Chapter 38: The Scratch
Kara Simmons.
Joe stared at the name on the bottom of her list. Oscar Lahey, unknown Argent-hunter, Tucker Cornish, Sean Long, Jessica Bartlett and Kara Simmons. The last one was the girl killed during the rave. From what Joe could find when researching her online, she had been one of the producers of the rave itself. Maddy probably knew her; Kara hadn't been that much older than Maddy.
Too bad Joe already let Kelly know she wasn't going to attend that reunion dinner tomorrow. Just the thought of facing Alex after...no. Concentrate. Murders.
Tucker, Sean, Jessica and Kara were all the same age. Oscar Lahey was the obvious outlier, but she didn't know anything about the hunter. She thought Scott had said he was young though. Joe squinted at the screen and tried to ignore the car keys sitting on the desk next to her. If she put it of any longer, Derek would probably show up here himself to retrieve both keys and car. She was not ready to see him.
After driving her and Scott home the other night, she understood Derek's frustration when he tried to manouver her old Ford Fiesta in the same way he used the Camaro. Both were technically cars, but they were on completely different levels. Just like her and Derek.
Not what she was supposed to think about. Come on. Murder and mayhem happening here.
Ignoring Oscar Lahey, Isaac's dad, it meant that all the victims were young adults who had previously gone to Beacon Hills High. Using Scott's login information, she had checked the school's website and the records indicated they hadn't been in any shared classes. So the only common denominator was the school itself. Then she could include Oscar Lahey as well, because he'd been a teacher and coach there before he took over his parents' business with the cemetery. A business now sold off to a city-based firm, money probably going into a frozen account on Isaac's behalf.
Speaking of, what the hell was she supposed to say to him next time she saw Derek? After the Paige-thing, she had planned to apologize, but after the rave-thing it kind of felt like she wouldn't have to and after the clinic-thing she...had no idea anymore. Simple as that. He had saved Scott's life, was that worth overlooking whatever this Paige-thing was for the time being? It would be easy to find out more if she wanted. Because Derek and Jimmy both knew her, or had known, she would have been someone from high school. A quick search through the yearbooks would give her a last name and she could continue from there, look up public health records or newspapers. And she was not going to do that, she scolded herself. Whatever it was, she wanted to hear it from Derek.
Oh my God, Delgado, focus for ten seconds please!
Kanima. All victims were white, except for Kara, who'd been black. Another outlier. Or she thought, she did not know the ethnicity of the hunter. Joe groaned and rested her head back against the chair where she had slumped so far down she was nearly on the floor. Four males, two females. There was a pattern here, she just couldn't find it. And to make matters worse, when she called Sheriff Stilinski to request any news on that interview request, he let her know he was suspended. Stiles' constant brushes with the law apparently tipped the scales for the elected official.
When Derek said he wanted to talk about everything after everything, what had he meant? After the full moon or after the kanima was stopped? Would she be safe to go there today with the car or would it end in an uncomfortable heart-to-heart where he could essentially mind read her and she was reduced to jittery nerves? Maybe he would agree to have that conversation over phone. Not that she actually had his phone number and she couldn't help but wonder why. Had he not replaced the phone she broke?
Why was she still thinking about him? Focus!
Jessica was the only one killed directly by the kanima master, according to Scott's theory explained when they got home. Because Jackson himself had been 'born' after his mother's death, they theorized he was unable to go through with the killing and forced the kanima master to take matters into his or her own hands. That meant Jessica was definitely on whatever kill list this psychopath had, not just a bothersome witness.
She wanted to go up and talk to Jimmy. Wanted to pitch theories, make him help her think and concentrate. However, after the close call with the Argents, her stomach knotted itself at the thought. She had a feeling they were following her somehow, despite Chris' insistence they were not. Maybe they had someone watching her car... Joe's eyes fell on Derek's car keys. It was not an all-terrain vehicle. It was not even her car. Anyway, if the Argents were watching her car, they were definitely keeping an eye out for Derek's Camaro.
However...
"No, no way, definitely not!"
"Come on, Stiles, please," Joe said as she got dressed in outdoors clothes, not getting caught in the cold again. "I just need it for a few hours." He kept protesting and she decided to pull out the big guns. "You can have Derek's car in the meantime, take it back to the depot."
He fell quiet, very quiet. "Does he know about it?"
"No," Joe admitted, but figured it would not be a dealbreaker for Stiles. "Just...don't crash it and fill the tank. No big deal."
Stiles agreed. He came over and they exchanged keys, while Stiles went over all the special tricks she would have to pull of to even get the Jeep running. Joe eyed the wreck with some concern, but it had survived everything else so far. She made a deal with Stiles and Scott that they would deliver the Camaro directly to Derek's lair when they were done joyriding. Joe was quite pleased with that, killing two birds with one stone. She did not have the emotional capacity to see or talk to Derek right now.
It had taken a cold shower, plenty of sleep, and coffee for Joe to feel back to normal after the rave, and she still found herself daydreaming. About how he'd held onto her hips, how close their mouths had been, how hungry he had seemed. It was just...just a lot, you know, for one girl to handle, especially combined with everything else. Joe did not appreciate feeling like an animal in heat and wondered if she would have to resort to a spray bottle for herself.
The Jeep groaned and spat exhaust all the way up to the Preserve, but it never stalled and it seemed to take the bumpy roads better than her old Ford. When she reached the same spot where Jimmy kidnapped her the last time, she shut the engine off and marked the location on her smart phone's GPS. Gotta love technology. No shotgun, as he did not need to be reminded of that, but she brought the werewolf-mace, although the results when used on Derek had not been all that satisfactory. It was all she had though.
