Chapter 70: The Hurt
It would seem there is a limit to how much we can trigger of your abilities, but...
No matter how much she showered, she still felt dirty. Still felt the heat, the buzz, the sensation of moving towards a climax she never asked for. Scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed so her skin lost its top layers — nothing helped. Head full of damp cotton, afraid of her own mind, she focused on getting clean. Nothing helped. She felt anything but clean.
Avoiding the mirror, as much to avoid looking at her own face, as to avoid acknowledging her body. Scratch marks covered her skin from her own fingernails. Raw, jagged lines all over her arms, torn in desperation last night. They'd heal, eventually — from an Alpha, after all, even with her lack of claws. Now she was the one who couldn't turn off her eyes.
Brushing her teeth until she spat blood and she put her hair back in a tight bun. No curls, not today, only the bangs coiling up into ringlets over her forehead. He loved her hair, huh? Liar.
Liar!
Joe bit in a harsh cry, leaning over the sink, knowing she could tear the whole thing off the wall if she wanted to. Could see it in her mind, how she could let out an angry roar and yank it loose, throwing it through the door into the hall. It was not what she wanted to do. Not really. It was just an outlet for rage she could not direct at its culprit.
She hated him. She hated him so much!
The pills and Jimmy's fist had put her to sleep for hours. At least sleep was the closest designation that fit. Unconsciousness was probably more appropriate. Dead to the world. Not that she cared. Not anymore.
"How are you feeling? Joe? Where are you going?" Jimmy asked when she emerged from the bathroom, but she was not listening. He had stayed up while she slept, removing her from the freezing bathtub to his bed sometime during the night. Now he moved from his computer, following her towards the front door. "Hey, where are you- Joe, you're not wearing shoes!"
A loud bang as she slammed the door behind her. The anger inside of her was replaced with a deep-set pit of betrayal, rock hard and jagged. So much time and energy she spent on keeping him alive, looking for him, worrying about him and he went out and sought comfort somewhere else.
Could not even bring herself to think about it. Fists clenched as she stomped out onto the streets, eyes not seeing the daylight, not seeing the people. Her naked toes felt the texture of the sidewalk, how the sun had warmed it and how it vibrated when someone walked nearby. She focused on that while the ball of hatred spun around inside her core, growing and thriving on the black veins of hurt.
Someone grabbed her shoulder and she spun around, fists balled and ready for a fight.
"Joe!" Jimmy yelled before she could strike and she bared her teeth at him instead with the only alternative being crying. His sunglasses were lopsided and his shirt unbuttoned — he'd obviously ran after her. "Where are you going?"
Where was she going?
"Berkeley."
"Really?"
She tried to keep her pulse steady. "Yes."
"Without these?" Jimmy asked and dangled the car keys that she had not taken with her. Again, she nodded, daring him to challenge her, and he adjusted his sunglasses. "You want to go to Berkeley? Fine. I'm driving."
No way of telling if it was because she looked so awful he feared she would drive off the road or because he knew — like she knew — that she had not been heading for Berkeley at all. Either way, he drove like he hated the road for once and they made quite a pair, him with his shirt unbuttoned and her with no shoes on. No one would complain about his state of dress, not with his impressive abdominal muscles rippling with every movement he made. Neither of them said a word throughout the entire drive.
"Wait here," Joe ordered when Jimmy parked the Corvette with a sound of screeching rubber against the asphalt.
"Are you sure about that?"
Doubling back, Joe leaned halfway into the driver's side and tried to breathe evenly. "Jimmy, it's bad enough that you saw me like that last night. So just," her hand shook as she held it out, trying to visualize him staying put, "please wait here."
To her dismay, he was still getting out of the car. "I don't take orders from you, remember?"
"I'm not ordering you, Jim," she said in a thin voice and rubbed her tired eyes. "I'm asking you, as a friend, to please wait here."
He hesitated, obviously trying to gauge her chemosignals. "What are you gonna do?"
"Get some answers. Don't worry, I'll holler if I need you."
Muttering something like: "You better.", he got back in the car, but kept the door open. Joe gave him a grateful nod, albeit a bit shaky, and headed towards the main campus. It wasn't like she was here to fight anyone. If a fight happened, she'd take it, but it wasn't her main motivation. Her chemosignals probably told a different story though, but she was still in control — barely.
As they had done just a few weeks earlier, she did not as much sneak into the college, more like stomped her way inside. Her bare feet slapped over the smooth old floors and tunnel vision kicked in, her mind focused on her destination alone.
Without a second's hesitation, she broke through the lock on Professor Kane's door and barged inside.
"Well, you look awful, Miss Delgado," Professor Kane said without a single iota of surprise. That might have been because of Professor Sarah Walker, the werewolf, standing right behind her with an open book still in her arms.
"Oh good, you're both here," Joe said, not really caring either way and she slammed the door shut behind her, the broken remains of the lock somehow latching. "I have some questions and I feel you kinda owe me answers — again."
