweet under all that armour," Richard said.

He longed to pull her into an embrace but refrained out of respect for Tasha.

"I do want you. But not like this," Richard said.

Tasha felt small and utterly humiliated as Richard settled for a short peck on top of her wet hair.

"I care about you. I want you to care about me too," he said.

Richard recognised that in that moment, Tasha needed a friend. She needed someone to trust – not a lover.

"And I don't want to be a regret," he concluded.