She had studied maps of the Preserve, triangulating from her car's position to the most likely cluster of mountains to have caverns. There were a couple of options, but she picked what seemed like the most secluded spot and headed in that direction. It was overcast, but the air warmed more up every day now when they were well on their way into spring. California did not have especially cold winters anyway. Not here for an ambush, Joe stopped within shouting distance of the mountain wall.
"Jimmy!" Her voice echoed back to her. No birds, she noted. No sounds except for her own voice. She was probably on the right path. "Jimmy!"
The rustling came from behind and Joe willed herself to remain still. No sudden movements. What did her father say about negotations? Calm. Open. Helpful. Joe flinched as something thumped heavily on the ground, but did not turn around.
"If you are interested to know," Jimmy's lower than normal voice came from some distance behind her, "you weren't followed. Apart from myself, of course."
"Can I turn around?" Joe asked, figuring she would try and stay on Jimmy's good side this time. She did need his help.
"You may."
He was back in the sunglasses, ski-mask and black turtleneck. Less bumpy though, shoulders big, but not so they surpassed the top of his head. Swole, she believed was the right word, like a bodybuilder on steroids.
"How've you been?" Joe asked, not knowing how to phrase the real question she wanted to ask. 'Are you on a murderous rampage using a revenge shapeshifting creature as your weapon?'
"The hunters failed to track me, if that's what you are asking," Jimmy announced and led the way towards a cluster of trees that hid the entrance to his cavern well enough. "You know, you are really failing the concept of secret hide-out here. It's meant to be secret."
"Yeah, it's been a problem point for me lately," Joe murmured, thinking of Derek's lair. Marginally warmer inside, Joe was glad she wore a thick turtleneck sweater underneath her jacket. As predicted, Jimmy went straight for his kettle and started making tea. She let her eyes travel over the sparse interior, noting several crates of canned food. Not living of bunny rabits then.
"What urgent questions do you need answered this time, Delgado?" Jimmy asked conversationally as he made them both tea. He handed her a cup on an actual saucer that Joe balanced on her knees while perching in a camping chair.
So many questions. Ranging from what happened to him that night, why was he working for Peter in the first place, how he was alive, why he looked like he did now, when was he coming back, who was Paige anyway and...
Joe cleared her throat. "There's a new string of murders." That at least got Jimmy's attention and she listed the victims as she had with Derek. No mention of what killed them, that wasn't important, the important part was finding the link. "They either went or worked at Beacon Hills High around when you-"
"Am I a suspect?" Jimmy mused through his mask and tilted his head. She only saw his beard when he lifted the mask to uncover his lips enough to drink his tea. Joe left hers untouched. His head tilted the other way, like a dog listening to a squeaky toy. "Your heartbeat is marginally sped up. Slight prespiration on your top lip, sign of increased adrenaline. Eyes steady though, not flickering. You're tense, but not scared. Are you here because you think I have something to do with the murders?"
"Not really," Joe mumbled and took a sip of her tea, using the opportunity to wipe the so-called perspiration off her lip. "I'm here because I'm stuck. I can't find the pattern."
"I'm flattered," Jimmy said, but without facial expressions it was impossible to judge his sincerity. "Have you already asked Derek?"
Joe took another big gulp of tea to cover her nerves. It apparently told Jimmy what he needed to know.
"Let me guess, he did not remember these names, did he? Self-absorbed does not begin to cover Derek Hale in high school. Does he know you're here, by the way? I can't imagine him approving a visit without supervision."
The question made Joe's stomach lurch uncomfortably.
"Supervision? Approve it?" Joe said slowly, almost dropping her cup to the ground as she got up from the chair. "Let's get one thing straight, okay? I don't need Derek's approval to do a damn thing! I'm me and he's he and we're two separate people with separate lives and I can make my own decisions, thank you very much. You know, that's my whole issue with this mate bullshit— apart from the serious concerns about consent and free will — but it's like I'm expected to follow Derek around like a lost puppy just because the frickin' moon meant we'd be a good match or whatever non-scientific bullshit you guys believe in!"
She paced in the small cavern kitchenette. Ranting, yelling, waving her arms around about how stupid this was, repeating herself over and over again.
"Like I get that he's an Alpha or the Alpha or whatever Alpha bullshit, but that doesn't make him the boss of me! I'm not automatically in his 'pack', right? Book says we should start our own pack and then he went and started one without me using seriously limited sense of judgment on turning these kids left and right who might not be all that bad after a good hundred hours of therapy sessions-"
To Jimmy's credit, he did not try and interrupt and drank his tea slowly, watching her kick up a small dust storm with her angry strides.
"And I have no idea what he wants anyway, because he's hot and cold and lukewarm and would it kill the guy to use more than two facial expressions? I'm not even sure the guy likes me! Like he came onto me at the rave, and sure I kept things going, but it's not like we're together and Alex was just being an asshole as usual and I don't know if he's jealous or if it was just physical or if he really doesn't care. And I'm spending so much of my time worrying about all of this bullshit instead of figuring out what kind of psycho serial killer is on the loose in Beacon Hills!"
Sound of rattling porcelain as Jimmy put his cup and saucer to the side. "Are you about done?"
Realizing just how hard she was breathing, Joe made an effort to get it under control. "Yes! I'm done."
"If I understood you correctly, you don't want to spend too much time talking about Derek — although I must say I'm amazed you have not copulated yet, because from what I know of the mate bond it is quite strong," the mask lifted as Jimmy presumably smiled, "but probably not a match against your strong will."
Joe made a disgusted face. "Copulated?"
"Semantics," Jimmy said with a dismissive wave of his gloved fingers. "My only advice here is that you have this talk with Derek, instead of me, although I would limit the number of times you repeat the word 'bullshit' as I counted at least thirteen instances in the last five minutes." Joe rolled her eyes — it was bullshit! Jimmy pretended not to notice. "Now, the murders."