Where Professor Bridget Kane looked like herself with unruly hair, in old distressed jeans with an oversized multi-colored knitted sweater on top, Professor Sarah Walker was dressed in an uncharacteristic combination of leggings and a sweatshirt. Her normally sleek hair twisted strangely, like heat-damaged curls trying to spring through and the angles of her face seemed to have softened slightly like she had aged years since Joe last saw her.
Professor Kane cleared some papers away from her desk. "Please take a seat, Miss Delgado."
Keeping her distance, Joe leaned against the door. "No thank you, this won't take long. There's really only one question."
With a sigh, Professor Kane leaned back in her chair while Walker remained standing, dark brown eyes scanning Joe, her frown deepening.
"You want answers?" Professor Kane tilted her head, letting the sunlight glint off her glasses. "You seem to need rest. You look like you haven't slept in days."
"Yeah, it's been rough." Joe spared a glance to Walker, but she seemed to not pay much attention to the conversation. Crossing her arms to make the trembling less obvious, Joe cleared her throat. "So, anyway, remember the last time I came here and asked you about mates and you served me this bullshit-story of how it was just a legend or a myth? I'm gonna need you to revisit that statement and see if you have any alterations you want to make, Professor. Either of you are welcome to chime in, by the way, no need to hold back."
As expected, Professor Kane removed her large glasses and polished them absentmindedly as she regarded Joe.
"I remember, Miss Delgado. And I need you to understand that until recently — until I realized what was going on with you — I believed it was a myth. The True Mate-bond is incredibly elusive, even in the old texts, because it was considered a private matter within the pack." Finished with the glasses, she put them back on and her eyes flickered to Walker. "Like most things of intimate nature, it was not something you discussed with anyone."
"Okay, that's great and all," Joe said impatiently, trying to keep herself in check. Her voice shook with the effort. "How do I break it?"
Professor Kane froze while Walker's arm with the book dropped to the side. "Why would you want to?"
"How - do - I - break - it?" Joe asked slowly, enunciating each word, biting her dry lips so they cracked. "A zip of mountain ash? Eightball of mistletoe? Some sort of amp joint combining the two? What? What's it gonna take? How do I break it?"
"That's not possible."
"Anything is possible!" Joe yelled and to her credit, Professor Kane did not even flinch whereas Walker definitely did. "What shouldn't be possible is that I wake up one day and find myself connected, via the fucking moon, to a random guy I happened to meet when he broke into our house. What shouldn't be possible is that we can feel each other's pain even though we're nowhere near each other. What shouldn't be possible," her voice cracked, "is that I spent months taking his pain, and last night I was rewarded with the pleasure he found with someone else."
Without thinking, Joe took a few steps forward and slammed her palms onto the dark mahogany of Professor Kane's desk. "So please reconsider telling me what's possible or not."
Angry hot tears dripped from Joe's eyes onto the wooden surface.
"Pleasure and pain," Professor Kane said with a sigh. "I see."
"Yeah?" Joe's nostrils flared as she leaned towards her old Professor, seeing her own crazed reflection in the glasses. "So I want out. How?"
"There is only one way," Professor Kane said, now rising out of her chair slowly, keeping eye contact where Walker was looking to the side. "And with that, I can not help you. Please sit down or I'm going to ask you to leave."
"What way?"
"I can't help you."
"Can't," Joe felt her eyes change, "or won't?"
Professor Kane's steely gaze glinted behind her glasses and her voice sounded hollow when she said: "Won't. Now sit down!"
Before Joe could think it through, before she even balled her fist together, Professor Kane put both her palms up in the air. Not in surrender, not at all. The air rippled when some force shot out through Professor Kane's palms and Joe slammed back into the chair. Instinctually she jumped up, but something prevented her from moving.
"You have been my favorite student for years, Miss Delgado, but you will not come onto this campus making threats!"
Joe's lip curled as she struggled. "Nice trick. Where'd you get this power? Couple of human sacrifices maybe?"
"Oh, Josefina, on these grounds I have no need for-"
Her voice cut off when Walker finally seemed to wake up, placing a calming hand on the shorter woman's shoulder. "For Christ's sake, Bridget," she said quietly, "can't you see the girl's in pain?"
The so-called girl glared at both of them as Kane let her hands drop. The strange force pressing Joe down evaporated and she sprang up from the chair. Her chest heaved, fists clenched, ready for a fight, but Walker held her hands up in surrender.
"I'll fight you," she said in that same quiet voice, "if you think it'll make you feel better. If it will help ease some of that tension. But you're not a sadist, Joe — can I call you Joe? — and I don't believe you will find pleasure in hurting me." The office fell silent as Joe's eyes dimmed back and Walker nodded. "Bridget, dear," she said, addressing her wife, "could you make us some tea?"
Most of the fight had left Joe, but now she recoiled like struck. "With all due respect, Professor, I'm not gonna sit here and have a goddamn tea p-"
"Call me Sarah," Professor Sarah Walker interrupted with a thin smile. "Stay for one cup of tea, I'm begging you."
The smile disappeared as she looked back at Kane. Some unspoken discussion seemed to happen between them, ending in Kane heaving a sigh and getting up from her desk, mumbling something about this being her office. When Kane passed Joe, who for some reason hadn't moved at all, Walker came over to the other side of the desk. She leaned against it, not caring how some papers crumpled under her weight.
"Please forgive Bridget, she's been on edge since all of this began."
"Since you set me up," Joe corrected, also feeling very much on edge lately. The charring that had flared up into an inferno now dwindled down, leaving her empty and spent. Despite herself, she slumped back down in the chair she had just sprung up from and glared at the guilt-ridden Professor in Criminology. "What pack?"
"Excuse me?"
"What pack were you in?" Joe asked in a hard voice. "You said Deucalion came to deliver his pitch, so it wasn't his pack. Tweedledum and Tweedledee joined later than the others, and you said seven years ago, so that leaves two."
Sarah Walker had a haunted look, focused on the overfilled bookshelves in Kane's office.
"So either way, you might be interested to hear that Ennis died yesterday."
"I know." It was barely a whisper and Sarah ran both hands through her hair. "I know, I heard the howl all the way here."
It was not surprising anymore, but Joe felt the chill run through her. "You were in Kali's pack." At Sarah's nod, Joe scoffed and blinked away the new swell of angry tears. "Right." It made it somewhat easier to understand her fear, understand why Sarah had done what she did. Understanding was not the same as forgiving though. "Why has she never come after you?"
Sarah's nostrils pulled together when she sniffed, straightening up a bit. "Nothing to gain, not anymore. It takes some effort to break the pack bond, but there was not a doubt I succeeded. Whatever Kali is, she's not a mindless killer." Her dark eyes flickered around Joe. "How did Ennis die?"
"Derek killed him." Joe shrugged — like it was no big deal; like it wasn't a death sentence. "So, Kali might not be a mindless killer, but I'm guessing she's pretty big on revenge and it's not gonna be pretty when she goes after him."
"Is that why you want to break the bond?"
"No," Joe admitted, closing her eyes instead of letting the tears fall. "It just hurts. Worse than I thought it-" She broke off, throat too clogged to speak. "Worse than I thought it could."
Sarah's voice remained soft. "Love usually does."
Love. Love. Something built in Joe's chest, fighting to get out, but she pushed it down, hanging onto every last shred of dignity with everything she had. Love? Just the thought made her want to break something with her bare hands. Luckily for her, the door opened and Professor Kane came back, saving Joe the trouble trying to respond.
Kane handed Joe a paper cup that smelled downright awful. "This will help you heal from Alpha wounds." She paused for a beat, glancing down at Joe's arms. "Even those inflicted upon yourself."
"I just," Joe mumbled awkwardly, feeling she had to excuse herself for some stupid reason, "wanted to stop feeling it."
"I can imagine," Kane said as she went to sit back in her office chair. "Drink, it will make you feel better."
"Just so you know, my Demi Alpha friend is waiting for me out in the car." The herbal concoction tasted like grass and Joe made a face, forcing it down. "In case this is poison or something. Jesus Christ, this is disgusting." It made her skin tingle slightly, but not in a pleasant way. "I don't really care if I get kidnapped or anything again, I just wanted to give you a heads up."
Based on how the scratches on her arms were healing, it probably wasn't poison. Not sure if it made her feel better, but the foul taste at least took her mind off things for a few seconds.
"Can I ask you something?" Joe was looking at Kane. "Did you know the first Hales to settle in Beacon Hills?"
Kane quirked her brows. "How old do you think I am, Miss Delgado?"
"I have absolutely not a goddamn clue how old anyone is right now," Joe swirled the chunky remains of the 'tea' around in the cup, "but Doctor Deaton knew them, so..."
With a knowing smile, Professor Kane said: "Believe it or not, Alan is older than me." This should have been a surprising fact as he looked like he was twenty years younger. Something seemed to click for Kane and she exchanged a look with Sarah. "The first Hales. They were True Mates?"
"So I've been told" Joe mumbled, braced herself, and emptied the cup into her mouth. She shuddered. "How old is Marin?"
"Older than she looks."
Joe rolled her eyes. Her arms were healed now and she crushed the paper cup in her hand. "Jesus Christ, you guys are impossible."
"You guys?"
"You're a druid aren't you? Hence the complete inability to answer a single question."
"How did you reach that-"
"Oh my God," Joe cut her off with a huff. Why were all college professors like this? "When I was writhing in pain in her," Joe nodded at Sarah, "office the other day, you said you could dampen the bond, remember? Last time I checked that wasn't on the curriculum. You just gave me a herbal shot to make me heal faster. You know Doc D and Marin from 'way back', whatever that means. And, most importantly, you're shady as fuck. All of those things spell druid to me."