"Yes! Thank you!"
"You are focusing on victimology alone, and not modus operandi I notice. Very well. Apart from the hunter, whose name is missing, all of the victims were a year ahead of me and Derek in high school. And, from what I remember, they were popular too. And, as an extent, assholes."
"Bullies?" Joe asked with crossed arms, trying not to let her suspicion show.
Jimmy seemed to consider this. "Mm, yes, but not exclusively so. More arrogant. You see, they were part of the first swim team from Beacon Hills to win state championship."
"Swim team..." Joe remembered the news article she found when researching Oscar Lahey. "And Lahey was the coach."
"Exactly," Jimmy said and sounded a bit pleased with himself.
"Swim team...and the kanima was afraid of the water," Joe murmured under her breath, realizing too late that Jimmy would be able to hear her. "Shit. Don't-"
"Kanima?" Jimmy repeated with reluctant fascination, but not like someone who had their whole secret exposed. "Oh dear. Who did Derek bite to achieve that?"
"How do you know it was Derek? Might as well have been Peter who did it," Joe defended on instinct, realized it was only on instinct and could imagine Jimmy's raised eyebrow somewhere behind the mask. "Okay, fine, it was probably Derek. This kid named Jackson Whittemore, captain of the lacrosse team."
Jimmy nodded solemnly, obviously in deep thought. "Goes to show that status does not warrant emotional stability." He drummed glove fingers on his crossed arms. "Vengeance creature, targeting the 2006 swim team. Apart from myself, do you have any suspects?"
"No." She sighed and shook out her curls, trying to get air directly to her brain. Figuring the game was up anyway, she told her the rest of what they knew about the kanima. This specific one, because Jimmy had a lot of knowledge on the rest. "So it's gotta be something connected to water, right? Swim team and a vengeance creature with aquaphobia."
"Someone really holding a grudge from losing the championship?" Jimmy suggested, but dismissed it himself immediately. "That does not explain the fear of water, I admit. I can't recall anyone actually dying in 2006 related to the swim team. Murder is the obvious blood revenge cause, so in theory-"
"The 2006 swim team collectively committed homicide?" Joe lifted her eyebrow and leaned on one hip. "Sounds like a massive cover-up job."
"Could be manslaughter," Jimmy said, but agreed with the rest of her statement. "I was in the school newspaper back then and I was pretty diligent about taking notes. I should have all the files back on my harddrive. I'm technically still on a digital detox, but I am willing to make an exception to solve this. A kanima on the loose in Beacon Hills is just bad news for humans and creatures alike. Give me a few days to look into it, I am just about ready with my..." He gestured to his concealed face and Joe did not know what to make of that.
"Thank you," she said instead. "Really. I mean it."
She turned to leave, but paused when Jimmy cleared his throat. He spoke slowly, almost as if rehearsed. "I know this was a visit driven by necesessity, but I am still honored you trust me enough to request my help. For what it's worth, I never intended to-"
"Shoot me?" Joe asked with a quirked brow. His faceless head revealed nothing and Joe just shrugged. "I have a feeling that shot came more from your issues with Peter than with me. Shooting me, or trying to, doesn't really bother me. The fact that you lied to me all that time does." She scuffed her boot into the bright sand that covered the ground inside the cavern. "Giving you a second chance here, Jim. If you want it."
"A few days," Jimmy promised, although his voice sounded thick. Joe hoped he wasn't shifting into a rage-filled monster again. "After the half moon. I'll contact you."
Using the GPS, Joe navigated back to the Jeep and left the covered up Jimmy alone in his cavern.
Hands on her hips, Joe surveyed the disaster. She had to stay calm. This was technically her fault. Technically technically it was Stiles' fault, but the responsibility ultimately ended up with her. What had she been thinking?
"So I swerved to avoid a pot hole, because it sits so low you know, but then the front wheel got caught in a tire track and then I swerved again and that's how-"
"You hit a stop-sign?" Joe asked incredulously, noting, but not appreciating the irony. Stiles made a large bodied motion of denial.
"I didn't hit a stop-sign. I didn't hit anything," he exclaimed and gestured wildly. "I sort of," he used his arms to indicate a fluid motion, "drifted against it." He did the same sideways swimming stroke a few times. "Drift. Not hit. Big difference."
The result was a large scratch in the paint job on the front of the Camaro. No bumps, but still a large wound on an otherwise slick and pristine vehicle. Joe dropped her head back, trying to think and avoid strangling Stiles at the same time.
"I said to be careful!" Joe let out a wail and bent down to see if the scratch looked any better up close. It did not.
"I was!" Stiles tried to shrink while giving her big puppy eyes. "I did fill the tank though."
So much for her plan of Scott and Stiles driving the car back to Derek. He would kill them. He would not kill her, she was sure of that much, but he might be sarcastic and disappointed with her. Which after the rave and vet clinic did not sound like a promising prospect. It was like they'd finally made some progress and she did not want to lose what little faith he had in her over a scratched paint job.
"You know, with some black markers and nail polish, I think we-"
"Oh my God, Stiles, no!" She got up from the fender to stare Stiles down. "The guy has literal infrared vision, he's gonna notice!" Under her breath, she muttered: "He's gonna smell the goddamn nerves when I get there. Ugh!" Worst part was, she was a good driver and now she had to claim responsibility for something as idiotic as what Stiles had managed.
They switched keys and Joe told Stiles to get lost before she changed her mind. Scott had wisely stayed out of this, only lingering behind Stiles to intercept if Joe got violent. When Stiles groaned and lamented about how it could have happened to anyone as he did all his tricks to get the Jeep running, Scott was left alone out on the curb with Joe and the damaged Camaro.