"Interesting conclusion." Professor Kane leaned back and folded her arms. "But to answer your question, no, I am not a druid."
"Then what the hell are you?"
"What I've always been." Light glinted off her glasses again. "A professor in Social Anthropology."
"Yeah, and she's," another nod at Sarah, "a professor in Criminology and a werewolf. So I'll ask again, what the hell are you besides a professor?"
To both her and Kane's surprise, it was Sarah who answered: "An ex-druid." She shrugged at her wife's annoyed expression. "What? We owe her that much, to give her the answers when we have them."
"Fine, yes, an ex-druid," Kane said with a wry tilt to her head. "But before you ask, I was never an Emissary. If things had gone differently," she glanced at Sarah through the large glasses, "then maybe."
"Doctor D steal your spot?" Joe shrugged when Kane gave her a confused look. "You obviously got some kind of history and not of the good kind."
"I was never eligible for the Hale pack." Professor Kane rolled her eyes when Joe continued to look at her expectantly. "As druids, we do — or did, in my case — our utmost to maintain balance. Some of us leave most of it to the universe and simply nudge along wherever possible. Others-"
Her mouth settled in a hard line and Joe watched Sarah almost automatically put her hand on her wife's shoulder again, obviously sensing the agitation. It killed Joe because it reminded her of Derek.
"-take matters into their own hands. Literally." Bangles rattled as Kane looked at her own hands, ones she had somehow used to keep Joe glued to the chair before without touching her. "Alan forgot the order of things — he became an emissary first, druid second when it should be the other way around. Always."
A slight tremble was back in Joe's voice, the herbs starting to wear off and she tried to sound disinterested. "And what is he now?"
"A veterinarian, as far as I can tell. Do you suspect him to be something else? Since you came here instead of him?"
"No, I just don't know if I can trust him or not. With you guys I know for sure I can't." Both the professors looked mildly ashamed at that. "Tell me how to break the bond." Her voice rose at their silence. "Everything breaks under enough pressure! You said there's a way, so I want to know how. He des-" She cut herself off, struggling to get her breath under control as she corrected to: "I deserve a choice."
They both did.
"How is it different?" Joe pushed on when neither said anything. "Pack bond, mate bond, whatever kind of bond. Why can you break a pack bond and not-"
"The pack bond is not the same as a mate bond," Sarah shot in. "There is no comparing the two. We control the pack bond, however unconsciously at times. The mate bond, from the little I know of it," Sarah held her hands out to still Joe's protests, "is controlled by the moon. It's random and inherently unbreakable."
"It doesn't feel random," Joe whispered. "It doesn't feel random when I met him because his Alpha uncle had a fifty-fifty choice between two teenage boys and happened to choose my cousin. And the day after I met him, you gave me the assignment to research attacks made by that same Alpha in Beacon Hills. You say that your only motive was to groom me as your successor?"
Kane gave a short nod and Joe shrugged.
"Fine, I believe you. And then I make the decision to change my program and I get your werewolf wife as a mentor instead, who happens to be an ex-member of one of the Alphas' packs. The same Alphas who are only after me because of Derek, but has a history with my dad and spend months triggering some dormant gene in me that I never would have known existed if it hadn't been for my connection to Derek. Like, how can you say this is random? Everything feels connected."
"Like a five-fold knot," Professor Kane said calmly, but her brows were furrowed, emphasizing the wrinkles on her forehead. "The universe will always try to restore balance."
"Balanced is the last thing I feel now," Joe said and rose from the chair, "so I'm not particularly impressed by its job. How do I break it?"
It was Sarah who answered. "The same way you break a werewolf's bond to the moon."
Joe's heart hammered in her chest, suddenly reminded of Kate again. Kate Kate Kate. "But there isn't any cure..."
"Ask the hunters about that," Sarah replied, sharp eyebrows rising to her hairline. The crushed paper cup slipped out of Joe's slick hand, tumbling forgotten to the floor when she understood what Sarah meant. "You don't want to go down that road, Joe. I know you won't. You're too much like your father."
As she curled her lip, Joe could feel the sweat gathering below her nose. "Don't worry. I'm my mother's daughter too."
Ignoring both of their expressions, Joe made her way to the office door. "By the way, there's an evil druid killing virgins around in Beacon Hills. Wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
"Virgins?" Kane repeated as if that was the shocking part. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, pretty much. One of them was in your class, a girl called Emily Perez. I know you don't usually bother to learn the names of the freshmen, but she was strangled, bludgeoned, and had her throat cut on the night of the full moon." Joe shrugged, not sure what else to add. "Not ringing any bells? Okay, whatever. I don't really care. Thanks for the tea."