"Uh...I think I heard Mom call-"
"You get a free pass because you nearly died," Joe said evenly and Scott deflated.
"Oh thank God."
"On one condition."
"Oh God."
"Answer me honestly," Joe said and Scott squirmed under her gaze as the Jeep sped away. "Are you okay? Did you talk to Allison?"
"Yes and no," he said and shrugged when her eyebrows rose. "I'm being honest!" She kept her eyebrows up and he sighed, slumping down on the curb. "I'm okay, I just...just had forgotten how it felt, that's all. Being so out of breath."
Joe followed his lead and plopped down as well, leaning forward to get a better view of his face. He was far away, obviously recalling what happened.
"She was so angry. Going on and on about how it would look like an accident, like an asthma attack, and that I didn't have my inhaler and stuff." Scott messed up his hair and bent forward even more. "Called me an Omega. That's how I remembered to, y'know, howl. Call for help."
"For Derek," Joe whispered under her breath, Camaro momentarily forgotten. It was not that hard to visualize Victoria saying those things, she seemed so heartless and cold. Between her and Kate, it was a wonder Allison was a functioning human being at all. Not that Joe had actually seen Allison other than from afar since that night. She looked too much like Kate. "How did Allison take it?"
"I haven't told her." Scott's voice was raw. "She's gonna blame herself, because her mom found out we...she found out about us. And, uh, we kind of had a fight before it happened. It's, uh, probably too late, but we're gonna slow down a little. Not see each other that much."
Something in Scott's voice indicated a lie, but it was probably as much for him as for Joe. "So Allison doesn't know?"
"No," Scott whispered. "It doesn't change anything anyway."
"No, I mean, does she know what happened to Victoria?"
Scott gave her a puzzled look, big brown eyes innocent and wide. "What do you mean? What happened to her? I think Derek just knocked her out."
He doesn't know, Joe realized and her entire body froze. He doesn't know. He doesn't know Victoria's bitten. Joe mumbled something in a response, while Scott kept talking about something to do with Allison and this other guy and Joe couldn't hear anything but her own thoughts. He doesn't know.
As Joe drove the Camaro to the depot, she saw a flash of red lights before she fully entered the warehouse district. It was either a speed trap or Derek, so she pulled over either way into a small alley. From the deepest shadows behind a large container Derek, of course, emerged and opened the car door for her.
"You gotta stop coming to the depot," he said gently and let her get out. No way of telling how long he'd been waiting or if he could recognize the sound of his own car from afar. "Too much traffic's gonna attract attention." His brows furrowed, obviously sensing something. "Everything okay?"
"How," Joe took several steps away from him, fighting to keep her voice down even though this whole area looked deserted, "could you not tell Scott what happened with Victoria Argent?"
Derek opened his mouth, then shut it. "It doesn't ma-"
"Yes, it does!" Joe insisted and threw her hands up in frustration, forgetting to keep her voice down. "Jesus Christ, Derek! Of course it matters. She's his girlfriend's mom!"
He crossed his arms and looked to the side while taking a short breath. "I know."
"I know you know!" Joe cried and her fingers flexed, as if she too had claws, ready to strike. "So how could you not tell him? He deserves to know."
"How could I not?" Derek repeated. "I'm not heartless, Joe, I'm not trying to break things off between Scott and Allison. If I told him, he'd tell her and that would be it. Now they at least have until the full moon, until Victoria is forced to-" He trailed off, jaw flexing. "I shouldn't have told you."
"Forced to?" Joe asked and tried to blink away the tears pooling in her eyes. "Forced to what, Derek?"
"Either the bite kills her," Derek said slowly, not looking at her, "or she'll kill herself."
She took a step back, hand covering her mouth as if she could keep all of her shock inside. "Are you sure?"
"They have a Code," Derek said, repeating Chris' words. "It's pretty clear. A bitten hunter is a dead hunter. They're kinda fanatical, Joe."
"Oh my God," Joe whispered under her breath. "And Allison probably doesn't know...oh my God." The girl was gonna lose her mom in just a week. Less than two months from losing her aunt. Joe clutched her face, not caring about the tears, stumbling blindly around. "Oh my God."
Derek sighed and put his hand out, trying to grab her arm. Joe retreated on instinct, unable to look at him. His hand fell limp by his side.
"I didn't kill her," he said in a low voice.
"But you knew what was gonna happen!" Joe said, noting her undertone of hysteria. "It wasn't a fifty percent chance she was gonna make it, you knew she would either reject the bite or reject the transformation. You knew that!"
He said nothing and Joe looked everywhere but him, missing whatever lack of facial expression he had. His voice was barely more than a growl. "I didn't have a choice."
"I know!" Joe cried out again and finally looked at him, angry and sullen as he was. "But you did have a choice in telling Scott and instead you lied to him! He thinks everything's fine!"
"It wouldn't have made a difference!"
"Maybe not! But that's for Scott to decide! You got to stop hiding things, no matter the reasons, you got to trust people to make their own decisions. It's always better to tell the truth!"
His eyebrow raised and she saw him struggle for control as his nostrils flared. In a flat voice, he bit out: "Are we still talking about Scott?"
"Oh God," Joe groaned and ran a palm over her face. "No, maybe not, but it's not about that either," she insisted to his disbelieving face, referring to her obtrusive questions about Paige. "I mean it. You're entitled to your privacy and let's be fair, I've not exactly been forthcoming with everything in my own past either. It's fine, I'll never ask again. You decide if and when you ever want to tell me."
She folded her arms, as much to protect herself from the angry eyes directed at her and to avoid them waving around when she tried to explain: "But it's about everything else that's not just in the past. You don't tell us anything until it's convenient for you, you don't tell me anything, and you still expect me to fall in line and do as you say and I don't know if it's because you're an Alpha or because we're supposed to be mates, but I'm not gonna follow you around like some kicked puppy-"
"What?" Derek's eyes widened, but he kept his arms crossed tightly over his chest. "You're the one following me around like-" Unable to say it, he shook his head in disbelief and turned around, as if looking at her made him sick. Just for a second, before he came back: "I am trying to keep you safe, Joe!"
"I don't want you to!" Joe yelled and her voice echoed in the dark alley. She knew her heartbeat was going crazy of anger and rage and all those pent-up emotions looking for an outlet. "I'm sick of you trying to keep me safe. I'm my own goddamn person, Derek! I don't like someone making my decisions for me — if it's Dad, or Alex, or you or the stupid-ass moon, I don't care!"
"So that's the problem?" he spat, lip curling up in a snarl. "That you don't have control?"
"It's everything! I like you, Derek!" Joe blurted out before she could stop herself. "Obviously, I really like you, but I can't," she waved her fingers around, not sure how to put it into actual words, "do this because I don't know if I like you on my own or if it's something beyond my control that's compelling me to. I don't know what's real or not."
He rolled his eyes excessively. "Look, if this is about what happened at the rave-"
"No, it's not about the rave!" Joe groaned, pacing away from him. This was not the time to focus too much on that memory. Anger was better. Anger was safe. "The rave's fine. The rave was great until-" she was about to mention Alex and changed gears quickly, "-until Scott nearly died. If anything, that's the most normal this has ever felt."
"This?"
"This," Joe repeated loudly and gestured to the space between them, "if it's even real."
As expected — or she at least should have expected it — Derek held out his hand, palm up. He was leaning against the side of his car and it was pretty much a repeat from the hospital, except for the hard line to his mouth and flexed neck muscles.
"You tell me."
"Don't do that," Joe demanded, glaring at his open hand as much as his angry face. "Don't make this harder than it already is. It's a simple question — is this real?"
It was Derek's turn to exhale loudly and he rolled both his eyes and head back. "You - tell - me," he repeated, nostrils flaring as he enunciated each word carefully. "I only have half the answer."
He didn't even have the whole question, Joe realized, but was too cowardly to say that aloud. He thought she meant the mate bond. The realization that she had pretty much accepted that part hit her like a sucker punch. It was like being brainwashed. She regarded his hand like it was a small bottle with unknown content saying 'Drink me'. A trap or an opportunity. Or both.
Admitting defeat, Derek snatched his hand back to cross over his chest. If possible, his eyes turned even colder. "As far as I can tell, yes. It's real. Does it matter?"
"Of course it matters!" Again, her shout echoed in the night. She couldn't believe him — of all the stupid questions in the world. "Don't you get it? If you were just some guy I met and danced with at a rave, I would not be overthinking absolutely everything. First of all, I'm not even sure what you want. I'm not sure you know what you want and I sure as hell don't know what I want! It's almost like we're doing this backwards. It's like, we're skipping so many steps here, so many milestones, we don't even know each other and-"
Joe cut herself off and let out a noise of frustration. "Do you want kids, Derek?"
"What?"
"Do you want kids?" Joe asked again, ignoring the stunned expression on his face. "That's like a basic question that people have to agree upon before deciding to spend their lives together. If you want kids, how many? Oh, you don't know, because you're twenty-three and you're not supposed to have your whole life figured out by then? Huh, well, that complicates things, doesn't it? Are you in debt? You wanna live in a small town, medium town, big city? Are you okay to be a stay-at-home dad if I want to focus on my career? If not, what are you gonna do for a living? How are we gonna support ourselves? If I want to drop my degree and start teaching, I dunno, pilates or whatever, is that cool with you?"
Derek's blank expression told her absolutely nothing beyond that he had lost track of this conversation. Joe knew she was rambling, but she couldn't help herself. The flood dams were open and damn, she flooded.
"Don't you get it? All the answers to those questions, that's what we're missing when we skip from 'Hi, nice to meet you' to 'Oh, we're destined to be together.' Has the moon considered if we're compatible? I don't mean physically, I mean all the other stuff. Deal-breakers, pet-peeves, habits — Are you a cover hog? Do you talk during movies? Glitter bomb the sink after shaving? Can you live with someone who leaves half-empty water bottles all over the place? Are you fine with me forgetting to put the toothpaste cap back on? Do you wake up at first light or snooze in? How do you take your coffee? Do you have weird food preferences? And this is without even starting to consider that you're a..."
Another frustrated noise as Joe trailed off and tried to breathe, tried to get her thoughts sorted. She paced around in the alley, much like she had in the cavern with Jimmy.
"Look, I overstepped some boundaries the other day, I get that, but that's what I mean that we have this all backwards. For some reason, I felt entitled to know! And it doesn't make sense, I see that now. It's just, I know some pretty heavy stuff about your past, but not from you and...I wished I could have heard it from you, if you know what I mean? At the right time? I don't-"
She was being nonsensical and she tried again. "As much as I feel like I know you, I don't know anything about you. I don't even know the first-date stuff about you. I don't know your birthday or what kind of books you like or what your dream job would be or what's the strangest phone call you've ever had-"
Derek huffed air out his nose in exasperation and seemed to grasp onto one concept he at least recognized. "Do you want me to take you on a date?"
"No!"
"Then what do you want?" His jaw and bicep both flexed as he gestured with one hand. "You want to know my birthday? Fine, November seventh. What difference does it make?"
"Jesus Christ, Derek, it doesn't make a difference!" She shook out her curls when he gave her that same blank expression from before, one that was probably confusion, but as always bordering on anger. "It's not about the facts. Then I'd make you fill out a damn questionnaire. I just want to get to know you, you know, through conversation or however else normal people do it."