Not waiting for a reply, Joe padded out of the office, closing the door behind her. The floor felt cold under her bare feet and she ignored the crowd in the hallways as she walked aimlessly until she was out of earshot from the office. The sensation in her chest was getting stronger, like something clawing itself up through her windpipe, desperate to be released.
Was she her mother's daughter? She didn't want to be. According to Derek, she should not even exist. No such thing as a-
Rounding a corner, Joe found herself face to face with Madeline. For a while, they both stared. It took several seconds for facial recognition to kick in. Several seconds before Joe's brain remembered that the old Joe had a life separate from all this supernatural bullshit and part of that life, unfortunately, contained Alex and her fiance who happened to go to Berkeley.
Up until now, Joe had not cared how she looked. Tired, strung out, messy hair, no makeup, not even wearing shoes — now she became desperately aware, especially because 'Maddy' looked better than ever and for some godawful reason, Joe's eyes were drawn to the diamond-ring on Maddy's finger.
"Uh, hi," Maddy said carefully and Joe figured she probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Hi." Joe's brain was not functioning. She had just come from an office where her final question had been if the professors knew something about an evil druid killing virgins — the transition to normalcy was not taking place.
"Uh, how are you?" Maddy asked, her pretty face twisting into a nervous smile. "Haven't seen you around lately, Alex said you were doing some kind of crime lab work? Oh!" She clapped her hands together. "Congratulations on getting published! I heard someone in class mention it, you're like one of the ten youngest to get published in that journal, so nice work!"
Joe still waited for her cognition to do a system reboot. "Thanks?"
"And also," Maddy seemed to have recovered, "I just want you to know that I was really happy you accepted our invitation. Not to sound like a bitch, but I didn't think you would, because I haven't been super friendly or anything and I was kind of wary based on what happened at the rave, but it was a blessing in disguise because it's really made it clear how much honest communication matters in a healthy relationship and-"
"What?" Joe's mouth felt stuffed full of dry sand. "What invitation?"
"Our wedding in October?" Maddy asked, head tilting so her long, glossy hair fell over her shoulder. "You RSVP'd like a month ago. You plus one, uhm, Derek, right?" She gave another nervous smile when Joe visibly flinched. "Are you okay? Can I get you some water or something?"
Wedding. Wedding in October. Joe was going to kill Marin Morrell.
"No, no, I'm fine. I gotta go."
Hands shaking, Joe pushed past Maddy, now cringing at the sound her bare feet made over the floor. Shit. Shit shit shit. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted to tear something to shreds, preferably herself so she could stop feeling all these stupid feelings.
It wasn't even like she had forgotten about the wedding — it had been Erica's number one thing to daydream about. What dress would Joe wear, should she and Derek match, would he know how to dance or would they spend the night talking — all sorts of bullshit.
Bullshit. It was all such bullshit!
Joe stalked over campus back to the car. It felt wrong to be here and she wondered if the Professor had meant something more about not letting her be here when she was making threats. Deaton had said something about that as well, about Kane being outside of the walls of 'her' college campus when she visited Joe at the hospital. Some sort of power.
Not really seeing anything because of the shaking, Joe made a beeline back to the Corvette. Whatever calm she had experienced in the office had evaporated completely now.
"You know that wasn't sleeping what you did last night?" Hallucinate-Kate asked in a conversational manner where she easily kept up with Joe's pace.
"Shut up."
"Problems with insomnia isn't so much about lack of physical rest. It's that you don't dream, you can't sort out stuff." Kate gave her a smile. "Pills provide temporary relief, but they actually make insomnia worse in the long run. You know that." She laughed, that deep throaty laugh of hers. "Of course you know that. Otherwise I wouldn't know that. I'm just a figment of your imagination, after all."
"Shut up."
"Your insomnia's because of emotional issues. Stress, depression or anxiety — or all of the above, maybe? You're checking a lot of boxes, babe. Therapy, that's what you've been recommending for everyone else. Get therapy. Hey, why don't we call up your ex-girlfriend? You know, the hot blonde one who's getting married in October? The wedding you and Derek were supposed to go to? You've even RSVP'd, man. That's gonna be awkward letting Alex know you're not gonna come. Why? Because Derek dumped your ass."
Finally reaching the Corvette, Joe leaned over the low roof. "Please shut up."
"Aww, baby. Don't cry. Come on, where's that fire? Huh?"
Joe balled her fists. "SHU-"
Instead of Kate, she saw purple glowing eyes and she realized Jimmy had her wrists in a tight grip. "If you're going to destroy things because of your delusions," he hissed and forced her hands away from the car, "please choose something else than my father's vintage Corvette."
She had been about to slam her hands into the roof of the car, something that would definitely have left marks. Focusing on the pain around her wrists, knowing Derek wouldn't feel a damn thing of it, Joe tried to catch her breath. Anchor in the pain. Focus.
"I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely and leaned into him. He let go of her wrists and placed his arms around her instead to hold her. At this proximity, she could smell his body wash and that was about it. So similar and so different.
His voice came as much through his chest as his mouth. "Was it her again?" Joe nodded and he sighed. "Do I need to get Erica out of the apartment?"
A chill went through her. "What?"
He pushed her to arm's length so he could look her in the face. "Joe, do you remember that Erica's back at the apartment?"
"What?" she repeated in a breathless whisper. "What do you mean? I killed her."
"Oh, Delgado," he said quietly and pulled her back into the hug. "What are we going to do with you?"
"I'm losing it, aren't I?" Joe asked against his chest. He had buttoned his shirt at least halfway up and she did not know if it was her tears or sweat that stained it. "Half the time, I don't know what's real or not."
"I know."
Her face hurt as she tried to hold in the sob. "Last night was real, wasn't it?"
"Do you want me to lie?"
"No." Joe sniffed, trying to make sense of anything. "Jimmy?"
"Mm?"
"If I asked you to, would you have sex with me?"
His answer came instantly while he hugged her tighter. "No."
Shoulders slumped, she huffed. "Not even if it was to get back at Derek Hale?"
"Tempting," Jimmy sounded amused from somewhere over her head, "but still no." She could feel his chest rumble as he let out a low laugh. "Joe, there is zero attraction between us."
"Come on," Joe groaned, feeling as sexy as a used sponge. "Ride or die. This is just a different kind of ride. Take one for the team."
He let out a long breath. "Even if we could muster the physical chemistry to make it work, there are other factors that prevent me from indulging you, I'm afraid."
At least his weirdness distracted her a bit. "Such as?"
"Such as," Jimmy straightened up, leaving Joe's running nose to rub across his shirt, "what Deucalion said about my potential. For a Demi, someone without a pack, the only possible direction is downwards. As I've told you, my status depends on discipline. No caffeine, no meat, endless hours of meditation and," he pulled back from the hug and gave her a wry grin, "strict celibacy."
Her eyebrow raised. He'd left out that part. "Really?"
"Yes."
"Wow." She leaned back against the car and he let go of her to do the same at her side. They must look homeless based on how people glanced warily at them, but she did not care. Joe knew how much Jimmy's status meant to him, so she had to ask. "Like, forever? You won't miss it?"
"Can't miss what you don't know."
"What?" Joe couldn't help herself and looked up at him. "You're- you've never? Ever?"
He gave her a defeated look, almost worthy of a Hale. In his new and improved form, it was strange to consider, but it wasn't like Jimmy had been hideous before either. He'd just been normal. "No, never. Never had much interest in it, if I'm being honest."
"Oh," said Joe, her face clearing. "Oh, like, asexual?"
"Possibly?" Jimmy said with a shrug. "If you have to label it. Not sure."
"You know there's a thing called demisexual?" Joe asked, unable to help the smile breaking through. "Which would be a remarkable coincidence." Now straightening up, she looked at Jimmy in a new light. "Huh. I always just thought I wasn't your type. Do you have a type? Are you attracted to anyone?"
"I regret this whole conversation," Jimmy said as he closed his eyes. Despite his words, he kept going, but put on his sunglasses again before opening his eyes. "I liked Kelly, I think. It was nice talking to her, different nice than talking to you — and if I'm honest again, talking to you has been exhausting lately." He said it with a smile, so Joe supposed he wasn't too serious. "And before you ask, yes, I did tell Kelly this. It seemed like she found it refreshing that I was willing to engage in conversations with her without my final end goal being copulation."
"You seriously gotta stop using that word."
"Coitus?"
"Shut up."
"Fornication then."
"Seriously, stop!" Joe laughed and shoulder bumped him, which he easily blocked. Her face fell a bit, uncertain in her questions. "Have you talked to her after we came back?"
Jimmy stretched out his neck. "I tried. It is slow progress to convince her we did not run away together. Or that she had done nothing to cause me suddenly, and I use this term with despise, 'ghosting' her. Again, it helps that she knows I'm interested in more than her body."
"That's why she was so cool with us becoming roommates."
"Among other things, yes."
Both kept quiet for a bit while Joe digested the news. "Notice how I only learn new things about you when you're trying to distract me from my own problems?"
"I have. I sincerely wish you didn't know so much about me already. I'm running out of content."
Joe laughed, just at the absurdity of it all. "Oh, man. So you really have never..."
"I have never."
"And you don't want..."
"Not that I can tell."
"Okay, but have you ever tried anything? Not that we gotta map out your whole sexuality here and now, I'm just curious."
"And you're desperately trying to distract yourself," said Jimmy with a tired sigh as he straightened up again, pushing off the car. He turned to face her and put both hands on the car roof on either side of her, leaning in so she could see her own face with dried tears mirrored in his sunglasses. "Fine. Let's try something."
It happened so fast before Joe could even think. This was not really what she had meant, but when Jimmy leaned in to kiss her, she froze up. Figuring that wasn't really fair if this was Jimmy's first kiss ever, she closed her eyes when his lips closed over hers and tried to respond. She had wanted a distraction.