"Like on a date?"
"Don't do that!" She glared at him through her hands that had crept up to cover the rising flush in her cheeks from the rush of emotions, part anger and part adrenaline. "It's not about a date either! And don't ask me out to shut me up. If you're gonna ask me out, do it because you want to, because you think I'm interesting or cute-"
"Are you serious?" Derek muttered and looked close to committing homicide. He threw his hand out. "I thought I just did."
A simple sentence delivered so matter-of-factly that it sent butterflies dive bombing around in her stomach, unfortunately they landed in a cesspool of anger. Voice tight and dripping with venom, she explained slowly: "No, you didn't, you asked because I brought it up. Don't even pretend otherwise."
Again, she used both hands to lift her curls away from her scalp in an attempt to cool off. It seemed like Derek was following her example as he ran a hand through his spiked hair, glaring at the concrete asphalt of the street.
A few seconds passed without either of them saying anything. Derek rolled his eyes with a deep inhale. A sigh that seemed to ripple through his whole body and there was something unnervingly honest in his eyes when he said: "Okay, yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes, I want kids."
It was her turn to be taken aback. She stuttered to find a response.
"But if you don't, I'll be able to live with it," Derek continued when she failed to find her voice. He shrugged again, obviously at the end of his rope. "Small town, big city, fine, whatever. Work or stay home with the kids we may or may not want, sure. It doesn't matter!"
It took her several seconds to remember she could talk. "Of course it matters!"
"It matters to you if I want kids or not? Right now?"
"No, not right now, I-" Joe bit her teeth together, trying to hold down a shout and let out a frustrated growl instead. "It's not about that specific question anyway! It's about that there's a progression to getting into a-"
"I got to start somewhere!" he said with raised eyebrows. "It's not just now, you're asking me things all the time and you never give me the chance to answer!"
Joe was tempted to tear her hair out. "Forget it, okay? It wasn't about the questions!"
"It's always about questions with you!"
"Well, how else am I supposed to figure things out? You're not exactly volunteering information here!"
He shook his head in disbelief. "So you want me to answer?"
"No!" she nearly screamed. Was she not speaking English? "Not like that!"
"You are without a doubt the most frustrating person I've met!" he shouted and rolled his eyes so far back his head followed suit. The volume of his voice rose with each word. "If you didn't want me to answer, why did you ask?"
"To prove a point! They were examples! Jesus Christ, Derek, I wasn't trying to cross-interrogate you!"
"But that's what you're always doing!" He threw his arms out harshly. "Every other word out of your mouth is another question!"
"Because I don't know anything! Because it's the only way to get you to talk!"
"Maybe I would talk," he roared, "if you could listen for more than five seconds at a time!"
"You-" Her mouth snapped shut. For around five seconds, or at least long enough for the echoes to die down. No telling who was feeding whose anger now. His eyes were glowing red and she had dug her nails into her palms from clenching her fists so hard. They'd both been shouting and she forced her voice to a lower volume.
"No," she bit out and folded her arms, refusing to back down even with his glowering scowl directed at her. "You've asked to talk twice, Derek, with the worst timing in history. The first time you were literally wanted for murder, and even worse, you were working together with your psycho uncle on his revenge killing spree, so excuse me for not falling over to have a heart-to-heart in the backyard."
Now she talked over him on purpose, not giving him the chance to respond. "The second time I told you I didn't want to talk and you didn't care! You didn't even ask why, because then I could have told you that not only had my world been flipped upside down," she counted on her fingers," and someone I considered a friend was missing and my dad was in town, I'd also just found out that one of the people I respect and trust most in this world had been lying to me for five years."
His eyes still shone red, extra visible in the dim light of the alley, but Joe was not done yet.
"I could have told you my guards were a little higher up than usual and it was probably not the best time to learn that my whole future was predetermined too because of some supernatural bullshit I didn't even know existed a week earlier! So this could all have gone very differently if you'd bothered to ask me a question, Hale."
Strike one, she thought, on the bullshit-counter. Aware of her clenched fists and equally aware of his clenched jaw, she stepped back and tried to get her breath under control. "There. Not a single question. Floor's yours."
It was hard to not just wither when he put those eyes at her. Beautiful, even with the unnatural color, and he practically growled when closing them briefly. She thought she saw something happen to his mouth as well, possibly fangs going back. When he opened his eyes again, they were the familiar glittering, angry green she knew best.
He swallowed harshly and for once, it seemed like the anger was not directed at her though. "You're right." At her raised eyebrows, he sighed in irritation, as if he realized he had to elaborate. "I didn't care. I only cared about finding out for sure because I was going crazy not knowing."
At least something she could sympathize with, but still smarting from that 'five seconds'-comment from before she bit her lips together instead of saying something.
He did a half-shrug, slumping back against his car after he'd pushed off it when shouting before. "And to be honest I don't know what I was going to say after that. I still don't. I have no idea how to make you accept this for what it is, Joe. Every conversation I have with you takes a turn I never could have predicted. Talking with you is like trying to read three books at the same time, trying to make sense of your signals somehow makes it worse and all I really know is that I can't force you to understand something I barely understand myself."
When Joe still fought to stay silent, in case he had more coming, Derek rolled his eyes. "Ask whatever you want to ask, Joe, before you blow a cartilage."
"Would it have been easier if I was like you," the question blurted out the second he gave her permission, "if I was a-" She swallowed and he did not bother to wait for her to even try.
"If it would have been easier?" he repeated and she nodded, watching him intently when he shrugged, shoulders still tense with anger. "Probably not. Can't imagine you'd be less frustrating as a werewolf."