It was nice. His lips were soft and without his beard it was kind of like kissing Alex, so much that she deepened the kiss, nudging his mouth open with her lips. Hands remaining crossed over her chest, she felt like an eighth-grader again, sucking faces in the dark corner of the school, but never going beyond first base.
They pulled back simultaneously, lips parting with a soft smack. "Okay." Her brows furrowed. "Uh...okay."
"Hm," Jimmy said and ignored her insulted gasp when he wiped his mouth and leaned back on the car next to her. "I got nothing and," her eyebrows rose when he tilted his head to sniff her, "neither do you."
For some reason, she felt inclined to defend her honor. "It was a nice kiss."
He shrugged. "I suppose."
Joe considered it again. "It wasn't bad. Like, if I was drunk and we ended up making out on a couch, I wouldn't wake up with regrets." She shrugged and spoke uncertainly: "I think, maybe, I could muster up the physical chemistry necessary to sleep with you."
"Really?"
"Maybe," Joe admitted because while it had been nice on a strictly superficial level, it was just that. Nice. "For a non-emotionally invested kiss, it was good, I guess."
He shook his head at her, tapping her shoulder with his. "If you're looking for a distraction, we are in a college town with lots of eligibles singles. I am sure there are plenty of guys or girls willing to provide whatever you need. Go to a bar and pick someone up if it matters so much to you."
"No. I've had a couple of one-night stands and they're just not it," Joe said with a grimace, thinking of the awkwardness and fumbling. Even if she could lose herself to the physical act, it was the time before and after that left her mortified. Walk of shame or trying to find a polite way to kick them out. Besides, Derek last night had not felt like it was a casual hook-up. It had felt too intense for that and her skin crawled at the memory. "I prefer sex with someone I have somewhat of a connection with."
"I am deeply flattered," Jimmy said and she had a strange sense of deja vu of someone else pushing off a sportscar in the same parking lot in a different life. "Come on, let's get back."
"What's the rush?" She squirmed a bit under his defeated gaze. "What?"
"You've already forgotten, haven't you? Okay. Just get in the car."
Unfortunately, when they got back, there were a pair of high schoolers apparently looking for her. She and Jimmy pulled up to the laundromat where her favorite idiot duo stood outside the front doors, Stiles practically pushing his whole hand through the buzzer.
"You never answered them, did you?" Jimmy asked drily as they parked. He went first, ignoring their surprised looks as he pushed past and unlocked the door, pulling it shut behind him before they could react.
Traitor, Joe thought and tried to take a breath before walking up to Scott and Stiles. Both gestured at her with their whole bodies, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, clearly relaying the message 'What the hell?'
"What the hell?" Stiles yelled first, as she'd expected. "Do you understand the concept of a phone, Joe?"
"Where have you been?" Scott followed up hastily, gesturing at the Corvette. They both looked like they hadn't slept all night with ruffled clothes and messy hair. "You don't answer texts, you don't pick up. Mom's been worried sick! Joe, you can't just disappear like that."
With a huff, she leaned on one hip with her arms crossed. "Did it for three months and no one noticed." At their defeated expressions, she rolled her eyes. "What happened?"
"What happened?" Stiles repeated incredulously and she worried he would bust an artery. "What happened was that we spent the night at a haunted motel with the record number of suicides in the state and the Darach tried to sacrifice all the werewolves by making them kill themselves and Lydia was hearing voices the entire time because the Coach's whistle was stuffed full of wolfsbane!"
It was a lot to unpack.
Stiles did most of the talking, where Scott clarified in-between. Apparently, everything started when Scott wasn't even healing from the fight, so worried about Derek, and Joe's lack of responses made him think they were both dead. Then the meet was canceled and the school checked them into Motel Glen Capri, where first Ethan tried to jump onto a band saw, Boyd put a whole safe over himself in the bathtub, Isaac was curled up under the bed and Scott tried to light himself on fire.
"You what?" she asked Scott, who weakly nodded to confirm Stiles' story. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I was, I dunno, hallucinating pretty bad," Scott said and ran a hand through his hair, sending a waft of gasoline her way. He had apparently not showered before coming here. "We all were."
At least she wasn't alone about that then. She shuffled forward on the sidewalk to hug him, standing on her toes to reach up. "Jesus Christ, Scott."
"Yeah. We talked with Derek, by the way. He's okay, he's at the loft," Scott said after pulling away as if she should care. His brows pulled slightly together. "You never found him? I thought..."
"Ennis is dead," Joe said quickly, hoping her cousin's ability to pick up on non-verbal cues hadn't improved much. Her whole body had stiffened at the mention of Derek's name.
"We know," Stiles said with a deflated sigh, finally out of steam. "And they're out for blood. We know." At her raised eyebrow, he shrugged. "Ethan told us. As a thank you for saving his life." With a bitter undertone, he added: "And he was thanking Scott, even if it was my face that nearly got split in half from the rampant band saw."