"Really?" She winced at the inflection, wondering how she could rewrite her whole speech pattern. Nosy Josie. Always asking, always digging. No point in dwelling at the insult, he was no walk in the park either. "I mean, it wouldn't have felt more normal or intuitive or-"
Derek raised an eyebrow, looking nowhere near amused. "Wasn't aware I gave off the impression this felt normal to me. Or intuitive."
"Well, to be fair, you don't give off the impression of feeling anything," Joe mumbled and lifted her hair away from her face again, both to distract and to cool off.
Now that he had made her aware of it, she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't a question. Besides, his comment stung and she was not even sure why yet. Of course this wasn't normal to him. She had already suspected that this probably wasn't an ideal situation for him either. Maybe it was that difference between suspecting and knowing. Maybe she had wanted at least one of them to know what they were doing.
"Joe, you have to understand that this is so rare most werewolves think it's a myth," Derek said, again with that slow pace that she guessed came from him choosing his words carefully. "It's something we hear about, but it's not like we prepare for it. It was not what I expected when I came back to Beacon Hills."
Or wanted? Or needed? The questions lined themselves up behind Joe's lips, but she kept them shut. He was slumped against the side of his car and watched her with his arms crossed. Again, she got the feeling he was still listening even if she didn't say anything.
"I can't read your mind," he said, as if he just had done that. His eyes nearly slid close in frustration. "Please, Joe, just ask whatever you want to ask."
"That's the problem," she said and noted how harsh her tone was. "I don't even know what I should know. I'm so out of my depth here that I don't know anything. Maybe that's why every other word out of my mouth is a question," she saw his jaw tighten as he looked away from her, "because I'm just firing buckshots and hoping something's gonna stick."
"Then answer one of mine," Derek shot back and tilted his head, as if preparing to listen with more than just human senses. "What do you want, Joe?"
What did she want? Now instead of questions, several answers lined themselves up in her mind. What did she want? She wanted there to be a choice. She wanted him to choose her. She wanted to know she was actively choosing him. She wanted him to be happy, her to be happy, both of them to be happy, either separately or together. She wanted him to want her. She wanted to know she could change her mind. She wanted normal, she wanted the thrill of the unknown, she wanted the excitement of the uncertainty. She wanted to know everything about him. She wanted him. She wanted to finish her PhD, she wanted life to go back to normal, she wanted people to stop dying. She wanted to take back the kiss with Alex and her questions about Paige. She wanted a lot.
Instead of saying any of that, she faltered and answered: "I don't know."
It was as honest as anything else. She avoided his raised eyebrow and shrugged before wrapping her arms around herself. "I really don't." As he made no motions to speak or relieve her of that intense gaze, she threw her hands out. "I guess I want there to be a choice."
"You don't think there is one?" Somewhere along the line, the anger had died out. He sounded genuine. "Then what are you doing right now?"
"Resisting," she said with another shrug and did not fail to notice muscles protruding on his cheeks when he bit his teeth together. Unable to analyze that, at least when forced to look at him, she tried to deflect. "What do you want, Derek?"
"With you? I don't know." The answer came so fast she rolled her eyes, thinking he was just making fun of her. This in turn made him sigh and rub his stubbled jaw tiredly, disproving her fears. "I don't. I've never done this before, Joe, I don't have all the answers. But, as you said, we're not supposed to have it all figured out now." He slumped further against the side of his car, speaking somewhere in the direction of her feet. "We don't have to have it figured out now. "
Shaking his head, he glanced up at her again. "You know I considered not telling you? At all? Peter said I should wait, win you over first, and-"
"Of all the advice in the world-"
Derek cut her off, not done talking. "And I realized how unfair that would be to you. Neither of us asked for this, but it happened. There's no why or why us, it just is. Maybe you don't feel the connection as strongly because you're human, but it's there and you deserved to know what it was." His voice turned bitter now and he was definitely not looking at her when he added: "Besides, knowing you, even if I did manage to win you over, you would have left me in spite just to prove a point no matter if I told you after a year, or ten years or twenty."
Twenty years, Joe thought and it filled her with equal parts panic and excitement. He'd pictured them together in twenty years — twenty years! — and accurately judged how she would react. A part of her wanted to know, what he'd pictured, how he wanted this to go, what he actually wanted. A part of her did not, already too freaked out at the prospect.
"Joe, I..." Derek closed his eyes and now it looked like he was the one trying to breathe through his mouth. "I can give you all the time and space you want or need, but I can't let you get hurt, especially not because of me. Too many have already been hurt." because of him. He didn't say it, but his silence spoke volumes. Her heartbeat went faster when he glanced at her, the full intensity of his gaze on her skin. "I'm sorry you got dragged into all of this."
"Don't apologize for something that's not your fault," she said and tried to figure out what to do with her hands, tired of gesturing. "And I don't want time and space, Derek, then it just feels like I'm stalling the inevitable. That means there's no actual choice and-" She sucked in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry for asking, but I have to know this. You said you knew I wasn't attracted to Alex-"
For some reason, that made him quirk his brow upwards. "Because I could smell it on you. It's called chemosignals and I've never met someone who can send out so many different ones at the same time as you, but both at Berkeley, in the hospital or after the rave there was nothing about your scent that indicated you were still attracted to her."
"That wasn't what I was gonna ask," Joe admitted, though now her mind filled with even more questions. He had said he checked and why would he do that unless he worried? Why would he worry unless there was at least some reciprocation for whatever conflicted feelings she had for him?
For someone who claimed he couldn't read her mind, he was amazingly adept at guessing what she was thinking. "You're worried the reason you're not attracted to her is because of the mate-bond? You're worried you can't be attracted to someone else because of it?"
"Worried is a strong word," she mumbled, making a face. "But yeah, pretty much. Like I said, I don't know how this works." Her sneakers shuffled over the ground as she took a few steps away. "I don't know anything."
He let out a slow exhale, the frustration almost palpable. "Think of another person you've been attracted to. A high school crush, a celebrity, a character. Try to picture them in your mind."
His order came so nonchalant she found herself obeying without question. The implication was obvious that she was not supposed to think of him. Fine. With her back to him, she closed her eyes and did as told. It only took her a few seconds to conjure up the image of her childhood dreams.
"There you go."
"Oh my God, you can smell that?" she asked in horror and retreated several steps now. That meant he had definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, smelled how she was like a cat in heat back at in his subway cart the other day. Why had he not responded to it then? What was different at the rave? Just the intensity or the fact that she was drunk?
He shrugged, fortunately not smiling, but something tugged at his lips as if he was making an effort not to do so. "Who did you think about?"
"You can't tell anyone," she all but whispered, clutching her burning face with both hands. He raised his eyebrows in expectation and she swallowed, but decided to just go for it, figuring she owed him an answer in return for once. "And don't laugh." Probably not the biggest concern, because she could not even remember if she had ever heard him laugh before. "Will Smith."
There was no hiding that beginning of a close-lipped smile on his face. "Really?"
"Only his 90s-era. Shut up!" She made a face at his smug smirk. "Now you gotta tell me yours. It's only fair."
"Halle Berry, 1994 Flintstones movie," he replied without hesitation and Joe tried, she really tried, but her poker face was nowhere near his caliber. Especially not when he continued looking at her with raised eyebrows. She covered her mouth to stop from laughing outright, to avoid breaking her own rule. It didn't work.
"I'm sorry," she said in a thin voice, shoulders shaking from trying to hold it in. Turning away from him, she shook her head and bit her lip to contain the giggle trying to escape. "I just- how did- it's a good choice! Halle Berry is hella hot, y'know, I just… That's really specific. Dude, she had like three minutes of screen-time in that movie."
"I won't judge if you won't."
"No one should be judged for their childhood crushes," she agreed while turning back around and found herself smiling when seeing his eyes glittering in some kind of enjoyment. Feeling deflated, she shook her head and saw the now frizzy curls dance around her face. "Man, we do have the weirdest conversations. How did we go from Victoria Argent possibly committing harakiri in a week to Halle Berry in polyester tiger-prints?" Before he could say anything, especially about the rambling she had flung at him, she cleared her throat. "That was a rhetorical question and doesn't count."
Joe folded her arms over the top of her head, putting her hair under them and airing out her neck. They weren't done yet, even though she was tempted to just turn on her heel and run. "Can you do me a favor and keep thinking about Halle Berry while I apologize about your car?" She watched his face clear and he spun around to check his Camaro. "I'm really sorry and I'm gonna pay for it."
The movement had him looking straight at the front part of his car, at the furrow in the otherwise slick black. His eyes glanced back at her with concern that made her feel a lot more guilty than she had thought she could be. "What happened?"
"I, uh, hit a stop sign." She shrank again under his bright eyes, now filled with disbelief and she fumbled for a convincing story. "I'm sorry! I guess your car's too," she tried to find her words, "powerful for a girl like me?"
"I know you're lying," Derek said from where he'd bent down to inspect it. Trailed his fingers over the scratch. "You're too good a driver to hit a stop sign," he straightened up with a sigh, "and I can smell who used the car. Really?"
"I'm sorry," Joe said again with a grimace that he missed. "I honestly didn't think they'd mess it up. I was going to have them bring it back here so I could avoid you. No offense, but if you haven't noticed, I'm horrible at these kind of talks." Feeling the blush rise again when he kept looking at her, she worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "How much do you think it's gonna be?"
"Nothing, it's only superficial. Just a scratch." He probably meant it, but it was concealed under a layer of irritation. "I know a guy who can fix it before tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at six."
"Dude, you gotta let me pay-" His words registered. "Pick me up where?" Joe asked in genuine confusion, her mind still stuck in calculating how much she had left this month after paying for Derek's paint job. He had not actually been serious about a date?
"The reunion dinner. It's tomorrow."
She stared at him with wide blinking eyes and he met her stare equally with raised eyebrows.
"You're serious? The reunion dinner?" More questions and she winced at herself. "Jesus, no, I already cancelled," Joe said with a new shake of her head. How did he even know when it was supposed to be? She knew she hadn't told him. "That's like so far down on my list of priorities right now. With the murders and the full moon coming up..." She withered under his disbelieving frown. "Okay, fine, I don't wanna see Alex after what happened."
His unreadable face regarded her before he nodded slightly, letting her off the hook. "Okay. Get in and I'll take you home."
"Can we, like, not talk anymore? My brain's already fried and getting in a car with you is not gonna help."
A flicker of a smile on his lips. "I'm pretty good at not talking. Come on."
"Promise?"
"Get in the car, Joe."
Whew, longest chapter ever! Sorry for that and sorry for the most frustrating conversation ever too. As one of you pointed out, they're not emotional superstars either of them and to be fair, there's a lot going on and I figured they deserved to be yelling at each other some.
Side-question: Who's your childhood crush? (Besides Derek Hale, of course...) The ones I remember the best is Aragorn from Lord of the Rings and Li Shang from the original Mulan-movie.
Extra shoutout to guest-reviewer Eve who not only reviewed every single chapter, but is apparently a speed-reader as it all happened within the span of 20 minutes? Dude, there's 200k words to this story, how did you do that? Seriously impressed and nothing but sincere appreciation for every single review (would insert heart here, but the website won't allow me to...)
Anyway, we broke 300 reviews! Crazy! I'm so grateful to you guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please let me know what you think in a review or PM. Happy December 3rd! It's snowing here, so getting into that Christmas-spirit :)