Scott ran a hand through his hair again. "What does it mean?"
"It means that Derek's dead," Joe said matter-of-factly as she crossed her arms. "And that you should stay out of it to avoid getting caught in the crossfires." She tried to sound stern and convincing, not weak and pathetic. "Scott, he's not your responsibility."
At least she had to give him credit for trying, even if his emotional range was the size of a teaspoon. He gave her those same concerned brown eyes and pulled her a bit to the side, making Stiles nearly fall over when he tried to lean in to listen.
"Joe, what's going on? Did something happen?"
"A lot of stuff obviously happened."
"No, I mean, with you and Derek, I thought-"
"Yeah, so did I. Looks like we were both wrong." Joe shrugged off Scott's hand and addressed Stiles as well since he was obviously eavesdropping. "Go home, guys. Get some rest."
"When was the last time you slept?" Scott demanded and Stiles looked away, uncomfortable with the conversation now. "Joe?"
She tried to breathe. Just breathe. "Can people stop asking me that? I obviously don't know! And stop looking at me like that, I hate it!"
"Joe, please," Scott said and stopped her from making her semi-dramatic exit. He forcefully turned her around. "Please, talk to me. I hate-" Scott shook his head to start over. "Is this about all that stuff that happened with Gerard? Because I already apologized and I am sorry. I know I should have told you, but he was threatening to kill both you and Mom! And with you in the hospital after getting shot, I didn't know what else to do."
She hated this. Joe tried to brush him off again. "It's not about that."
"Then can you please tell me?" Scott nearly begged, refusing to let go of her shoulder. "Can you tell me how you're suddenly able to fight off an Alpha? How it took me and Isaac to hold you down when Mom tried to help you? What did Deucalion mean when he said that you had taken the first step? What did you mean when you said you could force Boyd? Are you a werewolf? What's going on?"
Her cousin really had grown and he persisted with a resolution that was unlike him when she refused to answer.
"Remember that time, after the rave, where we promised we'd tell each other everything?"
"A little late for that, don't you think?" Joe hissed and now swept her shoulder down, forcing him to let go. "Why didn't you tell me about your secret meeting with Deucalion? Remember how well it went last time you tried to go behind everyone's back?"
Scott's voice rose as he shrugged helplessly. "I was just trying to reason with him-"
"Reason with him?" Joe repeated, that same clawing occurring in her throat, a scream begging to be let out again. "You, a seventeen years old beta, thought you would just stroll out into the middle of nowhere, into the most classic setup in history, and try to reason with a century-old Alpha werewolf? Really?"
He took a step back as Joe stalked closer, her mouth as hard as her eyes.
"You wanted to reason with the guy who held me captive for three months? Who had Erica and Boyd for four? Who will use any tactic he deems necessary to get what he wants?" she asked, her whole body trembling at the thought. "You want to know how I became strong? Okay, sure. Remember when Derek broke Erica's arm to trigger her healing that time? Yeah, it was kinda like that, only for three months."
Both Scott and Stiles seemed at loss for words. Her cousin recovered first. "I didn't think-"
"You didn't think? No shit."
Stiles looked paler than usual and his pointy Adam's apple bobbed. "You're saying they tortured you?"
"What did you think happened?" Joe exploded, throwing her arms out. "That we spent three months playing 'I Spy' with the Alphas delivering room service three times a day?"
His face cleared, shaking his head 'no'.
"We had to earn every single piece of food, every drop of water, everything! They beat us, they starved us, they pitted us against each other — all in the name of Deucalion's insane quest for power. Does that sound like a guy you can reason with, Scott?"
Scott had tears in his eyes, mouth opening, but not making any sounds.
"No?" Clutching the key so hard it dug into her palm, she unlocked the front door. "So get off my back and go home."
Yeah, sorry for the lack of hellfire in this chapter. Joe's dealing with things the best she can, which might not be that good, but she's trying, okay? Not easy being an Alpha.
You'd think the only way for Joe was up now, but she's gonna sidle sideways a little bit before she gets her Amazonian rebirth-moment. Patience, please.
I appreciate your reviews on the last chapter - it was a doozy for sure. I sincerely apologize for making anyone uncomfortable. Please chant "Happy ending, happy ending" when this story gets too dark and we'll get through it together.
Thank you for reading as always, please let me know what you think of this (slightly less eventful) chapter. Curious to know where you think Joe was heading before Jimmy stopped her?
(And before you come at me, Joe and Jimmy are strictly platonic, okay? (And if your friend ever comes out as asexual to you, don't do what Joe did, okay? Be supportive!))
And before I forget, I might change to updating every third day instead of every other day. Work's picking up again after the holidays, so I have less time to write/edit right now, hence the later-than-usual updates (it's past midnight here now). Hope that's cool with everybody? ❤